Benched (2014) s01e09 Episode Script
A New Development
1 Oh, God.
Hey, is it just me, or do you smell, like, every smell you've ever smelled? Oh, yeah, didn't you check your calendar? It's prosecute the homeless day.
It's like groundhog day.
If you wake up and you see a cop's shadow, you get six weeks jail time.
Ah, what? Were their cardboard boxes not up to code? Trent is making them pay.
L.
A.
municipal code.
Yes, Your Honor, my client admits he's homeless.
He apologizes.
But the Beverly Hilton was all booked up.
- This is not his first violation.
- No.
Imagine that.
He was homeless then; He still is now.
What are the odds? He was in possession of a drug pipe, Your Honor.
But no drugs, Your Honor.
Which is why we're dropping the pipe charge and offering 90 days jail time.
Or we can go to trial.
90 days? What a dick.
Oh, yeah, he's on a roll.
[Gavel bangs.]
- 90 days.
People vs.
Green.
Really being the change you want to see in the world, Trent? Just doing my job, Carlos.
Yeah, you know what? You should hurry up, 'cause I hear there's a basket of puppies outside to kick, so you don't want to miss that.
- How young are these puppies? - Unbelievable.
Bunch of homeless veterans, addicts, and mentally ill.
He shows them no mercy! Trent's like that space guy, that tall, black Michael Jordan inSpace Jam? - No, Darth Vader.
- Ah.
- How do you not remember that? - Easy, Carlos.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
Besides, you are talking about the man that Nina once loved.
Look, I am not defending Trent.
I invented hating the guy.
I'm just saying he's not a monster.
When Trent and I were engaged, he was never cruel to the homeless.
In fact, I saw him give his entire lunch to a guy sleeping outside his building.
Was that lunch poisoned? - No.
- You sure? Did you ever see that man again? Man, I don't I don't think so.
[Groovy rock music.]
Hey now Benched - 01x09 A New Development hey now That is some weak crap.
- Useless! - Yeesh.
Sounds like the new guy and Cheryl are really hitting it off.
Okay, I got it.
Jeez! No offense, Geoffrey, but your pep talks need work.
I don't give sweet pep talks.
Baby, I give pink slips.
You're not a damn social worker.
You're a lawyer.
P.
D.
S are supposed to get people out of jail.
You're more like a concierge.
- "May I show you to your cell, sir?" - Jesus, it's called a slump.
[Chuckles.]
No, you hit a slump after you've actually won some sh You would have to go up to reach slump level.
You are the weak link.
And in this office, that's saying something.
- Wow.
- Jeez.
[Chuckles.]
Somebody's got something to prove, and I happened to be nearby.
[Laughs.]
Yeah, I guess just some bad luck for you.
I mean, I guess I guess he has a point.
I never quite got into the whole, you know - Winning? - Yeah.
I thought it was 'cause I was just the new kid on the block, but now you're the new kid, but you win, and I still Struggle.
I was gonna say "suck," but your way is better.
Mm.
Do you think you could help me? Cheryl, that's really flattering.
Of course, yeah.
If I think of some good advice from time to time, I'd be happy to Say you're you, and you have to arraign these in, say, six minutes.
- Hypothetically, what would you do? - Okay.
Hypothetically, triage.
I'd assess the likelihood that a D.
A.
Could prove guilt based on priors, witnesses.
And then I would take that, and I'd put a note on each file.
That way, I'm not searching in court.
Here you go.
I'd also note mitigating factors.
That stuff that stuff can get you a better deal.
- You're like rain man.
- Is that a compliment? Yeah, he was, like, the smartest guy in the world.
Counting toothpicks, beating the casino? I think you might want to re-watch the movie.
Okay.
Do it Eight! You dropped eight pieces of paper.
I'm rain man now! That's, like, 18 pieces.
[Laughs.]
Okay, just remember, confidence.
You're a pro.
You got this.
Okay, got it.
Hey, girlfriend! Annie! Cheryl.
Oh, hi.
How long has it been? - How's your cat? - Great.
I was thinking of getting her into modeling and stuff, but I don't know; I don't know how she feels about it.
How about you? How about your babies? Great.
Well, you know, squirrels.
- I think - Cheryl? I think you might want to keep your eye on the prize.
Oh, right, professional, got it.
All rise.
Court of the county of Los Angeles is now in session.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell is that? I like your method, so I added my own, mostly just inspirational things so I stay confident in the moment.
Let's get to it.
People vs.
Ann Mundy.
Illegal lodging, public nuisance, loitering, trespassing.
The people offer 90 days and dismissal of the first two charges for a guilty plea.
That acceptable to the defense? Oh.
Uh, we're already there.
[Chuckles.]
Hold on.
Oh, okay.
Ms.
Church, deal or no deal? Your Honor, I'm just trying to Going once, twice Oh! 0%.
0% guilty.
0%? Meaning not guilty? Yes, right.
Not guilty.
Of what? All of it.
Looks like you got yourself a trial, Mr.
