Best Friends Forever (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Lennon.
Lennon.
You need to stop what you are doing right now.
Because on lifetime they are screening wait for it - Markie Post - Shut up.
- In a little movie called - Losing Face Both: Facing Yourself.
- Okay.
I just I have to finish Joe's dad's gift before tomorrow, so Okay.
I don't think you're hearing me right now.
This movie only aired once.
I know.
It's like daggers to my heart.
- Why? Because it was Both: So graphic! She gets shot in the face by her ex-husband, and I think there are real lessons to be learned as a recent divorcee.
Jess, there is nothing I would rather do than go in there and eat some poppycock and watch Markie learn to speak and walk again, but I need to smooth out these layers of shellac because it looks like a child painted this thing.
All right, do we think we could maybe be getting a little OCD about this present? Yeah - Maybe.
- Maybe.
Okay.
Joe's dad is gonna get a total retirement boner for this.
It's not his dad I'm worried about.
His mother has very discerning tastes, and I already feel like she doesn't like me That's not possible, because you are a parent's dream.
- Tell that to Marilyn.
- Hey, did I ever tell you that I took a master class with the Harlem Globetrotters? When my dad used to do their books? Like a thousand times.
I was 12, Lennon, but I was the only girl who could do this.
What? Hey, come on, you're gonna mess up the signature.
Who's that? Check the peephole.
That's how Markie lost her face.
- Okay.
- It was like ding-dong.
Puuuh aah! No face.
What? - What's going on? - Joe's parents are here! - What are all these clothes? - I've gotta do the laundry! Whose mail is this?! Oh, God, it's mine.
Oh, the ball, the ball! - I got it! - Get the ball! I got it! Sh Coming! One second.
- Lennon, your areolas.
- What? - I can see your areolas! - I don't have on a bra! - I'm gonna give you mine.
- Okay, okay.
No, there's no time, no time! Ah! Hello! Welcome.
- I'm Jessica.
- No.
And then I moved away, fedexed divorce papers, then I moved back in.
This guy's here oh, what is this guy all about? But now we're all together.
So we're here.
And now you're divorced? Well, not technically, 'cause it just takes some time, you know, for the various papers to get processed You know, bureaucracy.
And you're living here in the meantime.
- Yes, I am.
- Where do you sleep? In Joe's office, um On an aerobed.
Mm-hmm.
It has a hole in it.
So about 3:00, 4:00 A.
M.
, I have to, um Pump it up.
You're forced to just use these chairs as your chest of drawers? Oh! This Don't clean it up on my account.
Oh, this guy ooh.
Hot potato.
I just really didn't want your mother to see my areolas right now.
She should be happy to see them.
- They're gorgeous areolas.
- What happened? I thought I had all day to clean.
I'm sorry They didn't want to stay for the second act, and then when they were dropping me off, my mom insisted they come up.
The living room looks like someone went crazy in there.
Well, we'll just blame it on Jessica.
I mean, she lives like a gerbil, just burrowing down into her shavings.
Well, she told me she's gonna start dealing with her shavings tomorrow, so Okay.
Let's do this.
So sorry about that.
Um does everyone have drinks, or can I Yes, thank you.
Jessica was kind enough to get me some orange juice.
So how was the play? Were your seats okay? Oh, thank you so much for getting us those tickets, Lennon.
They were a bit distant from the stage.
- Oh - She couldn't see Alan Alda's facial expressions.
Well, you know, the reviewer specifically mentioned - Alan Alda's eyebrows.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
We will move your seats closer for tomorrow's show.
- Well.
.
- I'm gonna hit the can.
Show me the ball! All right, look at the signature.
Len really hustled to get this ball for dad.
Patrick Ewing's people must put a restraining order out on her.
And Lennon, show her the stand you made.
- Okay.
- Can you believe her? - She does wood-working.
- Here it is.
It doesn't really need a stand.
All right, uh, well, I will bring this to the party tomorrow, and then if you need me to do anything else, let me know.
Oh, there's a thousand things you can do.
I'll send you an email.
Oh, don't worry, Marilyn.
Between Lennon and I, we got ya covered.
