Becker Episode Scripts

N/A - P.C. World

( blues theme playing ) ( rap music playing ) So tell me what the hell You gonna do Hey! Or should I say, "Yo!" Either turn down that stereo or roll up your windows.
Or better yet, get the hell outta here! I don't care if your taste in music is MC Rap Daddy Dog whatever.
Just don't force me to listen to it.
You know, I don't drive by his house and blast James Taylor, do I? James Taylor? I know I'm blind, John, but, uh, exactly how white are you? I'm about as white as your cane there, Blinky.
Coffee to go there, Reg.
To go? Thank God.
I swear, the world would be a better place if they'd let me get rid of six idiots a day.
You know, thin out the herd a little.
( laughing ): You're not serious.
The hell I'm not.
I could find six idiots before breakfast, still have my whole day ahead of me.
For starters, I'd get rid of that guy out there with the-- With the boom box on wheels.
And then-- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Those people who have hibachis and cook chicken out on the street.
I hate that.
And then, those-- Those cab drivers, you know, who think that showering is just for months with the letter "R" in them.
Oh, Reg, a little hint: unlike wine, coffee does not get better with age.
See you, Jake.
JAKE: Later.
Does, uh--? Does that guy come in here often? Every day.
Is he always like that? Every day.
( tires squealing and crash ) Oh, what happened? Oh, no, Becker got into another accident.
You know what he should do? Just hang tires around the outside of his car.
Please don't bring it in here.
Please don't bring it in-- Some idiot just ran into me.
Reg, get me a-- Yes, I know.
Paper and pencil.
You know, Becker, you ought to get one of those "How am I driving?" bumper stickers.
Give people something to read while they're waiting for the ambulance.
Hey, what's your problem? You didn't look, you didn't check.
You just pulled out right into traffic.
The hell I did! I signaled.
Yeah, right.
You know, even I hadn't, how could you miss a boat like mine? I mean, don't you know how to drive? I swear, you people make me nuts.
You know, you're all over the road, as if the rules don't apply to you.
See you in court.
Yeah, right.
Surprised you can see anything.
Four eyes! I swear, you know, six a day.
That's all I ask.
Six a day.
Who the hell is he? John Becker.
He's a doctor.
He's got an office a couple blocks over.
How sick do you have to be to go to that guy? ( blues theme playing ) No, Mr.
Stark, I checked.
You did not leave your prosthetic leg here.
I don't know.
Why don't you try retracing your steps? ( laughing ) No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It just slipped out.
I know, I know, I'm late.
It's just so hard to get a cab in this city.
I thought you take the subway.
Yes, because I can never get a cab.
Gee, Margaret, I listen when you talk.
Becker is late.
When he comes in, tell him I'm in the back checking the inventory.
So, what's going on? Is Dr.
Becker in? Just watch the desk.
I'm Rochelle Gelman.
I'm here for my 9:15 appointment with the doctor.
Just sign in, and he'll be right with you.
But, while you're waiting, I happen to be the new area rep for the Lady Fair cosmetics and skin care line.
Please, let me show you our fine family of products.
When did you start selling cosmetics here? Since I went a little nuts with my Visa card.
What are you doing sneaking in the back door? I'm not sneaking.
I had to walk from the coffee shop, so I cut through the alley.
You been back there lately? It's a magical world of bodily fluids.
What happened to your car? Some dimwit ploughed into it.
It's a wreck.
But how can you tell? You know, every time I think God can't screw me any worse, he pulls out the old Black & Decker and twists a little harder.
You're being persecuted by a God you don't believe in.
That's why he's after me, Margaret.
( blues theme playing ) Well, your nose is not broken.
If I were you, I'd stay off it for a few days.
So, what happened, anyway? There I am, minding my own business, and someone comes up and hits me on my nose.
A New York cabbie punched in the nose.
Applause, applause, applause.
Please, mine is an honorable profession.
Yes, of course, it is, Mr.
Hara, Harnya-- Haranya Garba.
Yeah, so what'd you do to get him to hit you like that? Did you take him to the airport by way of Cuba? Was it the French Connection ride across town? Or what did you do, did you screw with the meter to triple charge him? What was it? You know, you passengers aren't any picnic.
Stiffing me on fares.
Burning cigarette holes in my seats.
You know something, you're right.
I-- I apologize.
