Benidorm (2007) s07e01 Episode Script
Series 7, Episode 1
These sun beds are never-ending.
You really shouldn't be doing this at your age.
Is there no-one to help you, Dad? Not really.
With all these cutbacks we seem to be permanently short-staffed.
I'm the only one putting out these leaflets for Blow & Go.
Kenneth's been no help at all! I know you're busy but what about a helping hand? Aw! Thanks, Dad! That's very kind of you.
I'll see you later.
No, I meant Oh, bloody hell! Oh, for crying out loud! Oh, my God.
I am never drinking again.
Ohh Zack? Zack, are you in the bog? What? What's 'taught' mean? This one is Terra Mitica, is like theme park.
You like exciting rides? Not really.
Excuse me, I've got an emergency.
OK, then maybe this one for you.
Aqualandia, is a water park.
You like to get wet? No, my friend's allergic to water.
How can this be? Is anybody else here? I've been robbed! Please have some manners! For this one I can arrange discount for the very prettiest girls.
Give me your number and I call you.
Why don't you go? They do a discount for pensioners as well.
What? Mate, please, can you help me? What is that written on your head? I don't know.
I woke up like this.
Can I use your phone to call the UK? Are you crazy? I am on Pay When You Go.
Not your mobile! I mean the hotel one.
I've been robbed.
Everything's been taken.
My phone, wallet, money, credit cards.
Is there any way I could use your phone please? What's going on? Mateo, apparently the pool is covered in leaflets.
Could you sort it, please? Joyce Temple-Savage, Solana manageress, can I help you? He wants to use the phone.
I did not realise we are labelling all the guests in-du-vidually.
Is a good idea.
Mateo, the pool! I need to use your phone.
Please? We've overslept! There's only 15 minutes of breakfast left.
I'm gonna have a shower later.
Do you want me to save you a sausage bap? No, no, I'll be down in a minute.
I just need to rinse my contacts.
Glynn, I'm over here! Oh, right.
See you in a bit.
Come on, come on! Clive's phone.
Who's that? Is that Auntie Terri? What have I told you about calling me auntie? You are my auntie.
I don't look old enough to be your auntie.
You look old enough to be my gran! Where's my dad? Gone up the offie for me.
I'm still bad with my legs.
What's he doing at your house? He hates you! I forgot my mobile.
It just rang.
I think it's Tiger.
Tiger? Dad, can you send me some money? What's going on? I lost my wallet, cards, everything.
I need a couple of hundred euros.
Can't your mate lend you some? He's the one who took my wallet.
What's he saying? Shut up.
Dad? I'll come out to you.
What?! No! I mean, I don't want you and my mum being dragged out here.
I just need some money.
I never said your mum.
I said me.
They've had a row.
Shut up! She's chucked him out.
Go in the other room! No, I won't, this is my house.
She found knickers in the Land Rover and they weren't your dad's! That's absolute drivel and you know it, Terri! She didn't throw you out for nothing! I am trying to talk to my son! What did she just say? What's going on? I'll get the next flight out there.
I should be with you by tonight.
If I can't get a flight today.
I'll ring you.
Dad, why are you at Terri's? What's going on? I'll explain later.
What am I gonna do for money until you get here? Two words, son, "all inclusive".
I'll speak to you later.
You really don't let the truth get in the way of a good story! Did you get my vodka? Get it yourself.
Where you going? Luton Airport! Bastard! Three hours! Three hours on the coach to get from Alicante to Benidorm! Here we go again! They dropped that last couple off in Bridlington before we got here.
Don't exaggerate! Why did they drop us off last? The coach went past here three times.
I'll tell you why, Jonah Lomu here was elbowing people in the gob trying to get on the coach first.
It should be first, in first out.
How many times did I tell you?! If your bags go in the coach first, they're the last ones to come out! It's blatant racism.
How was it racism? Everyone on the coach was British! The driver wasn't.
Oh, for God's sake.
Mrs Harvey! Welcome back to paradise! Is everything all right? Your coach should have been here first thing.
Don't set her off! Can I have your passports? Oh, now There's been a fax for you Mrs H.
A fax? Aye, some solicitors or something.
I didn't read it, of course, but it did sound important especially the bit at the end where they say they've been trying to track you down for three years.
Three years?! What's all this about, Mam? It's nothing.
Christ, what has she done now? I've not done anything! Just mind your own business.
Can you hurry up with these rooms? If something's up, tell us.
Can you just leave me alone? I'll go.
I'll come with you.
Oh no, don't worry about me! I'm fine to sort everything out here.
"Dear Mrs Harvey, we are contacting you "as the only surviving relative of Mr Melvin Churchill Harvey.
" "This case has been open for several years now", blah blah, here we go.
"There has been considerable expense in researching this case "but we are willing to come to an arrangement "by payment of a percentage of any monies recovered" It's just a scam letter.
What did you get so upset about? It's just not nice! People using your dead husband's name to try and get money out of you.
No, it's not, and fancy sending it here! Let's have a look.
That's what's upset me.
I've had two letters at home but I ignored them.
Well, getting something here, it's like they're following me.
It says, "You are the only surviving relative "to the Collins family of Tucson, Arizona, USA.
" That's just rubbish! How can I be related to anyone American? There's no fat people with big gums in our family.
"Please contact me as a matter of great urgency.
"I am available on my personal cell phone 24/7.
"Yours sincerely, Mr Buck A Roo.
"Probate Attorney, Los Angeles California".
Let's have a look.
Buck A Roo! Are they taking the piss? What are his kids called? Twister and KerPlunk.
It's all right for you to laugh! It's not you they're following! Mam, it's just a scam and not a very convincing one by the sound of it.
Just ignore it and they'll go away.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
for a mobile phone number.
That means you can ring them at any time.
Well, it's still upset me.
I've got a way of resolving all this.
There you go, all sorted.
Now, if anyone wants me, I'll be in my office.
Lesley, is Blow & Go open yet? You've got to be joking.
It's nowhere near midday.
I've been calling Kenneth all morning.
What are you looking for, just a trim? You want us to give Liam a call? No, no, I need to speak to Kenneth.
It is, more, how you say? Personal.
Oh, you're not having one of them vajazzles, are you? What? Oh, no, they can't be that for men.
A pe-jazzle? I have no idea whichsoever what you are talking about.
Lesley, why are you behind this desk? It's where I work.
Well, some of the time.
I fired off a global this morning.
It'll be that prawn curry from last night.
I was fine but then I had the toad in the hole.
I fired off a global email instructing all staff of the time of their appraisals.
Oh, sorry.
You are ten minutes late.
My office, now.
Oi, Casanova! You're on in 15 minutes.
On what in 15 minutes? Hola.
Kenneth, Kenneth! I need to speak to you.
Wait here.
Kenneth, I need your help.
Right, hang on I'm in a little bit of a hurry.
Shhh! Right, let's have a look.
I have something I Shhh, shhh! No! Don't interrupt while the muse is upon me.
I see an '80s wedge in burnt sienna.
No! Wait! Number four crop, hint of a centre parting, bit like a soot-covered bog brush, otherwise known as a Simon Cowell.
Kenneth I No! I know.