Barber.
Looking forward to it.
Five-minute recess.
[Gavel bangs.]
How do you think I did? I just want to check one - There's what I wrote.
- Oh! 0% felt weird to say, but I thought, "oh, Nina knows what she's doing.
" Yeah.
Oh, well.
[Chuckles.]
I'll just beat it at trial, right? Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
Easy, easy.
'Cause who would believe that a homeless woman would ever sleep on a sidewalk? Okay.
[Chuckles.]
That cage today looked like the Nick Nolte gang fought the Gary Busey gang, and everybody lost.
Now, look, I want my wife to be dirty in bed but not like that.
[Laughter.]
That is so funny, 'cause they're poor.
They should be begging for soap instead of food.
Am I right? Up top.
Yeah.
Right here.
- Have a good night.
You too.
- You have a good night.
Look, Nina Save it, Bully.
I am so sick of defending you all day.
It's exhausting.
- Defending me? Why? - Why? 'Cause we were engaged, which means we're linked.
We're tre-Nina, okay? Everything you do reflects on me.
So what? Now you're picking on the helpless to pad your conviction rate so you can run for governor one day? That is a classic evil prick move.
Oh, now we're at "evil"? - I was blind before, wasn't I? - No.
I was blinded by that hair and those abs and It's like that masculine scent whatever.
The point is, was I blind, or did you did you change? No, I haven't changed, Nina.
So this has always been you? Was I this bad? I mean, I had a Mercedes, and my purse had its own bed.
I was an asshole.
We were assholes.
Do you know who Tom Balasso is? The billionaire real estate guy, just bought two blocks downtown to build a mega-complex: Shops, condos, restaurants.
- Okay? - So? So Balasso is concerned that people might be put off if all the vagrants in the area are Still in the area.
He leans on city hall.
Word comes down from above: "Sweep up the homeless and keep them swept, or" Or Balasso bails.
Yeah, look, I just wanted you to know the truth.
You cannot tell anyone about this.
I'll lose my job.
Oh, no.
You could become homeless.
I'm not evil.
You are.
Have you ever seen such a level of cruelty in a D.
A.
? Super cruelty, cruelty plus.
Yeah, it's extreme cruelty.
It would be like bungee jumping off of a bridge, and at the bottom, Trent punches a homeless guy in the nuts.
- It's a great metaphor.
- Yeah, I thought so.
To Trent.
Turns out you don't just look like a douche.
Oh, sorry, Nina.
Have you guys heard about this mall thing they're putting up over on spring street? Oh, I'm sorry were we talking about the unfortunate too much? Our bad.
So, you guys, what shops do you think they'll put in the new mall? I hope they have a lotion barn and a cute tops 'n bottoms and a scarf lounge.
Those aren't even stores.
You guys ever have that thing where you've got a secret and you're not supposed to tell the secret, but you have the secret? - I have that.
- Yeah? And I tell them all the time.
- Drove my ex crazy.
- Why? You got a secret? - Yeah, I have it.
I can't tell you.
- Well, then don't tell us.
Tom Balasso won't put up the mall unless city hall clears out all the homeless people.
That's why the pen's so full.
That's why Trent's being so harsh.
It's all about money.
God, that feels good.
I feel like I just passed a confession stone - through my truth hole.
- I knew it.
I knew it.
It's about gentrification.
- Who told you this? - Trent.
And when he said this, did he go like this and go, "excellent"? No, my point is, is that I was right.
Trent doesn't want to be doing this.
- He's just following orders.
- Oh, come on.
Yeah, so were the Nazis at Nuremburg.
Okay, the Nazis really, we're going with the Nazis now? Whatever.
We have to tell someone.
Did you not just hear me? This is a secret.
I wasn't supposed to tell you.
You can't tell anybody this.
And I just finished telling you that I can't keep a secret.
- Why did you tell me? - He did tell you.
Okay, whatever happens next, it's your fault.
Here to support the helpless who are being unjustly imprisoned.
We want answers.
Oh, oh, God, no.
Oh, this is a bad dream.
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up.
Holy hell.
Seriously? Carlos.
Did you see all the media out there? Yeah, no, I saw it.
Jesus, Carlos, how many people did you tell? One, a buddy from high school - Who's a reporter at the Times.
- Oh.
- What are you guys talking about? - Nothing, all right, Micah? - Why don't you spin it back around? - I was joking.
Carlos already told me.
- Micah doesn't count.
- Okay, you know what? You guys cannot air this in court, all right? It's inadmissible.
It's hearsay.
I may have made the whole thing up.
Oh, look at you, standing by your evil man.
Okay, not my man and not standing by.
I just don't need him to get fired because I was trying to prove to you guys that I wasn't engaged to Satan.
Oh, speak of the devil.
Hey, Nina.
Hey, Trent, how is it How is it hanging? It's not great, actually.
You didn't happen to say anything to anyone about No.
No, no, no, no, no.
And no time to talk right now.
I'm so busy, and so many cases, so many homeless cases, which, I don't know why there are so many.
