Batman (1966) s02e23 Episode Script
Marsha, Queen of Diamonds (1)
NARRATOR".
Another sparkling day in Gotham City.
Look sharp, O'Toole.
With the Queen of Diamonds back in town, we've gotta be on our toes.
Look up, O'Rourke.
The diamond-dizzy dame has been after the Pretzel Diamond for years.
She's bound to make a go for it.
Goldberg, look alive.
Chief O'Hara's instructions were to stop the Queen of Diamonds no matter what the cost.
- Chief O'Hara.
-At ease, O'Leary.
Any trouble in here? No, chief.
Everything's fine.
- The Pretzel Diamond's still in there, is it? -Yes, sir.
That's all I wanted to know.
The Queen of Diamonds.
Thank you, darling.
You're doing very well so far.
All I ask is the chance to be near you, Marsha.
To bask in the light of your adorable presence.
Yes, yes, darling, later.
Right now the diamond, remember? Of course, my dear.
Uh, oh.
Bring your men and follow me.
Yes, chief.
O'Toole, O'Rourke, Goldberg, follow me.
The Queen of Diamonds.
That's enough of that.
Don't you recognize me? Why, it's Chief O'Hara.
And she's-- She's No guided tours today, darling.
Chief, darling, the diamond.
Oh, yes, my dear.
- Bring us the Pretzel Diamond.
-But-- Or perhaps you want to be arrested for obstructing the law.
There, my lovely.
Now you can't doubt my sincerity.
This is proof of my devotion.
It's a start.
Alas, 'tis a pale thing beside your own beauty.
Let's take the rock and let the rhetoric go, shall we, darling? Do you have a bag? O'Leary, see that these two don't make any trouble.
Yes, chief.
Anything you want in Gotham City is yours, my lovely.
Take my life.
Take my love.
Take my all.
Do be careful, sir.
There's no danger with the power off, Alfred.
- You think we'll have to replace it, Batman? -I certainly hope not, Robin.
There.
You may turn the power on, Alfred.
- Yes, I think it's going to work now.
-Lucky for us.
It takes six months to manufacture another Bat-diamond that big even with a giant hydraulic Bat-press.
Yes, it would be difficult, especially since, for our purposes it has to be far more pure than a natural diamond.
One moment, commissioner.
-It's Commissioner Gordon, sir.
- I'll take it on the Bat-extension up here, Alfred.
Yes, commissioner.
Well, there must be some mistake.
We've all known Chief O'Hara for years.
He'd never-- I see.
The Queen of Diamonds.
Yes, it is serious.
Perhaps far more serious than any of us yet realize.
We'll be right down, commissioner.
What's wrong with Chief O'Hara? That, Robin, is a question I hope we'll be able to answer.
That's right, commissioner.
Good bye.
Was that all right? Did I do it right? Just fine, darling.
You're not going to keep me in here, are you, my love? Just for a little while.
Please, let me be near you.
I don't mind the cage, as long as it's near you.
Don't worry, darling.
I'll visit you once a week.
Please, Marsha, it's too cruel.
Don't go, Marsha.
Don't go, Marsha.
It isn't fair, Marsha.
Stay near us, Marsha.
Marsha, please, come back.
- Marsha! Marsha! - Come back! Your report, Grand Mogul.
The usual, Your Highness.
One of your admirers attempted suicide as proof of his devotion.
He threw himself into an automatic dryer and tried to tumble himself to death, but failed.
How boring.
What have you found out about the Bat-diamond? We have ascertained that the Bat-diamond is used as a power source for the Batcomputer.
It is well over 10,000 carats in size.
Magnificent.
Where is it kept? In the Batcave, Your Highness.
- But no one knows where the Batcave is.
-I will know where the Batcave is.
In fact, I will be inside the Batcave once I've sprung my little trap.
Is Cupid loaded? I will attend to that now, Your Highness.
Be quick about it.
We're expecting a guest.
Ready, Your Highness.
Good, good.
Now Cupid will plant his little arrow where it'll do the most good.
Holy Houdini, where's the commissioner? I don't know, Robin, but it's not like him.
He knew we were coming.
Looks like Queen of Diamonds is dealing from the bottom of the deck.
I'm afraid you may be right.
But all we can do is wait till we hear from him and hope that he's not walking into a trap.
