Batman (1966) s02e43 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
When last we saw the Dynamic Duo they were in the Penguin's catapult about to be launched over Gotham City and land like a pair of squashed tomatoes with Penguin's cameras set to record their horrible death.
We'll be back in 60 seconds with the smashing climax.
Holy cliffhangers, Batman.
Aren't you even gonna try to get loose? - What's the cube root of pi? -The cube root of pi? At a time like this? Never mind, I just remembered it.
What are you doing? We're about to be launched all the way across Gotham City.
Exactly, Robin.
I'm computing our trajectory.
According to my computations, we should land about 30 yards south of the intersection of Mulberry and 7th Streets.
And they'll need a blotter to soak up our remains.
As you'll recall, Robin I spent last week testing the remote control unit of the Batmobile.
- You have that gadget strapped to your wrist? - Fortunately, yes.
And we're about to give it the acid test.
I've started it.
Now to program it to proceed to Mulberry and 7th Streets.
Thirty yards south.
Hurry, Batman.
In a few seconds, we'll be in midair.
That's it, Robin.
Now, let's hope the Batmobile will get there before we do.
Holy suborbit, Batman.
It's raining down there.
All that time we spent on the remote-control activator really reaped dividends, Robin.
I'll say.
Remind me to give the Batmobile an extra quart of oil next time we change it.
And now we have to get our hands on a certain oily bird.
We should see Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara at once.
The nerve of that vulture.
We'll catapult him right behind bars where he belongs.
We'll put him there eventually, Chief O'Hara, but not just yet.
Not yet? When he tried to smash the two of you like a pair of ripe tomatoes? Unfortunately, he still has the museum's priceless chain-mail armor made in the 15th century by the great Benvenuto Violini out of a special alloy he also invented.
Batman is right, Chief O'Hara.
If we put Penguin behind bars now, we'll never see that armor again.
- And it could be hidden in a thousand places.
-How are we going to find it? I'm not so sure that stealing the armor is Penguin's overall plan, commissioner.
It could be just a side caper.
I think the first step might be for Robin and me to resume our acting careers.
You mean back to "lights, camera, action"? Exactly, Robin.
That way we can get a clue as to where Penguin's stashed the armor.
Sure and he'll be suspicious, Batman.
I hope he is, Chief O'Hara.
Suspicion often provides surprises.
And so my Caped Canaries, you have survived your little flight through space and now you would like to rejoin my film company, huh? Quack! What do you take me for, a fool? We're willing to forgive and forget, Penguin, and help you finish the film.
You don't fool me, Dynamic Double-Talker.
There's some hideously honest motive behind all this.
You're trying to trick me, huh? Quack! Out of my office, quick.
Out.
Out.
I'm sorry you feel that way, Penguin.
If you're not out of my office in 10 seconds, I'll call my bouncers.
Then you'll really know how I feel.
Out.
Move, move.
And keep moving, you Cupcake Crusaders.
You Dynamic Dingbats.
Move! And stay out.
This is terrible, Robin.
I don't know what I'll do now.
- You'll get over it, Batman.
-No, I won't old chum.
I've been bitten by the bug.
- Show biz? -Yes.
Yes, it's in my blood now.
I wanna get back in front of those cameras.
I wanna see my name in lights.
"Batman.
" Headlines in the movie trade papers.
Big premieres.
Academy Awards.
I'm afraid I've got it bad, Robin baby.
The smell of the greasepaint, the roar of the crowd.
I'd do anything to get back in front of those cameras.
Quack.
Oh, the Batman has show business in his blood, huh? A beautiful chance to bake those two pigeons in a Penguin pie.
Now, watch things, Mac.
I've changed my mind, Batman.
I've decided you can act in my film after all.
- You'll never know how much I appreciate this.
-it's nothing.
I was once a struggling young actor myself.
Now, he's the second part of the script.
Look it over, carefully.
- Penguin? -Uh-huh? - I'll never forget this.
- I'll say you won't.
NARRATOR".
Meanwhile, in an isolated section of Gotham Central Park Marsha and her aunt Hilda are looking for elderly toads for Aunt Hilda's evil potion.
Aunt Hilda, what's wrong with that one? He's too young, dearie.
My potion requires a very old toad.
How can you tell their age, anyway? There are ways, dearie.
There are ways.
Well, how long are we going to have to wait? Last time I waited two weeks.
