Batman (1966) s02e03 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
Eleven o'clock in Gotham City and all is well.
Or is it? Criminals prefer plying their trade under the cloak of darkness.
And tonight is no exception.
A catalog taken from a department store.
A catamaran taken from the nautical society.
Three mittens taken from a fancy apartment.
Ha! What, uh--? What does that all spell out to you, O'Hara? T-R-O-U-B-L-E.
Trouble.
- The Princess of Plunder.
-Catwoman.
The saints preserve us.
When facing an adversary like the Countess of Criminality there is only one man who can deal with and eventually overcome that threat to our security.
NARRATOR".
Meanwhile, at stately Wayne Manor home of Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson astronomical events are taking place.
Remember, Dick, don't look directly into the sun.
It may cause damage to the retina of the eye.
Right, Bruce.
Gosh, isn't it exciting about the eclipse tomorrow? A few countries are sending geophysical teams to observe the phenomenon.
- Ahem.
Uh, sir'? - Hmm? It's the Batphone.
- Yes, commissioner? - Batman.
We have every reason to believe that Catwoman is alive and living in Gotham City.
We'll be right there, commissioner.
Catwoman has returned to besmirch the name of our fair metropolis.
To the Bat Poles.
"And the three mittens came from the 10th floor apartment of Andrew S.
Kitten.
" Ha.
"Parent of triplets.
" - Gotham City's father of the year.
-Right.
But there's one significant fact that these crimes have, all three are cat-oriented.
But what does it all mean? It means, Chief O'Hara, that Catwoman has something big up her paw.
However, this is only a portent of crimes to come.
The Marchioness of Misdemeanors is a wily opponent.
What'll we do? You'd set a thief to catch a thief, you'd set some cheese to catch a mouse.
To catch this breed of cat, you'd set - A bird.
-Correct, Robin.
And what kind of bird? A canary.
You've done it again, old chap.
I hope it works, Batman.
She's a pretty hip cat.
No matter how cunning and crafty they are, Chief O'Hara eventually all criminals commit the same error, over-confidence.
Let's go, Robin.
O'Hara I have grown to realize that there are two basics in life we can be sure of.
Death and taxes, sir? Batman and Robin.
This woman is bright and clever.
No matter how much she's involved in her treacherous schemes she must keep in touch with reality.
A false newspaper story.
A few weeks ago I met the man who writes the most widely-read gossip column in the country.
Jack O'Shea oi the Gotham City Times.
Right, a straight news plant might be too conspicuous but a small blurb in his column might do the trick.
Is he worthy of our trust? That's hard to determine, Robin.
He's a bit too theatrical for me but we must make every effort to bring Catwoman to justice.
Are you gonna call him at his newspaper office? This Jack O'Shea is rather unique.
His office is the third phone booth in Glob's drugstore.
We should have the number in the Bat index.
Yeah, ring me tomorrow, Fred.
Dolly.
Hey, Poopsie, make me a corn beef on white, heavy on the mayo.
Two glasses of buttermilk.
Your dime.
Mr.
O'Shea, this is Batman.
Who? We met several weeks ago at the newspaper.
You're putting me on.
I wonder, could you do me a favor? Come on, who is this really? Hubbel, Leonard? This is really Batman.
I'll be an out of work actor.
Say, what can I do for you, Batman baby? Need a little free publicity? Ha! I'd like you to place an item in your column about a rare species of canary that's being exhibited on the 12th floor of the Gotham City Natural History Museum.
Well, anything you say, Caped Crusader.
Always glad to aid the Hooded Avenger.
I appreciate that.
Hey, why don't you and I have lunch together sometime? Perhaps.
Goodbye.
See you around.
You are the créme de la créme of Gotham City's cat burglars.
So why did we have to waste our time with those dumb robberies? - Unh! -Never question my motives.
Suffice it to say that 12 men applied for this job.
All the others washed out when they were caught by the law.
