Becker Episode Scripts

N/A - Choose Me

More.
Please.
Yeah.
Why don't you just bang your cup on the table? Quite a little life I've carved out for myself.
Hey, John, what are you doing? Oh, I'm driving myself crazy.
I got a case I can't figure out.
Tell me about it.
Maybe I can help.
Oh, okay, fine, doctor.
Male, late '20s, suffering from persistent fatigue.
Initial tests for anaemia, thyroid disorder and mononucleosis, all negative.
Hm.
Well, did you run a full cootie panel? Get out of here.
All right, I'm sorry.
Give me a second to think about this.
Yeah, you do that.
I'll, uh, be right back.
Can you hear me? Oh, jeez.
I can hear you.
No.
Now, you're dropping out.
Can you hear me? Damn.
Do you believe that guy? Oh.
Yeah.
Okay, uh, now, I got you.
For the next 20 minutes, you can get me on the cell phone.
Then I'm at the office.
If you can't find me there, try my pager.
You got that? Hello? Oh, you know, who the hell is this guy, the president? Does he have the launch codes or something? I mean, how inflated does your ego have to be to think that the Earth's gonna spin off its axis if you miss a call? Frankly, I'd pay extra for a device that would make it harder for the world to find me.
I bet the world would pitch in and buy it for you too.
You're not coming back, are you? What-- What do you think? Okay, now, I hear you.
What's going on? Really? Really? That's great.
I'm on my way.
Hey, Mr.
Cell Phone.
What-- What's so damned important? My wife just went into labor.
I'm gonna be a dad.
So just how big a schmuck do you feel like now? Is he pretending to read the paper? Shut up, Jake, will you? But, uh-- How much do I owe you? Oh, you're gonna be in debt for the next 21 years.
It's on the house.
Thanks.
That's really nice of you.
Oh, man, my hockey tickets.
Uh, look, these are for the Rangers game Friday night, centre ice.
Why don't you take them? 'Cause, uh, I can't go, can I? No, no, of course, I can't.
Here, take them.
Rangers, Flyers.
Are these good tickets? Oh, are you kidding? That's been sold out forever.
I'd love to go.
Yeah, well, so would I.
Screw you.
I asked first.
That-- That doesn't mean anything.
Reg, take me.
Hm.
I've got something you both want.
This is gonna be fun.
May I have everyone's attention, please? In the event of a germ-carrying cough or sneeze, you will find a very useful appliance at the end of your arm.
It is called your hand.
Simply place it over your nose or your mouth to prevent the germs from disembarking and landing on the person in the seat next to you.
If you are unable to comply, please note the exits at the front and the rear of the office.
Thank you.
You know, I wanted to be a flight attendant but I get air sick.
Which is odd 'cause I don't get seasick or carsick.
Linda.
You know what makes me sick? Linda.
Sorry.
Merry-go-rounds.
Linda, don't you have any work to do? Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.
Did it ever occur to you that I could be more useful around here? Every single day.
Good.
Because I was thinking I could do patient check-ins.
You know, height, weight, blood pressure? I don't think so.
Well, what if Dr.
Becker says I can? Fine.
If the doctor says you can do it, it's okay with me.
Thank you.
Like that's gonna happen.
Dr.
Becker, Margaret says it's okay for me to do patient check-ins if it's okay with you.
So is it? Is it what? Okay with you? Yeah, yeah.
Whatever Margaret says is fine with me.
He said it was okay.
I heard.
Why did you tell her it was okay? Tell her what was okay? You just told her that she could do patient check-ins.
I did? I don't want her to do that.
Well, neither do I.
Don't you see what's happening here? I tell her no, she runs straight to you.
You know, she's gonna have to learn this sometime, Margaret.
Why do I always have to be the bad guy? Look, I hired her.
It's your job to raise her.
Doctor's office.
It's Bill Hernik.
He's calling about his test results.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, Bill, how you feeling? Still no energy, huh? Well, so far the tests are inconclusive.
