Benched (2014) s01e12 Episode Script

- Morning.
- Hey.
Now, that was an amazing night.
Yeah, but was it real, or did I dream it? 'Cause I've dreamt it so many times, but I've also dreamt that a scarecrow was eating my teeth.
But it was me, but it wasn't me.
Do you ever have I think this dream's better.
It wasn't a dream.
It was just uninhibited, carefree fun.
- I mean, last night, what was that? - Oh, it was my thumb.
No, I mean the whole thing.
I, it was just electric, right? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah? Mm-hmm.
Oh, damn.
That motion.
Oh, my God, I'm so glad you liked it, because I just read it in a Cosmo - that I found in the jury box - No, I mean, I need to file a motion.
- Right.
- But I dug that Cosmo thing.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Don't listen, okay? Benched - 01x12 - SEASON FINALE Brief Encounters Okay, everybody, listen up.
We're throwing a surprise party for Nina.
- And I was thinking - Why? The Public Defender of the Year Dinner was canceled.
Not enough people bought tables.
Why a surprise party? I mean, she kind of swiped P.
D of the Year Award away from Phil.
It sounds like a job for a greeting card.
They don't have cards for P.
D of the Year.
I checked all of the Internet.
Did you check the deep Internet? Phil, I was hoping that you could maybe bring Oh, actually, I don't want to bring anything or buy anything or make anything for this party, and I don't want to chip in to buy anything or make anything as a group, and I don't want be in charge of buying or bringing anything that needs to be bought or brought.
Does does that cover everything? I'll put you down for getting her to Don Guardo's Friday night.
God, I forgot to add that one in there.
Good morning, everyone.
All right, or good morning, me.
Oh, thank you, me.
All right.
Hey, Phil, you have a few secs? God, that sounded like I just said sex, but why would I say sex? Obviously, I didn't mean sex.
I meant seconds.
- I'm just gonna stop talking.
- Do I have a sec, do you mean? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay, yeah, 'cause I just I feel terrible about the way the P.
D of the Year thing went down.
I mean, God, I've only been here a year, and I go ahead, and I win that whole thing just right off the bat, and you God, you've been here for 12 years Whatever this is, it's fine, okay? Don't worry about it.
Everything is cool.
Okay, good, 'cause, you know, you're You mean a lot, I mean, your friendship means a lot.
You get it, right? Do you get what I'm saying? - Mm-hmm.
- You got it.
All right.
So are you guys - Are you guys still happening or - Nah, no.
I think I misread that.
- I guess I'm not her type.
- All right.
Well, if we're supposed to hate her, just let me know.
Oh, my God.
- Oh.
- Oh, sorry.
I'm always trying not to walk into people, but you're usually so good at it.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, no, I'm good.
- I was just reading a text from a friend.
- Oh, cool.
Yeah, she had a pretty crazy night last night.
Me too, my cat started talking to me, and I realized I'm out of my pills.
Right, yeah, no, I meant crazy as in, like, you know, she hooked up with an ex that she works with, and by hooked up, I mean sex, and by sex, I mean like animals.
Ooh, like cows? What? No, like like sexy.
- Like snow leopards.
- Oh, meow.
Well, this appeal can wait.
Continue.
Just before I start, why was cows your first go-to? Okay, they're big, and they're warm.
Justin, FYI, your witness didn't bring his billing records as evidence because you filed a subpoena instead of a subpoena duces tecum.
What? Less Latin, more English.
- It means you're screwed.
- Oh, am I? Watch this.
Morris, my man.
Hey.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Did you did you catch that game last night? Yeah, it was insane.
- I was like - Yeah, I know it.
- At the end, I was like ah! - Ah! - And then, ugh.
- Ugh.
Anyway, I was wondering if you could do me just a little favor.
I'm waiting on some evidence to come in, and I wondered if you could delay my guy just a Just a little bit.
I don't know, maybe get him lost in the system.
So you want me to lose a prisoner.
Yeah, just a small favor between between friends.
- We're friends? - Yeah, of course we are.
What? Why would you even Well, we've never grabbed lunch.
- Well, then let's grab lunch.
- All right, great, great.
- Well, we'll do lunch.
- All right.
And then I'll lose your guy so deep, they'll need some Matrix-type sh to find him, you know? Oh, I like it.