You proved your mettle when you escaped unscathed.
I am in the process of selecting cat burglars for the greatest caper in crimedom's history.
So, what is it already? In due time.
In due time.
Speak.
O' SHEA".
Catwoman, sweetheart.
What's shaking, baby? Watch your language, knave.
Remember, I'm a lady.
Yeah.
Right.
Well, I've got some news that ought to raise the fur on your back.
The Batman has arranged a trap.
There's a rare canary on the 12th floor of the Gotham City Natural History Museum.
I guess he figured you'd want to, uh, steal it.
My, is that so? Good going, my perfidious printsman.
Keep in touch.
Yeah.
Hey, why don't we get together and share a saucer of milk sometime? Don't be ridiculous.
It would ravage my reputation if I were seen with you.
Nobody wants to eat with me.
Now.
Pay attention.
It's time for your lesson in window-jimmying.
After this, we'll have a short recess and discuss Batman and Robin's upcoming funeral.
- Are those the Batjets you told me about? -Yes, Robin.
Each one contains enough compressed bat-jection to lift a 5000 pound automobile more than 500 miles in the air.
We haven't tested them yet, but we may have to use them eventually.
Batman, you think of everything.
- Remember, the Boy Scouts' motto? -Be prepared.
It would do well to keep that in mind at all times.
I took the liberty, sir, of preparing you both a snack.
How thoughtful, Alfred, but we must be gone.
Crime waits for no one.
Oh, but surely, sir, you'll take some nourishment.
It's not conducive to good health to fight the forces of evil without proper supplies.
Ah.
As they say, an army travels on its stomach.
Indeed, sir.
Uh, I anticipated your haste.
- I provided this sack.
-Ah.
Uh, it's always been my motto: "be prepared.
" Truer words were never spoken.
And if I may say so, sir, where are you off to? The Gotham City Natural History Museum.
And we must get there pronto before Catwoman.
- If my calculations are correct -They usually are.
someone should be coming through that window within the next six seconds.
Six, five, four You were right.
Don't make a move, you light-fingered larcenist, consider yourself apprehended.
Now wait a second, Batman and Robin.
Is that fair, two against one? You're big, important crime fighters and I'm just a lowly cat burglar trying to eke out a living in this dog-eat-dog world.
I'd hoped the Catwoman herself might materialize here tonight.
If you'd just look behind you, you'll see that she did.
Holy cliche.
Does he expect us to fall for that? Ah, my tenacious teenager, you have a lot to learn.
You witch.
Batman, with all your many attributes you haven't learned the first thing about manners.
A gentleman would kiss a lady's hand.
You are not a lady.
You are a-- Hss! Curb your tongue, Batman.
I cannot tolerate a man with no breeding.
All right, cats, get them.
Enough.
Enough! Cease this fiddle-dee-dee.
- Are you ready to capitulate? - Heavens forbid.
I just don't see the reason for any further violence.
Especially since my side is losing.
Holy weaponry.
Look what she's got in her paws.
I've got you covered with my cat darts.
They've been dipped in catatonic, just enough to paralyze you for a minute or so.
Holy D'Artagnan.
You've made your point.
Unh.
What is she going to do with us? You can be sure her intentions are not honorable.
I'm gonna throw you out that window.
Twelve floors straight down.
I hope you enjoy your flight.
Do the deed and be quick about it.
I hate long goodbyes.
I don't believe it.
What rotten luck.
Put on your cat suits, let's get out of here.
The fuzz will be stepping on our tails.
Lucky we had Captain Ahab of the White Whaling Company put up these fishnets to catch the canary cage she might've tossed out the window.
These nets sure saved our lives.
Not luck, Robin, we were prepared.
But it is true, some days one is luckier than others.
I really hate to do this.
This may give the caretaker quite a shock.
"Gotham City's much beloved crime busters blew the duke last night when they allowed the Viscountess of Venality to escape their bumbling efforts.
