Benidorm (2007) s05e07 Episode Script
Series 5, Episode 7
See you.
Do you know, you have got a lovely face.
Why the horrible hair? It's like crispy seaweed.
Oh, I shouldn't have said that.
I'm regretting that beef fu yung.
Yeah.
Aye.
All right.
You've got beautiful eyes, but you can hardly see 'em.
Why don't you come in and let me do a lovely number two all over your head? What? Where are you going? Oh, God, no.
I meant a number two haircut.
I'm an hairdresser.
Oh.
Bed.
Excuse me, young man, you couldn't tell me which hotel's the Solana? Er yeah.
This one here with Solana written down it.
Oh, yeah.
Sort those out, will you, Neville? No problem.
My apologies.
Reading is neither my, or my associate's, strong point.
Neither is brushing your teeth.
Morning.
Oh You're up and about early.
Now, I'm glad I've bumped into you, because I have a hair appointment at 11 o'clock, and I wondered if I could move it a bit earlier.
No, I'm sorry, love.
I've had to cancel all my appointments today.
I'm very ill.
Oh.
Have you just come back from the chemist? No.
Cafe Benidorm.
Oh, are they not doing coffees in here yet? No.
Cafe Benidorm is a nightclub.
But it's eight o'clock in the morning.
That's trapped wind, that is.
Not anymore.
That's why your stomach is so enormous.
You need to get indoor, get on the loo and have a ruddy good trump.
When you've quite finished dispensing your medical advice, I wonder if you'd kindly get out of my way so me and my enormous stomach can get to bed? I didn't mean to be rude.
And I'd pick your feet up if I were you, cos if it is wind and it blows as I walk past you, you'll spend the rest of your morning walking back from Albir.
Mick, what's going on? Wait till your mother gets here.
Have you killed someone? Don't be stupid.
Why else would you get us up at eight for a family meeting? I don't even know what a family meeting is.
You do now, cos we're having one.
What the frig is this all about? It's eight o'clock in the morning.
If this family meeting doesn't involve the words Euro millions, there's gonna be trouble.
Have you all finished? Whatever it is you want to say, just hurry up and tell us.
Right.
Does anyone want a drink first? No! No! Just get on with it! He has killed someone.
Shut up.
When I had to stay behind to sort out the sun bed shop that had the fire, I didn't tell you the whole story.
Them cheap sun bed tubes that caught fire in the Pickering Road branch, well I put 'em in all the shops.
The morning you lot flew out to Benidorm there was another four fires.
Oh, another four sun beds caught fire? No.
The other four shops.
Mick, this isn't funny.
I know it isn't.
By dinner time, all five of Mel Madge's our sun bed shops had burnt to the ground.
Nobody was hurt, unbelievably.
But there's more.
Oh God, I don't even know how to say this.
We weren't insured.
Of course we're insured.
Don't be stupid.
You never paid the insurance premium, did you? No.
We've got absolutely nothing.
And it's all my fault.
Less than nothing, in fact.
Why didn't you tell us before? Because he's nothing but a spineless animal.
Someone who's gone through life never thinking about anyone but himself.
That's not true.
Well, what can I say? Well done, Mick.
You've left us all without a pot to piss in.
Everything my Mel worked for in his life, you've managed to destroy.
You've managed to make his life pointless, and my life worthless.
I regret the day I ever set eyes on you.
I think that went quite well, all things considered.
Kenneth.
Kenneth.
Oh, come on, Kenneth.
Keep it together.
There is something I need to tell you.
Open that door, will you, love? If I can't even manage to put my key in that lock in this state, I'm glad I didn't go home with Big Benny from The Carousel last night.
Last night, when you went clubbing, Joyce, she had the locks to the salon changed.
Why's that? Oh, we haven't been broken into, have we? Have them kids been nicking perming solution to sniff? What's wrong with glue? She say something about the rent.
You did not pay.
That's ridiculous.
My rent's due on the 12th.
What date does that say? Today is the 27th.
Oh, well, I'm only a few days late, I'm sure it can be sorted.
What the Get up! I know you're in there, you vile old witch.
You've gone too far this time.
Open this door! Argh! Si? Que quieres? Mira que hora es! Oh, my God.
Erm can I speak to, please? Vete! Que no es ingles.
Vete.
Argh! Yes? Can we help you? Bloody hell! How many of you are there in there? Jacqueline and I are staying with a few friends from the Benidorm Circus.
Nothing terribly heavy, just a contortionist, a couple of clowns and a Mexican animal trainer.
Was there anything else? What room number is this? I believe it's 602.
I think the number may have fallen off when we had to brace the door last night.
Sorry.
I need next door.
Not a problem.
Joyce? Joyce! Open this door now.
Do you hear me? Open this door! What in God's name do you think you're doing? I might very well say the same to you.
What have you done to my salon? I'm not discussing it here.
Oh, no, you don't, lady, we'll sort this out here and now.
Oh, my God.
When did this happen? When did what happen? When were you burgled? Erm Last night.
Oh, Jesus, I'd better go and check my apartment.
I'll see you downstairs.
It's not that bad.
Now, as you know, today, finally, we have our hotel star rating assessment.
That fourth star is so close I can practically taste it.
Are you gonna give us the heads' up when the assessor arrives? So we can make sure he's looked after.
The assessor is already here.
She arrived yesterday morning.
Thankfully, I'm not as stupid as you all look.
I have personally put her in the penthouse suite on the 21st floor.
Didn't know we had a penthouse.
Didn't know we had a 21st floor.
She's been enjoying room service ever since she arrived, but there is no way she can award us our four stars without checking all the facilities.
I can give her room service.
I don't mind her checking my facilities.
Mrs Simmonds is a very sophisticated woman.
I want you going absolutely nowhere near her.
Lesley, I'm appointing you to look after her.
Nay bother.
If any of the guests approach her, I want them removed from the building.
Right, I'm meeting her by the pool in ten minutes.
Class dismissed.
Temple-Savage, you bitch! I have just spent the last 15 minutes trying to get into my room.
Your belongings have been packed away and are in plastic bags in the store room.
Don't make a scene, Mr DuBeke.
I don't wish to involve the police.
The police? I'm two weeks late with my rent, not drowning holiday-makers in the pool, you drama queen.
Mr DuBeke, please lower your voice.
We have a hotel assessor in the building, and I do not wish to have a full-on cat fight in the middle of reception.
Don't you? Well, I bloody well do.
Argh! Arh! Ow! Ow! Ow! My jacket.
What have you done to my jacket? Argh! Ha! Look! Kenneth, what are you doing? I think he's upset about something.
You wrinkly old bag! Cow! My hair! My hair! My hair! Kenneth, he has, how you say? Lost his plot.
He's lost his bloody mind.
He's definitely lost his job.
Oh, my God.
My teeth! You've broken my front teeth! Now who needs the police? Now who needs the police, eh? If you want a rematch, just whistle.
If you can.
She's broken my teeth.
Where are they? Unbelievable.
I beg your pardon.
I wonder if I can have a moment of your time? Yeah? Are there any free day trips on today? Not that I know of.
Where do you wanna go? My associate Neville and I are looking for an old friend who we believe to be holidaying here.
