Batman (1966) s02e37 Episode Script
The Zodiac Crimes (1)
NARRATOR".
High noon in Gotham City on a day when the number 12 is to become an evil omen for all good citizens.
Very good, Chief O'Hara.
Impressive.
Part of our new scientific crime-fighting program, commissioner.
It shows every art treasure in Gotham City so we can check them out at a moment's notice.
With this map and improved criminal procedures we should be well on our way to putting Gotham City's criminals behind bars.
Never mind the bars, look to the stars.
Not to mention Venus and Mars.
Ha-ha-ha! Mother McGinty, it's Joker.
In police headquarters? The nerve.
Naughty, naughty, commissioner.
Let's keep your blue-coated buffoons outside.
What do you want here, Joker? Just passing the time.
As I did all those months in prison after those caped cabbageheads were lucky enough to apprehend me.
Luck had nothing to do with it, Joker.
Your warped criminal mind is no match for the wits of Batman and Robin.
They'll outsmart you every time.
A stroke of luck, I tell you.
Agh.
Well, in any event, I used my free time to cultivate a new hobby.
Astrology, the science of the stars the science of the future.
Ha-ha-ha.
Woo! Ha-ha-ha! Mustn't touch, chief.
Oh, ho.
My, what slow learners.
Well, what have we here? This should go well with my star charts.
Now, enough of this foolery.
I've come to announce a new crime wave for Gotham City.
This is the first of the zodiac crimes.
Look for 11 more, and don't forget to keep score.
Venus, my dear.
Keep the stars out of your eyes, gentlemen.
Woo, ha-ha-ha! Going up, please.
Mother McGee, he's gone.
The nerve of the scoundrel.
I think it's very nice you decided to try out for the school band, Dick.
Don't you think so, Bruce? Yes, Aunt Harriet.
Very nice.
The Batphone, sir.
- What's that, Alfred? -it's the Bat-- That phone, sir.
I suggest you take it in the study.
I think maybe I'll practice my marching, Aunt Harriet.
- Yes, commissioner.
-I have bad news for you, Batman.
That master of maudlin mockery is back.
He just barged smack into this office.
We'll be right there.
The Joker again.
To the Batpoles.
Gosh, Bruce, it's like trying to get away from an octopus.
There it floated, in front of me nose.
Dancing back and forth.
I can imagine it looked quite mysterious, Chief O'Hara but the principle behind the mechanism is really quite simple.
By magnetizing a steel rod and using the polarity of the steel girders in this building Joker could have balanced the rod in midair by using a simple rheostat.
But what did he mean by all that talk about the stars? And the wave of 12 crimes he promised.
And why steal our official rare art map? He may be planning a crime for each sign of the zodiac.
Holy astronomy.
Aries, the Ram.
Taurus, the Bull.
Gemini, the Twins.
Virgo, the Virgin.
Libra, the Scales.
Scorpio, the Scorpion, et cetera, et cetera ad infinitum.
Ha.
Just as I thought.
A cleverly concealed two-way spy device.
You mean the Joker could be listening to us at this moment? JOKER".
Exactly, Boy Blunder.
Ha, ha.
- That's him.
- Speaking through my spy device which Batman detected as I expected.
Ha-ha-ha! But I warn you, Batman, I don't feel rejected with a fortune in treasure still unprotected.
However did you know the gadget was here, Batman? Simple matter of deduction, Chief O'Hara.
Joker would never come to this office simply to steal a rare art map.
Rare art map.
R-A-M .
Aries, the Ram, the first sign.
Gosh, Batman, you think he's already started? Whenever Joker's involved who knows when he started or what he started.
The caped crusaders don't know what's in store for them.
At long last, I'll have them out of my way permanently.
That's a long time, Joker.
The proceeds from my zodiac crimes will give me what I've always wanted.
Complete control of Gotham City.
Oh, yes.
The caped crusaders are now solidly star-crossed.
Venus.
Venus, will you stop bouncing? Your orders, Joker.
A larcenous mind in a limber body.
- We must stay trim.
-No.
Batman's no fool.
He's no match for me with the stars as my guide.
Oh, get the door, Mercury.
Freight shipment.
Collect.
- Two thousand four hundred fifty dollars.
-What? Just pay him, Mercury.
Quick, give me a hand with this.
