Benched (2014) s01e11 Episode Script

1 [Upbeat pop music.]
I don't know, it's, like, normally, I wake up with this, like, mixed feeling of dread and inadequacy, like this is gonna be the new worst day of my life.
But this morning, I woke up, and I just I don't know, I feel better.
Even that horrible, screeching wand thingy - doesn't even bother me.
- [Metal detector chirps.]
Oop, found my IUD.
[Chuckles.]
It's my IUD, everybody! Or it's my belt.
Oh, my God.
That's it.
I'm over Trent.
Tha I am so completely over him, it's ridiculous.
It's like I have this Oh, new sense of, like, hope.
I'm glad you do.
Right, God, sorry.
You Robbed a church.
Okey-doke.
So that's that's fun.
[Rock music.]
Hey, now Benched - 01x11 Campaign Contributions hey, now - Morning! - Morning.
- Sharp suit, guy.
- Thanks.
Hey.
You're gonna beat this.
Maybe.
Anytime.
Give me a call.
- Counselor.
- Good morning.
Yes, exactly.
Good morning.
Morning, because it's before noon, and good, because for the first time in like the longest time, [laughs.]
I have no feelings for you! I mean, I look at you and I see A little boy.
Hi.
- You're pretty.
- Thank you.
Almost as pretty as Trent's fiancee.
What a delight.
What are you doing here? I'm in a mentorship program.
This is Walter.
We're sending bad guys to the slammer.
- Yeah.
- Oh, charming.
For a second, I thought maybe you adopted, which, wow, would actually be totally fine.
God, this is amazing.
Let's test it.
How is wedding planning going? You guys writing your own vows, or is Maria just going with Coldplay lyrics? Oh, we're actually putting that on hold for a little bit.
- Just sorting some stuff out.
- Oh.
That is that's some kind of news, huh? Wow, you know, old me would be, like, secretly delighted, but new me is, like, "good luck with that.
" [Laughs.]
- She talks a lot.
- Yes, she does.
- Wheels came off.
- No, no, 'cause see, that's just it.
Today, nothing can go wrong.
[Metallic clatter, thud.]
Oh.
The defendant stole a bunch of chair wheels.
Weird guy, loves wheels.
And cocaine.
Guys, something big just happened in the bathroom.
- Oh, come on.
- Again, Carlos? - Go to the doctor.
- [Quietly.]
Cheryl, no! I heard a rumor that someone here is on the short list for L.
A.
Public Defender - of the year.
- Is it me? It's Phil.
- Is it me? - No, it's Phil.
- Is it me? - It's you! [Laughs.]
Wait, Public Defender of the Year.
- That's actually a thing? - Yeah.
We get beat up so much in court, they think it's nice to give us a win.
But just one of us and only once a year.
- Who's "they"? - Nobody knows.
Jesus Christ, Micah.
What Why don't you announce yourself before you come be-bopping on in to someone's space? The award is given out by a semi-anonymous committee of judges, D.
As, law professors.
- You know the type.
- Phil, what name are you gonna use on your plaque? - You get a plaque? - Yeah, if you bring a $50 check to the awards dinner.
- There's an awards dinner? - Yes, which you also pay for.
I mean, come on, do you guys actually think that I have a chance against Mitch? - Ugh! - Mitch.
Mitch.
It's easy to win cases in the Pasadena Office.
It's all jaywalking and dog poop tickets.
Mitch is the worst.
I don't know what metric system you're using, but sounds like Mitch is the best.
No, he's the fake-est, most glad-handing brown-noser of all time, all right? It's exactly the kind of guy that wins these things, which is exactly why I want no part of it.
Well, wait a minute.
Wait.
All right.
Yeah.
So wait, your plan is to just do nothing? Well, having a plan would involve planning, but I don't plan on planning anything.
Okay, but this is official validation that you are better than everyone else.
