Benidorm (2007) s06e05 Episode Script
Series 6, Episode 5
Good morning! Morning.
Good morning.
You're both up very early.
Oh, yes.
Jacqueline and I are both early risers, aren't we? You certainly are! Mm-hm! What you do in the privacy of your own room Oh, we're expecting quite a large package today.
As I say, what you do in the privacy - Oh.
I'm sorry.
You mean a delivery? Yes.
Do you know if it's arrived? Sorry, I'm not working today.
You'll have to ask one of my extremely efficient members of staff.
Don't worry, I'll ask this one.
We're expecting a rather large package.
I wonder if you could keep an eye open? Oh, I always do.
It's Mr and Mrs Stewart, isn't it? It is.
Nee bother, I'll let you know when it's here.
We think it's gonna be an absolute whopper.
So we may need a hand with it, if you know what I mean? Leave it to me.
Many thanks.
Is it just me or does everything those two say sound like absolute filth? Your car should be here in 15 minutes, Mrs Temple-Savage.
Thank you, Les.
Now you're sure you're going to cope without me? Being the manager of this place, even for three days, is quite a responsibility, you know.
Manageress, you mean.
I just have to pick up my best wig from Blow And Go, do my make-up, and people won't realise it's not you.
How lovely that - I beg your pardon? I mean, the level of service and that.
Oh, right.
Now don't forget, I've been told by head office to start looking for an assistant manager.
Now is the time to impress.
Assistant manager? Go on, get your skates on.
Right.
Erm I was thinking about probably not using the roller skates, to be honest.
It's quite difficult to give someone a ticking off when you're falling arse over tit.
No, I meant hurry up.
Oh, right! Yes, right, on my way.
And Mrs Temple-Savage, I don't know where you're going on your little break, but whoever he is, he's a very lucky man.
You look stunning.
Well one occasionally tries to make an effort.
Sorry! Are you getting up or what? I just want another half hour.
I'm on holiday, for God's sake.
It just seems a complete waste of time lying in bed when there's gorgeous sunshine out there.
Tonya - It's not as if this is the last word in luxury in here.
That bed could be used as Medieval torture.
Tonya - I realise you had a lot to drink last night, but why you want to lie festering in that pit any longer than you have to is a complete mystery - Tonya! Turn out the light and close the door on your way out.
The bulb's gone.
Good.
Shall I tell the front desk? Clive.
Clive.
For God's sake! Will you leave me alone? Miss Temple-Savage, your taxi has been waiting.
Yes, I know.
I've had to change again thanks to Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee out there.
Who? Never mind.
Mrs Temple-Savage, do you know your car's waiting for you? What on earth are you wearing? I had Kenneth refresh my best wig for Lesley, but I can't get into Blow And Go till it's open.
In the meantime, someone should try and refresh that suit.
Looks like something they gave my father after the war.
Oh, don't you worry.
As soon as it's open, I'll be looking a million dollars.
All in loose change.
Right, I'm off.
Have a wonderful time.
Oh, don't forget, Les.
This time next month, who knows? You could be assistant manager.
You really think so? This is your chance to shine.
And with great office comes great responsibility.
Here are the keys for the vending machines.
I don't know what to say.
Hasta luego.
Er, any problems, call me.
Just go.
Luego.
I'm coming Right, I want this reception area tidied up.
It's an absolute disgrace.
There's nothing wrong with it.
I want to be able to eat my dinner off this counter.
Why don't you just use a plate? Or are they also in Blow And Go? Now let's get one thing straight, Mateo.
You and me might be mates, but there's a new boss in town.
Yes.
And he's being an arsehole.
Les, what is wrong with you? Is wearing men's clothes making you upset? Now let's get one thing clear.
While Joyce is away, what I say, goes.
It's either my way or the highway.
What do you think you're doing? You know there's no smoking inside.
It's not lit.
Don't split hairs with me! How's that splitting hairs? Are you gonna have a go at him for having 20 unlit cigs in his pocket? I assume that's a packet of 20 or are you just pleased to see me? That's enough! Right, you get this whole reception area cleaned, and you get that salon opened.
Hang on a minute.
Who's died and left you a personality in their will? They also left him that suit.
Shut up! While Joyce is away, I am acting assistant manager.
There's only one thing you're acting, love.
And that's a complete dickhead.
Now kindly excuse me while I stroll into Benidorm and enjoy my ciggie.
Don't worry, I'll make sure I'm at least the Poniente Beach before I spark up.
What time are you gonna open this salon? Shove it! "My way or the highway.
" I think he chose the highway.
Where's my mam? Gone to get your nana.
Didn't get any asleep again last night with her coughing.
I'm sure she appreciates your concern (!) You're not hanging about with your mate today? Nah, he's not really my mate.
You're joking? You've been stuck to him like shit to a blanket since you got here.
And what does that mean? Doesn't mean anything.
And watch that tone of voice of yours.
You might think you're a tough guy but your wrists still go all the way up your arms.
And you think that's a reason to pick on me? Who's picking on you? You.
You're always picking on me.
Oh, Michael.
Do us all a favour, go back to bed and get up again when you've stopped behaving like a dickhead.
Sick to death of you talking to me like I'm a little kid.
Stop acting like one.
And if you think I'm ever coming on holiday with you again, you're wrong.
Oh no, what am I gonna do with all that spare money (?) Buy some clothes that suit your age? Morning.
Fab t-shirt! Come on, Mam.
Half the day's gone already.
You sleep all right? Not really.
I know what you mean.
If it gets any hotter, I'll have to set my alarm to wring my knickers out.
Is it the first today? Yeah.
Pinch, punch, the first of the month.
First of August.
Yeah.
Are you ready? That cough's no better, is it? Oh God, Mother.
What is it you want? Water? Cough sweets? I don't know what it is you're pointing at.
Do you want me to get the doctor? Cigs.
I want my cigs.
Oh, that's better.
Right.
Let's get you outside.
Bit of fresh air won't do you any harm, either.
Mother! Yeah I'm on my way out.
Urgh! Excuse me.
Erm, do you have another table? Table non bien Si.
Come.
Oh! Muchas gracias.
Thank you.
Oh, right.
Thank you.
Er, no, there's a Urgh Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Hey! What do you think you're doing? It's your father - I mean, your mother.
Whatever he is, he told me to find the key.
Liam! There you are, I've been trying to phone you.
I need my best wig for Lesley.
It's gonna be so nice.
You're gonna look amazing.
I need it now so I can get changed and get on with my job.
Oh, well, it won't be here till this afternoon.
I sent it to Alicante to get it done professionally.
You're supposed to be professionals.
You said it was important.
It's important that I have that wig now! I can't believe right! I want all HODs in my office in 15 minutes.
What are HODs? You haven't got an office.
Heads of department! In the manager's office.
My office, whilst Joyce is away.
Oh, now it is "Joyce"? What happened to "Miss Temple-Savage"? I'll have none of your lip or you're for the high jump.
My office, 15 minutes.
Oh my God When did my dad turn into Goebbels? His face does not look like a gerbil.
It's more like an angry pig.
Can you make this quick? I've got a corkscrew perm to relax at 1:00.
I was hoping to get a couple of hours sun in before then.
Close your clapper.
I'll be having words with you at the end.