A Mohican! You've got a whiff of Daniel Day Lewis about you already.
Mind you, not so much Last of The Mohicans, more My Left Foot.
Kenneth, please listen to me.
I have a big problem! That's Edith done up the camp site.
We've gone mobile.
Turn around, show him.
"Blow & Go mobile.
We bring the mountain to Mohammed.
" "All religions catered for.
" Kenneth, I need to speak with you.
I wanted to talk about this.
Don't you think it's racist? Racist?! It's the opposite! It means we do everybody.
You never seen me with pinking shears and an afro? How about "Blow & Go Mobile.
" "You do the dialling, we do the styling.
" That's too boring.
I did have one other.
"Don't leave the house.
We'll blow you right there.
" That's disgusting.
It's not, it's eye-catching! Kenneth! What do you want?! Hello? We're still waiting! Now I have to go.
Go on! We're not stopping you! Is anybody there? Honestly.
"Dial a do?" No! "Cut to the chase?" Shut up! So, you see, Lesley, with recent year-end cutbacks, and the ongoing financial crisis in Spain, Solana CEO Crystal Hennesey-Vass breathing down my neck like a bull mastiff with halitosis, my hands are tied.
I still don't understand.
You want me to help you with the staff cutbacks? That's exactly right.
Well, I mean, apart from your core team which you'll obviously want to keep, I can only think of Jesus in Maintenance and that girl in the kitchen with the dry skin and the onion chaser.
Onion chaser? Yeah, she's got no gnashers.
Apart from a single tooth in the front of her mouth.
I think her name's Juanita.
One eater! Sorry.
The staff cutbacks, to which I refer, include you.
Oh, for a minute I thought What?! I know what you're going to say, witch hunt.
What about Juanita? She looks much more like a witch than me.
No, I mean you are one of several members of staff whom we sadly have to let go.
I don't know what to say.
I love it here.
It's not just a job, it's my life.
But, when one door closes, another swings gently ajar.
We do have another position available.
It's less money Less money! How can it be less? I am trying to help you here, Lesley! I know you are As long as it's not cleaning.
I can't stand the thought of being on my hands and knees all day.
Not at my age.
Lesley, there you are! You will not believe what just happened to me.
Why are you dressed like a cleaner? Because I AM a bloody cleaner.
Temple-Savage sacked me then reinstated me as a cleaner.
She sacked me too, then offered me a job as junior barman.
Junior?! I am forty Almost forty.
How can they make me a junior? That woman's got more front than Blackpool.
What does this mean? I just mean she's got some brass neck to think she can get away with this whole set up being a sham.
Sham? Basically, she's now saving hundreds of euros a week.
I'll be a monkey's uncle if it's not going straight in her coffers! Wait a minute, I do not understand.
She's a crook, a swindler, a snake in the grass.
We've all been hoodwinked.
And people say they have a problem to understand me.
Incredible! I am sorry for you to wait, I have been demolished to junior barman so is very difficult for me.
You are OK? Yeah, yeah.
I'm fine.
Beer? No, mate.
I'm good.
We do a good breakfast lager.
I'll have an orange juice.
OK.
No problem.
Is your phone ever switched on? Hey! Mikey! Is everything all right? Not really.
I Facebooked you from the airport and sent a couple of texts.
I tried ringing you as well.
Drink for you? Coke, please.
Where's your mate? Zack? He's gone.
Left last night.
What? Gone home? I dunno.
He took my money, credit cards, everything.
What sort of mate is that? I only met him a week before we came to Benidorm.
I don't know where he lives.
I even lent him the money to pay for his holiday.
Nightmare.
I know.
I know.
Come and sit with us.
Cheers, I might do later.
I got to sort some stuff out before my dad gets here.
Your Dad's coming? It's a long story.
See you later.
Tiger, you do know you've got TWAT written on your forehead, don't you? TWAT?! You're joking? I looked in the mirror and I thought it said 'taught'.
Why would it say 'taught'? I have no idea.
I dunno.
I'll see you later.
She shouldn't get away with this.
It's outrageous.
It is.
It's illegal.
Probably.
That tabard is doing nothing for your school girl figure.
I could customise it, but it's not the point.
What about a demonstration? Well, I thought I could pinch the waist in a bit like that then maybe pull the neckline down a bit further.
I didn't mean the tabard.
I meant positive action! Picket lines, posters, local news coverage.
We've tried all that before.
What we need is ammunition.
We can't shoot her! We can't.
We haven't got a gun.
I mean a different sort of ammunition.
Evidence.
But, where are we gonna get that? Ah, I think that's where I come in.
Hiya, didn't know you were here.
Hola! Oh yeah.
We arrived last night.
I hope you don't need the loo.
It's closed down and the lifts are out of order.
Oh, I know! Six flights of stairs I had to walk down.
I'm not used to working so hard for me sausage in the morning.
Sorry it took me so long.
You know the lift's not working? We were just saying.
It's Janice, isn't it? Yeah.
This is Glynn.
Hello.
Hello.
Glynn's from Wales.
Oh, lovely.
It's his first time in Benidorm.
Are you enjoying it? Well, it's early days yet.
Glynn's wife Riannon is on holiday in France with my husband Donald.
I see.
Right, well, good luck with that.
See you later.
See ya! Jacqueline I was wondering if we could go somewhere quiet for a coffee.
Well, there's Ragtimes, but it seems such a shame to go inside when the sun's shining.
I mean somewhere AWAY from the hotel.
But, it's all inclusive here.
It's OK.
I'll pay.
Oh right, lovely! Let me just have a quick wee.
Ooh! Ooh! That's fresh! Won't be a minute! You all right? Not really.
Tiger's just been robbed.
I'm not surprised.
The lad's a menace to society.
No, he's not.
Last year when you hung out with him you ended up drunk with a tattoo.
It'll only be matter of hours before you've got a bone though your nose.
What does that even mean? It means he's an animal.
Poor lad, who robbed him? Someone he came on holiday with.
Exactly, you lay down with dogs, you pick up fleas.
Oh, give it up, will you? Right, two beers for me and your mam and a saucer of milk for your Nana.
Brandy.
I've just sat down.
Now you're just getting up.
Come on Stretch Armstrong, move it.
I'm supposed to be on holiday as well! Good day, Joyce Temple-Savage, Solana manageress.
Is one of you Mrs Harvey? Who wants to know? She's told you, Joyce Temple-Savage.
I'll take that as a 'yes'.
A Mr Roo has left a message for you.
Apparently, he's lost his wallet at the airport and is asking if you can leave 100 euros in an envelope for him at reception.
Hundred euros?! Most people here didn't pay that for their holiday.
Anyway, to whom it may concern Airport? What's he doing coming here? Oh, my God! I told you they were following me! It all makes sense now.
What you mean, "It makes sense"? You don't have to be Cagney & Lacey to crack this one.
It's someone who works here.
I don't understand.
You don't have to, because I am gonna put an envelope at reception and me and lazy arse here are gonna wait and see who picks it up.
What? Like a stakeout? After you get the drinks in.
Do you not think we should call the police? What for? No crime has been committed yet.
Until whoever we grab gets his head smacked in.
