Becker Episode Scripts

N/A - Take These Pills and Shove 'Em

( blues theme playing ) No time for breakfast, Reg, just a cup of coffee.
My car broke down, so I had to take the bus.
You done that lately? You know, it's like being in an ethanol-powered Fellini film.
BECKER: The first thing I see is some woman breast-feeding her son, her adult son.
Yeah, and behind them is someone in this lovely Chanel evening gown who's either an unattractive man or a really unattractive woman.
The only seat I could find was next to some guy who claims he's Moses.
Yeah, he may well have been too.
He smelled like some guy who'd been dead for 3,000 years.
So, what's--? What's goin' on in here? Well, before you blew in, we were having a conversation.
Yeah, John, we do have lives that go on even when you're not here.
Oh, gee, you know, I always just assumed this place was like my refrigerator.
When I shut the door, the light goes out.
Please, don't let me stop you.
Go back to what you were doing.
I'll just mind my own business.
So, Jake, what class do you wanna take? There's cooking, creative writing-- Oh, whoa, whoa.
Hold on a second.
You're taking a class from the Knowledge Annex? This is not a real school.
It's a joke.
I mean, look at this.
Oh, "Introductory Clowning.
" It's a two-day class.
Well, that makes sense.
Day one, get in the little car.
Day two, get out of the little car.
Hey, that-- That Knowledge Annex, that's a great place.
My wife takes a class there three nights a week.
Does she learn anything? Who cares? She's outta the house three nights a week.
So, what class do you wanna take? I'm only going there to meet women, so it really doesn't matter.
Oh, so I have a great class for you.
There will be lots of women.
"Lesbian Literature.
" Okay, it does matter.
Give him a break, will you? He's a blind newsstand owner.
What other chance does he have to meet women? Thanks a lot.
I gotta second that.
I mean, if you're a chick and you see Mr.
Magoo here coming at you with that cane I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.
Oh, Manny.
Manny Dugan.
Do me a favor, Manny? Shut up.
How about this? Archery.
As much as I'd like to see you try that, no.
Ah, here you go.
( clears throat ) That sounds promising.
Women who like to work with their hands.
Oh, yeah, I like it, John.
A blind artist struggling to express himself.
Oh, that's good.
Men's answer to everything: lying.
Excuse me? I've seen you all spackled up for a date.
The hair, the makeup, the "Hello, sailor" shoes.
Besides, what do you tell guys you do for a living? They don't care.
They're guys.
She's right.
A woman's job is irrelevant.
Me? I like my women like I like my G.
Posable with a kung fu grip.
Manny, right? Yeah? Shut up.
( blues theme playing ) ( blues theme playing ) ( siren wails ) What's that? Huh? Oh, that's just an air horn.
Any messages? Oh, the pharmacy called.
They're a little concerned.
It's been almost a week and Mr.
Marino still hasn't picked up his pills.
Ah, you know, what is he doing? He's diabetic.
He needs those pills.
G-get on the phone and tell him to drag his butt down here.
That's better.
Anything else? Uh, Mrs.
Cooper called at 11:00 last night.
She didn't want to alarm us, but she wasn't sure she would make it through the night.
Seven o'clock this morning, Mrs.
Cooper called again.
Apparently, she made it.
Eight-fifteen, Mrs.
Cooper called-- Yeah, she's here, isn't she? Room 2.
All right.
Give me TV Guide.
See what we're dealing with.
Already checked.
There were two movies-of-the-week last night.
Lindsay Wagner had kidney failure and Patty Duke was goin' deaf.
Usual bet? Fine.
I'll take deafness.
You've got renal shutdown.
Cooper? How are we doing today? Excuse me, doctor, can you speak up? Patty Duke.
Oh, they're sending you there for an MRI.
Hope you're not claustrophobic, 'cause, you know, they slide you into this long dark tube.
And you can't move.
It's like the walls are closing in.
And then there's this horrible, deafening, pounding noise, and you scream and you scream, but nobody can hear you.
And then you wonder, what if there's a power failure and I get stuck in here? It's like that movie where that guy was buried alive.
What was that called? Oh, right, Buried Alive.
And then-- And then there's Buried Alive II.
How many of these movies must they make before people learn? Linda, Linda, I'll finish up here.
Why don't you go find something else to do? Okay.
Hope you make it.
Lyles, relax.
An MRI is nothing to be afraid of.