Don't you threaten me with a good time! Since my recent promotion it has come to my notice that everyone at The Solana needs to up their game.
You have not been promoted.
You're just covering for Miss Temple-Savage while she's on holiday.
Exactly.
And you only got that cos you've been brown-nosing her so much over the past fortnight.
The end of your nose looks like a Werther's Original.
One more word out of you and I'll cut off your electric.
You wouldn't dare! Try me.
Right.
Now we all understand each other, let it be known - "Let it be known"? Who do you think are? Jesus? Come on, out of all of them I thought you'd be on my side.
But I'm just saying - Leave it, Liam.
He's like a woman possessed.
Let it be known that I will be making detailed inspections on all departments as the day goes on.
Starting with housekeeping, moving onto bar areas, pool areas and The Solana's hair and beauty salon Blow And Go.
That's if I'm lucky enough to find it open! Mr Les, please may I ask one question? You may.
We have had a call from a Mr Norman Wisdom.
Apparently he wants his suit back.
Oh my God! How do you know about Norman Wisdom? I used to love all his movies when I was a bambino.
My favourite one - All right, that's enough.
Mr Castellanos, you're on a final warning.
Mr Du Beke, stay here.
The rest of you, move it.
I've got my eye on you.
And I've got your £400 wig on its way from Alicante.
So just calm yourself down or I might have to ring them couriers and get them to send it on a little diversion.
You wouldn't dare.
Try me.
Don't mess with a queen, Les.
You might just end up with a royal shafting.
How are you feeling now, Mam? Better now you're in the sun.
Yeah.
Much better.
Where's our Michael? He went off in a sulk.
I bet your mother's got an opinion about what caused that.
I've not seen our Michael today.
I'm sure he'll be all right.
Any sign of your missing scooter, Madge? You had the perpetrators hunted down and burnt at the stake yet? It'll only be kids messing.
I'm sure they'll bring it back when they're finished with it.
Anybody want a drink? I'm off to the bar.
I'll get them, Mam.
No, don't worry.
It'll be nice to stretch my legs.
Back in a minute.
It looks like Madge.
It sounds like Madge.
It even smells like Madge, but .
.
what the hell's going on? I don't know.
Oh, Beverley.
Should we go somewhere else? We're sitting right next to - Don't move.
Sit down.
Is everything all right? Don't speak.
Just stay exactly as you are.
I've never seen the sunlight dancing in someone's eyes quite that way before.
I think they're a bit glassy.
Had quite a late night last night.
Don't say a word.
What a fool I've been to wait this long before meeting up again.
Well, I know you're a busy - Ssh.
No words.
Just let me drink you in.
Such poise.
Such elegance.
Such - What is that smell? That's what I've been trying to say.
I think we should move away from that bin.
Beverley Westwood.
Hello? Speak! No.
How many times have I told you? The hotel offers no discounts whatsoever.
So what if they've been married 50 years.
Stick an umbrella in their Ovaltine.
I'm sorry, Joyce.
Where was I? Erm something about poise and elegance.
Oh, yeah.
Such poise.
Such elegance.
I knew when we first met - Oh for crying out loud.
Speak! No, she can't have tomorrow morning off.
I don't care if her father has died.
If she calls in sick, fire her.
I'm sorry about that.
Running a hotel can really get in the way of one's social life.
But I don't need to tell you that.
Well, Beverley, is there anywhere - Can I ask you a question, Joyce? Yes.
I know we've only been speaking on the phone for a few days, but I feel a real connection.
Do you? I do.
And I was wondering if you'd like to come over to my hotel? Well, as I said on the phone, I'd be very interested to see - What is it now? No! What is wrong with you people? I've been away for less than an hour! Hello? Hello? Bloody battery.
Have you got a phone? Erm, yes.
Somewhere.
Load of rubbish in here Diego, can I use your phone? Senor? Senor.
Here.
Cyril.
Joyce! Mikey! What's going on? Nothing.
Fancy coming for a wander? - No, I don't.
- "No, I don't.
" Just leave me alone.
Everytime I hang around with you, I get in trouble.
I could say the same thing about you.
Just go away.
Listen, Mikey, you don't seem to have too many friends around here.
You should be thankful you've got me as a mate.
Thankful? Thanks to you I've got a tattoo, my nan's scooter got trashed, nearly got caught selling drugs and lost all my holiday money.
They weren't drugs, they were tanning pills.
I got your money back for you, you ungrateful - You lads all right? Yeah.
Yes, sweet, Mrs G.
I was just gonna nip out and get a newspaper.
Oh.
I didn't think reading was your strong point.
Off you pop, then.
You stand there gawping much longer and that haircut's in danger of coming back into fashion.
Yeah.
Yeah, cool Erm .
.
see you later, Mikey.
You know, I've not really noticed before, but he's a bit of a dick that lad, in't he? Yeah, just a bit.
Do you fancy a swim? Yeah, all right.
Come on.
Housekeeping.
Disgusting.
Oh dear.
What are you doing?! What do you want? Get off me! Let me go! What are you doing? I'm trying to get off you! What the hell's going on here? Don't just stand there! I'm sorry, but I have no intention of finishing off whatever he started.
Tonya.
Where are you going? Don't be ridiculous! Oh! She's arrived! Here she is.
The last remains of Big Donna.
May she rest in pieces.
When I think of how full of life she was, what a way to end up.
Well, every cloud has a silver lining.
The last time she sat on someone's knee, they ended up with a fractured thigh bone.
So we're taking Donna on one last day out.
Absolutely.
She always said she'd get to Benidorm.
We're gonna send her off in style! Mateo, you can't sneak us a big bottle of water, can you? We're off to the beach.
You cannot go to the beach with your father being this crazy.
It is like the cats leaving the sinking ship.
I think you mean mice.
OK, the cats leaving the sinking mice.
Whatever.
I'm still going to be left alone.
Come on, what are you waiting for? Mateo won't give us a bottle of water.
You can have the water.
I'm just jealous you're going to the beach.
Come with us, then.
I cannot.
I'm on a final warning.
From who? From Les.
I think you're mad.
He's got absolutely no power over us.
If this was the '70s, someone would blow a whistle and be, "Everybody out!" What does this mean? I don't know.
It means we need a union.
And then when we're treated unfairly all the staff walk out until the management meets our demands.
Are you giving us a bottle of water or am I gonna have to drink from that shower thing the kids wash their feet with? Enjoy the beach.
Ssh.
Cheers, gorgeous.
See you later.
Bye.
Luego.
I think one quick cocktail before we head off, n'est ce pas? Oh, yes.
Pink Pussies all round, please.
Two Pink Pussies, no problem.
Three, actually.
One for our friend Donna.
She's never been to Benidorm before.
While I was in Thailand I set up a dance company with some of the people I met in prison.
Prison? A complete misunderstanding.
I was taking a short cut across a field when an old groin strain flared up.
I was giving it a good rub when next thing I knew, I've got two months in a Thai prison for worrying a farmer's cattle.
Anyway, I set up this dance group.
They were mainly pensioners.
It combined elements of traditional Thai dance and circus acrobatics.
Our finale was the human pyramid.
The idea being to get over the prison wall.
Well, I got over the wall, but the pyramid collapsed, killing five pensioners and Chairman Mao.
