Benched (2014) s01e07 Episode Script

1 God, I'm so late.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Hello.
Hi, this is USA credit.
Act now to minimize your debt.
Just say yes.
Yes, a spot! - Come to mommy! - You said yes.
No, no! That is my spot, Mini Cooper.
Helping you to take advantage of this amazing offer.
Oh, you stupid asshole.
Are you blind? Just in my left eye, ma'am.
I'm not i'm not talking to you, Josh.
I'm talking to spot stealer over here.
Oh, and such a dumb pantsuit.
Look at those pants.
That is terrible.
Who wears that? Ugh, gross, ugly pants.
Your passenger window's open.
Yeah, yeah, I'm just i'm working on a monologue.
I'm an actor.
It's for an audition.
It's for a play.
Called ugly pants.
It's a one-act.
One should act now.
Shut up, Josh.
- Oh, god.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, can you hold that, please? - Oh, yeah, yep.
- Hold it.
- I'm trying.
- Just hold it, please.
It's not working.
I don't I know what you're really pushing, you skinny white bi god, this day is already a disaster.
There was so much traffic, and there was no parking, and then this this biatch swooped on in and took the only spot.
And then I only avoided getting sandwiched in the elevator by closing the doors on this giant sweaty man and he's right there.
Hello.
Burt is on extended disability.
A hemorrhoid surgery gone wrong, I heard.
I am your new boss, Geoffrey with a G.
I'm pleased to meet all but one of you.
Well, things are looking up.
Hey, hi, Geoffrey.
I'm Nina Whitley.
I think that we might have gotten off on the wrong foot.
Uhoh, I'm trying to hold the door, but I can't.
Oh, no, it's closing.
Hey now hey now you know what? Again, I am so sorry, Joffrey.
Geoffrey, like the Toys "R" Us giraffe.
Like the like the giraffe, okay.
Nina, I'm sorry.
- Thanks, Phil.
- Oh, no, I wasn't finished.
I'm sorry anyone told you you could pull off that scarf.
- Oh, there it is.
- Oh, that's a scarf.
Yeah.
I thought you bagged a wookie.
It is a statement scarf.
I think it's a question scarf.
Like, "why would you wear me?" - good morning.
- Hey.
Nina's had a tough morning.
We're making fun of her scarf.
Oh, my grandmother just called.
She wants her curtain tassels back.
Okay, you know what? It would be just really great if just sometimes you guys could say, "hey, Nina, I'm so sorry that you're having a rough day.
" but no, you guys just need to make jokes about how I'm fancy and uptight and educated and prissy, and you know what? Nobody gets me.
None of you get me.
Nobody gets me.
Oh, Nina, I get you.
You're a strong, hardworking woman who has a severe scarf blindness.
- He gets you.
- No.
You don't even get that your friend Carlos there is sleeping at the office.
What? What are you talking about? He just shaved in the bathroom, and he's got a yoga mat and a pillow that he brought to work.
He clearly doesn't do yoga.
It doesn't take scooby and the gang my new place won't be ready for a week, so uh, do you do you want to, like, stay at my place? Oh, my god, yes, please, thank you.
Heads up, I hate my outfit, and I'm having a terrible day.
But that bodes well for you, hey, Nina, did you get a chance to look at that new discovery? - What new discovery? - Hmm.
Forensic analyst Edie perch to the stand.
Great.
This is good 'cause we go we go way back.
So, Ms.
Perch - Edie.
How was your audition? Didn't get it.
So I'm gonna stick with the lawyering.
Now, your opinion that my client was on opiates, that's just based on one single test? You're referring to the u-tox nine? Uh, maybe because the u-tox nine is, as its name suggests, nine smaller tests.
And a positive for any of those indicators leads us to run a test for opiate metabolites, then gas chromatography and mass spectrometry, which we then double confirm.
So it's actually more like 26 tests, which you can see if you just flip the paper over, sweetie.
Okay, and now these these tests are are real tests? No further questions.
God, this isn't happening.
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
It's broken? How is the debit machine broken? Look, can I just owe you? No, Kathy, no.
See, we're on a first-name basis.
I mean, my name's not Kathy, but you know what? You write it on my cup every day.
- I'll pay for it.
- Toss it.
Give me one of those as well, lars.
No, I get it.
Bad day, you know? You're just like your spot's taken.
Surprise witness totally blows your case.
It's like you're one of the before women in a tampon commercial.
Yes, thank you.
I am that woman in the white pants running for the cab.
Girl, I am sorry you are having a terrible day.
Thanks.
Apparently that scarf is having a great day.
Oh, thank you.
And you were great on the stand.
You really you were great.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
- That is so nice.
Well, I just wish it had been a different D.
A.
because Trent, my ex, he just gets this special pleasure out of beating me.
Oh, my god, he beats you? No, no, no, in court.