What? By you? You couldn't smack your lips.
I'm off to get some cigs.
You're welcome! Get out of the way! Four sugars.
Lovely.
Well, this is a treat.
Jacqueline, I'm afraid I've had a change of heart.
You want me to pay for the coffees? Oh, no, no, no, no! I mean about the wife swap.
Oh, right.
I don't suppose that's such a huge surprise.
Well, when you got up to the room last night, barricaded your door with the wardrobe and shouted, "Come anywhere near me and I'll call the police", I did have my suspicions.
I'm sorry.
Those two lager shandies hit me hard.
It's not that you're unattractive.
That has nothing to do with it.
It's just, Riannon and I had been going through a bit of a bad patch and, being very open-minded people, you know we're both naturists, we just thought So, you're not swingers? No, not at all.
Oh dear.
And, that's not all.
I got a message from Riannon this morning.
"Having a fabulous time.
" "Donald is amazing.
See you in a few days, RiRi".
Just ring her and say you don't feel the same.
No! Don't you see? This is what she wants! She doesn't want me! She'd rather have some huge, overweight, red-faced buffoon bearing down on her.
None taken.
What have I done? What have I done? What have I done to her? What have I done? Now remember, Betty, don't stand up until I've turned it off and removed the hood.
When your hair caught fire last time it was a waste of a pint of lager.
- You all right, love? - Thank you.
Kenneth, I need to speak with you.
I'm glad that you've turned up.
I've sent Liam to find Lesley.
Apparently, she's dug up some dirt on Temple-Savage.
I need to speak to you in private.
"In private?" We're all in the same boat.
No, you don't understand! I have a problem Shall we go somewhere a bit more private? Don't worry about Betty.
She can't hear a thing under that dryer.
Temple-Savage is across the hall.
Oh I know.
Hello? Shop? I think you might be needed.
Argh! Is there anybody about? Yes? Hello, can you tell me what room my son, Tiger Dyke, is in? Tie a what? Tiger.
Tiger Dyke.
Do you not remember us from last year? No.
Ah yes, now I remember you.
Your eyes they look much more piggy without your erm I forgot how to say gafas.
OK, let me check.
Did you just say "piggy"? What is your son's name.
Tiger Dyke! OK, OK, don't shout! I booked a room online as well.
And your surname? Dyke! You are Tie the Dyke? I thought that was your son's name.
My son is Tiger Dyke.
I am Clive Dyke.
Good afternoon, Joyce Temple-Savage Solana manageress, how can I? Oh, it's you.
That's just the sort of welcome I expected from this place.
Well, you came back.
Your all inclusive wristband and room key.
Thank you, Mateo.
I'll deal with this now.
I have just dealed with it.
Pool bar.
I am serving the Dyke.
Pool bar! Welcome back to the Solana, Mr, erm, Dyke.
I trust you will have another enjoyable stay with us! I only came here to look after my boy.
He got robbed while he was here.
Probably something to do with the company he keeps.
Yeah, or the crappy hotel he's staying in.
No pleasing some people.
Hello? Kenneth? Hello, can you hear me? Typical! I think she's gone.
Sorry about that, Betty love.
I'll turn you back on now.
Right, as I was saying, not only has she reduced all staff wages, I found an internal memo from Joyce to Hennesey-Vass saying she's gonna start sacking people too! It's outrageous! I'm not surprised.
That woman is evil.
How have you had access to internal emails? Well, sometimes being the lowly cleaner has its perks.
So, come on, you haven't mentioned a word about my mum yet.
I texted her but she said, "Everything fine".
Yeah, well she would.
That's all a case of, 'What the neighbours might think'.
I'm not her neighbour, I'm her son.
Your mother and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch.
For how long? About 23 years.
You've only been married for 22! Well, no-one can say I wasn't warned.
You're splitting up then? No, we're not splitting up.
We ain't staying together but we're not splitting up.
What is that supposed to mean? All I can say is that this little break for us, me being here, will probably do us the world of good.
I don't want you to split up, but I want you both to be happy.
Happy? Happy? Yeah, oh I remember that! Meanwhile I've got a great idea for tonight.
Oh yeah, what's that? We both get absolutely hammered.
You know something, son? You're not as stupid as you look.
Like father, like son! Give them back! I can't see nothing without them! Oi, come back! Tiger! Tiger, come back here! You want one more for the roads? What? Another shandy? Oh.
How many have I had? I've lost count.
Two.
I'd better not.
My head's spinning as it is.
Oh, you're there! I've been looking everywhere for ya! I'm sorry.
I've been licking my wounds.
Have you spoken to your wife? No, but we've been texting each other.
I tried to suggest maybe we'd made a mistake, but she was too busy telling me what a great time she was having.
She also told me your Donald had organised the wife swap for your anniversary.
Well, he's a very romantic man.
Yes, but for your I'm sorry, I just, I just don't understand.
Donald and I love each other dearly but we also LOVE trying new things.
Oh, I'm sorry, are you waiting to close? No, no, is fine.
Where was I? You and your husband love trying new things.
Thank you.
We love trying new things and what makes it all even better is we know we'll always have each other.
Yes, but where's the romance? What can I say? Some days are romantic and some days we're going at it like hammer and tongs with complete strangers.
Variety is the spice of life.
Do you want me to call your wife for you? No, no, let's just leave it for now.
All right, have a late siesta and then we'll have some tea in Neptunes and work out what to do next.
They do a smashing toad in the hole here.
Only in Benidorm.
Dad, we've been here ages.
He's not coming, is he? Slowly, slowly catchy monkey.
What does that mean? It means shut up moaning and go get me a beer.
Ay-up, here we go, here we go What are you doing? I'm going undercover.
Why are you hiding your face? He doesn't know what you look like.
Shut up, shut up! Here we go.
Hola.
Oh no, no, no, this is the Solana.
Which way? Up there, turn left.
About 200 yards on the right-hand side.
Right.
Thank you.
Adios amigo.
Bollocks.
Thought we had our man then.
I'm bored.
I'm off to find Tiger.
No, you're not! You've got no idea how important your role in all this is.
Oh yeah? What is my role? Head of refreshments, off you pop.
If you're a good lad, you can have a shandy.
I don't know what I'd do if I came into a lot of money.
You could do something with your hair for a start.
What does that mean? You've always had split ends and dry skin.
It's not your fault.
It runs in the family.
Thanks.
My mother was practically bald.
Nana Baron? No, she wasn't.
Bald with a big, dry, square head.
She looked like a Greggs steak bake.
Woman down our street won 100,000 last year.
£100,000 I wouldn't know what to do with it.
If you don't know what to do with it, give it to me! I'd give you 10,000.
for a deposit on a house.
I'd give our Chantelle 'Ey? You'd only give me 10,000? I've sacrificed my whole life for you, wrecked my bodily functions to bring you into this world and you'd keep 90,000 for yourself? No, I just said I'd give our Michael 20,000 Oh, I see! He gets twice as much as me? Hang on, I haven't finished Oh no, frig the lot of you if that's how you're gonna treat me.
It's hypothetic! It is pathetic! For God's sake.
I'm gonna get another cup of tea.
