Benidorm (2007) s07e02 Episode Script
Series 7, Episode 2
Tiger? It's your dad.
I slept in.
Er, I'll see you downstairs.
Don't come to the room.
There's been an accident.
Erm I mean, just a spillage.
I'll see you down by the pool.
Hello, darling? I think you'd better wake up.
They wanna clean the room and I'm leaving today, so Aghhh! What's wrong with you? I thought you were You thought I was what? Why are you dressed like that? Have you lost your mind? Why are you dressed like that? Oh, my God! You forgot about everything and you thought you'd scored.
Shut up! Look at the state of you! Don't you remember the fancy dress party we crashed? No, I don't.
Why didn't you sleep in your own room? Couldn't find my key.
I must've left it in my handbag.
Come here, give me a kiss.
Get out of it! Go down and get another key.
All right.
I'll see you downstairs.
Yeah, all right.
How! Get out of it! What are you both doing in here? Well, I'm riding a bike and she's baking a cake.
Janice, he knows what I mean.
Tell him.
Tell him what? What are you on about? Buck A Roo! No, thanks.
But I'll have a game of underwater Twister if you go first.
Mr Roo said to meet him in reception at 11 o'clock.
It's only half ten! Oh, come on! Put on a pair of long trousers and get a shave! That's my wife you're talking to.
Just calm down, mother! He can come up here and talk to us.
You're gonna show me up.
I knew you would.
This man's come all the way from America! So walking here from reception won't seem that long.
Leave a message to meet us here.
I will.
And when he tells us about this inheritance, you lot can go whistle for it.
There is no inheritance! When will you listen? It's all a scam! How can it be a scam? You met him for yourself last night.
He's a top American lawyer.
I met him for 30 seconds.
He could be a dustman from Wigan.
He's got an American accent! Yeah, so did my Uncle Wally.
He also kept ferrets down his trousers and used to bark at traffic.
Sod the pair of ya.
Hey! Hang on! I've said nothing.
Mother! Oh! Why do you have to wind her up? What else is there to do? Hm? It's not actually a smoking room and there's no balcony.
But if you hang your head out the window and make sure your tab ends don't fall in the pool, everything will be hunky-dory! Er, Lesley.
This booking for two nights.
Mr Buck A Roo.
He arrived late last night.
You didn't check him in, did you? No.
Why? You don't think there's something slightly odd? How do you mean? Well, the name! Mr Buck A Roo.
Buckaroo.
What sort of name is that? Well, it is unusual but I've got an Irish aunty and she's called Patty O'Dors.
I mean, it's just the luck of the draw, isn't it? And look at the notes.
"Will not be staying second night, room is to freshen up only.
" Now, that is strange.
Why pay for an extra night when you can have a lick and a promise in the bogs? I wasn't going to put it quite like that, but yes, exactly.
Excuse me.
Can I get a replacement key for room 601, please? No prob.
And do something about your hair! Cheeky cow! There's nothing wrong with my hair, is there? It's better than mine, mate.
Who said the woman who can look inside herself has true beauty? Sticky Vicky! Jacqueline, I feel I owe you an apology.
Apology? Yes.
My conduct last night.
I feel the need to clear the air.
Do you want a drink? I'm just on the day wine cos it's only early.
No, no, I need a clear head.
Plus it's only ten to 11.
Do you mind if we go inside? I find the sun quite bothersome.
Oh, I was just starting to get a tan.
If you don't mind.
I'll get my things together.
I'll see you in reception.
Ohh, just five more minutes.
I'm getting a very strong sense .
.
of a woman in a past life .
.
with the letter B.
Sue, how many times have I told you? I'm not into all that stuff.
A very tall, overpowering woman with big hair and a cleavage that could stop traffic.
No! Oh! She's trying so hard to come through.
She's saying "It's time for you to sort out those photos in that shoebox covered in wallpaper.
" I don't know any tall, dead women with big hair and even bigger cleavage.
And I don't have any photos in a shoebox.
What do you think of them nails? Oh, they're lovely! Can I pay at the end of the week? As usual.
Now think about what I said.
It might come to you.
The great Psychic Sue is never wrong.
Thanks, Sue.
See you at the end of the week.
See ya, Kev.
See ya, love.
Honestly, can you believe people are actually taken in by that? That woman she was describing, it's my mother, Brenda.
The letter B.
Oh, it's probably just a lucky guess.
What about the photos? Even easier.
She was sitting there watching you looking at your photos.
How do you explain this, then? So what we really need, you know, is somewhere private where we can talk to this fella.
Maybe you go to Ragtime's.
It is quiet in the morning.
I said somewhere private.
Don't you have, you know, conference rooms and that? People do not come here to make business.
They come to get drunk, eat too much and burn in the sun.
He's come all the way from America.
We can't sit him in some grotty bar with that twat on the piano playing the Birdie Dance.
Right, come on, it's nearly 11 o'clock.
We best not keep him waiting.
Yeah, and when we've realised all this is a con, I can get back on my sunbed and that dwarf and his ten-gallon hat can piss off.
Good morning, y'all.
I hope you slept well.
I know I did.
Morning.
I wasn't talking about you.
Oh, that's quite all right, sir.
I understand.
You were merely concerned for Mrs Harvey's welfare.
Well, not really.
Oh, please, do call me Madge.
It's just quite an unusual situation.
Indeed it is and I have quite a story to tell you.
Yeah, I bet you do.
Young man! We would like a pitcher of lemonade and some olives on that table over there.
Thank you.
Madge, or should I say Mrs Mel Harvey, if you would like to lead the way.
Yes.
Let's start at the very beginning.
A very good place to start.
Shut up.
I am, as you already know, Mr Buck A Roo, one of the leading probate attorneys in the entire state of California, even if I say so myself.
What's a prostate attorney? Probate.
My business is concerned with administering the estates of the deceased.
I don't know what that means.
He works for the dead.
Like Mr Meaker off Rentaghost but with a big hat.
This is for you.
If any of you want a drink, let me know.
What What What is this? It is what you asked for.
A picture of lemonade.
No, a pitcher.
A pitcher of lemonade.
This is a picture of lemonade.
No, a pitcher, a decanter, a carafe, a jug.
Young man, if this is your idea of a joke, I'm afraid that sun is way too high in the sky for messing with your betters! What is he talking about? We'll have the same again, he'll have a glass of lemonade.
He ask if I make a joke and he's the one in fancy dress.
Incredible.
As I was saying, one of my specialised lines of work is finding those entitled to the estates of their distant relatives.
It has taken me a long time to find you, Mrs Harvey.
But as I said in my letter to you, I have some very good news.
So you don't want this? Will you just go away! OK.
OK.
Oh! I do apologise.
I've travelled over 6,000 miles in the last 24 hours.
I have taken so many uppers to stay awake, I was practically high-kicking my way through passport control.
I'll get them drinks.
I'll take them, thanks, pal.
What is wrong with this crazy man? I dunno.
That's what we're trying to find out.
Why does he wear this hat? He is a VPL? He says he's flown round the world to tell Madge she's about to inherit a fortune.
And this is true? Yeah, and I'm Lord Lucan.
There he is, that's him.
The one that looks like Boss Hogg from The Dukes Of Hazzard.
I wonder what he's doing here.
Mateo, what's going on over there? The VPL has come to give the family loads of money.
