Benched (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Now, I'm thinking that this is probably a little smaller than your previous place, but it's still pretty nice.
You know, the landlord's a buddy of mine.
This place isn't even listed.
He's letting us get in early.
Take a look.
So, Nina Whitley, welcome to your new home.
Huh? Huh.
Okay.
Is there another half? No, this is the whole thing.
Okay, um [Clears throat.]
You know what, I do like to take a place and make it my own, do some decorating and some futzing.
I'm a bit of a futzer.
Wow, were the last tenants who lived here Keebler Elves? This place is really tiny.
I don't know if I can do it.
I don't think I can do this.
I can't, actually.
I can't do this.
I can't Where would I put my i-shaped couch? Hey, you're a public defender now.
This is a public defender-sized space.
You want to live in a murder-free zip code in this area this is the size.
Listen, between us, I'd jump on this quick.
It's not gonna be around forever, so what do you say? Oh, my God.
You're getting a commission from your little landlord buddy friend, aren't you? What? It's not a game-changing amount.
I mean, it's more I'm doing a favor for the guy.
It's win-win for everybody.
Son of a bitch.
Hey, now Benched - 01x02 Downsizing Hey, now [Telephone rings.]
All right, boys and girls, it's that time of the year again.
The time when you shed your larvae skin, become a butterfly? I'm talking about the Keely Foundation fundraising gala Where we beg for money for this sinking ship, and if you want a job to come back to, you'll schmooze, suck up, and do whatever you have to do to whore yourselves out, huh? I'm fine with being a whore.
That's the next thing on the agenda, Cheryl.
This year, try to keep the drunkenness down to about a six, huh? And if you do hook up with a valet again, not in public.
In my defense, I thought his car windows were more tinted than they were.
And I also need somebody to do the obligatory thank-you speech on our behalf.
Anybody? Any takers? Anyone? - I'll do it.
- Whatever.
Well, this all sounds super exciting, and it's gonna literally kill me to miss it, but I won't be there.
- And why not? - I have a thing.
- Of course you do.
- Oh, boy, a thing? Well, if you must know, I coach a basketball team of at-risk kids, and that's the night of their championship game.
Whatever.
I hate kids.
Look, I want the rest of you to make sure you're there, and make sure you thank everybody from the foundation for that goddamn copier that they gave us, okay? Okay? I can't hear your heads rattling.
Yes, yes, okay.
- Wow, you are good.
- Good at what? What is it really? You can tell me.
I get it.
I mean, this thing sounds like a nightmare.
What? No, no.
I love hanging around with a bunch of jagbag lawyers watching them mingle and grease each other up like seals.
Jagbags, which are That's what you get when you combine jag-off corporate lawyers and douche bag corporate lawyers Jagbag.
How many jagbags are gonna be there? Let's see.
All of them.
- All all of them? - Yeah, every firm.
They send their best jagbags, and it's like a Harry Potter convention, except instead of nerds in robes, it's jagbags in suits.
Well, I think this girl needs to get her Potter wand broom thingy and get ready to fight some wizard zombies in glasses.
I've never seen the movie.
So now you want to do the speech? Sure, I think I'd be good at it, and I get the value of saying thanks to all the people who help us, you know, the little people.
Bulldick, you just want to show off in front of these people, so that you can weasel your way back into money law.
Maybe.
I have needs.
My my skin has needs, okay? I have a very complicated t-zone, and there isn't any one product that can tame it.
Look, these are my people.
I speak fluent jagbag, all right? So just let me do this.
- I'd be I'd be - Fine, whatever.
I really don't give a sh Just go back to doing lawyer things, huh? You're not gonna regret this.
Thank you so much.
I yeah.
Okay, uh, Whispers.
- Hmm.
- That's your real name.
All right, you're off on probation and a fine for soliciting.
- Oh.
- A little advice.
You seem like a smart girl.
You can do better than this.
You're right.
It's time for me to take that step up, even though change can be so hard.
Oh, God, I hear you.
You should see this hovel I might have to move into.
Hey, Nina, I've been meaning to ask.
Okay.
How do I get a Trent? A what? A Trent.
Handsome, successful.
It's been a ragged year on the man front, and I usually don't even get a good look at them until the next day, and then by then, you know, teeth in the glass, wig on the floor.
Right.
You got a Trent.
How did you do it? You realize he dumped me, right? Okay, but pre-dumped Nina What would she have done? This fundraiser is coming up, and it's my best chance to meet a fancy guy like the kind you used to get.
Well, it's actually not that hard, Cheryl.
You just you find something you want, whether it be a job or a guy like Trent who wears a suit so tailored it makes you derail every single one of your dreams And then you focus.