This stuff's crazy.
I got to - [Gavel bangs.]
- Okay, let's go.
People vs.
Holden.
Mr.
Barber, you're up.
If you can't win this one, my ass is on the 6:00 news explaining why this office can't do sh, and your ass is unemployed.
Looks like somebody better bring the heat tomorrow.
Yeah, you know what? Forget Geoffrey.
How's your opening statement? I was going to explain the illegal encampment ordinance.
Good.
That's good.
But it's so boring.
How do I make it sexy for the jury? Speaking of, what do I wear? [Chuckles.]
It's like, there are gonna be cameras in the courtroom.
I wonder what Annie's wearing.
It's like, I don't want to clash what she's wearing, and she's more of, like, an Autumn, and I'm a winter.
- Oh.
- And I'm a cusp between winter and spring, which is unusual.
- All right, focus, Cheryl.
- I'm in my head.
It's Geoffrey's fault.
If I wanted to be micromanaged all day, I'd still be grooming dogs with my mom.
Do you ever think you'd be happier doing just I don't know something a little easier? On the bad days.
You know, I do have a little voice in my head saying, you know "Quit!" Right, as a general rule, I think you should just ignore the voices in your head, but that one I don't know it might be onto something.
I can't.
My clients need my help.
Right, but is it helping if they end up in jail? Most of them end up there no matter what.
- Yeah.
- But they're so grateful that someone's defending them.
- Oh.
- "Thanks just for listening.
" Or, "your advice changed my life.
" It is so tough being in the system, and you're seeing people on their worst day.
I find a little humanity goes a long way.
You know what? Let's save your job.
Okay? So when I do my opening statements, I do the three "H" s.
I give historical context.
I humanize my client, who then I ask the jury to Third "H," Cheryl? - Hug? - Or help.
Help's usually what I go with.
- Oh, yes.
Right, right.
- To help the client.
Hugging comes later.
[Chuckles.]
All: What do we want? Homeless rights! When do we want 'em? Now! Hi.
Are you with the courts? - Yeah.
- Great.
We'd love to get perspective from someone in the D.
A.
'S office.
No, I'm a public defender.
What makes you think I'm a D.
A.
? 'Cause you're not dressed like a substitute teacher on his way to sign divorce papers.
Connie, lose the troll.
We got a hot public defender.
I'm available later if you need some b-roll.
- I know nothing about that.
- Come on, Nina.
I spent two freaking hours prepping Larry.
Why is goldilocks delivering our official statement? Tell us, do you believe the D.
A.
Is prosecuting the homeless on behalf of wealthy real estate interests? Oh.
[Scoffs.]
You know, I think it's dangerous to ascribe motivations to others when life is so complex.
I'm sure all the D.
As are good people.
We shouldn't - What's so complex? - What are you doing? - Hey! - Are you working for the D.
A.
Now? Okay! Well, keep listening.
The D.
As need to remember that they work for all the people, even the poor, just like I do.
And, you know, you can forget that sometimes, but it's never too late to stop being a dick.
Don't say "dick" on TV.
- You looked great, though.
- Thank you, Cheryl.
I'm gonna put some cardboard boxes next to your desk.
You might need them later.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- No, that's a bad thing.
Would you mind giving me notes on my opening statement? I took your notes on the three "H" s, and I came up with my own thing: The seven "I" s.
Ooh.
Love, live, lounge, leg, log, lube, laissez-faire.
Yeah.
- All right, thanks.
Hey.
- Hey.
How's Cheryl's opening statement coming along? Yeah, can you keep a secret? I failed.
It's a mess.
I can't do anything.
This is the second person I've helped get fired today.
I mean, one more, I think I'm eligible for the death penalty.
- Well, Cheryl's not your fault.
You tried.
- Okay, yeah, but what about Trent? No, Trent is your fault.
Yeah, he's going down.
And if he asks, will you tell him that I helped? Okay, I'm just gonna try to avoid him as much as possible today.
Oh, hey, hold the elevator.
Thank - What floor? - I leaked it.
I leaked your secret.
Five, please.
I leaked it, yes.
I leaked everything.
I leaked the secret.
I leaked everything about the homeless, about the development, because what you're doing is wrong.
And I know you don't want to be doing it, but nobody else knows that, so you just look like a Nazi, and I'm like Eva Braun by association, but with, like, none of the benefits.
I'm sorry if you lose your job, okay? But if you didn't want anyone to know, then why would you tell me? Wait.
Why did you tell me? You know that I am terrible with secrets.
I mean, your 30th birthday surprise party, every Christmas present, your fear of birds.
I am, like, the best at being the worst with secrets, and you know that, so you wouldn't have told me You wanted a scandal.
[Elevator dings.]
This is me.
Wait, you used me? Why would you do that? I told you.
I don't like what's happening.
And the truth had to come out.
You knew I'd leak it.
Yeah, thanks for being so dependable.
Cheryl.
You are gonna throw the Mundy trial.