I like it.
- Right? - All right.
Yeah.
It's who you know.
Before I assign a trial date and cost the people of Los Angeles a buttload of time and moolah, Ms.
Whitley.
I can beat this thing.
Okay, you showed your penis on a bus.
There were 18 witnesses.
7 of them were Jehovah's.
It's the zippers, not me.
What we should be doing is suing the pants off the zipper interests.
Got it, okay.
Your Honor, it's not guilty.
Well, perfect.
In two days, the people will consider Mr.
Makintosh's genitalia, the very reason I went to law school.
Next case.
Um, Mr.
Barber, there's actually a few issues concerning the case that I need to talk to you about, so if there's just somewhere private we could talk about this, that'd be great.
- Oh, that was - Wow.
That was quite the move you pulled Yeah, I know.
That mop gave me some balance.
So should we discuss the elephant in the room? Well, yeah, no, I was on more of a regimen - when we were together, you know? - No, the Makintosh trial's in two days.
So if we're really gonna do this and not just in closets, we need to file papers to disclose the relationship.
Or what, they're gonna take away our license to practice law? Yes, that's exactly what they'll do, and I'll be running for office someday, so can't risk a scandal.
So you want to fill out a form, like, with all of our information, and then the whole world sees the form, and then when you and I walk past, everyone's like, "those are the two people on the form.
" - And then people at lunch are like - Nina, you're overthinking this.
I'm ready.
We've done it.
We know how it works.
You remember how it was, right? - Yeah.
- Me and you.
It'll be like we always talked about and more.
You know, we can we can get a dog.
Wow, a dog, okay.
Portuguese water dog, I was reading about it.
They're great with kids, and more than that, they're just in general tremendous animals.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
- Let's get the form.
- Yeah, let's get the form.
I hate to bother you.
Not that much apparently.
I just need to get a form.
- Number? - Oh, just one.
Form number.
I don't know the exact number of the form.
How about what's it for? Oh, it's actually a little - Do I have to say? - No, I'll just read your mind.
Is there just a place I could browse all of the forms? No.
- Okay, that's handy.
- Yeah, it's like magic.
- Nina.
- Jeffrey.
Jeffrey, my boss.
My boss, Jeffrey.
What are you what are you doing here? Well, actually, that's a little personal.
- Oh, enough said.
God, no, enough said.
- Prolapsed anus.
No, I need a form to get a special chair.
- Right, yeah, yeah.
- What about you? Same, same, same, samesies.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Just - That's the sound.
- Yeah.
- Now, which form is it? - Oh, right here.
- Oh, good, good, good.
- There you go.
So you headed out then? No, you know, actually I have a couple questions, so Yeah, yeah, me too.
Maybe we should just Oh, no, my my phone.
Oh, it's my doctor, 'cause they found a donor.
Whole anus, so You're one of the lucky ones.
- I'll just - Yeah, I'm-I'm lucky.
- Donna! - Jeffrey! You are the sunshine.
- Hey.
- Any news from your friend? Actually, yeah.
It looks like they're gonna take this private thing and make it public.
Yeah, she's been hung up on this guy for a long time, so I know I know she really wants this.
Yeah, she should just go for it.
Right? Like, it's obvious, right? She should just go for this.
Cheryl, do you have that homicide evidence? Shh, Carlos, Nina's telling me about her slutty friend.
- Nina has a friend? - "Nina has a friend?" Yes, Nina has a friend, Carlos.
What's this friend's name? - Pen.
- Her name is Pen, like that pen? No, no, no, that's just It's short for Penelope, but we call her Pen or Penny.
She's got a big decision to make, so I'm helping with advice.
And you know what I'm gonna tell her? I'm gonna tell her that this guy is not like any other guy.
He ticks all of her boxes.
He is handsome, he's successful, and he smells like Christmas in Barbados.
So, yeah, yeah, you know what? I'm gonna tell her that she better get on that train before that train leaves the station.
Could I get on that train? Would that be weird? You take the next train.
I need that homicide evidence.
I am dancing as fast as I can, Carlos! Morris, hey, my client got called, and I lost.
What happened to getting him lost in the Matrix? I waited for you in the cafeteria.
Oh, man, I didn't realize that was today.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
You know what? You're one of those glib guys.
