Becker Episode Scripts

N/A - The Usual Suspects

Okay, I know a story I haven't told you yet.
No, no, I did.
Hey, here's one.
No, never mind.
Got one.
Intermission at the theatre.
This woman comes out of the ladies' room and her dress is tucked in her pantyhose.
I'm about to tap her on the shoulder, and she turns around and it's - Diane Sawyer, yeah.
- Diane Sawyer.
You told us that a thousand times.
Well, excuse me for trying.
You're so damn interesting, you tell a story.
Fine, I will.
Okay.
The night I got engaged to the former Mrs.
Bob, I took her to this fancy foreign restaurant, right? Heard it.
And, Bob, Taco Bell is not a foreign restaurant.
Okay, did I ever tell you about the guy that left me a $5 tip? Oh, God.
Welcome back to Penny Ante Playhouse.
Gee, is it really possible that we've spent so much time together, we have nothing new to talk about? The sad part is, we had this same discussion yesterday.
Well, once again, the city has that wonderfully unique New York aroma: Two parts armpit, one part jock strap.
I never thought I'd say this, but thank God Becker's here.
Coffee to go, Reg.
Oh, yeah, yeah, and if my morning didn't stink enough, Margaret has me signed up for some sort of mentor programme at "Do You Want Fries With That" Junior High.
So now I got some stupid kid following me around all morning.
Hanging out with the average American school kid, and me without my bullet-proof vest.
At least the thing about the kid was something new.
No, he told us that yesterday.
Twice.
You call about a stopped-up drain? Yeah, four hours ago.
Come on, I need that exam room.
You gonna bust my hump, or you gonna tell me where to go? I like both choices.
Second door on the left, and make it fast.
Hey, it takes as long as it takes.
Plumbing is a mercurial mistress.
I call a plumber, I get a poet.
Hey, Margaret, here's that gauze you wanted.
Finally.
Where have you been for the last 20 minutes? Well, I'm sorry, but that storeroom is so messy, you can't find anything.
Someone should really organise that place.
Yeah, you.
I've been asking you to do that for the last six months.
I swear, Linda, sometimes you are just so unreliable.
You know, Margaret, when you constantly criticise me, you virtually assure my failure.
You have got to stop watching Oprah.
Okay, Linda, the storeroom is your project for today.
Organise it any way you want.
It's all yours.
Wow.
You'll see, Margaret.
I'm gonna do a great job.
It will be more than a storeroom.
It will be a place to put things.
I guess "Hooters University" isn't turning out the quality graduates it used to.
You're late, John Becker.
Yeah, the late John Becker.
I should be so lucky.
That kid here yet? Oh, don't start.
He's only here for one day.
Did you give him some sort of orientation? Yes.
I pointed down the hall and I said, "There's Dr.
Becker's office.
" Now he didn't take notes, so we don't know if he got it all.
Very helpful.
Thank you, Margaret.
No, don't touch that.
I'm sorry, Dr.
Becker.
I'm Jeff Andrews.
Yeah, look, kid, uh, we're gonna be moving kind of quick today, so you may have to struggle to keep up.
Try to remember, this is medicine.
I'm not gonna be able to stop and wait for you.
Oh, don't worry about me.
Just pretend I'm not here.
I can do that.
I just wanna thank you for letting me come here today.
I've always been interested in medicine and this is a great opportunity to see a professional up close.
Everybody says the surgeons are the hot shots, but to me, the family practitioner is the real hero.
You know something, we're gonna get along just fine.
- Jeff.
- Jeff, right.
Jeff, yeah.
Come on now.
Thank you, Margaret.
Okay, kid, listen and learn.
Patient's file is the cornerstone of a medical practise.
This, of course, is a lunch menu? The man knows everything.
Thank you, Margaret.
Oh, all right.
Now, ahem, this is an orthopaedics case.
- I think you'll find that interesting.
- Oh, of course I will.
Orthopaedics is the infrastructure of the entire body.
Oh, I swear, it's like looking into a damn mirror.
- Mr.
Ford.
- Hey.
This is, uh Don't tell me.
- Jeff.
- Right.
Right.
Jeff's a student.
He's gonna be observing me today unless you have any objections.
- No, no, I don't mind.
- Right.
Right.
Okay, why don't you, uh, tell us what happened.
Okay.
Uh, well, it was the damnedest thing.
I banged my ankle getting out of the car yesterday.
Yeah.
Swelled up like a son of a gun.
All right.
Now, Jeff, pay attention.
This could be serious.
Now the first thing we do is, uh Wash our hands? Right, right, right.
Okay, now the second thing we do is to check for range of motion and for evidence of a sprain or a break.
Now, Mr.
Ford, when I rotate your ankle, tell me when it hurts.
Okay, well, you know what? That's the thing, see.
Um, by this morning my ankle was back to normal, good as new.
You wanna tell me what the hell you're doing here? Oh, well, I, uh I already had the appointment, and, well, heck, it would have been rude to cancel.
Plus, I know you.
You'd have torn me a new one.
This guy's a walking time bomb.
