Batman (1966) s02e39 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
We last left the Dynamic Duo and lovely Venus in a shallow pool where a giant clam had just swallowed Robin.
A gruesome joke on the Joker's part.
But now, will Venus, or maybe Batman himself provide the clam with its next course? We'll see in short order.
It's hopeless, Batman.
Hopeless.
Robin's being swallowed whole and we'll be next.
He isn't being swallowed whole, Venus.
I can still see a piece of his boot.
Holy human pearls, Batman.
Correction, Robin.
Pearls come from oysters.
You came out of that clam.
Ugh! I sure did.
But how'd you get me out? He pried the clam open with his bare hands and then he unchained me.
How'd you break your chain, Batman? Every man has his own unknown inner strength at a time of crisis, Robin.
I'm sure had the situations been reversed, you would've found your strength.
But now we must get to the Batcave.
But what to do about Venus? I know.
I can borrow my friend Bruce Wayne's midtown apartment.
Sure, Batman.
He hardly ever uses it.
Then I'm still part of the team? After what we've all just been through, of course you are, Venus.
And I'm sure you can help us track down Joker.
Of course, you'll have to stand trial for your earlier misdeeds.
As should any citizen who breaks the law, Batman.
Where are Uranus and Mars? They should have completed Operation Laundry Bag by now.
Maybe they ran into some trouble with the prison guards.
They better not.
Operation Laundry Bag must be successful in order for me to complete Aquarius and Capricorn.
The final two crimes of my zodiac.
Ha, ha.
They're here.
Yeah.
Well, where is he? In the bag.
- Stupid.
Why didn't you let him out? -We didn't have a chance.
Warden Crichton's boys chased us all the way from the prison.
- We barely managed to ditch them.
-Well, quick, help me get him out.
Waugh, Waugh, waugh.
You dolts.
You buffoons.
I might have suffocated.
- I'm sorry, Pengy.
I didn't mean to-- -"Pengy"? Mr.
Penguin to you, sir.
Numskull, get Penguin's clothes for him.
Hurry.
Get my clothes for me? I've got them on.
Oh, so you do.
For a minute I thought those were prison issue.
Prisonissue? This sartorial triumph a prison issue? Well, sometime I'll give you the name of my tailor.
Sometime I'll give you a piece of my mind.
Like right now.
I don't have any other clothes for him, Joker.
But-- But I got news for you.
Saturn called from the other hideout.
Venus and the Caped Crusaders are gone.
Well, of course they're gone.
The clam made a good meal out of them.
Ha-ha-ha! The Batmobile's gone too, from outside.
The clam could haven't eaten that.
Are you trying to tell me Batman, Robin and Venus could all have escaped my clam trap? Yeah, that's the way it looks from here, Joker.
Oh, Pengy.
Then I really need your help.
- To do what? -To terminate Batman once and for all.
While I conclude my Zodiac Crimes.
Now you're talking.
Together to the end, Jokey.
Batman's end.
Let's try to anticipate his next crime.
Which no doubt will concern itself with Aquarius.
The water bearer.
But what could that be? If you take it literally, of course it could mean the entire Gotham City water system.
But he's tried once before.
And we foiled him, remember? Yes.
With Alfred's help.
But maybe this time he's aiming higher.
Maybe he has some mad scheme for stealing the entire Gotham City water system.
Stealing the entire Gotham City's water system? It's magnificent, Joker.
How are you gonna do it? Well, if you make something unusable, it's just as good as stealing it.
Well, if you mean polluting the water, that didn't work before.
Ah, but this time I have a much more sophisticated plan in mind.
Joker-Jelly.
Concentrated strawberry gelatin powerful enough to change all the water into strawberry jelly.
It's very ingenious, Joker.
A crime almost as good as one of mine.
One of yours? Those piddly escapades? Ha, ha! "Ha" yourself, you cornball crook.
- Why, you waddling little pip-squeak.
-You gap-toothed goon.
- How dare you? -Agh! - Let me at him.
You long-nosed fish eater.
-Waugh! - How dare you say--? -Huh? What are we doing? We should be fighting Batman, not each other.
You're right.
For once.
- What's the caper? -Well, my Aquarius crime is all set, Pengy.
But I need help with Capricorn, my twelfth and final crime.
Capricorn, the goat? What is it? "Who is it?" - I don't know.
Batman? -Right.
Batman's the goat, and we're going to get him.
Wonderful, wonderful.
How do we do it? Ah, by using that suave Penguin charm to captivate a beautiful girl.
Magnificent, magnificent.
- Who is she? Where is she? Where is she? -She's my former associate, Venus.
And right now she's in Bruce Wayne's midtown apartment where my satellites traced her by means of a homing device I concealed in her shoe.