Oh, and he's made one of them a lord.
What can I tell you? These are crazy times.
Oh, that's woke me up.
A bit fresh, is it? It's lovely once you're in.
I wish I had a Euro for every time I'd said that.
Eh? Nothing.
Why don't you give Mum a ring? Dad? You just don't get it, do you, son? What? Look, Tiger, I know it's not a nice thing to hear, but your mum and I, it's more than just a row.
I think this might be the end of the road for us.
Don't be ridiculous.
You're just as stubborn as each other.
This break will do you both good.
So you accept that we're not together, then? We're on a bit of a break? I just said that.
I think it's a good thing.
Well, what if whilst your mum and I was on this break, some dolly bird came along and tried to chat me up? What do I do then? Yeah, right! Well, thanks, son.
That's done my confidence no end of good.
It was Mel's great-great-grandfather, Ebenezer Harvey, who made his fortune in the California gold rush of 1848.
He kept most of his money in his wife's name, Elvira.
He was obviously a brave man.
I take it you're not married.
Oh, I've been married six times.
I'm beginning to think I'm addicted to wedding cake! Hang on.
Mel's name's not on this family tree.
Precisely, Miss Garvey.
I've been like a catfish in a cul-de-sac, if you'll pardon me mixing my metaphors.
It has taken me a long time, a very long time indeed, to realise that Mel is the missing link.
Hang on! He might not have won any beauty prizes, but that's a bit strong.
Look, the bloodline ends with Calvin "Lucky" Harvey, who died in 1947.
What isn't recorded is Melvin, his son who he fathered out of wedlock as an American soldier in England during World War II.
So Mel was a bastard? I said that for years.
Shut up! This is interesting, unlike you.
Now, Calvin made some very bad investments in his time, culminating in spending the last of his inheritance on five acres of worthless desert land.
He then died in 1947 at the tender age of 29 from a single bite from a Mexican sidewinder.
I know what y'all are wondering.
What's a Mexican sidewinder? I take that back.
I did not know what you were wondering.
It's a type of rattlesnake.
If this desert land was worthless, then why have you flown from America to England to Spain in the last On the button.
But the key word, Mr Garvey, is "was".
The desert land Calvin bought was worthless when he bought it.
But the name of that desert means a lot more now than it did then.
Las Vegas! Oh! Did you hear that, Mother? You own five acres of land in Las Vegas! Five acres upon which a luxury hotel has been built! Bloody hell.
What are we doing sitting here? Hold your horses.
Mr Garvey, let's not let the wind blow up our petticoats.
We're not talking the Bellagio or Caesar's Palace, plus Madge does not own the hotel, only the land that it's built upon.
But that's still good, isn't it? Very good.
It's a small hotel by Vegas standards, but I would estimate, conservative, ballpark figure .
.
$30 million.
No.
None of this is right.
What do you mean it's not right? Of course it's right! Janice, tell her it's right! Mel's father was called Clarence.
He died in 1944 during the Normandy landings.
Clarence was not Melvin's biological father.
Eh? Mel changed his name by deed poll in the 60s to Harvey.
Oh.
It makes me think that he knew more about this story than he was letting on, even though he never spoke about it.
If it was a Mexican rattlesnake, what was it doing in America? I am going to leave y'all with some papers to read.
I have to make a few phone calls.
I realise this is an awful lot of information for y'all to take in.
But there is no time like the present.
I shall return a little later with a proposed plan of action.
Ladies, sir, I'll see y'all presently.
So do you still think it's all a big con? $30 million? Can't be right.
Actually, Mexico is quite near to America.
So maybe it was just lost.
Are you still banging on about that? What do you think? What, about the snake? No, about all this.
I don't know what to make of it.
I don't know what to make of any of it.
Hola.
Is there anything I can get for you? Drinks? High-quality nibbles? Maybe a British newspaper? Sorry about that.
I must've nodded off.
Glynn? Glynn, are you all right? - How long have I been here? - Oh, about three hours! Sorry.
Them three glasses of wine knocked me flat out.
Did you fall asleep, as well? No, I've been chanting.
Oh! I'm a semi-practising Buddhist.
Semi? Yes.
I don't know that much about the religion, but I do enjoy the chanting.
Shall I get us a drink? No, please, Jacqueline, sit down, would you? I want to lay my cards directly on the table.
My wife, Rhiannon, has always been very popular.
Oh, that's good.
No, it isn't good.
I don't mean in a social sense.
I mean, well, she's a loose woman.
I think Donald mentioned something about her being able to do the splits.
No! I don't mean Did he? What I mean to say is, we've had our problems in the past with her .
.
wandering eye.
You mean like a lazy eye? No! I mean she puts it about.
Oh, I see.
And, well, I've always turned a blind eye.
To her wandering eye? Yes.
But it's started to get out of control, so I thought why not put it out there, in the open? For everyone to have a go on it? Yes! No! I mean the subject.
So I suggested the swinging thing and she almost bit my hand off.
Then we answered your advert for the wife swap and here we are.
But if you weren't sure about the wife swap, why did you suggest doing it on holiday? Rhiannon and I live in a very small town in South Wales where you can't fart without it getting into the local press, pardon my French.
Glynn, I just need to know what you want to do.
I think my point is I've made my bed and now I must lie in it.
I'm here for a week.
I'm just going to grit my teeth and ride it out.
Donald once said something similar.
I'm pretty sure once Rhiannon has got this out of her system, we can go back to being a normal happily married couple.
But for me, I'd prefer our relationship to be purely platonic.
Well, I knew that.
Did you? Of course! And you don't mind? Why should I? To be honest, I'm not that fussy when it comes to men, or women.
But I must admit, I do like a bit more meat on the bone.
No offence.
Now, talking of meat, I think it's time for a burger! I'm vegetarian.
Oh, you'll be all right.
I think they do them with cheese, as well.
See you out there.
Then the little guy in the hat tell them they are worth $3 million.
That can't be right.
I thought you said 30? That's ridiculous! There you are! Your lunch hour is finished.
I've got another ten minutes.
Since when were you in a rush? Since I rang Psychic Sue and organised a seance tonight.
You're joking.
What is seance? It's where you all sit in the dark, join hands and try and contact the dead.
Why do you do this? There are enough people here who are nearly dead.
You can talk to them any time.
Come on! All right, I'm coming! Eight o'clock.
Blow And Go.
What about this, then? Half price tickets to Paralysis.
What the hell is Paralysis? It's one of them big clubs up on the motorway.
Dad, you're in your 50s.
All right.
Keep it down.
I thought you might enjoy it.
It don't open until 3am.
That must be a printing mistake.
Dad, clubs like this open at 3am and close at midday.
Really? What's all that about, then? And the only tunes they play are what you call drug music.
Well, I thought it might make a change from what you get in the club here.
Engelbert Humperdinck and that lot.
True.
So you wanna go to Paralysis, then? I'll give Mikey a shout.
We could both meet you at reception at say, what, 5am? We don't wanna be the first there, do we? No, I think I'll give Paralysis a miss tonight.
We'll do the Benidorm usual.
Paralytic.
Nice one.
Is there anybody there? Knock once for yes or twice for no.
Jesus Christ! What the hell are you playing at? I nearly shat myself! Have you had a power cut? Cos we're OK out here.