I can't throw a trial.
Okay, now you're all ethical? See how it feels to have someone's hand up your puppet hole, hmm? If Cheryl loses, she's done.
I'll think about it.
Okay, so maybe on the opening, less is more.
- You don't want to overwhelm them.
- No, oh, no.
It's overwhelming? I can't improv.
I always go blue.
Forget what I said.
Forget it.
- You're good.
You're good.
- Okay.
[Gavel bangs.]
Mr.
Barber, you're up.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Question: Is this gonna be a bloodbath? Sometimes people surprise you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the case you have before you today is very simple.
The facts are not in dispute.
The defendant has engaged in disorderly conduct, blocking thoroughfares, and possessing excessive property on city sidewalks.
Again, very simple.
Thank you.
Yeah, bloodbath.
Ms.
Church, your statement.
Yes, Your Honor.
Okay.
[Clears throat.]
"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to be free.
" That's an odd request.
Who ordered that? [Chuckles.]
America did.
Read it right off the menu this little lady's holding.
Did she say "menu"? - Yes.
- Yes.
So America got what it ordered, a huge helping of tired, poor, and huddled.
Then when the check comes, America's nowhere to be seen.
Who's left holding the bill? My client, Annie Mundy, former school bus driver, voracious reader, pizza lover, libra.
Annie, like so many homeless Americans, cannot breathe free.
It's the system that's guilty.
That's what I'll prove.
That's what I'll prove.
[Cell phone buzzes.]
And at the end of this trial, you'll find my client, Annie Mundy spoiler alert not guilty.
Okay.
- Not bad.
- First witness, Mr.
Barber? I cannot watch this.
Thank you, Your Honor.
The people wish to drop all charges against Ms.
Mundy.
We won? We won! [Screams.]
[Cheers and applause.]
I can't believe this is happening! You don't want none of this, son.
Ms.
Church! - None of this, son! - Please conduct yourself - You want none of this! - Hell.
I'll give her this one.
USA! All: USA! I'm sorry.
I just need one quick minute.
- Excuse me.
- Thanks, thanks, thanks.
Wow.
I don't even know what to say.
I thank you.
I can't believe you just did that for me.
It wasn't for you.
Right, no, that'd be unethical.
Yeah, yeah.
I got a text.
Word from above to ease off.
So I did.
The downtrodden is absolutely ridiculous.
So, no, I never had any discussion with the mayor or anyone at city hall about harassing the homeless.
On the contrary, I'm pleased to announce a sizeable donation I'm making to the homeless rescue, the Balasso Center for the temporarily disenfranchised.
- So - No more homeless arrests.
The city gets a shiny new development, and Mr.
Balasso builds a shiny new homeless shelter 12 blocks from the complex, of course.
Oh, and Cheryl gets to keep her job.
That's the biggest win for our side.
- You were behind this whole thing? - Shush, my little puppet.
Don't want to hurt your tiny wooden brain.
Oh, but you should give yourself some credit.
It's like that wise woman on TV said that one time: "It's dangerous to ascribe motivations to others when life is so complex.
" Well, she is sounding pretty wise lately.
Then she said, "stop being a dick.
" Right.
Well, seriously, stop stop being a dick.
No promises.
Then Nina said, "oh, don't go with your opening argument.
You'll overwhelm.
" - Remember, Nina? - Yeah, yeah, no.
- It was an hour and a half ago, yeah.
- But I went with my gut.
You always got to go with your gut.
Class dismissed.
[Laughter.]
Oh! Look.
That's the guy I destroyed.
All right, I got to admit, she's got game.
Yeah, and then Trent, he got crushed, along with a little pressure from our team.
- Uh-huh, got to do it.
- Right? Seriously, really? You're not over him? Can't you see what happened here? Oh, do you know something? He played us.
He so played us.
He wanted it leaked, so he told me.
You blabbed.
Big scandal.
Balasso built a shelter.
Cheryl wins.
It's Trent.
We were his puppets.
He had his hands up all of us.
Why would you tell us this now? You have ruined our moment.
My God! Really, you got to learn to keep your mouth shut once in a while.
My five-year-old could have kept that secret.
- What secret? - Well No, the secret that Trent got beat by the best lawyer in L.
A.
today, right? That secret.
Well, that secret is out.
[Laughter.]
This gal is hilarious Deanna.
I always crack up when I get her letters from prison.
Listen to this.
"I've been thinking a lot about what you wrote.
"I need to start getting out of my own way.
I only wish Carl had gotten out of my way first.
" [Laughs.]
[Chuckles.]
I don't I don't get it.
She ran over her husband with her car.
- Oh.
- Classic scorpio.
- Sure.
- And then this oh, Ricky C.
- Armed robbery.
- Uh-huh.
Total sweetheart and genius artist.
That is my face.
Whoa.
- That is you.
- Yeah.
Look at that.
Now, what's the medium here? It's so - It's just glue, paper, and fingernails And toenails.
He's in prison, so getting art supplies is tough.
