Batman (1966) s02e01 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
A warm, serene afternoon in Gotham City.
The merest hint of a breeze ruffles the leaves of the majestic trees that inhabit the back lawn of stately Wayne Manor.
Scarcely the moment for crime to rear its ugly head.
Press on, merry marksmen.
We've much to do ere night descends.
Hyah! I've run it up the flagpole back at home base, Mr.
Wayne and I'm not sure we should award the money to the poor denizens of Gotham City.
-No? As administrative head of public relations, I recommend against it.
You realize, Mr.
Dale, that the foundation had already decided for it.
But with this arch Archer criminal traversing our byways -Oh, yes, Archer.
I wonder if that much cash will be safe.
Mr.
Dale, as chief trustee of the Wayne Foundation I can assure you that it is entirely safe.
Gotham City is in no danger from criminals.
Stand back whilst I have at it.
The legal tender awaits our liberation.
- Do we take our leave? -The quicker the more advisable, sire.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Well put, sire.
A quote from some obscure playwright.
Thank you, Archer.
You've kept the wolf from our door.
You're all heart and a yard wide, Big John.
Aw, bless the ground that you cry on, Mr.
Tuck.
Uh-oh.
Egads! We are on the verge of incarceration.
Fear not for I have prepared a sneezing powder arrow to harangue their nostrils.
Let us make our egress with the utmost dispatch.
Hyah! I shall secure him without further delay, sir.
Was, uh, anyone hurt? No, it was a rather mild gas with hardly any aftereffects.
Our butler, Alfred, was out shopping for the morning and revived us with smelling salts.
There's that little business in the study, sir.
- Oh, yes.
-Golly.
- Uh, please excuse us, Chief O'Hara.
-Yes, yes.
Yes, commissioner.
I've heard from Chief O'Hara that The Archer, that rapacious rapscallion has returned to taunt the people of Gotham City.
- Yes, and he robbed the home of Bruce Wayne.
-How did you know about that, Batman? It's my business to know.
We'll come right in.
To the Batpoles.
- They distributed the money to the poor? -Most of it has already been turned in.
Once the people of Gotham City knew it was stolen, they wanted no part of it.
A tribute to their character and moral fiber.
This Archer seems to have you at his mercy.
That malfeasant marksman.
I'm going to tell the trustees at the Wayne Foundation not to make the proposed grant.
- Why not? -We're chatting about $10 million in cash money being distributed through our annual poverty program.
We must make sure that the millions won't end up in the hands of that blackguard.
The Wayne Foundation is doing a wonderful job supplementing the administration's policies.
And with Batman and Robin on our side you can be sure no harm will befall that money.
Stand back, everybody.
This could be one of Archer's tricks.
- Oh, my eyes! - I'm blinded! - I'm blind, sir.
I'm blind.
- I can't see.
My eyes.
I'm blinded.
- Blackguard! - Chief! Now heed this.
I'm gonna rob from the rich and give to the poor.
How unoriginal.
- I came to warn thee, all of thee.
- I can't see a thing.
I don't want anybody interfering with my robbing or giving, understand? Or the poor people in Gotham City will rise up and revolt.
To them, I am the spirit of benevolence and I will brook no interference.
- Let's get him, Batman.
- Get back, I say! Let us depart, Archer.
We've nary an excess moment.
Batman, where are you? A fond cheerio.
A bit of a tweet-tweet, and a pip-pip and pleasant dreams.
There they go around the corner.
Let's see if we can catch them.
He certainly is a spectacular man.
That he is.
And the Boy Wonder is pretty good too.
I was talking about The Archer.
A good publicity campaign and he'd replace Batman as the public's favorite.
Understand this, Mr.
Dale.
Someone might be able to substitute for Batman for a very short time but no one could ever replace him.
That Archer sure is a tough cookie, Batman.
"Stale" is a better adjective, Robin.
Hey, who are you? He must be new in Gotham City.
He's from Philadelphia.
- How did you know? - You dipped your diphthong.
People from Philadelphia are known for that.
We're Batman and Robin, the crime-fighters.
Are you a vocal group? I beg your pardon.
I thought perhaps you might be a singing duo, the, uh, outfits and all that.
No, we're duly deputized officers of the law.
You may return to your business, citizen.
Holy Houdini! They've disappeared.
Excuse me, miss.
Have you seen three men on horseback riding in this neighborhood? Three men on a horse in downtown Gotham City, Batman? I think you've been working too hard.
Thanks anyway, miss.
Your marksmanship, for a fortnight now we have robbed the rich and given to the poor.
Aye, and with nary a doubloon for our own pocket.
Hath not the time arisen for personal profit? Patience and hold thy tongue.
We have one more crime to commit before the big caper.
I wish youse guys would quit talking so funny and get down to business.
Batman and Robin will get youse and I'll have blown two weeks driving a truck.
Cease and desist, woman.
I have other things on my mind.
I must devise a plan to pry the location of the Batcave out of Batman and Robin.
Uh, why doth that make any difference? It is rumored that those caped sheriffs of Gothamham hath a machine that can predict any criminal's next ploy.
We must seize and destroy said machine or suffer the consequences.
Marilyn, call Commissioner Gordon.
Yes, I've got it.
The Archer will be distributing money to poor people at the corner of Neptune Avenue and Twentieth Street at precisely 4:00.
Thank you for your help, miss.
Well, O'Hara, this may be the break we've been waiting for.
Are you gonna call the Dynamic Duo, sir? Wouldn't you? Say, what is this? Mr.
Bannister, thy time has come.
If you didn't get your change back from one of my candy machines take it up to the complaint department.
-Gentlemen, string thy bows.
If it's about the coin shortage, I swear, I'll put them back into circulation.