You're the crazy ex.
- Yep, yep.
- I'm sorry.
When people refer to their exes as crazy, it's like, "hey, maybe you made them crazy, dude.
" oh, my god, he so made me crazy.
- Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- He made me wow, you just you get it.
You want to go grab lunch, like, right now? Hell, yeah.
- Yeah? Okay.
- Yeah.
Thank you for letting me stay here.
All right, make yourself at home.
Where do I put my shoes? I don't care, bud.
I'm gonna put 'em in the i just threw them there, Phil.
What happened to your window? Oh, poker, drinks, a hand got lost.
Yeah, a guy put his fist through it.
You should make him pay for it.
- That guy might have been me.
- Oh.
oh.
- Phil? - Hmm? How often does this only when I do this.
See? I see.
You're not gonna fix it? Well, I was gonna, but the damn warriors couldn't cover the spread, so what do the ladies think? Usually I go to their place.
What if you start dating one of them? Then I won't use the sink.
And if she's got a problem with the window, I just huh.
I'm gonna fix that.
How much did you lose on the warriors game? What are we, doing a quarterly report here? We're gonna watch the game.
You're right.
- You're right.
- Come on.
I'm starting to sound like Rosa.
Little bit.
Let's just watch the game and not worry about whatever is poking me in the back.
Oh, look at that.
It's a couch fork.
What, you go all the way to the kitchen when you need a fork? No.
My head is killing me.
Couple black coffees, your head will be fine.
No, it's from that piece of ceiling that fell on me.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna fix that.
- Oh, hey, Nina.
- Oh, hey, Phil.
Oh, hey, Nina, if your coffee order wasn't so high-maintenance, maybe you wouldn't die alone and other insults.
Two half-cafs, almond milk, rice milk, foam, and two shakes of cinnamon before the third shot, but not too hot for Kathy.
Perfect.
Our plan was to apologize to you, Kathy, but after that coffee order, wow, that is a one-way ticket to alone town.
- Hey, Nins.
- Hey.
- Hi! - This is for you.
Thank you.
Guys, this is my new BFF, Edie.
Oh, my god, I just said BFF.
Is that too soon? Are we labeling up? - I love that.
- Me too.
Wait, wait.
Don't tell me.
You must be Phil, class clown, coasting through life on what he thinks is charm.
And Carlos? Yoga mat.
You nailed it.
- Hey, Phil, how's it going? - Ooh.
Okay, you got me on this.
Who's the anemic in the vest? Farley.
Gaming associate of Phil's.
Uhhuh, so this is Phil's bookie which is new information to me, but not at all surprising.
You're doing great, buddy.
What? Oh, nice lady.
So, Phil, looks like you owe me some money from the knicks game last night.
Don't worry.
I'll fix that too.
Hey, you ever watch judge judy? No.
Being a lawyer, you should watch that.
Can we talk about what just happened? Because as a friend, I'm concerned.
You just had a bookie track you down at work.
What's next? I'm opening up a box with your thumbs in it? Farley, the guy come on, he's harmless.
And why are you opening a box of my thumbs? Because you don't have thumbs, because they hire goons to cut and put them in the you've seen too many movies.
Wait, why are you judging me? I mean, you sleep on a yoga mat near the misdemeanor files.
That's hurtful, okay? Phil, everyone gets it.
You're the cool guy, but you know what? There is a line, and you won't know you crossed it till the goons show up.
Well, I think I just crossed it.
- Whatever that means.
- It means you're a goon.
'Cause you know what I just realized? We're not real friends.
No, we're work friends.
You're just the office smart-ass who gambles and jokes, and I'm the office - tight-ass.
- Alpha, who works hard.
You just proved my point.
See? Those two types, they don't mix.
So we're gonna just be simple work friends, and then I'm gonna be like, "hey, tough case today, huh?" and I'll be like, "ugh, I hate mondays.
" so work friends.
- Work friends.
- Yeah.
Somebody brought us a treat, 'cause I might have just gotten the best black and white cookie you've ever tasted.
It is gonna melt your face off.
I am making out with you so hard in my mind right now.
Well, I have a little surprise for you.
Okay.
Good news.
Your next case, the labs came in.
Metabolites, gas chrome, mass spec, all came back negative.
No idea what you just said, but loving how excited you are about this.
Your client's as clean as an otter's nuts.
- Oh! - You are gonna rip Trent's ass.
Oh, my god.
- You are the best.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
I can't wait to see his "I just got whupped" face.
It's gonna be like, "but I i own i" or more like, "huh.
" coworker, BFF.
Watercooler stuff.
Printer's making me crazy.
They do.
They make you very crazy.
- All right, thank you.
- Hey, Phil.
Buddy, I wanted to apologize.
I overreacted.
It's your lifestyle.
I get it, and I am sorry.
