Becker Episode Scripts

N/A - Man Plans, God Laughs

( upbeat blues theme playing ) Did you guys see the paper this morning? John, we keep going over this.
I'm blind.
I haven't seen anything for five years.
Yeah, well, it's unbelievable.
You know, some kid in West Virginia gets a bad grade, grabs his daddy's rifle, and shoots out his teacher's tires.
You know, another slice of Americana brought to you by those card-carrying lunatics who think they're defending the Second Amendment.
Lord knows, when I want the Constitution explained to me, the first place I turn to is to some toothless cretin with a third grade education and an Elmer Fudd cap.
Not that I have anything against hunting.
If it makes you feel more like a man to blow Bambi's head off, knock yourself out.
Just lock up the damn gun so when little Billy Bob, you know, flunks gym, he doesn't have a hissy fit and take out half the faculty.
Reg, we gotta get to the paper before he does so we can cut out everything that'll piss him off.
That pretty much leaves the weather and Charlie Brown.
Yeah, you know, I-- I hate that pathetic little clod.
How hard is it to kick a damn football? Can I help you? Get you some coffee? So Bob heard it right.
The rumor's true.
Reggie Kostas, high school prom queen, back in the old neighborhood.
What happened? Life in the fast lane get too dull for ya? Hm? So that's a "no" on the coffee? Don't remember Bob, do ya? Well, why should you? Bob wasn't hip enough.
Bob wasn't cool enough.
Bob wasn't disco enough for you and your in-crowd.
I'm guessing this is Bob.
The prom queen flipping burgers in her old man's diner.
That's really gotta sting at your age.
He makes a good point.
So is there something I can do for ya, Bob? Sure, now you want me.
Well, you're a little late.
But in case you're wondering what you passed up, I got the seventh biggest restaurant supply business in the tri-state area.
A couple of terrific kids, and a wife with two of the greatest knockers money can buy.
So, Miss All-That, you may have chilled Bob in high school, but out here in life, well, who's the loser now? The answer is you.
Bob was being rhetorical.
Can you believe that weird little dink? You were a prom queen? Yeah, did you have the-- The poofy white dress, the sash, and the tiara? ( chuckling ) Just put it down, boys, and nobody gets hurt.
Yeah, oh, please, Reg, wear the outfit to work.
Just once.
Oh, give her a break, John.
No way she still fits into that dress.
( laughing ) Let me ask you guys something.
How smart do you think it is to tick off the person who makes your food? 'Cause I could slip in all kinds of nasty things, and you'd never taste it.
And you'd never see it.
You ask me, Bob dodged a bullet.
Good morning.
Finally! You know, I'm not gettin' any younger.
You wanna get any older, drop the attitude.
Where have you been? ( sneezes ) Oh, what-- What is that? You sick? Oh, headache, sore throat, stuffy nose.
The whole megillah.
Well, don't stand around here feeling like that.
Go home.
No, it's all right, I'll get through the day.
Don't be ridiculous, you look terrible.
You know, go home.
Make your family sick.
Drum up some new business.
Oh, fine.
I'm sure Linda can handle things around here.
On second thought, you don't look that bad.
Oh, come on-- Ah, too late.
DeMarco is in 2, Mrs.
Forrester is your office.
And I'm not sure why Mr.
Gordon is here, but not my problem.
( laughing ) Linda, stop that.
Look, Margaret went home sick.
Here's the appointment book.
You're in charge.
I can't-- I can't do that.
I haven't been here that long.
And between you and me, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Yeah, well, trust me, your secret's out.
It's simple.
Appointments come first unless it's an emergency.
You know, a patient comes out, you send another one back.
Oh, sort of like landing planes at the airport.
So I'll be kind of like the air traffic controller.
Yeah, w-whatever.
Although that concept fills me with a dread you can't begin to imagine.
Sorry I'm late, Peter.
Do you think Elle Macpherson would go out with me? I don't know.
