Becker Episode Scripts

N/A - Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em

May I have your attention, please? Ahem, ahem.
I'm happy to report that I just quit smoking.
You said you would never do that again as long as I was still alive.
Now, don't worry.
This time I know I can do it.
You said that last time.
No, really, this time I'm serious.
I can make it.
- You said that last time.
- Hey, you know what, screw you guys.
You said that last time.
What put you over the edge this time? We're all ears.
Especially Jake, ha, ha.
I merely woke up to the fact that, as a health care professional, it's insane for me to go on smoking.
Price of cigarettes go up again? Yeah, 4.
50 a pack.
Can I have some coffee around here, or do I have to wait for the little man on the donkey to ride in with the beans? Think about it, Jake.
He's already given up cigarettes.
If I can get him off coffee, we'll never have to see him again.
- He's never gonna quit.
- I am too.
- Are not.
- Am too.
Oh, it's rare to find this level of repartee.
It's like PBS.
Yeah, without the P.
Why aren't you in my apartment fixing my radiator? - I've asked you like, what, five times? - Becker, I'm a super.
If I fixed everything, I'd be out of a job.
How about I light your hair on fire and use you to heat my apartment? Ooh, I'm shaking.
Like you'll be in about an hour.
Have you heard from the coffee, Reg? In a minute, Becker.
I need you to take my memory test.
What memory test? I've been asking you and you keep putting me off.
But my paper is due today.
Well, ask one of them to help.
L They already have.
Besides, I need you.
Everyone else I know in your age bracket is dead.
Uh, all right.
How does this little game of yours work? It's not a little game.
It happens to be a major requirement for my junior-college degree.
Oh, ha, ha, my mistake.
I'm gonna read you ten words and I will check back with you periodically to see what you remember.
Now listen carefully.
Hoof, rust, acid, elbow, egg, club, tree, bump, foot, cat.
You know, I got ten words for you, Reg.
Give me my damn coffee or I'll torch this place.
You can't even deal with the stress of not having coffee.
Just light up now and get it over with.
Jake, I am gonna quit smoking.
You know, I'll tell you how confident I am.
- Here, here, Margaret, take these.
- I don't want those.
- Well - Oh, don't forget these.
- Give those to Margaret.
- No, I don't want those either.
I quit smoking 20 years ago.
Well, then throw them away.
Well, why don't you throw them away? Throwing away anything he's already paid for would kill him faster.
Hey, yeah, chuckles, you don't think I can quit, do you? I think I made that pretty clear.
Yeah, I'll bet you 50 bucks I never smoke again.
Got 100 bucks that says you won't make it until 6:00.
- You got yourself a bet.
- I don't believe he can do it.
- I don't believe it either.
- I don't believe he's got 100 bucks.
Linda, any messages? Ahem.
Lots of them.
Would you like me to guess what they are? Cool.
Who do you think called? A hamster asking for his brain back? Okay, Margaret, I see you.
Yeah, in her own little subtle way there, Margaret's trying to warn you that I may be testy this morning because I gave up cigarettes.
But nothing to worry about.
I'm fine.
I'm perfectly fine.
That's great, Dr.
Oh, my God.
Oh, by the way, bring me, uh, Mrs.
Goldsmith's x-ray, will you? No problem.
Okay, you know the drill.
Just stay out of his way.
Eventually his head will explode and he'll start smoking again.
Now, you do have Mrs.
Goldsmith's x-ray, right? You told me to x-ray her hand yesterday, and that's exactly what I did, I x-rayed her hand.
Hello, Mrs.
It's Linda from Dr.
Becker's office.
We're gonna need you to come in so we can x-ray your hand.
You say you were in yesterday, and I x-rayed your foot? No, ha, ha, I'm sure I'd remember that.
Come in.
Are you smoking yet? No, Margaret.
I'm a non-smoker.
Uh, you know what? I'll just come back when you start again.
- It will be easier.
- Oh, don't be silly.
Come on in here.
Tell me what you wanna tell me.
I have to leave early today.
And leave me alone with Linda? Oh, no, not today, Margaret.
Not on the day I quit smoking.
You just said that you were fine.
Don't let the smile fool you.
I'm hanging by a thread here.
Look, you know that Louis and I are having problems.