Ha-ha-ha! Careful now.
Careful.
What's inside, Joker? Two thousand dollars is a lot of money.
Oh, this merchandise is worth $2000.
It's worth 200,000, you cheapskate.
At least you could have sent me a plane ticket.
We had to get you into Gotham City without anyone knowing about it, Pengy.
Especially Batman.
You better have something good cooked up for that caped creep.
Oh, don't you worry, Pengy.
The pot's being put on the fire right now, and Batman's in it.
Oh, you are a man after my own heart, Joker.
- Black, eh? -Black as pitch.
NARRATOR".
Meanwhile, the caped crusaders study a copy of the rare art map.
There are dozens of places the Joker could strike next.
And we're not even sure he'll use the map for his next crime.
I have a hunch that's Joker calling for me.
- May I, commissioner? -Oh, please.
Yeah.
- Batman speaking.
-A clue, caped curmudgeon.
Taurus, the Bull, is next on my show and you'll soon be singing a song of woe.
Taurus, the Bull.
Do you think it's a trick? I don't think it's a trick, Robin.
I don't think it's Taurus either.
A song of woe.
Gemini.
- The Twins? -Of course.
Sing a song of woe.
- I'm confused, Batman.
-Think, Chief O'Hara.
Gotham City's current singing sensations are two young minstrels called The Twins.
Let's go, Robin.
NARRATOR".
As in Joker's hideout, once more That's delicious.
Now, if my calculations are correct-- And my calculations are always correct.
Those masked muttonheads may have jumped to the wrong conclusion.
Right.
Are you sure you can handle this, Pengy? What? Those booted buttinskies are no match for the Penguin.
I'll slice them to slivers.
I'll pound them to pieces.
I'll dice them to driblets.
Now, as soon as Pengy jumps in, you cut out, Venus and join me you-know-where.
-Right, Joker.
Oh, let me at them.
I'll fix their hash and I'll grind them into masked meatballs.
Undoubtedly the Twins rehearsing for tonight's performance.
Perhaps another time might be more appropriate for that, Robin.
Oh, sorry.
You are The Twins? That's what the sign says, man.
How can we smooth your path? We came here to warn you.
Someone is after you.
Like, we know that, Wonder Boy.
We're referring to a criminal threat.
Joker.
Forget that canary, Batman.
You're up against the Black Bird of Prey.
Waugh, Waugh! Penguin.
There he goes, Robin.
After him.
We're off.
So long, dynamic dunderheads.
Enjoy your ride on the Joker's boom bug.
Well, now, so these here are them there fabulous Twins.
Oh, yes, sir.
Named for their identical size, cut and brilliance.
And they're only $250,000, for the pair.
Aw, get them for me, Daddy, huh? I always did like little purties.
Well, now, Bella-Mae Sue, if it is gonna pleasure you, why, sure.
Ha, ha.
Son, fetch over your guards.
I wanna walk these diamonds out of here safe-like.
Ha-ha-ha.
Of course, sir.
Uh, Pinkerton.
Burns.
These here the only policemen you got on the premises, sugar? Yes.
Just these two, but they're picked men.
Well, in that there case, I'll just fetch out my money.
- May I borrow your comb, Alfred? -Yes, sir.
So while Penguin was leading us on a wild-goose chase Joker was stealing the real Twins.
I'm afraid so, Robin.
But with the help of the Bat-analyst we should be back on Joker's trail.
Thanks to Venus' wig.
You know, Batman, she seemed like a nice girl in that costume.
I suspect she is a nice girl, down deep but she's fallen in with bad companions.
And who knows what her home life was like? Now, as soon as the Bat-analyzer determines the components of that wig we can trace it and then-- - We nail Joker.
-Aha.
Ah.
Yes.
The wig is 98 percent human hair backed up by the finest silk.
There's only one high-fashion shop in Gotham City that has this quality of coiffeur.
Harry's Hair Lair.
Harry and Bruce Wayne belong to the same golf club.
Perhaps Harry can supply the address we need.
And then under cover of darkness - Batman.
-ls Joker here? Venus how did a nice girl like you get mixed up in an ugly business like this? The Joker says I'm very useful.
He says I'm his right-hand girl.
Why don't you throw him over? What's he ever done besides get you into trouble? You mean rat on my friends? Criminals have no friends, Venus.
