Batman (1966) s01e21 Episode Script

Batman A beautiful Wednesday afternoon in Gotham city.
Matinee day at this theatre.
In a moment, the play goers will be coming out for a refreshing orange drink.
But watch closely.
There may be a drama that's not on the program.
So, what's superior to this sort of thing, one usually sees? Oh, yes, infinitely.
And the leading man, my dear, Mrs.
Van Climber.
His tremendous power.
Absolutely inspired, my dear Penguin.
It's a penetrating documentary in our time.
It's a mirror of a cliched minds of our sadly weakened moral fiber.
Wouldn't you say so? Oh! Hands up everybody and you won't get hurt.
I ain't kidding.
Do as he says, Penguin.
He's a desperate man.
Ah.
You.
'Unhook that ruby pendant.
' Throw it here.
- Outrageous monster.
- Shh.
He'll hear you.
Back away everybody! Back away! You, knave thief, surrender! Wise guy, huh? Take this.
Jumpin' jeepers! A bulletproof umbrella! Ah! Ms.
Starr.
- Uh.
- May I? Thank you.
Yeah.
Oh! How can I ever, ever thank you? Yeah.
Oh! What? The Penguin prevented a crime? That waddling pompous master of foul play? It's true, commissioner.
And who do you think, the necklace belongs to? Ms.
Sophia Starr.
Sophia Starr? Beauteous queen of Gotham City society? That's her.
They left the theatre hand in hand.
Ominous, most ominous.
What do you think it means, commissioner? Since it involves The Penguin, there is only one man who can answer that question.
And answer it in time.
The Caped Crusader.
Alright, commissioner, I'll fetch him for you.
And in Wayne Manor, where young Dick Grayson practices his putting under the watchful eye of his guardian millionaire Bruce Wayne and his doting Aunt Harriet.
Ow! Missed that one.
Precision, Dick.
Precision.
The key tosuccess in life and as well in sports.
And excuse me, sir, but there's a telephone call for you.
A certain Mr.
Rime.
- Rime? - Yes, sir.
Mr.
K Rime, if you understand me.
Of course.
Mr.
K Rime with the red hot line of investments for the Wayne foundation.
Precisely, sir.
Dick, it's about time you started learning something 'about the elements of investment.
' We may be a while, Aunt Harriet.
Mr.
K Rime might want us to visit him at the stock exchange.
So long, Aunt Harriet, See you later.
Mercy me.
What an unfortunate name for an investment councilor.
K Rime.
Sounds like crime! Isn't that funny, Alfred? I'd be very careful about him if I were Bruce.
Indeed, madam.
Yes, commissioner.
A strange and troubling turn of events, Batman.
You have a competitor in crime fighting.
The Penguin! We're on our way.
The Penguin.
Holy nick of time.
Lucky for us we just finished installing the bulletproof windshield in the Batmobile.
Not so lucky for The Penguin.
To the Bat-poles.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman nana nana nana nana nana nana na Batman Thanks, commissioner.
We got the picture.
I'll call you back if Batman has any ideas.
What do you think, Batman? Has The Penguin really gone straight? It's a tough one.
When that bird turn snow white it could be merely a tricky white wash job.
Right.
But still, we've got to think of his records since he last left prison.
Clean as a whistle, it seems.
Accepted in the best circles.
Not even a ticket for jaywalking.
Could it be that, he is reformed? Or only pretending to reform.
Stalking his next victim under the false colors of a crime fighter.
How the heck do we find out? - I have an idea.
- What, Batman? Say that caper at the theatre was a Penguin's employee.
And that crook he caught must've been an accomplice, right? On the nose.
Call the commissioner.
Have him give that crook a grilling.
We'll be there in time for the kill.
Alright, I'll ask you one more time.
How long have you known The Penguin? - Who? - Quit lying, you cheap hoodlum.
He paid you to pull that job.
Told you to keep your mouth shut.
Promised to cut you on the big job later.
You guys must read too many comic books or something.
Hold it, Chief O'Hara, no rough stuff.
It's our duty to abide by the rules.
Now, this lying is useless.
Besides.
We have evidence.
- Evidence? - The bulletproof umbrella.
Why would The Penguin have carried a bulletproof umbrella to a matinee unless he expected a machine gun attack.
Who knows? Ask him.
A hard baked cookie, this one.
Covered with armor plate icing Let's give him a turn, shall we? 'Hey.
' 'What's the matter, sonny? Scared of the dark?' Ah! Help, there's bats loose in here.
Holy knock-out drops.
The miserable weakling, faded, dead away.
Looks like, you over-did it, Batman.
Only one thing to do now.
Find Penguin himself.
Put the blocks to him.
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yes, lieutenant.
We have a report from the tail we put on The Penguin.
He just entered the Gotham City Millionaire's club.
Holy Jackpot.