- How do you not want that? - Look, Nina, the whole thing is a sham, okay? They vet some people that have had a few trials go their way, and then ultimately, it just becomes this big ass-kissing contest, and frankly, I can't fake it.
Oh, you can't fake it.
So when you kiss ass, you just really get in there and give 100% to that ass? Shut up.
Hey.
You should let me help you.
I can be, like, your campaign manager.
- Don't you have someplace to be? - Nope, very slow morning.
Now, committee members can be anywhere, so you've got to do what you do when you pick up girls.
Compliment them, laugh at their jokes, don't look at their boobs.
Now, who is the judge today? - It's Miyaki, why? - Oh, perfect.
She just got a new perm.
Tell her you like her hair.
All rise.
[Whispering.]
Abort.
Abort, abort, abort.
- Perm - Oh.
Ission to approach the bench, Your Honor.
To trespassing, possession, and lewd conduct, my client pleads guilty.
To jail, criminal.
Your Honor, may we approach? Not that you're not fully aware of the goings-on in your court, Your Honor, but there was a small child sitting with the prosecution.
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I volunteer as a big brother.
- Of course you do.
- School's out this week, - and both parents work.
- Say no more.
I was a big bro myself.
Made me the man I am today.
You learning about the justice system, young man? Yeah, I think I got it.
Correct me if I'm wrong.
We're the good guys, they're the bad guys, and you're Switzerland? Well, that's pretty much the idea.
Your Honor, I find this childish amusement at my client's expense extremely insensitive.
Objection.
Lame.
Overruled, but agreed.
[Laughter.]
You don't want any tangible evidence that you even existed here for the past 12 years, like, no plaque? Why do I want a plaque when I could have a sandwich? - [Scoffs.]
- Hi there.
- Two pastramis, please.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, right.
One pastrami and nothing.
Councilman Lopez, the pez dispenser.
- [Laughs.]
- Oh, God.
Mitch Grady, 2014 Public Defender of the Year and hopefully, 2015.
I can get down with that goatee, man.
Oh, my God, you were not kidding about this guy.
No, no, Mitch posts himself up here about this time every year to jerk off potential committee members.
Quinlan? Phil Quinlan? [Laughs.]
Imagine that.
Hey, but there's always one joke candidate, right? You know, he's like the plus-sized girl on Top Model.
- Oh ho ho! - That's true.
Hey, look who it is! Phil adelphia cream cheese.
Hide your bagels, everybody! [Polite laughter.]
How you doing there, Mitch? Hey, I heard you're up for P.
D.
O.
T.
Y.
- Yep.
- About time you got some "recognish.
" Hey, may the best man win, but watch out! - Oh, okay.
- Heh heh.
- Mitch Grady.
- Nina Whitley.
Nina Whitley.
Whitley Oh! "Whitley Houston.
" - Ho, ho.
- Oh, died.
Uh, "Whitley" while you work.
[Whistles.]
- I'll workshop it.
- Great.
- I'll workshop it, okay.
- Looking forward to that.
Hey, don't turn your back.
Kidney punch, kidney punch! - Oh! Yeah.
- [Laughs.]
Whoa.
You want to help me win? I'm in.
What, 'cause of some personal vendetta dick-measuring contest? - Yep.
- Nothing to do with what - I said about life and trying? - Nope.
I don't care about any of that.
- I'm gonna crush him.
- Where are you go Why are you always walking away from me? We're gonna have to miss lunch, buddy.
We got a mayhem deposition in ten minutes.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You cannot take him to that.
No, it's cool.
I made sure there'll be an extra chair for him.
How cool is it gonna be when he finds out that mayhem means the wanton and permanent removal of a [whispers.]
Person's limbs? Super cool! Is there gonna be blood involved? What are they gonna use to get the limbs off? - You see this? - Why don't you get a snack, - buddy? - Okay, you want something? No.
No, you're right, you're right, but I just I'm running really late, so I don't know.