Your marriage? On the rocks for months.
One more day's not gonna kill you.
Come on.
John, our travel agent called and said that all the arrangements have been made for a trip to Atlantic City.
- Today? - Louis planned a surprise for us.
You know, to make up.
Isn't that wonderful? - Today? - Today.
Yes, today.
It's all happening today.
And Mr.
Williams is waiting for you in Room 1.
Does Louis know I'm trying to quit smoking? Well, at least bring me a doughnut or something.
I'm starving.
Williams, how's the diet going? I'm going nuts.
All I think about is food.
- Oh.
- It's everywhere I look.
You don't know what it's like to crave something so badly and not be able to have it.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I think I do, actually.
Look, Mr.
Food addiction is a very real physiological condition.
But if you use your mind, you can overcome it.
I got a condition for you.
I'm starving.
Next time you feel this way, I want you to visualise a thinner, healthier you.
Come on, close your eyes.
Let's try it.
Come on.
Now tell me what you see.
I see a standing rib roast and garlic mashed potatoes.
- Mr.
Williams - All right, all right, I'll try and cut back.
But it's not easy.
I don't think I could get through this if it weren't for the smoking.
Do you have a standing rib roast with garlic mashed potatoes? I've got a standing pot of water with some hot dogs floating in it.
All right, I'll take a turkey sandwich, french fries, salad and that cake.
You mean a piece of cake? No, I mean the whole cake.
Well, it sounds like someone's going through a little withdrawal.
Yeah, maybe a little, but it's all gonna be worth it when I get your 100 bucks.
If you're so confident, wanna make it 200? - Yeah, it's fine with me, pal.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Will be like taking candy from a baby.
- Yeah.
A very cranky, smoky baby.
Don't you ever work? For your information, Marlboro Man, I was just on my way to the store to pick up parts for your clock radio.
Nothing wrong with my clock radio.
Oh, about that, huh.
You're gonna laugh.
See, there I was fixing your radiator, when all of a sudden I became overwhelmed with fatigue.
I decided to take a nap in your bed.
- My bed? - Yeah, your couch gives me a rash.
Anyway, all of a sudden I start having that dream, the one we all have, when you're making love to a woman and her legs turn into scissors.
You were in my bed? Yeah, and I was just falling asleep when all of a sudden I was awakened by the hissing radiator.
So I got spooked and I hurled your clock radio at it.
If I found you in my bed, I know I'd hurl.
Let's get specific here, shall we, Bob? Were you on my bed or in my bed? - Oh, I was under the covers.
- Oh, jeez.
It's freezing in there.
Your radiator's broken.
I know it's broken.
That's why I keep calling you.
Easy, filter tip, I'll fix it.
- Whoo.
- Yeah.
Okay, Becker, before you leave, tell me what words you remember.
What? Oh, uh, hoof, elbow, bump, rust, cat.
Fungus isn't on the list.
I know that.
I'm talking about my sandwich.
Don't get cute.
That's lettuce.
Let me make you another sandwich.
Hello, Dr.
Oh, God.
Hello, Mrs.
Linda just told me you quit smoking.
Thank you very much.
Anyway, remember the other day when I was feeling ill? Well, I was at home lying in bed trying to remember what it was you told me to do, so I thought I'd come down and check.
Bed rest.
Get plenty of bed rest.
Oh, that's right.
Silly me.
I swear, if my head wasn't attached, I'd Well, I'm off.
Yes, you are.
I'm gonna be back having my lunch Oh, yeah, whatever happened to Mrs.
Goldsmith's x-ray? Mrs.
Goldsmith's x-ray.
So where is it? Exactly where it should be.
Oh, okay.
Good, good, good.
Goldsmith, so glad that you could come in today.
You've changed your hair since I last saw you.
I was just here yesterday.
Oh, no, dear.
I was here yesterday, and I can assure you that you weren't.
Now, how about we get that x-ray? Do we have any ketchup? Um, you hate ketchup.
Oh, yeah, right.
Wait a minute.
No, I don't.
Why did you say I hate ketchup? I don't hate ketchup.
Oh, ketchup.
I thought you said "metchup.
" Why would I say "metchup"? I don't know.
You said it.
What's all that banging? Don't worry, I already called the plumber.
Oh, yeah? What's the problem? You do not wanna know.
