Becker Episode Scripts

N/A - My Dinner With Becker

Oh, yeah, lady.
Well, instead of putting that stupid bow in his hair, why don't you teach him not to crap all over the sidewalk? I sure hope he's talking about a dog.
Hey, I don't care if you don't have a scooper.
Pick it up and put it in your pocket, you idiot.
Hey, Reg, no time for a breakfast this morning.
Let me just have a cigarette and a cup of coffee, will you? Oh, it's your lucky day.
Here's a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
Caffeinated cigarettes.
Am I crazy or is that a good idea? Yeah, if you're gonna smoke yourself to death, you may as well be awake for it.
Oh, look at this story.
You're not gonna believe this.
"Forty-five injured in toy store riot.
" You wanna know what led these mature adults to violence? Those stupid little beanie dolls.
I mean, are people's lives this empty? What are we talking about? It's a sweat sock with eyes.
Well, you can't blame the toy.
My niece has one.
She just loves it.
A little tip.
Don't poke the bear.
All I'm saying is that there's always gonna be a few bad apples who ruin it for everybody.
Okay, now you're on your own.
A few bad apples? What are you, nuts? People are being slaughtered over those little beanie bastards.
Hey, everyone's entitled to their opinion.
I say, live and let live.
The schmucks of the world have a new king.
Wait till you see who he's chosen for his new queen.
What do you mean? Oh, you gotta be kidding.
Yeah, I'm blind and I did a double take.
I'll see you later.
Yeah, have a great day.
What? Were all the guys in long pants taken? Don't tell me now you have something against delivery men.
No, absolutely not.
I have nothing but respect for our men in lift belts.
I just don't think he's your type, that's all.
Oh, you're right.
What was I thinking? I should have my head examined for going out with a great-looking guy who treats me well.
Besides, I've gone out with enough Type A guys to know what the A stands for.
All right, I stand corrected.
He's a nice guy.
If he had bigger ears, he'd be a Disney character.
Okay, Mrs.
Jordan, give me just a second here to look over your results, will you? I don't see any pictures of your family, Dr.
I keep them locked up.
Your family pictures are locked up? No, my family.
All right, everything seems to be in pretty good shape, except your thyroid's a little underactive, so I'm gonna give you a drug called Synthroid, see if we can give it a little kick in the butt.
So I notice you don't wear a ring.
I take it you're unmarried? Mrs.
Jordan, I've already seen you naked.
There's nowhere left for us to go.
Oh, come on, doctor.
Cards on the table.
What, are you gay? No.
Because I may have someone for you.
My niece.
She's a lovely girl, personality plus.
Yeah, personality plus what? Kelly would love your sense of humor.
You're perfect for her.
Jordan, thanks anyway, but see, the problem with blind dates is you end up going out with the kind of people who go out on blind dates.
And frankly, those people are much better off alone.
There's that sense of humor.
Becker, I don't know if you remember.
but when I started working here, you said there would be a quarterly performance review.
Today is the day.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I'm not ready.
That's okay, I'll go first.
"First of all, let me say "I think you're doing a great job.
However, there's always room for improvement.
" Okay.
"You have a tendency to get a little abrasive at times.
"Not only with the patients, but with the support staff.
Remember, a smile is a frown turned upside down.
" Go on.
Secondly, and I think I speak for everyone.
Think about it.
If you get here after me, you're late.
Thirdly, let's talk about your clothes.
Let me ask you something.
I-- In what twisted little corner of your mind, do you think that it's appropriate for an employee to come to her boss? I'll-- I'll try to do better.
That's all I ask.
No, don't.
Well, well, well, seems like someone's been using the office as a dating service.
Jordan just gave me her niece's phone number.
Oh, thank you, Margaret.
You know, I've seen her niece.
You could do worse.
You have done worse.
Why not give it a shot and-- And take this girl to dinner? Margaret, there's a reason they named the blind date after a disabling condition.
Date, don't date.
But one of these days, the thrill I get from dragging my butt in here every morning is gonna wear off.
Then who's gonna look after you? Margaret, you'll never leave me.
Well, I might not have a choice.
Linda gave me a very poor performance review.
Come on back.
All right, thanks for seeing me.
I've got some real stiffness in my shoulder.
Well, let's take a look at it.
It says here you work for an HMO.
How come you didn't see one of those doctors? Go to an HMO.
That's a good one, doc.
Oh, jeez.
Does the health department know about this? I'll see you tonight.
I can't wait.
Hey, how's it going? Can't complain.
Apparently not.
Out goes the sunshine, in comes the rain.
Come on, you can't possibly believe that that guy's right for her.
Well, why not? He's friendly, he's attentive, he's eager to please.
Yeah, he's a cocker spaniel.
Are you talking about Todd again? Oh, interesting, you hear the words "cocker spaniel" and you immediately think of Todd.
There's nothing wrong with Todd.
I didn't say there was.
I just think that you're compromising a little bit.
I mean, you're no idiot.
You should be going out with someone little more, I don't know, challenging.