Now the question is, have the dynamic Caped Crusaders fallen on their masks?" What a scathing denunciation.
Why would O'Shea be so vitriolic? Here's the one spalpeen we caught last night after the others got away.
- He's all yours, Batman.
-Thank you, Chief O'Hara.
You might as well spill it.
You can kick me, hit me and stomp me, but I'll never talk.
All right, I'll talk.
- Where's Catwoman's lair? - I don't know.
They pick me up at my swank one room apartment blindfold me, then take me to her place.
Any clues as to where it is? All I know is that I heard rock 'n' roll music in the background whenever I go to one of her lectures.
Lessons in larceny.
How despicable.
And I used to hear a lot of people marching on the floor above my head.
With a bunch of cats meowing whenever the music stopped.
Heh-heh.
Oh, yeah, one other thing.
Whatever her caper is, she plans it for tonight.
- Very well.
Take him away, Chief O'Hara.
-Come on.
It's 10 a.
m.
If we're to figure out her plot, we better shake a boot.
Let's go.
Come on, Alfred, it's easy.
Don't be an old fuddy-duddy.
I'm afraid my dancing days ended with the Lambeth Walk, madam.
Doctor's orders, you know, war injury.
Heavens.
Oh, boy.
I like rock 'n' roll music as much as the next red-blooded average American teenager but this stuff is awful.
It's the latest dance.
They call it the Cattuzzi.
By Benedict Arnold and the Traitors.
It started a couple of weeks ago at a new restaurant on the west side called the Pink Sandbox.
What are your specialties? Catburgers with catsup, Chicken Cat-atore and various cuts of meat from choice Kansas City cattle.
If you'll come back in a moment, we'll give you our orders.
All right.
Holy epicure.
Using this restaurant as a cover-up.
Oh, she's smart all right.
But this time we'll turn the tables on her.
You were right, Robin, this must be the place.
The early cat catches the Batman.
Don't bother, Batman.
This glass is shatter-proof, bulletproof and bat-proof.
What are we gonna do, Batman? What are you gonna do? You're gonna die.
I'm not just pussyfooting around this time, Batman.
You can't frighten us with any of your threats, you feline Sorceress.
Take heed, we shall overcome your satanic schemes.
If we weren't on opposite sides of the law, Batman, I could go for you in a small way.
You're about the only man I've met lately who'd be worthy of me.
Holy lovebirds, I think she's sweet on you, Batman.
The Joker called for a date last Monday.
He's fairly attractive.
But I can't stand his green hair.
And the Penguin's too small for me.
Your problem is you've been running around with a bad crowd.
Enough of this moralizing, Batman.
Nobody likes a preaching crime fighter.
Batman and Robin your time has come.
Prepare thyselves for the hotfoot to end all hot feet.
Charlie, switch it on.
Look at them dance, boys.
It's amazing how two such athletic human beings can be so ungainly.
We've gotta cool this floor down, or our feet will be severely burned.
Holy bunions.
Look, there's a water pipe.
Little do they know that pipe contains liquid catatonia.
Fumes will drive them batty and knock them temporarily out.
Wake up, you birdies.
I wouldn't want you to make your exits without knowing exactly how it's to be done.
You hateful hussy.
The reflectors have been greased with margarine to make you all the more fryable.
Holy oleo.
I didn't know you could yodel.
- Have you no semblance of decency? -Not a shred.
Thomas, Charles bring over the piéce de résistance.
Hot enough for you, Batman? You two guys are really hot stuff.
Two minutes under this blistering heat and you'll be very well-done indeed.
It's too bad it had to end now, guys but look at it this way, you will have starred in a new show.
What's that? Bat on a Hot Tin Roof.
That's not a bit funny.
Well, you never did have much of a sense of humor, anyhow.
Farewell.
Farewell.
I must depart and muster my forces for the final assault on Mount Gotham.
At most, you have a few scant minutes before you either choke to death or get one of the worst cases of sunburn in history.