Oh, aye? We can't find him, so we think he scaled the wall in a bid for freedom.
I'm so sorry to have troubled you.
Come, Neville.
A meander to the beach may be in order.
Bloody hell.
I think Neville was lucky to get time off from his job frightening kids to bed, don't you? Why don't we pretend I didn't tell you for another 24 hours? Stupid to ruin the last day of our holiday.
You haven't ruined the last day of our holiday.
You've ruined the rest of our lives.
Why didn't you tell us before? Because we'd have spent the whole holiday with faces like smacked arses.
He did the same thing to Nemo.
Who's Nemo? When I was seven I had a goldfish.
It died while I was at school.
But my Dad didn't tell me till I got home.
I spent the whole day thinking my pet goldfish was alive, but he wasn't.
He was dead.
But my dad didn't tell me.
Unbelievable.
One gin and tonic, very dry.
Which is more than can be said for you.
I'm so glad you enjoyed our little re-enactment of the battle between the Moors and Christians.
So that wasn't you having a fight with a large gay man who wanted to kill you? Oh, good gracious.
No, no.
That's Kenneth, our beauty salon stylist.
He likes to help out, you know.
I take it that's you telling me we've scored extra points for realism? Hello! British newspaper going begging, if anyone's interested.
Excuse me, would you mind leaving? Well, I was just asking - Lesley.
Security.
I'm sorry, pet.
I'm going to have to escort you outside.
What have I done wrong? It's only a newspaper.
I'm sorry about that.
Unfortunately, we have a lot of holiday-makers here at the moment.
Yes, I had noticed.
Another drink? I haven't had this one yet.
Well, have another one, anyway, completely gratis.
Mateo, another drink for Mrs Simmonds.
And a bowl of nibbles, if you please.
You mentioned Mateo's uncle roasts his own nuts, you know.
Really? Yes, well that can happen if one stands too close to the barbecue.
Oh, no, I mean peanuts.
He has a little stall on Oh, I see what you mean.
And a glass of water too, I think, Mateo.
Si, no problem.
Are you all right? Absolutely fine.
Now, are you sure there's nothing more we can do for you? Well, you mentioned a beauty salon? Yes.
Erm it's closed today, but I can guarantee it will be up and running first thing in the morning.
Oh, I'm checking out late this afternoon.
But not to worry.
I'm going on to a hotel in Alicante which has a four-star rating, so I'm sure they will be able to provide a manicure.
Oh, I Three months' free rent? Forget it.
Have you seen what you've done to me? I'm taking legal advice.
Three months' free rent, two new front teeth from my Swedish dentist in Al Faz, and unlimited use of the fax machine in reception.
Unlimited use of the fax machine? Who am I going to fax? I don't know anybody living in 1987.
Six months' free rent, two new teeth from the Swedish chef in Al Faz and No way.
Absolutely no way.
Think about it, Joyce.
How much do you want that fourth star? And how good would it look if you get it after being here one week? Four months' free rent, two new teeth, My final offer.
Done.
You can book Mrs La-di-dah in for this afternoon.
I'm going outside for a fag.
I want a taxi in five minutes to take me to Al Faz.
I'm going to see a man about some teeth.
Why don't we all go to the water park? My treat.
Your treat? Haven't you treated us all enough? Look, the point of being here is to get away from our problems.
Yeah, we've got a lot to deal with, but we're not home yet.
We've still got another day.
We should enjoy it.
How can we enjoy anything when you've left our lives in tatters? Because it's our choice.
It's up to us.
Don't you understand? What happens tomorrow will be the same whether we enjoy ourselves today or sit here miserable.
No, I don't understand.
Why is he talking in riddles? He's trying to wriggle out of what he's done.
I'm not trying to wriggle out of it.
I've messed up big time.
Bigger than anything before, and I've said sorry until I'm blue in the face.
Well, sometimes sorry just isn't good enough.
What do you suggest I do? Kill myself? Wouldn't be a bad idea.
All right.
That's enough.
Come here.
Why do you want Dad to kill himself? Why did you say that? Come and sit here.
I don't wanna sit there.
Nana, do you really want Dad to kill himself? It was his idea.
Think before you say things.
Don't you talk to me like that, or I'll tan your backside for you.
No, you won't.
You'll just sit there tanning yourself, being nasty to the people who look after you.
Look after me! That's a joke.
No, you're the joke.
My Dad said you say nasty things because you're old, like that's an excuse.
I've worked it out.
You say nasty things because you are nasty - simple as that.
Mick, get him and bring him here.
I'll cripple him.
Is that before or after he kills himself? I'll get him.
Do you want a cup of tea? Mam? Two sugars.
Drop of brandy in it.
You know when a family's got problems? When you can't have a civilized conversation without one of them flying off the handle.
I just don't feel this is my true vocation in life, Dad.
Nobody's saying it has to be, son.
We all do jobs from time to time to make ends meet.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life cleaning pools or fixing showers.
Oi! Mateo! Liam's thinking about leaving.
Tell him what a good job he's got.
You should keep this job.
See? You are too stupid to work anywhere else.
Thank you.
I am serious.
I have never met anyone as stupid as you, and most people I know are stupid.
Well, birds of a feather flock together.
Ha! You should not call them birds.
It is, how you say, bad politics.
Well, by all means, start looking for something else, but don't hand your notice in till you've got another job.
If I don't give up this job now, I might just stay in it forever.
Can you imagine the embarrassment of working here in your 40s? Or God forbid, your 50s? Or beyond.
That'd be just just sad.
Now, I wonder if I could trouble you for a Diet Cola with no ice and a slice of lime, please? Hang on a minute.
I'll just get my dad.
Dad? How old do I look? I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know? I mean, I'm not good at guessing ages.
You know how old I am.
Then why are you asking me? I'm not asking you how old I am, I'm asking you how old I look.
You don't look your age.
That's because I'm not.
What? I lie about my age.
So? Most people do.
By quite a lot.
You're not 50, are you? What? I don't know, you said 'a lot'.
Ooh, you nasty I'm spilling my drink! Now, now, girls, play nicely.
We're only messing! We had a saying when I was your age 'Make love, not war'.
All right, get up to the Bingo, start sniffing around someone your own age.
I was only Come on, Casanova, shift it.
Cheers, Lesley.
The one chance she gets this holiday to cop off with a younger fella, and you balls it up.
You cow! Well, how did you get on? What do you think? As colour matching goes, it's not what you'd call undetectable.
These are only temporary.
It's very confusing that you don't start every sentence with, 'What's up, Doc?'.
Oh, very funny.
What if I keep these front two this colour and then change all the others to match? Perfect.
Like the bastard love child of Susan Boyle and Simon Cowell.
Right.
I'd better be off.
I've got a VIP coming to the salon any minute now.
What's a VIP? VIP.
Very Important Person.
So I can't sit here gassing to you all day.
Oh, hello.
Oh, erm sorry about this morning.
Slight mix-up with the room numbers.
No bother at all, was it, Jacqueline? Oh, no.
Our door's always open to - well, anyone really.
Yeah, or anything, judging by the noises coming from your room.
Oh, you mean Adolfo.
Do I? Adolfo, the Mexican animal trainer.