No! What do you want? What's going on? Nothing.
Then why are your lights off? Oh! Come in, then! I am having a seance.
A seance? Yeah.
What, here? Yeah.
When? Tonight.
Who are you trying to contact? Never you mind, you nosy get! Now, look! I could give you permission for this foray into the occult, on one condition.
I don't need your permission.
Go on, piss off! I think you might need me.
What? I've been used as a tool before.
Oh, why doesn't that surprise me? Out! Listen! My father was a psychic medium but he could only contact the spirit world if I was in the room.
You're not making any sense.
Let's just say the afterlife is Channel 5, the psychic is the television, but I'm the antenna.
How much have you had to drink today? Nothing! Well, apart from a couple with my lunch.
Just go, will you? Psst.
If you wanna come to the seance, be here tonight at eight o'clock.
Yes, no problem.
I'll be here.
What the frig's Channel 5 got to do with anything? Pardon me.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
It's Mr La Roo, isn't it? My name is Roo, no La.
Roo La-La.
No, my surname is Roo.
But you can call me Buck.
Oh, how kind.
I'm Joyce.
Well, good day to you, Joyce.
Do let me know if I can be of any assistance in whatever you're doing here.
I don't mean that in a prying way.
Thank you.
You've been a most gracious host.
It's none of our business what you're doing here.
Well, in that, we are agreed.
Suffice it to say, if you do feel the need to include someone as, oh, I don't know, an independent witness to legal matters, please feel free to call upon my services.
My dear Joyce, I have an old Tennessee saying that I would like to share with you.
How wonderful.
The mountain air smells much sweeter when you keep your nose out of other people's poop.
Right, shall I tell him? No, I'll do it.
I do apologise for needing that untimely repose, but I've been flying all over Europe like a fish crow with four sets of wings.
I'm not signing anything.
Mrs Harvey, I understand your apprehension.
But do you really think I would have travelled halfway across the world if it was all humbug and I was some kind of flimflammer? I'm sorry, love, it's just my mother's been through all this before.
She nearly married this fella who said he had money belonging to Mel.
So, well, she doesn't want to go through it all again, do you? No, I bloody well don't.
Well, as handsome a woman as you are, Miss Harvey, and although I have indeed been won over by your not inconsiderable charms, I wasn't thinking of asking you to jump the broomstick just yet.
My dear friends, I can understand your misgivings.
This is, for sure, one crazy old tale.
But I do have a solution.
How many days of your vacation do you have remaining? We've just got here.
Why? Let's all go to Vegas.
Oh, my God, yeah! You what? Let's all go to Vegas and see what's due to y'all.
Go to Las Vegas? When? Well, I took the liberty of checking flights.
We could leave for London tonight, fly to Vegas in the morning, first class! All at my expense, naturally.
Please! I've always wanted to go to Vegas! All right, that's enough! I don't know who you are, what you want, but she's been through enough.
She doesn't need you messing her around with stories of million-pound fortunes, trips to Vegas and all that bollocks.
Just leave us alone.
Mr Garvey, I can assure you Just leave us to get on with our holiday.
OK.
I understand.
This is an awfully big adventure and a lot to take in.
If you change your minds, you've got my number.
Yeah, we've got your number all right.
Hasta luego, as they say around these parts.
Excuse me ma'am.
Can you order me a cab? Nee problem.
Brilliant.
The one chance we get to do something interesting and you say no.
Right.
I think we could all do with a drink.
Mm.
Mam? Mam? Yeah.
Let's go.
Now, you know not to give her any information, don't you? She already knows our address.
She's a regular.
I don't mean that.
I mean any information she could use to pretend she's in touch with the spirit world.
There's a lot of charlatans out there.
It's all rubbish, I've told him.
Not entirely.
I once helped my father get in touch with an Egyptian queen.
Well, times have moved on, we have Grindr for things like that now.
Wait! I can sense a knocking sound! I think somebody's trying to get in touch.
We all sensed it, you daft cow, it's Sue! Let her in, Liam.
There's a very heavy presence .
.
hanging in the air.
Sorry about that.
Liam had a kebab for his dinner.
I told you to eat it outside.
Ohhh! The vibrations are strong! They're very strong already.
I've never sensed such an atmosphere so heavy with the afterlife.
I told you! That'll be me! Shut up, you! Come and sit down, Sue! Ohhh! Are you all right, love? Did you jog here? Ohhh! Kenneth.
Kenneth, there's someone trying to come through already.
I have to mention, I do make a small charge for my services.
Oh, here we go.
Zip it, you! Of course, Sue.
I entirely understand.
Who've you got coming through, Ronnie Biggs? True psychic ability does require some form of recompense.
My father was once penetrated by Genghis Khan.
He was laid up for days.
We'll sort the money out later.
Can we get on with it? As long as you don't forget.
Ohhhh.
I don't suppose I could have a large brandy? That's all she's come for.
Money and a free bar.
Liam! Where's your manners? Joyce, do you think we could have a Joyce? Joyce! Ohh! Who is it? Did somebody come through? She wants a brandy.
Oh, yes, of course.
I'll have one, too.
Four brandies.
I don't like it.
I never asked you what you want.
Two are for me.
Psst.
Psst.
Do excuse me for just a moment, Sue.
What do you want? She's only here for what she can get out of you.
She's about as psychic as I am.
This is a gifted woman whose only interest is to reunite people with their dear departed relatives.
Do as you're told! Ohhh.
Ooooh.
Ahhhh.
I am sorry about that, Sue.
He won't be a minute.
Ahhhhh.
Ohhhh.
I'm quite peckish.
I don't suppose you've got anything to eat, have you? # Good morning, miss # Can I help you, son? # 16 today and up for fun # I'm a big boy now or so they say # So serve me, I'll be on my way # Box of balloons I've not seen sight nor sound of his wife, have you? What do you think's gone on? Mick.
I don't know, do I? Ask our Michael.
What do you reckon, Mam? Do you think they've split up? Mam.
Well, I don't know.
Hey, Michael, what's going on with them? Why isn't his wife here? Have you not spoken to your mate? Yeah.
Well? That's their business.
You wouldn't like it if everyone was gossiping about you.
Fat chance of that.
Nothing to gossip about.
# I'm up today, got a date today, so serve me, I'll be on my way # Welcome to the house of fun, now I've come of age Same one again? Yes, thanks, love.
The big man with the red face, he's not with you tonight? My husband? No.
He's gone off with a woman from Merthyr Tydfil.
OK.
I am sorry to hear this.
Do you want to sit at the singles table? No.
The woman who my husband is staying with, well, her husband is staying with me.
I'm sorry I asked.
Yeah.
I'm starting to feel the same way.
Do you fancy giving us a song, Madge? Yeah.
Put my down for What Kind Of Fool Am I? - Sammy Davis Jr.
Well, you've got the look but have you got the voice? Mick! I'm only trying to lighten the mood! What was that one Mel used to like? Boulevard Of Broken Dreams? Mother, why are you being like this? You've done a good thing.
You were about to be ripped off but you saw it coming and put a stop to it.
I'll tell you why.
Because all the time I felt Mel's presence.
I actually felt him guiding me, telling me what to do.
And I bet I know what he was saying.
Go on.
"Don't let the short-arse bastard pull the wool over your eyes, princess, we've been done before.