Excuse me one second.
I just have to go throw up.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Hey, is it just me, or do you smell, like, every smell you've ever smelled? Oh, yeah, didn't you check your calendar? It's prosecute the homeless day.
It's like groundhog day.
If you wake up and you see a cop's shadow, you get six weeks jail time.
Ah, what? Were their cardboard boxes not up to code? Trent is making them pay.
L.
A.
municipal code.
Yes, Your Honor, my client admits he's homeless.
He apologizes.
But the Beverly Hilton was all booked up.
- This is not his first violation.
- No.
Imagine that.
He was homeless then; He still is now.
What are the odds? He was in possession of a drug pipe, Your Honor.
But no drugs, Your Honor.
Which is why we're dropping the pipe charge and offering 90 days jail time.
Or we can go to trial.
90 days? What a dick.
Oh, yeah, he's on a roll.
[Gavel bangs.]
- 90 days.
People vs.
Green.
Really being the change you want to see in the world, Trent? Just doing my job, Carlos.
Yeah, you know what? You should hurry up, 'cause I hear there's a basket of puppies outside to kick, so you don't want to miss that.
- How young are these puppies? - Unbelievable.
Bunch of homeless veterans, addicts, and mentally ill.
He shows them no mercy! Trent's like that space guy, that tall, black Michael Jordan inSpace Jam? - No, Darth Vader.
- Ah.
- How do you not remember that? - Easy, Carlos.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
Besides, you are talking about the man that Nina once loved.
Look, I am not defending Trent.
I invented hating the guy.
I'm just saying he's not a monster.
When Trent and I were engaged, he was never cruel to the homeless.
In fact, I saw him give his entire lunch to a guy sleeping outside his building.
Was that lunch poisoned? - No.
- You sure? Did you ever see that man again? Man, I don't I don't think so.
[Groovy rock music.]
Hey now Benched - 01x09 A New Development hey now That is some weak crap.
- Useless! - Yeesh.
Sounds like the new guy and Cheryl are really hitting it off.
Okay, I got it.
Jeez! No offense, Geoffrey, but your pep talks need work.
I don't give sweet pep talks.
Baby, I give pink slips.
You're not a damn social worker.
You're a lawyer.
P.
D.
S are supposed to get people out of jail.
You're more like a concierge.
- "May I show you to your cell, sir?" - Jesus, it's called a slump.
[Chuckles.]
No, you hit a slump after you've actually won some sh You would have to go up to reach slump level.
You are the weak link.
And in this office, that's saying something.
- Wow.
- Jeez.
[Chuckles.]
Somebody's got something to prove, and I happened to be nearby.
[Laughs.]
Yeah, I guess just some bad luck for you.
I mean, I guess I guess he has a point.
I never quite got into the whole, you know - Winning? - Yeah.
I thought it was 'cause I was just the new kid on the block, but now you're the new kid, but you win, and I still Struggle.
I was gonna say "suck," but your way is better.
Mm.
Do you think you could help me? Cheryl, that's really flattering.
Of course, yeah.
If I think of some good advice from time to time, I'd be happy to Say you're you, and you have to arraign these in, say, six minutes.
- Hypothetically, what would you do? - Okay.
Hypothetically, triage.
I'd assess the likelihood that a D.
A.
Could prove guilt based on priors, witnesses.
And then I would take that, and I'd put a note on each file.
That way, I'm not searching in court.
Here you go.
I'd also note mitigating factors.
That stuff that stuff can get you a better deal.
- You're like rain man.
- Is that a compliment? Yeah, he was, like, the smartest guy in the world.
Counting toothpicks, beating the casino? I think you might want to re-watch the movie.
Okay.
Do it Eight! You dropped eight pieces of paper.
I'm rain man now! That's, like, 18 pieces.
[Laughs.]
Okay, just remember, confidence.
You're a pro.
You got this.
Okay, got it.
Hey, girlfriend! Annie! Cheryl.
Oh, hi.
How long has it been? - How's your cat? - Great.
I was thinking of getting her into modeling and stuff, but I don't know; I don't know how she feels about it.
How about you? How about your babies? Great.
Well, you know, squirrels.
- I think - Cheryl? I think you might want to keep your eye on the prize.
Oh, right, professional, got it.
All rise.
Court of the county of Los Angeles is now in session.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell is that? I like your method, so I added my own, mostly just inspirational things so I stay confident in the moment.
Let's get to it.
People vs.
Ann Mundy.
Illegal lodging, public nuisance, loitering, trespassing.
The people offer 90 days and dismissal of the first two charges for a guilty plea.
That acceptable to the defense? Oh.
Uh, we're already there.
[Chuckles.]
Hold on.
Oh, okay.
Ms.
Church, deal or no deal? Your Honor, I'm just trying to Going once, twice Oh! 0%.
0% guilty.
0%? Meaning not guilty? Yes, right.
Not guilty.
Of what? All of it.
Looks like you got yourself a trial, Mr.
Barber.
Looking forward to it.