Could you maybe take him for a second? - Me? - Could be a chance to broaden a young mind.
I like that bad guys always lose and that you get to wear a dress.
Me too.
I wonder if he knows what a bone saw is.
Okay, fine, fine.
I'll take him.
Profiles on every person who might possibly be on the committee.
Top secret sh Brace yourself.
There's some nude photos.
You expect me to memorize this? Yeah, as much as you can.
You're gonna need it tonight at the Rutherford Club.
God, I hate that stuffy old boys' club.
Well, on most nights, these guys are there, so it's the perfect opportunity for us to talk you up.
And you could smoke a cigar, you could sip some scotch, and you could schmooze until the handshaking gives you carpal tunnel and the brown-nosing gives you pink eye.
Come on.
Hey, random kid in our office.
Practice your small talk.
Good time to do it.
- Nice shirt.
- Wish I could say the same.
See, this is why I don't talk to old people or kids.
Everyone here looks like the people I run over in Grand Theft Auto.
Okay, just try not to bother anyone.
How about that? Do you like egg salad? I'll stick with these.
So, you guys are, like, the loser lawyers? Basically.
No, Larry, we're not loser lawyers.
We do important work here.
We uphold the rights of those who need it most, those who can't defend themselves.
Is that why they made ten Law & Orders and none of them are about Public Defenders? Well, there should be.
Sometimes good people get accused of a crime they didn't do.
And you guys help them get out of trouble? Not usually.
Then what's even the point? I don't know.
Trent's like a superhero catching bad guys and sending them right where they belong Prison.
No, no, no, no.
We're the superheroes.
Because of us, people get a shot.
But Trent's got a better office, better suits, plus that guy gets lucky.
A lot.
Yeah, I get lucky.
- You do? - Larry: You do? Yes.
No.
I'm going through a divorce, Walter, okay? But when I was married, my wife and I, we why am I defending my sex life to a kid? [Background chatter.]
[Dinner music.]
All right.
Let's bang this out.
Yeah, okay, so I knew you were gonna wear a joke tie, so I came prepared.
This tie tells a story.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God, is that story "I'm a cheap jackass"? Okay.
Are you kidding? All right, fine.
- Come on.
- I got it.
Put your collar up first.
Good, now you look like a winner, so just act like one for an hour.
Nina.
This is a surprise.
Hello, Trent.
And Phil.
I didn't expect to find you here.
I always thought of you as more of a "toy with your meal" kind of guy.
That's good, that's good, and you know, and I pegged you as more of a guy - who s his pants.
- Based on-based on what? Okay, we're just here to make the rounds.
Awards season and all, so Of course.
Well, I will leave you to it.
Hey, nice tie, by the way.
Oh, I get it.
I see, I see.
You're trying to turn me into a little miniature version of him, aren't you? That's not gonna work.
I am obviously much taller and have way better breath.
Okay, no, but look at him.
He's the king of the cocktail party.
You can do this.
You just have to give yourself a shot.
I mean, or you can let him win.
So juror number four, this guy Jack says, "Mitch, I like you.
You've got heart in spades.
" Men: Oh! [Chuckling.]
All right.
Let's give it a shot.
Okay.
After you.
It all starts with freedom of speech.
Isn't that, um, law professor sacks or something? Yeah, you read my files.
The constitution seldom changes.
- Our understanding, however - I keep saying "if the constitution is a living document, then why isn't it returning my calls?" Nina Whitley, pleasure.
[Laughs.]
"Returning my" My colleague, Phil Quinlan, once used the first amendment on a Graffiti case.
He called it the "bathroom stall defense.
" Now, that's something I never learned at Stanford.
Yeah, yeah, it got me an acquittal.
Plus, I got loo some Picasso-esque drawings of male genitalia.
[Laughs.]
Well, every job has its perks, eh? They're eating you up.
Keep going.
So, constitution guy, huh? You know the a map on the back.
