Batman (1966) s02e60 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
When last seen, the Dynamic Duo was trapped in a large vaporizing pipe in Mr.
Freeze's frosty hideout beneath the Bruce Wayne Ice Arena.
With his hand on the controls, Mr.
Freeze was in the process of lowering their temperature and then vaporizing them into the Bruce Wayne Ice Rink above.
Did he? Has he? Will he? In one chilling moment we'll find out.
As soon as that tube is completely frost-covered which will mean that the Caped Crackpots are ready and chilling then I will activate this vaporizing pipe pump and Batman and Robin will be a permanent part of the ice rink upstairs! And it won't be long now.
Gosh, Batman, I've heard of people freezing to death in places like Siberia, but not in the heart of Gotham City.
Keep working on that reverse thermal Bat Lozenge I gave you, Robin, it might do some good.
Will it keep me from vaporizing? I doubt it.
What a ghastly way to go.
How long will it take? Under the right conditions, and with the right temperature even solid matter, the human body can be vaporized in a split second.
That's not very long.
Batman, I feel like I'm evaporating right now! As far as Mr.
Freeze is concerned, you are.
Well, the tube is completely frost covered, so - Darling -This is no time to get cold feet, Glacia.
The countdown's over, time for blast-off! Ah.
They're gone.
Of course they're gone.
And all the frosting in the tube with them! One moment Masked Meddlers, the next moment Cold Crepes! Pumped like any other freezing mixture right into the ice rink upstairs! Speaking of ice, boss, what about their Professor lsaacson? Take him out of the Quick Freezer once again, Boys.
Let's see if we're making headway in that department.
Well, professor.
I'm sure your native Iceland seldom has a temperature as low as that in my Quick Freezer.
What's the temperature? - Two hundred degrees below zero.
-Two hundred degrees below zero.
I admit it was cool.
You think you could remember a little more of your secret formula now? I don't know, I-- I think you've frozen my memory, as well as me.
Well, then perhaps another injection of dry ice might help? Not that again, please, please, please.
I'll-- I'll try.
- I'll try.
- All right, come on.
They're double-crossers, all of them.
Bruce Wayne, Batman, Robin.
I wouldn't blame Mr.
Wayne, darling, I'm sure he's a man of his word.
- When I met him earlier tonight-- -You met him earlier? Where? He came backstage before the performance.
- Alone? -No, he had Mrs.
Harriet Cooper with him.
A charming lady.
If only she hadn't picked up my Picked up what, Glacia? Picked up what? My compact.
So that's what was happening when all the time I thought this was broken! You know what you've done, don't you? I didn't do anything.
I said it was a little music box.
Some music box, it sang a song of underground hideouts beneath ice skating rinks.
Bruce Wayne is no idiot, I'm sure he's worked out some clever scheme so that Batman and Robin can bring the professor back without paying any ransom.
- Well, it didn't work.
-No.
But if Bruce Wayne knows where I am, so does the police.
- And if the departed duo don't return-- -Well, I told you not to vaporize them.
There's plenty of ice in the ice rink already.
Yes, there's plenty, and far safer ice floating in Gotham Harbor! Frosty, Chillbrain! Take the professor back to the ice wagon.
We are going in the ice sub to the hideout in Gotham Harbor.
Where I'll demand a far greater ransom from the professor or else I'll destroy all of Gotham City! What about Asoulda? You know your seal, she's never come back.
We'll just have to sacrifice Asoulda.
Just another expendable seal.
Take him.
- Come on, Glacia.
-But, darling what about the ice revue and my famous Waltzing arabesque? Glacia, take your choice.
Your career or me.
I have no choice, darling.
NARRATOR".
But what's this? Something stirring in the seal house when we know Asoulda's in a bathtub at Police Headquarters? The es-Caped Crusaders? It's a cold fact all right.
Holy escape hatch.
Yes, Robin, most refrigeration systems as large as this one in the Bruce Wayne Ice Arena have emergency exits.
It's lucky you remembered the one behind that vaporizing tube when you did.
You're seldom wrong, old chum, but a split second is longer than you realize.
Long enough for Mr.
Freeze so that he split too, I see.
Not without taking Professor lsaacson with him and his frosty confederates and Emma Strunk.
- You mean, Glacia Glaze? -No, Robin, Emma Strunk.
No, you mean Glacia Glaze.
No, Emma Strunk.
Glacia Glaze is far too charming a pseudonym for one of her chilling corruption.
- To the Bat Cave? -And up the Bat Poles.
The Bat Poles? Even crime fighters need their sleep, Robin.
While those crooks just stay away from us? Don't worry, Robin, Mr.
Freeze will be frozen in his tracks before we're through with him.
Let's go.
But what's this? On the dawn of a new day not just one iceberg, but a sea of icebergs off Gotham City Harbor.
- How we doing, boss? -Fine, boys.
Our ice magnets have attracted every iceberg from the South Pole to the Arctic Circle.
Now no one will be able to tell which is our iceberg.
Now, professor, how are you doing? I'm done.
Here's my secret formula.
As nearly as I can remember it.