Chairman Mao? The prison cat.
I went from Thailand's premier choreographer to public enemy number one in one admittedly graceful leap.
You don't have much luck, do you? So I came to Spain to look for a job, but, well, as you can see, things haven't worked out.
Why didn't you come to me? So many reasons.
Pride.
Dignity.
Not being able to scrape together enough money for a can of Right Guard.
But listen to me rattling on.
You were waiting for someone.
No, I wasn't.
Well I was, but let's go for a walk.
Are you sure? I think you'll be doing me a favour.
Sorry about that.
A barrel of monkeys could do a better job Joyce? Joyce? These are very grave accusations you're making, Mr Dyke.
Are you sure it was a member of staff? How else would he have got into my room? You might have left the door open.
He came into the room and launched himself onto me.
Now I don't think that was the case.
How do you know? Well you don't look like someone who's been launched upon.
Don't worry, I soon pulled him off.
Well, that would certainly send him running.
OK, I've got all the details.
Young lad, in his 30's.
"Young lad"? I didn't say that.
He was a right old ugly bastard.
Really? Oh, yeah.
He was like a fat goblin bearing down on me.
Can you imagine that? Not really.
And he had this weird accent.
Actually, now I come to think of it, he sounded a bit like you.
Where are you from? Me? I'm originally from Tunbridge Wells although I did spend quite a lot of time on the Costas.
Right, well, I'll certainly file this complaint and if we hear any more, we'll let you know.
Wasn't your hair a different colour yesterday? I do believe that's a lady's prerogative.
Bloody nylon rubbish! What's going on? I thought we came on holiday to get some sun.
What are we doing sitting in here? It's a family meeting, Michael.
It's nice in here, in't it? Didn't know they had somebody playing the piano during the day.
Right, let's get this sorted out.
What have you done with Madge? What are you talking about? Mick - You're one of them dopplegangers, aren't you? I once saw a Hammer House Of Horror film like this.
In a minute, we're all gonna wake up in the back of an ambulance in the 1970s.
I haven't a clue what you're talking about.
None of us have, Mother.
We just wanted to check that .
.
well, that you're feeling OK.
I'm OK.
It's just that What? What they want to know is why are you being so nice? Nice? Yeah, it's freaking everybody out.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm just enjoying being on holiday with my family.
Look what I found! You got it! You got it back! Where was it? It was just left outside.
I knew they'd bring it back.
It was just some kids having a bit of fun.
Here you are, son.
Are you sure you can remember the combination of the lock on that purse? No, please, Mrs G.
I wouldn't dream of taking money from you.
I'm just happy you got your scooter back.
Actually, it's Mrs H.
Thank you very much.
No problem.
Mikey.
What a lovely lad.
Restores your faith in human kindness, doesn't it? Ola.
Can I help you? Yeah.
Do you know why this place is never open? Yes.
The owner, he has a problem.
What's the problem? He is how you say? Fat and lazy.
Brilliant! But maybe I can help you.
How do you mean? Well, I am a barman but I also work part-time as a hair stylist.
Really? Yes.
Just not today.
May I? Ah, yes, yes.
Beautiful hair.
Yes.
I think you would suit a .
.
'chopitos.
' What's that? It's a very fashionable style that goes around your ears and your neck What the hell do you think you're doing? Nothing.
Is this man bothering you? He said he was a hairdresser? That one? A hairdresser? He thinks a finger wave is something you do for foreplay.
OK, I'm not a hairdresser, but you don't have to be a farmer to stroke a cow.
What? Oh, right.
Well, I'm afraid our award-winning salon isn't open at the moment, but if you'd like to come back later Is that it? I'm sorry? You're not gonna sack him? Well, it's just - I want to see the manager.
He is the manager.
I mean, she is.
I have just been intimidated and harassed and humiliated by a member of your staff, and you ain't gonna do nothing about it? I could have a field day with this, you know.
Now I don't think that's necessary.
"No win, no fee", and all that.
Look, I'm sure we can sort this out.
So sort it.
Mateo you're sacked.
What? I'm sorry, Mateo.
She's right.
You'll have to collect your things.
You're sacked.
You cannot sack me.
I am the manageress and you're sacked.
Fine.
I go.
I do not need to work for no crazy drag queen.
I'll tell Joyce you said that.
I was talking about you.
We're running a very tight ship here.
Oh, that was a bit of a climb! And one worth every step.
Just look at that view.
Oh, yes.
Shall I say a few words? That'll be lovely.
Dearest Donna, you were more than a friend.
More than a woman.
In fact, as in the words of the great Lionel Ritchie, you were quite literally three times a lady.
Incredibly popular.
Amazingly talented.
One of the few women I knew who could open a bottle of ketchup without the use of her hands.
Till we meet again, dear Donna.
Rest in peace.
Rest in peace.
What on earth's wrong? Her head! They didn't cremate her head! You know what this reminds me of? As if I could forget.
Stolen moments together.
Faliraki, '91, '92.
Your wife wasn't stupid.
She knew I had feelings for you.
When Genevieve was on her deathbed, she said she had a confession.
I said I did, too.
And I told her how much time you and I had spent together during that season and those afternoons of ice cream and kisses.
Oh my goodness.
What was her confession? For the last ten years of our marriage, she'd bought Happy Shopper instant coffee and put it in a Nescafe jar.
I think being honest with each other brought us closer together for her last few hours.
Strange how fate keeps throwing us together, Joyce.
Maybe it's a sign.
A sign we shouldn't ignore.
You're dribbling.
I can't really help it.
It's been some time.
No, I mean your ice cream.
Oh, oh! Now this is what I call a day off.
Definitely.
Oh my God.
Look at that.
Unless it's a six-foot Brazilian gymnast emerging from the sea in nothing but a see-through thong, I am not opening my eyes.
It's Joyce Temple-Savage snogging a tramp.
There are, however, exceptions.
Oh, God! Where do we go from here, Joyce? I'm not sure.
We could always have a quick paddle.
No, I mean in our relationship.
In the talent show of life it feels as if we're about to go through to the judge's houses.
I beg your pardon? Marry me, Joyce.
Let's own the stage together.
Let's make the song our own.
It's a "yes" from me! What have I done? It's a head! Oh my God, it's somebody's head! What is it? It's my dad's wig.
What on earth is going on? It's my dad's wig.
These courier companies are getting very slapdash.
Why isn't your salon open? We've just been waiting for our delivery.
Come on, Liam.
Where the bloody hell did that come from? I have no idea.
It wasn't a head? No, it was a wig.
I think it's time I went back to work.
Come on, you could have a bath.
Inocente! Inocente! Mateo, this has all got out of hand.
Did you not see me winking? You sacked me.
I have witnesses.
Oh for God's sake.
Mr Castellanos, is it true you deny all the allegations of harassment against you? I have spoken to my solicitor and the one thing I can say to you is these 'allegrations' put inside me are a huge phallus.
Don't you mean 'fallacy'? Whatever.
It's five Euros an hour.
And as much fizzy pop and crisps as you can eat.
I'm not seven.
It's all inclusive, anyway.
Look, are you in or are you out? Yeah, I'm in.
Where do you want these? Behind that bar.
Then I need you to go on reception with young Michael.
No problem.
