Becker Episode Scripts

N/A - City Lights

Oh, God Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.
City of New York Department of Public Works Yeah, right.
Like anything in this city works.
Yeah, I want-- Oh, crap.
Voicemail.
Yes, yes, I have a touch-tone phone.
It's the nineties.
I also have indoor plumbing.
Yes, I speak English.
You asked me in English.
Yes, I have a complaint.
I'm talking to voicemail.
Yeah, oh, finally, yeah, listen, I want to leave a message.
It's about a broken streetlight on Kaden Avenue.
If it's not fixed by tomorrow, I'm coming down there, and I'm gonna kick every one of your flabby asses up to and including Mayor Giuliani.
And if you got a problem with that, come and get me.
My name is John-- Uh --Lo mein.
It's-- Um, it's French.
Au revoir.
Margaret, I'd like to schedule a time when I can talk with you.
Okay, let's talk now.
Oh, technically I'm on break for another three minutes, so Linda, what is it? Okay.
It occurred to me that Dr.
Becker has his office, and you have this area here, but as the third member of the "team," I feel I'm entitled to a workspace of my own.
First of all, don't make those little "quote-y" fingers at me.
I hate that.
And second of all, no.
Okay, okay, I was expecting some initial resistance, and I'm prepared.
According to a survey from a leading business publication, "employees who have their own work space are not only happier, but more productive and efficient.
" Still no.
We don't have any room.
What about the unused space in there in the kitchen? It's only unused because you aren't doing the work I left there for you.
But the fact that you left work there for me means you already think of it as my workspace.
Only until you finish the work, and then it's the kitchen again.
So if I don't finish the work, then I'll always have a workspace.
If you don't finish the work, you won't work here anymore.
I'm getting a headache.
Not me.
I could do this all day.
Well, then can I at least bring in a few things from home, make me feel more comfortable? Linda-- You have things from home.
You have pictures, that vase, this stupid, dangly, leggy doll thing This happens to have a lot of sentimental value.
My father gave this to me when I was just-- Uh, Margaret, ticktock.
I've got work piling up.
All right, all right.
You can bring one thing from home.
Just one.
One thing from home.
Just one.
What was that? Thank you, Margaret.
Good morning, John.
It sucks.
Or not.
I didn't get any sleep last night.
A damn street light was flickering outside my window all night long.
Can you imagine that? Eight hours.
On, off, on, off, on, off.
You know-- You know how annoying that is? I'm familiar with the concept, yes.
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.
Not so fast.
Uh, Timothy Fryer is in Three with a possible strep throat.
Lenny Kramer is in Two.
You need to check his x-rays, and this-- You know what? This is sounding like a really busy morning.
You know what would help me out? If I could find someone to call the city for me-- Uh-uh.
I know where this is going, and the answer is "no.
" Your streetlight did not keep me awake, and I am not your personal assistant.
Yes, clearly not.
You know something? This is just gonna drag on and on.
I'm not gonna get any more sleep, and you know what happens then? I start to get a little cranky.
Just suck it up.
Anger doesn't solve anything.
You're a big boy.
You have a problem, deal with it like an adult.
Margaret, the whole-- And don't give me that little pouty face.
I am not your mother.
You complain, complain.
Now, off you go.
Off you go Uh, what was that? Thank you, Margaret.
Hey, Lenny.
How's the wrist doing? Um, the broken one? Uh, okay, all right, let's-- Let's talk about that one.
Shall we? Okay, let's see here.
Wow, realignment's pretty much what I expected, strong callus formations along the radius there.
See, that's the part with It's, uh, looking good.
Looking good.
Whew.
That's a relief.
I didn't know where you were going with that.
Yeah, yeah.
Relax.
You're gonna be playing ball in no time.
Just next time you get in a fight with your girlfriend, don't punch a hole in the wall, all right? Remember, anger doesn't solve anything.
You know, just, just suck it up.
You got a problem, you just deal with it like an adult.
You mean drink? No, no, I don't.
Uh, speaking of drinking, though, have you nailed down where you're going to college? Not yet.
Coach wants me to pitch for Stanford, but Yeah.
who wants to go to school in Connecticut, right? Oh, boy.
I tell you, this country's in a lot of trouble.
Linda? I'll be there in a minute, Margaret.
I-- Now.
Linda, do you know anything about the dog in Dr.
Becker's office? Yeah, his name is Gus.
He likes his belly rubbed.
But who doesn't? If you have any of those liver treats on you, he-- Get him out of here.
But you said I could bring in one thing to the office.
That is not a thing.
That is a dog.
Don't tell Gus that.
He thinks he's a person.
Well, so do you, but we digress.
Now, let me put it this way: One of you has to go, and if he can file, your days are numbered.
Oh, this is great.
Richard Hammel's conducting an evening of Vivaldi tonight.
You wanna go? Not even if they restored my sight during intermission.
You really don't like classical music, do you? No, I love classical music.
Hate Richard Hammel.
I find his interpretation of Vivaldi to be hopelessly pedestrian.
He races through the emotional passages, and he's too flowery where the music simply calls for restraint.
But hey, if you like it, you go right ahead.