( mutters ): But you sure wouldn't catch me in one.
( whispers ): Doctor, do you need any help? ( whispers ): No.
( whispers ): Are you sure? ( whispers ): Yes.
Oh, no.
I am going deaf.
I can hardly hear either one of you.
That's because we were whispering.
What don't you want me to know? Nothing, nothing.
Linda, why don't you go have a cup of coffee? I don't really drink coffee.
Can I have tea? You can have a shot and a beer.
Just get outta here.
Cooper, I've looked in your ears.
I-I can't see anything.
I am so relieved.
But while I'm here-- Mm? --there was something on the news last night about five warning signs.
I definitely have three of them.
Fatigue, sore joints, and disorientation.
Ho-- Hold on, hold on.
Five warning signs f-for what? I don't know.
I walked into the room after the program started.
I just have this feeling that something's terribly wrong with me.
Well, no argument here.
( blues theme playing ) Mr.
Marino, the pharmacy-- ( tut-tuts ) Well, tell her I got all my guys out there.
Look, a frigging pipe burst.
What makes her flooded basement so special? Okay, okay, I'll be there in 20 minutes, yeah.
All right, this won't take long, right? I gotta go see some broad's basement.
Let me ask you something.
What the hell were you thinking not picking up your pills? Oh.
I, uh-- You know, I don't like to put all these chemicals in my body.
Yeah, yeah, clearly it's a temple.
All right, look, I didn't get around to it.
You were probably too busy having a heart attack.
What? Oh, good.
Got your attention.
Yeah, according to this EKG, since the last time you were here, you've had a small heart attack.
( scoffs ): You're nuts.
I didn't feel anything.
Well, it can happen that way, Mr.
Marino, when you're severely diabetic.
Now, I want to see if your arteries are blocked, so I'm gonna schedule you for a treadmill test and maybe an angiogram.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now you're starting with the tests? Look, this is just some scam you doctors run.
Oh, yeah, yeah, it's a scam all right.
Just like all the other things I prescribed that you chose to ignore, like testing your blood sugar, low-fat diet, getting your exercise.
Oh, well, that's a lot to remember.
You remembered to keep smoking.
Who says I'm smoking? You're a lying, smoking bastard.
I know because I'm one too.
Look, you know, right now you're being stupid.
You wanna be stupid and dead? Use that with all your patients? Only the stupid ones.
Look, it's real simple, Mr.
You're walkin' across the street.
A bus is coming at you.
I'm trying to help you get out of the way.
Even a 5-year-old is smart enough to do that.
You think you might take directions as well as a 5-year-old? You know what, I got some directions for you, pal.
Why don't you go straight to hell, take a left at Up Yours, and make a right at Kiss My Ass? BECKER: Oh, that's brilliant.
Yeah, that's just brilliant.
You wanna die? Fine, go ahead and die.
I could care less.
It's okay with me.
Who's next, Margaret? ( blues theme playing ) Well, when Mr.
Marino gets back to the office, tell him to call Dr.
Becker, please.
He told you to tell me that? Well, I'm a doctor, and that's not physically possible.
Just-- Just tell him it's important.
Thank you.
Linda, let me see you here for a second, will you? Sure.
What's this? Uh, it's my air horn.
Um Please, sit down.
Oh, no, not the "please, sit down" speech.
I'm getting fired, aren't I? This is just the way it happened at all my other jobs.
The temp agency, the movie theater, Supercuts, the movie theater.
Linda, you're not getting fired.
I just want to talk to you in private for a minute.
Oh, no, this is the donut shop all over again.
Becker, I have a boyfriend.
I'm not coming on to you.
Oh, then I don't have a boyfriend.
Well, I did, but we had a fight.
You see, what happened was I-- Sit down.
Now, listen to me.
Last night I was on the phone for an hour with a Mr.
He wanted to cancel his MRI.
You scared him half to death.
I didn't mean to.
Well, you might not have meant to, but you did.
I mean, here's a guy who's going in for a serious test, and you're talking to him about being buried alive.
You're right.
I should put myself in the patient's shoes like you do.
Right, like that.
I'm sorry, doctor.
No, it's all right.
Um, when is Mrs.
Schwartz having her gall bladder operation? Tomorrow.
You may wanna call her.
( blues theme playing ) Any other doctors call for Marino's records? For the tenth time, no.
What the hell's he thinking? He has diabetes.