Why did you push me into the bathroom? You asked to go in the bathroom.
No, I didn't.
Goldsmith, there's no need to be embarrassed.
This is a doctor's office.
Now, how about we get that x-ray? Well, it's this way, right? No, dear, it's this way.
Why put ketchup in a bottle if you can't get it out? Jeez.
Weren't you just holding that door closed? Weren't you just looking for the ketchup? I already found it.
Then what's your problem? Well, I, um You know, Dr.
Becker, obviously you're really stressed out about this not-smoking thing.
Why don't you go outside and get some fresh air.
Yeah, right.
Oh, boy.
Boy, that's really good air.
Margaret? What the hell are you doing? Smoking.
And it's all your fault.
With everything that's going on today, and with your cigarettes in my pocket, I couldn't help it.
But why? You remember the surprise trip that Louis and I were supposed to be taking to Atlantic City? Well, there was a surprise, all right.
Louis is going alone.
No, I mean why are you smoking in front of me? I got 200 bucks riding on this.
I mean, are you trying to make this impossible? Don't you want me to quit? News flash: It isn't always about you.
Huh? - I am talking about my marriage here.
- Oh.
Don't you have any compassion? I'm sorry.
Louis is not the type to run around with another woman, so put that right out of your mind.
Thanks, John, it wasn't in my mind until just now.
Really? Boy, that'd be the first thing I'd think of.
Uh, Margaret, you know, this happens in all marriages.
You know, Louis just needs to blow off a little smoke.
I mean steam.
Blow off a little steam.
He'll have a few drinks, play cards, he'll be back before you know it.
Now, put that cigarette down.
Here, I'll take it.
You know, you are pathetic.
And this is disgusting.
Ooh, I should've never come out here.
Now what did? Did you throw? Oh, come on, Margaret.
You realise there are kids in Third World countries who go to bed at night without cigarettes? Oh, God, oh.
Thanks for coming in, Mrs.
I'll have the doctor take a look at this immediately.
Hey, Margaret, I have Mrs.
Goldsmith's Linda, why is the empty coffeepot still on the burner? It's gonna break.
We can't keep buying new coffeepots because you forget to keep them filled.
I did not drop out of manicure school to make coffee.
Now, Linda, don't make coffee now.
We have patients waiting.
Bring me Mr.
Chen's file, will you? You know, for God's sake, there's 200 bucks in it if I make it through the day without smoking, so help me, will you? Make coffee.
Don't make coffee.
God, don't they think I can do anything right? And bring me Mrs.
Goldsmith's x-ray.
Got it.
Hi, Mrs.
It's Linda from Dr.
Becker's office.
You may not remember me, but our records show that it's been several months since your last visit, and, uh, we're gonna need you to come on in so we can x-ray your hand.
Hey, Reg, don't you ever sweep the sidewalk outside this place? The sidewalk belongs to the city.
Not my job.
How about a cup of coffee? Is that your job? Let me guess, Becker.
Still a little low on vitamin smoke? Shut the hell up, will you? Oh, please tell me that's not my clock radio.
Well, technically, this is the clock and this is the radio.
And I don't know what the hell all this other crap is.
For God's sake.
Hey, you sound a little stressed out there, buddy.
Think you might need, oh, I don't know, a cigarette? No, as a matter of fact, I don't need a cigarette.
In case you've forgotten, I don't smoke.
I'm a non-smoker.
While you're here, let's do the memory test.
- Oh, come on.
- No, I need to finish my report.
Okay, tell me the words you remember.
- Hoof.
Uh, elbow - Antenna coil.
- Bump, antenna coil.
- Tuning knob.
- 6.
8 volt diode.
- Tuning knob, 6.
8 Hey, shut the hell up, will you? Where was I? About to have a cigarette? John, you may as well just pay me now.
You know what? Give me 200 bucks, and I'll throw in free smokes.
I'm not gonna pay you now.
I'm not gonna pay you ever.
I'm so sure that I'm gonna win this.
You know what, let's raise the bet to 300 bucks.
Three hundred bucks? You're on.
Don't try sneaking a smoke because I already talked to Margaret and Linda.
- I have eyes everywhere.
- You don't have eyes anywhere.
I know I was here this morning, and I know you took my x-ray.