He lost all his animals in a flash flood in the late '90s, and now he does animal impressions instead.
Very convincing.
Very.
Although I see you do animal impressions yourself.
What do you mean? Eeeerm, what's up, Doc! I wish people would stop saying that to me.
Hm.
Very busy in Ragtimes today.
You don't think we missed out on any special offer, do you? Oh, I hope not.
Excuse me, do you mind if my wife and I nudged up against you? Mr and Mrs Stewart.
I've finally tracked you down.
Again.
Hot Bovril.
Not for me, thanks.
I've just had a gin and tonic.
I mean your hair.
I can look at somebody and know exactly what they'd suit.
And you looked at me and thought Hot Bovril? It's a new hair colour.
Although I think Hot Bovril might be a shade too dark.
What about going ginger? It didn't occur to me.
Mind you, you do have to be careful.
I had a woman in last week who went for Honeycomb Shimmer.
Very thin, pale-faced woman with a short crop and a nasty pin stripe waistcoat.
She left looking like Steve Davis the snooker player.
I actually need a manicure.
A manicure? Yes.
That's not a problem.
I'll go and fetch Sue.
You don't seem very convinced.
No, no, it's not a problem.
I'm sure she's around here somewhere.
Can I get you a complimentary beef tea while you're waiting? No, I'm fine, thank you.
One minute.
Mateo, I need you to do me a favour.
Another one? I am not your slave.
Oh, shut up.
I need you to go to the indoor market and see if Fat Sue's in her shop.
Fat who? Fat Sue.
She runs that nail bar just on the left as you go in.
It's called Get Nailed.
I am sorry, I cannot leave the desk.
We have a VPL in the hotel and I have to be here in case she rings down for something.
She's not gonna ring down, cos she's in my salon.
And it's a VIP.
Oh, Liam, love, I need a favour.
I've got the VIP in my salon and I need someone to do her nails.
I'll do 'em, no problem.
So I need you to You what? I do my Dad's nails all the time.
Do not mess about.
This is a VIP.
I can't have her leaving looking like she's been eating jam with her hands.
Seriously, I can do a French manicure, a reverse French manicure, European manicure Oh, my God, who'd have thought that behind that little, pasty, ginger face lies the mind of a genius.
Mwah.
Give me that bucket.
By the time we've finished with Mrs Simmonds, she'll be giving us five stars, not four.
Right.
Come on.
Oh, and by the way, your name's Sue.
Excuse me, what do you think you're doing? Just having a chat.
You can't be in here without an appointment.
I had an appointment this morning at eleven, but you weren't open.
I'm glad we got that cleared up.
Off you pop.
Come on.
But Lesley.
You must be Sue? Yeah, I'm a boy named Sue.
You know, like in that Johnny Cash song? Come on, Noreen, let's have you out of here.
We don't want any trouble.
That's my dad.
I do his nails as well.
Now, if you would kindly kick your shoes off and stick your trotters in this bucket.
What's in the bucket? Mongolian bottom feeders.
I'll pass, if you don't mind.
I'm not asking you to sit in it.
It's the latest thing.
Have you not seen them in Benidorm? I've been in my room writing.
Of course you have.
Well, what these little fish do is chew off all the hard, scabby, crusty bits off your feet.
You flatter me.
No, you won't flatten them.
They get out the way when you put your feet in.
Let me show you.
They appear to be dying.
No, they're just catching their breath.
They're a bit wiffy.
I've been out on the town and I haven't had a bath yet.
Oh.
Going anywhere nice on your holidays? So let me get this right.
You're asking us for a character reference? I'm afraid so.
My husband went to prison because of you.
I realise on the face of it, this does appear to be a slight testing of friendships.
I don't remember us being friends.
Hang on, Jacqueline, let's hear what he has to say.
Basically, the economic downturn has hit all areas, not least the Foreign Office.
My position here in Benidorm is in jeopardy of being replaced by a convoluted succession of penny-pinching underlings.
I haven't a clue what that means.
Good British people like yourselves, on holiday in Benidorm, who find themselves in crisis, will end up with no-one to turn to.
But surely we're the last people you should be asking for help, considering the circumstances.
Well, yes, it's just I need to present at least one case from the last 12 months, and well, let's just say it's been a slow year.
So basically, you're going to get sacked from your overpaid job of sitting on your bum, sipping pink gins in a big house, and you want us, who you helped get convicted of fraud, to save your job? You're right, I'm asking too much.
I'm so sorry to have disturbed you.
We'll do it.
What? Sorry? We'll be your character witnesses.
We'll save your job.
I'm not a heavily religious man, but while in prison two things were imprinted on my memory my number, Stewart 8369, and the quotation, 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'.
Luke 3,61.
No, Stewart 8369.
I have some forms I'll need you to fill in.
Can I invite you to the Consulate for a gin? Pink or otherwise? No, we prefer it here, thank you.
You're very welcome to drop by Neptune's this evening.
We could put you down for some karaoke.
But of course.
Until this evening.
Until this evening.
That was such a generous thing you just did.
Most men would have told him where to get off.
I'm not like most men.
Well, I've always said that.
Half an hour upstairs? Oh, yes! Mrs Simmonds, I trust you have enjoyed your stay at the Solana, Benidorm? Yes, although I'm not too sure that three people to help me with my luggage was completely necessary.
Nothing is too much trouble for a guest at the Solana Hotel.
Erm.
.
I trust you enjoyed your visit to our beauty salon? It was an experience.
Wonderful.
Now, I know you are a very busy lady, and you have another hotel to go on to, but I just wanted to confirm with you that, well, we did enough.
I don't see how you could have done more.
I know you've been holed up in our luxurious yet homely penthouse suite for most of the week, and you've barely spent a day enjoying all our little nooks and crannies, but I trust you will look upon our efforts favourably when assessing our facilities? I assume you take American Express? Oh, please.
That won't be necessary.
What do you mean by that? I mean, there's no charge.
Really? Well, if you agree that our hotel deserves a four-star rating, there's no charge.
Well, if there's no charge, I'll that agree you deserve a five-star rating! Let's not go mad.
They might smell a rat.
Well, then, if you're not going to let me pay I don't usually do this, but at least accept this with my good wishes.
Oh.
Well, I'm not much of a reader myself.
Thank you.
Mateo! See you again.
See you again.
And who knows, next time it could be a five.
Yes.
Bye.
Bye.
How did it go? Get the Brasso out, Lesley.
We might have another star to polish.
Oh, champion! Nice one! Excuse me.
Yes, what is it, Mr Dixon? I think it's about time that I revealed myself.
Oh, my God! Lesley! We've got a sex pest in reception.
Quickly! All right, pal! Stop struggling.
I've got your number.
I always had you down as a bit of a nonce.
Hey, crazy man! I tell you before.
Joyce, do you want me to throw this guy out? What on earth is wrong with you? Get off me! I'm just trying to find my business card.
Gerald Dixon, Hotel Assessor.
I'm here to give your annual star evaluation.
And finally, the lavatories.
Lavatories were of minimal standard, toilet paper, minimal standard, inadequate hand-drying facilities, and a forgettable atmosphere.