Oh, that's just dandy.
Have you ever considered knitting, dearie? Wonderful pastime.
Perhaps you should try and knit us a few old toads, darling.
Great acting job, Batman.
You could run for senator.
Or governor.
Thank you, Robin.
Who knows, perhaps I do have a little touch of show business in my blood.
Holy history.
Penguin's gone from Rome to the Middle Ages.
The second part of his script is set in medieval England.
It doesn't surprise me, Robin.
The criminal mind is characteristically erratic and unstable.
And gullible.
He fell for that act of yours hook, line and sinker.
Needless to say, old chum, I don't like having to resort to such mendacity.
But considering the circumstances, I think it was justified.
And considering we still don't know his plan.
Precisely.
Heh, heh, that's right, Batman.
You stick with me, I'll make a star out of you.
Don't worry, Penguin.
I'll stick with you, all right.
These suits of armor aren't part of the museum collection, are they? No, Robin, this is quite ordinary armor.
- Are we all set? -Ready when you give the word, Pengy.
Consider it given.
I sure don't like being in this thing.
I can hardly move.
Nor can I, Robin.
But we must make Penguin think we're cooperating.
At least until we get some hint as to where he's hidden the museum armor.
And this kind of risk is part of our job as crime fighters.
Batman and Robin, we're all ready.
Come here.
It's a magnet, Batman.
Try to wrench yourself free, Robin.
Don't bother, Batman.
That magnet has a 2-ton pull.
It'll take a locomotive to wrench you free.
You underhanded weasel.
Heh.
Thanks for the compliment, Boy Bigmouth.
All right, men, hoist away.
Well, Batman, you said you wanted to stick with me and I arranged to have you stuck.
I've also arranged to have you demolished later.
But right now I have a little appointment with General MacGruder at the Hexagon.
It seems the good general also has a yen to be a movie actor.
How would you like to see that priceless armor? Would you like that, huh? All right, front and forward.
There you are.
My own armored division.
Von Pengy's Blitzkrieg.
Just wait till I get through with those armchair generals at the Hexagon.
All right, men.
Forward march.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, quack.
One, two, three, quack, quack.
Holy catastrophes, Batman.
I'd sooner see the Russians in the Hexagon than Penguin.
We must stop him, Robin.
The Generals at the Hexagon are capable men, but they're trained in open warfare not the devious kind that Penguin practices.
See if you can find some kind of loose joint or fitting.
We must get out of these things.
The Army is always happy to cooperate with the motion-picture industry, Mr.
Penguin.
Always happy.
And the Penguin is always happy to cooperate with the Army, General MacGruder.
It's a pleasure, sir.
You, uh, did say that there might be a little part in the picture for me, huh? A little part, sir? For a man of your acting ability, there is a colossal part.
It is two lines longer than Hamlet, sir.
Hamlet? Well Then you do think I have some acting ability, huh? Oh, I think all generals do, sir.
I think it's part of their equipment, like, uh Like gills on a fish.
- Agreed? -True.
Of course, if I may say so, sir, I think you have far more than the average.
Ability, sir.
Not gills.
Ha-ha-ha.
I'm glad to hear you say that, Mr.
Penguin.
You see, I'm due to retire next year, and I-- Next year? Just a moment.
Would you turn your head to one side, please? - Huh? -Just turn your head, just a little, to one Oh, oh.
Mm.
Ah, there.
That is magnificent, that profile.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
I'm sure, sir, as an Army man you understand the importance of winning battles.
Well, in Hollywood, sir, a profile like yours is half the battle.
So when you retire, do not sign with anybody else.
Because Penguin Productions is prepared to offer you an exclusive five-year contract.
- Agreed? -You have my word on it, Mr.
Penguin.
Very good, sir.
And now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get on with my film.
I have a very tight shooting schedule, sir.
Major Beasley.
Yes, sir.
MacGRUDER: Mr.
Penguin is shooting a very important film.
I want you to give him your utmost cooperation.
Of course, sir.
Now, if you gentlemen have no objection, I'd like to shoot the first scene in Room X.
Room X.
Oh, but, sir, Room X is right-- - That chin.
-What? Did you see that chin, general? That is magnificent.
Ah? Ah? It works from either side.
Well, now, tell me, what--? - When do you retire, major? -In about five years, sir.
Why? I want you to promise me not to sign with any other producer.