Ask your wife.
Oh, yeah.
( chuckling ): Yeah.
So, what's the verdict? Well, tests are all fine.
Your cholesterol's back down to where we want it.
You're in great shape.
Oh, I have to warn you though, next year it's the dreaded sigmoidoscopy.
Is that where they, uh? With the, uh ( whistles ) Yeah, yeah, basically we stick a camera in your pants and give you a wedgie.
( chuckles ) I can't wait.
Hey, did you see that Ranger game last night? Ah, yeah, it was a blood bath, wasn't it? How about that shot the goalie stopped in the second period? Oh, I hope he's had all the kids he wants.
( chuckling ): Yeah.
Hey, listen, I don't know if this, uh, If this goes against any doctor-patient rules, but, uh, I have an extra ticket for Friday night against the Flyers, interested? Oh, no, thanks a lot.
That's, uh I got-- Kind of got plans that night.
Oh, you got a date, huh? No.
There's this, uh, nature series I-I'm watching about turtles.
Uh, they're-- They're kind of endangered, and, uh, this would be the part where the turtles, um lay-- Lay the eggs.
UhFriday? Yeah.
Screw the turtles.
I'm in.
Thanks a lot.
All right.
You were in last week.
What's wrong? I'm dying.
We're all dying.
Yeah, but I'm dying next Tuesday.
Look, I was on this elevator yesterday, and all of a sudden this voice out of nowhere started singing, "Goodbye, Ruthie, Tuesday.
" You hear me? It was like a-- A message from God.
N-no, no, it's "Ruby Tuesday.
" It's a Rolling Stones song.
And although you're roughly the same age as the Stones, I don't think-- I don't think they were singing about you.
Forrester, you're doing just fine.
I don't usually make guarantees, but if you drop dead Tuesday, you come straight back here, I'll give you your money back.
Maybe you're right.
But I do have to make some decisions about my final arrangements, and I was hoping you could help.
Me? No, my job is to keep you alive.
After that, you're on your own.
Please, I promise I won't tell anyone you were nice to me.
Oh, all right.
Oh, thank you.
I could've talked this over with my husband, except he died before me.
But that was just like Harold.
No matter what, he always had to finish first.
Way, way too much sharing.
( doorbell rings ) ( sighs ) Hello, sir.
Have you given any thought to the afterlife? It depends.
Are you two gonna be there? Well, yes, sir.
That's why we're here, in fact-- ( knocking on door ) WOMAN: Dr.
Becker? How do people find out where I live? Mrs.
Forrester, what are you doing here? I was in the neighborhood, so I figured I'd drop off these casket brochures.
Oh, how thoughtful.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're in the middle of dinner.
I-I'm imposing.
Well, kind of.
But, that's all right.
Let me just, uh I'll give these a look-see, here.
Thank you.
I-I got my eye on the mahogany casket with the gold handles.
I'll be eager to hear what you think.
Right about now I'm thinking Ziploc bag and a catapult.
Jake, I'm looking at some brochures, here.
If you were gonna pick a casket, would you go with the "rich, deep texture of mahogany" or "the sleek sporty lines of aluminum"? Frankly, I'd prefer to stick with the bumpy, jostley feeling of walking around.
Why are you picking out a casket? Oh, it's for one of my patients.
Boy, you give up easy, don't ya? REGGIE: Oh, God.
That's right.
Bob's back.
On his previous visit, Bob may have been a tad harsh.
True, you were a stuck-up bitch in high school, but bygones are bygones.
Hug? I'd rather set myself on fire.
Ah, you missed your chance, loser.
So, uh, the next time you're scraping grease off the grill, you think about Bob.
Well, you know that I mean.
Bye, Bob.
Can you believe that little creep just walks in here and calls me a loser? I mean, maybe this isn't Tavern on the Green, but that doesn't make me a loser.
Excuse me.