Okay, let's get out of these kids' hair, huh? It's been a long day.
I wanna get these pants off.
All right, cool your jets, Don.
We're going! Joe, I keep forgetting to ask you how are things at work? Work? Joe, you don't have a j - It's going great, mom.
- Are you still in the cubicle next to Charlie who had the baby? Yeah, I am.
I'll walk you guys out.
- Okay? - Okay.
- Nice to meet you.
- Mm-hmm.
Hang on there, Marilyn.
You got a bra on your ass.
- What? - Yeah.
The missing link! Ha ha.
All right.
I can't believe we have to sit through The Lion King.
This is a lot of theater.
Hey, sweet nuts, when are you gonna tell your parents that you quit your job? I thought that you not bringing it up last night meant I got away with it.
Okay, you gotta tell them, 'cause she already doesn't like me.
She's gonna think it was my idea.
Lennon, my mother doesn't like anybody.
She only warmed up to me in my late '20s.
My dad says four words a day: "Where is the can?" Okay, well, do you think that me getting this present together is gonna win me points? You know what will win you some points? What? Break out those sweet areolas again.
- Get out of here.
- Best in Brooklyn.
- Get out of here! - All right.
You gonna meet us at the hotel with the ball? Yeah.
3:45.
I just gotta do all this stuff your mother asked me to do first.
You're never gonna get all that done.
Um yes, I am.
- How? - I don't know.
With these guys? Knockin' out.
Okay, so you're gonna go to Jacques Torres - for the Belgium chocolates.
- And then I get the flowers? Yes.
On your way home from the subway.
And then a singing card? What is this singing card? - It has to be a singing card.
- It's what she wants.
This woman is a piece of work.
She hates me, right? She hates everything about you.
That is true.
But after we are done with her, - she is gonna love ya.
- Okay.
Let me wash your bras, Len.
Take that off your list.
I'm already doing laundry.
Also love to pick up around the house.
- Who lives like this? - Okay, well, don't go crazy, 'cause I still need you to go through your mail.
Okay.
How 'bout I throw in some cinnamon rolls so you have some sustenance? Maybe don't do the cinnamon rolls.
Okay, so bras first, then cinnamon rolls.
Jess, put a pin in the cinnamon rolls.
- No cinnamon rolls.
- Gotta go through your mail.
What? I don't want to open that mail.
- Why? - There's sad stuff in there.
- Okay - Please, Lennon.
Hey.
Why don't you set aside the sad stuff, and we'll go through it tomorrow together.
- Got it.
- Got it.
Why are you going to the freezer? Just gotta get the cinnamon rolls.
- Ah-ah-ah - Just two cinnamon rolls! - No, just put it - Half a roll in a ziploc bag! Hmm.
That's a beautiful side table.
Oh, my God, that's my side table! Oh, no! Okay! Hold on! Hi! Hello.
I think there's been a mistake.
- Are you Jessica Chapman? - Yes, but - Great.
Sign this.
- No, I can't sign that.
'Cause this stuff I can't have this stuff, so we need to get that back on the truck.
No can do, lady.
Today's your day.
You don't understand this is just not a great time.
- Hey, what's going on? - This is my stuff - from San Francisco.
- What? Why is it here today? I don't know! You would have thought they would have told me when it was coming! Check your voice mail, lady.
We called you nine times.
Jessica, is that true? Sounds like it could be true? Lennon, I'm so sorry.
It's just every time I call my voice mail, it's just a bunch of "I'm sorry you got dumped," messages.
- I just can't take it anymore.
- It's fine, let's just get in - so I can get into the city.
- Okay.
Go ahead.
Both: Let us in.
I don't have the key.
- Jessica, I left the key - Please tell me you have the keys right now! Well, is the door upstairs unlocked? 'Cause Queenetta can let us in, right? Jess, please tell me we are not locked out.
I wanna tell you that we are not locked out.
But we might be locked out.
Sam, Sam, I've been very clear that I can't have this today.
You're a very sweet man.
Do you have daughters? What's the point of a locksmith - if you can't get here? - Nana! Lennon, look what happened to Nana! I hope you're moisturizing, 'cause your Nana did not have good skin.