Oh, I'll sweep her off her feet.
I'll charm the stars into her eyes.
Women of America, beware.
Don Juan Penguin is on the loose.
NARRATOR".
And so while the Penguin prepares for his romantic task the joker is busy at the Gotham City Reservoir.
Oh, this is a delicious spot.
Let the Gotham City-ites try to get this stuff out of their spigots.
- Yeah.
-Just think, Mars.
You turn on the faucet and out comes strawberry jelly.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
You know, if you got a sink full of biscuits.
Holy jelly molds.
It looks like strawberry jelly.
But it tastes like strawberry axle grease.
So in his warped way, Joker has stolen the water supply.
You think this stuff is coming out of all the faucets in Gotham City? Knowing Joker, I'd bet on it.
We'll have to use the Batcopter, Robin.
It has the portable Batlab in it.
To the Gotham City Reservoir.
NARRATOR".
And while the Dynamic Duo are rushing to the reservoir Gotham City has gone dry as a bone.
Oh, Danny boy The pipes, the-- Mother machree.
I'll lay odds the Joker's behind this.
We'll try the sulfide reagents first, Robin.
We'd better hit it pretty soon, Batman, or there'll be a lot of thirsty Gothamites.
Worse than that, Robin, if a fire should break out the fire department would have no way of putting it out.
Holy holocaust.
I forgot all about that.
That'll be the commissioner trying to get us on the Batphone in the portable Batlab.
Lucky for us, we had mobile-phone Bat-plugs installed in our utility belts.
- Yes, commissioner.
-Where are you, Batman? At the reservoir, commissioner.
So that's how he did it.
Well, we've got more than just that mess on our hands.
The Joker sent word to me that he wants $10 million to de-gelatinize the water supply.
Don't pay it, commissioner.
The Joker's used a very complex formula.
It'll take time to analyze it, but we will.
Don't you worry about that.
That's what I wanted to hear, Batman.
NARRATOR".
Meanwhile, in Bruce Wayne's midtown apartment a lonely Venus receives gifts from an ardent admirer.
-It's so sweet of Batman to send me flowers.
-Batman? Those are no flowers from a bat-eared buffoon.
Those are from a mature admirer.
Your suitor.
Mm! Oh, you ravishing rose of womanhood.
Waugh, waugh.
- Oh, Penguin.
Oh, uh-- -Mm.
I'm going straight now.
So whatever you want, it's no go.
What? I want absolutely nothing except to pay tribute to your beauty and your charm and your gaiety and your wit.
And to that end I have brought you another little token of my admiration.
Token! This is a bit of Surplice Number Six, my little tulip.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, this is the most expensive perfume in the whole world.
That's right.
It costs $1000 an ounce.
Tut-tut, that is nothing, my little daffodil.
Now put it down and sit on the sofa.
Shall we, my fragile orchid, huh? Oh, you're beautiful.
You're beautiful, beautiful.
Drapes.
Oh, heh.
Pengy, it's dark.
We'll remedy that, my glorious gardenia.
Candles.
Bring me candles.
I, uh, think I'd rather have the drapes open, Pengy.
What? When candlelight does so much for your eyes? No.
Tell me, my heavenly hyacinth, when is the last time you had a good, uh drink of water? Drink of water? Oh, you can't get any water.
Nothing comes out of the faucets but strawberry jelly.
I guess that's how rich millionaires live.
And you're probably thirsty, eh? Champagne.
You'll have some champagne, my little buttercup, won't you? You'll have some champagne, huh? I really don't think that I should, Pengy.
Why? You want to die of dehydrophalia? - What's that? -Well, that's the loss of precious bodily fluids due to a lack of liquid in the tissues.
- It sounds terrible.
-Drink up, my dear.
Drink up.
Waugh, Waugh, waugh.
Some here.
Some here.
Waugh! Drink it up, my dear.
Save yourself from sin.
That's it, Robin.
Now hand me the special exploding Batarang.
Right here, Batman.
We'll pour the de-gelatinizing agent into the special exploding Batarang set the timing fuse for three seconds and That did it, Batman.
Before I met you, my sprig of mint, I thought of nothing but crime.
Now I want to turn over a new leaf.
But there's one little problem.
- What? -My criminal record locked in the Batcave.
And until that is destroyed, I can never feel like an honest man.
Why don't you ask Batman to--? Batman? He'd never believe that I've gone straight.
No, only you have faith in me, my alluring azalea.
Only you can wipe out my past.
Help me start anew.
- But I can't get into the Batcave.
-Of course you can.
You ask Batman to take you there, my lovely lady slipper.
And then you slip out my card from the Batcomputer and I'll be able to start new.
My head's spinning from the champagne.
I wish I knew whether to believe you or not, Pengy.
