Becker Episode Scripts

N/A - SuperBob

Oh.
Damn it.
Damn super.
Oh, hell, it's the machine.
Yeah, it's 3 in the morning, Alexi.
I know you're there.
Come on, you can't be asleep.
You don't work.
What could you possibly be tired from? You know, we didn't knock down the Berlin Wall so you could import your Soviet-style incompetence to the Bronx, so put the vodka bottle down, get up here and fix my sink.
Idiot.
Becker, shut up.
I'm trying to sleep.
Cram it, Grenquist.
Don't you have anything better to do than stay up all night waiting for me to make noise? I never have to wait long.
Damn neighbours.
And fix my damn lights.
You can add one more to the list of people I'd like to kill.
My super.
I've been chasing after him for days to fix my apartment.
I've been banging on his door, leaving angry notes on his car.
I even left a string of curse words on his answering machine, and still the bastard won't return my call.
Which to me is just rude.
You know what I think is rude? Oh, yeah, and to top it off, I'm paying 450 bucks a month for that crap hole, which you'd think would entitle Hold on, hold on.
Your rent is only $450? Now, how is that possible? Well, let's just say that until I came along, they had trouble renting it.
- Anyway - Whoa, whoa, what kind of trouble? Nothing that a chalk eraser, some bleach and a few open windows couldn't take care of.
You live in a dead guy's apartment? It's a very old city.
Everyone lives in a dead guy's apartment.
Oh, yeah, and to boot, you know, my next-door nightmare, Grenquist, has, like, bionic hearing.
I so much as breathe, he bangs on the wall.
That must be so awful.
Oh, tell me about it.
No, I mean, how much would it suck to live next door to you.
Give me a coffee and a muffin to go.
- And can I use your men's room? - Sure, it's right through there.
Only you don't want the door that says "men.
" That's actually the women's room, but the W-O is missing.
You want the door that says "me," which is men without the N.
It's the second door on the right.
Rosebud.
Citizen Kane.
Sorry, I'm all out.
Why don't you stay out? Bad news.
Looks like Linda's kicking Bob out of her apartment.
Ah, the tribe has spoken.
And I don't even know what I did.
Last night, I'm on her computer, surfing the Net, when all of a sudden she marches in, tells me to put my clothes on and get out.
So now I have to find a new place to live.
Which means I gotta go out and get a job.
I'm telling you, it never ends.
Well, that's a bitter bee, Bob.
Find something you wouldn't mind doing for eight hours a day.
That's what I was doing on the computer.
- That will be $1.
75.
- You know, this is a pretty nice place.
I'm working construction a few blocks over.
- I'll be sure to tell the guys.
- Thanks.
This could be great for business.
Maybe I could make a working-man's special.
You know, I'm in here every day.
Why don't you make a John Becker special? I would, except who'd buy a sandwich made of crab, bologna and bull? Hey.
Okay, okay, I know I'm late, but I have a really good excuse.
And this time, it's the truth.
I had it out with Bob last night.
Well, actually, Bob had it out, but that's another story.
Anyway, I told him to find a new place.
Well, it was very Christian of you to take him in for as long as you did.
Hey, you have an extra room at your house, don't you? You tell that little termite where I live, I swear I'll take you both out.
Morning, John.
Mrs.
Bayer is in 2.
Fine.
Did the super in my building call back yet? No.
- Oh, damn Alexi.
- I know.
- He's the laziest person I've met.
- You're right.
It's just another pain-in-the-ass thing to add to the list of pain-in-the-ass things that make up my life.
Oh, it's terrible, John.
You shouldn't have to put up with that.
Yeah, exactly.
- What was that about? - Who knows? It's just easier if I agree with him.
You are so right.
Hello, Mrs.
Bayer.
Oh, I'm glad you came in today.
I think getting a flu shot's very important this year.
You don't have to yell.
I finally got that hearing aid.
Oh, well, good for you.
That's terrific.
I'm glad to hear that.
Boy, you know, I just can't believe the kind of day I'm having.
I swear, life is hard enough without having to navigate the gauntlet of idiots out there.
Noisy neighbours, lousy drivers, incompetent workmen, you know, rude cabbies - Solve it in one day, though, am I? Well, that should do it for a year, Mrs.
Bayer.
You know, I gotta say, I think the hearing aid's gonna improve the quality of your life.
It already has.
Excuse me.
This guy Chris Duff is moving into the building next door.
But he's not in yet.
You mind signing for him? Oh, sure.
No problem.
So someone finally bought that apartment.
I heard he bought the whole building.
- Well, thanks.
- Mm-hm.
Hmm.
Chris Duff bought the whole building.
Intriguing.
What is? Margaret, this is a case of imported French wine.
From France.
A new low, Linda.
You are now hitting on a cardboard box.
But, Margaret, this guy Chris is perfect.
He's rich, he's sophisticated.
And for all you know, he could be married.
Margaret, please, if he's rich and sophisticated, his marriage isn't gonna mean anything.
Hey, Reg, there are people in here.
