Batman (1966) s02e18 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
So far we have seen, outside the Annual Gotham City Charity Luncheon a different kind of charity.
And a different kind of hero.
The Penguin.
Penguin, a civic-minded citizen? Holy turnabouts, something's fishy.
Mayor Lindseed, what was it? Penguin for mayor? He couldn't possibly win.
Oh, yes, he could.
Disaster for Gotham City.
Only one hope.
Batman for mayor.
The Penguin campaign in high gear.
Penguin posters everywhere.
Batman discussed the issues to sympathetic supporters while Penguin issued champagne and other goodies.
The Caped Candidate talked to the voters.
But these voters wanted him out of the race.
Robin, a political liability.
Holy soap suds.
An acid bath that could eat them clean to the bone.
And a deadly set of scales.
The waddling politico arrives to quack.
Hang on for just one searing minute.
In a few more seconds we're gonna be in the soup, Batman.
It's all my fault, Robin.
I should have recognized those goons as soon as I saw them.
Well, here goes.
Batman! Batman! - Batman, are you all right? -Yes, thanks to Alfred.
Lucky he insisted on making these new costumes out of acid-proof material.
Holy coffin nails, Batman, you sure had me scared.
Just a second while I dissolve these thongs.
Now to get you down from there, then we'll get out of here.
Like them, Pengy? Never mind the buttons, Lulu.
Batman is no longer with us.
As of now it's a one-man race.
- Then you should win it easily.
-Hwah, hwah, hwah.
That's very true.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What? Hwah? Acid-proof costumes? Faugh.
Faugh them.
Well, he's not smear-proof.
And when I get through with him on our TV debate even his own mother won't vote for him.
This is ridiculous, Batman.
Debating the Penguin on television when he tried to kill you not two hours ago.
Unfortunately we have no proof.
If I mention that, the Fair Campaign Practices Committee would accuse me of using smear tactics.
I certainly wouldn't want that.
You have to hold still, sir otherwise I shall be smearing the makeup on your cowl.
Sorry, Alfred.
There.
You should look quite good under the lights now, sir.
How do you do, ladies and gentlemen? Station KGOM is very happy and proud to bring you a debate between the candidates who are running for mayor of Gotham City.
I believe the Penguin will lead off the debate.
Friends and fellow citizens I wanna give you my solemn word that there will be no mud-slinging in this campaign unless, of course, my opponent slings it.
But I intend to stick to the issues.
Now, what are the issues? There is only one: Batman.
Who is he? Who is this acrobatic clown who somersaults around Gotham City in that ridiculous costume? I suggest that behind that mask, Batman is in reality a dangerous criminal.
Why else does he wear a mask? Why else does he conceal his past? Would you think about that a moment, my friends? Whenever you've seen Batman, who is he with? Criminals.
That's who.
You look in the old newspapers.
Every picture of Batman shows him with thugs and with thieves and hobnobbing with crooks.
Whereas my pictures show me always surrounded by whom? By the police.
I am associate of the law.
Listen to those lies.
Oh, that Penguin, he's as crooked as a warped shillelagh.
Now, which man do you want to run Gotham City? A man like myself, who is always in the company of the law or a man like Batman who rubs elbows with the worst elements of this city and who is undoubtedly a desperate criminal himself? Think about it without rancor, and remember this: No mud-slinging in this campaign.
Yeah, Penguin, attaboy! Thank you very much.
You bet.
And now we should have a few words from the other candidate.
My fellow citizens let me begin by pointing out some inconsistencies in both the logic and the substance of Mr.
Penguin's preceding remarks.
Vote Penguin, yes, sirree He's the vote for you and me Clean up Gotham, one, two, three What's going on? This is your doing, you waddling pat politician.
Tut-tut, Wonder Midget.
Can I help it if I have enthusiastic fans? Besides, now the voters won't be bored to death by Batman's babble.
Hwah, hwah, hwah.
We interrupt this broadcast for a special news flash.
The Gotham City Convention Hall, containing $2 million worth of displays for the forthcoming Jewelers Convention is being robbed by a gang of criminals who have barricaded themselves inside Don't just stand there, get down to Convention Hall.
Right, commissioner.
We better get right down there, Robin.
Why, you two incompetents will botch this job.
Citizen Penguin to the rescue.
This is Walter Klondike in the lobby of Gotham City's Convention Hall where one of the greatest robberies of all time is taking place right now.
The two candidates for mayor have just gone inside to help subdue the cutthroat gang that has kept Gotham City's police force at bay.
Oh, Chief O'Hara.
Well, chief, how does it look to you now? Grim, that's how it looks.
I only hope that Batman and Robin get out of there alive.