" Is that an impression of Mel? Yeah.
Sounded like you were constipated.
Yes, that's exactly what he's been saying.
Thanks, son.
I'll drink to that.
Here's to Mel.
To Mel.
Give that book here.
I think I will do a song, Janice.
Yep, fire away.
Er I Lost My Heart In San Francisco.
No To A Starship Trooper.
It was one of Mel's favourites.
I shall look forward to that.
Er, same again, please, son.
Ohhh.
Ohhhhh.
I'm here.
Is that you, Mother? Ohhh.
You're not making any sense.
Nooo.
You need to stop, need to stop him.
Need to stop who? I was wrong, princess! You need to go with him, you need to get the money.
Las Vegas, princess! You must go to Las Vegas! What money? Ohhh! You must! Who are you? Oh, just piss off, I wanna speak to my mother! Oh, my God, she's dead.
She isn't dead, she's just exhausted.
I remember my father was occupied by Liberace for three hours in the late 80s.
He was like a wet rag by the end of it.
Well, he would be.
Ohh! Ohh, that's it.
Oh, I can't do any more.
What do you mean, that's it? Did you get to speak to your mother? No, I bloody well didn't! Who came through? They were very persistent.
We have no idea, you were just banging on about Las Vegas.
Las Vegas? Well, was your mother born in Las Vegas? Yeah! She's probably trying to get in touch with my brothers, Siegfried & Roy.
Really? No, you daft cow! What a waste of time.
Oh, well, I'm going to have to go home now because I am absolutely shattered.
Oh, brilliant! I usually charge but as you've only really had half a session, I'll come down to 25.
You drank that much in brandy! And high-quality nibbles.
Do you mean you are not going to pay me? For what? A few gurgles and the worst Elvis impression in Benidorm.
And there's a few contenders.
Yeah.
Well, you can kiss goodbye to my custom here, then! Oh, God, what will we do without your 6 Euros for a shampoo and set once a month? Call in the receivers! Well, I'll see myself out, then.
Do! And don't bother coming back cos you're barred.
But being a brilliant psychic, you probably already knew that.
Get out! Ooh! What a washout that was.
Sorry.
I told you it was all rubbish.
I know, love.
If only my father was alive, he could've introduced you to as many dead people as you want.
I'm sorry, Mrs Temple-Savage, but I don't agree.
There's no such thing as ghosts, things that go bump in the night.
It's just our desperate need to keep loving those no longer with us.
The dead are just that - dead.
Gone but hopefully not forgotten.
Yeah.
You're right.
If the dead could speak, I'd hope they'd do more than make a middle- aged woman speak in a funny voice.
# I lost my heart to a starship trooper # Oooohhhh # Tell me, Captain Strange, won't you be my lover? # You're the best thing that I've ever discovered # Flash Gordon's left me, he's gone to the stars # An evil Darth Vader had me banished to Mars Oi, have you seen Temple-Savage? No, she has not been here tonight.
What is the problem? It's no problem.
She just asked me to do an internet search on that fella that was here, Buck A Roo.
Oh, yeah? Turns out it was his real name.
Hey, how did you lot get on with your mate? What mate? Buck.
Did he find your money? Oh, my God.
What's the matter? My dad told him to piss off.
# Requesting your position, it's their final demand # You're turning up, ah, ah # But if you're gonna take me Get off! Get off the stage! Oh, piss off, it's not your turn! What's going on? Leave her alone! I've put your down for Sex On Fire.
It's real! What? The little Oompa Loompa fella! What you going on about? The money! Vegas! It's all real! Oh, my God.
Mother, where's your phone? I deleted his number! You've got his card.
I chucked it away! Oh, my God! Come on! Here, Janice, help me! Help me! Come on! Come on! Let's go! Oi! Wait! I can't run as fast as you! Anyway, as I was saying, I was thinking of going to Paraplegic tonight if you fancied it.
Excuse me.
It's a club.
It starts late, but all the banging places do.
Oh, you're here, hiding behind the pillar.
I've been sitting there on my own.
I wasn't hiding.
This is, er, my mate, Tiger.
Hello, Tiger.
This the one you wanted to have a threesome with? Er, no, no.
What? That's my dad! Your dad? You said you were 38.
He's 52! Listen, son, go and sit over there, I'll be with you in a minute.
And leave you with this old slapper? I beg your pardon! He's married.
You said you were divorced! Just shut up.
Are you gonna let him speak to me like that? You said you were divorced! I'm separated.
Howay! Break it up! Break it up! You know, you're a very accommodating woman, Jacqueline.
You what? You're very understanding to your husband's needs.
Well, we're just very secure in our relationship.
Yes, yes, I realise that now.
I've never been unfaithful to my wife.
Right.
I've always been totally monogamous through choice.
Just not my choice.
When Rhiannon went on her first weaving holiday, I must admit, I had my suspicions about her intentions, and in a fit of jealous rage, I tried it on with our neighbour, Bethan.
And do you know what she did? She laughed.
She took one look at me and laughed.
Am I that much of a joke? Maybe she thought you weren't serious.
Well, I'm serious now.
I'm going upstairs and all I'm saying is I won't be pulling the wardrobe in front of the door.
Not this time.
That's all I'm saying.
Your friend, he does not want roly-poly? He does, but he won't be getting it from me.
I think I should've changed my shoes.
We haven't got time to change bloody shoes.
I don't know, do I? You could always write a letter to them.
Excuse me, I need to get through there.
May I see your boarding pass? We don't have them.
Can I just go through for five minutes? You have to collect boarding passes first.
We haven't got any tickets.
Then why are you here? Just get out of our way! Jobsworths like you have brought the Spanish economy to its knees! Nice one, Madge Paxman.
He's there! Mr Mr Roo! Can I just go through? No, no.
Please? I beg you! You are not allowed! He's coming.
Our friend's coming now.
You came! Oh, I'm so sorry we said what we said.
It's just that you told us Are they coming in or are you going out? Oh, I do, do apologise.
Ohh.
Oh, we really didn't mean to send you packing like that.
It's just that everything you said sounded so unbelievable.
No call for an apology.
I've been through this many times.
Then someone showed me your bits on the internet.
That sounded wrong.
My dear friends, I cannot tell you how gratifying it is to see you again.
I'm in a strange business.
It's wonderful but a very strange business.
Lots of travel, an awful lot of hard work, but it commonly results in the same conclusion.
I make people's dreams come true.
Come with me, will you, on this fantastic journey? You all right, Mam? Mel.
Mel always said he'd look after me.
He said he'd look after us all.
And I never doubted him.
I never doubted him.
Ever.
Come here.
So, er, how much money are we talking about? I know you said millions.
For certain, we don't know yet.
But I can give you my personal guarantee on one consideration.
What's that? You will all live happily ever after.
Tickets! Tickets! Do you think he wants me to be his wife number seven? Hey, is that champagne? Oh, for God's sake, one glass.
I'm nearly 16.
I'm not bothered about that, I just don't wanna have to pay for it.
Don't worry, Mr Garvey.
This trip is what you might call all-inclusive.
Do you think we'll ever go back to Benidorm, Mam? Who knows? Never say never.
- I'll drink to that.
- Cheers! You've got your final team, my friend.
Geoff Maltby, AKA The Oracle.