You focus on that voice inside of you that says, "that's mine.
" And nothing else should matter.
What about the voice that says, "you deserve nothing"? - Is that a voice? - You don't hear it? No.
They said no.
No? What do you Wait, what do you mean they said no? - They didn't approve you to give the speech.
- Not approving? "They"? Who's "they"? The head of the events committee, Debbie Mathersons.
From Schuster Alexander? Sh Debbie my old firm.
Ah, now it makes sense.
At first I thought who the hell cares about some dumb speech? Did you think they'd forget your complete mental collapse in the lobby after smashing a million-dollar vase from Eddie Rabbitt? Elton John.
Eddie Rabbitt? What the hell is wrong with you? I love the rainy night, you and I, Juice Newton don't you get out? Yeah, but not a lot since 1970.
Look, I'm better now.
Can't you call her and tell her that I'm a new person? - Yeah.
- You're not gonna call her.
- No.
- Bye, Burt.
Bye, angry lady.
And please, thank Debbie again for taking this meeting.
Yeah, I'll def I will definitely be there.
Thank you, thank you.
Okay, bye.
Yes.
Wow.
You want it that bad? You will literally grovel to the woman that got the promotion you deserved By sleeping with the boss.
And that's not deeply humiliating? Do you know what's deeply humiliating Is having a client pee in your purse while the judge laughs at your bail request.
I belong in corporate law - Oh.
- Among nice things.
No, you don't get up on your medium horse, Mr.
"I have to skip the fundraiser for a thing.
" Quick, how many boys you coach? Trick question.
We got a girl.
She's got the best jump shot.
- Oh, yeah, what's her name? - Melinda.
- What's your center's name? - Marnold Estefan Evez.
Shame on you.
Oh, you're new.
Hi, Nina Whitley for Debbie Mathersons.
Miss Mathersons? Uh, miss Whitley is here to see you.
[Clears throat.]
[Overlapping chatter.]
[Table clatters.]
- Nina.
- Hey, Debbie.
How you doing? This is not what it looks like.
That you broke a table and almost another expensive vase? Oh, okay, then it is what it looks like.
Oh, wow.
It looks much bigger than it did on my vision board.
Please excuse the mess.
I've been going back and forth with my decorator.
My life is a series of Chenille Swatches.
Mine too.
Wow, is that the new Hermes? - It is.
- Can I touch it? - I wish you wouldn't.
- Okay.
Yeah, that was weird.
I see how that was weird.
Listen, Debbie, I just wanted to come and tell you that I understand why you didn't want to approve me for the speech.
Listen, Nina, you really don't have to do this.
No, I do.
I mean, after the way I acted, look, I probably would've turned me down too.
I was in a very stressful place, and you you won that partnership fair and square.
Listen, I know you think I was sleeping with Winston.
What? No.
If I implied that, no.
Oh, he wanted to, big time.
He texted me words and pictures to that effect, so I blackmailed him.
Like, blackmail-blackmail? Like blackmail.
It works.
Whatever it takes, right? Yeah.
Oh, God, Debbie, I want back in so bad, I can taste it in my mouth.
I can feel it in my bones, and a little bit down there, okay, and this speech is my ticket to any job with an office and a chair with a lever that makes it go up and down and makes that [blowing air.]
Noise.
[Sighs.]
And if you let me back in the game, you've got a lawyer who owes you a huge favor.
So you do me a solid, down the road sisters.
I like that.
Like, when one sister owns the other sister.
Yeah.
I got the speech.
I nailed it.
I am back.
Still got it, bitches.
- You actually did it? - Yup.
I'm impressed with your balls.
Well, if you were coming to the fundraiser, you'd get to see them in a dress because I'm gonna be all cleavage and balls.
Wait, why is she giving the speech? - She begged.
- But I raised my hand.
Yeah, listlessly.
I mean, I didn't know you were actually interested.
Here.
Fact by the year 2045, over 90% of American babies will be born in prison.
What the hell? That's not a fact.
It's my own projections.
It's a first draft.
You can't insult these people.
Who give a sh about those people? It's our night, the public defenders.
We get to say and do what we want.
He actually makes a great point.
You get free booze.
You're getting free shrimp.
Quit while you're ahead.
That's also a great point.
Nina is doing the speech, end of story.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a warm welcome to the hardest working P.
D.
in No, no, no.
I'm not working on cases.
I'm working on my speech.
Oh, the speech that's gonna save Nina Whitley from the indignity of living in a normal-sized apartment.
Almost sad I'm gonna miss it.