How does this work? How does what work? - How does this formula work? -I don't know how it works.
I worked out the formula, but I never did work out how it works.
You Darling.
Aren't you being a little rough on poor Professor lsaacson? Poor Professor lsaacson will become rich Professor lsaacson, Glacia.
If we can put his secret formula to use for our own gains, we'll all be rich.
The world will be yours, Glacia.
- Mine.
-Of course, don't you see the potential? The Kremlin will be a cold water flat in a second.
The White House an icebox.
We would control everything from cold cream to cold wars and all the lovely ice in the world will sparkle on your fingers and dangle from your ears.
-You mean ice like in diamonds, darling? No, Glacia, I mean ice like in icing.
That secret formula will be the frosting on the cake and the cake will be the universe.
Well, then, professor Go, Glacia, go.
Yes, Governor Stonefellow? Yes, Governor Stonefellow? Yes, Governor Stonefellow.
- A little problem, commissioner? -A little problem? Ha! Everything that has happened before, Chief O'Hara everything that happened yesterday, last night.
The near disaster to the Gotham Queen.
The apparent kidnapping of Glacia Glaze.
The astounding buildup of icebergs outside Gotham Harbor.
Even the strange disappearance of the Caped Crusaders themselves.
- Ha, ha.
Insignificant, trivial, paltry.
-It is? - Peanuts, popcorn, a pinch of snuff.
-It is? Child's play, a brass farthing.
Uh, it is, commissioner? Compared to the word just received from the nation's capital.
The Chief Executive was just beginning an address to Congress.
When he looked at his teleprompter what do you think he saw? - His speech.
-No.
In some diabolical way, perhaps a thermodynamic ice ray beam of some kind his speech on the teleprompter had become frozen.
And in its place was a message from Mr.
Freeze.
Bless me suspender buttons.
Saying that this city, this state, this country would be returned to the Ice Age in a matter of moments Unless we capitulated to all his demands, at once.
Uh, well, what are his demands? Oh, that's just it, Chief O'Hara, he said to prepare ourselves for a little sample of what he had in mind.
And then prepare to pay.
Well, where did they think that this, uh thermodynamic ice gizmo was being beamed from? One of the hundreds of icebergs now lying off Gotham Harbor.
Well, what about the Coast Guard, the-- The Ice Patrol? Understaffed, overworked.
There must be some solution.
The solution, as always, rests in hands other than ours, Chief O'Hara.
Oh, Batman, wherefore art thou? Whereforever he are, commissioner, he heard you.
Yes! Yes, Batman? I probably should have checked in earlier, commissioner, but we had a busy night.
- Mr.
Freeze escaped us.
-I am aware of that, Batman.
But we'll now use every means at our command and there are many, to track him down.
Well, hurry, Batman, hurry, time now belongs to Mr.
Freeze.
It no longer belongs to us.
But so does the Thermodynamic Ice Ray Beam constructed in his icy Noah's Ark under the direction of Professor lsaacson.
You are a genius to have made this, professor.
Out of the odds and ends in this iceberg.
Genius, Miss Glaze, is the talent of a man who is dead.
And the Ice Ray Beam isn't dead.
Now to give Gotham City a small sample of how it works.
NARRATOR".
And how it works.
Frozen assets, frozen pipes frozen waste.
Even in the Bat Cave.
Holy chill blades, look at the Batcomputer, Batman.
I am, old chum, I am.
Frozen to its very marrow.
- But how, why? -No doubt, Mr.
Freeze is up to another diabolical thermodynamic experiment-- At the risk of sending cold shivers down your back, sir Mrs.
Cooper has just heard a most chilling morning broadcast.
Say no more, Alfred.
Yes, Batman? Arrange a broadcast to Mr.
Freeze, commissioner.
Tell him-- Tell him we await his demands whatever they are.
In the meantime, is that seal still in the bathtub in Police Headquarters? Yeah, flipping merrily away.
Good.
Do you have the Seal Bat Signal I gave you? The small echoing seal pulsator? Uh, yes, Batman, it's right here.
Excellent.
Attach it to one of the seal's flippers.
Then release the seal in Gotham Harbor.
No doubt it will home for Mr.
Freeze's iceberg and we'll pick up its wavelength in the Batcopter.
Right, Batman.
Picked up the seal's pulsator yet, Batman? We're still over land, Robin, and a seal is an aquatic marine mammal.
Gosh, yes, Batman, I forgot.
Anything now? I think I got a slight blip from the Seal Bat Signal.
Asoulda seems to be heading through Gotham Narrows.
NARRATOR".
Meanwhile, in his refrigerated refuge Mr.
Freeze and his frosty flunkies work out Our demands.
Can you think of anything else? The, the part I like, boss, is that complete guarantee of immunity.
The part I like is all that ice like in diamonds.
Fifty million dollars is not to be sneezed at.
Though of course, I never catch cold.
Aren't you skating on thin ice? How do you expect payment to be made? By Batman and Robin, of course.
Frosty, you seem to forget, the Dynamic Duo are now defunct.
Oh, that's right, part of an ice rink.