And I'm Noreen.
I'm And she's my PA! Let's do this.
I slept in.
Er, I'll see you downstairs.
Don't come to the room.
There's been an accident.
Erm I mean, just a spillage.
I'll see you down by the pool.
Hello, darling? I think you'd better wake up.
They wanna clean the room and I'm leaving today, so Aghhh! What's wrong with you? I thought you were You thought I was what? Why are you dressed like that? Have you lost your mind? Why are you dressed like that? Oh, my God! You forgot about everything and you thought you'd scored.
Shut up! Look at the state of you! Don't you remember the fancy dress party we crashed? No, I don't.
Why didn't you sleep in your own room? Couldn't find my key.
I must've left it in my handbag.
Come here, give me a kiss.
Get out of it! Go down and get another key.
All right.
I'll see you downstairs.
Yeah, all right.
How! Get out of it! What are you both doing in here? Well, I'm riding a bike and she's baking a cake.
Janice, he knows what I mean.
Tell him.
Tell him what? What are you on about? Buck A Roo! No, thanks.
But I'll have a game of underwater Twister if you go first.
Mr Roo said to meet him in reception at 11 o'clock.
It's only half ten! Oh, come on! Put on a pair of long trousers and get a shave! That's my wife you're talking to.
Just calm down, mother! He can come up here and talk to us.
You're gonna show me up.
I knew you would.
This man's come all the way from America! So walking here from reception won't seem that long.
Leave a message to meet us here.
I will.
And when he tells us about this inheritance, you lot can go whistle for it.
There is no inheritance! When will you listen? It's all a scam! How can it be a scam? You met him for yourself last night.
He's a top American lawyer.
I met him for 30 seconds.
He could be a dustman from Wigan.
He's got an American accent! Yeah, so did my Uncle Wally.
He also kept ferrets down his trousers and used to bark at traffic.
Sod the pair of ya.
Hey! Hang on! I've said nothing.
Mother! Oh! Why do you have to wind her up? What else is there to do? Hm? It's not actually a smoking room and there's no balcony.
But if you hang your head out the window and make sure your tab ends don't fall in the pool, everything will be hunky-dory! Er, Lesley.
This booking for two nights.
Mr Buck A Roo.
He arrived late last night.
You didn't check him in, did you? No.
Why? You don't think there's something slightly odd? How do you mean? Well, the name! Mr Buck A Roo.
Buckaroo.
What sort of name is that? Well, it is unusual but I've got an Irish aunty and she's called Patty O'Dors.
I mean, it's just the luck of the draw, isn't it? And look at the notes.
"Will not be staying second night, room is to freshen up only.
" Now, that is strange.
Why pay for an extra night when you can have a lick and a promise in the bogs? I wasn't going to put it quite like that, but yes, exactly.
Excuse me.
Can I get a replacement key for room 601, please? No prob.
And do something about your hair! Cheeky cow! There's nothing wrong with my hair, is there? It's better than mine, mate.
Who said the woman who can look inside herself has true beauty? Sticky Vicky! Jacqueline, I feel I owe you an apology.
Apology? Yes.
My conduct last night.
I feel the need to clear the air.
Do you want a drink? I'm just on the day wine cos it's only early.
No, no, I need a clear head.
Plus it's only ten to 11.
Do you mind if we go inside? I find the sun quite bothersome.
Oh, I was just starting to get a tan.
If you don't mind.
I'll get my things together.
I'll see you in reception.
Ohh, just five more minutes.
I'm getting a very strong sense .
.
of a woman in a past life .
.
with the letter B.
Sue, how many times have I told you? I'm not into all that stuff.
A very tall, overpowering woman with big hair and a cleavage that could stop traffic.
No! Oh! She's trying so hard to come through.
She's saying "It's time for you to sort out those photos in that shoebox covered in wallpaper.
" I don't know any tall, dead women with big hair and even bigger cleavage.
And I don't have any photos in a shoebox.
What do you think of them nails? Oh, they're lovely! Can I pay at the end of the week? As usual.
Now think about what I said.
It might come to you.
The great Psychic Sue is never wrong.
Thanks, Sue.
See you at the end of the week.
See ya, Kev.
See ya, love.
Honestly, can you believe people are actually taken in by that? That woman she was describing, it's my mother, Brenda.
The letter B.
Oh, it's probably just a lucky guess.
What about the photos? Even easier.
She was sitting there watching you looking at your photos.
How do you explain this, then? So what we really need, you know, is somewhere private where we can talk to this fella.
Maybe you go to Ragtime's.
It is quiet in the morning.
I said somewhere private.
Don't you have, you know, conference rooms and that? People do not come here to make business.
They come to get drunk, eat too much and burn in the sun.
He's come all the way from America.
We can't sit him in some grotty bar with that twat on the piano playing the Birdie Dance.
Right, come on, it's nearly 11 o'clock.
We best not keep him waiting.
Yeah, and when we've realised all this is a con, I can get back on my sunbed and that dwarf and his ten-gallon hat can piss off.
Good morning, y'all.
I hope you slept well.
I know I did.
Morning.
I wasn't talking about you.
Oh, that's quite all right, sir.
I understand.
You were merely concerned for Mrs Harvey's welfare.
Well, not really.
Oh, please, do call me Madge.
It's just quite an unusual situation.
Indeed it is and I have quite a story to tell you.
Yeah, I bet you do.
Young man! We would like a pitcher of lemonade and some olives on that table over there.
Thank you.
Madge, or should I say Mrs Mel Harvey, if you would like to lead the way.
Yes.
Let's start at the very beginning.
A very good place to start.
Shut up.
I am, as you already know, Mr Buck A Roo, one of the leading probate attorneys in the entire state of California, even if I say so myself.
What's a prostate attorney? Probate.
My business is concerned with administering the estates of the deceased.
I don't know what that means.
He works for the dead.
Like Mr Meaker off Rentaghost but with a big hat.
This is for you.
If any of you want a drink, let me know.
What What What is this? It is what you asked for.
A picture of lemonade.
No, a pitcher.
A pitcher of lemonade.
This is a picture of lemonade.
No, a pitcher, a decanter, a carafe, a jug.
Young man, if this is your idea of a joke, I'm afraid that sun is way too high in the sky for messing with your betters! What is he talking about? We'll have the same again, he'll have a glass of lemonade.
He ask if I make a joke and he's the one in fancy dress.
Incredible.
As I was saying, one of my specialised lines of work is finding those entitled to the estates of their distant relatives.
It has taken me a long time to find you, Mrs Harvey.
But as I said in my letter to you, I have some very good news.
So you don't want this? Will you just go away! OK.
OK.
Oh! I do apologise.
I've travelled over 6,000 miles in the last 24 hours.
I have taken so many uppers to stay awake, I was practically high-kicking my way through passport control.
I'll get them drinks.
I'll take them, thanks, pal.
What is wrong with this crazy man? I dunno.
That's what we're trying to find out.
Why does he wear this hat? He is a VPL? He says he's flown round the world to tell Madge she's about to inherit a fortune.
And this is true? Yeah, and I'm Lord Lucan.
There he is, that's him.
The one that looks like Boss Hogg from The Dukes Of Hazzard.
I wonder what he's doing here.
Mateo, what's going on over there? The VPL has come to give the family loads of money.
Oh, and he's made one of them a lord.
