Becker Episode Scripts

N/A - Small Wonder

Why are we here again? Mr.
Ackerman needs home care.
Well, why doesn't he get a doctor in Manhattan? For some reason, he likes you.
Yeah, well, he better be damn sick.
Excuse me, ma'am.
I wonder if you could Oh, absolutely.
Hey, you know, what does she look like, a walking ATM? You know, don't give him a dime.
John, it's okay.
No, it's not.
Hey, you know, you want money? Look in the newspaper.
Here, let me show you something.
Look at that.
That's the Classifieds.
You know what that is? That's where people go when they're looking for a job.
You remember what a job is? You know, that's where you work all day.
At the end of the week, they give you money.
You know, ma'am, all I wanted to know was if you knew directions to the St.
Ann's Shelter.
I've gotta get cleaned up.
I've got a job interview later today.
You were saying? Three blocks up on the right.
You can't miss it.
Thank you, ma'am.
And as for you, with a coat like that, I should be giving you a buck.
Boy, does he smell.
I heard that! If he hadn't done it, I might have.
Good morning.
You're late.
And you're blond.
I wasn't sure if you'd notice.
Do you like it? Well, it's, uh No.
Did you do that yourself? Of course not.
This is a very complicated process.
I had it done at a stand on the side of the expressway.
Five dollars for sunglasses, hair coloring or a pound of crabmeat.
You're kidding me? Five dollars for a pound of crabmeat? Hi, I'm your new delivery man, Arnoldo.
Uh, the cooler is down the hall, to the left.
Oh, my God.
Margaret, you have to do something.
What? Just Oh, John, don't tell me you still have that weird thing.
Yeah, when are you gonna have that thing removed? Have what removed? Oh, then never mind.
This is not a joke.
Every time I see one of those guys, something terrible happens.
Something terrible happens whenever you see a water-delivery guy? No, whenever I see one of those little-people persons.
Oh, John, please.
Don't argue with me.
Just call the company and get us a new guy, please.
Do you honestly expect me to ask them to replace that nice man just because you think that little people make bad things happen? I don't see the problem.
Look, I'm not saying he's not a perfectly nice guy Have a nice day, folks.
You too.
I'm just saying he's a harbinger of doom.
Hey, Vinny.
How you doing? I'm good.
That's not what it says here.
Your cholesterol has broken 300.
Wow, you were wise not to sell at 268.
Here we go.
Yeah, that's right.
Let's do the dance.
Have you quit smoking? Changed your diet? Started exercising, reduced your stress? I bought one of those vibrating armchairs.
Oh, good.
Good, good, good.
Well, now, pick it up and go for a walk, you moron.
What am I gonna do? I love eating, I love smoking and I hate exercise.
I've tried to get in shape.
It's just too damn hard.
It's not that hard, you know.
Have some self-control, will you? You smoke.
I do not.
I've seen you.
Yeah, we're not talking about me, are we? All right, do you exercise? Yes.
Yes, I do.
I exercise.
What do you do? I I run and I swim and I skip.
You skip? Yeah.
I skip.
It's the latest thing.
You know what, I'll make you a deal.
Next time you go to the gym, take me with you.
You can show me what to do.
Couldn't you go by yourself? I tried, but it's like there's something that stops me from going inside.
Would it help if they buttered the door? If it's the only way I'm gonna get you into a gym, you can come with me.
You know, he's out of shape, and I have to suffer.
Margaret, you know that stereotype about blonds being easy? Yes? All of a sudden, the guy at the doughnut shop was totally hitting on me.
It's like now that I'm blond, he assumes I'm easy.
"Sex toy"? That's what the guy in the doughnut shop called me.
Don't worry, Vinny, we'll get you in shape.
Hey, uh, thanks a lot, Dr.
I really appreciate it.
No problem.
I belong to a great gym.
I need to join a gym.
You already belong to a gym.
I do? Brick building, two blocks over, smells like sweat? Reggie's diner? Bronx Fitness.
Oh, right, right, right.
All right, so where's my gym bag? Next to your guitar and Tae Bo tapes in the I'm-gonna-change-my-life corner of the storage room.
And you know why they're in the corner? Because your NordicTrack and pottery wheel are taking up all the room.
All right, let's stop before someone gets hurt.
Morning, everybody.
Reg, can I have some coffee to go, please? Hey, Sweating to the Oldies, what's with the outfit? I'm going to the gym.
No, seriously.
No, seriously.
No, seriously.
Why are you so surprised? Just so happens I used to work out regularly.
Oh, yeah, right.
How long has it been now? I don't know.
A few months.
A few months? Months, years, 1989, whatever.
Ah You know, we got a new water-delivery guy down at the office, and he's one of those little-people persons, you know? You know, right after I saw him, one of my patients tricked me into going down to the gym.
Becker, you really shouldn't Oh, please, what am I supposed to say? Height impaired, vertically challenged, abbreviated Americans? All I know is they're bad luck.