Yeah, I know it's a little tight in the old biological clock department, but that doesn't mean you should sell yourself short, Reg.
Even your compliments suck.
Oh, come on, Reg, the guy is so boring.
I mean, nobody's that nice.
Look, there's nothing wrong with nice.
And since when did you become the dating expert? The last woman I saw you with was ticketing your car.
I happen to have a very satisfying personal life.
You're way off base.
Back me up on this, will you, Jake? No, she does have a good point there, John.
Yeah, super helpful.
Thank you.
Okay, if I'm so wrong, please tell me about your satisfying personal life.
Yeah, John, I was kind of curious about that myself.
When was the last time you had a date? Last time I had a date? Yeah.
That's what you wanna know? Well, it just so happens I have a date tonight.
Yeah, who with? With a woman named Kelly.
Yeah, she's the niece of a patient of mine.
As a matter of fact, she has personality plus, you know, and finds me very amusing.
Oh, a deaf girl.
Oh, boy, she sure got you there.
Yeah, she sure did, didn't she? How much pleasure can you possibly get from playing tricks on a blind man? To be honest, more than I ever imagined.
I don't care.
You can't just sneak in the back door and expect to see the doctor.
Unless it's an emergency, you need an appointment.
Yeah, I'd like to make an appointment.
Well, there's something you need to do first.
Here's $10.
I want you to go down to Goodwill and buy some clean clothes.
Then I want you to go to the Y and take a shower.
And when you're all finished and you think that you are really clean, I want you to go back in and take another shower.
Then come back and see me.
Margaret, that telephone number I threw away You haven't emptied trash yet, have you? Nope, but the question is are you desperate enough to go digging around in it? Ha-ha.
Yes, yes, I am.
Don't waste your time.
Doctor won't see you unless you shower first.
Hey, Jake, would you mind closing up tonight? Oh, no problem.
Now, that's strange.
Usually you wear Obsession, but tonight Playful.
Slightly precocious.
And a little bit bad.
Tommy Girl.
You're amazing.
If there's a way of enjoying a woman without seeing her, believe me, I've found it.
Well, someone looks very pretty tonight.
Oh, stop.
This old thing? Oh, Reggie, you look nice too.
Thank you, Todd.
I'm almost ready.
Hey, listen, I had to park three blocks away.
I'll go get the car.
No, that's okay.
I can walk with you.
Oh, no, I'll get it.
You're wearing heels.
If you twisted your ankle, I'd never forgive myself.
Good night, Jake.
Good night.
Jake, let me ask you something.
What do you think of Todd? He seems like a nice guy.
But not too nice, right? Oh, don't tell me you're worried about what Becker said.
Well, you know how he is.
I mean, he shoots his mouth off and before you know it he's got you doubting your own opinion.
Well, don't listen to him.
I don't.
That's why we're friends.
Now, look, if you like Todd, that's all that matters.
You're right.
Thank you.
Hey, Reg, I saw your friend Todd outside.
And? And nothing.
Hey, wearing long pants and everything.
Becker, we're closed.
Yeah, I know.
I'm just grabbing a smoke before my date.
Nervous? No, I've smoked before.
You know something? You look very nice.
You and Todd have a good time tonight.
Jake, I'll see you later.
See you, John.
Okay, what the hell was that supposed to mean? Well, unless he threw up some weird hand signals, I think he meant have a good time tonight.
Yeah, I guess.
Reg, stop torturing yourself.
Forget about Becker.
If you like Todd, that's all that matters.
You're right.
You know, you're absolutely right.
'Cause in a relationship, the most important thing is how two people feel about each other, all right? It doesn't matter if Reg? Reg? Okay, people, you have to say goodbye to a blind man when you leave the room.
Otherwise, it's just plain inconsiderate, because if you leave a brother here, talking to himself for hours-- Jake.
I'm sorry, I forgot to say goodnight.
Hey, no problem.
Hi, I'm Rusty, I'll be your waiter.
Can I tell you about tonight's specials? Actually-- We have striped Chilean Sea Bass.
Pan-seared with shiitake mushroom.
Free-range chicken breast stuffed with Andouille sausage accompanied by a vegetarian gumbo.
And our grilled double pork chop which comes in a cream reduction with just a splash of Vermouth.
That one's yummy.
Now, what can I get you? Rusty, sit down.
Now, first of all, you can drop the phoney sycophantic charm.
I don't need a new pal, just a waiter.
I want you to take a glass and put some vodka in it.
Not that stuffed andouille vodka, just normal human vodka.
Then take the splash of vermouth out of the doubled pork chops, put it in the glass, turning it into a free-range vodka martini.
Then bring it back here as fast as you can so I can drink it in peace.
Are you with me? Gotcha.
The chair.
Thank you.
Are you John Becker? Oh, is there a call for me? No.
I'm Kelly, Kelly Jordan.
You-- You're related to Mrs.
Jordan? Yes, she's my aunt.
Well, wow.
Sorry, John Becker.
Here, sit down, please.
Thank you.
Here we go.