- Mm.
How about the Penguin? -Him? Why, that--! Thank you very much, Chief O'Hara.
We now switch you to Chet Chumley inside Convention Hall.
Come in, Chet.
Thank you, Walter.
This is Chet Chumley inside Convention Hall.
From our post here high above the floor, we can see the battle spread before us.
And Batman, Robin, and the Penguin are struggling furiously with the thugs who are attempting to make off with over a million dollars in jewels.
Well, not so fakey, you fink.
Not so real.
Well, that's all for Robin.
Just leaves the two candidates.
Uh, we switch now to David Dooley down on the Convention floor.
Come in, David.
Thank you, Chet.
This is David Dooley on the Convention floor.
I'll to maneuver over to Batman to see if I can get him to say a few words to us.
Is there anything at all you'd like to say to the television audience, Batman? Of course, Batman, a little bit later.
Thank you.
This is David Dooley on the Convention floor.
I switch you back now to Chet Chumley.
Take it away, Chet.
Thank you, David.
This is Chet Chumley high above the Convention floor.
The battle is raging hot and heavy below us.
Wait a minute.
Batman got one.
Now it looks like the Penguin is about to get one.
He did.
Score one more for the Penguin.
Well, it looks like the Penguin is rolling up quite a lead.
But it's still a tight contest.
I think that, uh, David has maneuvered over toward the Penguin now so we switch to the Convention floor and David Dooley.
Come in, David.
Thank you, Chet.
This is David Dooley on the Convention floor.
I'm going to see now if we can get a few words from the other candidate.
Is there anything you'd like to say to our audience? Though I'm very busy right now, David, as you can see bringing law and order back to Gotham City I always have a few words to say to the voters even when my own life is in danger.
Where's the camera? Ladies and gentlemen, friends of Gotham City you've seen both of the candidates in action.
And you can decide yourself which of us is better able to run this glorious city.
You seem to be putting more thugs out of business than Batman.
- How do you explain that? -Proves that I'm right.
Batman is in cahoots with the criminal elements.
- He's got one foot in the underground.
-Thank you for your opinion, Penguin.
- Mr.
Penguin.
- I'll teach you to defile our fair city.
Penguin.
- The Penguin.
-The Penguin.
What a man.
What a man.
The Penguin has certainly gained some political mileage today.
Batman, are you all right? There were just too many for me, Robin.
But somehow the Penguin was knocking them down left and right.
That whole thing was a setup, Batman.
That waddling weasel planned it.
Perhaps, but I'm afraid we can't prove it.
I guess nobody likes a loser.
Well, that's the story from Convention Hall.
- Good night, David.
-Good night, Chet.
It's a black day for Gotham City.
- I just talked to Gallus, Rooper and Trendek.
-How bad was it? The latest polls show That's gratitude for you.
After all that Batman has done for our citizens.
I think you underestimate the good citizens of Gotham City, chief.
But look at the poll, Batman.
Elections are not won by polls, commissioner.
They're won by votes, at least in this country.
Sixty-five percent is a big margin, Batman.
I know it looks grim, Robin but I wouldn't throw in the towel until the votes are counted.
Uh, the first returns should be coming in now.
This is Walter Klondike.
The first returns on the mayor's election have just come in.
As usual, the northeastern precincts are reporting earliest.
And the tally from the northeast gives the Penguin 12,574 and Batman 9682.
- Hello? -Hello, commissioner.
This is the next mayor of Gotham City speaking.
What? Who is this? No, I just wanted to tell you not to worry about your job.
See, I'm appointing the Riddler new commissioner of police and he's promised to give you back your old job.
WW, you pompous-- Oh, that's pounding the beat on the waterfront.
Why, you-- - Listen, you malignant-- -Oh, tut-tut.
No harsh words, please.
Commissioner, I'll put you in charge of cleaning sewers.
- How dare you? -And you tell that Irish stooge of yours that his next job will be shining the shoes of the new police chief: The Joker.
Terrible thing is, in a few short hours, that mangy bird may be my boss.
Here's a new development, ladies and gentlemen.
Although the eastern precincts went heavily for the Penguin the middle and western precincts show a very strong Batman trend.
Western precincts? Batman is probably getting the Indian vote.
Penguin's lead has narrowed to a few thousand, and continues to shrink.
This election may still have some few surprises in it.
You three blow-hards told me I couldn't lose.
- What's happening? -The X factor.
Random sampling error.
Well, you better pray that my lead holds or you'll be taking random samplings of river water from the bottom.
-It's too good to be true.
-Shh.
The returns.
Here are the latest reports.
The Batman trend is continuing.