Hey, it's no problem, all right? And I will get that drip and stuff fixed.
Speaking of which, I know this guy who used to be a client of mine.
- He can help you.
- Look at you.
"I know a guy.
" I like this Carlos.
Jimmy, tell my buddy what you told me earlier.
- So there's this nag.
- That's a horse.
Red headed step child.
Second race tomorrow, odds-on favorite, three to one.
I happen to know red headed step child has fallen hard for it's my party.
It's true love.
But it's my party pulled a wither.
So red headed step child is gonna follow her beloved all the way to last place.
So what's the tip here? There's another horse, guilty as charged.
I got it on good authority that horse is juicing.
She hears the starting gun, she's gonna merge onto the goddamn San Diego freeway.
What kind of odds are we talking on her here? - I'm talking 50.
- 50? 50 to 1? - Right? - Wow.
Oh, god, I love horses.
That's kind of why you're in here, Jimmy.
- Eh.
- 50 to 1? Are we betting an h-note? A hundy? No.
More.
50 to 1.
I'm talking a g-note.
That's a grand.
That's a thousand.
Yeah.
- Whoa.
- What? You heard your guy.
It's a sure thing.
I mean, you know, forget the hole.
We're gonna get matching boats and captains hats and I will fix the hole too, but I don't know, maybe I'll get a whole new house, you know? A boat house in cape cod.
You a cod man, huh? I think people call it the cape.
Not after we buy it.
The defense pleads not guilty, your honor.
I'm sorry, what? Really? Are we talking about the same guy? You seem scared, Trent.
And you should be.
I'll see you at the readiness hearing.
So no deals? - We're going to trial? - Yeah.
Your drug test came back clean as an otter's balls.
Is that clean? Oh, yeah, right.
'Cause they're in the water all the time swimming around.
- Wow! - Yeah.
That is incredible, 'cause I was high as shit.
- You were high? - As sh You're an awesome lawyer.
- Hey, Edie.
- Oh, Nina.
- How awesome was that? - Yeah.
I just loved how you took Trent down.
His face was like, "huh?" or more like, "uhh.
" Yeah, um, so about that, you don't think there's any way that maybe you Not okay, not you-you, but, like, technology-you might have made an error? Without violating attorney-client privilege, we both know that my client was a big enthusiast of the old el gusta el cocaina plant.
- Maybe I fudged it.
- What? Isn't that what you wanted? Okay, so we just got we got to withdraw that evidence.
No, no, my reputation would be ruined.
My reputation is everything.
No, you have to go through with it.
You have to go to trial.
You have to.
I don't how Miranda would do it for Carrie.
- Would she? - Yes! - Did you place the bet? - Yep, just handed it over.
"Two bets, please.
" all that money.
What are you gonna name your boat? I'm gonna name mine pizza because I love pizza.
- Hey, Geoffrey.
- Yes.
We're getting a boat.
What would you name your boat? Why aren't you working? - Your bookie.
- Yeah.
No, let's wait till the horse gets out of the gate.
Your bookie? Everything okay? Yeah.
Everything's fine, tappy.
- You? - Yeah.
No, I'm good.
Everything you know what? Actually, this might fall under the category of work dilemma, so let me throw it to you, colleague.
Have you ever had a case go your way but the evidence is maybe fudged-ish? Yeah.
Ask for a retrial.
It's easy.
What if the person who's responsible for this evidence is a friend who who just kind of Who gets you, and by doing this, you're gonna There's gonna be some severe life consequences? Maybe ask your new bestie.
Yeah, that solves so much.
Thanks.
Your honor, this man was found literally covered in cocaine, yet his blood tested negative for cocaine.
The people have no choice but to drop all charges.
Assuming this is fine with the defense? Well, you know, tests don't lie.
Okay, just just before we break, I'd just like to say a few brief words about justice.
You know, it's a beautiful thing, justice.
Hello, frasier middle school.
I hope you guys have all enjoyed your class trip to see justice in action.
What do you say, kids? How's about a round of applause for our system of justice? And for the apparently undetectable cocaine.
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution has tried to paint a very dark picture of my client.
They've used such words as irresponsible, negligent.
Red headed step child? Oh, come on.
Come on.
Red headed step child.
That is no way to slander my client.
He doesn't even have red hair.
- Mr.
Quinlan.
- Yeah, yes.
You saw the evidence.
It's my party? Oh, come on, baby.
Come on, run, run.
Run, baby.
Run, you beautiful, beautiful Mr.
Quinlan! You beautiful people, you beautiful jury.
You're so beautiful when you Mr.
Quinlan, you gonna give your closing or play angry birds? Oh, dear god.
Dear god.
Come on, my client my client is a good client.
He's a good client.
And you are certainly going to rule that my client is Guilty as charged! Yes! I mean, not guilty as charged.
Not guilty.
Whoo! I got some money.