That bird of prey, loose among the golden geese.
There's only one way to find out.
Call the parking lot.
Have 'em clear all the exits for the Batmobile.
Meanwhile, in the steam room of the super exclusive Gotham Millionaire's club.
A strange disquieting scene.
Leave that man alone you criminals.
- Take him out of here.
- Look out.
Watch out! - Quick.
- More steam.
Roger.
'That's got it.
' A snatch in the fog, eh? Alas, you sad, dim-witted ruffian! - The smoke screen.
- It's gone.
Jesus.
Oh, thank you, sir.
They tried to kidnap me.
It's alright, Reggie, my boy.
You are safe now.
You're with The Penguin.
Put up your flippers, Penguin.
We caught you with your feathers down.
Kidnapping.
One false move and you get the batarang.
Hello, my esteemed colleagues in crime fighting.
The droll deceivers, the dynamic duo.
Batman, listen.
You've got it all wrong.
The Penguin saved me from being kidnapped.
Saved you? I swear to you, old boy.
Some villains were trying to abduct me under the cover of a steam screen.
And heaven knows how he did it.
This delightful bird-like chaps suddenly dispelled the steam and the criminals took to their heels.
Elementary, my dear, Reggie.
My ubiquitous umbrella was fortunately loaded with colored dry ice.
When I discharged the jet, the vapor was instantly condensed.
Something fishy here.
There's sure is.
He must have known about the supposed kidnapping.
Otherwise, why would he be carrying an umbrella loaded with dry ice? The reason is the season, Batman.
What? This prematurely hot weather annoys me.
Being a Penguin is kind of a bird, I hate hot weather.
So what could be more natural than I should carry an umbrella loaded with dry ice? Oh, yeah.
If you hate the heat so much, what you doing in a steam room? I ask you, is that an ethical question? Between crime fighters, competitors, you might say.
You pompous, taunting creature! Well, I'm sorry I must fly.
I'm very busy.
I have little rendezvous with Sophia Starr.
We have some arrangements to make.
- Arrangements? - For her jewels.
I'm taking over their protection.
I'm gonna give you my card.
Adieu.
Come on, my dear boy.
Well, you saved my life, if there's anything I can do.
.
Penguin Protective Agency Incorporated.
Holy leopard! What a change of spots.
The Penguin.
In business as a private eye.
Hiring him to guard jewels is like.
.
trusting a lethal lettuce to a rabbit.
Let's race back and give Ms.
Starr a warning.
Nuisance.
She's smitten with him.
She'd scoff at us.
So what do we do? We can't protect her.
We can save her jewels at the same time set a trap.
Great.
How? We substitute fake jewels with the real ones, Robin.
Treat it in a reactor to leave radioactive traces of the thief.
Terrific! There's just one problem.
'To make copies.
' I dunno what the real ones look like.
Correct.
Has to look at them.
That would tip Penguin off.
Pickup the Bat-phone and call Alfred.
Tell him to wait for us in the Bat-cave.
Alfred is going to be our secret undercover agent.
What? Reggie Rich gave you a check for $10,000 and you tore it up? Indeed.
And right in front of his very eye.
You know somethin', this plan of being a straight guy must have unhinged Penguin's mind.
No, you, butt-brain.
What's 10,000, when I aim at millions? Confidence.
That's is what I'm stealing from these dupes.
Confidence and pride in The Penguin.
And they'll end up handing me their treasure on a silver plate.
- Yeah, but I wonder.
.
- You wonder, what? Don't get mad at me Penguin but.
.
I wonder what Batman and Robin's gonna say about that.
Piddling pair will be punctured! Now and forever.
Then, no offence, Penguin, but we heard you sing that song before.
We always end up singing the anvil chorus in the pen.
Not this time, you see.
I have planted a seed in their mind.
I've planted the erroneous idea that I'm going to steal the jewels of Sophia Starr.
You mean, you ain't? No! I'm not.
I delight in the devious, I obviate the obvious.
They're misreading my intentions.
They're going to lay a trap for me.
A trap which when it springs.
.
And Batman and Robin will never come back Batman and Robin will never.
.
Well, farewell, my fine fostered fates.
Your mind has tore.
I'm going to see our shining star, Sophia Starr.
What an counter-plot.
Here's Alfred, carrying out a vital but risky chore.
In the guise of a man from Floyds Insurance Limited.
Excellent! I think that just about does it, Ms.
Starr.
You're sure, there's nothing else you want? No, thank you.
That would just complete our records.
Beg your pardon, Pengy darling.
What offends me to the quick.
An insurance company worrying about the safety of your jewels while they are under my guardianship.
One can never be too secure, can one, Mr.
Penguin? With the world these days so full of predators.
Great Scott, Alfred.
Have you forgotten? Batman told you to switch cigarette holders with The Penguin.
You're meant to palm off the trick one with a tiny super powered transmitter inside.