Come on then, get your finger out.
Isn't that what you said to the bloke you've just sacked? I love a demonstration.
I for one think it's disgusting.
Up the workers, I say.
Especially that cute one at the end.
What's your stance on the situation? It's an absolute farce, innit? I mean What are we demonstrating about? I have been sacked by Lesley.
What? You're joking? It was bound to happen, wasn't it? She was a five foot hormonal dam waiting to burst, that one.
Meanwhile, despite this ongoing dispute, Kenneth Du Beke's world-famous hair and beauty emporium, Blow And Go, will be open for business throughout.
Come to Blow And Go just inside the Hotel Solana.
You'll be glad you did.
Mateo, what on earth is going on? Ask Lesley.
She's the one who sacked me.
Hey, Squirrel.
Long time, no see.
Are you OK? Mrs Temple-Savage, do you have any comment? Oh! Oh my God! She most certainly does not! Give the lady some space, please.
Listen, Mikey, I don't know why you're scared of me.
I'm not scared of you.
I'm just sick of getting into trouble.
Just having a bit of fun, mate.
But I know what you mean.
Things did start to get a bit hairy.
Truce? Truce.
Nice one.
Oh.
And I know that's not my nana's scooter.
It's one you've just stolen.
Yeah, well, as long as she's happy.
Yeah, Solana.
What do you want? Mrs Temple-Savage.
What are you doing here? What the hell's going on? We're just experiencing a minor staff malfunction, but I've got everything under control.
Under control? It's like a scene from Oliver!! Get Mateo and those workers back in here and get rid of these children now! But, Mrs Temple-Savage - Now! There you go.
Special delivery.
What have you done to it? Come on, let's get to a telly.
I hope they don't make me look fat.
Lesley! Hello, I'd like to book a single room for a - For goodness sake, get away from that desk! Go on, get away.
Joyce, this is absolute chaos.
I know.
I leave the place for half a day and look at it.
It's ridiculous, you trying to run this whole place single-handed.
I know.
I had my eye on Lesley as assistant manager but after this she'll be lucky if I keep her on mopping floors.
What? What is it? Of course.
You could do it! I appreciate the offer, but mopping floors isn't exactly my - Cyril, I wouldn't ask you to mop a floor.
I'm talking about assistant manager.
Joyce, I I don't know what to say.
Let's get you cleaned up.
I'm going to put you in the bridal suite.
It's got a four-speed jacuzzi and I could always come in and .
.
wash your back for you.
Let's not rush into things, Joyce.
It's been a while since I've been intimate with anyone.
I need a while to, well get my bearings.
Get your bearings? I think I'll need a map and compass.
What a day this has been What a rare mood I'm in Why, it's almost like being in love What a day.
I know.
Drink up, I've ordered another two.
Purely medicinal, of course.
It didn't even look like Donna.
You don't think they sent the wrong person, do you? How many times do I have to tell you? That was a representation of Donna.
It's very Egyptian including a bust of yourself along with your last worldly goods.
How do you know so much about all this? Old Necro Norris the undertaker was very knowledgeable about these matters.
And from the way that I feel Mr and Mrs Stewart? Yes? This box came for you today, but nobody could find you.
Hello? Did you hear me? Yes, yes.
Er, sorry, erm Thank you.
No problem.
Thank you! See you all again after the break.
Take it, Dave.
I'm sorry, Mrs Temple-Savage.
I don't know what came over me.
People being assaulted in their rooms, child labour, a staff walkout.
Holiday makers being propositioned in communal areas! Now that was Mateo - No, Lesley.
It was your responsibility under YOUR watch.
That's what working in management is all about.
When I was under Richard Branson and things got hard, I never tried to wriggle out of it.
The thing is, Lesley, some were born to lead while others merely to follow.
I'll get us a table.
I'm sorry, Mrs Temple-Savage.
I suppose that assistant manager job's out the window.
I'm sorry, Lesley.
You've more chance of becoming Miss Benidorm 2013.
I think I'd better get pressing a bit of flesh.
Aren't you and Mr Babcock going to have dinner first? I'm talking about appeasing our clientele.
I'm sorry.
That was absolutely lovely.
I thought that chicken was a bit dry.
Yeah, it was horrible.
They're catering for a lot of people.
I think they do a smashing job.
Do you want to go out for a cig, Mam? - No, I'm stopping.
- What?! What do you mean, stopping? I'm stopping smoking.
Ooh, look.
Sponge and custard! It's like an old people's home in here.
This is officially the worst holiday I've ever had.
Think yourself lucky.
At least you didn't get groped by a dirty old man today.
Didn't I? Who in their right mind would grope you? Shut up.
What are you talking about, baby? I knew they wouldn't sack him.
Wouldn't sack who? Bianca! What's been going on? I said I don't want to talk about it! Now look what you've done.
"Dear Donald and Jacqueline.
Please find enclosed the last remains of dear departed Donna.
Give her a good send off, guys.
" So, if these are Donna's ashes, what was that we tipped into the sea today? I don't know.
But I'm not sure I can go through all that again.
Me neither.
Let's finish our dinner, sleep on it, and decide what to do with her in the morning.
Yeah.
It's no good, I can't get a minute to myself in here.
I'd say let's go somewhere else, but as you know, I'm absolutely broke.
Cyril? Yes, Joyce? Would you like to have your pudding in my room? I haven't seen what's on offer yet.
I think you know exactly what's on offer.
Joyce.
I've been calling you all afternoon.
Oh.
I don't have my phone with me.
Cyril, this is Beverley Westwood.
He manages the Hotel Alberta.
Look, I'm sorry about this lunchtime.
I came out of the restaurant and you must have gone to the loo.
Unfortunately, I had to head back to the hotel.
But I've completely cleared my diary for this evening.
I'm sorry, Beverley.
This evening isn't convenient.
I've booked a table at The Belroy.
I'm sorry, Beverley.
I don't think you quite understand.
Do you know how difficult it is to get a table at The Belroy? No, my friend.
I don't think YOU understand.
Who's he? Now please, Beverley.
Don't make a scene.
Hang on a minute, I recognise you.
Didn't I have you thrown out of the grounds of my hotel last week for going through the bins? I very much doubt it.
So this is what you're turning me down for, Joyce? A dirty old tramp? Say that again.
Gladly.
A dirty old desperate embarrassing tramp! You have ten seconds to leave, before you get a bloody good pasting.
You what? You couldn't paste a roll of wallpaper! Boys, boys, please Where do you think you're going? I didn't do anything, I swear.
Didn't do anything? My daughter is absolutely inconsolable! Mum, just leave it! Is he the one that touched you? OK, so maybe I touched her hair, but this was all - You touched my daughter's hair? What kind of a pervert are you? Excuse me! We can't see the stage! Come on, just calm it down.
Get out of my way! You, me, outside, now! Don't worry.
I'll look after this one.
Ow! Come here, you! Well, I suppose I should let you know what's going on.
What? You're right.
I have had what you might call a different outlook on life recently.
And for good reason.
Go on.
Well, I've kept it to myself, but .
.
five months ago to the day, I went to see Dr Kundu.
And well .
.
he gave me six months to live.
I probably should have told you.
You! It was you in my room! This place is full of perverts! Don't give us none of your aggravation We've had it with your discipline Saturday night's all right for fighting
Good morning.