He needs to be under a doctor's care.
We can't force him to take care of himself.
We sent him the certified letter, and I even included a list of other doctors in the area.
It's up to him now.
You know, I was just being honest with him, you know? I mean, I can't change medical facts for every person that walks in this place, am I right? And how many times did you call him stupid? That has nothing to do with it.
That has everything to do with it.
You're dealing with people, John.
Sometimes you have to be a little tactful.
I don't have time to be tactful, Margaret.
Am I wrong here? A guy's crossing the street, a bus is about to hit him.
I yell out at him to watch out.
You keep yelling at me like that, I'll shove you in front of that bus, climb inside, get behind the wheel, and then back up over you again.
All right, all right, all right.
This is silly.
Now, if anyone calls for Marino for anything, let me know so we can get it straightened out, will you? Absolutely.
You'd really back up over me? Only to put you out of your misery.
Oh, well, thank you.
( blues theme playing ) Hey, Jake, let me ask you something.
Say you're crossing the street and some guy yells at you because you're about to be hit by a bus-- What street? What's the difference? Well, John, I'm trying to help you here.
So-- F-fine, Fordham Road, you happy? Th-th-the point is-- Is it a local or an express? What difference does it make? I wanna know how fast it's going.
If it's local, I know it's gonna stop.
But if it's an express, it's just come barreling through.
I don't know what kind of bus it is, all right? Okay, fine, fine.
So I'm crossing the street and here comes some kind of bus which may or may not be going fast enough to hit me, right? No, yo-- You know what? The bus was going faster than I thought.
You're dead.
Okay, okay, but why does it always have to be the blind, black guy crossing the street--? All right, all right, Jake.
It's a white guy crossin' the street.
Now we're talking.
Is he big and slow? He's me, okay? I'm crossing the street.
Oh, well, that's easy.
The bus hits you and nobody calls for help, because everyone in this neighborhood knows you.
( chuckles ) So who'd you piss off this time, Becker? Some patient.
You probably bored him with that bus story.
No one's talking to you.
You asked for my opinion.
Yeah, fat lot of good it did me.
You have race issues, don't you? I didn't used to.
Ebony and ivory, shut up.
All right, you know, I-I can't stand it anymore.
W-w-what the hell is that thing? Oh, this? This is my sculpture from last night's class.
You like it? Well, it depends.
What is it? It's an abstract.
Then I'd say you nailed it.
Did you get any telephone numbers? Heh.
Oh, yeah.
Horny guys and desperate women.
It's the Renaissance all over again.
What is that? Oh, it's just my air horn.
Uh, let me have a muffin there, will you, Reg? Gotta get back to the office and practice being tactful all afternoon.
It's gonna take more than one afternoon.
Go to hell.
Good start.
Jake, I gotta be honest with you.
I can't believe you're scamming on those women.
You know, I thought you were a better person than that.
Hey, you think I'm proud of myself for doing this? When I lost my sight, I had to accept a lot of things.
And-- And one of them was that I might never be with a woman again.
Look, Jake, I'm sorry, maybe I was too harsh.
No, when this first started off, it may have been a scam, but once I got into it, it became something else.
They had a nude model there.
I couldn't see her, but I sure could imagine her.
This thing probably looks ridiculous to you, but to me, this is every woman I've ever been with.
Right here? This is the part on the small of her back where I'd rest my hand when we danced.
And this, this is smooth like-- Like the slope of a bare shoulder.
And this is that spot right behind a woman's ear where-- Where the smell of her perfume would just drive me insane.
And right here? Did you ever have a man kiss that little spot right behind your knee? Oh, yeah.
Well, maybe now you understand.
Wait a minute.
You know, I can't believe I bought into this.
You? Never be with a woman again? You go out all the time.
And now you know why.
( blues theme playing ) Oh, hey, Mr.
Agler, I'll be right with you.
Anything on Marino? John, if anyone calls, I promise I'll tell you.
In the meantime, Mrs.
Cooper is in Room 1.
Cooper again? Mm-hm.
Well, it's nice to know we have something to count on besides death, taxes, and God talking to southerners with no teeth.
What is it this time? Who knows? Maybe she walked past a tree and thinks she has Dutch elm disease.
Cooper? Oh, doctor, I don't seem to be able to find my-- ( giggles ) So, Mrs.
Cooper, what seems to be your problem today? Well, I was watching the news last night, and there was a story about how power lines are giving people headaches.