Hey, babe, it's me again.
Can you just call me when you get a second? - Thank you.
Love you.
Bye.
- Molly and Polly Cornhusk! I thought I lost these guys in the divorce! Jess, I need you to focus, because right now we do not have a locksmith, Joe is at The Lion King - Okay, did you call Rav? - Yes! He's not answering his phone, and I'm supposed to be at the hotel in 1 1/2 hours with that ball.
Excuse me.
How much is this China casserole dish? Not for sale! Gimme that, get outta here! Okay, you know what? That's it! Lennon, where are you going? Q, can you watch my stuff? - I need to check my schedule.
- What schedule do you have? Can I sell it? I'm gonna sell it.
No! I said watch it, not sell it! Do not raise your voice to me! Queenetta, please! Okay.
Lennon! Lennon, you get down from there! Shut your mouth.
This is the only good idea we've had all day.
- What are you doing? - I am pulling a 2002, genius.
All right, well, we were a lot smaller back then.
Yeah, well, that's not true, and it's rude.
Lennon, you were a 26.
You're now firmly a 30.
I wear a 29 at Anthropologie, just FYI.
Okay oh, no! What's happening? Lennon, what's happening? Can you see? 'Cause I don't know.
I think your belt loop is caught on the grate.
Be very careful.
Don't hurt your womb.
You know what, I'm gonna grab it, - and then I can just aah! - Aah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you lacerated? - No.
I'm fine.
- What I'm spotting you.
- Listen to me - Oh, my God, - please don't die, Lennon.
- I need you to go - to the firehouse.
- What? No.
You've always wanted to go there now's your chance.
No, Lennon, not dressed like this.
I'm wearing Harvey Rothman's bar mitzvah boxers.
Jess, we have more important problems than your vanity.
Okay, but are you gonna be okay up there? - Yeah, yeah.
- All right.
- Will you answer me one question? - What? How do we make this outfit better? - Can you come into the light? - Yeah.
Do I tuck it in? No, cinch it.
Give yourself a waist.
- Tuck it and cinch it.
- Natural proportions.
Natural proportions.
All right, Lennon, I'll be right back, okay? - Okay, I'll be right here.
- Okay! I'm sorry, ma'am, we don't have any more blankets.
Hey, Rodney, we have any more blankets for that lady from the shelter? Oh, no, I'm not from the shelter.
I the uh, these are my Uh, laund You know what? Doesn't matter.
My best friend is stuck in a fire escape.
Okay.
Uh so I need someone to help.
Yeah.
That sounds good.
Shouldn't you guys be sounding an alarm? I just said my best friend is is stuck in a fire escape.
- She could be dangling or - It's not an emergency, ma'am.
It's a verbal alarm.
You walked into our space, let us know about it, so we'll send someone with you.
We just gotta get the best.
Okay.
Well, should you be walking faster? 'Cause I don't know if you heard me, but my friend is stuck in a fire escape.
Newby! We got a live one for ya! So who are you sending me with? Lieutenant Newby.
One of our best.
Lieutenant Rita Newby.
What can I do for ya? Um, my best friend is stuck in a fire escape.
You know what? Tell me in the truck.
I have a headache.
I didn't know the monkey storyteller was gonna be screaming right into my face.
Do they not have raisinets? So mom, you know that game I've been designing? The link I sent you guys? I think your father browsed it.
Yeah, well, I'm thinking about taking the year off to finish it.
I hope that's a joke, because you don't walk away from a job with benefits in this economy, thank you! Okay, well, I'm just letting you know this might happen, so get on board.
What does Lennon think about all this? She wants me to do whatever makes me happy.
She doesn't want to rattle your cage.
She doesn't want to push you.
Well, guess what.
A good wife pushes her husband.
Or her boyfriend or whatever.
Don! God Yeah.
Hakuna matata, Marilyn.
Where have you been? I was in the can.
Hi! How is everything? I don't know how I'm from this family.
I wish I were adopted.
I wish I was from your family.
No, then you would be my brother.
- What happened? - She's just in a bad mood about the seats being too close.
But she asked me to move them.
- Why does that woman hate me? - Should I not have said that? I shouldn't have said that.