Do you want one? No, you'll probably keep Hang on, here we go.
We're on.
Go on.
Go, go, go, go, go! Get the envelope, get it! Got it! What are you doing? Dad Stop struggling! You're going nowhere! This toerag thinks it's clever to con pensioners out of Hang on, son, to con pensioners out of Dad! What? This isn't our envelope.
Que pasa? This is Mario.
He's collected a list for the bullfight trip tomorrow.
What? He is a holiday rep! Oh right.
Sorry about that, pal.
So, our envelope's still behind there, is it? What is your envelope? Never mind.
We'd better check on your Nana.
What about our 100 euros? I didn't put money in the envelope.
I'm not a complete idiot! # Open up your eyes Then you'll realise # Here I stand with my Everlasting love # Need you by my side Girl to be my pride # You'll never be denied Everlasting love You see, son, the thing about your mother and me is It's all about compatibility.
But, you've been together 20 years.
You must be compatible.
Well, that's where another word comes in.
Tolerance.
She's tolerated you for this long, what's different now? Not ME! I've tolerated HER! Then she chucked me out! But, you must still have feelings for her.
I do.
I do have feelings for her.
It's difficult to describe So, I'm gonna do it in a song.
No, Dad, please don't, Dad! Dad! You're not gonna leave that, are you? I don't seem to have much of an appetite.
Oh, it's Donald! Hiya! Oh, happy anniversary to you, too.
Glynn? Erm Well, no, he's fine.
OK love.
Yeah, you get off.
This must be costing a fortune.
Night-night, love you! Happy anniversary! I'm sorry, I just can't get my head around this whole situation.
I have nobody to blame but myself.
# From the very start Open up your heart Feel like you've falling in Everlasting love Thank you very much! Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Good night! Thank you there to Mick and Janice Gravy.
Now, a round of applause for Clive.
I'd like to dedicate this song to my wife of 20 years, and I mean every, every single word.
# Oh oh ooh ooh # No no no # See I don't know why # I liked you so much # I gave you all of my trust # I told you I loved you # Now that's all down the drain You put me through pain # I wanna let you know how I feel # Fuck what I said It don't mean shit now # Fuck the presents You might as well throw them out # Fuck all the kisses They don't mean jack # Fuck you, you hoe I don't want you back Dad, Dad! What are you doing? Sit down, sit down! Oh, for God's sake! # Keep this shit from me yeah # You bad bitch I heard the story You played me Clive there with a very personal message to his wife.
Apologies to any children listening.
We do have some unscheduled entertainment later on, but while we wait for that, play some music, Darren! # Congratulations and celebrations What kind of a song was that for a man to sing for his wife? Well, I've always said honesty is the best policy.
Where's all the romance in the world? That's what I'd like to know.
Here you're sitting with a complete stranger on your 25th wedding anniversary.
The world's gone mad.
Oh, I don't know.
People don't have to live in each other's pockets.
Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder.
A word please, Mrs Temple-Savage.
Yes, can I help? Well, there's no nice way of putting this but You've been caught with your pants down.
What a charming turn of phrase.
Could you elaborate? Well, with the situation with demoting most of the staff.
What about it? We have received intelligence It's been a long time coming but I can only see that as a good thing.
No, hang on, let me finish, we have received intelligence regarding your not-so-little wages fiddle.
Fiddle? I'm sorry.
What are you talking about? It's disgusting! As soon as this comes out, your head will be on a pole.
When all what comes out? I did not want to believe it, but it seems the evidence against you is incongestable.
None of you are making any sense, which I realise is hardly headline news, but I would like to know what I'm being accused of! We know the cuts you've made to our pay packets are going in your pocket! I'm sorry, we've made a decision, we're not calling the police, but I will be calling Hennesey-Vass first thing in the morning! I wouldn't do that because she thinks you've been sacked.
We know all about that as well Been sacked? I had instructions from Hennesey-Vass to make cutbacks, namely, to let two of the highest earning members of staff go.
But, I couldn't do it.
So, I made small cuts to wages across the board instead, including my own! I know it's going to be a tough few months, but I'll slowly increase your money with the odd bonus and small pay rises.
That's the best I can do.
Oops.
Right, I'd better go and introduce this group.
Well done, Jessica Fletcher, another case solved.
Now, in a slight change to our advertised evening of karaoke, may I present to you, Benidorm's own tribute to The Stylistics! Happy anniversary, Jacqueline, from your devoted husband Donald.
From Donald for you.
Those are nice.
Yes! # A great big movie star # Overnight sensation Mrs Temple-Savage, I just want to apologise about the erm, slight confusion we just had.
Don't worry.
These are desperate times we are living in.
I totally understand.
I never believed the rumours anyway.
Even though you started them? Ow! Although the next time you think you've caught me with my pants down, let's talk, rather than you trying to pull them up for me.
I need a drink.
Come on, I'll help you.
Kenneth, you know I have been trying to talk to you all day.
Have you? Yes! I need to ask you to do something for me.
Well, go on then.
No, it is personal.
Oh yeah? I do not want anyone else to hear.
Then whisper it.
Oh, my God! Please, Kenneth, it is a secret.
Well, we've all got them, love.
Lola, a woman in the old town, she used to do it for me.
I bet she did.
Please, Kenneth, you will do it for me? Meet me in the salon.
I'll be there in two minutes.
Slippery nipple? Yeah, two.
# I'd give the world to you # I'd like to someday be # The owner of Everything's gonna be all right, son.
Have you spoken to my mum? Not since we had the row, no.
Maybe you just need a bit of time apart.
Yeah, maybe that's all we need, a bit of time apart.
The next 20 years should just about do it.
# I guess it's true 'Cause I'm stone In love with you OK, let's get you on your feet.
You all know this next one.
# If I had money I'd go wild # Buy you furs Dress you like a queen # And in a chauffeured limousine # We'd look so fine I'm off to have a drink with Tiger.
Oh, that's it! Next time we see him, he'll be drugged up to the eyeballs, floating face down in the pool.
Right.
No alcohol and stay where we can see you.
Yeah, I know.
Are we having a dance? Ooh yeah! Oh, that's it, leave me here on my own? Come and have a dance! No, I don't want to be a burden.
Well go on, just leave me here.
You'd think I'd be used to your selfishness by now.
What? My mother got annoyed because I wouldn't share my winnings.
What winnings? It's a long story.
Hey, it's a shame Buck A Roo didn't turn up.
You could have shared your winnings with us! Well, fancy seeing you here.
Please, Kenneth, don't make fun of me.
Don't worry, Mateo, we all have needs.
So, the woman who usually does you, when did she leave town? Three weeks ago, I can sort out getting touched up myself, but it gets to a point where I need the full head.
Well, lie back and think of Espana.
I think we should go for Midnight Dream.
I think dying your hair Double Jet Black might make people think you're sponsored by Magic Marker.
So, going anywhere nice for your holidays? # I # Can't give you anything # But my love # But my love Here we go whoo # I cannot promise you the world Mrs Madge Harvey? Yeah? Yeah, I'm Madge.
My name is Buck, Buck A Roo.
You're a very difficult lady to get a hold of.
I can't quite believe I've finally found you.