And I have this headache, so I was wondering-- It's not impossible.
But really, we have to have a talk.
Cooper, you have to turn off your television set.
Is that what's giving me headaches? No, it's what's giving me headaches.
Every time you watch a program, you're in here the next day with a new ailment.
You gotta get a life.
Get a dog.
Dust off Mr.
Make him take you dancing.
You gotta stop coming in here with symptoms you don't have.
For God's sake, leave some room for people who really are sick.
I'm sorry, Dr.
I won't bother you anymore.
Hey, now, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, um-- P-perhaps I'm not being as tactful as I should be.
I like you.
I'd hate to see you if you didn't.
All I'm trying to say is, I wanna see you start spending more time living your life instead of worrying about what might end it.
Now, I don't want you to stop coming here.
I just want you to be a little more sick when you do.
Okay? Okay.
All right.
A-ac-- You know, one more thing actually.
And this is just something to think about.
You know, th-there's stuff that goes on inside all of us that makes us act the way we do.
Now that said, you might wanna talk to a therapist.
It might be helpful.
I've thought about it.
Have you? ( blues theme playing ) ( blues theme playing ) ( doorbell rings ) What the hell are you doing here? Mr.
Marino, we need to talk.
What, did you come to apologize? Not really.
But if it will move things along, I apologize.
Oh, I don't wanna hear it.
What the hell kind of game are you playing? I'm here to save your life, you big meatball.
If you can't get-- ( doorbell rings ) ( sighs ) I'm really, really trying here.
We were about to have dinner.
Whatever you're selling, we ain't buying.
No, I'm not selling anything, Mrs.
I'm John Becker.
Until earlier this week, I was your husband's doctor.
Are you aware of his condition? She knows I'm never seeing you again.
Why is the doctor coming to our house? What didn't you tell me? You're letting him in our house? It's my house too.
Oh, not a day goes by that I'm not aware of that.
Can I get you something to drink? No, that's-- I made lemonade.
I'll get you some lemonade.
Angelo, help me.
He doesn't want any.
MARINO: Angelo, I said help me.
Thanks a lot.
MARINO: Make yourself comfortable.
We'll be back.
Marino, that's really not nec-- MRS.
MARINO: Make yourself comfortable.
ANGELO: Why are you giving him lemonade? MRS.
MARINO: Why shouldn't I? You know, you and I are gonna have to have a little talk, mister.
Oh, God.
ANGELO: I'm the king of this house.
Not you.
MARINO: You ain't the king of nothing, let me tell you.
Here you go, doctor.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, listen, uh, about your husband's condition.
The diabetes.
Yeah, I know about it.
Yeah, see? She knows about it.
So you can drink up and get out.
See here, sit down.
Marino, I'm sure you care about your husband a great deal.
D-didn't you tell her what happened? Nothing.
This jerk says I had a heart attack.
A heart attack? How could you not tell me that? I forgot.
I mean, you know, I do have plumbing business to run.
You know, I think you're spending too much time with your head in people's toilets.
Hey, hey, hey, those toilets put food on your table.
Oh, how the hell could you not tell me you had a heart attack? So you were saying, doctor? I was about to ask you if you were any good at nagging, but I think we're there.
Um, the point is your husband's condition needs monitoring.
There's a doctor in the neighborhood who's excellent.
I've told him about your husband's condition.
He'll be happy to take care of him.
No, no, no.
I'm not going to some quack he recommended.
You're going, Angelo.
Dot, dash, end of story.
I'd like to thank you very much for coming by, doctor.
Well, it's just something I felt I needed to do.
You know, if you'd like to stay for dinner, we're having some ravioli with some nice homemade sausages.
Neither of which is on his diet.
Come on.
Her cooking is the only perk in this marriage I got left.
I'm standing right here.
I see you.
Don't start with me.
Now, don't you start with me.
Because you know what? You've been a thorn in my side since the day I met you.
Hey, hey, hey.
Listen to me.
I know why you wanna kill him.
And now I know why you wanna die.
Best of luck to both of you.
Oh, my God.
The hell, I'm glad he's gone.
Don't wish it on me.
Where'd you get him? ( blues theme playing ) ( phone rings ) Hello? Excuse me? Am I interested in changing my long-distance carrier? ( screeches ) Thanks for calling.
( blues theme playing ) ( blues theme playing )