Because Penguin Productions is willing to offer you an exclusive five-year contract.
Oh, my goodness.
Well I thought you said you were going to sign me to a five-year contract.
Did I say that, general? - Yes.
- I must be out of my mind.
We want you for a 10-year contract.
Now, about Room X.
I, uh, ahem think that might be arranged.
- Huh, major? -Hmm? - Oh, yes, sir.
Of course, sir.
I agree, sir.
-I knew it.
I knew the Army would never let me down.
Well, from the way you two gentlemen talked, I thought this room would be full of top secrets.
But it looks like a perfectly ordinary room to me.
Oh, it's quite ordinary, sir.
But Room X connects with Room Y.
And Room Y connects with Room Z.
And inside Room Z-- - Uh, I think that's enough, major.
-Yes, sir.
Sorry about that.
I'd better get this scene started.
Is it all right if I call my finks--? I mean, my crew in now? - Why, certainly.
Certainly, Mr.
Penguin.
-All right, crew, come on in.
- Why, I don't understand this, Mr.
Penguin.
-Sorry, general, that's show business.
All right, men, Room Z is the one we want.
Through that door.
- MacGRUDER: Stop! Stop! - Quack, quack, quack.
They're heading for Room Z.
Beasley, call the cavalry.
Sir, we haven't had any cavalry since 1910.
- Oh.
Well, call the Army.
-Yes-- Sir, we are the Army.
Well, get some men up here.
Don't just stand there.
Yes, sir.
Men.
Men.
Men! Room Z at last.
Watch the door, boys.
Now find the little item we want and we'll get out of here.
Here they are, boys.
Remember the Alamo, MacGruder.
Remember Custer-- No, no, let's forget Custer.
Remember Grant and Lee and Teddy Roosevelt charging up San Juan Hill.
That's it.
Remember Teddy Roosevelt.
Beasley, where are those men? Right here, sir.
Come on, men.
Hurry.
All right, men.
This is it.
Fix bayonets.
Now, we're going to charge up that hill-- Uh, through that door and capture the enemy.
All right, men? Charge.
Fire if you must, men, but protect your leader.
Their chain armor seems to be impervious to our lead.
After them, men.
Charge! Gosh, Batman, there are no chinks in this armor.
No.
But I happened to find a loose fastening, Robin.
- You mean you can get out of your suit? -No, Robin.
But remember, this magnet is powered by electricity.
Pfft.
What good does that do us? It depends on how good my aim is and whether someone left that empty lamp plugged in.
That's an impossible shot, Batman.
That's a negative attitude, Robin.
Holy bull's-eye, Batman.
Beautiful, Batman.
You shorted out the fuse box and cut off the power to the magnet.
No time to congratulate ourselves, Robin.
We must get down to the Hexagon.
In these things? We can't waste precious minutes getting out of them.
Shoot for their tires.
They got away, sir.
We have no choice, Beasley.
- Call the Air Force.
-Yes, sir.
Sir.
Sir, I think we may have something better than the Air Force.
The Dynamic Duo.
Thank heavens.
What are you doing in those suits of armor, Batman? -It's a long story, major.
-Never mind.
The Penguin penetrated Room Z and made off with-- With who knows what.
Whatever it is, we'll do our best to get it back.
They may not be the Air Force, major but they're the closest thing to it in Gotham City.
Yes, they are, sir.
Should we use the Batzooka, Batman? I don't think we'll need it, Robin.
As usual, Penguin has overlooked a vital fact.
That truck he's driving is too light to support all that armor.
One more high-speed turn, and I'm sure his tires will go.
Lucky we have heavy-duties on the Batmobile.
You were right, Batman.
That last turn flattened one of Penguin's tires.
Through the alley, you finks.
Take this back to the hideout.
I'll hold off the Clanking Crusaders.
Now you're in the trash heap where you belong, Dynamic Dodos.
What's that mess? Oh, just a pile of old junk.
Wait a minute.
What'll you charge me to haul that stuff away? - Five bucks.
-What do you do with it? Mash it up in a hydraulic press and sell it for scrap.
Ha-ha-ha.
The Scrapped Crusaders.
That's magnificent.
- What do you mean by that? -Never mind.
Here, here.
Here's 5 bucks.
I want you to haul that away.
Wait a minute.
Here's another 5.
Mash it down hard, huh? Ha-ha-ha.