What kind of atmosphere do you expect? It's a toilet, not a wedding reception.
Despite all these findings, I have good news.
Do you? I'm a positive person with an optimistic outlook on life.
If you can assure me all the points will be acted upon Yes.
And I'm sticking out my neck a little here, but I will personally guarantee you retain your three-star status.
What? But you got through by the skin of your teeth, mind.
We didn't get our four stars? Four stars? Oh, my goodness me, no.
No, I'm afraid you're very wide of the mark as far as four stars are concerned.
I'm terribly sorry.
But you simply don't have the facilities.
Barbara Simmonds? What? Damn and blast.
I knew it was her! What are you talking about? Barbara Simmonds, the crime writer.
I called my wife this afternoon to say that I thought I'd spotted her, but she said, 'Don't be ridiculous, what would Barbara Simmonds be doing staying at a Solana hotel?' But of course, her new novel is supposed to be set in the Costa Del Crime.
She's been scouring the underbelly of Benidorm, and mixing with the unclean.
It all makes sense.
Awful hotel, but I can't fault the final bill.
Best wishes, Barbara Simmonds.
She never signed it? What? May I? Oh, my goodness.
This never happens.
Barbara Simmonds never signs her books.
I mean, simply never.
Well, I think Bill Clinton is rumoured to have one, and of course, there's a signed copy of Never A Lender in The Smithsonian, but oh, my goodness.
So, this could be worth a few quid? The monetary value is immaterial to a collector, but the prestige of having a signed Simmonds Plus this is What Sasha Did Next.
The book that made her a star.
Well, maybe the book that made Barbara Simmonds a star can make me one.
You, you're such a big star to me You're everything I wanna be But you're stuck in a hole And I want you to get out I don't know what there is to see But I know it's time for you to leave We're all just pushing along.
.
Where have you been? You said you were coming straight down.
I've been sitting here like a Billy-no-mates.
I was packing.
We're not going until tomorrow.
You haven't even started packing? Two bikinis and a pair of flip-flops? How long is that going to take to put in a carrier? You haven't enjoyed this holiday, have you? Of course I have.
It's been great.
And tonight I think I might get the icing on the cake.
Let it shine Stop being so hard on yourself It's not good for your health I know that you can change So clear your head and come round.
.
Here we are.
The last supper.
Don't be dramatic, Mother.
Who's being dramatic? We'll still be able to eat.
I'll remind you of that next week, when we're scrabbling in the dirt, begging for handouts.
I'll make everything all right.
Don't make me laugh.
You've always been the same - useless.
Less than useless, you're a liability.
And this time you've put the last nail in the coffin for all of us.
Michael, where are you going? Leave him.
He'll be all right.
Let's eat our dinner.
Four star accreditation awarded to The Solana, Benidorm, in recognition of attaining the required standard in food, services, entertainment and overall facilities.
Well, I don't know how you managed it.
If I'm honest, I didn't think you could.
But I take my hat off to you.
Is that what it is? Well, look at you! We are having five stars.
I have to look the part even on my night off.
Well, it's only four stars, but who knows, this time next year This is for you.
Oh, Liam.
Well, it's the first, but I dare say it won't be the last congratulations card.
It's not a congratulations card.
It's my resignation.
I can't tell you how much this means to me.
And I know this can't be an easy thing to do, considering the circumstances.
On the contrary, it's a pleasure.
One of the few CDs that I had in prison was that of the Irish tenor Josef Locke.
Jacqueline and I had the good fortune to have met him in the '70s.
Oh, yes, great pair of lungs on him.
My favourite song of his has always been If I can help somebody As I pass along Then my living Shall not be in vain I'd listen to that while lying on my top bunk after a particularly nasty beating from Mr Big.
A most poignant epigram, and one I shall certainly remember in my role as British Consul.
Hello, Donny.
We've been searching high and low for you.
Lenny.
I mean, Mr Chapman.
What on earth are you doing here? I thought you still had two years to serve.
Between you and me, Donny, I find serving a full sentence terribly inconvenient.
It interferes with my social life.
Trouble is, every time I've escaped from prison, I've stayed in the UK.
I like my home comforts.
And they've always tracked me down.
So then I thought, 'I know, come to Spain,' and where better to settle down than my little Donny's favourite all-inclusive? And of course, I'll still get my home comforts, because Donny knows how to look after me.
Don't you? I hope you booked them two weeks like you said.
Neville and I would hate to have to get our own drinks around the pool.
Who was that? That is Lenny Chapman, armed robber, grand larcenist and professional giver of misery and pain.
Also known as Mr Big.
Oh, no! I hope you're all enjoying the party atmosphere this evening at Neptune's.
We have a lot to celebrate here at the Solana, having just been awarded a four-star rating.
But it's not all good news.
I have to report the sad resignation of a much loved member of staff.
Liam.
Thankfully, he's not going very far, as he has just accepted an apprenticeship with Kenneth DuBeke, our multi-award-winning stylist at our four-star beauty salon, Blow'n'Go.
And now for our first karaoke song of the evening, and I think it's a very appropriate one, please welcome Michael Garvey.
This song has got really nice words.
I mean lyrics.
And I wanted to sing it tonight cos well, I want my Dad to know I want my whole family, my nana, my mam, but especially my dad, to know that we can get through anything.
Because we always have done.
And no matter what happens, we'll always have each other.
When you walk Through a storm Hold your head Up high And don't Be afraid Of the dark.
.
How have you found your first full holiday without Roy? Troy.
Yeah.
I don't think a holiday on my own is right for me.
You've always got a cast-iron scrabble partner if you've brought someone with you.
This wasn't really a holiday on my own.
I came here to see Kenneth's new shop.
That's right.
So you and Roy will be back together here in Benidorm next year? Troy.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I think I may fancy something a little bit more exotic next year.
I thought Roy was Indian.
You don't get more exotic than that, do you? I was talking about the holiday.
Oh.
And you'll never walk Alone You'll never walk alone.
.
Hiya.
You all right? Yeah.
I suppose you saw me looking over here.
I did.
Sorry, bit obvious.
Well, we're all responsible adults.
I usually do two or three gigs a night, and have to dash.
I don't have a chance to give anyone my number.
You've got the chance now, haven't you? Yeah.
So where is she? Where's who? The girl you sit with.
Nice-looking.
Arm in plaster.
She's at the bar.
I'm on at Sandra's, so I'd better go.
Will you give her this? Why wouldn't I? Cheers.
At the end Of a storm.
.
Hey! Watch what you're doing! And the sweet.
.
What was going on there? I've no idea.
But I'm having their champagne.
Nice one.
To us.
Walk on through the wind.
.
Listen, you know that singer, he left you his number.
Did he? Yeah.
Here you go.
I'm all right, thanks.
He had to leave, cos he's singing at another club now.
If you wanna go, I'm fine here.
Don't be stupid, it's our last night.
For God's sake, don't treat me like a maiden aunt, It's make it worse.
Just go.
The club's called Sandra's.
All inclusive! Are you really not interested? No, he's a bit cheesy, isn't he? I don't know.
I didn't get the chance to find out.
You'll never walk.
.
I'd like to propose a toast.
To the Solana.
All four stars of it.
To the Solana.
