Becker Episode Scripts

N/A - Tell Me Lies

( blues theme playing ) Jake, let me give you a little tip.
Whatever you do, never ever go to a hospital.
You got a problem, throw yourself in front of a train.
It's quicker, it's cheaper, and it's a hell of a lot less paperwork.
( groans ) Patient of mine went in the hospital this morning for surgery.
By the time I get there, he's gone.
Oh, John, I'm sorry.
No, he's not dead.
He's gone.
They lost him.
Tsk.
They physically lost the entire person.
Oh, yeah, they can keep track of their $25 aspirins and their $40 Q-tips, but apparently, poor unconscious Mr.
Borelli was just a little too slippery for 'em.
( puts papers on table ) ( grunts ) But at least it was all worthwhile.
When I got Mr.
Borelli up to his room, he found the perfect way to thank me.
Threw up all over my shoes.
( chuckles ) Sohow's your day? Still blind.
Uh-huh.
You win again.
Oh, hey, Reg.
Give me one of my cigarettes there, will you? You know I'm a little sick of you stashing your bad habit in my cash register.
You wanna smoke, smoke.
You wanna quit, quit.
Just stop wasting my time with this ridiculous self-delusional game.
I don't know what happened to you this morning, but someone threw up on me.
Hey, she bit my head off too.
Which actually makes no sense.
I meanyou, I get.
You're an opinionated loudmouth.
But meuh, I'm lovable.
You know what I'm doing right now? Mm.
I'm giving you the finger.
John, I'm blind, I'm poor, and I'm running a newsstand in the Bronx.
God gave me the finger long before you ever did.
( chuckles ) ( blues theme playing ) Hey, what do you gotta do to get a cup of coffee around here? Here.
Might be a little strong.
You know, I can't help but notice you're acting a little-- What was that word you used, Jake? Oh, yeah: bitchy.
I never said that.
I agree, but I never said that.
I'm sorry, you guys.
I got a letter that kind of upset me this morning, but I'm working it out.
Anything you wanna talk about? No.
It's personal.
Enough said.
Personal.
Got it.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now, when you say personal, Reg, do you-- Becker.
Wh-- ( sighs ) What's your problem? I mean, I share with you.
I come in here every day and I-- I tell you everything that's on my mind.
I know.
And I wish you'd stop.
That's not the point.
The point is, you've been here a couple of months, and you know lots about us, and we know absolutely nothing about you.
Well, maybe that's because I don't want you to know anything.
Yeah.
How do we get you past that? You know, when your father was alive, we used to sit here and talk for hours.
And now I know what killed him.
You're just gonna sit there all day until I tell you, aren't you? I could rearrange my schedule.
Hey, let's face it, where am I going? Okay.
It's about a guy.
Isn't it always? I met him when I first moved to Miami, summer of '91.
Ball player.
You know, the Marlins.
Okay, now this is getting good.
Who was it? No, uh-- Come on, don't be nosy.
All right? She'll tell us when she's ready.
Who? Never mind that.
We kind of hit it off, and what can I say? Two weeks later, we were living together.
Which we did for seven years.
I wanted to get married, and he was a little afraid of commitment.
Infielder or outfielder? Oh, please, Jake, will you? Go-- Go on.
Well then my father got sick, and I came up here to help out.
And this morning, I got a letter.
He met someone else, and he's getting married.
Guess he worked out those commitment issues.
So if I'm not myself today, you know, that's why.
BOTH: Oh.
That's bad.
I'm sorry.
I wish-- Yeah, real bad.
BECKER: Yeah, that sucks.
I'm sorry.
Now that I see how hard she took it I'm kind of sorry I went along with you on this.
( blues theme playing ) Look, Mr.
Slovoski, we're a doctor's office.
We need those supplies.
Mm.
Things are a little tight this month.
Can't you extend us some credit? ( jackhammer pounding outside ) When you're done laughing, we can continue.
Now, that's better-- They're out there again, Margaret.
That slack-ass road crew that follows me around the city.
I'm on the phone.
Look at this.
Look at this.
One guy with a jackhammer, meatball sandwiches.
Yeah, you don't see any of them holding up a "men working" sign either.
None of them could do it with a straight face.
Mr.
Slovoski, I'm gonna have to get back to you.
Slovoski? Medical-supply guy? Well, you-- You really need to talk to him, Margaret.