# My devotion I will give # For as long as I live
You really shouldn't be doing this at your age.
Is there no-one to help you, Dad? Not really.
With all these cutbacks we seem to be permanently short-staffed.
I'm the only one putting out these leaflets for Blow & Go.
Kenneth's been no help at all! I know you're busy but what about a helping hand? Aw! Thanks, Dad! That's very kind of you.
I'll see you later.
No, I meant Oh, bloody hell! Oh, for crying out loud! Oh, my God.
I am never drinking again.
Ohh Zack? Zack, are you in the bog? What? What's 'taught' mean? This one is Terra Mitica, is like theme park.
You like exciting rides? Not really.
Excuse me, I've got an emergency.
OK, then maybe this one for you.
Aqualandia, is a water park.
You like to get wet? No, my friend's allergic to water.
How can this be? Is anybody else here? I've been robbed! Please have some manners! For this one I can arrange discount for the very prettiest girls.
Give me your number and I call you.
Why don't you go? They do a discount for pensioners as well.
What? Mate, please, can you help me? What is that written on your head? I don't know.
I woke up like this.
Can I use your phone to call the UK? Are you crazy? I am on Pay When You Go.
Not your mobile! I mean the hotel one.
I've been robbed.
Everything's been taken.
My phone, wallet, money, credit cards.
Is there any way I could use your phone please? What's going on? Mateo, apparently the pool is covered in leaflets.
Could you sort it, please? Joyce Temple-Savage, Solana manageress, can I help you? He wants to use the phone.
I did not realise we are labelling all the guests in-du-vidually.
Is a good idea.
Mateo, the pool! I need to use your phone.
Please? We've overslept! There's only 15 minutes of breakfast left.
I'm gonna have a shower later.
Do you want me to save you a sausage bap? No, no, I'll be down in a minute.
I just need to rinse my contacts.
Glynn, I'm over here! Oh, right.
See you in a bit.
Come on, come on! Clive's phone.
Who's that? Is that Auntie Terri? What have I told you about calling me auntie? You are my auntie.
I don't look old enough to be your auntie.
You look old enough to be my gran! Where's my dad? Gone up the offie for me.
I'm still bad with my legs.
What's he doing at your house? He hates you! I forgot my mobile.
It just rang.
I think it's Tiger.
Tiger? Dad, can you send me some money? What's going on? I lost my wallet, cards, everything.
I need a couple of hundred euros.
Can't your mate lend you some? He's the one who took my wallet.
What's he saying? Shut up.
Dad? I'll come out to you.
What?! No! I mean, I don't want you and my mum being dragged out here.
I just need some money.
I never said your mum.
I said me.
They've had a row.
Shut up! She's chucked him out.
Go in the other room! No, I won't, this is my house.
She found knickers in the Land Rover and they weren't your dad's! That's absolute drivel and you know it, Terri! She didn't throw you out for nothing! I am trying to talk to my son! What did she just say? What's going on? I'll get the next flight out there.
I should be with you by tonight.
If I can't get a flight today.
I'll ring you.
Dad, why are you at Terri's? What's going on? I'll explain later.
What am I gonna do for money until you get here? Two words, son, "all inclusive".
I'll speak to you later.
You really don't let the truth get in the way of a good story! Did you get my vodka? Get it yourself.
Where you going? Luton Airport! Bastard! Three hours! Three hours on the coach to get from Alicante to Benidorm! Here we go again! They dropped that last couple off in Bridlington before we got here.
Don't exaggerate! Why did they drop us off last? The coach went past here three times.
I'll tell you why, Jonah Lomu here was elbowing people in the gob trying to get on the coach first.
It should be first, in first out.
How many times did I tell you?! If your bags go in the coach first, they're the last ones to come out! It's blatant racism.
How was it racism? Everyone on the coach was British! The driver wasn't.
Oh, for God's sake.
Mrs Harvey! Welcome back to paradise! Is everything all right? Your coach should have been here first thing.
Don't set her off! Can I have your passports? Oh, now There's been a fax for you Mrs H.
A fax? Aye, some solicitors or something.
I didn't read it, of course, but it did sound important especially the bit at the end where they say they've been trying to track you down for three years.
Three years?! What's all this about, Mam? It's nothing.
Christ, what has she done now? I've not done anything! Just mind your own business.
Can you hurry up with these rooms? If something's up, tell us.
Can you just leave me alone? I'll go.
I'll come with you.
Oh no, don't worry about me! I'm fine to sort everything out here.
"Dear Mrs Harvey, we are contacting you "as the only surviving relative of Mr Melvin Churchill Harvey.
" "This case has been open for several years now", blah blah, here we go.
"There has been considerable expense in researching this case "but we are willing to come to an arrangement "by payment of a percentage of any monies recovered" It's just a scam letter.
What did you get so upset about? It's just not nice! People using your dead husband's name to try and get money out of you.
No, it's not, and fancy sending it here! Let's have a look.
That's what's upset me.
I've had two letters at home but I ignored them.
Well, getting something here, it's like they're following me.
It says, "You are the only surviving relative "to the Collins family of Tucson, Arizona, USA.
" That's just rubbish! How can I be related to anyone American? There's no fat people with big gums in our family.
"Please contact me as a matter of great urgency.
"I am available on my personal cell phone 24/7.
"Yours sincerely, Mr Buck A Roo.
"Probate Attorney, Los Angeles California".
Let's have a look.
Buck A Roo! Are they taking the piss? What are his kids called? Twister and KerPlunk.
It's all right for you to laugh! It's not you they're following! Mam, it's just a scam and not a very convincing one by the sound of it.
Just ignore it and they'll go away.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
for a mobile phone number.
That means you can ring them at any time.
Well, it's still upset me.
I've got a way of resolving all this.
There you go, all sorted.
Now, if anyone wants me, I'll be in my office.
Lesley, is Blow & Go open yet? You've got to be joking.
It's nowhere near midday.
I've been calling Kenneth all morning.
What are you looking for, just a trim? You want us to give Liam a call? No, no, I need to speak to Kenneth.
It is, more, how you say? Personal.
Oh, you're not having one of them vajazzles, are you? What? Oh, no, they can't be that for men.
A pe-jazzle? I have no idea whichsoever what you are talking about.
Lesley, why are you behind this desk? It's where I work.
Well, some of the time.
I fired off a global this morning.
It'll be that prawn curry from last night.
I was fine but then I had the toad in the hole.
I fired off a global email instructing all staff of the time of their appraisals.
Oh, sorry.
You are ten minutes late.
My office, now.
Oi, Casanova! You're on in 15 minutes.
On what in 15 minutes? Hola.
Kenneth, Kenneth! I need to speak to you.
Wait here.
Kenneth, I need your help.
Right, hang on I'm in a little bit of a hurry.
Shhh! Right, let's have a look.
I have something I Shhh, shhh! No! Don't interrupt while the muse is upon me.
I see an '80s wedge in burnt sienna.
No! Wait! Number four crop, hint of a centre parting, bit like a soot-covered bog brush, otherwise known as a Simon Cowell.
Kenneth I No! I know.
A Mohican! You've got a whiff of Daniel Day Lewis about you already.