Five-minute recess.
[Gavel bangs.]
How do you think I did? I just want to check one - There's what I wrote.
- Oh! 0% felt weird to say, but I thought, "oh, Nina knows what she's doing.
" Yeah.
Oh, well.
[Chuckles.]
I'll just beat it at trial, right? Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
Easy, easy.
'Cause who would believe that a homeless woman would ever sleep on a sidewalk? Okay.
[Chuckles.]
That cage today looked like the Nick Nolte gang fought the Gary Busey gang, and everybody lost.
Now, look, I want my wife to be dirty in bed but not like that.
[Laughter.]
That is so funny, 'cause they're poor.
They should be begging for soap instead of food.
Am I right? Up top.
Yeah.
Right here.
- Have a good night.
You too.
- You have a good night.
Look, Nina Save it, Bully.
I am so sick of defending you all day.
It's exhausting.
- Defending me? Why? - Why? 'Cause we were engaged, which means we're linked.
We're tre-Nina, okay? Everything you do reflects on me.
So what? Now you're picking on the helpless to pad your conviction rate so you can run for governor one day? That is a classic evil prick move.
Oh, now we're at "evil"? - I was blind before, wasn't I? - No.
I was blinded by that hair and those abs and It's like that masculine scent whatever.
The point is, was I blind, or did you did you change? No, I haven't changed, Nina.
So this has always been you? Was I this bad? I mean, I had a Mercedes, and my purse had its own bed.
I was an asshole.
We were assholes.
Do you know who Tom Balasso is? The billionaire real estate guy, just bought two blocks downtown to build a mega-complex: Shops, condos, restaurants.
- Okay? - So? So Balasso is concerned that people might be put off if all the vagrants in the area are Still in the area.
He leans on city hall.
Word comes down from above: "Sweep up the homeless and keep them swept, or" Or Balasso bails.
Yeah, look, I just wanted you to know the truth.
You cannot tell anyone about this.
I'll lose my job.
Oh, no.
You could become homeless.
I'm not evil.
You are.
Have you ever seen such a level of cruelty in a D.
A.
? Super cruelty, cruelty plus.
Yeah, it's extreme cruelty.
It would be like bungee jumping off of a bridge, and at the bottom, Trent punches a homeless guy in the nuts.
- It's a great metaphor.
- Yeah, I thought so.
To Trent.
Turns out you don't just look like a douche.
Oh, sorry, Nina.
Have you guys heard about this mall thing they're putting up over on spring street? Oh, I'm sorry were we talking about the unfortunate too much? Our bad.
So, you guys, what shops do you think they'll put in the new mall? I hope they have a lotion barn and a cute tops 'n bottoms and a scarf lounge.
Those aren't even stores.
You guys ever have that thing where you've got a secret and you're not supposed to tell the secret, but you have the secret? - I have that.
- Yeah? And I tell them all the time.
- Drove my ex crazy.
- Why? You got a secret? - Yeah, I have it.
I can't tell you.
- Well, then don't tell us.
Tom Balasso won't put up the mall unless city hall clears out all the homeless people.
That's why the pen's so full.
That's why Trent's being so harsh.
It's all about money.
God, that feels good.
I feel like I just passed a confession stone - through my truth hole.
- I knew it.
I knew it.
It's about gentrification.
- Who told you this? - Trent.
And when he said this, did he go like this and go, "excellent"? No, my point is, is that I was right.
Trent doesn't want to be doing this.
- He's just following orders.
- Oh, come on.
Yeah, so were the Nazis at Nuremburg.
Okay, the Nazis really, we're going with the Nazis now? Whatever.
We have to tell someone.
Did you not just hear me? This is a secret.
I wasn't supposed to tell you.
You can't tell anybody this.
And I just finished telling you that I can't keep a secret.
- Why did you tell me? - He did tell you.
Okay, whatever happens next, it's your fault.
Here to support the helpless who are being unjustly imprisoned.
We want answers.
Oh, oh, God, no.
Oh, this is a bad dream.
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up.
Holy hell.
Seriously? Carlos.
Did you see all the media out there? Yeah, no, I saw it.
Jesus, Carlos, how many people did you tell? One, a buddy from high school - Who's a reporter at the Times.
- Oh.
- What are you guys talking about? - Nothing, all right, Micah? - Why don't you spin it back around? - I was joking.
Carlos already told me.
- Micah doesn't count.
- Okay, you know what? You guys cannot air this in court, all right? It's inadmissible.
It's hearsay.
I may have made the whole thing up.
Oh, look at you, standing by your evil man.
Okay, not my man and not standing by.
I just don't need him to get fired because I was trying to prove to you guys that I wasn't engaged to Satan.
Oh, speak of the devil.
Hey, Nina.
Hey, Trent, how is it How is it hanging? It's not great, actually.
You didn't happen to say anything to anyone about No.
No, no, no, no, no.
And no time to talk right now.
I'm so busy, and so many cases, so many homeless cases, which, I don't know why there are so many.