Why didn't I think of that? Well, let's get on the ball around here.
We're running out of everything: syringes, swabs, tongue depressors.
Is it too much to ask you to keep this place supplied? Don't you use that tone with me, John Becker.
We don't have the money to order supplies.
Mr.
DeSantro? ( washing hands ) Maybe you forgot, but we had to repair the x-ray machine.
And I thought it might be a nice idea to pay your malpractice insurance.
No-- It's okay.
They make everyone get it.
Those are details, Margaret.
You're the detail person.
Handle it.
There's that tone again.
Now, Theresa Campbell is in 1, Mr.
DeSantro's in 2.
Oh, and heads up.
Mr.
Schmalen is back there somewhere.
Oh, brother.
Now, I will get you your supplies if you just stay out of my hair.
You know something, Margaret? Sometimes I think you don't give me the respect I deserve.
You're right.
I give you more than you deserve.
Linda, would you please pull Mr.
DeSantro's x-rays? I'm gonna ( sighs ) Okay.
Where exactly are you right now? Well, I'm right here, but you always tell me not to talk to you, so I didn't know if I should say anything.
Uh-huh.
But if we're actually having a conversation, that's so cool, because I've been trying to find a blood red lipstick.
And now that I see the color of real blood, I was thinking, if I could take this down to the drugstore, I could-- Linda daughter of darkness, listen to me carefully.
Blood goes from here to the lab.
No detours to the drugstore.
I'm sorry, doctor.
It will never happen again.
Excuse me for having a fashion sense.
You know you can't dry your hands in there? You got no paper towels, no toilet paper.
What is this, Russia? It's a pleasure to see you too, Mr.
Schmalen.
Let me guess: you don't have an appointment, right? Maybe it would be easier for you if I just dropped dead.
Maybe.
But not right here.
It's kind of a high-traffic area.
So you're busy.
So-- Do you at least have time for a little chess? Oh.
All right, I'll try.
Margaret, Schmalen, chessboard.
Got it! Margaret, the doctor said to give me the chessboard.
Yeah, I heard him, Mr.
Schmalen.
I am on the phone.
N-n-n-n-n-n-no, you see, Mr.
Slovoski, some of our patients, they pay us with services instead of money, you know? You know, barter.
Maybe I have something you could use.
Uh-- Uh-- Uh, plumbing repair, fresh produce.
( quietly ): Uh, free HBO? What-- What-- Whatever you need.
Excuse me? No, I am proud to say I do not know any women in that profession.
Wh--? Repair the heater in your truck? Now, that is much better.
Now, let me see.
Uh Uh, nothing on my list, but I will see what I can do.
Heysweetheart, tell the doctor I'm ready and I'm white.
Excuse me, sir, but the doctor does not discriminate.
He takes patients in the order they come in.
I'm sorry you had to hear that.
I am on the phone.
So the twins start calling each other names, and the baby starts to cry.
He throws his juice cup, misses them, but he hits the big one.
Then he comes over, smacks the baby, runs out into the street.
I go after him, I trip over a stoop, and here I am.
Well, Theresa, you're lucky it's just sprained.
Okay, puts lots of ice on that and try to stay off it.
Yeah, that's gonna happen.
Me with four kids.
Don't you have anyone who can help out? No, not really.
My sister works, and my new boyfriend, he hasn't exactly warmed up to the kids yet.
But I think that's gonna change as soon as he has one of his own.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's review, shall--? Four kids, right? No fathers around, and you're planning on having number five with some new guy, just to see if he might want one of his own? Well, what is that, like a test drive? ( groans ) Come on, Dr.
Becker, don't start this again.
Well, what do you expect me to say? Your-- Your life's like a bad game show.
You only get asked one question, and the answer's always yes.
And then the contestant gets to go home, and then you're stuck with a lovely parting gift.
Hey.
I love my kids.
Theresa, nobody in this neighborhood doubts your ability to love.
Nobody.
You know what I ought to prescribe for you? Velcro.
Here's what you do.
You put one piece on each knee.
When you hear this sound ( Velcro ripping ) stop and think about what you're doing.
You know-- You are gonna end up with even more children, and you cannot provide for the ones you got now.
Too rough? Yeah.
A little bit.
I'm sorry.
I'm right but I'm sorry.
But I'm right.