What can I tell you? These are crazy times.
Oh, that's woke me up.
A bit fresh, is it? It's lovely once you're in.
I wish I had a Euro for every time I'd said that.
Eh? Nothing.
Why don't you give Mum a ring? Dad? You just don't get it, do you, son? What? Look, Tiger, I know it's not a nice thing to hear, but your mum and I, it's more than just a row.
I think this might be the end of the road for us.
Don't be ridiculous.
You're just as stubborn as each other.
This break will do you both good.
So you accept that we're not together, then? We're on a bit of a break? I just said that.
I think it's a good thing.
Well, what if whilst your mum and I was on this break, some dolly bird came along and tried to chat me up? What do I do then? Yeah, right! Well, thanks, son.
That's done my confidence no end of good.
It was Mel's great-great-grandfather, Ebenezer Harvey, who made his fortune in the California gold rush of 1848.
He kept most of his money in his wife's name, Elvira.
He was obviously a brave man.
I take it you're not married.
Oh, I've been married six times.
I'm beginning to think I'm addicted to wedding cake! Hang on.
Mel's name's not on this family tree.
Precisely, Miss Garvey.
I've been like a catfish in a cul-de-sac, if you'll pardon me mixing my metaphors.
It has taken me a long time, a very long time indeed, to realise that Mel is the missing link.
Hang on! He might not have won any beauty prizes, but that's a bit strong.
Look, the bloodline ends with Calvin "Lucky" Harvey, who died in 1947.
What isn't recorded is Melvin, his son who he fathered out of wedlock as an American soldier in England during World War II.
So Mel was a bastard? I said that for years.
Shut up! This is interesting, unlike you.
Now, Calvin made some very bad investments in his time, culminating in spending the last of his inheritance on five acres of worthless desert land.
He then died in 1947 at the tender age of 29 from a single bite from a Mexican sidewinder.
I know what y'all are wondering.
What's a Mexican sidewinder? I take that back.
I did not know what you were wondering.
It's a type of rattlesnake.
If this desert land was worthless, then why have you flown from America to England to Spain in the last On the button.
But the key word, Mr Garvey, is "was".
The desert land Calvin bought was worthless when he bought it.
But the name of that desert means a lot more now than it did then.
Las Vegas! Oh! Did you hear that, Mother? You own five acres of land in Las Vegas! Five acres upon which a luxury hotel has been built! Bloody hell.
What are we doing sitting here? Hold your horses.
Mr Garvey, let's not let the wind blow up our petticoats.
We're not talking the Bellagio or Caesar's Palace, plus Madge does not own the hotel, only the land that it's built upon.
But that's still good, isn't it? Very good.
It's a small hotel by Vegas standards, but I would estimate, conservative, ballpark figure .
.
$30 million.
No.
None of this is right.
What do you mean it's not right? Of course it's right! Janice, tell her it's right! Mel's father was called Clarence.
He died in 1944 during the Normandy landings.
Clarence was not Melvin's biological father.
Eh? Mel changed his name by deed poll in the 60s to Harvey.
Oh.
It makes me think that he knew more about this story than he was letting on, even though he never spoke about it.
If it was a Mexican rattlesnake, what was it doing in America? I am going to leave y'all with some papers to read.
I have to make a few phone calls.
I realise this is an awful lot of information for y'all to take in.
But there is no time like the present.
I shall return a little later with a proposed plan of action.
Ladies, sir, I'll see y'all presently.
So do you still think it's all a big con? $30 million? Can't be right.
Actually, Mexico is quite near to America.
So maybe it was just lost.
Are you still banging on about that? What do you think? What, about the snake? No, about all this.
I don't know what to make of it.
I don't know what to make of any of it.
Hola.
Is there anything I can get for you? Drinks? High-quality nibbles? Maybe a British newspaper? Sorry about that.
I must've nodded off.
Glynn? Glynn, are you all right? - How long have I been here? - Oh, about three hours! Sorry.
Them three glasses of wine knocked me flat out.
Did you fall asleep, as well? No, I've been chanting.
Oh! I'm a semi-practising Buddhist.
Semi? Yes.
I don't know that much about the religion, but I do enjoy the chanting.
Shall I get us a drink? No, please, Jacqueline, sit down, would you? I want to lay my cards directly on the table.
My wife, Rhiannon, has always been very popular.
Oh, that's good.
No, it isn't good.
I don't mean in a social sense.
I mean, well, she's a loose woman.
I think Donald mentioned something about her being able to do the splits.
No! I don't mean Did he? What I mean to say is, we've had our problems in the past with her .
.
wandering eye.
You mean like a lazy eye? No! I mean she puts it about.
Oh, I see.
And, well, I've always turned a blind eye.
To her wandering eye? Yes.
But it's started to get out of control, so I thought why not put it out there, in the open? For everyone to have a go on it? Yes! No! I mean the subject.
So I suggested the swinging thing and she almost bit my hand off.
Then we answered your advert for the wife swap and here we are.
But if you weren't sure about the wife swap, why did you suggest doing it on holiday? Rhiannon and I live in a very small town in South Wales where you can't fart without it getting into the local press, pardon my French.
Glynn, I just need to know what you want to do.
I think my point is I've made my bed and now I must lie in it.
I'm here for a week.
I'm just going to grit my teeth and ride it out.
Donald once said something similar.
I'm pretty sure once Rhiannon has got this out of her system, we can go back to being a normal happily married couple.
But for me, I'd prefer our relationship to be purely platonic.
Well, I knew that.
Did you? Of course! And you don't mind? Why should I? To be honest, I'm not that fussy when it comes to men, or women.
But I must admit, I do like a bit more meat on the bone.
No offence.
Now, talking of meat, I think it's time for a burger! I'm vegetarian.
Oh, you'll be all right.
I think they do them with cheese, as well.
See you out there.
Then the little guy in the hat tell them they are worth $3 million.
That can't be right.
I thought you said 30? That's ridiculous! There you are! Your lunch hour is finished.
I've got another ten minutes.
Since when were you in a rush? Since I rang Psychic Sue and organised a seance tonight.
You're joking.
What is seance? It's where you all sit in the dark, join hands and try and contact the dead.
Why do you do this? There are enough people here who are nearly dead.
You can talk to them any time.
Come on! All right, I'm coming! Eight o'clock.
Blow And Go.
What about this, then? Half price tickets to Paralysis.
What the hell is Paralysis? It's one of them big clubs up on the motorway.
Dad, you're in your 50s.
All right.
Keep it down.
I thought you might enjoy it.
It don't open until 3am.
That must be a printing mistake.
Dad, clubs like this open at 3am and close at midday.
Really? What's all that about, then? And the only tunes they play are what you call drug music.
Well, I thought it might make a change from what you get in the club here.
Engelbert Humperdinck and that lot.
True.
So you wanna go to Paralysis, then? I'll give Mikey a shout.
We could both meet you at reception at say, what, 5am? We don't wanna be the first there, do we? No, I think I'll give Paralysis a miss tonight.
We'll do the Benidorm usual.
Paralytic.
Nice one.
Is there anybody there? Knock once for yes or twice for no.
Jesus Christ! What the hell are you playing at? I nearly shat myself! Have you had a power cut? Cos we're OK out here.
No! What do you want? What's going on? Nothing.