But, look, why don't you come down tomorrow morning, and we'll take another look? Okay, good.
Oh, poor guy.
Six weeks ago, he's in Bermuda on his honeymoon.
Now, he barely has enough energy to get out of bed.
I don't get it.
What-- What am I missing here? Yeah, Dr.
Julie Yates in, please? John Becker.
Yes, I'll hold.
Love lift us up Where we belong Where the eagles Julie, yeah, John.
Uh, look, I-- I need something from you.
No.
No, not sex.
I-- I need help on a case I-I-I'm working on.
Yes, yes, you're right.
I usually only do call about sex but can't this-- Can't this be different? What are you doing? Oh, the counter was kind of sticky so I thought I'd wipe it down for you.
Look, Jake, not that I don't enjoy all this sucking up.
But if you want the hockey ticket, you'll have to do better than this.
After all, there are other men in my life.
Hello, losers.
That's right, Bob's back.
I've got to get a bug zapper in here.
Notice anything different about Bob? You shed a layer of skin? You're closer than you think.
Bob had a makeover.
I've been loofahed, polished, waxed and buffed to a high sheen.
I've had a facial and for the first time in the salon's history, a backal.
I'll show you later.
Thank God, I'm blind.
Bob's also wearing a new cologne made from the sex gland of the South American big-horned sheep.
Go ahead, take a whiff.
No.
Look, you keep coming in here saying we went to high school together and for the last time, I don't know you.
Nobody knew Bob in high school.
Bob spent all of those years hanging upside down with his head in the toilet.
Oh, Bob.
Yeah, that's right.
Now, try, "Oh, God.
Oh, Bob.
" Get out.
Now, if he's my competition for the hockey game, just give me my ticket now.
Hockey game? Bob loves hockey.
Go.
Hey, Slick, how's it going? I don't like that guy.
Coffee, please? Weird question.
Does anyone else smell sheep? Looking for lunch or did you just come in to suck up for the hockey ticket? Lunch.
I do not suck up.
It's a hockey game.
No big deal.
Oh, so you don't wanna go? I didn't say that.
But do you really wanna go to the game with someone who's gonna be leaning over every two minutes saying: "What just happened? What just happened?" What's that supposed to mean? It means that you can't see so giving you the ticket would be-- And I mean this in the nicest way possible.
--insane.
Hey, hey, listen, I can appreciate going to a game.
I mean, the noise, the excitement, the crowd.
What would be insane would be for her to take you.
I mean, think about it, Reggie.
Do you wanna spend all night listening to him bitch that the beer's flat, the food stinks, the floor's sticky, the fans are dumb? Take me.
Or better still, why don't you take him to the rink at Rockefeller Centre sing "O Canada" and tell him it's a hockey game.
If this is about my car blocking your space, I'm not moving.
If this is about my laundry in all the machines, it's not moving.
If this is about-- It's Julie.
Oh, uh, come on in.
It's open.
Hi, John.
Hey.
Hope you don't mind me dropping by like this.
Absolutely not.
You look well.
So how you been? Oh, I'm going nuts working on this case I called you about.
There really was a case? Yeah.
I just thought that was your excuse to call like that time that I pretended to leave my earrings here.
You pretended? I tore this place upside down looking for those.
Didn't I show you how much I appreciated that? Yes, yes, you did.
I was in surgery resecting a bowel and, well, all I could think of was you.
Oh, how flattering.
But I'm so glad you came by.
Th-- This is making me crazy.
I mean, every test I run ends up showing me nothing.
John? There's really no romantic way to put this.
I have to be back on call by midnight.
Oh.
O-O-Oh I see.
This is about sex.
If history has taught us anything, uh-huh.
Jeez, Julie, actually I'm kind of busy here.
Oh, hey, I understand.
If this is a bad time-- No, no, hey-- Um, no, no, absolutely not.
Please, st-- Stay, stay.
I-- I can do this.
Sit down, sit down.
Come on, sit down.
So y-y-you changed your hair? Mm-hm.