I shouldn't just assume that this was your fault.
How did it happen, though? It was the triple charging.
Thank you.
Ladies, nothing colors your world like the right lipstick.
Now, Mrs.
Corigliani, you're an autumn.
So I think you should try Forever Taupe.
That way, you can wear your lips to work and to an elegant evening out at a chic club or discotheque.
LINDA: Now, let's try this blush.
What is going on here? I'm trying to bring out Mrs.
Corigliani's cheekbones.
Hang tight.
It could take a while.
Ladies, ladies, would you take your seats, please? This is a doctor's office, not Bloomingdale's.
Linda's World of Beauty is closed.
It's not like the patients have anything else to do while they wait.
But you do.
Oh, come on, Margaret, I'm just trying to make some extra money.
You're gonna have to find a new way to make any money if I catch you doing this again.
( blues theme playing ) Mr.
Kimsey? How are you doing? Not so good.
I got a pain.
You been feeling nauseous? Well, not really nauseous, but there's this pressure.
Uh, 120 over 80.
Well, your pulse rate is slightly elevated.
But nothing too bad.
Are you feeling any pain or numbness in your neck or your arms? No, not really.
Just the pressure.
Wh-where exactly is that pressure? Right there.
That's what I thought.
Margaret, I think we're all right here.
I wanna do an EKG just to play it safe.
Okay, I'll go set it up.
All right.
Let-- Let me ask you something.
What'd you have for breakfast? A pastrami sandwich.
For breakfast? Did you have a pickle too? You gotta have the pickle.
I-- I don't think we're dealing with a heart problem here.
Thank God.
With your family history, I understand your concern.
So promise me, make an appointment, come back, we'll do a full work-up on you.
I will.
But what about the pain? Here.
Chew on these.
What are they? Antacids.
Margaret will be back in a minute.
( burping from inside room ) Got outta there just in time.
( chuckles ) ( blues theme playing ) This is unbelievable.
Think Dr.
Becker's seen it? I sure hope he hasn't seen it.
Well, we're gonna find out.
Here he comes.
Hey, everybody.
How's it going? Boy, it's a beautiful day out there, isn't it? Definitely hasn't seen it.
Ah, Mr.
Eggs, bacon, hash browns.
I see you jumped right on that low-cholesterol diet I put you on.
I was gonna start that tomorrow.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
In here, I'm not your doctor.
Just think of me as a private citizen who's telling you you're slowing killing yourself.
Reg, can I have one of my cigarettes, please? Those who can't, teach.
So, what's going on in here? Nothing.
Yeah, nothing.
Nothing that I know.
( scoffs ) All right, what's going on? ( sighs ) Oh, well, you're gonna see it eventually.
See what? "Neighborhood Doctor Dispenses Racism.
"John Becker "poisonous words filled a neighborhood eatery.
"His foul tirade smeared African Americans, Asian Americans, the blind--" Weren't you the busy bee? I-- I didn't say any of this.
Who--? Who's this Jerry Tetzloff anyway? He has a weekly column.
He must have been in here that morning.
What morning? The morning you had that accident.
Keep reading.
"Becker even trotted out the tired stereotype "that Asian Americans are bad drivers, invoking the loathsome code words 'you people.
'" Well, this guy's perverting everything I said.
And even worse, he didn't mention the name of the diner.
I could use a little free publicity.
Yeah, I think you put your finger on the real tragedy here, Reg.
I mean, this-- This is crap.
I-- It's all lies.
I didn't say any of that, right? Well, technically, you did.
What? But you didn't mean it.
Not like how he said.
Okay, John, you gotta admit it.
You leave a hell of a first impression.
What are you talking about? Okay, a show of hands here.
When you first met him, who thought that John was a horse's ass? Yeah, that's a mighty strong breeze.
Oh, and you two are supposed to be my friends.
And you, you got a prostate exam coming up.
I change my vote.
Yeah, I thought you might.
You know something? I'm gonna find this guy and-- And scream "loathsome code words" till his ears bleed.
I hate to say this, but poor Becker.
Yeah, I feel sorry for him.
Doesn't anyone feel sorry for me? I'm the one who has to get the prostate exam.
( blues theme playing ) Hey, Linda, you got any of that revitalizing cream left? Shh.
I got everything you need.
Revitalizer, refresher, body talc.