Where is Chief O'Hara? What have you done with him, you diabolical Mata Hari? If you've harmed a hair on O'Hara's head I'll have you in jail for the rest of your life.
-Don't be tiresome, darling.
Here, sit down next to me and relax.
Your hanky-panky won't work with me, young lady.
I want O'Hara.
You don't find me the least bit attractive? Your charms are useless, you evil temptress.
I'm not gonna dance to your little tune.
Really? My only concern is Chief O'Hara.
Where is he? Ooh.
Oh.
Oh, my Oh, my You are my only concern, Marsha.
You beautiful creature.
I'm yours to command.
That's better, darling.
Tell me more.
Commissioner Gordon's office.
Yes, commissioner, we'll be right there.
Don't worry.
The Queen of Diamonds has added Commissioner Gordon to her list.
Holy hypnotism, what are we getting ourselves into? I don't know, Robin, but with Chief O'Hara and Commissioner Gordon in her clutches we have no choice.
Now, don't be difficult, commissioner, darling.
Don't leave me, Marsha.
I just want to gaze at your beauty.
I'll do anything.
I'll roll myself into a ball, you can use me as your footstool.
Just don't ever leave me.
I'm sorry, darling.
I have to pay a visit to my dear old Aunt Hilda in the basement.
She's mine.
Mine.
Never, O' Hara! She's mine! - Come back, Marsha! -Come back, Marsha! Double, double, toil and trouble.
Bubble, bubble.
Ah.
Ha-ha-ha.
A notion, a potion, for making a commotion.
Ha-ha-ha.
I have a potion that will do anything you want it to.
Really, Aunt Hilda? Don't you think you're carrying this thing a bit too far? Can't you let an old lady have a little fun? You go right ahead, darling, and have all the fun you want to just as long as your potions keep getting results.
Remember, I was a chemistry professor at Vassar for 20 years, deary.
I remember.
I also remember they fired you.
Yes, I tried one of my potions in the college cafeteria.
And it turned the entire student body orange for a week.
That was before I completed my research.
My potions are much better now.
Yes, they have been getting good results but now I need a very special potion for a very special purpose.
This is my best batch.
My very best batch.
It's just lovely, and I've even added a pound of dugong blubber.
Is it powerful enough to work on Batman? Ooh.
Batman is a special case.
Bats have a very strong resistance to occult powers.
But if anything will work, this will.
Pass me the salt, deary.
Cupid is loaded, Your Highness.
Good.
Leave me now.
I'll clap if I need you.
Yes, Your Highness.
Come in.
Watch out, Batman.
The powers of darkness reside in this room.
Holy harem, Batman.
What a nest.
There's more here than meets the eye, Robin.
Welcome, darling.
Welcome to my little flat.
Sit down.
Make yourselves comfortable.
We're not here to be comfortable, Marsha.
This is strictly a business call.
How very rude of you, Batman.
Batman's never rude to a lady, but you're no lady.
She may not be a lady, Robin, but she is a woman and as such, she deserves some courtesy.
How very gallant of you, Batman.
Let's dispense with the mutual flattery, Marsha.
Where are Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara? -How very irrelevant of you, Batman.
They're unimportant.
Let's talk about you and me.
We have nothing to discuss in that area, Marsha.
We will, darling.
- We will.
-Watch out, Batman, she's up to something.
Ouch.
Unh.
-It's a dart.
-Poison.
Oh, not poison, darling.
Merely a disposition improver.
It's some kind of a drug, Robin.
It's bending my will.
- Batman.
-Marsha.
- Batman.
-Oh, Marsha.
- Batman.
-Marsha.
Fight it, Batman.
Come.
I'm trying.
Robin, it's some kind of love-inducing drug.
It's trying to bend my will, Robin.
Ooh.
To make me fall in love with Marsha.
Batman.
Holy fate worse than death, you've got to resist it.
I am trying.
I'm trying, Robin.
Don't try to fight it, darling.
Relax and worship me.
Worship me, I said.
On your knees.
I prefer to stand, Marsha.
Your drug didn't work.
You did it, Batman.
It wasn't easy, Robin.
It took every last ounce of my willpower.
You mean you're not in love with me? I'm not even mildly interested.
Outrageous.