Mind you, not so much Last of The Mohicans, more My Left Foot.
Kenneth, please listen to me.
I have a big problem! That's Edith done up the camp site.
We've gone mobile.
Turn around, show him.
"Blow & Go mobile.
We bring the mountain to Mohammed.
" "All religions catered for.
" Kenneth, I need to speak with you.
I wanted to talk about this.
Don't you think it's racist? Racist?! It's the opposite! It means we do everybody.
You never seen me with pinking shears and an afro? How about "Blow & Go Mobile.
" "You do the dialling, we do the styling.
" That's too boring.
I did have one other.
"Don't leave the house.
We'll blow you right there.
" That's disgusting.
It's not, it's eye-catching! Kenneth! What do you want?! Hello? We're still waiting! Now I have to go.
Go on! We're not stopping you! Is anybody there? Honestly.
"Dial a do?" No! "Cut to the chase?" Shut up! So, you see, Lesley, with recent year-end cutbacks, and the ongoing financial crisis in Spain, Solana CEO Crystal Hennesey-Vass breathing down my neck like a bull mastiff with halitosis, my hands are tied.
I still don't understand.
You want me to help you with the staff cutbacks? That's exactly right.
Well, I mean, apart from your core team which you'll obviously want to keep, I can only think of Jesus in Maintenance and that girl in the kitchen with the dry skin and the onion chaser.
Onion chaser? Yeah, she's got no gnashers.
Apart from a single tooth in the front of her mouth.
I think her name's Juanita.
One eater! Sorry.
The staff cutbacks, to which I refer, include you.
Oh, for a minute I thought What?! I know what you're going to say, witch hunt.
What about Juanita? She looks much more like a witch than me.
No, I mean you are one of several members of staff whom we sadly have to let go.
I don't know what to say.
I love it here.
It's not just a job, it's my life.
But, when one door closes, another swings gently ajar.
We do have another position available.
It's less money Less money! How can it be less? I am trying to help you here, Lesley! I know you are As long as it's not cleaning.
I can't stand the thought of being on my hands and knees all day.
Not at my age.
Lesley, there you are! You will not believe what just happened to me.
Why are you dressed like a cleaner? Because I AM a bloody cleaner.
Temple-Savage sacked me then reinstated me as a cleaner.
She sacked me too, then offered me a job as junior barman.
Junior?! I am forty Almost forty.
How can they make me a junior? That woman's got more front than Blackpool.
What does this mean? I just mean she's got some brass neck to think she can get away with this whole set up being a sham.
Sham? Basically, she's now saving hundreds of euros a week.
I'll be a monkey's uncle if it's not going straight in her coffers! Wait a minute, I do not understand.
She's a crook, a swindler, a snake in the grass.
We've all been hoodwinked.
And people say they have a problem to understand me.
Incredible! I am sorry for you to wait, I have been demolished to junior barman so is very difficult for me.
You are OK? Yeah, yeah.
I'm fine.
Beer? No, mate.
I'm good.
We do a good breakfast lager.
I'll have an orange juice.
OK.
No problem.
Is your phone ever switched on? Hey! Mikey! Is everything all right? Not really.
I Facebooked you from the airport and sent a couple of texts.
I tried ringing you as well.
Drink for you? Coke, please.
Where's your mate? Zack? He's gone.
Left last night.
What? Gone home? I dunno.
He took my money, credit cards, everything.
What sort of mate is that? I only met him a week before we came to Benidorm.
I don't know where he lives.
I even lent him the money to pay for his holiday.
Nightmare.
I know.
I know.
Come and sit with us.
Cheers, I might do later.
I got to sort some stuff out before my dad gets here.
Your Dad's coming? It's a long story.
See you later.
Tiger, you do know you've got TWAT written on your forehead, don't you? TWAT?! You're joking? I looked in the mirror and I thought it said 'taught'.
Why would it say 'taught'? I have no idea.
I dunno.
I'll see you later.
She shouldn't get away with this.
It's outrageous.
It is.
It's illegal.
Probably.
That tabard is doing nothing for your school girl figure.
I could customise it, but it's not the point.
What about a demonstration? Well, I thought I could pinch the waist in a bit like that then maybe pull the neckline down a bit further.
I didn't mean the tabard.
I meant positive action! Picket lines, posters, local news coverage.
We've tried all that before.
What we need is ammunition.
We can't shoot her! We can't.
We haven't got a gun.
I mean a different sort of ammunition.
Evidence.
But, where are we gonna get that? Ah, I think that's where I come in.
Hiya, didn't know you were here.
Hola! Oh yeah.
We arrived last night.
I hope you don't need the loo.
It's closed down and the lifts are out of order.
Oh, I know! Six flights of stairs I had to walk down.
I'm not used to working so hard for me sausage in the morning.
Sorry it took me so long.
You know the lift's not working? We were just saying.
It's Janice, isn't it? Yeah.
This is Glynn.
Hello.
Hello.
Glynn's from Wales.
Oh, lovely.
It's his first time in Benidorm.
Are you enjoying it? Well, it's early days yet.
Glynn's wife Riannon is on holiday in France with my husband Donald.
I see.
Right, well, good luck with that.
See you later.
See ya! Jacqueline I was wondering if we could go somewhere quiet for a coffee.
Well, there's Ragtimes, but it seems such a shame to go inside when the sun's shining.
I mean somewhere AWAY from the hotel.
But, it's all inclusive here.
It's OK.
I'll pay.
Oh right, lovely! Let me just have a quick wee.
Ooh! Ooh! That's fresh! Won't be a minute! You all right? Not really.
Tiger's just been robbed.
I'm not surprised.
The lad's a menace to society.
No, he's not.
Last year when you hung out with him you ended up drunk with a tattoo.
It'll only be matter of hours before you've got a bone though your nose.
What does that even mean? It means he's an animal.
Poor lad, who robbed him? Someone he came on holiday with.
Exactly, you lay down with dogs, you pick up fleas.
Oh, give it up, will you? Right, two beers for me and your mam and a saucer of milk for your Nana.
Brandy.
I've just sat down.
Now you're just getting up.
Come on Stretch Armstrong, move it.
I'm supposed to be on holiday as well! Good day, Joyce Temple-Savage, Solana manageress.
Is one of you Mrs Harvey? Who wants to know? She's told you, Joyce Temple-Savage.
I'll take that as a 'yes'.
A Mr Roo has left a message for you.
Apparently, he's lost his wallet at the airport and is asking if you can leave 100 euros in an envelope for him at reception.
Hundred euros?! Most people here didn't pay that for their holiday.
Anyway, to whom it may concern Airport? What's he doing coming here? Oh, my God! I told you they were following me! It all makes sense now.
What you mean, "It makes sense"? You don't have to be Cagney & Lacey to crack this one.
It's someone who works here.
I don't understand.
You don't have to, because I am gonna put an envelope at reception and me and lazy arse here are gonna wait and see who picks it up.
What? Like a stakeout? After you get the drinks in.
Do you not think we should call the police? What for? No crime has been committed yet.
Until whoever we grab gets his head smacked in.
What? By you? You couldn't smack your lips.