( door closes ) What are you doing, making a toast? Am I supposed to give this to you? Good God, no.
No.
Linda.
Yeah? Yeah.
Uh, take Mr.
Sutthoff's sample, please.
And I don't care if you're trying to match eye shadow.
That goes straight to the lab.
Eye shadow? It's pee.
( clears throat ) I, uh, owed her father a favor.
I'd say you're even.
Hey, look, doc, am I gonna be okay? I got plans to go down and catch spring training this year.
Oh, you're fine, Eddie.
Just a minor infection.
Listen, um Baseball, uh-- Uh-- Maybe you can help me out here.
Uh, I'm trying to remember the name of a player for the Marlins in '91.
Waste of time.
They weren't a franchise till '93.
Well-- I'll be damned.
She lied to me.
Hey, look, can I get dressed? I'm standing here in a coffee filter.
Uh-- Yeah, I'm sorry.
Go-- Go ahead.
Margaret? On the phone.
I'll be right back.
What am I, invisible? It's your move.
All right, Schmalen.
Here you go.
I don't think he really wanted to do that.
HeySchmalen.
Put it back.
( blues theme playing ) She lied to us.
What are you talking about? Reggie.
You know the story about the boyfriend who played for the Marlins? There were no Marlins in '91.
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
Well, I guess she really didn't want us to know then.
Well, if she didn't want us to know, then why didn't she say something? Well, she did.
She said she didn't want us to know.
Why am I even talking to you? Hey, Becker.
Hey, nothing.
You lied to us.
Excuse me? This morning, when you asked me for my help, I offered you my expertise, my understanding-- All right, you know, I'll say it: my wisdom.
And you just spit in my face.
First of all, Mr.
Wisdom, it's "spat.
" Well, I'm sorry we couldn't all go to Columbia University.
You went to Harvard.
So I'm smarter than you are.
That's not the point.
The point is you lied to us.
Why are you so interested anyway? I am not interested.
It is my training.
I am a healer, a diagnostician.
I see somebody in pain, I ask 'em what's bothering them.
It's all about sensitivity and compassion.
Why, just this morning, I helped a young unwed mother through a very difficult time.
Doc.
Doc, forget about it.
She doesn't want us to know, we don't need to know.
Thank you, Jake.
All right, all right.
But for her to go through all this trouble it's got to be something very, very big.
BECKER: You know, I think you're right.
Maybe this guy she's involved with wasn't even a guy.
Mm.
You two are pathetic.
Boy.
Explains a lot, doesn't it? The surliness, the bad attitude, the sensible shoes.
Would you stop? It's not about a woman.
Yeah, still, why the shoes? ( chuckles ) Forget the shoes! Oh, all right, I'll tell you.
I'm broke.
My best friend in the world, Trish, is a stockbroker.
I completely trusted her.
So when she said she had a can't-miss investment, I gave her all my savings.
Well, that's dumb.
Sorry.
Go on.
Long story short, she stole every penny.
The letter was from a lawyer telling me that there was nothing I can do about it.
Are you happy now? Oh, boy.
Bad.
Oh, bad.
That's wrong-- I'm sorry.
Sorry.
That-- That's Yeah.
A letter.
Gee, boy.
Bad.
Boy, she's really upset.
Mm-hm.
Hope you're proud of yourself.
( blues theme playing ) Mr.
Isaacs, you've got your cell phone.
( quacks ) Now, you're gonna repair Mr.
Slovoski's truck? Perfect.
Ha.
Mr.
Gregory, I'm back.
Everything is all set up.
( giggles ) Yes.
I have the duck.
( quacking ) I'm back.
Who's next? Mrs.
Sullivan is in 3.
And you're late.
Are we playing chess or not? Um Um, I couldn't wait all day, so I made a few moves for you.
You played just as poorly as I thought you would.
Yeah, well, chew on that.
Uh, Mrs.
Sullivan is waiting.
Oh.
Sullivan.
Is she the one with the lazy eye? Yes.
I never know which one to look at.
The left one.
( sighs ) Uh Her left.
Didn't we already have the barnyard-animal discussion? Just go.
( quacking ) ( blues theme playing ) Oh, no, Mr.
Gregory.
You can't back out now.
If you don't do the dry wall, the whole deal falls apart, and I don't get my medical supplies.
We had a deal.
I got you a duck.