How dare you reject Marsha, Queen of Diamonds? This is insufferable effrontery.
Bah! Carve them into camel food.
Yes, Your Highness.
No.
He's mine.
You adorable creature.
I'm yours to command.
Oh, no.
Robin.
Here's your first command, my young worshipper.
Stop that annoying fellow in the blue cape.
Stop it, Batman.
Marsha said, stop it.
Do you hear? Do you hear? Robin, it's me, Batman.
Batman, Batman.
What do I care? You're annoying Marsha.
I'll fight you to the death.
All right, I'll stop.
Well done, darling.
Grand Mogul, take him to the suitors' quarters.
- Don't touch him.
-Ah, ah! One false move and your young friend remains at my feet forever.
Only I can release him.
If he had more experience, he might have been able to resist your drug but you took advantage of his youth.
Cooperate or Robin remains in my power forever.
All right, you win.
No, let me stay near Marsha.
I'm hers to command.
No, let me stay! Don't worry, Robin, I'll get you out of this somehow.
Well, Batman, what is he worth to you? This is not a joke.
I'd give my life for that boy.
Oh, the price isn't nearly that high, darling.
I merely want the gigantic Bat-diamond that powers the Batcomputer.
It's yours.
But first you'll have to give Robin the antidote for that drug.
No, no, no, not so fast.
I want to appropriate that diamond myself personally.
I wanna go into the Batcave and get it.
That's impossible.
Remember what's at stake.
I couldn't do that, not even for Robin.
I made a sacred vow that no stranger would ever enter the Batcave.
And knowing you, you'd never break that vow, would you? Absolutely not.
In that case, we'll have to figure out a way to get me into the Batcave without breaking your vow, won't we? That can't be done.
Oh, where there's a will, there's a way.
Now, let's see.
You made a vow that no stranger would enter the Batcave.
- What if I weren't a stranger? -What do you mean? What if I were Mrs.
Batman? Marry you? Why not, darling? As your wife, I'd have every right to go in the Batcave.
You must be joking.
I never joke, darling.
Besides, one vow deserves another.
Now, think of Robin.
Not to mention Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara.
Unless we become a happy couple, those three will spend the rest of their lives following me around on their knees.
I have no choice.
Wonderful, darling.
Yes, Your Highness? Batman and I are to be married this afternoon.
Make all the necessary arrangements.
Yes, Your Highness.
Marsha, Queen of Diamonds.
Mrs.
Batman.
Ha-ha-ha, how marvelous.
This has been quite a day in Gotham City.
First, the unexplained disappearance of Police Chief O'Hara.
Followed by the disappearance of Commissioner Gordon.
And now to top it all off the announcement that Batman will marry the Queen of Diamonds this afternoon.
Who knows what will happen next on this strange and baffling day? Who knows indeed? As if anything could possibly matter after Batman has married that woman.
I'd venture to say, madam, that Batman has been coerced in some fashion.
He'd never submit to such a thing of his own free will.
Oh, I quite agree with you, Alfred.
I'm sure there's skullduggery afoot.
- Question is, what to do about it.
-You mean we should do something? Uh-- Why, yes, of course, madam.
After all, we are citizens of Gotham City.
Heaven knows Batman has done enough for all of us in the past.
Oh, more than enough.
But what can we do if Batman himself couldn't stop it? Well, we must try and think of something.
Oh, I wish Bruce were here.
I'm sure he could think of something.
I'm not at all sure that he could.
- I take it you're the best man? -Yes.
It's time for the groom.
In case you've forgotten the ring, Batman, I have six extras.
I made a bargain and I'll stick to it.
Anything is better than to let Robin go through life the way he is.
It's natural to be a little nervous, darling.
Everyone is, the first time.
Robin had better be all right.
Oh, he's perfectly safe as long as you cooperate.
By the way, have you decided where we're going to spend our honeymoon? Not a very cheerful groom, are you? I'll be perfectly happy to spend my honeymoon in the Batcave.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today NARRATOR".
Batman, to become a henpecked husband? And Mrs.
Batman, Gotham City's arch-criminals? Do you, Marsha, take this Batman to be your lawful wedded husband? To love, honor, and obey as long as you both shall live? I do.
And do you, Batman, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife? To love, honor, and cherish as long as you shall live? I.