This stuff's crazy.
I got to - [Gavel bangs.]
- Okay, let's go.
People vs.
Holden.
Mr.
Barber, you're up.
If you can't win this one, my ass is on the 6:00 news explaining why this office can't do sh, and your ass is unemployed.
Looks like somebody better bring the heat tomorrow.
Yeah, you know what? Forget Geoffrey.
How's your opening statement? I was going to explain the illegal encampment ordinance.
Good.
That's good.
But it's so boring.
How do I make it sexy for the jury? Speaking of, what do I wear? [Chuckles.]
It's like, there are gonna be cameras in the courtroom.
I wonder what Annie's wearing.
It's like, I don't want to clash what she's wearing, and she's more of, like, an Autumn, and I'm a winter.
- Oh.
- And I'm a cusp between winter and spring, which is unusual.
- All right, focus, Cheryl.
- I'm in my head.
It's Geoffrey's fault.
If I wanted to be micromanaged all day, I'd still be grooming dogs with my mom.
Do you ever think you'd be happier doing just I don't know something a little easier? On the bad days.
You know, I do have a little voice in my head saying, you know "Quit!" Right, as a general rule, I think you should just ignore the voices in your head, but that one I don't know it might be onto something.
I can't.
My clients need my help.
Right, but is it helping if they end up in jail? Most of them end up there no matter what.
- Yeah.
- But they're so grateful that someone's defending them.
- Oh.
- "Thanks just for listening.
" Or, "your advice changed my life.
" It is so tough being in the system, and you're seeing people on their worst day.
I find a little humanity goes a long way.
You know what? Let's save your job.
Okay? So when I do my opening statements, I do the three "H" s.
I give historical context.
I humanize my client, who then I ask the jury to Third "H," Cheryl? - Hug? - Or help.
Help's usually what I go with.
- Oh, yes.
Right, right.
- To help the client.
Hugging comes later.
[Chuckles.]
All: What do we want? Homeless rights! When do we want 'em? Now! Hi.
Are you with the courts? - Yeah.
- Great.
We'd love to get perspective from someone in the D.
A.
'S office.
No, I'm a public defender.
What makes you think I'm a D.
A.
? 'Cause you're not dressed like a substitute teacher on his way to sign divorce papers.
Connie, lose the troll.
We got a hot public defender.
I'm available later if you need some b-roll.
- I know nothing about that.
- Come on, Nina.
I spent two freaking hours prepping Larry.
Why is goldilocks delivering our official statement? Tell us, do you believe the D.
A.
Is prosecuting the homeless on behalf of wealthy real estate interests? Oh.
[Scoffs.]
You know, I think it's dangerous to ascribe motivations to others when life is so complex.
I'm sure all the D.
As are good people.
We shouldn't - What's so complex? - What are you doing? - Hey! - Are you working for the D.
A.
Now? Okay! Well, keep listening.
The D.
As need to remember that they work for all the people, even the poor, just like I do.
And, you know, you can forget that sometimes, but it's never too late to stop being a dick.
Don't say "dick" on TV.
- You looked great, though.
- Thank you, Cheryl.
I'm gonna put some cardboard boxes next to your desk.
You might need them later.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- No, that's a bad thing.
Would you mind giving me notes on my opening statement? I took your notes on the three "H" s, and I came up with my own thing: The seven "I" s.
Ooh.
Love, live, lounge, leg, log, lube, laissez-faire.
Yeah.
- All right, thanks.
Hey.
- Hey.
How's Cheryl's opening statement coming along? Yeah, can you keep a secret? I failed.
It's a mess.
I can't do anything.
This is the second person I've helped get fired today.
I mean, one more, I think I'm eligible for the death penalty.
- Well, Cheryl's not your fault.
You tried.
- Okay, yeah, but what about Trent? No, Trent is your fault.
Yeah, he's going down.
And if he asks, will you tell him that I helped? Okay, I'm just gonna try to avoid him as much as possible today.
Oh, hey, hold the elevator.
Thank - What floor? - I leaked it.
I leaked your secret.
Five, please.
I leaked it, yes.
I leaked everything.
I leaked the secret.
I leaked everything about the homeless, about the development, because what you're doing is wrong.
And I know you don't want to be doing it, but nobody else knows that, so you just look like a Nazi, and I'm like Eva Braun by association, but with, like, none of the benefits.
I'm sorry if you lose your job, okay? But if you didn't want anyone to know, then why would you tell me? Wait.
Why did you tell me? You know that I am terrible with secrets.
I mean, your 30th birthday surprise party, every Christmas present, your fear of birds.
I am, like, the best at being the worst with secrets, and you know that, so you wouldn't have told me You wanted a scandal.
[Elevator dings.]
This is me.
Wait, you used me? Why would you do that? I told you.
I don't like what's happening.
And the truth had to come out.
You knew I'd leak it.
Yeah, thanks for being so dependable.
Cheryl.
You are gonna throw the Mundy trial.
I can't throw a trial.