I'm off to get some cigs.
You're welcome! Get out of the way! Four sugars.
Lovely.
Well, this is a treat.
Jacqueline, I'm afraid I've had a change of heart.
You want me to pay for the coffees? Oh, no, no, no, no! I mean about the wife swap.
Oh, right.
I don't suppose that's such a huge surprise.
Well, when you got up to the room last night, barricaded your door with the wardrobe and shouted, "Come anywhere near me and I'll call the police", I did have my suspicions.
I'm sorry.
Those two lager shandies hit me hard.
It's not that you're unattractive.
That has nothing to do with it.
It's just, Riannon and I had been going through a bit of a bad patch and, being very open-minded people, you know we're both naturists, we just thought So, you're not swingers? No, not at all.
Oh dear.
And, that's not all.
I got a message from Riannon this morning.
"Having a fabulous time.
" "Donald is amazing.
See you in a few days, RiRi".
Just ring her and say you don't feel the same.
No! Don't you see? This is what she wants! She doesn't want me! She'd rather have some huge, overweight, red-faced buffoon bearing down on her.
None taken.
What have I done? What have I done? What have I done to her? What have I done? Now remember, Betty, don't stand up until I've turned it off and removed the hood.
When your hair caught fire last time it was a waste of a pint of lager.
- You all right, love? - Thank you.
Kenneth, I need to speak with you.
I'm glad that you've turned up.
I've sent Liam to find Lesley.
Apparently, she's dug up some dirt on Temple-Savage.
I need to speak to you in private.
"In private?" We're all in the same boat.
No, you don't understand! I have a problem Shall we go somewhere a bit more private? Don't worry about Betty.
She can't hear a thing under that dryer.
Temple-Savage is across the hall.
Oh I know.
Hello? Shop? I think you might be needed.
Argh! Is there anybody about? Yes? Hello, can you tell me what room my son, Tiger Dyke, is in? Tie a what? Tiger.
Tiger Dyke.
Do you not remember us from last year? No.
Ah yes, now I remember you.
Your eyes they look much more piggy without your erm I forgot how to say gafas.
OK, let me check.
Did you just say "piggy"? What is your son's name.
Tiger Dyke! OK, OK, don't shout! I booked a room online as well.
And your surname? Dyke! You are Tie the Dyke? I thought that was your son's name.
My son is Tiger Dyke.
I am Clive Dyke.
Good afternoon, Joyce Temple-Savage Solana manageress, how can I? Oh, it's you.
That's just the sort of welcome I expected from this place.
Well, you came back.
Your all inclusive wristband and room key.
Thank you, Mateo.
I'll deal with this now.
I have just dealed with it.
Pool bar.
I am serving the Dyke.
Pool bar! Welcome back to the Solana, Mr, erm, Dyke.
I trust you will have another enjoyable stay with us! I only came here to look after my boy.
He got robbed while he was here.
Probably something to do with the company he keeps.
Yeah, or the crappy hotel he's staying in.
No pleasing some people.
Hello? Kenneth? Hello, can you hear me? Typical! I think she's gone.
Sorry about that, Betty love.
I'll turn you back on now.
Right, as I was saying, not only has she reduced all staff wages, I found an internal memo from Joyce to Hennesey-Vass saying she's gonna start sacking people too! It's outrageous! I'm not surprised.
That woman is evil.
How have you had access to internal emails? Well, sometimes being the lowly cleaner has its perks.
So, come on, you haven't mentioned a word about my mum yet.
I texted her but she said, "Everything fine".
Yeah, well she would.
That's all a case of, 'What the neighbours might think'.
I'm not her neighbour, I'm her son.
Your mother and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch.
For how long? About 23 years.
You've only been married for 22! Well, no-one can say I wasn't warned.
You're splitting up then? No, we're not splitting up.
We ain't staying together but we're not splitting up.
What is that supposed to mean? All I can say is that this little break for us, me being here, will probably do us the world of good.
I don't want you to split up, but I want you both to be happy.
Happy? Happy? Yeah, oh I remember that! Meanwhile I've got a great idea for tonight.
Oh yeah, what's that? We both get absolutely hammered.
You know something, son? You're not as stupid as you look.
Like father, like son! Give them back! I can't see nothing without them! Oi, come back! Tiger! Tiger, come back here! You want one more for the roads? What? Another shandy? Oh.
How many have I had? I've lost count.
Two.
I'd better not.
My head's spinning as it is.
Oh, you're there! I've been looking everywhere for ya! I'm sorry.
I've been licking my wounds.
Have you spoken to your wife? No, but we've been texting each other.
I tried to suggest maybe we'd made a mistake, but she was too busy telling me what a great time she was having.
She also told me your Donald had organised the wife swap for your anniversary.
Well, he's a very romantic man.
Yes, but for your I'm sorry, I just, I just don't understand.
Donald and I love each other dearly but we also LOVE trying new things.
Oh, I'm sorry, are you waiting to close? No, no, is fine.
Where was I? You and your husband love trying new things.
Thank you.
We love trying new things and what makes it all even better is we know we'll always have each other.
Yes, but where's the romance? What can I say? Some days are romantic and some days we're going at it like hammer and tongs with complete strangers.
Variety is the spice of life.
Do you want me to call your wife for you? No, no, let's just leave it for now.
All right, have a late siesta and then we'll have some tea in Neptunes and work out what to do next.
They do a smashing toad in the hole here.
Only in Benidorm.
Dad, we've been here ages.
He's not coming, is he? Slowly, slowly catchy monkey.
What does that mean? It means shut up moaning and go get me a beer.
Ay-up, here we go, here we go What are you doing? I'm going undercover.
Why are you hiding your face? He doesn't know what you look like.
Shut up, shut up! Here we go.
Hola.
Oh no, no, no, this is the Solana.
Which way? Up there, turn left.
About 200 yards on the right-hand side.
Right.
Thank you.
Adios amigo.
Bollocks.
Thought we had our man then.
I'm bored.
I'm off to find Tiger.
No, you're not! You've got no idea how important your role in all this is.
Oh yeah? What is my role? Head of refreshments, off you pop.
If you're a good lad, you can have a shandy.
I don't know what I'd do if I came into a lot of money.
You could do something with your hair for a start.
What does that mean? You've always had split ends and dry skin.
It's not your fault.
It runs in the family.
Thanks.
My mother was practically bald.
Nana Baron? No, she wasn't.
Bald with a big, dry, square head.
She looked like a Greggs steak bake.
Woman down our street won 100,000 last year.
£100,000 I wouldn't know what to do with it.
If you don't know what to do with it, give it to me! I'd give you 10,000.
for a deposit on a house.
I'd give our Chantelle 'Ey? You'd only give me 10,000? I've sacrificed my whole life for you, wrecked my bodily functions to bring you into this world and you'd keep 90,000 for yourself? No, I just said I'd give our Michael 20,000 Oh, I see! He gets twice as much as me? Hang on, I haven't finished Oh no, frig the lot of you if that's how you're gonna treat me.
It's hypothetic! It is pathetic! For God's sake.
I'm gonna get another cup of tea.
Do you want one? No, you'll probably keep Hang on, here we go.