Slightest little thing, and boom, explodes Thank you, Mr.
Ford.
You have any problem with your ankle, give us a call.
Nope.
I'm good.
Think I can grab some tongue depressors? My kid's making a birdhouse for school.
That's the real reason you came in here, isn't it? Yeah.
Go on.
Hey, they're not all emergencies, right? Yeah, yeah, that's right, Jeff.
That's right.
- Dr.
Becker.
- Wow.
Down, boy.
I want you to know you won't be seeing much of me today.
- I'm reorganizing the storeroom.
- Oh, good for you.
I have lots of exciting ideas.
For example, the storeroom is so small and cramped, we don't have room for the stuff that we have.
I was thinking of putting mirrors all along one wall.
Then it will look like we have twice as much room.
What does she do here? Uh, before the storeroom thing? I have no idea.
All right, abdominal pain, cramping, possible intestinal blockage.
Now, obviously, this could be very embarrassing to the patient, Jeff, so the important thing is to be delicate and to put the patient at ease.
Sorry, doc, I hope you don't mind my taking a load off.
No, that's what it's there for.
Uh, this young man is a student.
He's gonna be observing me today.
Do you mind if he's in here? Yeah, sure, whatever.
All right, uh, tell me what the problem is and we'll try to solve it together.
Okay, but it's no big mystery.
There's just a lot of blockage.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, have you, uh Have you experienced this before? About six times a day for the last eight years.
Well, that's a lot of blockage.
Are you gonna be all right with this? - I think so.
- All right.
Look, before I see for myself, I want you to know that we have a lot of options.
Trust me, doc, I already stuck my hand in there and it's jammed but good.
Feels like a lot of hair and grease.
I even tried a good solid blast of compressed air but no go.
Look, look, Mr.
Danzetti, see, l Danzetti? Who's that? I'm Chuck, the Drain King.
I'm here to unclog your sink.
You're the plumber? - Am I paying you by the hour? - You bet.
Well, then get off your ass and get back to work, for God's sake.
Don't worry, doc.
A visit from "Uncle Miltie" here will do the trick.
All I gotta do is shove this in and give it a couple of good turns.
Hey, come on, it was just a bad burrito.
I'll wait it out.
Ugh.
Come on.
Okay, I know I haven't told you this one yet.
This one time some friends and I are going camping.
- We got lost - Hey, Eyes-Wide-Shut.
You told us that a million times.
Oh.
Right.
Did I ever tell you about the time I got the modelling job in the Bahamas, and I went out with? Diane Sawyer? No, the head of the agency.
And we went out to dinner And you had lobsters as big as babies.
Oh, I did already tell you.
Hey, what about when I was at that hotel bar and I saw Gwyneth Paltrow and Winona Ryder making out? Bob, are you making this up? Yes.
I'd kind of like to hear the rest of that story.
So you see, Jeff, very often when a child is nauseous, it loses control quickly and without warning.
Well, it's It's good that this happened.
Really? How? What? Oh, how.
Um Well, I, you know, um It just drives home the point that you need to be prepared for anything.
And you have to You have to listen to your patients.
Try to hear what it is they're telling you and be sensitive to their needs.
- Oh, Dr.
Becker? - Oh, God, not her.
Dr.
Becker, I have a question for you.
Oh, yes, Mrs.
Recinos.
You told me I shouldn't go out in the sun without putting on sun block with an SPF rating of at least 30, right? - Yes, yes, that's right.
- I'm going to the park today.
And all I have is some SPF 2 and some SPF 5.
Is it better to put 15 coats of the two or six coats of the five, or, say, ten coats of the two and two coats of the five or five coats of the two and four coats of the five? Mrs.
Recinos, I'd say offhand that you've had way too much sun already.
Why don't you just? Why don't you go to a drugstore and buy some SPF 30? Or maybe I should just sit under a tree? Which would be better, an oak or an elm? You can take this one.
- Oak? - You're the doctor.
Well, I'm off.
Thank you.
So, what are we supposed to learn from her? That some people are just freaking nuts.
What's the big deal? Why can't you just park someplace else? You're not listening.
It's the principle of the thing, Jeff, you Forget it.
You smoke? You're a doctor.
Research.
Oh, uh, right.
Don't smoke.
So, what about lunch? This is my lunch.
Oh, you meant Hold on.
Oh, it's the office.
Hmm.
Hey, maybe it's an emergency.
Hey, you know, you're right.
It could be.
You see, you never know when a crisis is gonna hit.
It's all part of the fast-paced, unpredictable Yeah? Yeah, Margaret.
Uh-huh.
Got it.
So, what's going on? Is there an emergency? No, uh No, Margaret wants me to bring back some Sweet 'N Low.
Was Becker just in here? Yeah, with some kid? No, that was yesterday.
But I don't get it.
It sounds like you gave a guy a heart attack by yelling after you hit his car.
You're missing the point of the story.
The point is that I was able to spot the problem instantly and act on it.
But what you really did was called an ambulance and they took him to an ER so another doctor could treat him, right? Actually, someone else called the ambulance.