I'm sorry.
- No, it's fine.
- Don't worry, Lennon.
- We're coming up! - What's going on? Um, nothing.
I gotta go.
Lenny? I'm lieutenant Newby.
The best in the biz! All right, now, hold on, hon.
I'm gonna get personal with you for a sec, okay? - Just gonna unhook this - Yeah.
Okay.
I'm gonna lift you.
I'm gonna touch you on your midsection.
- I'm gonna hoist you.
- Okay.
Here we go.
I'm gonna pull you up! Just like Winnie the Pooh stuck in a honey jar.
- Okay.
- Thank you, Rita.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Okay.
Let's get you gals into your apartment.
Is that smoke? I smell smoke.
- What? - The cinnamon rolls.
Jessica, you put a pin in those.
I did not put a pin in them! I'm sor Oh, my God! Jessica! No! The ball! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Stop! Okay, okay.
Oh, it's ruined! The signature is ruined! No! Okay, we're gonna fix it.
No, we are not gonna do anything, Jessica.
I think you have done enough.
Listen We all make mistakes.
- No, this is bad, Rita.
- Yeah, really bad.
Hey, from what I understood in the truck, you're going crazy trying to impress people - that don't deserve impressing.
- Is that what she told you? Did she also tell you that she is in complete avoidance of her life? I'll tell you something, Lenny.
It's not easy starting over, okay? Especially in the middle of your life.
- Middle? I don't - I recognize that, Rita, but at a certain point, you have to face reality.
Okay, Lennon, I am sorry, okay? The only reason I got locked out of the apartment is 'cause I was trying to help you with your bras.
No, Jessica, that is not true.
The reason you got locked out of our apartment is because all your stuff showed up because you haven't been answering your mail.
Did she tell you that, Rita? I needed you to show up for me today, Jess, - and you didn't do it.
- Okay, so let me try now.
- Let me fix it! - You know what? Why don't you just deal with your stuff, - and I will deal with mine.
- Len! Len, come on.
- God.
- It's okay.
- It's just hard.
- I know.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Guess who got in? Yeah.
Okay.
What's happening here? I'm trying to forge this signature 'cause I messed it up.
- I gotta fix it for Len.
- Who's Peter Ewing? Some basketball player Joe's dad likes.
I think you mean Patrick Ewing.
What? Wait.
Who's Peter? - Your ex-husband.
- No! Aah! God! I cannot do anything right today.
I'm the worst friend.
Lennon's right.
- Oh, is that what she said? - Yeah.
That is what she said.
She said I am in denial of my stuff and she doesn't want my help, and she just wants to live our lives separately like strangers.
Well, is that your stuff - outside on the street? - Yeah.
Is it your fault the entire kitchen is covered in foam? - Uh-huh.
- And it smells like smoke - in here 'cause - Cinnamon roll fire - that I started.
- And is that - your giant stack of mail? - Yes! Yes, yes, yes! I get it, Rav, okay? I get it.
I need to deal with my stuff.
You cracked the case! Congratulations, Brenda Leigh Johnson from The Closer! Okay? But guess what.
I don't wanna deal with it.
I don't want to deal with any of this stuff.
- Why not? - 'Cause I'm scared! - Of what? - Because if I deal with it, then it's real, and I'm sleeping on my best friend's boyfriend's aerobed in his office covered in drawings of mutant orphans, and this is not how I thought my life was gonna be.
- It's real either way.
- God, I don't want it.
And unless you deal with your own stuff, you're not gonna be able to help anyone else.
The Hopi Indians have this saying Oh, my God, stop talking.
Just so I can avoid hearing the story, I'm going to deal with it, okay? I'm gonna open my mail.
I'm gonna call Peter's office in the morning, and I'm just gonna deal with my stuff on the street, okay? - Good.
- But how do we make it right - for Len? - Well, what would Brenda Leigh Johnson from The Closer do? Where are you guys going? We gotta go to the city.
And I'm supposed to stay here with all your stuff? I don't know.
Um You know what? Sell it.
Okay, good, 'cause I told that Chinese man to come back in an hour with cash.
Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late.