What? You're from the Science Club? You want a piece of me too? I-I don't think so.
Actually, I was just looking for-- Oh, there he is.
Hey, Peter.
Uh, your office told me I'd find you here.
Listen, I have a late meeting.
I wanted to give you your ticket.
Is it okay if we just meet at the Garden? Yeah, no problem.
I would've left it with the girl at the office, but, uh, it seems a little chaotic over there.
By the way, is, uh--? Is she new? To pretty much everything, yeah.
Umwhat--? What's going on? Uh, well, let's just say we'll probably see less violence at the hockey game.
( all shouting ) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! What's going on here? This is a doctor's office, not an Iranian pep rally! Everybody, sit down.
Not you.
What's going on? Okay, this whole appointment thing is not working for me.
Well-- But I've come up with something new.
What if I changed the exam room numbers to letters? So in Room A would be Mrs.
Shelton with arthritis.
See? A in A.
Go on.
Okay, then in Room B, I could put Mr.
Gordon with bursitis.
And in Room C, that guy with cataracts.
If I could find him.
He was kind of wandering all over the place.
We have three exam rooms.
That's A, B and C.
What happens if someone comes in with, oh, I don't know, M for "migraine"? Headache.
A for "ache.
" Pregnancy? B for "baby.
" X-ray? C for "see-through.
" Is this really that tough to follow? Just send them back.
Colitis, you're on deck.
( phone rings ) ( raspy voice ): Hello? She wants to bring the patients in alphabetically, Margaret.
She's turning the place into Sesame Street.
"How am I feeling?" Oh, thank you for asking.
I'm feeling a little better.
I was going to ask.
I'm-- I'm just a little rushed here.
Peter DeMarco and I are gonna go to the Rangers game.
At this rate, I'm never gonna get outta here.
You're kidding? You're going out? That's not like you.
Well, uh, w-why is that so hard to believe? You know, I like having a good time.
I like people.
No, you don't.
I'm trying to like people.
It's just, you know, so hard to weed through the stupid ones.
You--? You gonna--? You gonna help me or not? All right.
I will drag myself out of my bed and spend one hour on the subway so that you can get to your precious hockey game.
"Thank you, Margaret.
" I was gonna say "thank you.
" You know, nobody gives me a chance.
( sarcastically ): Aw.
Oh, there you are.
I brought in several dresses.
What do you think about this one? Uh, fine, I guess.
What are you dressing up for? Eternity.
Forrester, isn't there someone else you can talk to? A friend? Family? Just a sister in San Diego.
But she's completely loopy.
Last week, she drove her scooter right into a mural of the sunset.
Doctor, my granddaughter just had a baby.
Any chance I'll get out of here in time for his graduation? Your x-rays are fine, Mr.
I'll go over them with you in a minute here.
Let me-- You know something? I want-- I want you to meet Mrs.
Now, she's having a little trouble pickin' out a dress for a very special occasion.
Maybe you could give her a hand.
Forty years in the Garment Centre.
I think I could be of some help.
Uh, if the lady doesn't mind.
Oh, I'd be flattered.
Just call me "Dr.
Becker, Geriatric Pimp.
" Okay, Mrs.
Kapelos, you're gonna be just fine.
A couple weeks, you're gonna be flat on your back, your legs up in the air, screaming like a banshee.
Pretty much what put you in that condition in the first place.
Okay who's next? We're done.
I've seen the entire alphabet? Yep, except for Mrs.
I sent her to get her roots done.
I know she was here for a flu shot, but the hair problem was way worse.
Sorry it took so long.
Some lunatic was on the subway tracks in a Superman outfit screaming that he was more powerful than a locomotive.
He wasn't.
Where is everyone? Well, you-- You know, Margaret, I think I was a little premature in giving you a call, there.
Um, looks like we're done.
Oh, I know I didn't just hear you say that.
Don't worry, your job's safe.
I know my limitations, and I'm so far past them, you have no idea.