Okay, now you're all ethical? See how it feels to have someone's hand up your puppet hole, hmm? If Cheryl loses, she's done.
I'll think about it.
Okay, so maybe on the opening, less is more.
- You don't want to overwhelm them.
- No, oh, no.
It's overwhelming? I can't improv.
I always go blue.
Forget what I said.
Forget it.
- You're good.
You're good.
- Okay.
[Gavel bangs.]
Mr.
Barber, you're up.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Question: Is this gonna be a bloodbath? Sometimes people surprise you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the case you have before you today is very simple.
The facts are not in dispute.
The defendant has engaged in disorderly conduct, blocking thoroughfares, and possessing excessive property on city sidewalks.
Again, very simple.
Thank you.
Yeah, bloodbath.
Ms.
Church, your statement.
Yes, Your Honor.
Okay.
[Clears throat.]
"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to be free.
" That's an odd request.
Who ordered that? [Chuckles.]
America did.
Read it right off the menu this little lady's holding.
Did she say "menu"? - Yes.
- Yes.
So America got what it ordered, a huge helping of tired, poor, and huddled.
Then when the check comes, America's nowhere to be seen.
Who's left holding the bill? My client, Annie Mundy, former school bus driver, voracious reader, pizza lover, libra.
Annie, like so many homeless Americans, cannot breathe free.
It's the system that's guilty.
That's what I'll prove.
That's what I'll prove.
[Cell phone buzzes.]
And at the end of this trial, you'll find my client, Annie Mundy spoiler alert not guilty.
Okay.
- Not bad.
- First witness, Mr.
Barber? I cannot watch this.
Thank you, Your Honor.
The people wish to drop all charges against Ms.
Mundy.
We won? We won! [Screams.]
[Cheers and applause.]
I can't believe this is happening! You don't want none of this, son.
Ms.
Church! - None of this, son! - Please conduct yourself - You want none of this! - Hell.
I'll give her this one.
USA! All: USA! I'm sorry.
I just need one quick minute.
- Excuse me.
- Thanks, thanks, thanks.
Wow.
I don't even know what to say.
I thank you.
I can't believe you just did that for me.
It wasn't for you.
Right, no, that'd be unethical.
Yeah, yeah.
I got a text.
Word from above to ease off.
So I did.
The downtrodden is absolutely ridiculous.
So, no, I never had any discussion with the mayor or anyone at city hall about harassing the homeless.
On the contrary, I'm pleased to announce a sizeable donation I'm making to the homeless rescue, the Balasso Center for the temporarily disenfranchised.
- So - No more homeless arrests.
The city gets a shiny new development, and Mr.
Balasso builds a shiny new homeless shelter 12 blocks from the complex, of course.
Oh, and Cheryl gets to keep her job.
That's the biggest win for our side.
- You were behind this whole thing? - Shush, my little puppet.
Don't want to hurt your tiny wooden brain.
Oh, but you should give yourself some credit.
It's like that wise woman on TV said that one time: "It's dangerous to ascribe motivations to others when life is so complex.
" Well, she is sounding pretty wise lately.
Then she said, "stop being a dick.
" Right.
Well, seriously, stop stop being a dick.
No promises.
Then Nina said, "oh, don't go with your opening argument.
You'll overwhelm.
" - Remember, Nina? - Yeah, yeah, no.
- It was an hour and a half ago, yeah.
- But I went with my gut.
You always got to go with your gut.
Class dismissed.
[Laughter.]
Oh! Look.
That's the guy I destroyed.
All right, I got to admit, she's got game.
Yeah, and then Trent, he got crushed, along with a little pressure from our team.
- Uh-huh, got to do it.
- Right? Seriously, really? You're not over him? Can't you see what happened here? Oh, do you know something? He played us.
He so played us.
He wanted it leaked, so he told me.
You blabbed.
Big scandal.
Balasso built a shelter.
Cheryl wins.
It's Trent.
We were his puppets.
He had his hands up all of us.
Why would you tell us this now? You have ruined our moment.
My God! Really, you got to learn to keep your mouth shut once in a while.
My five-year-old could have kept that secret.
- What secret? - Well No, the secret that Trent got beat by the best lawyer in L.
A.
today, right? That secret.
Well, that secret is out.
[Laughter.]
This gal is hilarious Deanna.
I always crack up when I get her letters from prison.
Listen to this.
"I've been thinking a lot about what you wrote.
"I need to start getting out of my own way.
I only wish Carl had gotten out of my way first.
" [Laughs.]
[Chuckles.]
I don't I don't get it.
She ran over her husband with her car.
- Oh.
- Classic scorpio.
- Sure.
- And then this oh, Ricky C.
- Armed robbery.
- Uh-huh.
Total sweetheart and genius artist.
That is my face.
Whoa.
- That is you.
- Yeah.
Look at that.
Now, what's the medium here? It's so - It's just glue, paper, and fingernails And toenails.
He's in prison, so getting art supplies is tough.
Excuse me one second.
I just have to go throw up.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!