-I -Say, "I do.
" l.
Another sparkling day in Gotham City.
Look sharp, O'Toole.
With the Queen of Diamonds back in town, we've gotta be on our toes.
Look up, O'Rourke.
The diamond-dizzy dame has been after the Pretzel Diamond for years.
She's bound to make a go for it.
Goldberg, look alive.
Chief O'Hara's instructions were to stop the Queen of Diamonds no matter what the cost.
- Chief O'Hara.
-At ease, O'Leary.
Any trouble in here? No, chief.
Everything's fine.
- The Pretzel Diamond's still in there, is it? -Yes, sir.
That's all I wanted to know.
The Queen of Diamonds.
Thank you, darling.
You're doing very well so far.
All I ask is the chance to be near you, Marsha.
To bask in the light of your adorable presence.
Yes, yes, darling, later.
Right now the diamond, remember? Of course, my dear.
Uh, oh.
Bring your men and follow me.
Yes, chief.
O'Toole, O'Rourke, Goldberg, follow me.
The Queen of Diamonds.
That's enough of that.
Don't you recognize me? Why, it's Chief O'Hara.
And she's-- She's No guided tours today, darling.
Chief, darling, the diamond.
Oh, yes, my dear.
- Bring us the Pretzel Diamond.
-But-- Or perhaps you want to be arrested for obstructing the law.
There, my lovely.
Now you can't doubt my sincerity.
This is proof of my devotion.
It's a start.
Alas, 'tis a pale thing beside your own beauty.
Let's take the rock and let the rhetoric go, shall we, darling? Do you have a bag? O'Leary, see that these two don't make any trouble.
Yes, chief.
Anything you want in Gotham City is yours, my lovely.
Take my life.
Take my love.
Take my all.
Do be careful, sir.
There's no danger with the power off, Alfred.
- You think we'll have to replace it, Batman? -I certainly hope not, Robin.
There.
You may turn the power on, Alfred.
- Yes, I think it's going to work now.
-Lucky for us.
It takes six months to manufacture another Bat-diamond that big even with a giant hydraulic Bat-press.
Yes, it would be difficult, especially since, for our purposes it has to be far more pure than a natural diamond.
One moment, commissioner.
-It's Commissioner Gordon, sir.
- I'll take it on the Bat-extension up here, Alfred.
Yes, commissioner.
Well, there must be some mistake.
We've all known Chief O'Hara for years.
He'd never-- I see.
The Queen of Diamonds.
Yes, it is serious.
Perhaps far more serious than any of us yet realize.
We'll be right down, commissioner.
What's wrong with Chief O'Hara? That, Robin, is a question I hope we'll be able to answer.
That's right, commissioner.
Good bye.
Was that all right? Did I do it right? Just fine, darling.
You're not going to keep me in here, are you, my love? Just for a little while.
Please, let me be near you.
I don't mind the cage, as long as it's near you.
Don't worry, darling.
I'll visit you once a week.
Please, Marsha, it's too cruel.
Don't go, Marsha.
Don't go, Marsha.
It isn't fair, Marsha.
Stay near us, Marsha.
Marsha, please, come back.
- Marsha! Marsha! - Come back! Your report, Grand Mogul.
The usual, Your Highness.
One of your admirers attempted suicide as proof of his devotion.
He threw himself into an automatic dryer and tried to tumble himself to death, but failed.
How boring.
What have you found out about the Bat-diamond? We have ascertained that the Bat-diamond is used as a power source for the Batcomputer.
It is well over 10,000 carats in size.
Magnificent.
Where is it kept? In the Batcave, Your Highness.
- But no one knows where the Batcave is.
-I will know where the Batcave is.
In fact, I will be inside the Batcave once I've sprung my little trap.
Is Cupid loaded? I will attend to that now, Your Highness.
Be quick about it.
We're expecting a guest.
Ready, Your Highness.
Good, good.
Now Cupid will plant his little arrow where it'll do the most good.
Holy Houdini, where's the commissioner? I don't know, Robin, but it's not like him.
He knew we were coming.
Looks like Queen of Diamonds is dealing from the bottom of the deck.
I'm afraid you may be right.
But all we can do is wait till we hear from him and hope that he's not walking into a trap.