You're one of those guys that says sh They don't really mean like, "oh, looking forward to it.
Yeah, count me in.
I'm on it.
" Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil.
Did you ask Nina to go to the bar for the surprise party? - I'm on it.
- Okay.
Look, lunch was my bad, okay? Let me make it up to you.
How about I take you out for a beer, we go to happy hour, maybe Don Guardo's? - All right.
- Okay.
Sure, sounds good.
Hey, don't stand a brother up.
Hey, not a chance.
Looking forward to it.
Jesus, I really do that.
- Hey! - Hey.
What exactly do you think you're doing with my box? - Nobody touches Donna's box.
- Actually, I'm good, Donna.
I am quite good.
I am set.
Quite possibly set for life.
- Then get out of here.
- Okay.
- Hey, Nina.
- Hey, yeah.
Hey, I was just grabbing a cup of coffee.
I was looking at it, and I thought, "hey, this is a drink.
"Maybe we should go grab one of those tomorrow, Don Guardo's.
" Are you are you asking me out? To Don Guardo's.
I'd love to, but I am up to my kneecaps in male genitalia right now.
It's a flasher case.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, so - That's a good reason.
Wait, what's the real reason? You got a hair thing or a spa thing? You getting something lanced? That's good.
That's a good choice.
You won't be sorry.
I know, you got your date with a box of wine, but come on, it'll be You're drinking anyway.
No, it's just wait, why? Better question, why not? You don't have an answer.
That's a yes.
That's a yes.
- No, I just I - Well How about a maybe? That sounded that was a maybe.
There is only one way you might be able to avoid a life sentence, and it's very complicated.
You're gonna need to listen very carefully.
- Cheryl, I need you.
- Oh, okay.
- I need you.
- Be back in a sec.
Okay.
- Penny got cold feet.
- Why? She was on the train.
Did she get off the train? I think she just got butterflies for another guy.
Another guy? What the hell is she thinking? Is Pen insane? No, no, no, no, no.
She didn't do anything with this guy.
He asked her out, and she she felt something, and now it's making Penny wonder if If she's making this giant decision for all the wrong reasons.
I don't know.
What does she do? Does she lock it up and let go of all other options, or does she kind of hold out for those butterflies? Trent, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah.
Somewhere a little more private.
Oh, yeah, I get it, yeah.
Yeah.
Come on.
- Yeah, okay.
- After you.
We got to make this quick.
I got to get a brief in before the clerk before he goes home.
Oh, you're gonna keep the files? Yeah, hold on to the files.
- I like that.
- Okay, no, no.
It's not that.
I brought you in here because I can't do this.
Wait, what? I don't get it, Nina.
I thought this was what you wanted.
Yeah, wanted, past tense.
Look, I thought I wanted this, and old Nina, God, she so wanted it.
But I've grown, and I've changed since our relationship.
And now you want me to put it on paper, and I am not I'm not paper-ready.
Look, this is abrupt.
I know.
I just figured it out, and I had to tell you immediately, and I'm I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if you thought we were gonna screw in here right now.
That's it's okay.
You're right.
You're right.
I'm a glib guy.
I keep people at arm's length.
It's safer that way.
Yeah, no, sure, I understand that.
It's just been a little mixed up lately.
There's there's There's someone at work that I see every day, and I think I like Nina.
Oh, you're just now realizing that? We all kind of saw that for Duh, duh, duh, duh, this is my time here, okay? I had to listen to your whole "I met Glenn close once" story for 25 minutes, so the fact is, my lights were off, and then suddenly, she walks in like a crazy train, and they're back on again.
- She turned them on.
- And and and You know? I don't know.
Maybe I'm not dead inside.
- You thought you were dead? - I might not be dead inside.
- Mm-hmm.
- Right on.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You're just the person I wanted to see.
Wanted to ask you something.
Yeah, I want to- - I want to tell you something.
- Oh, okay.
Well, you tell me the thing, and then I'll ask you the thing.
Oh, no, you ask me the you go ahead.
Okay, would you - I'm good to do the drinks.
I'm in.
- You are you would? - Okay, well, that's what I was gonna ask.
- Okay, well, yeah, I will.
I do.
I do want to do the drinks, so Great, me too.
Me too, so I guess we'll be having a drink.