Oh, come on, lady, I've seen continents drift faster than this.
Would it make it easier on you if we just put all the old people on skates? Yes, it would.
Just give me some coffee, will you? I just spent the last half hour on the phone with the city trying to get them to fix this flickering streetlight outside my apartment.
And they told me to forget it.
It doesn't pose a serious enough threat to public safety, which just proves they have no idea how pissed off I am.
Well, I sure don't have any complaints about the city.
They give me whatever I want.
Beeping traffic signals, Braille in elevators, building addresses in Braille.
It's almost as if they have nothing else to do.
Hey, Jake, why don't you call the city for me? You know, do that pitiful blind guy thing you do.
Come on, maybe they'd go for it.
Anyone else see a flaw in that logic? A blind guy complaining about a flickering streetlight? You just killed that ray of hope.
Do you have anything to put in its place? As a matter of fact, once the sidewalk in front of the diner was cracked, and my dad started a petition.
The city fixed it within a week.
Well, your dad's dead so he's no help.
You know what? I got it.
Here's what you do: draw something up, get everyone who comes in here to sign it.
As soon as there's something wrong with my streetlight, that's exactly what I'll do.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot.
You're from the "Me" generation.
Yeah, we got a website and everything.
So, Jake, you sure you don't want to reconsider the Vivaldi concert? Yep.
Vivaldi? Oh, let me guess.
You hate Vivaldi.
You hate people who like Vivaldi, people who go to concerts to hear Vivaldi, and anyone named Vivaldi.
Quit saying Vivaldi, will you? It just so happens that Four Seasons is some of my favorite music.
Your-- Your daddy used to play it when we were having poker games.
Vivaldi at a poker game? That's quite a manly bunch you had there.
Did you braid each other's hair too? Jake, hot coffee.
That's a good one, John.
Almost as good as the jigsaw puzzle you got me for Christmas.
I liked that one too.
That was a good one.
When I was growing up, my dad played Four Seasons all the time.
But he tried to fool me.
He'd play "Winter" on the first day of spring, and "Spring" on the first day of summer, and "Summer" on the first day-- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, your dad was hilarious.
Well, here's an idea.
Why don't the two of you go together? Well, why not? You both like Vivaldi.
What's the big deal? Becker, there's like no chance in hell you'd ever want to go to a concert with me, is there? I didn't think so.
Whoa, whoa.
Hold-- Hold on.
I'm still a little dizzy from that gracious invitation.
Okay, you know, what the hell? But we don't have to go out to dinner first, though, do we? I mean, it's such a hassle.
No, that's okay.
Oh, buy the girl a meal.
How cheap are you? I'm not cheap.
I-- I just don't like going downtown during rush hour.
So take her out after the concert.
You can't have a meal after 10:00? What are you, like, 90? No, I, I, I-- All I'm saying is those places are usually very crowded.
If that's all right with you.
That's fine with me.
Is it okay with you, Jake? It's got nothing to do with me.
I'll see you tonight, Becker.
I got your hot coffee right here.
Hi there.
How are you today? Look, I'm, uh, circulating a petition to get the broken streetlight outside fixed.
Uh, stay away from us.
You're the one who slammed the door in our faces when my Tiffany was selling cookies.
Oh, yeah, uh, right.
Look, look, I thought you were that lesbian with her dwarf girlfriend who used to live in the building.
You know, they-- They stole my tools.
Oh, hey, come-- You know, who--? Who lets their kid go door to door selling crap nobody wants anyway? You know, where-- Where's your kid at two in the morning when I need cigarettes? Oh, hi there, neighbors.
Um, I represent a coalition of tenants who are petitioning the city to fix a dangerously malfunctioning streetlight.
Uh, leave us alone.
You've caused us enough trouble.
All right, all right-- Whoa.
Wait-- I'm sorry I called the cops that night.
But you-- You were loitering outside my apartment making a hell of a racket.
We were singing Christmas carols.
Well, yeah, sure, in-- In hindsight.
You wanna sign a petition? Gee, I don't know.
What's it for? Oh, uh, well, it's-- It's to fix the broken streetlight outside.
It's flashing all night long.
I can't get any sleep.
I know what you mean.
It's been bugging me too.
Really? Yeah.
But just knowing how much it bothers you gives me the strength I need to endure hell itself until you've either moved out or died.
Okay.
That's one "undecided.
" Yes, I'm still here.
You didn't think anyone was crazy enough to stay on hold this long, did you? Yeah, no, forget it.
Your name is what again? Martinez, right.
And you work for the Department of Sanitation? Perfect.
Listen first of all, let me tell you, I love what you guys do.
You do great work.
Anyhoo, I-- I got a question for you.
Say-- Say you got a-- You got a broken, uh-- Broken table lamp, you know? And you put it out in the garbage.
You guys come pick that up, right? Right.
Well, I, I got a broken streetlight outside my-- My window here.
I want you guys to come haul it away.
No, no, no, don't transfer me to Public Works.
They hate me there.
I-- I know it's late.
You've got a family to go home to.
You know, hey, I've got a family too, pal.
You know, the light's driving us all nuts.
You know, little Bobby hasn't been able to finish his homework, and Janie hasn't slept for days.