Believe me, my sweet honeysuckle.
I speak from the heart.
I know it's a big thing to ask, Batman but I've always dreamed of seeing the Batcave and Oh, I'm sorry.
After all, I guess there is really no reason you should trust me when I was on the other side not very long ago.
I trust you, Venus.
Then you'll take me? All right, Venus.
We'll show you the Batcave.
Your decision to lead an honest life was difficult and dangerous.
Consider this your reward.
Oh, Batman.
I'll have to give you a whiff of Bat-gas before we leave, Venus.
Bat-gas? Yes.
We can permit you see the inside of the Batcave, but not the outside.
We can't let you or anyone else know it's location.
Then when you're in the Batcave, we'll give you an another whiff.
Bat-awake.
Completely harmless.
Whatever you say, Batman.
Oh! It's fabulous.
It's a place to hang our cowls.
- Well, what's that thing over there? -That's the Batcomputer.
And over here is the Bat-spectrograph Criminal Analyzer.
And that is our Bat-radar.
And over here is the Penguin.
And over here is the Joker.
Ha-ha-ha! Plus, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, Neptune, Uranus and Saturn.
Penguin, you lied to me.
Not a bit.
I will feel like a new man with Batman and Robin squashed like beetles.
Ha-ha-ha! - Why, you-- Stay where you are, unpleasant adolescent.
One pull of this trigger and this deadly umbrella gun will fry you to a fritter.
It's all my fault, Batman.
I thought I was helping Penguin reform.
Oh, how could I have been so stupid? He's fooled much shrewder people than you, Venus.
But the results are superb, Venus, my flower.
With the Dynamic Duo destroyed, the Batcave will be converted into the headquarters for the criminals of Gotham City.
Just think of it, Joker.
Never again will we be bothered by any all this Bat paraphernalia.
Yes, I'm thinking of it, Pengy.
I'm thinking of it.
Lives of uninterrupted crime.
What was that? Merely the Bat-spectrograph Criminal Analyzer, Penguin.
Completed just this week.
In that brief second, it recorded your bone structure metabolism rate, molecular blood structure, retina patterns and other scientific data that may prove invaluable in the future.
But it only works at close range, and is much too large to move.
So I had to bring you both in here in order to utilize it.
You knew they were in the trunk? No crime fighter worth his salt wouldn't have known, Venus.
Well, your Bat-spectro junk heap isn't gonna do you any good where you're going, Batman.
Let them have it, Pengy.
It doesn't work.
No, it doesn't work, Penguin.
The negative ion attractor which I placed in the trunk depleted its power source during the time you were inside.
- Shall we, Robin? -Let's, Batman.
Waugh! Aah! Aah! Waugh! Waugh, waugh, waugh.
You caught us, Batman.
But your crime-fighting days are over, because we've seen the Batcave.
The inside, not the outside, Joker.
So what? So we don't know where the Batcave is, you backward eel.
Well, why didn't you think of taking a look on the outside, you dolt? Why, you cornball crook.
- Why, you whiny little pip-squeak.
-You crazy totem pole.
Why, you long-nosed-- - You knew what Batman would-- Enough.
Enough.
Enough.
Enough, gentlemen.
I think a little whiff of Bat-gas should calm you down nicely.
Just breathe normally.
Waugh, Waugh, waugh Holy gambles, Batman.
What if they had opened the trunk on the way here? They couldn't have, Robin.
I have the Emergency Bat-trunk Lock on during the trip.
Oh, Batman.
I don't know what to say.
Well, don't say anything, Venus.
After all, you did help us catch Joker.
His scheme to use you turned out to be a trap for himself and Penguin.
And his slithery stooges.
Listen, Bruce.
Your horoscope for tomorrow.
"Prospects most favorable.
The positions of Mercury and Mars which might have been threatening, have changed.
And Venus is in the ascendancy.
" Oh, my, isn't that nice? That's very nice, Aunt Harriet.
And here's yours, Dick.
"A very pleasant day.
Satellites no longer pose a threat.
Fun in store with family.
" Oh, I'm just so glad.
With all the strange things that have been happening recently.
I thought we'd been leading well-ordered lives, Aunt Harriet.
Oh, I mean all over Gotham City.
All that icky goo in the water supply and the terrible time Batman and Robin have been having.
Don't listen to idle rumor, Aunt Harriet.
Oh, I know I shouldn't.
But someone told me that both the Joker and the Penguin were after Batman and Robin almost got eaten alive by a giant clam.
How could one little clam eat a boy his size? It does sound a little farfetched, doesn't it? Dinner is served.
About time, Alfred.
What are we having? We begin with your favorite, Master Dick.
Clam chowder.
Clam chowder? Isn't that a coincidence.
Chin up, old churn.
It's one way of getting even.