Then why are your lights off? Oh! Come in, then! I am having a seance.
A seance? Yeah.
What, here? Yeah.
When? Tonight.
Who are you trying to contact? Never you mind, you nosy get! Now, look! I could give you permission for this foray into the occult, on one condition.
I don't need your permission.
Go on, piss off! I think you might need me.
What? I've been used as a tool before.
Oh, why doesn't that surprise me? Out! Listen! My father was a psychic medium but he could only contact the spirit world if I was in the room.
You're not making any sense.
Let's just say the afterlife is Channel 5, the psychic is the television, but I'm the antenna.
How much have you had to drink today? Nothing! Well, apart from a couple with my lunch.
Just go, will you? Psst.
If you wanna come to the seance, be here tonight at eight o'clock.
Yes, no problem.
I'll be here.
What the frig's Channel 5 got to do with anything? Pardon me.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
It's Mr La Roo, isn't it? My name is Roo, no La.
Roo La-La.
No, my surname is Roo.
But you can call me Buck.
Oh, how kind.
I'm Joyce.
Well, good day to you, Joyce.
Do let me know if I can be of any assistance in whatever you're doing here.
I don't mean that in a prying way.
Thank you.
You've been a most gracious host.
It's none of our business what you're doing here.
Well, in that, we are agreed.
Suffice it to say, if you do feel the need to include someone as, oh, I don't know, an independent witness to legal matters, please feel free to call upon my services.
My dear Joyce, I have an old Tennessee saying that I would like to share with you.
How wonderful.
The mountain air smells much sweeter when you keep your nose out of other people's poop.
Right, shall I tell him? No, I'll do it.
I do apologise for needing that untimely repose, but I've been flying all over Europe like a fish crow with four sets of wings.
I'm not signing anything.
Mrs Harvey, I understand your apprehension.
But do you really think I would have travelled halfway across the world if it was all humbug and I was some kind of flimflammer? I'm sorry, love, it's just my mother's been through all this before.
She nearly married this fella who said he had money belonging to Mel.
So, well, she doesn't want to go through it all again, do you? No, I bloody well don't.
Well, as handsome a woman as you are, Miss Harvey, and although I have indeed been won over by your not inconsiderable charms, I wasn't thinking of asking you to jump the broomstick just yet.
My dear friends, I can understand your misgivings.
This is, for sure, one crazy old tale.
But I do have a solution.
How many days of your vacation do you have remaining? We've just got here.
Why? Let's all go to Vegas.
Oh, my God, yeah! You what? Let's all go to Vegas and see what's due to y'all.
Go to Las Vegas? When? Well, I took the liberty of checking flights.
We could leave for London tonight, fly to Vegas in the morning, first class! All at my expense, naturally.
Please! I've always wanted to go to Vegas! All right, that's enough! I don't know who you are, what you want, but she's been through enough.
She doesn't need you messing her around with stories of million-pound fortunes, trips to Vegas and all that bollocks.
Just leave us alone.
Mr Garvey, I can assure you Just leave us to get on with our holiday.
OK.
I understand.
This is an awfully big adventure and a lot to take in.
If you change your minds, you've got my number.
Yeah, we've got your number all right.
Hasta luego, as they say around these parts.
Excuse me ma'am.
Can you order me a cab? Nee problem.
Brilliant.
The one chance we get to do something interesting and you say no.
Right.
I think we could all do with a drink.
Mm.
Mam? Mam? Yeah.
Let's go.
Now, you know not to give her any information, don't you? She already knows our address.
She's a regular.
I don't mean that.
I mean any information she could use to pretend she's in touch with the spirit world.
There's a lot of charlatans out there.
It's all rubbish, I've told him.
Not entirely.
I once helped my father get in touch with an Egyptian queen.
Well, times have moved on, we have Grindr for things like that now.
Wait! I can sense a knocking sound! I think somebody's trying to get in touch.
We all sensed it, you daft cow, it's Sue! Let her in, Liam.
There's a very heavy presence .
.
hanging in the air.
Sorry about that.
Liam had a kebab for his dinner.
I told you to eat it outside.
Ohhh! The vibrations are strong! They're very strong already.
I've never sensed such an atmosphere so heavy with the afterlife.
I told you! That'll be me! Shut up, you! Come and sit down, Sue! Ohhh! Are you all right, love? Did you jog here? Ohhh! Kenneth.
Kenneth, there's someone trying to come through already.
I have to mention, I do make a small charge for my services.
Oh, here we go.
Zip it, you! Of course, Sue.
I entirely understand.
Who've you got coming through, Ronnie Biggs? True psychic ability does require some form of recompense.
My father was once penetrated by Genghis Khan.
He was laid up for days.
We'll sort the money out later.
Can we get on with it? As long as you don't forget.
Ohhhh.
I don't suppose I could have a large brandy? That's all she's come for.
Money and a free bar.
Liam! Where's your manners? Joyce, do you think we could have a Joyce? Joyce! Ohh! Who is it? Did somebody come through? She wants a brandy.
Oh, yes, of course.
I'll have one, too.
Four brandies.
I don't like it.
I never asked you what you want.
Two are for me.
Psst.
Psst.
Do excuse me for just a moment, Sue.
What do you want? She's only here for what she can get out of you.
She's about as psychic as I am.
This is a gifted woman whose only interest is to reunite people with their dear departed relatives.
Do as you're told! Ohhh.
Ooooh.
Ahhhh.
I am sorry about that, Sue.
He won't be a minute.
Ahhhhh.
Ohhhh.
I'm quite peckish.
I don't suppose you've got anything to eat, have you? # Good morning, miss # Can I help you, son? # 16 today and up for fun # I'm a big boy now or so they say # So serve me, I'll be on my way # Box of balloons I've not seen sight nor sound of his wife, have you? What do you think's gone on? Mick.
I don't know, do I? Ask our Michael.
What do you reckon, Mam? Do you think they've split up? Mam.
Well, I don't know.
Hey, Michael, what's going on with them? Why isn't his wife here? Have you not spoken to your mate? Yeah.
Well? That's their business.
You wouldn't like it if everyone was gossiping about you.
Fat chance of that.
Nothing to gossip about.
# I'm up today, got a date today, so serve me, I'll be on my way # Welcome to the house of fun, now I've come of age Same one again? Yes, thanks, love.
The big man with the red face, he's not with you tonight? My husband? No.
He's gone off with a woman from Merthyr Tydfil.
OK.
I am sorry to hear this.
Do you want to sit at the singles table? No.
The woman who my husband is staying with, well, her husband is staying with me.
I'm sorry I asked.
Yeah.
I'm starting to feel the same way.
Do you fancy giving us a song, Madge? Yeah.
Put my down for What Kind Of Fool Am I? - Sammy Davis Jr.
Well, you've got the look but have you got the voice? Mick! I'm only trying to lighten the mood! What was that one Mel used to like? Boulevard Of Broken Dreams? Mother, why are you being like this? You've done a good thing.
You were about to be ripped off but you saw it coming and put a stop to it.
I'll tell you why.
Because all the time I felt Mel's presence.
I actually felt him guiding me, telling me what to do.
And I bet I know what he was saying.
Go on.
"Don't let the short-arse bastard pull the wool over your eyes, princess, we've been done before.
" Is that an impression of Mel? Yeah.