Solana.
The Solana! You'll never walk Alone
Do you know, you have got a lovely face.
Why the horrible hair? It's like crispy seaweed.
Oh, I shouldn't have said that.
I'm regretting that beef fu yung.
Yeah.
Aye.
All right.
You've got beautiful eyes, but you can hardly see 'em.
Why don't you come in and let me do a lovely number two all over your head? What? Where are you going? Oh, God, no.
I meant a number two haircut.
I'm an hairdresser.
Oh.
Bed.
Excuse me, young man, you couldn't tell me which hotel's the Solana? Er yeah.
This one here with Solana written down it.
Oh, yeah.
Sort those out, will you, Neville? No problem.
My apologies.
Reading is neither my, or my associate's, strong point.
Neither is brushing your teeth.
Morning.
Oh You're up and about early.
Now, I'm glad I've bumped into you, because I have a hair appointment at 11 o'clock, and I wondered if I could move it a bit earlier.
No, I'm sorry, love.
I've had to cancel all my appointments today.
I'm very ill.
Oh.
Have you just come back from the chemist? No.
Cafe Benidorm.
Oh, are they not doing coffees in here yet? No.
Cafe Benidorm is a nightclub.
But it's eight o'clock in the morning.
That's trapped wind, that is.
Not anymore.
That's why your stomach is so enormous.
You need to get indoor, get on the loo and have a ruddy good trump.
When you've quite finished dispensing your medical advice, I wonder if you'd kindly get out of my way so me and my enormous stomach can get to bed? I didn't mean to be rude.
And I'd pick your feet up if I were you, cos if it is wind and it blows as I walk past you, you'll spend the rest of your morning walking back from Albir.
Mick, what's going on? Wait till your mother gets here.
Have you killed someone? Don't be stupid.
Why else would you get us up at eight for a family meeting? I don't even know what a family meeting is.
You do now, cos we're having one.
What the frig is this all about? It's eight o'clock in the morning.
If this family meeting doesn't involve the words Euro millions, there's gonna be trouble.
Have you all finished? Whatever it is you want to say, just hurry up and tell us.
Right.
Does anyone want a drink first? No! No! Just get on with it! He has killed someone.
Shut up.
When I had to stay behind to sort out the sun bed shop that had the fire, I didn't tell you the whole story.
Them cheap sun bed tubes that caught fire in the Pickering Road branch, well I put 'em in all the shops.
The morning you lot flew out to Benidorm there was another four fires.
Oh, another four sun beds caught fire? No.
The other four shops.
Mick, this isn't funny.
I know it isn't.
By dinner time, all five of Mel Madge's our sun bed shops had burnt to the ground.
Nobody was hurt, unbelievably.
But there's more.
Oh God, I don't even know how to say this.
We weren't insured.
Of course we're insured.
Don't be stupid.
You never paid the insurance premium, did you? No.
We've got absolutely nothing.
And it's all my fault.
Less than nothing, in fact.
Why didn't you tell us before? Because he's nothing but a spineless animal.
Someone who's gone through life never thinking about anyone but himself.
That's not true.
Well, what can I say? Well done, Mick.
You've left us all without a pot to piss in.
Everything my Mel worked for in his life, you've managed to destroy.
You've managed to make his life pointless, and my life worthless.
I regret the day I ever set eyes on you.
I think that went quite well, all things considered.
Kenneth.
Kenneth.
Oh, come on, Kenneth.
Keep it together.
There is something I need to tell you.
Open that door, will you, love? If I can't even manage to put my key in that lock in this state, I'm glad I didn't go home with Big Benny from The Carousel last night.
Last night, when you went clubbing, Joyce, she had the locks to the salon changed.
Why's that? Oh, we haven't been broken into, have we? Have them kids been nicking perming solution to sniff? What's wrong with glue? She say something about the rent.
You did not pay.
That's ridiculous.
My rent's due on the 12th.
What date does that say? Today is the 27th.
Oh, well, I'm only a few days late, I'm sure it can be sorted.
What the Get up! I know you're in there, you vile old witch.
You've gone too far this time.
Open this door! Argh! Si? Que quieres? Mira que hora es! Oh, my God.
Erm can I speak to, please? Vete! Que no es ingles.
Vete.
Argh! Yes? Can we help you? Bloody hell! How many of you are there in there? Jacqueline and I are staying with a few friends from the Benidorm Circus.
Nothing terribly heavy, just a contortionist, a couple of clowns and a Mexican animal trainer.
Was there anything else? What room number is this? I believe it's 602.
I think the number may have fallen off when we had to brace the door last night.
Sorry.
I need next door.
Not a problem.
Joyce? Joyce! Open this door now.
Do you hear me? Open this door! What in God's name do you think you're doing? I might very well say the same to you.
What have you done to my salon? I'm not discussing it here.
Oh, no, you don't, lady, we'll sort this out here and now.
Oh, my God.
When did this happen? When did what happen? When were you burgled? Erm Last night.
Oh, Jesus, I'd better go and check my apartment.
I'll see you downstairs.
It's not that bad.
Now, as you know, today, finally, we have our hotel star rating assessment.
That fourth star is so close I can practically taste it.
Are you gonna give us the heads' up when the assessor arrives? So we can make sure he's looked after.
The assessor is already here.
She arrived yesterday morning.
Thankfully, I'm not as stupid as you all look.
I have personally put her in the penthouse suite on the 21st floor.
Didn't know we had a penthouse.
Didn't know we had a 21st floor.
She's been enjoying room service ever since she arrived, but there is no way she can award us our four stars without checking all the facilities.
I can give her room service.
I don't mind her checking my facilities.
Mrs Simmonds is a very sophisticated woman.
I want you going absolutely nowhere near her.
Lesley, I'm appointing you to look after her.
Nay bother.
If any of the guests approach her, I want them removed from the building.
Right, I'm meeting her by the pool in ten minutes.
Class dismissed.
Temple-Savage, you bitch! I have just spent the last 15 minutes trying to get into my room.
Your belongings have been packed away and are in plastic bags in the store room.
Don't make a scene, Mr DuBeke.
I don't wish to involve the police.
The police? I'm two weeks late with my rent, not drowning holiday-makers in the pool, you drama queen.
Mr DuBeke, please lower your voice.
We have a hotel assessor in the building, and I do not wish to have a full-on cat fight in the middle of reception.
Don't you? Well, I bloody well do.
Argh! Arh! Ow! Ow! Ow! My jacket.
What have you done to my jacket? Argh! Ha! Look! Kenneth, what are you doing? I think he's upset about something.
You wrinkly old bag! Cow! My hair! My hair! My hair! Kenneth, he has, how you say? Lost his plot.
He's lost his bloody mind.
He's definitely lost his job.
Oh, my God.
My teeth! You've broken my front teeth! Now who needs the police? Now who needs the police, eh? If you want a rematch, just whistle.
If you can.
She's broken my teeth.
Where are they? Unbelievable.
I beg your pardon.
I wonder if I can have a moment of your time? Yeah? Are there any free day trips on today? Not that I know of.
Where do you wanna go? My associate Neville and I are looking for an old friend who we believe to be holidaying here.