You're both up very early.
Oh, yes.
Jacqueline and I are both early risers, aren't we? You certainly are! Mm-hm! What you do in the privacy of your own room Oh, we're expecting quite a large package today.
As I say, what you do in the privacy - Oh.
I'm sorry.
You mean a delivery? Yes.
Do you know if it's arrived? Sorry, I'm not working today.
You'll have to ask one of my extremely efficient members of staff.
Don't worry, I'll ask this one.
We're expecting a rather large package.
I wonder if you could keep an eye open? Oh, I always do.
It's Mr and Mrs Stewart, isn't it? It is.
Nee bother, I'll let you know when it's here.
We think it's gonna be an absolute whopper.
So we may need a hand with it, if you know what I mean? Leave it to me.
Many thanks.
Is it just me or does everything those two say sound like absolute filth? Your car should be here in 15 minutes, Mrs Temple-Savage.
Thank you, Les.
Now you're sure you're going to cope without me? Being the manager of this place, even for three days, is quite a responsibility, you know.
Manageress, you mean.
I just have to pick up my best wig from Blow And Go, do my make-up, and people won't realise it's not you.
How lovely that - I beg your pardon? I mean, the level of service and that.
Oh, right.
Now don't forget, I've been told by head office to start looking for an assistant manager.
Now is the time to impress.
Assistant manager? Go on, get your skates on.
Right.
Erm I was thinking about probably not using the roller skates, to be honest.
It's quite difficult to give someone a ticking off when you're falling arse over tit.
No, I meant hurry up.
Oh, right! Yes, right, on my way.
And Mrs Temple-Savage, I don't know where you're going on your little break, but whoever he is, he's a very lucky man.
You look stunning.
Well one occasionally tries to make an effort.
Sorry! Are you getting up or what? I just want another half hour.
I'm on holiday, for God's sake.
It just seems a complete waste of time lying in bed when there's gorgeous sunshine out there.
Tonya - It's not as if this is the last word in luxury in here.
That bed could be used as Medieval torture.
Tonya - I realise you had a lot to drink last night, but why you want to lie festering in that pit any longer than you have to is a complete mystery - Tonya! Turn out the light and close the door on your way out.
The bulb's gone.
Good.
Shall I tell the front desk? Clive.
Clive.
For God's sake! Will you leave me alone? Miss Temple-Savage, your taxi has been waiting.
Yes, I know.
I've had to change again thanks to Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee out there.
Who? Never mind.
Mrs Temple-Savage, do you know your car's waiting for you? What on earth are you wearing? I had Kenneth refresh my best wig for Lesley, but I can't get into Blow And Go till it's open.
In the meantime, someone should try and refresh that suit.
Looks like something they gave my father after the war.
Oh, don't you worry.
As soon as it's open, I'll be looking a million dollars.
All in loose change.
Right, I'm off.
Have a wonderful time.
Oh, don't forget, Les.
This time next month, who knows? You could be assistant manager.
You really think so? This is your chance to shine.
And with great office comes great responsibility.
Here are the keys for the vending machines.
I don't know what to say.
Hasta luego.
Er, any problems, call me.
Just go.
Luego.
I'm coming Right, I want this reception area tidied up.
It's an absolute disgrace.
There's nothing wrong with it.
I want to be able to eat my dinner off this counter.
Why don't you just use a plate? Or are they also in Blow And Go? Now let's get one thing straight, Mateo.
You and me might be mates, but there's a new boss in town.
Yes.
And he's being an arsehole.
Les, what is wrong with you? Is wearing men's clothes making you upset? Now let's get one thing clear.
While Joyce is away, what I say, goes.
It's either my way or the highway.
What do you think you're doing? You know there's no smoking inside.
It's not lit.
Don't split hairs with me! How's that splitting hairs? Are you gonna have a go at him for having 20 unlit cigs in his pocket? I assume that's a packet of 20 or are you just pleased to see me? That's enough! Right, you get this whole reception area cleaned, and you get that salon opened.
Hang on a minute.
Who's died and left you a personality in their will? They also left him that suit.
Shut up! While Joyce is away, I am acting assistant manager.
There's only one thing you're acting, love.
And that's a complete dickhead.
Now kindly excuse me while I stroll into Benidorm and enjoy my ciggie.
Don't worry, I'll make sure I'm at least the Poniente Beach before I spark up.
What time are you gonna open this salon? Shove it! "My way or the highway.
" I think he chose the highway.
Where's my mam? Gone to get your nana.
Didn't get any asleep again last night with her coughing.
I'm sure she appreciates your concern (!) You're not hanging about with your mate today? Nah, he's not really my mate.
You're joking? You've been stuck to him like shit to a blanket since you got here.
And what does that mean? Doesn't mean anything.
And watch that tone of voice of yours.
You might think you're a tough guy but your wrists still go all the way up your arms.
And you think that's a reason to pick on me? Who's picking on you? You.
You're always picking on me.
Oh, Michael.
Do us all a favour, go back to bed and get up again when you've stopped behaving like a dickhead.
Sick to death of you talking to me like I'm a little kid.
Stop acting like one.
And if you think I'm ever coming on holiday with you again, you're wrong.
Oh no, what am I gonna do with all that spare money (?) Buy some clothes that suit your age? Morning.
Fab t-shirt! Come on, Mam.
Half the day's gone already.
You sleep all right? Not really.
I know what you mean.
If it gets any hotter, I'll have to set my alarm to wring my knickers out.
Is it the first today? Yeah.
Pinch, punch, the first of the month.
First of August.
Yeah.
Are you ready? That cough's no better, is it? Oh God, Mother.
What is it you want? Water? Cough sweets? I don't know what it is you're pointing at.
Do you want me to get the doctor? Cigs.
I want my cigs.
Oh, that's better.
Right.
Let's get you outside.
Bit of fresh air won't do you any harm, either.
Mother! Yeah I'm on my way out.
Urgh! Excuse me.
Erm, do you have another table? Table non bien Si.
Come.
Oh! Muchas gracias.
Thank you.
Oh, right.
Thank you.
Er, no, there's a Urgh Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Hey! What do you think you're doing? It's your father - I mean, your mother.
Whatever he is, he told me to find the key.
Liam! There you are, I've been trying to phone you.
I need my best wig for Lesley.
It's gonna be so nice.
You're gonna look amazing.
I need it now so I can get changed and get on with my job.
Oh, well, it won't be here till this afternoon.
I sent it to Alicante to get it done professionally.
You're supposed to be professionals.
You said it was important.
It's important that I have that wig now! I can't believe right! I want all HODs in my office in 15 minutes.
What are HODs? You haven't got an office.
Heads of department! In the manager's office.
My office, whilst Joyce is away.
Oh, now it is "Joyce"? What happened to "Miss Temple-Savage"? I'll have none of your lip or you're for the high jump.
My office, 15 minutes.
Oh my God When did my dad turn into Goebbels? His face does not look like a gerbil.
It's more like an angry pig.
Can you make this quick? I've got a corkscrew perm to relax at 1:00.
I was hoping to get a couple of hours sun in before then.
Close your clapper.
I'll be having words with you at the end.