Quick! Before it's too late.
Create that diversion.
Good day, Ms.
Starr.
'Great heavens!' The anti-theft system built into my carrying case it went off accidently.
Don't panic.
I can fix that.
'There! Neutralized.
' Buy my high powered de-magnetizer coil.
Oh, Pengy.
'You're fantastic.
' 'No trouble at all.
' 'Where there's no end to your resourcefulness.
' 'Thank you, my love, thank you.
' - Oh, Pengy.
- Ha ha ha.
Oh, look, the handle of your umbrella.
What? 'Sound! My secret radio detector.
' Somebody has planted an electronic bug in this room.
Huh? Eh.
Ah.
So, you switched cigarette holders, did ya? Ah.
I think not.
Out with you, criminal.
Who are you working for? It can happen to the best of us, Mr.
Penguin.
One moment everything is going smoothly.
And the next, fate pulls the rug out from under us.
- Ah! Pengy - Good day, miss.
Oh, Pengy, dear.
Pengy, my poor darling.
Who cares about him? Are you alright? Vengeance! Failure, sir.
Utter failure.
That's not true, Alfred.
Of course not.
Important thing was to get this picture of Sophia's jewels.
You got it.
Sure you did.
And we already made a complete set of fake copies.
Thanks to you, we may be able to avert a gigantic robbery.
Robin, grab those fake jewels.
We must strike before The Penguin does.
Let's go.
We're sure taking a chance, Batman.
What's the matter? Souls of your boots slippery? Heck no! I mean when we put the fake jewels in Ms.
Starr's safe.
Take the real one's out.
We could be nailed as crooks.
That's the chance we have to take.
In our well ordered society protection of private property is essential.
Yes, you're right, Batman.
That's the keystone of all law and order.
Let's go, chum.
The safe should be behind that picture.
Coast seems clear.
Turn off the electric iron looping on it.
Neutralize the alarm.
I'll listen to the tumblers.
Roger.
Perfect.
Tumblers are falling into place.
Caught you, you thieves.
One move and you're a dead duo.
Holy.
Bat-trap! Let's fight our way outta this.
Ah! Whoa! Ah.
They getting out the window.
Let 'em go, they won't get far.
Pengy dear, you alright? Sophia, my dear, you call the police.
I'll call the Gotham City Times.
Shocking! shocking! How can a responsible press print such an item? But you can't blame the papers, commissioner.
Things sure look dark for Batman when the lights went on.
Yes, but still how could a sane person think Batman a criminal? How ungrateful the public is! Yes, put him on.
It's Penguin.
Good morning, commissioner.
Have you snared that costumed crooks yet? They're still at large, Penguin.
Well, that's very lax of you, commissioner.
I do hope that they won't burst in tonight and terrorize our party.
Your party? Yes.
Anyway, you're invited.
Might come, if you like it.
Some of my influential friends are giving a gala benefit for the P.
P.
A.
.
That's the Penguin's Protective Agency.
Yes.
We have taken over the Gotham amusement pier.
Should be amusing.
You you abominable avian! - Yes, Commissioner.
- Gotham amusement pier tonight.
- Penguin is tossing a party.
- Interesting.
You better not be there, Batman.
If you are spotted, I'll have to arrest you.
It's our only hope, Robin.
We'll have to catch Penguin in something crooked that he won't be able to press that warrant for our arrest.
- Have an awful thought, Batman.
- What? What if Penguin really has gone straight? - Right! - What do you think, Batman? He's with Sophia Starr and she's wearing those priceless diamonds.
Yeah, I have a strange feeling, It's time for the kill.
Gee, that cement-filled umbrella sure cooled them off.
Well done, my finks, well done.
What now, Penguin? String them up here back of the shooting gallery directly behind the cut-outs.
- Right.
- Now, one small detail.
Our umbrella pop guns, take out the pellets.
Introduce real bullets.
Ha ha ha.
You, eh, challenge us, Penguin? I certainly do.
Knowing you gentlemen to be of sporting blood I know that you'll play this exquisite of the game with me.
If you'll burst those two red balloons on the first round.
I'll donate 1000 dollars to your police benevolent fund.
'That's too easy, Penguin.
Much too easy' 'There must be a catch towards somewhere.
' 'No, catch whatsoever.
If you shoot those two red balloons' you will be doing Gotham City a gigantic favor.
Doing the city a big favor? What the devil? Why not? - Give us the guns, Penguin.
- Give them the umbrella gun.
Batman and Robin, a swinging pair of dead ducks! What on earth can save them? Don't shoot, Commissioner! Don't shoot! All set, gentlemen? We're set.
Now, on my instructions.
Ready? Aim.
Good grief! Good night! Double funeral tomorrow.
Same bat-time, same bat-channel.
Can you see any way out? Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Nana nana nana nana na Batman