No, I didn't see the Neil Sedaka concert.
Was it good? What are you talking about? No, I didn't see the Neil Sedaka concert.
Was it good? Yeah.
Linda, I can't find that x-ray anywhere.
Where are you? Linda Hello, Dr.
Oh, not again.
Not today, jeez.
Remember when I was here, - and told me to get plenty of bed rest? - Vividly.
If I was to fall asleep on the couch, would that count as bed rest? - What? - Or what about a loveseat? Although I can't really stretch out on a loveseat, but I could on a hammock.
But I don't have a hammock.
Any idea where I can buy one? They sell them in hell.
And, you know, in fact, I'm there now.
- Why don't I pick one up for you? - Pardon? You wanna spend time alone, Louis? Fine, take all the damn time you want.
Just wait here.
Stay a whole damn month if you want.
- What the hell's going on in here? - Nothing.
- Well, you gonna answer it? - It's Louis.
I don't wanna talk to him.
- Well, what if it's not Louis? - Oh, it's Louis.
Hey, you don't know that, Margaret.
Doctor's office.
Oh, hi, Louis.
Not talking to him.
Why does this happen on the day I'm trying to quit? Again, not about you.
I don't think she wants to talk to you right now, Louis.
Don't make me give that message.
Hold on.
Doctor's office.
No, you gotta make an appointment.
I don't do All right, just hold on, will you? Linda? Becker, you busy? Did Jake send you to check up on me? Go back there and tell him I'm not smoking.
This is not about that.
I need you to take the memory test again.
- Oh, now? - Yeah, I've got class.
All right, give me a second here.
Yeah, Louis, can you? Can you work this out on your own time? You're gonna cost me, like, 300 bucks.
Hold for a second.
Yeah? Doctor's office.
Hold, please.
Yeah, Margaret? I told you, I'm not talking to Louis.
Oh, hi, Reg.
Why aren't you talking to Louis? Because he's being an ass.
- What makes him act like that? - Oh, tell me about it.
Tell her about it some other time, will you? Oh, girl, let me tell you what this man did.
I didn't know you were having problems.
- Margaret, will you please? Just - No.
Forget it.
Linda, will you help me out with the phones here, please? You know, this man - Doctor's office.
No, if this were Sal's Pizzeria, I wouldn't have said "doctor's office," would I? Shoot.
I need you to take the test.
I wanna go to class tonight.
All right, I'll take your test now.
Uh, just hold on a second, will you? Doctor's office.
All right, fine.
A large pizza.
I got it.
Becker, Linda keeps bringing me in for x-rays and talking about Neil Sedaka.
Pepperoni, cheese, I got it.
Yeah, bump, rust, hoof, egg.
Oh, dear.
Nothing makes any sense.
Reggie, I can't do this right now.
Please hold Oh, shoot.
- Hello? - Wow, 40 percent retention.
- My lab rat got 50.
Hello? He doesn't remember anything unless it has to do with him.
- Hey, John.
- What? - I just came by to collect my money.
- Yeah, not gonna happen.
- I only got ten minutes left, pal.
- Ha-ha-ha.
We'll see.
- Dr.
Becker - Oh, what? If you're finished with me, I think I'll just go rest at home.
Yeah, you belong in a rest home.
- I guess I could use some time off.
- Hello? My aunt was in a rest home and I went there to see their production of Death of a Salesman.
Hello? And the guy playing Willy Loman actually died.
Hey, Linda, will you please help me with the phones, for God's A cigarette might calm you down.
Yeah, doctor's office.
Linda? What is it now? What, the "metchup"? The plumbing? Why are you on the phone? Because I'm afraid to talk to you in person.
I just wanted you to know I have Mrs.
Goldsmith's x-ray.
- Not now, Linda? No.
Why does everything happen to me? For the last time, it's not about you.
I drove a lady crazy just to get you this damn x-ray and you don't even care.
Who? Mr.
Compassion? You know, if he wants her x-ray done again, you're gonna have to do it.
- Not me, ask him.
You hear me? If he wants your x-ray now, you're gonna have to do it.
Oh, no, no.
You tell him.
You ask him about it.
Becker? - I tell you, I just don't - Dr.
Becker? Dr.
Becker? Oh, God, I'm just pathetic.