Don't you threaten me with a good time! Since my recent promotion it has come to my notice that everyone at The Solana needs to up their game.
You have not been promoted.
You're just covering for Miss Temple-Savage while she's on holiday.
Exactly.
And you only got that cos you've been brown-nosing her so much over the past fortnight.
The end of your nose looks like a Werther's Original.
One more word out of you and I'll cut off your electric.
You wouldn't dare! Try me.
Right.
Now we all understand each other, let it be known - "Let it be known"? Who do you think are? Jesus? Come on, out of all of them I thought you'd be on my side.
But I'm just saying - Leave it, Liam.
He's like a woman possessed.
Let it be known that I will be making detailed inspections on all departments as the day goes on.
Starting with housekeeping, moving onto bar areas, pool areas and The Solana's hair and beauty salon Blow And Go.
That's if I'm lucky enough to find it open! Mr Les, please may I ask one question? You may.
We have had a call from a Mr Norman Wisdom.
Apparently he wants his suit back.
Oh my God! How do you know about Norman Wisdom? I used to love all his movies when I was a bambino.
My favourite one - All right, that's enough.
Mr Castellanos, you're on a final warning.
Mr Du Beke, stay here.
The rest of you, move it.
I've got my eye on you.
And I've got your £400 wig on its way from Alicante.
So just calm yourself down or I might have to ring them couriers and get them to send it on a little diversion.
You wouldn't dare.
Try me.
Don't mess with a queen, Les.
You might just end up with a royal shafting.
How are you feeling now, Mam? Better now you're in the sun.
Yeah.
Much better.
Where's our Michael? He went off in a sulk.
I bet your mother's got an opinion about what caused that.
I've not seen our Michael today.
I'm sure he'll be all right.
Any sign of your missing scooter, Madge? You had the perpetrators hunted down and burnt at the stake yet? It'll only be kids messing.
I'm sure they'll bring it back when they're finished with it.
Anybody want a drink? I'm off to the bar.
I'll get them, Mam.
No, don't worry.
It'll be nice to stretch my legs.
Back in a minute.
It looks like Madge.
It sounds like Madge.
It even smells like Madge, but .
.
what the hell's going on? I don't know.
Oh, Beverley.
Should we go somewhere else? We're sitting right next to - Don't move.
Sit down.
Is everything all right? Don't speak.
Just stay exactly as you are.
I've never seen the sunlight dancing in someone's eyes quite that way before.
I think they're a bit glassy.
Had quite a late night last night.
Don't say a word.
What a fool I've been to wait this long before meeting up again.
Well, I know you're a busy - Ssh.
No words.
Just let me drink you in.
Such poise.
Such elegance.
Such - What is that smell? That's what I've been trying to say.
I think we should move away from that bin.
Beverley Westwood.
Hello? Speak! No.
How many times have I told you? The hotel offers no discounts whatsoever.
So what if they've been married 50 years.
Stick an umbrella in their Ovaltine.
I'm sorry, Joyce.
Where was I? Erm something about poise and elegance.
Oh, yeah.
Such poise.
Such elegance.
I knew when we first met - Oh for crying out loud.
Speak! No, she can't have tomorrow morning off.
I don't care if her father has died.
If she calls in sick, fire her.
I'm sorry about that.
Running a hotel can really get in the way of one's social life.
But I don't need to tell you that.
Well, Beverley, is there anywhere - Can I ask you a question, Joyce? Yes.
I know we've only been speaking on the phone for a few days, but I feel a real connection.
Do you? I do.
And I was wondering if you'd like to come over to my hotel? Well, as I said on the phone, I'd be very interested to see - What is it now? No! What is wrong with you people? I've been away for less than an hour! Hello? Hello? Bloody battery.
Have you got a phone? Erm, yes.
Somewhere.
Load of rubbish in here Diego, can I use your phone? Senor? Senor.
Here.
Cyril.
Joyce! Mikey! What's going on? Nothing.
Fancy coming for a wander? - No, I don't.
- "No, I don't.
" Just leave me alone.
Everytime I hang around with you, I get in trouble.
I could say the same thing about you.
Just go away.
Listen, Mikey, you don't seem to have too many friends around here.
You should be thankful you've got me as a mate.
Thankful? Thanks to you I've got a tattoo, my nan's scooter got trashed, nearly got caught selling drugs and lost all my holiday money.
They weren't drugs, they were tanning pills.
I got your money back for you, you ungrateful - You lads all right? Yeah.
Yes, sweet, Mrs G.
I was just gonna nip out and get a newspaper.
Oh.
I didn't think reading was your strong point.
Off you pop, then.
You stand there gawping much longer and that haircut's in danger of coming back into fashion.
Yeah.
Yeah, cool Erm .
.
see you later, Mikey.
You know, I've not really noticed before, but he's a bit of a dick that lad, in't he? Yeah, just a bit.
Do you fancy a swim? Yeah, all right.
Come on.
Housekeeping.
Disgusting.
Oh dear.
What are you doing?! What do you want? Get off me! Let me go! What are you doing? I'm trying to get off you! What the hell's going on here? Don't just stand there! I'm sorry, but I have no intention of finishing off whatever he started.
Tonya.
Where are you going? Don't be ridiculous! Oh! She's arrived! Here she is.
The last remains of Big Donna.
May she rest in pieces.
When I think of how full of life she was, what a way to end up.
Well, every cloud has a silver lining.
The last time she sat on someone's knee, they ended up with a fractured thigh bone.
So we're taking Donna on one last day out.
Absolutely.
She always said she'd get to Benidorm.
We're gonna send her off in style! Mateo, you can't sneak us a big bottle of water, can you? We're off to the beach.
You cannot go to the beach with your father being this crazy.
It is like the cats leaving the sinking ship.
I think you mean mice.
OK, the cats leaving the sinking mice.
Whatever.
I'm still going to be left alone.
Come on, what are you waiting for? Mateo won't give us a bottle of water.
You can have the water.
I'm just jealous you're going to the beach.
Come with us, then.
I cannot.
I'm on a final warning.
From who? From Les.
I think you're mad.
He's got absolutely no power over us.
If this was the '70s, someone would blow a whistle and be, "Everybody out!" What does this mean? I don't know.
It means we need a union.
And then when we're treated unfairly all the staff walk out until the management meets our demands.
Are you giving us a bottle of water or am I gonna have to drink from that shower thing the kids wash their feet with? Enjoy the beach.
Ssh.
Cheers, gorgeous.
See you later.
Bye.
Luego.
I think one quick cocktail before we head off, n'est ce pas? Oh, yes.
Pink Pussies all round, please.
Two Pink Pussies, no problem.
Three, actually.
One for our friend Donna.
She's never been to Benidorm before.
While I was in Thailand I set up a dance company with some of the people I met in prison.
Prison? A complete misunderstanding.
I was taking a short cut across a field when an old groin strain flared up.
I was giving it a good rub when next thing I knew, I've got two months in a Thai prison for worrying a farmer's cattle.
Anyway, I set up this dance group.
They were mainly pensioners.
It combined elements of traditional Thai dance and circus acrobatics.
Our finale was the human pyramid.
The idea being to get over the prison wall.
Well, I got over the wall, but the pyramid collapsed, killing five pensioners and Chairman Mao.
Chairman Mao? The prison cat.