The western precincts have gone solidly for Batman.
The Caped Candidate is now to within 1000 votes of the Penguin.
You were the only one who really had faith in the voters, Batman.
- I'm ashamed of myself.
-We're all ashamed, Batman.
We were ready to desert the ship, you never lost your courage.
You brought us safely through.
I never would've believed that the polls could be wrong.
There have been other candidates who have trusted too much to the polls.
And they found out that it's the votes that count.
Smart politicians trust the voters, not the polls.
After all, if you can't trust the voters, whom can you trust? Gotta win this election by hook or by crook.
At least you have choices, Pengy.
If you don't have a board of electors, you can't count the votes.
And if you can't count the votes, you can't announce the winner.
That s real sharp thinking.
So hang the polls and hang the pollsters.
I told you not to count those hobos down at the freight yards.
What about the two sword swallowers and the lady wrestler you turned in? Nobody will ever listen to us again.
Don't worry, we can always get a job rating TV Shows.
- Ha, ha.
We're going to win.
-Saints be praised.
You certainly taught me a few things about politics, Batman.
Hello? Oh, just a minute.
- For you.
-Hello? The law says that the votes must be counted only by a duly appointed Board of Elections, Batman.
And it so happens that I have the Board of Elections right here with me.
All three of them.
And unless the city council meets within one half an hour and proclaims me mayor of Gotham City they will be counting the votes in a morgue.
You forget about the Bat-trace of Batman.
I'm not gonna be on the phone long enough to let you trace the call.
Good bye.
The Penguin has kidnapped the Board of Elections, Mayor Lindseed.
Holy potluck.
No, Robin, not at all.
Even the Penguin hasn't unlimited funds.
I suspect the campaign has severely depleted his resources and he's holding his hostages in the headquarters of that venerable organization the Grand Order of Occidental Nighthawks.
Let's go.
The half hour's up, and nothing from Batman.
I think my little grandstand play has turned the tide.
Turn the TV on again, Lulu.
While we watch ex-mayor Hayseed or whatever his name is proclaim me mayor.
Oh, I am gonna wring the city dry.
I'm gonna pick the bones of Gotham City and throw the carcass to the finks.
Aren't you being a little premature, Penguin? How'd you find this place? You goofed, that's how.
And no good mayor ever goofs.
Particularly when he hasn't even been elected yet.
But I have the Board of Elections here.
They can't have counted any more votes.
They didn't need to.
This is some sort of a trick, that's what it is.
Some sort of a low, scurvy, underhanded, political sort of a trick.
I'll have you reported to the Fair Campaign Practices Committee.
No, PengY- You said we associated with criminals.
So here we are.
Attack.
I thought you bought the machine to turn out your campaign literature, Pengy.
Look what it's turning out now.
I see it.
And it's not literature.
I'm getting out of here before they package me.
- You'd better too.
-No.
Batman wouldn't dare touch me.
Think what it would do to his public image.
Remember, remember, I'm a candidate for the mayor of Gotham City.
You lay hands on me, and I'll have the voters after you.
Keep your distance.
Keep your distance, I say.
Keep your distance.
I think it's time for us to wrap up the election.
I take it you mean wrap up the candidate.
Oh, exactly.
Aah! Blast it, I'm a political candidate! Hwah, hwah, hwah.
In case you're interested, Penguin Batman won the election by an overwhelming margin.
The votes were already counted when you kidnapped the Board.
Faugh, it's a fraud, I say.
I demand a recount.
Don't worry, you'll have another chance soon.
The Convicts Committee for Clean Prison Government is having an election next week.
You should arrive just in time to run for chairman.
And if you need any endorsements, uh, just let us know.
Hwah, hwah, hwah.
I demand my constitutional rights.
Hwah, hwah.
Now that I've resigned in favor of Mayor Lindseed Gotham City will be back in good hands for another four years.
And if nothing else, Robin got a good lesson in civics.
Oh, I had enough experience to last me forever.
You can never have too much experience in politics, Robin as many politicians have discovered.
Yes? Why, yes, he's right here.
- Batman, for you.
-Thank you.
Batman.
Thank you very much.
I'm flattered that your committee should be interested in me as a presidential candidate for 1968 but I'm afraid my Gotham City duties take precedence.
Yes, I will definitely let you know if I change my mind.
Well.
Bulging ballot boxes, Batman, that was some offer.
And you ain't even a general, Batman.
Anyway, it was nice of them to call.
Yes? Hold on, just a moment.
Batman, another call.
Yes, Batman.
I'm flattered, gentlemen but I thought your party had a candidate for 1968.
NARRATOR".
Next week Mr.
Freeze returns.