Oh, but of course, you've got those little boys, Melinda, and Marnold Estefan Evez in their tattered uniforms and their little toes poking out of their mismatched shoes.
No, actually, I got a bail bonds place to sponsor some sweet new uniforms.
Okay, you're just doing bad news bears now.
Let's drop it.
Okay, well, I just came to get my bag.
Good luck with the speech.
Wait, can I ask you your honest opinion? - Sure.
- Okay.
This is for my opening.
I always thought my success would be meaningful.
Was it meaningful when I got my fulbright scholarship or when I was profiled in the online version of New York Magazine's 30 under 30 power players? Are you gonna mention the part where you sold the most girl scout cookies? I did.
How did you know that? - It's a wild guess.
- Get this.
I traded Brenda Clinger all my shortbreads for all of her samoas.
I mean, why would she do that? It's all about the samoas.
She was so screwed.
Oh, my God, she cried, and she cried, and she cried, and then she got her period.
God, I loved the girl scouts.
You do belong in that world.
You deserve it.
Thank you.
Mm.
That's so sweet.
Wait [stammers.]
That was a compliment, right? Goodnight, Whitley.
[Upbeat music.]
Look at all this, like pigs to a trough.
These people are disgusting.
What do you call what you're doing? I'm eating crab cakes.
They're perishable.
So we can't give them to the poor people.
They got crab cakes? Who do you got to blow around here to get a crab cake? I think that'd be me.
Whoa.
[Gasps.]
Nina, you look amazeballs.
Thank you, Cheryl.
So do you.
I love that dress.
It's very sophisticated.
[Squeals.]
That's what I was going for.
Spanx.
[Whispers.]
No panties.
Day-to-night.
Look at you, Nina, just so lovely.
You look so sturdy in that gown.
Thank you.
I've always admired women with diminutive bust lines who aren't afraid to feature their shoulders.
Right.
There are people you should meet here.
Are you ready to work the room? Work the roo yes.
Thank you so much, Debbie.
Oh, don't thank me, just owe me.
Thanks for the copier.
Nina Whitley, I'd like you to meet Maria Keely of the Keely Foundation.
I can't believe we're finally getting to meet.
I have heard so much about you.
Oh, that has all been so widely exaggerated.
It was actually a very small vase.
It slipped right out of my hands.
Nope.
Nope.
But that's not even what you're talking about.
I know who you are, Maria.
Your name's on the ice sculpture by the shrimp, and your hair is amazing.
It's so shiny, and you look like you're airbrushed.
Is that a weird thing to say to somebody? Only if you say it out loud.
[Laughter.]
Isn't she hilarious? I find her fun.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, I can't wait to hear your speech, Nina? - Great.
- Congresswoman Phelps.
- Excuse me, ladies.
- Oh, yes, yes.
Off you go.
Thank you so much, Debbie.
- Thank you so much.
- Do not screw up that speech, hmm? Uh-huh.
- Hey, there.
- Oh.
- How you doing tonight? - Oh, I'm better now.
[Laughs.]
I'm Cheryl.
- And you are? - Rich.
Well, of course you are.
I thought success No, I thought real success.
[Exhales.]
Okay, focus.
Focus.
Just focus.
- [Whistles.]
- I thought Oh, my God, there was no game.
You came here for me.
[Singsong.]
You like me.
- Oh, there was a game.
- Okay.
It ended early.
You go up by 20, they call it.
Okay, so a half hour ago, you were all sweaty in your tube socks and your old whistle thingy, and now, you're here with the hair and the woodsy spice smell and jawline-y thing, and right.
Right, right, right, okay.
Look at you, doing good.
Schmoozing, huh? Oh, you saw that? Yeah, that was Maria Keely of the Keely Foundation.
She loved me.
She knows everyone.
Phil, if I nail this speech, I am so back in.
I mean, I'm gonna be unstoppable.
Trent.
Nina, hi.
Hey.
- Wow, you look amazing.
- Oh.
Phil, you're looking pretty good.
Oh, thank you.
I look better than her though, - right? - I don't know.
It's close.
Why are you here? This is a public defender thing.
No, relax.
I'm just here as a plus one.
Plus one? Like, plus one what? - Hey, peanut butter pie.
- Hey.
- Oh, you made it.
- Yeah.
Nina, this is Maria.
Oh, we met.
Maria, Maria.
You know what, I got to go see a man about a something's burning, so She okay? I don't know, but I think she just went - into the men's bathroom.
- Oh, my bad! Oh, there she is.
She figured it out.
Trent's fiancee is Maria.
Rich, perfect, beautiful, rich Maria.
- You said "rich" twice.
- Yeah.