You guys didn't see National Treasure? I see you're still a hit with the AARP crowd, huh? Yeah, and I see you still come here every Tuesday night for date night.
- Old habits.
- Where is Maria? She wasn't feeling up to it tonight, so I'm traveling solo.
Hey, I noticed you bought Phil my favorite tie.
You guys aren't, uh Uh [chuckles.]
No.
No.
No.
God, no, no, no.
- Good.
- Yeah.
I mean, not that I care.
Yeah.
Not that I care if you How great is it that I don't care? - That is great.
- Yeah.
Trenter's insurance.
Nina Schnitzel.
[Chuckles.]
I'm working on it.
Don't sue me.
That is my cue.
Hey, I saw you talking to the Attorney General.
- Introduce me.
- Nah.
Boo.
Hey, may I get a whiskey, neat? God, that is the longest I've ever talked about my job while not at work.
- That was not even two minutes.
- I know.
I'm exhausted.
You know you can do this, right? You are just as good as anybody here.
What is this to you, anyway? Why are you doing all this? I'm doing this because you deserve it.
You're actually one of the best lawyers I know, and one of the best people I know, and I refuse to let you bring yourself down with your whole "I don't give a crap" shtick.
Okay? So how 'bout get back out there? After you.
[Franz Ferdinand's Right Actions plays.]
Come home, practically all Is nearly forgiven Oh Right thoughts, right words Right actions But how can we leave you To a Saturday night Or a Sunday morning Good morning Right thoughts, Right words And I told him, "you turn this schooner back to shore, or I'm going to mount your head in my study.
" [Laughter.]
Objection! He totally did it.
Objection? Your face did it.
Can we make him stop talking? This kid thinks Trent's a hero.
Can you believe that? He's got it totally backwards.
But I've got this terrible case coming up.
Grandma keeps selling ice cream without a license.
Trent's gunning for time.
We'll see who the hero is then.
It's gonna be a sob fest.
Can't wait.
[Chuckles.]
Well, I'm glad you're the office's passionate idealist.
By the way, how did it go last night? Did you sell your soul to get a plaque you're gonna have to pay for? [Scoffs.]
You know how Nina can be overbearing and really annoying.
Well, last night was different.
It was nice.
- Nice, like - No, no, no, no, not like that.
Just, she helped me feel okay in a fancy world I don't belong.
- Sounds like Titanic.
- No.
She helped me fake it, you know, with all those people.
Ah, My Fair Lady.
No, no, no.
It's just, it's been a while since I've been in a relationship.
- The teamwork - Uh-huh.
Felt good.
Just for one day.
- That's Moulin Rouge.
- Not Moulin Rouge.
After repeated citations, Ms.
Gonzalez has once again violated section 16, title 21, vending dairy products without a license.
No permit, must not acquit.
Your Honor, Ms.
Gonzalez's only crime was selling ice cream.
What? She violated multiple health codes and permit laws for the fourth time.
Wait, what's so bad about selling ice cream? No talking.
It was cute at first.
Now, I'm over it.
So the people are seeking jail time? - That is correct, Your Honor.
- That lady can't go to jail! - Walter, shh.
- Are you kidding me? She didn't even do anything.
She doesn't deserve to go to jail.
Walter, be quiet.
Ugh.
You're out of order.
You're out of order! A five-minute recess Your Honor? Sure, whatever.
It's not like I'm in charge or anything.
Walter, wait, wait.
Why are you doing this? It's my job.
She was just selling ice cream.
Look.
The law's the law.
And sometimes, the law comes down hard on innocent nice old ladies.
Why aren't you stopping him? I got her the best deal I possibly could.
So he's evil and you're useless.
Ugh! Hey, so I hear it's in the bag.
- [Applause.]
- All right, hey hey.
Hold your horses, all right.
Nothing's in the bag.
- Except booze? - Yeah.
Well, that should never be in a bag.
Let's go.
Pour these out.