Help us get Joker and I'm sure the authorities will take that into account at your trial.
No, Batman.
I may be felonious, but I'm no fink.
I'm pleased to see that you have standards, Venus albeit unlawful ones.
However, in this case, your loyalty is misguided.
From your reaction, Venus, I would say that is no idle call.
- Hello? - Hello? Where's the Joker? Penguin.
He stepped out for a few moments.
May I take a message? Tell him everything's set for tonight.
Would you have any more details? He knows all the details.
And tell him I want a 50-50 split.
No fast ones.
Mm, Waugh.
Venus when two arch-criminals like Penguin and Joker combine their criminal talents people are likely to get hurt.
Innocent people.
Won't you help us, Venus? All right.
I'll do it for you, Batman.
I don't know what the Joker plans, but I do know where.
And I'll take you there.
You who have dreams If you act, they'll come true Joker didn't give you any hint as to what he planned? No, Batman.
All I know is that he's meeting the Penguin here.
If you have a soul and a spirit Stay here.
Come on, Robin.
- All right, Pengy, let her rip.
-Bombs away.
Waugh, waugh! Sounds like the Penguin.
- Look out, Robin.
- You're on target, Pengy.
- Hit them again.
Woo, hoo, hoo! -Waugh, Waugh, waugh! They crawl and they crawl to the floor And there's nothing in the world All right, tonsils, ransom time.
Let's go.
Help! I'm being kidnapped! - Police! -Ah, ha-ha-ha! - Let's go, Venus.
-No.
- Come on, Venus.
-No.
I said come on.
Joker, don't leave me.
Come back, you fish-headed fink.
So it is Penguin.
- What are you doing out of prison? -I needed a little change of air.
- You think you'll get it helping the Joker? -Oh, that pasty-faced felon ran out on me.
There's never honor among thieves, Penguin.
You, of all people, should know that.
Well, at least I helped him make fools of you two.
He got the Lion and the Crab in one fell swoop.
Holy terminology, Batman.
He's right.
Leo Crustash.
Leo, the Lion and crustacean for the Crab.
Joker did get the Lion and the Crab, but we have Penguin.
That should make Warden Crichton quite happy.
Waugh! Waugh, waugh, waugh.
A picture of the Virgin Bereaved one of Gotham City's most valuable art treasures.
Worth nearly a cool million, according to experts.
And most certainly, Joker's next target.
It's the only item on this map that even resembles Virgo, the Virgin.
Virgo, the next sign on the Joker's criminal zodiac.
It's time for us to make a horoscope, Robin.
I predict that within the hour, Joker will be at the museum.
And I predict we'll be waiting for him.
It's been quite an evening so far, but, uh, boy, will he see stars.
Every guard's been alerted to let Joker in but not out.
Gosh, this is sure a good place for his total eclipse.
-Mm.
Well met by moonlight, Batman.
As per my calculations on my terms and at my convenience.
- Ha-ha-ha.
-The odds are all even, Joker.
Two against two.
Even, my erroneous urchin? Let me cast you a horoscope.
Instead of two, you'll discover seven about to give you a free trip to heaven.
Ha, ha.
First class fencing, Batman.
Ha-ha-ha.
Sorry.
- For what? -My unexpected ally.
Venus unobserved.
Throw it, you ninny.
- Throw it.
-Sorry, caped crusaders.
The stars demand a sacrifice.
To the altar of the sun.
Comfy, boys'? Couldn't we call it off, Joker? Mercy to a brave foe and all that? You're losing your nerve, Venus, which is a shame.
But you're also losing your senses, which is criminal.
Hold her.
Batman, I realize right now, I've made a terrible mistake.
Repentance is better late than never.
Ew.
You're making me ill.
Ugh! Now I must cancel your horoscopes, caped crusaders.
The moment of occlusion is at hand.
Ha, ha.
Look up.
A century ago, that stone dropped from the heavens.
At dawn, it will fall again onto your heads.
Ha-ha-ha! Mercury, the thermite.
- Fiend! -Yes.
I'll set that miniature solar system in motion with a thermite bomb attached to the planet Saturn.
When it comes around, the thermite will burn through the cable depositing the meteorite onto your dunderheads.
Bring her along.
She'll recover her criminal senses.