But be cool, okay? Look, come back this afternoon.
You give me the money, I'll give you the stuff.
Oh, and I just got in a shipment of bath beads.
Are they any good? Primo.
Hi, doctor.
( sighing ) What the hell is this? Margaret, I was misquoted.
I didn't say any of that.
Well, I assumed that.
But I swear, John, there are just some times when you need to keep your mouth shut.
You are a respected member of this community.
People listen to what you have to say.
God help 'em.
You know something? I'm gonna sue that guy.
I'm gonna sue the whole paper.
I gonna sue the kid that delivers the paper.
John, do yourself a favor: let it go.
If you go off on this guy, you'll just give him something new to write about.
Just leave it alone, and it will go away by itself.
Kimsey, what are you doing here? You all right? There's something I have to say to you, and I wanted to do it face to face.
Go ahead.
I read the paper this morning, and-- Oh, now, wait a second.
I don't want you to be my doctor.
Y-you don't mean that.
I don't want anything to do with you.
Ah, M-Mr.
Kimsey, please don't-- Don't -- ( light blues theme playing ) ( blues theme playing ) Okay, so I've got you down for the toner, the concealer, and the lip liner.
Oh, and I'll throw in a jar of night cream.
No, no, no, don't worry about it.
First one's free.
But if you need more, you know who to call.
( knocking ) John, are you all right? What am I supposed to do? You know, people are believing what they read in there.
Well, you could go down there and cause a big scene, or you could sue everybody in sight, or, maybe, just maybe, you could learn something from all this.
Yeah, learn what? You know, I see people doing something stupid, I tell 'em they're doing something stupid.
I have opinions, I express 'em.
What's wrong with that? John, opinions are like butts.
Everyone's got one, but you don't wanna see yours in the newspaper.
Oh, fine.
You know, from now on, no matter what I think, I'll just keep my mouth shut.
Ha! You couldn't keep your mouth shut if you were underwater.
You know, I'm sick of people telling me they know me better than I know myself.
There's nothing more annoying than a bunch of self-righteous know-it-alls telling-- Oh, boy.
Thank you.
( rings ) Doctor's office.
( hushed ): Yeah, yeah, it's Linda.
Look, I'm not running a charity here.
If you want the stuff, you gotta pay.
Oh, you think you can do without the eye shadow? You just wait.
You'll be back.
Linda, I have warned you about this.
It is completely unprofessional to sell cosmetics in a doctor's office.
You do this sort of thing all the time and-- Your skin looks wonderful.
What are you using? Lady Fair Moistacular.
Could you get me some of that? Why, I'd love to.
But, ooh, I know I can't.
You see, it would be completely unprofessional for me to sell you cosmetics in a doctor's office.
Well, that depends on who's running the doctor's office.
( blues theme playing ) MAN ( on radio ): Exactly why did you write the column, Mr.
Tetzloff? TETZLOFF: Well, uh, basically to show that supposedly respectable citizens like Dr.
Becker turn out to be nothing more than racists.
( radio clicks off ) Hi, Becker.
Oh, hey, John.
Hey, guys.
Look, uh, about that article, I-- I'm really, uh, trying to put it behind me.
So I'd appreciate it if we just didn't talk about it anymore.
No problem.
Hey, that Tetzloff guy sure is tearing you a new one on the radio, isn't he, doc? MAN: Eight locations to serve you.
This is Phil Morrison.
You're listening to Talk Back at WTSE.
Uh, you were saying, Mr.
Tetzloff? TETZLOFF: Well, it comes down to the fact that-- That guys like Dr.
Becker seem to enjoy spreading hate.
Now, the people of this community should fight back a-and tell him t-that they will not put up with his racist attitudes.
( clicks off ) Don't worry.
I'm not gonna get upset.
The smartest thing I can do is just walk away from this.
I just wanna keep my self-respect and my dignity.
He's going down to that radio station, isn't he? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
( blues theme playing ) MAN ( on phone ): If this Dr.
Becker is as bad as you say in your column, well, then, he's the kind of guy who makes the world bad, and that'sbad.
Yeah, right.
Thanks for taking a stand.
We're here talking about racism.
And what we're finding is we're all against it.
All lines are open.
Lots of lines.
( inaudible ) Oh, don't worry.
We'll call security.
No, no, that's the guy.
That's Dr.