Not nearly so fast as we shalt.
- Now, sire? -Now.
Hey, everybody, come on now! Hooray for Archer! Come on, everybody.
Boo the Batman.
Come on, everybody.
Boo it up.
- Phooey on Batman.
-Batman.
Batman! Phooey on Batman.
Phooey.
A fine bunch of creeps youse guys turned out to be.
With your fancy talk and everything.
What ingratitude.
That's what I get for aligning myself with a kindergarten dropout.
The town is in an uproar, Batman.
The Archer has been glorified by everyone.
And the poor folks have pooled their pennies to make his bail.
Fifty thousand smackers in milk bottle deposit money which probably would have gone for food.
Don't they understand how he's trying to fool them? That elusive lure of easy living.
Talk about fooling all the people all the time.
The Archer made this statement just after he was bailed out.
Thank thee compatriots of Gotham City.
Thank thee for thy faith.
Let it be now known to one and all, I have foresworn my deeds of the past.
Rich people of Gotham City, thee may quake no more in thy boots.
Yea and verily, I shall no longer rob thee.
I've programmed the Batfile of addresses to look up any variation of the word "Archer.
" Ofttimes a criminal will be listed under a nom de crime similar to his own.
Nope.
All of those are legitimate people.
What was it that Allan A.
Dale said about Archer? The people think he may be another Robin Hood.
Ah.
And what was Robin Hood's real name? I've read about that in English class.
He was also known as the, uh, outlawed earl of Huntington.
Mm.
Let's see what the Batfile has to say about that.
Look.
There it is.
An archery range owned by Earl Huntington.
And Sherwood Avenue is in the Green Forest section of Gotham City.
This might be what we're looking for, Robin.
I hope so.
We've got to expose him before he does even more damage.
- Right.
-But how? How what, Master Robin? The Archer has sworn never again to rob from the rich and give to the poor.
But he had nothing to say about robbing the poor to make himself rich.
You think that may be his overall plan? And I wouldn't be surprised if it ultimately involved the Wayne Foundation grant.
Heaven forfend.
Alfred, in your youth, you were familiar with the long-, the short- and the crossbow, were you not? Yes, indeed, sir.
I was known as the William Tell of Liverpool.
And you've been prepared to join us in our crime-fighting, have you not? To serve you in any capacity, sir, has always been my duty and my pleasure.
Excellent.
While Robin and I are finding Archer's hideout here's all you need to do.
Ah.
I, uh, should like to purchase a few shillings worth of arrows.
Doth thou, uh, fancy thyself a bowman? Yes.
Of the highest caliber.
I've yet to meet a man who's my match.
You may have met him now.
Spoken like a true competitor.
Mayhaps thou would care to make a small wager on the outcome? Ah.
Would, uh, a pound note? Done and done.
After you, sir.
Thank you.
- Doth the heathen have a chance? -Not a smidgeon.
Archer will soon puncture his confidence.
You know something? Youse guys ought to use American titles under youse when youse talk.
Like in the foreign pictures.
Holy Inquisition.
This is about the most frightening chamber of horrors I've ever seen.
Let's just hope that Alfred can keep them busy while we take strategic positions and wait to trap them.
Mediocre, sir.
Watch some superior bowmanship.
We lose more arrows that way.
Let us continue.
First man who misses splitting an arrow is the loser.
Hey, Archer.
Somebody's fooling around in your playroom.
The signal just went on.
Uh-huh.
Then take the necessary measures.
- We've been trapped.
- Not yet.
I'll cut us free with my Bat-knife.
Well, thank you so much for a very fine afternoon's sport.
But, uh, I have to be going.
Heh.
- Upon my soul.
He doth wish to leave.
-Doth thee indeed? Yes, I do.
Yes.
I have a pressing engagement elsewhere.
Not by the hair of thy chinny chin chin.
I believe thou were sent here to occupy our time whilst someone scoured our underground hideaway.
Extraordinary idea.
No, no, no.
I-- I'm merely an innocent bystander.
If that be the case, fear not.
Thou hath nothing to fear but thy life.
Seize him.
But I-- I've tried every devious trick in my quiver of terror but thou still refuseth to disclose the location of the Batcave.
You'll have to kill us before we tell you where the Batcave is.
Methinkest thou speakest a stream of truth.
Therefore, I will kill the innocent bystander in thy stead.
Prepare him, gentlemen.
Holy hostage.
Don't let them do it, Batman.
We'll have to leave that decision to the innocent bystander.
I would rather lay down my life than impair the efficiency of Batman and Robin.
Very well then.
Go to it, lads.
Happy landing, old man.
Thou hadst a good head on thy shoulders.
Whilst it lasted.
You'll pay for this, you fiends.
It was all for the best, Robin.
How can you say that? Look.
He's all right, and you knew it all the time.
It's a guillotine often used by stage magicians.
I recognized it at once.
He was in no danger whatsoever.
Very well then.
Let the varlets down.
Archer, I've been meaning to ask you about that machine.
What is it? I purloined it from the castle of a television producer who makes alleged comedy programs.
It can duplicate any laugh from a giggle to a guffaw and all the chortles and chuckles betwixt and between.
But I've grown weary of this fiddledeedee.
I entertain suggestions for their demise from my worthy aides-de-camp.
Enclose them in a room full of imported California smog.
They wouldn't last five minutes.
I have a more engaging notion.
Batman, I offer thee a sporting proposition.
A fair duel on the field of honor.
I accept that challenge.
Maid Marilyn, start the machine forthwith.
Gentlemen, 'tis time to offer them a bellyful of our steel.
Shall we? - As you wish, sire.
-Your wish is my deed.
Let's smite the varlets.
Ha!