Sorry, I'm a little late, but my dance class went a little longer than I expected.
You're a dancer? Yeah.
Country Western.
You know, line dancing.
It's just so much fun.
Line dancing.
I can't believe that guy just backed into your car and drove away like that.
Hey, what's done is done.
That's what insurance is for.
Most guys would still be outside screaming.
Well, I figure, why let it ruin the whole evening? What a great attitude.
Just great.
I'll have the Cobb Salad.
No egg, no bacon, no cheese, no dressing.
Are you sure you want the bowl? And for you, sir? Steak.
Steak Diane, Steak Bernaise-- Rusty, steak, meat, flame, plate, go.
So, Kelly.
Yeah? What kind of work do you do? In a way, the same thing you do.
I heal people.
You're a doctor? Well, practically.
I'm an aromatherapist.
You were stuck in the Lincoln Tunnel for three hours? That would have driven me insane.
Actually, I kind of enjoyed the time.
It gave me a chance to think about my life.
By the time I hit New Jersey, I was feeling pretty good.
It felt good to get to Jersey? Well, let me see.
What else can I tell you about myself? Um.
I'm a very romantic person.
I've seen Titanic 53 times.
There are moments when I feel like I'm actually on that ship.
Me too.
You actually don't mind paying taxes.
How could I? I use city services.
You can bet I'd be the first to call the fire department if my house was burning down.
There's gotta be something that bothers you.
Why? You're just so nice.
Well, what's wrong with nice? Well, there's nothing wrong with-- I've got it.
Pollution, you gotta hate pollution.
Well, of course I do.
Thank God.
But you have to admit, the city's a lot cleaner than it used to be.
You know, I was thinking.
After dinner we should go to a karaoke bar.
I go all the time.
They're really fun.
Oh, yeah, karaoke bar.
Great idea.
Because so often when I'm listening to Sinatra, I'm thinking: "wouldn't it be great "if I could just take Sinatra's voice out, and replace it with the off-key yowling of some drunk?" You're very tense.
Well, that's my hobby.
Look, Kelly, I'm gonna have to be honest with you.
If you and I were the last two people on this Earth, that would be the only thing that we have in common.
Now, I could-- I could sit here all night with my frozen smile, you know.
Walk you to your doorstep, promise to call, then run like hell for a cab, but what I'd like to do is skip directly to the run like hell for a cab, because if you think I'm hard to take now, you don't wanna be around me for even five minutes in a karaoke bar.
So I'm gonna do the biggest favor of your life.
I Dinner's on me.
I'm very, very sorry.
Look, we finished eating and no one's offered us coffee.
Doesn't that bother you? I hadn't noticed.
I was enjoying my time with you.
Yeah, yeah, it's magic.
What are you, a Keebler Elf? Did you grow up in a tree making cookies? Doesn't anything make you angry? Killer bees? Polka music? Furniture you have to assemble yourself? I don't care.
Pick one.
You know, I just thought of something I don't like.
I just can't be with somebody who's so angry.
I don't know what got into you.
Good morning, Reggie.
Can I have a cup of coffee? Hi, Becker.
I'm about to make you a very happy man.
Oh, yeah? Somebody else make the coffee? No, you were right and I was wrong.
Well, sure.
What are we talking about? You told me Todd wasn't right for me, and last night we broke up.
At least, I think that's what it means when a guy leaves you sitting alone in restaurant.
The guy walked out on you? The bastard.
No, he's not the bastard.
You are.
Well, why me? Because you wanted me to find something wrong with Todd and you wouldn't let up until I did.
Come on, I wasn't even there, Reggie.
I was just-- I was just offering you some opinions, that's all.
If I-I screwed anything up, I'm sorry, you know.
I mean, don't get me wrong, the guy is Gumby, but if I messed it up Doesn't matter.
It's too late anyway.
No, it's not too late.
Yeah, come on.
Tell him, make something up.
You know, tell him you were drunk.
Tell him it was all my fault.
I don't care, just call him, come on.
I can't.
Why not? Because he's boring.
You were right.
He was so damn nice, I wanted to hit him with a stick.
So you're saying you're upset about losing someone you don't even like? Well, you know, you're just a crazy person.
Hey, no argument here.
When it comes to men, you might as well put me in a straitjacket and spoon-feed me pudding.
Maybe not everybody's supposed to find someone.
Oh, now, don't do that.
Look, you don't have the market cornered on crazy, you know.
I mean, I've-- I've had two failed marriages, there's a long list of women who still refuse to talk to me, and the longest relationship I have is with the woman who runs the dry cleaning on the corner.
Susie? Who's that? Is that her name? Look, just don't be so hard on yourself.
Thanks, Becker.
I appreciate you telling me that.
You know, when you think about it, all you really lost was Todd.
And you were doing so well.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Look, dating's tough, you know, it's hard to find someone you really connect with.
You know, I got so wrapped up in myself.
I completely forgot to ask you.
How was your date? Mine? Well, I wasn't gonna bring it up, but as long as we're being honest It was fantastic.