I cannot wait to mount Mitch's head.
There's a Mitch I'd like to scratch.
Yeah, that was sorry.
Ohh oh, that's gross.
Oh, there he is.
Speak of the devil and he appears.
I came to concede your work.
Just read the official tweet.
Wow, well I guess I'm not a plus-sized model, am I? I could totally get catalog work.
Actually, I'm conceding to Nina.
Congratulations.
You are the P.
D.
of the year.
Wait, [Chuckles.]
I'm P.
D.
of the year? [Chuckles.]
I'm P.
D of the I'm P.
D.
of the year.
Hey, congrats, huh? Hmm.
Wow, these are laughably small cups.
I'm going to be in the bar where they have regular-sized alcoholic containers.
Cop a Phil.
Tough loss.
I remember the first time I lost What are you what? That was my mother's tie.
There you go.
Phil, I had I had no I didn't know.
- Hey, congratulations.
- Oh, thanks.
Well, way to go there, Nino.
Thank you.
Hey, counselor.
- Hey.
- Heard about your win.
Did a good job at the club.
Yeah, a little too good, apparently.
Hey, sometimes it's lonely at the top.
You remember when we crushed the Hanson's Easter egg hunt? Yeah, and no one would sit with us at brunch afterwards.
Yeah, but it felt good 'cause we were winners.
Yeah, we were winners with 85 inedible hard-boiled eggs.
Mmm.
I don't even know how I got in the running for this stupid thing.
Well, I recommended you.
What? Why would you do that? You've done an amazing job here.
Hey, congrats on the award and on getting over me.
Thank you.
Phil.
Phil, I am so sorry.
I did not know that that was gonna happen.
It's fine.
No, it came out of nowhere.
It was like Pearl Harbor and I was the harbor.
Or no, sorry, I was Japan.
Actually, I think that the award would probably be Japan.
- Seriously, Nina, it's fine.
- No, it's not fine.
You have every right to be furious with me.
Yeah, well, I'm not.
So, we're fine.
Okay, every time you say you're fine, - you sound less fine.
- [Sighs.]
Listen, Nina, the truth is it's a meaningless award.
Yeah, that you deserve.
Yeah, well you really put a lot of effort into making me think that I had a shot.
What? No, I didn't mean I didn't mean to do that.
- I mean, I did - Look, it's my fault, okay? None of this stuff used to ever matter to me, but somehow you convinced me to care and I just, I shouldn't have fallen for it.
Fallen for what? Is it so bad to care about something for once in your life? Stupid! Idiot! Failure! So what? I can end up like that? Philm Noir.
Ninaste.
[Chuckles.]
Oops, just on my way to the recycling plant.
- Eat a dick, Mitch.
- Will do.
[Sobs.]
Look, I was just trying to help you.
No, you were helping yourself, Nina.
It's never about anybody but you.
You think I did this for me? I just wanted you to want it.
What am I, some project to you? You trying to turn me into your douche bag ex-boyfriend? Huh? Well, it's not gonna work.
I'm not that guy, okay? I will never be that guy.
Fine.
Well then, fine.
It's because you're a girl! You won because you're a girl! Yeah, 'cause us gals, we just get it all handed to us.
- Enjoy your reign.
- Okay.
Oh, what a sad man.
Whatever.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, mm-hmm.
Okay.
I knew you'd be back for this beaut.
Maria and I are done.
I'm so sorry.
- Don't be.
- Oh.
Hey, Mr.
Carlos.
Hey Walt clippers! Glen "big baby" Davis.
I'm really not a baby.
I'm a grown-ass man.
This is what a big brother's all about.
Just ladies, bentleys, and shopping sprees.
- You're a big brother.
- Yeah.
I love the kids.
Especially this one.
He's so cute.
Mc Walt.
Show him how you moonwalk.
Moonwalk.
Moonwalk.
Isn't that good? Well, it's - Tell him it's great.
- It's great.