Janie, stop crying.
Nice man's gonna fix everything for us.
Well, why not, for God's sake? It's garbage.
You guys pick up garbage, right? Just come pick it up.
Hello? Hello? Oh, man.
Aw, jeez.
Psst.
This is nice.
Good seats too.
Shh.
Right.
Quiet.
Right.
Psst.
You know what I can't understand is how the city can build a beautiful hall like this, but they can't manage to change one stinking light bulb.
Let it go.
Enjoy the music.
You're right.
Psst.
I'm right, though, aren't I? I mean, all I need is one ladder, one guy, one light bulb.
Shh.
Sorry.
Psst.
Would you stop making that ridiculous noise? You're driving me crazy.
Oh.
No, no, no, see, I-- I didn't mean you.
Uh, Tourette's Syndrome.
Damn you.
Damn you.
We may have to increase the medication.
What the hell? Psst.
If I ever invite you to do anything with me again, shoot me.
Linda, do you remember that discussion we had yesterday about you leaving your dog at home? Yeah.
Well, then who exactly is licking my ankle right now? He likes you.
Uh, here's the thing.
See, yesterday when you said I could bring in one personal item and did not rule out dogs, I fired my dog walker.
Now the soonest I can get him back is next week.
So this is simply gonna have to do.
End of story.
End of story? Oh, Margaret, look at this face.
How can you say "no" to this face? Oh, all right.
Just for today.
But he has to stay in the storeroom, and he doesn't bother the patients, he doesn't bother Dr.
Becker, and he doesn't bother me.
And that last one is the most important.
All right, all right.
It's okay, Gus.
The storeroom isn't so bad.
Sometimes I spend hours in there.
Look, I don't care if it takes a light bulb, a tiki torch or 1000 flatulent fireflies.
Just stop the flickering.
Can you hold a sec? Margaret.
Oh, sorry.
He got out of the storeroom.
Somehow he learned how to work a doorknob.
Push.
Then pull.
You gotta be kidding me.
Look, I did not invent the prostate exam.
Believe me, if I had, we would be doing this through the mail.
But, I mean, my God Mr.
Williams, I haven't slept in two days, so forgive me if I'm not my usual cheery self.
But how the hell'd you think I was gonna examine your prostate? Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, I didn't really know where it was.
I just figured you'd you have me open my mouth and say "ah.
" My arm's not that long.
Now, come on, suck it up here, will you, please? John.
Yes? What? We need you out here.
Well, come in.
It's all right.
What? We have an emergency.
Male, 33, just walked in.
Rat bite.
Uh, no meds, no allergies.
Uh, his last tetanus was three years ago.
He's pretty anxious.
Mr.
Williams, will you give me a minute? Please, take all the time you need.
Just-- Just try and relax, will you? I haven't relaxed since you snapped on that glove.
Hi there, I'm John Becker.
Hear you got bit by a rat.
A rat? Yeah.
A big rat.
A big fat greasy rat bit me on my leg, and I'm thinking maybe I got rabies.
Which is why I came to see you.
I thought I'd better see somebody quick instead of waiting till I got downtown to a real doctor.
Oh, I only meant-- Whatever, whatever.
Just take your pants down so I can see what's going on, all right? I was making a speech over on Webster Avenue A speech? What kind of speech? Oh, the city's constructing a park.
You know, underprivileged kids, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Look, I'm scared to death here.
Do you think I have rabies? I seriously doubt it, but why don't you hop up there and we'll take a look? Rabies is very rare.
In all my years of practice, I've never seen a single case.
But just to safe, I'll give you some antibiotics.
Oh, that's a relief.
So you were making a speech, huh? What are you, a somebody? I'm Henry Millman.
I'm one of the Executive Assistants to the Borough President.
This borough? The Bronx? No, Staten Island.
I'm vacationing overseas.
Look, I'm in a hurry here, so if you don't mind, is this gonna take long? You know, maybe you could help me out here.
I got a problem with a streetlight outside my apartment.
It-- It flickers.
I'm not sure you realize what an Executive Assistant does, but I can assure you it is not fixing streetlights.
Ah.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm in a hurry here, so please-- Yes, I'm sure you are.
Can you just give me a second? Margaret! Hand me your pants there, will you, please? Margaret, why don't you take Mr.
Millman's pants and, uh, keep 'em some place safe? We may have to run some tests on these.
What tests? Just take the pants.
Um, what kind of tests? Do you know anything about rodent DNA? No.
Then we'll be testing your pants for rodent DNA.
Now, while I've got you here, why don't we talk about my streetlight, and whom you might call on my behalf.
I told you, I don't have time.
No, you don't have pants.
Okay, I know you can do this, Lenny.
Boy, whoever lives there is gonna be pissed.
Yeah, but I'll get over it.
Now focus.
Bottom of the ninth, score's tied, bases loaded, three-two count.
This pitch could mean the entire game, Lenny.
Nice one, kid.
Glad to help.
But I don't get it.
I thought you said adults were supposed to handle their problems in a mature way.
Hey, what the hell are you doing down there? Uh, tried.
It didn't work.
Run, Lenny!