But that That You know, go on back to my office and wait for me there, Jeff.
That's a good boy.
I'm dying here, Margaret.
The kid thinks I'm an idiot.
Don't we have some patient that's bleeding or broken or something? Oh, I know.
I'll be right there, Jeff.
What about Mr.
Silverman? He looked like he was on death's door.
No, no, no, he called.
Those pills you gave him worked like a charm.
- He feels great.
- Inconsiderate bastard.
Ha, ha.
Well, cheer up.
Maybe he'll have some horrible side effect.
Yeah, well, I can't wait for that, Margaret.
Room One.
All right.
Come on, Jeff.
Mrs.
Gutierrez, what can I do for you? You told me to come in any time I need help, right? - Right.
- I can't reach my toenails.
I was wondering, would you cut them for me? Look, Dr.
Becker, maybe these small, seemingly insignificant visits help you to develop a rapport with the patient which could, down the line Hey, kid, don't jerk me around.
I'm cutting an old lady's toenails.
I'm tapped out.
I got nothing.
Nothing.
It's my honeymoon all over again.
Yup, we've been sitting here all day.
We can't come up with anything we haven't already told each other.
And I think I know why that is.
It's just like the rats in my psych lab.
If they spend too much time without any new stimuli, they just sit there and stare at each other.
So you're saying we need cheese? I'm saying, well, maybe we don't trust each other.
All we talk about are superficial things.
Hmm.
Maybe you're right.
So I say that we share something personal.
But if we do, we have to agree.
No making fun, no sleazy remarks, and no immature snickering.
You didn't look at Jake once during that whole speech.
Okay, okay, agreed.
Okay, so who wants to go first? I will.
Ahem.
When I was little, well, my grandmother used to take me to see the Dance Theatre of Harlem.
You know, I used to be amazed by the grace and beauty of those dancers, and, well, I always dreamed of doing that when I grew up.
I still wonder what things would've been like if I'd become a ballet dancer.
Well, there'd be a lot of ballerinas flying through the air and not getting caught, ha-ha-ha.
I thought we weren't gonna laugh.
All right.
I'm sorry.
Okay, I'll go next.
Uh, I had just started modelling, and it was the night of my first big runway show and I was nervous.
But by the time I got to the end of the runway, I felt terrific, completely in charge.
And then I saw someone way in the back of the room.
Who? Diane Sawyer? Sorry.
It was my father.
And he didn't approve of my being a model.
But there he was in his best coat and hat, watching me, you know, and he looked so proud.
Then afterwards we were all going to a party, and, uh, they were all older than me and I really wanted to fit in.
So, uh, instead of stopping to talk to my dad, I walked right past him.
I was embarrassed so I pretended not to see him.
We never talked about it, but I always suspected that he knew.
Bob is moved.
Bob is open and vulnerable.
Now I want to tell a story I've never told anyone.
I was just 9 years old and I went to visit my Uncle Gene at his paint store downtown.
And to this day, I still can't change my clothes unless it's completely dark.
Wow.
It feels great to finally get that off my chest.
So you met Diane Sawyer, huh? - Yeah, she was really nice.
- Uh-huh.
Well, uh, thanks for letting me observe you today, Dr.
Becker.
It was, well - Good night.
- Come back tomorrow.
Come back tomorrow.
It will be better, it will.
Dr.
Becker, you're hurting me.
Oh.
Besides, I was thinking I might go hang out with my dad tomorrow and see if I like his job.
He's a garbage man.
At least he gets to drive around in a cool truck.
Hey, everyone, the storeroom is finished.
Come and look.
Oh, all right.
I suppose my day can't get any worse.
Now I know you were sceptical, but believe me, I delivered.
As the French say, ta-da.
Linda, it's wonderful.
Oh, it really is.
Look at all that extra space.
- Ha, ha.
Good job.
- Thanks.
See what happens when instead of "commanding me to do," you allow me to be? You know something, she's gotta stop watching Oprah.
Oh.
Well, apparently my day could get worse.
I'm thinking even Oprah would kick her butt.
Don't worry, John, I'll have her take everything out first thing tomorrow.
Oh, it's not just this.
This whole day I've been looking at myself through that kid's eyes.
I feel so useless.
I mean, I knew the rest of my life was garbage, but I had the illusion that I was doing something here.
John.
No, I mean it, you know.
Is this the life I dreamed of when I was that kid's age? And if I had seen this day coming, would I have still become a doctor? You would've been a doctor no matter what.
It's just in your nature to help people.
Oh, Margaret.
And even though today wasn't that satisfying, you know that they're all not like that.
Hmm.
You're right.
That's Thank you.
That That helps.
Well, that's what working together is all about.
We do things for each other.
Oh.
That's nice.
- What? - You got my Sweet 'N Low? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
Dr.
Becker, come quick.
There's a man that needs your help.
Hurry, please.
He barely got through the door.
I don't know what's wrong.
I'll call 911.
Chalky pale, laboured breathing.
Margaret, get my crash cart.
This could be an infarction.
Oh, and, Linda, go get that kid.