Oh, for crying See what I mean? Bad luck.
So you think a monster lives under your bed? Or that if you step on a crack, you'll break your mother's back? No, listen.
You know, I would expect this kind of bigoted, narrow-minded crap from some drunk in a bar, but you're a doctor.
You should know better.
Look, don't take this the wrong way.
It's I don't think that you guys are bad luck.
I'm just saying, whenever I see one of you fellas, I know bad luck's on its way.
You're going to the gym, right? Yeah.
Can you do a deep knee bend? Yeah.
Then you can kiss my ass.
Well, I gotta go.
I got deliveries downtown.
I'm going that way.
Could I bum a ride? Yeah, sure.
Do you believe that guy? I mean, it's hard enough for people like you and me as it is, right? You and me? Yeah.
You're Italian, right? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Italian, right.
John, when you get to the gym, you ought to see if they have a machine that'll take your foot out of your mouth.
You think because a little person was in here, a bad thing is gonna happen? That's absurd.
You were saying? That has nothing to do with Arnoldo.
This whole place is falling apart.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you two members? Oh, yeah, I am.
Uh, he's my guest.
I work out here all the time.
Oh, I've never seen you.
Well, that's probably because, uh, I come here at night when the other girl is here.
You mean Bruce? You said you came here all the time.
I do, I do.
She's confused.
Um, yeah, this card is handwritten.
We got computers, like, a zillion years ago.
Well, so look it up.
Blonds, huh? Oh, yeah, here it is.
This membership has expired.
Expired? How could it be expired? It's a lifetime membership.
You know, can I talk to someone in charge, please? Well, you could take it up with the gym's previous owners, but they've also expired.
Maybe we should just go.
No, no, no.
Look, I'm a doctor.
I wanna work out with my patient.
Now, what do I need to do? Well, you could join the gym.
Oh Look, let's forget it.
Let's go get a pizza.
No, what do you? You know, this would be a great gym for you.
We don't discriminate on the basis of age or fitness level.
Oh, thank you very much.
You know, I'll join again.
We offer three months for $69.
And, uh, that's $15 extra for the guest pass.
Unless you're a couple, then it's only a dollar extra.
Honey, give her a dollar.
You're 15 minutes late, Mr.
We're trying to run a medical office here.
When one person is late, it puts the doctor behind schedule and pushes everything back for the rest of the day.
I'm sorry.
It won't happen again.
Which room should I go to? Oh, just have a seat.
The doctor's not here yet.
What a ditz.
Do you believe that, Margaret? Mr.
Hayward just called me a ditz, and I think I know why.
It's because of my hair.
People think blonds are dumb, so he's assuming I'm dumb.
Oh, come on, Linda, you're not thatblond.
Oh, good, you're finally here.
You've got patients waiting.
Where have you been? Uh, well, I was at the, uh I was at the gym.
For three hours? No, you don't understand, Margaret.
Vinny Deluca had a heart attack.
I can't believe Mr.
Deluca had a heart attack.
It's so shocking.
Yeah, just yesterday, he looked so Well, it's still shocking.
I gave him CPR, and then the paramedics took us to Columbia Presbyterian, where they did an emergency angioplasty.
He's stable, but I Mm.
Thank God.
Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to take him to the gym.
Well, what happened? Did he try to do too much? No, no, he hardly did anything.
I mean, you know, he watched me on the treadmill for a while, and when he finally got up, he took three steps, said, "this feels great," you know, clutched his chest and hit the deck.
There's no way that felt great.
Okay, ready? Wait, hold on, hold on.
Now, why do I have to hold the nail? Well, you're sure as hell not swinging the hammer.
Mother of mercy, Bob is wounded.
What happened? Wow, do you really care? Well, no, but you're on crutches, so I'm kind of curious.
Well, long story short, Becker was right.
Those people are bad luck.
What are you talking about? I left here with that little Arnoldo guy, and I had the worst day of my life.
First, I twist my ankle getting out of his minivan.
And, yes, I'm aware of the irony there.
I turn around to ask him for help, and he's halfway down the block.
So I take a cab.
But when I go to pay, I realized that I left my wallet in Arnoldo's van.
The cabby was so pissed, I had to give him my watch, my belt and Jake's name and address.
Wait, my name and address? I wasn't gonna give him mine.
This guy looked crazy.
Oh, good, Bob, you're here.
I came to return your wallet.
Hope it didn't inconvenience you any.
Hey, what happened to your ankle? I sprained it getting out of your mini Your car.
No kidding.
Tough luck.
Well, here you go.
Can I get you anything? Uh, maybe just a muffin.
Uh, Reg, are we gonna do this or not? Oh, yeah, right.
Okay, ready? Okay.
Just be careful of my fingers.
I'm in the middle of a really great book.
Don't worry.
Oh! Oh, my God, Jake.