Sounded like you were constipated.
Yes, that's exactly what he's been saying.
Thanks, son.
I'll drink to that.
Here's to Mel.
To Mel.
Give that book here.
I think I will do a song, Janice.
Yep, fire away.
Er I Lost My Heart In San Francisco.
No To A Starship Trooper.
It was one of Mel's favourites.
I shall look forward to that.
Er, same again, please, son.
Ohhh.
Ohhhhh.
I'm here.
Is that you, Mother? Ohhh.
You're not making any sense.
Nooo.
You need to stop, need to stop him.
Need to stop who? I was wrong, princess! You need to go with him, you need to get the money.
Las Vegas, princess! You must go to Las Vegas! What money? Ohhh! You must! Who are you? Oh, just piss off, I wanna speak to my mother! Oh, my God, she's dead.
She isn't dead, she's just exhausted.
I remember my father was occupied by Liberace for three hours in the late 80s.
He was like a wet rag by the end of it.
Well, he would be.
Ohh! Ohh, that's it.
Oh, I can't do any more.
What do you mean, that's it? Did you get to speak to your mother? No, I bloody well didn't! Who came through? They were very persistent.
We have no idea, you were just banging on about Las Vegas.
Las Vegas? Well, was your mother born in Las Vegas? Yeah! She's probably trying to get in touch with my brothers, Siegfried & Roy.
Really? No, you daft cow! What a waste of time.
Oh, well, I'm going to have to go home now because I am absolutely shattered.
Oh, brilliant! I usually charge but as you've only really had half a session, I'll come down to 25.
You drank that much in brandy! And high-quality nibbles.
Do you mean you are not going to pay me? For what? A few gurgles and the worst Elvis impression in Benidorm.
And there's a few contenders.
Yeah.
Well, you can kiss goodbye to my custom here, then! Oh, God, what will we do without your 6 Euros for a shampoo and set once a month? Call in the receivers! Well, I'll see myself out, then.
Do! And don't bother coming back cos you're barred.
But being a brilliant psychic, you probably already knew that.
Get out! Ooh! What a washout that was.
Sorry.
I told you it was all rubbish.
I know, love.
If only my father was alive, he could've introduced you to as many dead people as you want.
I'm sorry, Mrs Temple-Savage, but I don't agree.
There's no such thing as ghosts, things that go bump in the night.
It's just our desperate need to keep loving those no longer with us.
The dead are just that - dead.
Gone but hopefully not forgotten.
Yeah.
You're right.
If the dead could speak, I'd hope they'd do more than make a middle- aged woman speak in a funny voice.
# I lost my heart to a starship trooper # Oooohhhh # Tell me, Captain Strange, won't you be my lover? # You're the best thing that I've ever discovered # Flash Gordon's left me, he's gone to the stars # An evil Darth Vader had me banished to Mars Oi, have you seen Temple-Savage? No, she has not been here tonight.
What is the problem? It's no problem.
She just asked me to do an internet search on that fella that was here, Buck A Roo.
Oh, yeah? Turns out it was his real name.
Hey, how did you lot get on with your mate? What mate? Buck.
Did he find your money? Oh, my God.
What's the matter? My dad told him to piss off.
# Requesting your position, it's their final demand # You're turning up, ah, ah # But if you're gonna take me Get off! Get off the stage! Oh, piss off, it's not your turn! What's going on? Leave her alone! I've put your down for Sex On Fire.
It's real! What? The little Oompa Loompa fella! What you going on about? The money! Vegas! It's all real! Oh, my God.
Mother, where's your phone? I deleted his number! You've got his card.
I chucked it away! Oh, my God! Come on! Here, Janice, help me! Help me! Come on! Come on! Let's go! Oi! Wait! I can't run as fast as you! Anyway, as I was saying, I was thinking of going to Paraplegic tonight if you fancied it.
Excuse me.
It's a club.
It starts late, but all the banging places do.
Oh, you're here, hiding behind the pillar.
I've been sitting there on my own.
I wasn't hiding.
This is, er, my mate, Tiger.
Hello, Tiger.
This the one you wanted to have a threesome with? Er, no, no.
What? That's my dad! Your dad? You said you were 38.
He's 52! Listen, son, go and sit over there, I'll be with you in a minute.
And leave you with this old slapper? I beg your pardon! He's married.
You said you were divorced! Just shut up.
Are you gonna let him speak to me like that? You said you were divorced! I'm separated.
Howay! Break it up! Break it up! You know, you're a very accommodating woman, Jacqueline.
You what? You're very understanding to your husband's needs.
Well, we're just very secure in our relationship.
Yes, yes, I realise that now.
I've never been unfaithful to my wife.
Right.
I've always been totally monogamous through choice.
Just not my choice.
When Rhiannon went on her first weaving holiday, I must admit, I had my suspicions about her intentions, and in a fit of jealous rage, I tried it on with our neighbour, Bethan.
And do you know what she did? She laughed.
She took one look at me and laughed.
Am I that much of a joke? Maybe she thought you weren't serious.
Well, I'm serious now.
I'm going upstairs and all I'm saying is I won't be pulling the wardrobe in front of the door.
Not this time.
That's all I'm saying.
Your friend, he does not want roly-poly? He does, but he won't be getting it from me.
I think I should've changed my shoes.
We haven't got time to change bloody shoes.
I don't know, do I? You could always write a letter to them.
Excuse me, I need to get through there.
May I see your boarding pass? We don't have them.
Can I just go through for five minutes? You have to collect boarding passes first.
We haven't got any tickets.
Then why are you here? Just get out of our way! Jobsworths like you have brought the Spanish economy to its knees! Nice one, Madge Paxman.
He's there! Mr Mr Roo! Can I just go through? No, no.
Please? I beg you! You are not allowed! He's coming.
Our friend's coming now.
You came! Oh, I'm so sorry we said what we said.
It's just that you told us Are they coming in or are you going out? Oh, I do, do apologise.
Ohh.
Oh, we really didn't mean to send you packing like that.
It's just that everything you said sounded so unbelievable.
No call for an apology.
I've been through this many times.
Then someone showed me your bits on the internet.
That sounded wrong.
My dear friends, I cannot tell you how gratifying it is to see you again.
I'm in a strange business.
It's wonderful but a very strange business.
Lots of travel, an awful lot of hard work, but it commonly results in the same conclusion.
I make people's dreams come true.
Come with me, will you, on this fantastic journey? You all right, Mam? Mel.
Mel always said he'd look after me.
He said he'd look after us all.
And I never doubted him.
I never doubted him.
Ever.
Come here.
So, er, how much money are we talking about? I know you said millions.
For certain, we don't know yet.
But I can give you my personal guarantee on one consideration.
What's that? You will all live happily ever after.
Tickets! Tickets! Do you think he wants me to be his wife number seven? Hey, is that champagne? Oh, for God's sake, one glass.
I'm nearly 16.
I'm not bothered about that, I just don't wanna have to pay for it.
Don't worry, Mr Garvey.
This trip is what you might call all-inclusive.
Do you think we'll ever go back to Benidorm, Mam? Who knows? Never say never.
- I'll drink to that.
- Cheers! You've got your final team, my friend.
Geoff Maltby, AKA The Oracle.
And I'm Noreen.
I'm And she's my PA! Let's do this.