Ha, ha! Goodbye, dynamic duo.
I predict a falling out.
High noon in Gotham City on a day when the number 12 is to become an evil omen for all good citizens.
Very good, Chief O'Hara.
Impressive.
Part of our new scientific crime-fighting program, commissioner.
It shows every art treasure in Gotham City so we can check them out at a moment's notice.
With this map and improved criminal procedures we should be well on our way to putting Gotham City's criminals behind bars.
Never mind the bars, look to the stars.
Not to mention Venus and Mars.
Ha-ha-ha! Mother McGinty, it's Joker.
In police headquarters? The nerve.
Naughty, naughty, commissioner.
Let's keep your blue-coated buffoons outside.
What do you want here, Joker? Just passing the time.
As I did all those months in prison after those caped cabbageheads were lucky enough to apprehend me.
Luck had nothing to do with it, Joker.
Your warped criminal mind is no match for the wits of Batman and Robin.
They'll outsmart you every time.
A stroke of luck, I tell you.
Agh.
Well, in any event, I used my free time to cultivate a new hobby.
Astrology, the science of the stars the science of the future.
Ha-ha-ha.
Woo! Ha-ha-ha! Mustn't touch, chief.
Oh, ho.
My, what slow learners.
Well, what have we here? This should go well with my star charts.
Now, enough of this foolery.
I've come to announce a new crime wave for Gotham City.
This is the first of the zodiac crimes.
Look for 11 more, and don't forget to keep score.
Venus, my dear.
Keep the stars out of your eyes, gentlemen.
Woo, ha-ha-ha! Going up, please.
Mother McGee, he's gone.
The nerve of the scoundrel.
I think it's very nice you decided to try out for the school band, Dick.
Don't you think so, Bruce? Yes, Aunt Harriet.
Very nice.
The Batphone, sir.
- What's that, Alfred? -it's the Bat-- That phone, sir.
I suggest you take it in the study.
I think maybe I'll practice my marching, Aunt Harriet.
- Yes, commissioner.
-I have bad news for you, Batman.
That master of maudlin mockery is back.
He just barged smack into this office.
We'll be right there.
The Joker again.
To the Batpoles.
Gosh, Bruce, it's like trying to get away from an octopus.
There it floated, in front of me nose.
Dancing back and forth.
I can imagine it looked quite mysterious, Chief O'Hara but the principle behind the mechanism is really quite simple.
By magnetizing a steel rod and using the polarity of the steel girders in this building Joker could have balanced the rod in midair by using a simple rheostat.
But what did he mean by all that talk about the stars? And the wave of 12 crimes he promised.
And why steal our official rare art map? He may be planning a crime for each sign of the zodiac.
Holy astronomy.
Aries, the Ram.
Taurus, the Bull.
Gemini, the Twins.
Virgo, the Virgin.
Libra, the Scales.
Scorpio, the Scorpion, et cetera, et cetera ad infinitum.
Ha.
Just as I thought.
A cleverly concealed two-way spy device.
You mean the Joker could be listening to us at this moment? JOKER".
Exactly, Boy Blunder.
Ha, ha.
- That's him.
- Speaking through my spy device which Batman detected as I expected.
Ha-ha-ha! But I warn you, Batman, I don't feel rejected with a fortune in treasure still unprotected.
However did you know the gadget was here, Batman? Simple matter of deduction, Chief O'Hara.
Joker would never come to this office simply to steal a rare art map.
Rare art map.
R-A-M .
Aries, the Ram, the first sign.
Gosh, Batman, you think he's already started? Whenever Joker's involved who knows when he started or what he started.
The caped crusaders don't know what's in store for them.
At long last, I'll have them out of my way permanently.
That's a long time, Joker.
The proceeds from my zodiac crimes will give me what I've always wanted.
Complete control of Gotham City.
Oh, yes.
The caped crusaders are now solidly star-crossed.
Venus.
Venus, will you stop bouncing? Your orders, Joker.
A larcenous mind in a limber body.
- We must stay trim.
-No.
Batman's no fool.
He's no match for me with the stars as my guide.
Oh, get the door, Mercury.
Freight shipment.
Collect.
- Two thousand four hundred fifty dollars.
-What? Just pay him, Mercury.
Quick, give me a hand with this.
Ha-ha-ha! Careful now.
Careful.