Oh, aye? We can't find him, so we think he scaled the wall in a bid for freedom.
I'm so sorry to have troubled you.
Come, Neville.
A meander to the beach may be in order.
Bloody hell.
I think Neville was lucky to get time off from his job frightening kids to bed, don't you? Why don't we pretend I didn't tell you for another 24 hours? Stupid to ruin the last day of our holiday.
You haven't ruined the last day of our holiday.
You've ruined the rest of our lives.
Why didn't you tell us before? Because we'd have spent the whole holiday with faces like smacked arses.
He did the same thing to Nemo.
Who's Nemo? When I was seven I had a goldfish.
It died while I was at school.
But my Dad didn't tell me till I got home.
I spent the whole day thinking my pet goldfish was alive, but he wasn't.
He was dead.
But my dad didn't tell me.
Unbelievable.
One gin and tonic, very dry.
Which is more than can be said for you.
I'm so glad you enjoyed our little re-enactment of the battle between the Moors and Christians.
So that wasn't you having a fight with a large gay man who wanted to kill you? Oh, good gracious.
No, no.
That's Kenneth, our beauty salon stylist.
He likes to help out, you know.
I take it that's you telling me we've scored extra points for realism? Hello! British newspaper going begging, if anyone's interested.
Excuse me, would you mind leaving? Well, I was just asking - Lesley.
Security.
I'm sorry, pet.
I'm going to have to escort you outside.
What have I done wrong? It's only a newspaper.
I'm sorry about that.
Unfortunately, we have a lot of holiday-makers here at the moment.
Yes, I had noticed.
Another drink? I haven't had this one yet.
Well, have another one, anyway, completely gratis.
Mateo, another drink for Mrs Simmonds.
And a bowl of nibbles, if you please.
You mentioned Mateo's uncle roasts his own nuts, you know.
Really? Yes, well that can happen if one stands too close to the barbecue.
Oh, no, I mean peanuts.
He has a little stall on Oh, I see what you mean.
And a glass of water too, I think, Mateo.
Si, no problem.
Are you all right? Absolutely fine.
Now, are you sure there's nothing more we can do for you? Well, you mentioned a beauty salon? Yes.
Erm it's closed today, but I can guarantee it will be up and running first thing in the morning.
Oh, I'm checking out late this afternoon.
But not to worry.
I'm going on to a hotel in Alicante which has a four-star rating, so I'm sure they will be able to provide a manicure.
Oh, I Three months' free rent? Forget it.
Have you seen what you've done to me? I'm taking legal advice.
Three months' free rent, two new front teeth from my Swedish dentist in Al Faz, and unlimited use of the fax machine in reception.
Unlimited use of the fax machine? Who am I going to fax? I don't know anybody living in 1987.
Six months' free rent, two new teeth from the Swedish chef in Al Faz and No way.
Absolutely no way.
Think about it, Joyce.
How much do you want that fourth star? And how good would it look if you get it after being here one week? Four months' free rent, two new teeth, My final offer.
Done.
You can book Mrs La-di-dah in for this afternoon.
I'm going outside for a fag.
I want a taxi in five minutes to take me to Al Faz.
I'm going to see a man about some teeth.
Why don't we all go to the water park? My treat.
Your treat? Haven't you treated us all enough? Look, the point of being here is to get away from our problems.
Yeah, we've got a lot to deal with, but we're not home yet.
We've still got another day.
We should enjoy it.
How can we enjoy anything when you've left our lives in tatters? Because it's our choice.
It's up to us.
Don't you understand? What happens tomorrow will be the same whether we enjoy ourselves today or sit here miserable.
No, I don't understand.
Why is he talking in riddles? He's trying to wriggle out of what he's done.
I'm not trying to wriggle out of it.
I've messed up big time.
Bigger than anything before, and I've said sorry until I'm blue in the face.
Well, sometimes sorry just isn't good enough.
What do you suggest I do? Kill myself? Wouldn't be a bad idea.
All right.
That's enough.
Come here.
Why do you want Dad to kill himself? Why did you say that? Come and sit here.
I don't wanna sit there.
Nana, do you really want Dad to kill himself? It was his idea.
Think before you say things.
Don't you talk to me like that, or I'll tan your backside for you.
No, you won't.
You'll just sit there tanning yourself, being nasty to the people who look after you.
Look after me! That's a joke.
No, you're the joke.
My Dad said you say nasty things because you're old, like that's an excuse.
I've worked it out.
You say nasty things because you are nasty - simple as that.
Mick, get him and bring him here.
I'll cripple him.
Is that before or after he kills himself? I'll get him.
Do you want a cup of tea? Mam? Two sugars.
Drop of brandy in it.
You know when a family's got problems? When you can't have a civilized conversation without one of them flying off the handle.
I just don't feel this is my true vocation in life, Dad.
Nobody's saying it has to be, son.
We all do jobs from time to time to make ends meet.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life cleaning pools or fixing showers.
Oi! Mateo! Liam's thinking about leaving.
Tell him what a good job he's got.
You should keep this job.
See? You are too stupid to work anywhere else.
Thank you.
I am serious.
I have never met anyone as stupid as you, and most people I know are stupid.
Well, birds of a feather flock together.
Ha! You should not call them birds.
It is, how you say, bad politics.
Well, by all means, start looking for something else, but don't hand your notice in till you've got another job.
If I don't give up this job now, I might just stay in it forever.
Can you imagine the embarrassment of working here in your 40s? Or God forbid, your 50s? Or beyond.
That'd be just just sad.
Now, I wonder if I could trouble you for a Diet Cola with no ice and a slice of lime, please? Hang on a minute.
I'll just get my dad.
Dad? How old do I look? I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know? I mean, I'm not good at guessing ages.
You know how old I am.
Then why are you asking me? I'm not asking you how old I am, I'm asking you how old I look.
You don't look your age.
That's because I'm not.
What? I lie about my age.
So? Most people do.
By quite a lot.
You're not 50, are you? What? I don't know, you said 'a lot'.
Ooh, you nasty I'm spilling my drink! Now, now, girls, play nicely.
We're only messing! We had a saying when I was your age 'Make love, not war'.
All right, get up to the Bingo, start sniffing around someone your own age.
I was only Come on, Casanova, shift it.
Cheers, Lesley.
The one chance she gets this holiday to cop off with a younger fella, and you balls it up.
You cow! Well, how did you get on? What do you think? As colour matching goes, it's not what you'd call undetectable.
These are only temporary.
It's very confusing that you don't start every sentence with, 'What's up, Doc?'.
Oh, very funny.
What if I keep these front two this colour and then change all the others to match? Perfect.
Like the bastard love child of Susan Boyle and Simon Cowell.
Right.
I'd better be off.
I've got a VIP coming to the salon any minute now.
What's a VIP? VIP.
Very Important Person.
So I can't sit here gassing to you all day.
Oh, hello.
Oh, erm sorry about this morning.
Slight mix-up with the room numbers.
No bother at all, was it, Jacqueline? Oh, no.
Our door's always open to - well, anyone really.
Yeah, or anything, judging by the noises coming from your room.
Oh, you mean Adolfo.
Do I? Adolfo, the Mexican animal trainer.