And apparently, I just walked into a men's room, and saw a dozen old-man penises.
You had no idea that that was Trent's fiancee? I took great pains to not know because I knew this would happen, and now it's happening at the worst possible time.
I mean, the woman has no pores, okay? And this morning, I had an ear zit.
There's a certain irony that I'm the one doing this, but here goes.
It's like I tell my team of boys.
- Oh, my God, I thought there was one girl.
- Yeah, that's right.
You got to get yourself in a winning head space.
You keep focused.
You keep it together, and you make that speech.
All right, can we not use your fictional orphan children as an example? Okay, how about we try this one? You're prepared.
Hmm? You are smarter than ten Marias put together.
Yeah.
[Exhales.]
I mean, she didn't seem that smart, did she? - Pshh.
- Yeah, no, I got this.
I can do this.
[Applause.]
Good evening.
First, I'd like to thank everybody who helped out with this wonderful event tonight.
A special thanks to my fiance Trent.
It was only last spring we met at the Colon Cancer Art Walk, but I can't imagine how I survived without you, but we are here to raise money for our brave Los Angeles county public defenders.
So if you would join me in welcoming one of it's newest shining stars, Nina Whitley.
[Applause.]
Thank you, Maria, for a lovely introduction.
Was it meaningful when I got my fulbright scholarship? Yes, but none of that compares to the work I do here day in and day, um The Colon Walk? Huh.
Anyway, I was profiled in the I'm just I'm doing the math.
And we were still toge Nevermind.
Okay, I swear I swear I rehearsed this.
I did.
Okay.
It was very meaningful when I got my ful-brat scholar-shimp Ooh, my what? [Laughs.]
My what? Fulbright scholar-shimp.
Ship.
Shimp.
Ship.
Sh sh s-man-ship.
Oh, wow.
This is this is not going my way, is it? [Laughs.]
No.
[Exhales.]
You know, I really thought that if I, you know, dazzled you tonight with this speech, that you'd let me back into money law, but well, that was a stupid plan, right? I mean, that was ridiculous.
That was a ridiculous plan.
- What the hell is she doing? - Oh, don't worry about it.
She's doing terrific.
I mean, I do.
I want the money.
I want the money part of it because that new Hermes bag, I want to cradle it to my bosom, and I want to sing it sweet lullabies all night, but I won't be able to do that because I have clearly screwed the pooch here, again.
I guess I haven't really learned anything.
Except, you know what, I have learned one thing.
I've learned that being poor is a crime, 'cause that's who I defend now.
The Mexican kid that experiments with drugs and then gets deported.
But when your kid experiments with drugs, that's called college.
Now I'm up here begging you for money because they slashed our budget again.
Now, I'm you back off, dream crusher.
I am not a jagbag.
I am a public defender.
[Gags.]
Oh.
Mm.
Oh, wow.
I've never I've never said that out loud.
[Exhales.]
All right, so play the music.
Hit it.
Play me off.
[Phone chimes.]
All right, that's close enough.
Oh, and you know what, thank you so much for the outdated copier.
We love unjamming that piece of crap every five seconds.
[Applause.]
I got to say, I like that speech a whole lot better than the one you rehearsed.
Thank you.
That's very sweet.
And thank you for the drink.
Boy, I need that.
No, these are both for me.
Oh.
Thank you.
Nina, I have to thank you for everything you said up there.
You do not have to thank me.
Oh, but I do.
It looks like I'm a lock for next year's speech.
- [Laughs.]
- Okay, okay, all right.
How'd the speech go? - Oh, not so great.
- Aw.
But hey, hey, what are you doing here? I thought you were with Mr.
Rich Chivalrous lawyer.
He's a waiter.
His name is Rich, and he kept saying, "oh, would you like another?" And I thought he was trying to loosen me up, but then it turns out he was just doing his job.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what, you'll get him next time, Cheryl.
- Will she? - Okay.
Yes, she will.
You know, if my speech had gone a little bit better, you guys might've lost me.
It was so close.
You would've been sad.
I don't know that it was ever that close.
[Sighs.]
[Knock on door.]
Hey, kid.
Little housewarming gift.
Wha I love it.
Thank you.
It's actually mine, so I'm gonna need that back at some point.
That makes more sense.
Man, this place really is tiny.
Okay.
There you are.
Good.
A little hustle.
Melinda, Chop Chop.
Diego.
Up, Marnold, Nina.
Nina, Marnold.
Go help.
I bet you feel like a giant asshole right now.
Oh, please, you could've got those kids from anywhere for real cheap, especially Marnold.
He looks a little sickly.
Seriously? What is wrong with you? I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm broken.
[Both laugh.]