You like it? So y-y-you changed your hair.
That's enough small talk for me.
You know,-- You know, it's absolutely driving me nuts.
I mean, I've checked his liver functions, CBC, blood sugar, thyroid, and I keep coming up with nothing.
It's all normal.
John, not now.
But what am I missing here? What should I be looking for? John, I have exactly one hour to be a woman before I turn back into a doctor again.
Couldn't this wait? Oh, you're right.
I'm sorry.
I-- I'm with you now.
Come here.
Any weight loss or fever? Well, not yet but we just started.
No, no, no.
Your case.
I was just thinking that you could be looking at an occult malignancy.
Maybe, uh, Hodgkin's.
No, no, I thought of that.
I thought of that.
It didn't check out.
Did you check his sed rate? Yeah, I did but-- I could-- I could-- We could check it again.
C-Can I show you his file? Thank you.
Oh, God, this is great.
John, you are the only guy I know that when I offer to play doctor, really wants to play doctor.
Margaret, Mr.
-- I believe the doctor said I could check in a patient and you haven't let me do that yet.
I know what the doctor said but I don't think you're ready-- Margaret, please, I've watched you do it a thousand times.
I know the procedures.
Let me show you how professional I can be.
All right.
Go ahead.
You can take care of Mr.
Hernik.
Okay.
Mr.
Hernik, why don't you go on back to Room 1? Okay.
I'm just going to toast myself a bagel.
I was gonna share it with him.
Okay, I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Oh, Mrs.
Pankow, I'm sorry.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Uh, those things tie in the back for a reason, you know.
I'm sorry you had to see that.
Come on.
Did you know you're my first patient check-in? That means I'll remember you forever.
Just like the first boy I ever kissed.
What was his name? Isn't that funny? You remember something your whole life and then suddenly it's just pops right out of your head.
Well, if I can't remember his name, you don't have a shot in hell.
This is starting to hurt.
Oh, sorry.
Booo Okay.
Good.
Well, you've been really, really nice.
I'm gonna make a note of that on your chart.
Doctor, here's Mr.
Hernik's chart.
For my first check-in, I think it went very well.
And, unlike my first time cutting hair, neither one of us cried.
Hey, Bill.
I know you're not feeling very well but according to your chart, you're "really, really nice.
" I-- I try.
So you're still feeling the same? Yeah, it's like I told you.
I've got no energy a-and now there's this thing with my stomach.
Yeah, we're gonna check that today.
It's just starting to affect every part of my life.
It's my job and my marriage.
Every day I keep hoping I'll wake up and feel normal again but I don't.
I wish I could look your symptoms up in a book and tell you the answer, but it's not that simple.
To be honest, I'm really starting to get worried here.
Well, don't be.
We're gonna nail this.
I promise you.
Now, I'm gonna wanna re-examine you, get some more blood, take a chest x-ray.
Okay.
Uh, are you gonna take that x-ray yourself or is--? Linda? No, no, no, we clear the building before we even let her use a microwave.
Reg, can I touch your face? Excuse me? Uh, it must sound strange but the way guys talk about you, you must be beautiful and I just wanted to know for myself.
Jake, I don't know what to say.
Sure, go ahead.
Oh, my.
Oh, now I-- Now I understand.
You really are beautiful.
Thank you.
But you're still not getting the hockey ticket.
Oh.
Well, in that case, you got a little moustache coming in.
See you.
Hello, Jake.
Hello.
So did you get the ticket yet? Not yet, but I'm wearing her down.
Ticket's still available, Becker.
Give it your best shot.
Relax.
I'm here for a cigarette.
As far as the ticket goes, I think you are a capable, talented, intelligent woman who certainly can make up her own mind who she wants to spend the evening with.
Anything? Nothing.
Well, it's been a long day.
That's all I got.
Hey, Reg.
How long have you been in there, you little freak? That's not important.
What's important is, Bob's mother-in-law had liposuction.
In a similar development, someone took a nail file to Mount Rushmore.