We're on.
Go on.
Go, go, go, go, go! Get the envelope, get it! Got it! What are you doing? Dad Stop struggling! You're going nowhere! This toerag thinks it's clever to con pensioners out of Hang on, son, to con pensioners out of Dad! What? This isn't our envelope.
Que pasa? This is Mario.
He's collected a list for the bullfight trip tomorrow.
What? He is a holiday rep! Oh right.
Sorry about that, pal.
So, our envelope's still behind there, is it? What is your envelope? Never mind.
We'd better check on your Nana.
What about our 100 euros? I didn't put money in the envelope.
I'm not a complete idiot! # Open up your eyes Then you'll realise # Here I stand with my Everlasting love # Need you by my side Girl to be my pride # You'll never be denied Everlasting love You see, son, the thing about your mother and me is It's all about compatibility.
But, you've been together 20 years.
You must be compatible.
Well, that's where another word comes in.
Tolerance.
She's tolerated you for this long, what's different now? Not ME! I've tolerated HER! Then she chucked me out! But, you must still have feelings for her.
I do.
I do have feelings for her.
It's difficult to describe So, I'm gonna do it in a song.
No, Dad, please don't, Dad! Dad! You're not gonna leave that, are you? I don't seem to have much of an appetite.
Oh, it's Donald! Hiya! Oh, happy anniversary to you, too.
Glynn? Erm Well, no, he's fine.
OK love.
Yeah, you get off.
This must be costing a fortune.
Night-night, love you! Happy anniversary! I'm sorry, I just can't get my head around this whole situation.
I have nobody to blame but myself.
# From the very start Open up your heart Feel like you've falling in Everlasting love Thank you very much! Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Good night! Thank you there to Mick and Janice Gravy.
Now, a round of applause for Clive.
I'd like to dedicate this song to my wife of 20 years, and I mean every, every single word.
# Oh oh ooh ooh # No no no # See I don't know why # I liked you so much # I gave you all of my trust # I told you I loved you # Now that's all down the drain You put me through pain # I wanna let you know how I feel # Fuck what I said It don't mean shit now # Fuck the presents You might as well throw them out # Fuck all the kisses They don't mean jack # Fuck you, you hoe I don't want you back Dad, Dad! What are you doing? Sit down, sit down! Oh, for God's sake! # Keep this shit from me yeah # You bad bitch I heard the story You played me Clive there with a very personal message to his wife.
Apologies to any children listening.
We do have some unscheduled entertainment later on, but while we wait for that, play some music, Darren! # Congratulations and celebrations What kind of a song was that for a man to sing for his wife? Well, I've always said honesty is the best policy.
Where's all the romance in the world? That's what I'd like to know.
Here you're sitting with a complete stranger on your 25th wedding anniversary.
The world's gone mad.
Oh, I don't know.
People don't have to live in each other's pockets.
Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder.
A word please, Mrs Temple-Savage.
Yes, can I help? Well, there's no nice way of putting this but You've been caught with your pants down.
What a charming turn of phrase.
Could you elaborate? Well, with the situation with demoting most of the staff.
What about it? We have received intelligence It's been a long time coming but I can only see that as a good thing.
No, hang on, let me finish, we have received intelligence regarding your not-so-little wages fiddle.
Fiddle? I'm sorry.
What are you talking about? It's disgusting! As soon as this comes out, your head will be on a pole.
When all what comes out? I did not want to believe it, but it seems the evidence against you is incongestable.
None of you are making any sense, which I realise is hardly headline news, but I would like to know what I'm being accused of! We know the cuts you've made to our pay packets are going in your pocket! I'm sorry, we've made a decision, we're not calling the police, but I will be calling Hennesey-Vass first thing in the morning! I wouldn't do that because she thinks you've been sacked.
We know all about that as well Been sacked? I had instructions from Hennesey-Vass to make cutbacks, namely, to let two of the highest earning members of staff go.
But, I couldn't do it.
So, I made small cuts to wages across the board instead, including my own! I know it's going to be a tough few months, but I'll slowly increase your money with the odd bonus and small pay rises.
That's the best I can do.
Oops.
Right, I'd better go and introduce this group.
Well done, Jessica Fletcher, another case solved.
Now, in a slight change to our advertised evening of karaoke, may I present to you, Benidorm's own tribute to The Stylistics! Happy anniversary, Jacqueline, from your devoted husband Donald.
From Donald for you.
Those are nice.
Yes! # A great big movie star # Overnight sensation Mrs Temple-Savage, I just want to apologise about the erm, slight confusion we just had.
Don't worry.
These are desperate times we are living in.
I totally understand.
I never believed the rumours anyway.
Even though you started them? Ow! Although the next time you think you've caught me with my pants down, let's talk, rather than you trying to pull them up for me.
I need a drink.
Come on, I'll help you.
Kenneth, you know I have been trying to talk to you all day.
Have you? Yes! I need to ask you to do something for me.
Well, go on then.
No, it is personal.
Oh yeah? I do not want anyone else to hear.
Then whisper it.
Oh, my God! Please, Kenneth, it is a secret.
Well, we've all got them, love.
Lola, a woman in the old town, she used to do it for me.
I bet she did.
Please, Kenneth, you will do it for me? Meet me in the salon.
I'll be there in two minutes.
Slippery nipple? Yeah, two.
# I'd give the world to you # I'd like to someday be # The owner of Everything's gonna be all right, son.
Have you spoken to my mum? Not since we had the row, no.
Maybe you just need a bit of time apart.
Yeah, maybe that's all we need, a bit of time apart.
The next 20 years should just about do it.
# I guess it's true 'Cause I'm stone In love with you OK, let's get you on your feet.
You all know this next one.
# If I had money I'd go wild # Buy you furs Dress you like a queen # And in a chauffeured limousine # We'd look so fine I'm off to have a drink with Tiger.
Oh, that's it! Next time we see him, he'll be drugged up to the eyeballs, floating face down in the pool.
Right.
No alcohol and stay where we can see you.
Yeah, I know.
Are we having a dance? Ooh yeah! Oh, that's it, leave me here on my own? Come and have a dance! No, I don't want to be a burden.
Well go on, just leave me here.
You'd think I'd be used to your selfishness by now.
What? My mother got annoyed because I wouldn't share my winnings.
What winnings? It's a long story.
Hey, it's a shame Buck A Roo didn't turn up.
You could have shared your winnings with us! Well, fancy seeing you here.
Please, Kenneth, don't make fun of me.
Don't worry, Mateo, we all have needs.
So, the woman who usually does you, when did she leave town? Three weeks ago, I can sort out getting touched up myself, but it gets to a point where I need the full head.
Well, lie back and think of Espana.
I think we should go for Midnight Dream.
I think dying your hair Double Jet Black might make people think you're sponsored by Magic Marker.
So, going anywhere nice for your holidays? # I # Can't give you anything # But my love # But my love Here we go whoo # I cannot promise you the world Mrs Madge Harvey? Yeah? Yeah, I'm Madge.
My name is Buck, Buck A Roo.
You're a very difficult lady to get a hold of.
I can't quite believe I've finally found you.
# My devotion I will give # For as long as I live