And I was nice enough not to ask you what you wanted it for.
Uh, Mr.
Gregory? ( dial tone ) Hello? Damn! Uh, Margaret? Not now, Mr.
Schmalen.
I am in the middle of something.
Okay, okay, but you need medical supplies, my neighbor's in the business.
He owes me a favor.
I can get you whatever you need.
Really? Yeah.
I would have said something before, but I don't like to be a bother.
Oh.
Mr.
Schmalen, I love you.
Mm.
Ha-ha! Heh.
I had fewer questions about the duck.
Hey, doc, are we playing chess today, or should I just go screw myself? Nah, we'll finish the game.
All right.
( groans ) ( laughs ) Got your rook.
( imitates laugh ) Checkmate.
You beat me.
How did you do that? I got a nephew.
Thirty-eight.
We have to pin his bus pass to his sleeve.
He could beat you.
WellI think I'll call it a day.
So you're feeling a little bit better, are you? Well, my, uh-- My bursitis was acting up.
But it feels okay now.
Honey.
A little tip.
Next time I come in it wouldn't kill you to offer me a little coffee.
Maybe a Danish.
And by the way they invented brassieres for a reason.
See you, doc.
Do I have to take that from him? ( door closes ) Plus, he just walked out of here without paying his bill.
Well, there is no bill.
There's nothing wrong with him.
His wife passed away a few years ago, and most of his friends are either dead or living in Florida.
Same difference.
So until Medicare starts covering loneliness, Schmalen comes in here, we play a little chess, he goes home feeling better than he did.
That's really nice of you.
Maybe when I'm 80, you'll get off my ass.
( slow blues theme playing ) ( outer door opens ) Hey, Jake, how you doing? Oh, I'm glad you're here, John.
Our friend Reggie lied to us again.
What do you mean? Hey, remember that story she told us about Trish? The best friend that betrayed her and stole all her money? Well, they're going skiing next month.
I heard her making plans on the phone.
Are you sure you heard her right? John.
I do one thing, and I do it well.
Hey, Reg? ( door opens ) Yeah, what do you need? You lied to us again, didn't you? Me, lie to you? ( laughs ): Yes, I did.
How could you do that? Actually, it was pretty easy.
The stuff about the baseball player happened to a friend of mine.
And the whole backstabbing thing, I kind of came up with on the spot.
I'm real proud of that one.
But maybe now you'll get it.
My business is none of your business.
All right.
All right.
All right.
For some reason, you don't want me to know.
I accept that.
I just want you to know that I was trying to be friendly, to get to know you a little bit better.
That's all.
But you obviously don't want that, so I will just come in every morning, order my coffee, and I will leave you alone.
Good.
( perturbed ): Just doesn't seem fair.
I mean, my-- My life is an open book.
Oh, you're so full of it.
If ever there was a closed book, it's you.
You're a doctor, you live alone.
That's pretty much all I know.
He's afraid of spiders.
Hey, shut up, Jake.
Well, you are.
You're like a little girl.
Becker, if you really wanna know about me, I'll tell you anything you want.
But it's a two-way street.
What do you mean? If you get to ask me a question, then I get to ask you one.
Fine.
I wanna know what's in the letter.
I don't know why I wanna know, I just do.
And don't lie to me this time.
Fine.
I'm overdrawn at the bank.
Sor--? Excuse me? I'm overdrawn.
The letter is a bank statement.
That's it? I waste my whole day on your checking account? It has to come out to the penny.
It's a point of pride with me.
Besides, you're the ones that blew it out of proportion.
Wa-- Wait.
No ball players? No lesbians? No nothing? Well, no wonder you don't like to talk about your life.
It's boring.
Good night.
Uh, hold it.
You owe me a question.
What? Oh.
We had a deal.
Now it's my turn.
Fine.
Ask your question.
My father said you were some sort of hotshot researcher at Harvard.
Now you have a tiny little practice in the Bronx.
What are you hiding from? I just asked you about your checking account.
I'm waiting.
( sighs ) I am not hiding from anything.
I-- I think I was just tired-- ( clears throat ) You know, I probably-- My-- My marriage w-- Y-- You know something? It's none of your business.
And I respect that.
Ah.
Good night, Becker.
Good night, Reggie.
( blues theme playing ) Hey, doesn't anybody want to know anything about me? ( blues theme playing )