I went from Thailand's premier choreographer to public enemy number one in one admittedly graceful leap.
You don't have much luck, do you? So I came to Spain to look for a job, but, well, as you can see, things haven't worked out.
Why didn't you come to me? So many reasons.
Pride.
Dignity.
Not being able to scrape together enough money for a can of Right Guard.
But listen to me rattling on.
You were waiting for someone.
No, I wasn't.
Well I was, but let's go for a walk.
Are you sure? I think you'll be doing me a favour.
Sorry about that.
A barrel of monkeys could do a better job Joyce? Joyce? These are very grave accusations you're making, Mr Dyke.
Are you sure it was a member of staff? How else would he have got into my room? You might have left the door open.
He came into the room and launched himself onto me.
Now I don't think that was the case.
How do you know? Well you don't look like someone who's been launched upon.
Don't worry, I soon pulled him off.
Well, that would certainly send him running.
OK, I've got all the details.
Young lad, in his 30's.
"Young lad"? I didn't say that.
He was a right old ugly bastard.
Really? Oh, yeah.
He was like a fat goblin bearing down on me.
Can you imagine that? Not really.
And he had this weird accent.
Actually, now I come to think of it, he sounded a bit like you.
Where are you from? Me? I'm originally from Tunbridge Wells although I did spend quite a lot of time on the Costas.
Right, well, I'll certainly file this complaint and if we hear any more, we'll let you know.
Wasn't your hair a different colour yesterday? I do believe that's a lady's prerogative.
Bloody nylon rubbish! What's going on? I thought we came on holiday to get some sun.
What are we doing sitting in here? It's a family meeting, Michael.
It's nice in here, in't it? Didn't know they had somebody playing the piano during the day.
Right, let's get this sorted out.
What have you done with Madge? What are you talking about? Mick - You're one of them dopplegangers, aren't you? I once saw a Hammer House Of Horror film like this.
In a minute, we're all gonna wake up in the back of an ambulance in the 1970s.
I haven't a clue what you're talking about.
None of us have, Mother.
We just wanted to check that .
.
well, that you're feeling OK.
I'm OK.
It's just that What? What they want to know is why are you being so nice? Nice? Yeah, it's freaking everybody out.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm just enjoying being on holiday with my family.
Look what I found! You got it! You got it back! Where was it? It was just left outside.
I knew they'd bring it back.
It was just some kids having a bit of fun.
Here you are, son.
Are you sure you can remember the combination of the lock on that purse? No, please, Mrs G.
I wouldn't dream of taking money from you.
I'm just happy you got your scooter back.
Actually, it's Mrs H.
Thank you very much.
No problem.
Mikey.
What a lovely lad.
Restores your faith in human kindness, doesn't it? Ola.
Can I help you? Yeah.
Do you know why this place is never open? Yes.
The owner, he has a problem.
What's the problem? He is how you say? Fat and lazy.
Brilliant! But maybe I can help you.
How do you mean? Well, I am a barman but I also work part-time as a hair stylist.
Really? Yes.
Just not today.
May I? Ah, yes, yes.
Beautiful hair.
Yes.
I think you would suit a .
.
'chopitos.
' What's that? It's a very fashionable style that goes around your ears and your neck What the hell do you think you're doing? Nothing.
Is this man bothering you? He said he was a hairdresser? That one? A hairdresser? He thinks a finger wave is something you do for foreplay.
OK, I'm not a hairdresser, but you don't have to be a farmer to stroke a cow.
What? Oh, right.
Well, I'm afraid our award-winning salon isn't open at the moment, but if you'd like to come back later Is that it? I'm sorry? You're not gonna sack him? Well, it's just - I want to see the manager.
He is the manager.
I mean, she is.
I have just been intimidated and harassed and humiliated by a member of your staff, and you ain't gonna do nothing about it? I could have a field day with this, you know.
Now I don't think that's necessary.
"No win, no fee", and all that.
Look, I'm sure we can sort this out.
So sort it.
Mateo you're sacked.
What? I'm sorry, Mateo.
She's right.
You'll have to collect your things.
You're sacked.
You cannot sack me.
I am the manageress and you're sacked.
Fine.
I go.
I do not need to work for no crazy drag queen.
I'll tell Joyce you said that.
I was talking about you.
We're running a very tight ship here.
Oh, that was a bit of a climb! And one worth every step.
Just look at that view.
Oh, yes.
Shall I say a few words? That'll be lovely.
Dearest Donna, you were more than a friend.
More than a woman.
In fact, as in the words of the great Lionel Ritchie, you were quite literally three times a lady.
Incredibly popular.
Amazingly talented.
One of the few women I knew who could open a bottle of ketchup without the use of her hands.
Till we meet again, dear Donna.
Rest in peace.
Rest in peace.
What on earth's wrong? Her head! They didn't cremate her head! You know what this reminds me of? As if I could forget.
Stolen moments together.
Faliraki, '91, '92.
Your wife wasn't stupid.
She knew I had feelings for you.
When Genevieve was on her deathbed, she said she had a confession.
I said I did, too.
And I told her how much time you and I had spent together during that season and those afternoons of ice cream and kisses.
Oh my goodness.
What was her confession? For the last ten years of our marriage, she'd bought Happy Shopper instant coffee and put it in a Nescafe jar.
I think being honest with each other brought us closer together for her last few hours.
Strange how fate keeps throwing us together, Joyce.
Maybe it's a sign.
A sign we shouldn't ignore.
You're dribbling.
I can't really help it.
It's been some time.
No, I mean your ice cream.
Oh, oh! Now this is what I call a day off.
Definitely.
Oh my God.
Look at that.
Unless it's a six-foot Brazilian gymnast emerging from the sea in nothing but a see-through thong, I am not opening my eyes.
It's Joyce Temple-Savage snogging a tramp.
There are, however, exceptions.
Oh, God! Where do we go from here, Joyce? I'm not sure.
We could always have a quick paddle.
No, I mean in our relationship.
In the talent show of life it feels as if we're about to go through to the judge's houses.
I beg your pardon? Marry me, Joyce.
Let's own the stage together.
Let's make the song our own.
It's a "yes" from me! What have I done? It's a head! Oh my God, it's somebody's head! What is it? It's my dad's wig.
What on earth is going on? It's my dad's wig.
These courier companies are getting very slapdash.
Why isn't your salon open? We've just been waiting for our delivery.
Come on, Liam.
Where the bloody hell did that come from? I have no idea.
It wasn't a head? No, it was a wig.
I think it's time I went back to work.
Come on, you could have a bath.
Inocente! Inocente! Mateo, this has all got out of hand.
Did you not see me winking? You sacked me.
I have witnesses.
Oh for God's sake.
Mr Castellanos, is it true you deny all the allegations of harassment against you? I have spoken to my solicitor and the one thing I can say to you is these 'allegrations' put inside me are a huge phallus.
Don't you mean 'fallacy'? Whatever.
It's five Euros an hour.
And as much fizzy pop and crisps as you can eat.
I'm not seven.
It's all inclusive, anyway.
Look, are you in or are you out? Yeah, I'm in.
Where do you want these? Behind that bar.
Then I need you to go on reception with young Michael.
No problem.
Come on then, get your finger out.