What's inside, Joker? Two thousand dollars is a lot of money.
Oh, this merchandise is worth $2000.
It's worth 200,000, you cheapskate.
At least you could have sent me a plane ticket.
We had to get you into Gotham City without anyone knowing about it, Pengy.
Especially Batman.
You better have something good cooked up for that caped creep.
Oh, don't you worry, Pengy.
The pot's being put on the fire right now, and Batman's in it.
Oh, you are a man after my own heart, Joker.
- Black, eh? -Black as pitch.
NARRATOR".
Meanwhile, the caped crusaders study a copy of the rare art map.
There are dozens of places the Joker could strike next.
And we're not even sure he'll use the map for his next crime.
I have a hunch that's Joker calling for me.
- May I, commissioner? -Oh, please.
Yeah.
- Batman speaking.
-A clue, caped curmudgeon.
Taurus, the Bull, is next on my show and you'll soon be singing a song of woe.
Taurus, the Bull.
Do you think it's a trick? I don't think it's a trick, Robin.
I don't think it's Taurus either.
A song of woe.
Gemini.
- The Twins? -Of course.
Sing a song of woe.
- I'm confused, Batman.
-Think, Chief O'Hara.
Gotham City's current singing sensations are two young minstrels called The Twins.
Let's go, Robin.
NARRATOR".
As in Joker's hideout, once more That's delicious.
Now, if my calculations are correct-- And my calculations are always correct.
Those masked muttonheads may have jumped to the wrong conclusion.
Right.
Are you sure you can handle this, Pengy? What? Those booted buttinskies are no match for the Penguin.
I'll slice them to slivers.
I'll pound them to pieces.
I'll dice them to driblets.
Now, as soon as Pengy jumps in, you cut out, Venus and join me you-know-where.
-Right, Joker.
Oh, let me at them.
I'll fix their hash and I'll grind them into masked meatballs.
Undoubtedly the Twins rehearsing for tonight's performance.
Perhaps another time might be more appropriate for that, Robin.
Oh, sorry.
You are The Twins? That's what the sign says, man.
How can we smooth your path? We came here to warn you.
Someone is after you.
Like, we know that, Wonder Boy.
We're referring to a criminal threat.
Joker.
Forget that canary, Batman.
You're up against the Black Bird of Prey.
Waugh, Waugh! Penguin.
There he goes, Robin.
After him.
We're off.
So long, dynamic dunderheads.
Enjoy your ride on the Joker's boom bug.
Well, now, so these here are them there fabulous Twins.
Oh, yes, sir.
Named for their identical size, cut and brilliance.
And they're only $250,000, for the pair.
Aw, get them for me, Daddy, huh? I always did like little purties.
Well, now, Bella-Mae Sue, if it is gonna pleasure you, why, sure.
Ha, ha.
Son, fetch over your guards.
I wanna walk these diamonds out of here safe-like.
Ha-ha-ha.
Of course, sir.
Uh, Pinkerton.
Burns.
These here the only policemen you got on the premises, sugar? Yes.
Just these two, but they're picked men.
Well, in that there case, I'll just fetch out my money.
- May I borrow your comb, Alfred? -Yes, sir.
So while Penguin was leading us on a wild-goose chase Joker was stealing the real Twins.
I'm afraid so, Robin.
But with the help of the Bat-analyst we should be back on Joker's trail.
Thanks to Venus' wig.
You know, Batman, she seemed like a nice girl in that costume.
I suspect she is a nice girl, down deep but she's fallen in with bad companions.
And who knows what her home life was like? Now, as soon as the Bat-analyzer determines the components of that wig we can trace it and then-- - We nail Joker.
-Aha.
Ah.
Yes.
The wig is 98 percent human hair backed up by the finest silk.
There's only one high-fashion shop in Gotham City that has this quality of coiffeur.
Harry's Hair Lair.
Harry and Bruce Wayne belong to the same golf club.
Perhaps Harry can supply the address we need.
And then under cover of darkness - Batman.
-ls Joker here? Venus how did a nice girl like you get mixed up in an ugly business like this? The Joker says I'm very useful.
He says I'm his right-hand girl.
Why don't you throw him over? What's he ever done besides get you into trouble? You mean rat on my friends? Criminals have no friends, Venus.