What could that possibly have to do with me? All right, I'll spell it out for you.
The wife and kids went to take care of the old buffalo.
That means Bob's available for hockey.
I am not taking you to the hockey game.
How about après hockey? I could be waiting for you in a bubble bath.
All right.
I got you to picture me naked.
If this is about my car parked in your space, I'm not moving.
If this is about my wash-- John, it's Margaret.
Just open the damn door.
It's open.
Oh, did you notice it smells like cabbage out there? Yeah, it's the old couple at the end of the hallway.
Either they cook sauerkraut every night or they've been dead since Tuesday.
Oh, well, keep a good thought.
Mr.
Hernik's test results came in right after you left.
I thought you'd want to see them.
Thank you.
Oh, no, no, no Oh, damn it.
They're all normal.
I mean, what am I missing? Well, John, just relax.
You know you always figure these things out.
I swear, you're harder on yourself than you are on anyone else.
Well, thank you, Margaret.
Hey! How many times I got to tell you, quit sliding menus under my door! Look, I've eaten in this crappy restaurant.
Don't think I don't know what's going on down there too.
I've seen that dumpster full of dog collars.
What I said before about you being too hard on yourself-- Yeah, never mind? Afraid so.
Good night.
Mm-hm.
Doctor, I've been meaning to ask you how's my patient doing? Your patient? Mr.
Hernik.
I'm the one who checked him in, remember? Oh, brother.
Actually, Linda, I appreciate your concern but so far, I haven't figured out what his problem is.
Wanna know what I think's weird? Better pull up a chair.
He works indoors, in a bank, right? Yes.
And he was in Bermuda six weeks ago? Yes.
Then how come he still has a great tan? Linda, I am sure the doctor doesn't want-- Hold it-- Hold on.
You know, his tan should have faded by now.
Maybe it's not a tan.
Maybe it's hyper pigmentation.
Hyper pigmentation.
That's it.
You want me to call the lab? Yeah, have them run a serum cortisol and electrolytes.
Electrolytes.
That's what I was thinking.
Right.
And I'll have them rush us the results.
Um, I know we all know what we're talking about here.
But just in case, how would I explain this to someone who had absolutely no clue? It's quite possible that Mr.
Hernik has Addison's disease which would explain the fatigue, the tan not fading and why I can't find it wherever I look for it.
Hey, Linda, thank you.
Y-Y-You helped me and you really, really helped my patient.
Uh-- Good-- Good-- Good job.
So, uh, Margaret, how many lives did you save today? If you leave now, one.
Right.
Come on, Reg, the game starts in less than an hour.
Yeah, pick one of us, will you? Okay.
Okay.
I'm thinking of a number between-- Come on.
For God's sakes, woman, come on.
Well, it's hard.
If I choose Becker, you'll be mad at me.
But if I choose you, then he'll be mad at me.
So I'll just let the two of you decide and then you can be mad at each other.
I'll see somebody at the garden.
Surprise me.
Bye, boys.
W-Where does she get off playing us against each other like that? I mean, that's just-- That's just wrong, you know.
I don't know if I even wanna go now.
Well, why-- Why are women so manipulative? So conniving.
You're taking the ticket, aren't you? I-I really want to go, Jake.
Come on, man, let's be strong.
Let's teach her a lesson.
Oh, you're right, you're right.
What was I thinking? We need to have a little self-respect here.
Let me take you out to dinner.
Okay, I'm for that.
Just seems like a waste of a good ticket? I know, I know.
Hello, losers.
Where's Reggie? Reggie went to the hockey game.
Oh, Bob's too late.
Well Not really.
Uh, actually, Bob, uh, she left you the extra ticket.
Isn't that right, Jake? Yeah, that's right.
She said she wants you to meet her there.
Yeah, she said, uh, there's no one she would rather spend the evening with than you.
I can't believe it.
Bob's been waiting his whole life for this.
There's actually a tear in Bob's eye.
I'm sure Reggie's gonna feel the same way.
Dinner? Love to.