What's going on? The place is full of construction workers.
Terrific.
So business must be good.
What business? They're not ordering anything.
They came in here to use the bathroom.
- Ha, ha, tough luck, Reg.
- They're also reading your magazines.
Now that sucks.
No kidding.
I let one guy use the men's room, and they turn my restaurant into a public toilet.
Well, it didn't have far to go.
I mean, you put a condom machine where the register is and you're there.
- Bob.
- Yeah? Ow! - May I help you? - Yeah.
Can I get a glass of water? Come on, look at the line.
The last thing you guys need is more water.
In fact, you know what, either order something or get out.
Okay, okay, relax.
I'll have a roast beef sandwich.
You have roast beef? Well, the government says I can call it roast beef.
Hey, Hard Hat.
Bob looking for work.
- What exactly do you guys do? - Well, we start around 7 Forget it.
Hey, Reg, there are people in here.
What's going on? Long story.
You see, what happened Oh, then never mind.
Coffee to go.
Hey, Jake, I love what you're doing with your hair.
My hair? What am I doing with my hair? Well, I don't care what anybody says.
I like it.
Bob, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be out looking for work and a new place to live.
For your information, I just finished an interview in the construction field.
And plus, don't forget, I've still got my backup plan.
Bob, we discussed this.
The Mexican lottery is not a backup plan.
Oh, hey, don't forget your sandwich.
Yeah, right.
I work on a construction site, lady.
I bring my lunch.
You jerk.
I hope you choke on your lunch and die! So "have a nice day" wasn't working for you? Hey, there are people in here.
What's going on? - They're all waiting for the bathroom.
- Oh.
Uh, then just coffee, please.
It doesn't have to do with the food.
They work down the street.
They just come in here to pee.
Well, now, cheer up, Reg.
You know, as a restaurant, this place is a toilet.
But as a toilet, it could be really special.
Hellhole.
- Companies reporting their earnings.
Oh, all right.
I turned it down.
What do you want? Hey, the hell with you, Grenquist.
I'll play my TV as loud as I want.
- Is very active after reporting better-than-expected results.
I called Alexi about fixing my shower.
Was this last night? Are you guys talking about the super? Because I've had it with him.
You know, he's lazy, he's incompetent, and I want him gone.
What's going on? It's Alexi.
He's dead.
Oh, my God.
What happened? He had a massive heart attack.
Well, I had no idea.
I mean, I feel terrible.
This is such a shock.
Do you think it's too soon to start talking about getting someone good in here? - That's a little rude.
- Yeah? What about you, Grenquist? What was all that banging on the wall last night? You know, I was trying to watch TV.
I didn't bang on the wall last night.
I was visiting my sister in Jersey.
- Yeah, right.
- No one was even in my apartment.
Well, except for poor Alexi.
He was re-caulking my shower.
- Alexi? - Yeah.
I found the body.
Funny thing, though.
He was in the living room, holding a hammer, and there was a hole in the wall like he was pounding or something.
Yeah, the paramedics think that he was calling out for help.
Ah.
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, my God.
That must have been the banging you heard.
- Alexi dying.
- Ah! I didn't hear banging.
You ignored the pleas of a dying man? No, I thought I was ignoring you.
And you call yourself a doctor? You know, it's just so sad that it takes something like this to bring us all together.
Hey, Margaret, look what we got.
Linda, we didn't get anything.
Those belong to our new neighbour.
Chris Duff is so cool.
I can't believe I've finally met the perfect man.
Linda, I keep telling you, you haven't met anyone.
You've met a bunch of boxes.
Although that is a step up from most of the guys you date.
It just so happens that I know a lot about Chris.
For example, he got ski boots, so I know he's athletic.
He got CDs, so I know he listens to music.
And he got something from eBay, so I know he has a lot of free time.
Hey, Margaret.
You know how I've been trying to get in touch with my super? Well, he died.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, I feel terrible.
I mean, I know I yelled at him and called him a lazy son of a bitch, but that doesn't mean I didn't like him.
You know, try telling that to my idiot neighbours.
They think I killed him.
Did you? Of course I didn't.
Are you sure? Because you had motive, you had opportunity, and let's not forget, yesterday, you said you wanted to kill him.
You know, if I were capable of killing somebody, would you still be alive? He didn't do it.
Excuse me.
Could l? The bathroom's right there.
Just follow the line.
If you want something to read, just leave a buck.
Oh, hell, just take it.
I'm not here to use the rest room.
Oh, you're not? I'm sorry.
It's just, uh, the last two days, that's all anyone's come in here for.
Starting to make me wonder, why bother even keeping the place open? - You never wondered that before? - Jake.
I don't know what you guys are so depressed about.
I mean, I think these old diners are great.
We had one just like this where I grew up.
Yeah, looking around brings back a lot of memories.
Really? Oh, gosh, you don't know what it means for me to hear that.
So, what can I get you? Please, anything.
Oh, I'm not hungry.
I just needed some change for the meter.
Get out.
In fact, every single one of you, get the hell out and stay the hell out! Well, I don't think those Deepak Chopra tapes are working for you.