Where is Chief O'Hara? What have you done with him, you diabolical Mata Hari? If you've harmed a hair on O'Hara's head I'll have you in jail for the rest of your life.
-Don't be tiresome, darling.
Here, sit down next to me and relax.
Your hanky-panky won't work with me, young lady.
I want O'Hara.
You don't find me the least bit attractive? Your charms are useless, you evil temptress.
I'm not gonna dance to your little tune.
Really? My only concern is Chief O'Hara.
Where is he? Ooh.
Oh.
Oh, my Oh, my You are my only concern, Marsha.
You beautiful creature.
I'm yours to command.
That's better, darling.
Tell me more.
Commissioner Gordon's office.
Yes, commissioner, we'll be right there.
Don't worry.
The Queen of Diamonds has added Commissioner Gordon to her list.
Holy hypnotism, what are we getting ourselves into? I don't know, Robin, but with Chief O'Hara and Commissioner Gordon in her clutches we have no choice.
Now, don't be difficult, commissioner, darling.
Don't leave me, Marsha.
I just want to gaze at your beauty.
I'll do anything.
I'll roll myself into a ball, you can use me as your footstool.
Just don't ever leave me.
I'm sorry, darling.
I have to pay a visit to my dear old Aunt Hilda in the basement.
She's mine.
Mine.
Never, O' Hara! She's mine! - Come back, Marsha! -Come back, Marsha! Double, double, toil and trouble.
Bubble, bubble.
Ah.
Ha-ha-ha.
A notion, a potion, for making a commotion.
Ha-ha-ha.
I have a potion that will do anything you want it to.
Really, Aunt Hilda? Don't you think you're carrying this thing a bit too far? Can't you let an old lady have a little fun? You go right ahead, darling, and have all the fun you want to just as long as your potions keep getting results.
Remember, I was a chemistry professor at Vassar for 20 years, deary.
I remember.
I also remember they fired you.
Yes, I tried one of my potions in the college cafeteria.
And it turned the entire student body orange for a week.
That was before I completed my research.
My potions are much better now.
Yes, they have been getting good results but now I need a very special potion for a very special purpose.
This is my best batch.
My very best batch.
It's just lovely, and I've even added a pound of dugong blubber.
Is it powerful enough to work on Batman? Ooh.
Batman is a special case.
Bats have a very strong resistance to occult powers.
But if anything will work, this will.
Pass me the salt, deary.
Cupid is loaded, Your Highness.
Good.
Leave me now.
I'll clap if I need you.
Yes, Your Highness.
Come in.
Watch out, Batman.
The powers of darkness reside in this room.
Holy harem, Batman.
What a nest.
There's more here than meets the eye, Robin.
Welcome, darling.
Welcome to my little flat.
Sit down.
Make yourselves comfortable.
We're not here to be comfortable, Marsha.
This is strictly a business call.
How very rude of you, Batman.
Batman's never rude to a lady, but you're no lady.
She may not be a lady, Robin, but she is a woman and as such, she deserves some courtesy.
How very gallant of you, Batman.
Let's dispense with the mutual flattery, Marsha.
Where are Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara? -How very irrelevant of you, Batman.
They're unimportant.
Let's talk about you and me.
We have nothing to discuss in that area, Marsha.
We will, darling.
- We will.
-Watch out, Batman, she's up to something.
Ouch.
Unh.
-It's a dart.
-Poison.
Oh, not poison, darling.
Merely a disposition improver.
It's some kind of a drug, Robin.
It's bending my will.
- Batman.
-Marsha.
- Batman.
-Oh, Marsha.
- Batman.
-Marsha.
Fight it, Batman.
Come.
I'm trying.
Robin, it's some kind of love-inducing drug.
It's trying to bend my will, Robin.
Ooh.
To make me fall in love with Marsha.
Batman.
Holy fate worse than death, you've got to resist it.
I am trying.
I'm trying, Robin.
Don't try to fight it, darling.
Relax and worship me.
Worship me, I said.
On your knees.
I prefer to stand, Marsha.
Your drug didn't work.
You did it, Batman.
It wasn't easy, Robin.
It took every last ounce of my willpower.
You mean you're not in love with me? I'm not even mildly interested.
Outrageous.
How dare you reject Marsha, Queen of Diamonds? This is insufferable effrontery.