Really? He looks pissed.
Let's have him in.
That should brighten things up.
Tetzloff, you are a lying, bottom-feeding, low-life publicity whore.
No, no, Dr.
Becker, please, come in.
Sit down.
What? No, no, I don't wanna talk on the radio.
This will be fine.
Sit down, sit down.
Oh, uh, this is great.
We have John Becker here, the racist doctor Mr.
Tetzloff wrote about.
Go ahead, you're on the air.
What? Talk into the mike.
All right.
This guy took a private conversation and he turned it into something that it wasn't.
Well, then maybe you can tell me what it was.
You said to an Asian man, "You people can't drive.
" What was that? Yes, "you people," as in "you lousy drivers.
" You know, I didn't care where he came from.
All I cared about was where he was going, which was into the side of my car.
You know, I never said that he was a bad driver because he was Asian.
So you do believe that Asian Americans are bad drivers? I never said that they are bad dri-- They? They? Oh, come on.
He said "they.
" This is stupid.
No, no, but isn't "they" just a racist code word, another way of saying those people? "They" is not a code word.
They is a pronoun.
We can't use pronouns anymore? And by "we," you mean white Americans just like you? Come on.
White Americans.
You believe this? I love this.
It's like a real show.
Uh, caller, you're on the air.
WOMAN: Hi, long-time listener, first-time caller.
Guys like this doctor make me sick.
Can I have a T-shirt? Good point.
No shirt.
Ah, no, this woman just proves everything I've been saying for years: the only people dumber than talk-radio listeners are talk-radio callers.
Shut up, John.
For once in your life, just keep your mouth shut.
You know, it's an entire audience made up of the infirm, the unemployed and the insane.
So with-- With one sweeping generality, you-- You smear this man's entire audience.
( hushed ): It's okay.
He's right.
( normal voice ): Mr.
Tetzloff, in your column you also say that Dr.
Becker insulted a black man-- That's correct.
A blind man.
Hey, wait a minute.
It's the same guy.
You can't count him twice.
Remind me, Reg.
Why do I like him? Come on, Becker.
Just say the name of the diner.
Just say the name.
Yeah, besides, he's a friend of mine.
It's the only reason I go into that place.
Certainly not for the food.
Don't say the name.
Please, don't say the name.
Phil, the whole point of my article was to show that racism is alive in this city, and Dr.
Becker here is living proof.
I am not.
I have strong opinions.
Yeah, I admit that.
You know, I have likes.
I have dislikes.
But none of them are racially motivated.
Everything I say is motivated purely by stupidity.
Did he mean to say that? Oh, good one, John.
BECKER: Come on, you know what I meant.
Oh, I-I-I certainly know what you meant when you-- When you maligned rap music, clearly an expression of African-American culture.
Oh, I did not.
I said I didn't like loud music.
You know, all right.
You know, all right.
I don't like rap music.
Is that okay with you? You know, I don't like polka music either.
But I like Polish sausage.
You know, I hate Chinese checkers, but I love French fries.
I hate Belgian waffles.
Love German shepherds.
Can't stand English muffins.
Here's a real puzzler.
Hate Danish cheese, love cheese Danish.
Yes, doctor, that's v-very clever.
But what about that mean-spirited swipe at Puerto Ricans? Puerto Ricans? You made a crack about people who barbecue on the street.
Those are Puerto Ricans? You know, I didn't say that.
Yes, well, we all know that's what you meant.
No, that's not what I meant at all.
I was talking about a guy who lives down the street from me.
I don't know where he's from, but he cooks his dinner on the sidewalk, and that's just stupid.
You know something? You are the one that's making this about Puerto Ricans.
That's not what I did at all.
That's exactly what you did.
Same thing with your column too.
Y-you took a private conversation, you imbued it w-with racial overtones, all under the guise of political correctness.
You know something, that concept was meant to make us more sensitive to each other, but instead, all you did was use it to perpetuate some ugly stereotypes.
Well, t-t-t-that certainly wasn't my intention.
Yeah, well, that's what you did.
You know, let me-- Let me tell you one more thing I don't like.
You know, not because of where you come from.
I just don't like you.
And you know something? You're free not to like me either, as long as you do it for the right reasons.
And if you don't like that, you can kiss my ass.
Great show.
( blues theme playing ) ( blues theme playing )