He lost all his animals in a flash flood in the late '90s, and now he does animal impressions instead.
Very convincing.
Very.
Although I see you do animal impressions yourself.
What do you mean? Eeeerm, what's up, Doc! I wish people would stop saying that to me.
Hm.
Very busy in Ragtimes today.
You don't think we missed out on any special offer, do you? Oh, I hope not.
Excuse me, do you mind if my wife and I nudged up against you? Mr and Mrs Stewart.
I've finally tracked you down.
Again.
Hot Bovril.
Not for me, thanks.
I've just had a gin and tonic.
I mean your hair.
I can look at somebody and know exactly what they'd suit.
And you looked at me and thought Hot Bovril? It's a new hair colour.
Although I think Hot Bovril might be a shade too dark.
What about going ginger? It didn't occur to me.
Mind you, you do have to be careful.
I had a woman in last week who went for Honeycomb Shimmer.
Very thin, pale-faced woman with a short crop and a nasty pin stripe waistcoat.
She left looking like Steve Davis the snooker player.
I actually need a manicure.
A manicure? Yes.
That's not a problem.
I'll go and fetch Sue.
You don't seem very convinced.
No, no, it's not a problem.
I'm sure she's around here somewhere.
Can I get you a complimentary beef tea while you're waiting? No, I'm fine, thank you.
One minute.
Mateo, I need you to do me a favour.
Another one? I am not your slave.
Oh, shut up.
I need you to go to the indoor market and see if Fat Sue's in her shop.
Fat who? Fat Sue.
She runs that nail bar just on the left as you go in.
It's called Get Nailed.
I am sorry, I cannot leave the desk.
We have a VPL in the hotel and I have to be here in case she rings down for something.
She's not gonna ring down, cos she's in my salon.
And it's a VIP.
Oh, Liam, love, I need a favour.
I've got the VIP in my salon and I need someone to do her nails.
I'll do 'em, no problem.
So I need you to You what? I do my Dad's nails all the time.
Do not mess about.
This is a VIP.
I can't have her leaving looking like she's been eating jam with her hands.
Seriously, I can do a French manicure, a reverse French manicure, European manicure Oh, my God, who'd have thought that behind that little, pasty, ginger face lies the mind of a genius.
Mwah.
Give me that bucket.
By the time we've finished with Mrs Simmonds, she'll be giving us five stars, not four.
Right.
Come on.
Oh, and by the way, your name's Sue.
Excuse me, what do you think you're doing? Just having a chat.
You can't be in here without an appointment.
I had an appointment this morning at eleven, but you weren't open.
I'm glad we got that cleared up.
Off you pop.
Come on.
But Lesley.
You must be Sue? Yeah, I'm a boy named Sue.
You know, like in that Johnny Cash song? Come on, Noreen, let's have you out of here.
We don't want any trouble.
That's my dad.
I do his nails as well.
Now, if you would kindly kick your shoes off and stick your trotters in this bucket.
What's in the bucket? Mongolian bottom feeders.
I'll pass, if you don't mind.
I'm not asking you to sit in it.
It's the latest thing.
Have you not seen them in Benidorm? I've been in my room writing.
Of course you have.
Well, what these little fish do is chew off all the hard, scabby, crusty bits off your feet.
You flatter me.
No, you won't flatten them.
They get out the way when you put your feet in.
Let me show you.
They appear to be dying.
No, they're just catching their breath.
They're a bit wiffy.
I've been out on the town and I haven't had a bath yet.
Oh.
Going anywhere nice on your holidays? So let me get this right.
You're asking us for a character reference? I'm afraid so.
My husband went to prison because of you.
I realise on the face of it, this does appear to be a slight testing of friendships.
I don't remember us being friends.
Hang on, Jacqueline, let's hear what he has to say.
Basically, the economic downturn has hit all areas, not least the Foreign Office.
My position here in Benidorm is in jeopardy of being replaced by a convoluted succession of penny-pinching underlings.
I haven't a clue what that means.
Good British people like yourselves, on holiday in Benidorm, who find themselves in crisis, will end up with no-one to turn to.
But surely we're the last people you should be asking for help, considering the circumstances.
Well, yes, it's just I need to present at least one case from the last 12 months, and well, let's just say it's been a slow year.
So basically, you're going to get sacked from your overpaid job of sitting on your bum, sipping pink gins in a big house, and you want us, who you helped get convicted of fraud, to save your job? You're right, I'm asking too much.
I'm so sorry to have disturbed you.
We'll do it.
What? Sorry? We'll be your character witnesses.
We'll save your job.
I'm not a heavily religious man, but while in prison two things were imprinted on my memory my number, Stewart 8369, and the quotation, 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'.
Luke 3,61.
No, Stewart 8369.
I have some forms I'll need you to fill in.
Can I invite you to the Consulate for a gin? Pink or otherwise? No, we prefer it here, thank you.
You're very welcome to drop by Neptune's this evening.
We could put you down for some karaoke.
But of course.
Until this evening.
Until this evening.
That was such a generous thing you just did.
Most men would have told him where to get off.
I'm not like most men.
Well, I've always said that.
Half an hour upstairs? Oh, yes! Mrs Simmonds, I trust you have enjoyed your stay at the Solana, Benidorm? Yes, although I'm not too sure that three people to help me with my luggage was completely necessary.
Nothing is too much trouble for a guest at the Solana Hotel.
Erm.
.
I trust you enjoyed your visit to our beauty salon? It was an experience.
Wonderful.
Now, I know you are a very busy lady, and you have another hotel to go on to, but I just wanted to confirm with you that, well, we did enough.
I don't see how you could have done more.
I know you've been holed up in our luxurious yet homely penthouse suite for most of the week, and you've barely spent a day enjoying all our little nooks and crannies, but I trust you will look upon our efforts favourably when assessing our facilities? I assume you take American Express? Oh, please.
That won't be necessary.
What do you mean by that? I mean, there's no charge.
Really? Well, if you agree that our hotel deserves a four-star rating, there's no charge.
Well, if there's no charge, I'll that agree you deserve a five-star rating! Let's not go mad.
They might smell a rat.
Well, then, if you're not going to let me pay I don't usually do this, but at least accept this with my good wishes.
Oh.
Well, I'm not much of a reader myself.
Thank you.
Mateo! See you again.
See you again.
And who knows, next time it could be a five.
Yes.
Bye.
Bye.
How did it go? Get the Brasso out, Lesley.
We might have another star to polish.
Oh, champion! Nice one! Excuse me.
Yes, what is it, Mr Dixon? I think it's about time that I revealed myself.
Oh, my God! Lesley! We've got a sex pest in reception.
Quickly! All right, pal! Stop struggling.
I've got your number.
I always had you down as a bit of a nonce.
Hey, crazy man! I tell you before.
Joyce, do you want me to throw this guy out? What on earth is wrong with you? Get off me! I'm just trying to find my business card.
Gerald Dixon, Hotel Assessor.
I'm here to give your annual star evaluation.
And finally, the lavatories.
Lavatories were of minimal standard, toilet paper, minimal standard, inadequate hand-drying facilities, and a forgettable atmosphere.
What kind of atmosphere do you expect? It's a toilet, not a wedding reception.