Bah! Carve them into camel food.
Yes, Your Highness.
No.
He's mine.
You adorable creature.
I'm yours to command.
Oh, no.
Robin.
Here's your first command, my young worshipper.
Stop that annoying fellow in the blue cape.
Stop it, Batman.
Marsha said, stop it.
Do you hear? Do you hear? Robin, it's me, Batman.
Batman, Batman.
What do I care? You're annoying Marsha.
I'll fight you to the death.
All right, I'll stop.
Well done, darling.
Grand Mogul, take him to the suitors' quarters.
- Don't touch him.
-Ah, ah! One false move and your young friend remains at my feet forever.
Only I can release him.
If he had more experience, he might have been able to resist your drug but you took advantage of his youth.
Cooperate or Robin remains in my power forever.
All right, you win.
No, let me stay near Marsha.
I'm hers to command.
No, let me stay! Don't worry, Robin, I'll get you out of this somehow.
Well, Batman, what is he worth to you? This is not a joke.
I'd give my life for that boy.
Oh, the price isn't nearly that high, darling.
I merely want the gigantic Bat-diamond that powers the Batcomputer.
It's yours.
But first you'll have to give Robin the antidote for that drug.
No, no, no, not so fast.
I want to appropriate that diamond myself personally.
I wanna go into the Batcave and get it.
That's impossible.
Remember what's at stake.
I couldn't do that, not even for Robin.
I made a sacred vow that no stranger would ever enter the Batcave.
And knowing you, you'd never break that vow, would you? Absolutely not.
In that case, we'll have to figure out a way to get me into the Batcave without breaking your vow, won't we? That can't be done.
Oh, where there's a will, there's a way.
Now, let's see.
You made a vow that no stranger would enter the Batcave.
- What if I weren't a stranger? -What do you mean? What if I were Mrs.
Batman? Marry you? Why not, darling? As your wife, I'd have every right to go in the Batcave.
You must be joking.
I never joke, darling.
Besides, one vow deserves another.
Now, think of Robin.
Not to mention Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara.
Unless we become a happy couple, those three will spend the rest of their lives following me around on their knees.
I have no choice.
Wonderful, darling.
Yes, Your Highness? Batman and I are to be married this afternoon.
Make all the necessary arrangements.
Yes, Your Highness.
Marsha, Queen of Diamonds.
Mrs.
Batman.
Ha-ha-ha, how marvelous.
This has been quite a day in Gotham City.
First, the unexplained disappearance of Police Chief O'Hara.
Followed by the disappearance of Commissioner Gordon.
And now to top it all off the announcement that Batman will marry the Queen of Diamonds this afternoon.
Who knows what will happen next on this strange and baffling day? Who knows indeed? As if anything could possibly matter after Batman has married that woman.
I'd venture to say, madam, that Batman has been coerced in some fashion.
He'd never submit to such a thing of his own free will.
Oh, I quite agree with you, Alfred.
I'm sure there's skullduggery afoot.
- Question is, what to do about it.
-You mean we should do something? Uh-- Why, yes, of course, madam.
After all, we are citizens of Gotham City.
Heaven knows Batman has done enough for all of us in the past.
Oh, more than enough.
But what can we do if Batman himself couldn't stop it? Well, we must try and think of something.
Oh, I wish Bruce were here.
I'm sure he could think of something.
I'm not at all sure that he could.
- I take it you're the best man? -Yes.
It's time for the groom.
In case you've forgotten the ring, Batman, I have six extras.
I made a bargain and I'll stick to it.
Anything is better than to let Robin go through life the way he is.
It's natural to be a little nervous, darling.
Everyone is, the first time.
Robin had better be all right.
Oh, he's perfectly safe as long as you cooperate.
By the way, have you decided where we're going to spend our honeymoon? Not a very cheerful groom, are you? I'll be perfectly happy to spend my honeymoon in the Batcave.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today NARRATOR".
Batman, to become a henpecked husband? And Mrs.
Batman, Gotham City's arch-criminals? Do you, Marsha, take this Batman to be your lawful wedded husband? To love, honor, and obey as long as you both shall live? I do.
And do you, Batman, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife? To love, honor, and cherish as long as you shall live? I.
-I -Say, "I do.
" l.