Help us get Joker and I'm sure the authorities will take that into account at your trial.
No, Batman.
I may be felonious, but I'm no fink.
I'm pleased to see that you have standards, Venus albeit unlawful ones.
However, in this case, your loyalty is misguided.
From your reaction, Venus, I would say that is no idle call.
- Hello? - Hello? Where's the Joker? Penguin.
He stepped out for a few moments.
May I take a message? Tell him everything's set for tonight.
Would you have any more details? He knows all the details.
And tell him I want a 50-50 split.
No fast ones.
Mm, Waugh.
Venus when two arch-criminals like Penguin and Joker combine their criminal talents people are likely to get hurt.
Innocent people.
Won't you help us, Venus? All right.
I'll do it for you, Batman.
I don't know what the Joker plans, but I do know where.
And I'll take you there.
You who have dreams If you act, they'll come true Joker didn't give you any hint as to what he planned? No, Batman.
All I know is that he's meeting the Penguin here.
If you have a soul and a spirit Stay here.
Come on, Robin.
- All right, Pengy, let her rip.
-Bombs away.
Waugh, waugh! Sounds like the Penguin.
- Look out, Robin.
- You're on target, Pengy.
- Hit them again.
Woo, hoo, hoo! -Waugh, Waugh, waugh! They crawl and they crawl to the floor And there's nothing in the world All right, tonsils, ransom time.
Let's go.
Help! I'm being kidnapped! - Police! -Ah, ha-ha-ha! - Let's go, Venus.
-No.
- Come on, Venus.
-No.
I said come on.
Joker, don't leave me.
Come back, you fish-headed fink.
So it is Penguin.
- What are you doing out of prison? -I needed a little change of air.
- You think you'll get it helping the Joker? -Oh, that pasty-faced felon ran out on me.
There's never honor among thieves, Penguin.
You, of all people, should know that.
Well, at least I helped him make fools of you two.
He got the Lion and the Crab in one fell swoop.
Holy terminology, Batman.
He's right.
Leo Crustash.
Leo, the Lion and crustacean for the Crab.
Joker did get the Lion and the Crab, but we have Penguin.
That should make Warden Crichton quite happy.
Waugh! Waugh, waugh, waugh.
A picture of the Virgin Bereaved one of Gotham City's most valuable art treasures.
Worth nearly a cool million, according to experts.
And most certainly, Joker's next target.
It's the only item on this map that even resembles Virgo, the Virgin.
Virgo, the next sign on the Joker's criminal zodiac.
It's time for us to make a horoscope, Robin.
I predict that within the hour, Joker will be at the museum.
And I predict we'll be waiting for him.
It's been quite an evening so far, but, uh, boy, will he see stars.
Every guard's been alerted to let Joker in but not out.
Gosh, this is sure a good place for his total eclipse.
-Mm.
Well met by moonlight, Batman.
As per my calculations on my terms and at my convenience.
- Ha-ha-ha.
-The odds are all even, Joker.
Two against two.
Even, my erroneous urchin? Let me cast you a horoscope.
Instead of two, you'll discover seven about to give you a free trip to heaven.
Ha, ha.
First class fencing, Batman.
Ha-ha-ha.
Sorry.
- For what? -My unexpected ally.
Venus unobserved.
Throw it, you ninny.
- Throw it.
-Sorry, caped crusaders.
The stars demand a sacrifice.
To the altar of the sun.
Comfy, boys'? Couldn't we call it off, Joker? Mercy to a brave foe and all that? You're losing your nerve, Venus, which is a shame.
But you're also losing your senses, which is criminal.
Hold her.
Batman, I realize right now, I've made a terrible mistake.
Repentance is better late than never.
Ew.
You're making me ill.
Ugh! Now I must cancel your horoscopes, caped crusaders.
The moment of occlusion is at hand.
Ha, ha.
Look up.
A century ago, that stone dropped from the heavens.
At dawn, it will fall again onto your heads.
Ha-ha-ha! Mercury, the thermite.
- Fiend! -Yes.
I'll set that miniature solar system in motion with a thermite bomb attached to the planet Saturn.
When it comes around, the thermite will burn through the cable depositing the meteorite onto your dunderheads.
Bring her along.
She'll recover her criminal senses.
Ha, ha! Goodbye, dynamic duo.
I predict a falling out.