- Where's the ball? - I don't have the ball.
It got ruined in a fire.
- Oh, that's wonderful.
- It doesn't matter anyway.
When dad found out about the party, he went into the bar and he won't come out.
I asked you two to do one thing one thing, and you couldn't do it.
All right, you know what? You didn't ask us to do one thing.
You asked me to do ten.
And it just so happens that my life has a little bit of complication right now, - so I would appreciate - I quit my job! - What? - I-I'm not thinking about it.
I did it, and I'm following my dreams, and it's my idea, it's not Len's.
Okay, okay, all right, then.
Well, everybody seems to be doing exactly what they wanna do.
So I'm going to go to the hotel gift shop, and I'm going to spend $300 on scented candles.
Babe, I'm so sorry I don't have the ball.
- You didn't have to - Don't even worry about it.
- Okay.
- All right.
I better go tell people what's going on.
Okay.
Can I sit here, Don? Free country.
Oh, can I just get a vodka on the rocks? Oh, you know what? Make it a whiskey.
Either one'll do it for you.
That's very true, Don.
Very true.
Thanks.
How have you found the bathrooms to be in this hotel? - Pretty good.
- Yeah? Yeah.
I located a couple of good ones.
The nicest one is the one upstairs.
Second floor across from the conference room.
- They have full door stalls.
- Love those.
- Makes you feel like a grownup.
- Right? - People can't see your feet.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I had a private bathroom at the office.
Really? That's pretty sweet.
Yep.
Yeah, my own personal bathroom.
Now I'll be sharing with Marilyn all day, I guess.
She'll be riding my ass to wipe down the counter.
I missed one day of work in 33 years.
That was the day Joe was born.
Oh.
I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do with myself all day, every day, for the rest of my life.
There's an opening in my jazz tap fusion class.
- You're always welcome.
- Oh, yeah.
That'll be great.
Here's one hour a week down.
I think you'd really enjoy our warm-up.
I'm sure I would.
You know, I don't think that you need to figure it all out at once.
It's a pretty big change.
You could just give yourself a little time to get used to it.
Well, yeah, except there's A party going on right now, and people expect me to walk in there and act like everything's normal and It's just not.
It's not normal.
I know.
You know, Marilyn had me get you a, um A signed basketball by Patrick Ewing.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Wow.
- Don't get too excited.
It got burned up in a cinnamon roll fire.
Okay.
I'm not gonna ask about the details there.
That would have been a great present, though.
It would have been.
All right, you know what, Lennon? I will walk into that party with you right now - on one condition.
- Name it.
- You get the hat.
- Done and done.
Hakuna matata,Lennon.
Hakuna matata, Don.
Hey, Bob, come on, where you going? I finally made it.
How you doing? Hey! Hey, thanks.
Honey.
- Is there a Don here? - What Curly Neal? What what are you doing here? On behalf of Marilyn, Joe, and Lenny, we'd like to wish you a happy retirement.
This is only the beginning.
Crowd: Hear, hear.
- Thank you, Curly.
Thank you, everyone.
Hey, I used to take my Joe, come here.
I used to take my son Joe.
We used to come see you at the garden all the time.
Well, thanks for the wonderful memories.
Jess, how did you make this happen? This is amazing.
Oh, I guess I never told you.
I took a clinic with the Harlem globetrotters, and my dad used to do their books.
You brought Fred "Curly" Neal to Joe's dad's retirement That's Uncle Curly.
That's Uncle Curls to me.
Lennon, I have to tell you something.
- Excuse me.
- Oh.
I am so grateful you got Don into this party.
I don't know how you got that stubborn pain in the ass out of the bar.
But I'm very, very appreciative.
I just told him all the special things - that you had planned for him.
- Oh That we burned in a fire.
Burned in a cinnamon roll fire.
All right, stop farting around now.
We gotta go over here, 'cause Curly's gonna teach the family something to do with balls.
Okay.
Here we go.
You ready over there? Don! Oh! Lennon, let's see what you got.
- Oh! - Oh! All right, you guys ready to get started? Let's sweat.
Everybody dance now everybody dance now Whoo! Freestyle! Whatever you want!