Shut up, Becker.
Yeah, you know, you're right.
I got my own problems.
My super died and my jackass neighbours think I'm responsible for it.
What, that guy you said you wanted to kill? It's a figure of speech, Jake.
Yeah, until the dude turns up dead.
What's the matter with you people? I didn't kill that guy.
Hey, Becker, you know that guy you killed? I just got his job.
I didn't kill anybody, Bob.
What'd you just say? I'm your new super.
But Alexi just died this morning.
How could you even know about the job? I owe it all to Linda.
Linda helped you? My Linda? If by "help" you mean left your office as soon as she heard the old super croaked, ran to your building, gave them my résumé, which, by the way she wrote, acted as a reference, and wouldn't leave until they agreed to hire me, then, yeah, she helped.
But you don't know anything about being a super.
- What's to know? Jake could do it.
- Hey.
Not to mention, it's the deal of a lifetime.
Good salary, free apartment, and I get to sit on my ass all day and pretend I don't speak English.
It's what I was born to do.
- This can't be happening.
- Don't worry.
Whatever you need, day or night, my door is always open.
And thanks to my new pass key, so is yours.
Hey, Jake, do you realise what this means? Yeah, Bob has someplace else to go.
Bye-bye, Bob.
I don't like seeing you here.
I sure as hell don't wanna see you at home.
And there's no way you're living in my building.
- Not if I have anything to say about it.
- Thanks for your support.
You see? I'm not even listening to him.
I'm a super already.
Hey, Margaret, you know that package of Chris' I couldn't figure out? Look what was inside.
A hand? No, that's Mr.
Reid's hand.
I had him hold the box.
You're always saying not to waste the x-rays.
Look, a compound fracture and a riding crop.
Oh, Chris must ride horses.
Yeah, Margaret, that's what it's for.
Linda, how could you po? This is the worst day Oh! Gah! Bob is my super.
Yeah.
I figured it was the best of both worlds.
I got him out of my apartment And? And I'm happy about it.
You know something, Linda, you screw up a lot and I'm usually pretty tolerant.
I even overlooked the time you used the specimen cups to make Jell-O shots.
But this, oh, this by far is the worst thing you've ever done.
That you know of.
Hi.
I'm your new neighbour.
I think you have some of my packages.
Oh, this ought to be good.
No, our new neighbour is Chris Duff.
Yeah, that's me.
I'm Chris.
No, I think you're wrong.
I think I know who I am.
I don't think you do.
You can't be Chris.
Well, Christina, really.
Ha! - So those are your ski boots? - Yeah.
- And your CDs? - Yeah.
And your wine from France? Yeah, it's all mine.
Well, thanks.
I'll come back for the rest.
Hope it wasn't too much trouble.
No.
It's just that you were the perfect guy, and I was hoping Never mind.
- Wait.
- Yeah? Are you at least gay? What? Are you? Well, yeah, actually, I am.
Why, are you? No.
So in conclusion, I appreciate the warm welcome and I'd like to thank you all in advance for allowing me into your homes.
- I can't believe this.
Feel free to drop by anytime.
If I'm not home, just write your request on the back of a 20 and slide it under my door.
Whoa, wait a second here.
There's no way we can hire this idiot to be our super.
He's lazy, he's incompetent, he hasn't made an honest dollar in his entire life.
You know, that reminds me, am I gonna get paid weekly or biweekly? Not to mention the fact he doesn't know the first thing about building maintenance.
Hey, he seems like a good guy.
Why not give him a chance? He helped me carry my groceries.
He held the door for me.
He held a ladder for me while I got something off my top shelf.
Oh, I bet he did.
Look, he's in every part of my life.
I just don't want him here.
Well, why don't you just kill him like you killed Alexi? I did not kill Alexi.
I just didn't try to save him, that's all.
Not that I knew he was dying.
Look, I'll be damned if I'm gonna pay to live in a dump with crappy neighbours and a super that I can't stand.
Your rent is only $450? What? Oh, give me a break, will you? Someone was murdered in there.
Counting Alexi, two people have been murdered in his.
- And I'm paying 600.
- And someone died in mine too.
Mine too.
Oh, my God.
We're living in a house of death.
I've tried to reason with you people.
But bottom line, Bob stays, I move out.
Show of hands.
Screw you people.
I'm not moving out.
You know, I'll get rid of Bob myself if I have to.
I'll call the city.
I'll report you.
You'll report us for hiring a super? Yeah, you're damn right I will.
You know, let me tell you something else too.
You are biggest bunch of morons that I've ever met.
Do me a favour, just don't talk to me.
I won't talk to you, you don't talk to me, okay? Yeah, goodbye and good riddance.
I'll tell you something else too.
If I looked up the word morons in the dictionary, there'd be a picture of you people.
That's all I have to say.
You know, just so you know, you people deserve to have a super like Bob.
Yeah, mark my words, you'll see.
It's broken, dumb-ass.
Fix the damn elevator, will you? I hate Bob.