Isn't that what you said to the bloke you've just sacked? I love a demonstration.
I for one think it's disgusting.
Up the workers, I say.
Especially that cute one at the end.
What's your stance on the situation? It's an absolute farce, innit? I mean What are we demonstrating about? I have been sacked by Lesley.
What? You're joking? It was bound to happen, wasn't it? She was a five foot hormonal dam waiting to burst, that one.
Meanwhile, despite this ongoing dispute, Kenneth Du Beke's world-famous hair and beauty emporium, Blow And Go, will be open for business throughout.
Come to Blow And Go just inside the Hotel Solana.
You'll be glad you did.
Mateo, what on earth is going on? Ask Lesley.
She's the one who sacked me.
Hey, Squirrel.
Long time, no see.
Are you OK? Mrs Temple-Savage, do you have any comment? Oh! Oh my God! She most certainly does not! Give the lady some space, please.
Listen, Mikey, I don't know why you're scared of me.
I'm not scared of you.
I'm just sick of getting into trouble.
Just having a bit of fun, mate.
But I know what you mean.
Things did start to get a bit hairy.
Truce? Truce.
Nice one.
Oh.
And I know that's not my nana's scooter.
It's one you've just stolen.
Yeah, well, as long as she's happy.
Yeah, Solana.
What do you want? Mrs Temple-Savage.
What are you doing here? What the hell's going on? We're just experiencing a minor staff malfunction, but I've got everything under control.
Under control? It's like a scene from Oliver!! Get Mateo and those workers back in here and get rid of these children now! But, Mrs Temple-Savage - Now! There you go.
Special delivery.
What have you done to it? Come on, let's get to a telly.
I hope they don't make me look fat.
Lesley! Hello, I'd like to book a single room for a - For goodness sake, get away from that desk! Go on, get away.
Joyce, this is absolute chaos.
I know.
I leave the place for half a day and look at it.
It's ridiculous, you trying to run this whole place single-handed.
I know.
I had my eye on Lesley as assistant manager but after this she'll be lucky if I keep her on mopping floors.
What? What is it? Of course.
You could do it! I appreciate the offer, but mopping floors isn't exactly my - Cyril, I wouldn't ask you to mop a floor.
I'm talking about assistant manager.
Joyce, I I don't know what to say.
Let's get you cleaned up.
I'm going to put you in the bridal suite.
It's got a four-speed jacuzzi and I could always come in and .
.
wash your back for you.
Let's not rush into things, Joyce.
It's been a while since I've been intimate with anyone.
I need a while to, well get my bearings.
Get your bearings? I think I'll need a map and compass.
What a day this has been What a rare mood I'm in Why, it's almost like being in love What a day.
I know.
Drink up, I've ordered another two.
Purely medicinal, of course.
It didn't even look like Donna.
You don't think they sent the wrong person, do you? How many times do I have to tell you? That was a representation of Donna.
It's very Egyptian including a bust of yourself along with your last worldly goods.
How do you know so much about all this? Old Necro Norris the undertaker was very knowledgeable about these matters.
And from the way that I feel Mr and Mrs Stewart? Yes? This box came for you today, but nobody could find you.
Hello? Did you hear me? Yes, yes.
Er, sorry, erm Thank you.
No problem.
Thank you! See you all again after the break.
Take it, Dave.
I'm sorry, Mrs Temple-Savage.
I don't know what came over me.
People being assaulted in their rooms, child labour, a staff walkout.
Holiday makers being propositioned in communal areas! Now that was Mateo - No, Lesley.
It was your responsibility under YOUR watch.
That's what working in management is all about.
When I was under Richard Branson and things got hard, I never tried to wriggle out of it.
The thing is, Lesley, some were born to lead while others merely to follow.
I'll get us a table.
I'm sorry, Mrs Temple-Savage.
I suppose that assistant manager job's out the window.
I'm sorry, Lesley.
You've more chance of becoming Miss Benidorm 2013.
I think I'd better get pressing a bit of flesh.
Aren't you and Mr Babcock going to have dinner first? I'm talking about appeasing our clientele.
I'm sorry.
That was absolutely lovely.
I thought that chicken was a bit dry.
Yeah, it was horrible.
They're catering for a lot of people.
I think they do a smashing job.
Do you want to go out for a cig, Mam? - No, I'm stopping.
- What?! What do you mean, stopping? I'm stopping smoking.
Ooh, look.
Sponge and custard! It's like an old people's home in here.
This is officially the worst holiday I've ever had.
Think yourself lucky.
At least you didn't get groped by a dirty old man today.
Didn't I? Who in their right mind would grope you? Shut up.
What are you talking about, baby? I knew they wouldn't sack him.
Wouldn't sack who? Bianca! What's been going on? I said I don't want to talk about it! Now look what you've done.
"Dear Donald and Jacqueline.
Please find enclosed the last remains of dear departed Donna.
Give her a good send off, guys.
" So, if these are Donna's ashes, what was that we tipped into the sea today? I don't know.
But I'm not sure I can go through all that again.
Me neither.
Let's finish our dinner, sleep on it, and decide what to do with her in the morning.
Yeah.
It's no good, I can't get a minute to myself in here.
I'd say let's go somewhere else, but as you know, I'm absolutely broke.
Cyril? Yes, Joyce? Would you like to have your pudding in my room? I haven't seen what's on offer yet.
I think you know exactly what's on offer.
Joyce.
I've been calling you all afternoon.
Oh.
I don't have my phone with me.
Cyril, this is Beverley Westwood.
He manages the Hotel Alberta.
Look, I'm sorry about this lunchtime.
I came out of the restaurant and you must have gone to the loo.
Unfortunately, I had to head back to the hotel.
But I've completely cleared my diary for this evening.
I'm sorry, Beverley.
This evening isn't convenient.
I've booked a table at The Belroy.
I'm sorry, Beverley.
I don't think you quite understand.
Do you know how difficult it is to get a table at The Belroy? No, my friend.
I don't think YOU understand.
Who's he? Now please, Beverley.
Don't make a scene.
Hang on a minute, I recognise you.
Didn't I have you thrown out of the grounds of my hotel last week for going through the bins? I very much doubt it.
So this is what you're turning me down for, Joyce? A dirty old tramp? Say that again.
Gladly.
A dirty old desperate embarrassing tramp! You have ten seconds to leave, before you get a bloody good pasting.
You what? You couldn't paste a roll of wallpaper! Boys, boys, please Where do you think you're going? I didn't do anything, I swear.
Didn't do anything? My daughter is absolutely inconsolable! Mum, just leave it! Is he the one that touched you? OK, so maybe I touched her hair, but this was all - You touched my daughter's hair? What kind of a pervert are you? Excuse me! We can't see the stage! Come on, just calm it down.
Get out of my way! You, me, outside, now! Don't worry.
I'll look after this one.
Ow! Come here, you! Well, I suppose I should let you know what's going on.
What? You're right.
I have had what you might call a different outlook on life recently.
And for good reason.
Go on.
Well, I've kept it to myself, but .
.
five months ago to the day, I went to see Dr Kundu.
And well .
.
he gave me six months to live.
I probably should have told you.
You! It was you in my room! This place is full of perverts! Don't give us none of your aggravation We've had it with your discipline Saturday night's all right for fighting