Oh, that reminds me, there's some cups in the bathroom with pee in them.
And there's some labels on your desk with patients' names.
I'm not sure which belongs to which.
Good night.
Well, you-- You look much better.
I mean, that-- That fresh air did you a world of good.
Oh, yeah, Mrs.
Forrester, I'm sorry.
I got a little carried away there.
Uh, if you wanna go over the brochure-- Oh, that.
I think I decided which cruise to take.
Cruise? What about the cas--? Shh! You want him to think I'm some kind of a nut? Good night.
She's a hottie.
I-I don't know how to thank you.
Well, just seeing the two of you leave is thanks enough.
Stay well.
( phone rings ) Dr.
Becker's office.
It's Peter DeMarco's secretary.
Hi, uh, Dr.
When? How? Yes, ahem.
Well, thank you very much.
John? It's Peter DeMarco he collapsed at his desk this afternoon.
Massive cerebral hemorrhage.
Paramedics rushed him to Mount Sinai.
He didn't make it.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing? I gave him a complete work-up, Margaret.
He was fine.
Damn it.
John, you didn't miss anything.
You know as well as I do that it was probably an aneurysm that he had his whole life.
This could've happened at any time.
You know, this does not make sense.
The last two days, I've been planning a funeral with some woman who's out on a date, and making plans with some guy who's on his way to a funeral.
( sighs ) I could tell you that it was God's will, but I know you don't wanna hear that.
Truth is, Margaret, I envy you and your Bible.
You know, at least it's someplace to look for answers.
I have one in my desk.
Would you like to look at it? No, thanks.
Then I'd be one of those people who reads the Bible.
You know, I have a-- I have a bottle of Scotch in my desk.
You wanna join me? No, thanks.
But my way won't give you a headache tomorrow.
Wanna bet? Maybe you and I oughta just, uh, stick to what works for us.
I guess.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Ah, thank you.
Actually, I'm gonna just Ahem, I'm gonna sit here for a while.
Good night, John.
What are you doing? Eating pie.
( register dings ) I can see that.
Do you usually sweat when you eat? It's really good pie.
Yeah, it must be.
What the hell happened to all my cigarettes? I bummed a few.
You don't smoke.
I had to do something while I was waiting for the pie to be delivered.
You know, I'm a medically trained professional.
Let me take a stab at this.
You're upset.
It's Bob.
Bob? That little dink from my high school.
( groans ) He was right about me.
I'm nowhere, I have no plans.
Yeah, well, plans are overrated.
They change.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
And I'm stuck here in this stupid diner.
Oh, come on, don't say that.
Come on, that's not true.
You're smart, you're talented.
You know, I have no doubt you're gonna achieve whatever you set your mind to.
That's it? That's the best you can do? Give me the cigarettes.
No, hang on.
Hey, don't do that.
Forget the cigarettes.
They're bad for ya.
And you're-- And you're wasting them.
I stink at giving advice.
If I was any good at giving advice, I-- I'd give some to myself, you know? I have as many problems as anybody else.
Have some pie.
No, then I'd just be one of those people who eats pie.
Okay, so you stink at the big picture.
Got any words of wisdom to get me through the night? You know, what I like to do is, uh, find someone who's even more miserable than me.
And then hang out with them.
Hey, that's not bad.
I could call Mary Anne Mahoney.
She's been divorced three times, gained 50 pounds, and she works in a tollbooth.
Now, her life's in the toilet.
There you go.
See, now you're all happy again.
Good night.
Hey, Becker? Did you mean what you said? Absolutely.
About what? Me being smart and talented and able to do anything I want.
Well, how can I say no to that? Thank you.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My pleasure.
Have a nice weekend.
I'm just gonna go grab some Chinese food and go home.
Wait a minute, I thought you were gonna go to a Ranger game with that, uh, friend of yours.
No, like I said, plans change.
Good night.
( upbeat blues theme playing )