I got some what a day! Ah, desk gin, the good stuff, it's on me.
Let's go.
Presents for everybody.
Boss man, I'm buying you your own elevator.
Do you actually work here? 'Cause I've never seen you do anything.
Larry, hey, anything you want.
What would you want? To meet my real father.
See what I can do.
Carlos, my man.
- Phil.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- What's up, farley? Oh, I get it.
Look at you coming down here to my work to intimidate me with your goon.
I get it.
I got your money.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I'm gonna float it to you on my boat.
All right? Right to your boat.
The USS Farley can suck Phil! I didn't place the bet.
You excuse me? I just got some boat business to talk about.
I'm sorry, you didn't You didn't place the bet, the sure thing? There was no sure thing.
I gave Jimmy a carton of cigarettes to give you a false tip so you would bet big and lose.
- But I I won.
- I know! What the hell? Those odds! - Yeah! 50 to 1.
- That's why I picked it.
I was trying to teach you a lesson.
- But I won.
- Okay, the lesson didn't take.
I was gonna buy a goddamn boat.
I gonna get a house on the cod.
I was gonna do that that virgin spaceship why would you make that up? Because you just listed, like, $3 million worth of stuff, and none of it was fixing your apartment.
Hey, look, Phil, if could we just have a minute Good sir, if your ugly goon is going to break anyone's legs, let them be mine.
Okay, listen.
No ugly goon has to break anybody's legs, okay What are you talking about? This is my brother-in-law, Terry, okay? He's taking paralegal classes.
I thought I'd bring him down here to see a real lawyer's office.
So is this it? Yeah, this is it.
But do let me know when you get the money.
- Yeah.
- Okay? I don't want to break your legs.
- Could you imagine? - Yeah.
What are they talking about? Breaking legs? Nice to meet you.
I was gonna buy my mom a house.
You literally have no concept of how much things cost, do you? Look, Edie, I wanted to talk to you Before you say anything else, you are gonna tongue me so hard after you taste this.
So where'd you pick this place out? On yelp's top ten roofie bars? I just wanted us to have a good time.
You covered so well today.
Edie, I can't be unethical.
I can't.
I can't ever cover like that ever again.
That was a one-time thing, right? - Right.
Yeah, gotcha.
- Okay.
- Yeah, no more one-time things.
- Okay.
Until you tell me that you need another one-time thing.
And then we'll totally one-time thing it up.
Have there been more than one one-time thing? Have I helped friends out? Sure.
But that's what friends do.
I support them, and then they're like, "thanks, bestie," and I'm like, "thank you.
" I'm getting the sense, and call it a friend hunch, that maybe you you do things, like bad things, for other people so they'll like you? You too? - Samesies.
- No, no, no.
- No.
No, no.
- Samesies! We are not samesies.
I call you my bestie, and you're ready to break the law for me? There's really only one thing that you can do.
You got to turn yourself in.
Take it to the next level.
- Tuesdays, huh? - Yeah.
Tuesdays, they're like the mondays of tuesdays.
Nothing? What? No office banter? I can't, Phil.
I got a real problem here, okay? I got to send my best friend to jail, and it makes me want to, like, hurl on that wall.
Wait.
Edie's your best friend? You've known her, like a minute.
Yeah, well, she was really nice to me.
And we connected right away How'd you know it was Edie? Well, yesterday, you mentioned helping out a friend.
You don't have many of those, and really, only one of them could fudge evidence.
This is sub-scooby-doo level stuff here.
Hey, fellas, thanks.
Nina, hey.
Your clown friend screwed us.
Yeah, he turned me in.
Don't trust him.
- Turns out she loves to fudge.
- Oh, my god, how much? - 89 fudges this year.
- Oh, my god.
She's a one-woman fudge factory.
Oh, you look amazing in that dress.
I can't believe you did this for me.
Well, I kind of did it for the potentially innocent people that she might have sent to jail, but - Maybe you do get me.
- Mm.
What does it say about me, though, that the only other person who gets me is bat-shit crazy? That you're bat-shit crazy.
That was a rhetorical question.
What you're supposed to whatever.
Say whatever you want.
Nice belt.
Congrats on winning the UFC championship.
There it is.
Well, looks like I was wrong about you, Nina.
I thought you were selfish and terrible.
That crooked forensics expert to justice? Yeah.
Yeah, I guess it was, actually.
So I'm kind of the office hero.
I mean, every office has one, so yeah.
Listen up, everybody.
Because of Nina's amazing work, here are all the cases you have to retry.
- Aw, man! - You know what? Technically it was Phil that turned her in, so Nina sucks.
Nina sucks.
- How is eighth grade? - Nina sucks.
In the back.
Nina sucks.
Oh, my god.
Nina sucks.
Nina sucks.
Nina sucks.
Nina sucks.
Nina sucks.
Nina sucks.