Despite all these findings, I have good news.
Do you? I'm a positive person with an optimistic outlook on life.
If you can assure me all the points will be acted upon Yes.
And I'm sticking out my neck a little here, but I will personally guarantee you retain your three-star status.
What? But you got through by the skin of your teeth, mind.
We didn't get our four stars? Four stars? Oh, my goodness me, no.
No, I'm afraid you're very wide of the mark as far as four stars are concerned.
I'm terribly sorry.
But you simply don't have the facilities.
Barbara Simmonds? What? Damn and blast.
I knew it was her! What are you talking about? Barbara Simmonds, the crime writer.
I called my wife this afternoon to say that I thought I'd spotted her, but she said, 'Don't be ridiculous, what would Barbara Simmonds be doing staying at a Solana hotel?' But of course, her new novel is supposed to be set in the Costa Del Crime.
She's been scouring the underbelly of Benidorm, and mixing with the unclean.
It all makes sense.
Awful hotel, but I can't fault the final bill.
Best wishes, Barbara Simmonds.
She never signed it? What? May I? Oh, my goodness.
This never happens.
Barbara Simmonds never signs her books.
I mean, simply never.
Well, I think Bill Clinton is rumoured to have one, and of course, there's a signed copy of Never A Lender in The Smithsonian, but oh, my goodness.
So, this could be worth a few quid? The monetary value is immaterial to a collector, but the prestige of having a signed Simmonds Plus this is What Sasha Did Next.
The book that made her a star.
Well, maybe the book that made Barbara Simmonds a star can make me one.
You, you're such a big star to me You're everything I wanna be But you're stuck in a hole And I want you to get out I don't know what there is to see But I know it's time for you to leave We're all just pushing along.
.
Where have you been? You said you were coming straight down.
I've been sitting here like a Billy-no-mates.
I was packing.
We're not going until tomorrow.
You haven't even started packing? Two bikinis and a pair of flip-flops? How long is that going to take to put in a carrier? You haven't enjoyed this holiday, have you? Of course I have.
It's been great.
And tonight I think I might get the icing on the cake.
Let it shine Stop being so hard on yourself It's not good for your health I know that you can change So clear your head and come round.
.
Here we are.
The last supper.
Don't be dramatic, Mother.
Who's being dramatic? We'll still be able to eat.
I'll remind you of that next week, when we're scrabbling in the dirt, begging for handouts.
I'll make everything all right.
Don't make me laugh.
You've always been the same - useless.
Less than useless, you're a liability.
And this time you've put the last nail in the coffin for all of us.
Michael, where are you going? Leave him.
He'll be all right.
Let's eat our dinner.
Four star accreditation awarded to The Solana, Benidorm, in recognition of attaining the required standard in food, services, entertainment and overall facilities.
Well, I don't know how you managed it.
If I'm honest, I didn't think you could.
But I take my hat off to you.
Is that what it is? Well, look at you! We are having five stars.
I have to look the part even on my night off.
Well, it's only four stars, but who knows, this time next year This is for you.
Oh, Liam.
Well, it's the first, but I dare say it won't be the last congratulations card.
It's not a congratulations card.
It's my resignation.
I can't tell you how much this means to me.
And I know this can't be an easy thing to do, considering the circumstances.
On the contrary, it's a pleasure.
One of the few CDs that I had in prison was that of the Irish tenor Josef Locke.
Jacqueline and I had the good fortune to have met him in the '70s.
Oh, yes, great pair of lungs on him.
My favourite song of his has always been If I can help somebody As I pass along Then my living Shall not be in vain I'd listen to that while lying on my top bunk after a particularly nasty beating from Mr Big.
A most poignant epigram, and one I shall certainly remember in my role as British Consul.
Hello, Donny.
We've been searching high and low for you.
Lenny.
I mean, Mr Chapman.
What on earth are you doing here? I thought you still had two years to serve.
Between you and me, Donny, I find serving a full sentence terribly inconvenient.
It interferes with my social life.
Trouble is, every time I've escaped from prison, I've stayed in the UK.
I like my home comforts.
And they've always tracked me down.
So then I thought, 'I know, come to Spain,' and where better to settle down than my little Donny's favourite all-inclusive? And of course, I'll still get my home comforts, because Donny knows how to look after me.
Don't you? I hope you booked them two weeks like you said.
Neville and I would hate to have to get our own drinks around the pool.
Who was that? That is Lenny Chapman, armed robber, grand larcenist and professional giver of misery and pain.
Also known as Mr Big.
Oh, no! I hope you're all enjoying the party atmosphere this evening at Neptune's.
We have a lot to celebrate here at the Solana, having just been awarded a four-star rating.
But it's not all good news.
I have to report the sad resignation of a much loved member of staff.
Liam.
Thankfully, he's not going very far, as he has just accepted an apprenticeship with Kenneth DuBeke, our multi-award-winning stylist at our four-star beauty salon, Blow'n'Go.
And now for our first karaoke song of the evening, and I think it's a very appropriate one, please welcome Michael Garvey.
This song has got really nice words.
I mean lyrics.
And I wanted to sing it tonight cos well, I want my Dad to know I want my whole family, my nana, my mam, but especially my dad, to know that we can get through anything.
Because we always have done.
And no matter what happens, we'll always have each other.
When you walk Through a storm Hold your head Up high And don't Be afraid Of the dark.
.
How have you found your first full holiday without Roy? Troy.
Yeah.
I don't think a holiday on my own is right for me.
You've always got a cast-iron scrabble partner if you've brought someone with you.
This wasn't really a holiday on my own.
I came here to see Kenneth's new shop.
That's right.
So you and Roy will be back together here in Benidorm next year? Troy.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I think I may fancy something a little bit more exotic next year.
I thought Roy was Indian.
You don't get more exotic than that, do you? I was talking about the holiday.
Oh.
And you'll never walk Alone You'll never walk alone.
.
Hiya.
You all right? Yeah.
I suppose you saw me looking over here.
I did.
Sorry, bit obvious.
Well, we're all responsible adults.
I usually do two or three gigs a night, and have to dash.
I don't have a chance to give anyone my number.
You've got the chance now, haven't you? Yeah.
So where is she? Where's who? The girl you sit with.
Nice-looking.
Arm in plaster.
She's at the bar.
I'm on at Sandra's, so I'd better go.
Will you give her this? Why wouldn't I? Cheers.
At the end Of a storm.
.
Hey! Watch what you're doing! And the sweet.
.
What was going on there? I've no idea.
But I'm having their champagne.
Nice one.
To us.
Walk on through the wind.
.
Listen, you know that singer, he left you his number.
Did he? Yeah.
Here you go.
I'm all right, thanks.
He had to leave, cos he's singing at another club now.
If you wanna go, I'm fine here.
Don't be stupid, it's our last night.
For God's sake, don't treat me like a maiden aunt, It's make it worse.
Just go.
The club's called Sandra's.
All inclusive! Are you really not interested? No, he's a bit cheesy, isn't he? I don't know.
I didn't get the chance to find out.
You'll never walk.
.
I'd like to propose a toast.
To the Solana.
All four stars of it.
To the Solana.
Solana.
The Solana! You'll never walk Alone