Can I ask why the change of heart? Why not? - Why not? - Okay.
- Okay.
- Good.
- Good.
- Good.
So Um, that's I'm gonna I'm gonna just go Inside.
I'm gonna go inside.
'Cause I got lawyer court stuff to do.
- Yeah, same.
- So okay.
Same.
See you tonight.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Okay.
Sh The envelope.
Good morning, Donna.
Hey, I need a a quick favor.
Okay, if you could just stop the little stamp thingy just for a quick sec, I need to get that little envelope back.
It's super important, okay? So I know it's right Hands off, or hands off.
It's my envelope now.
It's in the system already.
There's nothing I can do at this point.
Now, buh-bye.
The system is just you and your little stamp thingy.
Well, I know No, Junior, you back it off! Do not touch this.
I need this envelope.
My life depends on this envelope! Ha! I got it.
I got it.
All right, it's mine now, and look, your box your box Shut it down.
Your box is fine.
The system is fine.
But your attitude, Donna.
Your attitude sucks.
In fact, you all suck, and you can all just suck it right here.
Suck it! So Oh, God, this is It's it's not mine.
So Could could we Could we maybe just start over or Lady, you need serious help.
I'm talking like some Girl, Iinterrupted kind of sh I'm not qualified for that.
I will rip up your envelope.
Thank you.
But if you ever come in here again, this Is your asshole.
Here you go, Your Honor.
- Thanks, Donna.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm, B-25, relationship disclosure form.
This thing's been through the wringer.
Yeah, it came like that.
Nina Whitley and Trent Barber.
I don't understand how she found anybody to date.
She's so unpleasant.
Judge Blaps, my friend.
It's your old pal Donny.
Listen, you're never gonna guess who I got a B-25 from.
- Nina.
- Yes, that is me.
And that's you.
- Shall we? - Yup.
If you want to talk about the thing that happened on the steps, we can Or we don't have to, 'cause I don't need to overanalyze it unless you - No.
- Okay.
Yeah, it's a terrible quality.
I mean, just can't turn this thing off.
- Oh, um - Yeah.
You look great.
- You coming? - Yeah.
Nina should be here any minute.
So just shh.
You guys, I thought I said silence or off.
You guys get this? Nina and Trent? Seriously, guys? Oh, that's mine.
Oh.
What the fudge cake? - Trent and Nina? - Isn't he engaged? - Does Phil know? - Oh, man.
Is there a power outage or something? Crap on a cracker, she's here.
Surprise! Congratulations on the P.
D of the Year Award! Surprise! It's a surprise party.
That was a pretty convincing invitation on the steps.
So you and Trent, huh? What? What? No, no, no, no, no, no, Phil, it's not what you think.
Hey, we made you a signature cocktail.
It's called a Whitley Sour.
Not that you're sour.
You're just irritable.
- Congratulations.
- Okay.
Make a toast.
Hey, um, everybody.
Could you excuse me for just one minute? - Thank you.
- Okay.
Okay.
Hey.
Phil, can you just wait All right, you know, I can't run in these at all, so can you just meet me halfway, please? Where are you going? Oh, I just remembered I got a secret family.
I got to go tuck the kids into bed.
Okay, can I at least just explain? Because Trent and I, we are not That's fine.
It's fine.
Go.
Go enjoy your party.
Listen to you.
You're already the top of the bottom, huh? Okay, can you Can you just not disappear? I wouldn't let you off that easy.
What does that mean? It means I'll see you Monday, Whitley.
You guys, who else in the office do you think is treating each other's genitals like hostile witnesses? I hope nobody at this booth.
It is a pretty unappetizing bunch.
This might not qualify, but I keep having these recurring dreams where Micah is giving me a hot cream shave.
That qualifies.
Let's get this cake ready before Nina gets back.
Okay.
"Congarbalations, Mimal.
" Jesus, Larry, why are words so hard for you? I said, "congratulations, Nina," over the phone, but my mouth was full of a tuna melt.
You'd think a professional froster would know better.
- I'm going in.
- No, no, no, wait for Nina.
- She's not coming back.
- I think she wet herself.
At least make a toast.
Congarbalations, Mimal.
Wow, you're right, Larry.
It totally sounds like "congarbalations, Mimal.
" Why is there a penis on the cake?