I'm so sorry.
I have no idea how that happened.
Let me get you some ice.
Yeah, I think I know how that happened.
Is he still here? Who? Bob? Never mind.
You know, I think I'm just gonna take this to go.
I gotta get home.
Need a ride, Bob? No! I mean, no, thank you.
Suit yourself.
Oh, for crying out loud.
Reg, could I have some coffee, please? Oh, man, what a lousy day I've had.
I took a patient of mine to the gym.
He had a heart attack.
Is he all right? That's terrible.
No, he's stable, but I just What's going? What happened to your hand? And why are you on crutches? Yeah? I'll give you three little guesses.
Come on, Bob, it's not fair to blame Arnoldo.
He's gone, Jake.
It's Arnoldo.
Well, of course it is.
It's all making sense.
Yeah, my patient, your hand and your foot.
I mean, whenever one of those guys is around, something bad happens.
You're all being ridiculous.
Bad things happen because bad things happen.
It's all a stupid coincidence.
Aw, relax.
They're all loose.
Becker, Mrs.
Cohen called.
She said that the Restoril you gave her isn't helping her sleep.
She wants to know if you could prescribe her something else.
Uh Ambien, maybe.
No, she's got that weird insurance.
Uh What's generic for "Ambien"? What? I was just thinking out loud.
You wouldn't understand.
Why wouldn't I understand? Because I'm blond? Oh, for You know, I'm gonna dye my hair back to what I'm pretty sure is my natural color, so I can be treated like the intelligent person that I am.
Oh, and by the way, the generic for Ambien is zolpidem tartrate.
One day, I forgot my magazines, and the only thing here to read was your stupid medical book.
Hey, wanna look at my ass? No, thanks.
Aren't you here to check my hemorrhoids? No, no.
I'm I'm his doctor.
While you're here, you wanna take a peek? They're huge.
No, I'll pass.
Uh, do me a favor, will you? Uh, when he wakes up, tell him Dr.
Becker dropped by.
I don't wanna disturb him.
Oh, don't be silly.
Vinny, you got a visitor! Oh, hey, doc.
How you doing, Vinny? Oh, not bad.
Yeah, well, your vital signs are looking good, and I'm glad to see the rhythm has stabilized.
So they tell me.
Have you seen his hemorrhoids? They're amazing.
There's gotta be something else to watch around here.
Don't you guys get cable or something? Hey, uh, I wanna talk to you for a second.
Uh You know, when something bad happens to a patient, it's It's very upsetting.
You know, especially if that thing could have been avoided.
And when that happens Hey, doc, quick question.
How soon am I gonna be able to sit down without that doughnut? I'd I'd have to look, and no, I'm not going to.
Come on.
You know you're curious.
Look, anyway, uh, you know, when a A patient gets injured, a doctor can't help but question himself.
What What I'm What I'm trying to say is, you know, I'm just wondering if I failed you in some way, Vinny.
You know, may Maybe I should've tried harder to get you to quit smoking or change your diet or, you know, maybe get you to handle your stress better.
You know, I've had a long time to sit here and think about this, and I Hey, anybody want a half a corned-beef sandwich? Sure.
No, no.
Hey, no.
Go on, please.
Anyway, like I was saying, I mean, I've I've given this a lot of thought and How about cake? I got cake.
Hey, you know, there's a reason why.
God inflated your ass to gigantic proportions.
Now shut up and let us talk, will you? Fine, fine.
More for me.
Look, Dr.
Becker, what I'm trying to say is: Don't blame yourself.
I should've taken your advice and started taking care of myself years ago.
I'm just lucky you were there when this happened.
I owe you my life.
Thanks very much.
I really appreciate hearing that.
Well, you You, uh You get some rest, and I'll come by and see you tomorrow, all right? Hey, if you're going, would you open the curtain? Oh, that's just Told you.
You know, you You're right.
They're absolutely amazing.
You can all relax.
The fire is out.
Boy, that was something.
The way it started, just like that.
Yeah, just like that.
What? Accidents happen, right? Oh, you don't think that was my fault? No.
Morning, everybody.
You know what you've done, huh? You've spread your poison, and now they all think I'm bad luck.
Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.
No, wait, wait.
Sit down, please.
Why? Please.
Look, I I want to apologize.
Ahem, what I said to you yesterday was stupid and cruel.
Nobody should be made to feel the way I made you feel.
What it's worth, I'm sorry.
Thanks, Dr.
You're Dr.
Becker? Yeah.
John Becker? The doctor who saved the guy's life at the gym? Yeah, that's me.
Well, I think it's a hell of a thing you did.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Oh, thank you very much.
Listen, I'm sorry about this, but you've been served.
Vinny Deluca's suing me for malpractice.
He says He says that I gave him a heart attack.
I mean, what the hell is that? I save the man's life and he's suing me? I mean, how could that happen? I'm going, I'm going.
I'm going.