I guess we can call them now, the Vaporized Vanquishers, eh? Eh, boss? That's not bad, Frosty.
"Vaporized Vanquishers.
" That's not bad.
Now where's the seal, Batman? Heading to the iceberg in that floating mass ahead of us.
Take a look.
Holy polar ice sheet.
We'll drop down but I don't think we can land on it.
You'd better inflate the Bat Pontoons.
Check the compass and advise Commissioner Gordon of our location.
He and his men may have to come out by Coast Guard icebreaker.
Ready, old chum? - You bet.
- Here we go.
What do you mean the Coast Guard doesn't have an icebreaker? We've never needed one, commissioner.
With Gotham Harbor completely blocked by icebergs wouldn't you say we needed one now? Uh, I don't know where I could put my finger on one.
Well, put your finger on one, I don't care where.
What's that? My parker, commissioner.
Here's yours.
That's P-A-R-K-A, Chief O'Hara.
It's a hooded Siberian and Alaskan outer garment.
Well, I'm no hooded Siberian, but, how do I look? In this particular case it isn't appearance that counts, Chief O'Hara.
And you needn't have put it on until you get aboard the icebreaker.
If you go aboard the icebreaker.
Just trying it on for size.
Ahem, Bonnie, please call my daughter Barbara at college ask her to take a later plane.
I wanna meet her of course, but I have some cool facts to face before I get to the airport.
Uh, okay, Nanook, let's go.
Hey, boss, look who's in here.
Asoulda.
Asoulda.
I told you she was a homing seal.
Homing? Homing? Darling, what's the matter? This could be some kind of trick.
It is some kind of a trick.
The Batcopter's landed just outside the iceberg.
The Batcopter? Yes, Glacia, but please, don't ask questions which I can't answer.
Frosty.
Frosty, Chillbrain, activate the ice magnets.
We'll pull that Batcopter right into the iceberg.
Just the way we did the Gotham Queen.
I doubt that, Mr.
Freeze.
Salvation.
How did you keep from being vaporized? How did you land outside the iceberg and get on it without me seeing you? How did you find the entrance to the ice ladders? Oh, darling, stop spitting ice cubes.
It was really quite simple, Mr.
Freeze, thanks to ingenuity your homing seal, our Ice Batarangs and our Ice Bat Ropes.
And our Reverse Thermal Bat Lozenges.
So you see, Mr.
Freeze, you're the one who's on ice.
The gun.
Ah-ah.
Didn't you learn last night that your freeze gun has no effect on us? Not with our super-thermalized Bat Skivvies under our regular clothes.
Icemen, to the attack.
Put them on ice! Ice! Put them on ice.
No, you fool, get back into the battle.
Glacia, I'm getting out of here even though normal temperature may mean my death in spite of my collar.
Maybe not your death, Mr.
Freeze, but at least a good long cooling off period.
In our local Siberia.
Take him away, Officer Sherman.
- Don't touch the dials.
- Darling.
- Her too, Batman? -I'm afraid so, commissioner.
- Emma Strunk is as guilty as the rest of them.
-Emma Strunk? I'm Glacia Glaze, Batman.
To the world of the rich and renowned, such as millionaire Bruce Wayne you may be known as Glacia Glaze.
But to the world of the crime fighter you're known as Emma Strunk.
Batman, if ever you see Mr.
Wayne and he asks about me and Mr.
Freeze would you tell him something Rabelais once said? Rabelais, of course.
"To each his own, as the woman said when she kissed her cow.
" - All right, all right.
-Well, Batman, you've done it again.
I don't know how to begin to express Gotham City's thanks.
In this case, Gotham City owes most of its thanks to a certain homing seal.
- Gosh, yes.
-Asoulda.
In fact, she deserves more than thanks, she deserves a special reward.
Where'd you get a live fish, Batman? A true crime fighter always carries everything he needs in his utility belt, Robin.
Bruce, Christmas sure came early this year.
Yes, it did, Dick, thanks to Aunt Harriet.
I don't know how you constructed this playroom as a surprise without us knowing about it, Aunt Harriet.
Or this slot car raceway.
It's the coolest, Aunt Harriet.
Well, Alfred was a big help.
And speaking of cool, Dick, can you guess what I've named my car? - What? -Glacia Glaze.
And I think it's the prettiest car on the raceway.
That's a good reason, Aunt Harriet.
I've named mine Emma Strunk.
- Emma Strunk.
-For purely personal reasons, Aunt Harriet.
- What about you, Dick? -I think I'll call mine Asoulda.
How Wagnerian, Dick.
Romantic.
Alfred, what did you name your car? Mine seems to have run into a bit of trouble, Madam.
So, uh, I think I'll call it Mr.
Freeze.
Mercy alive, that terrible man.
When I think of all the trouble he caused and the problems so many people have.
Like you, Bruce, with your Wayne Foundation and you, Dick, with that essay on the glaciers.
My, I'm just so glad that I thought of this playroom.
And this slot car raceway.
Yes, Aunt Harriet, at least for a little while we can forget our worries.
Ah! And have some fun.