Best Friends Forever (2012) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Can you please back up? I can feel your hot cashew breath on my neck.
Sorry, can you just click on the photos page? I want to see if Rachel Diggler has popped out that baby yet.
Don't you have your own computer? - I have work to do.
- Give me a break, Joe.
When I came in here, you were googling "toilet rats.
" They climb up the pipes, Jessica.
They hold their breath for hours.
You should leave the toilet seat down.
- Oh, no.
- What? Is that Peter? No, no, that's nothing.
Why is Peter on a beach with short bangs? Click back to that.
No, no, no, let's just close this real quick.
No, no, I need to see those photos--Lennon! Get your hands off.
Lennon's gonna kill me.
Joe, that is my ex-husband! You show me those photos! What's going on in here? Peter's on a beach with short bangs.
- What? - She overpowered me.
Oh, God.
- Why is her leg bent like that? - What is she, double-jointed? - That's a lot of limbs.
- Oh, inappropriate.
Do they have a professional photographer traveling with them? - What? Why? - Amazing.
Are her bottoms off? [Screams.]
You know what? I'm shutting this down.
Joe, why are you still friends with Peter? I've been defriended before, and I can tell you it is not pleasant.
Well, defriend him right now.
No, no, no, Lennon.
If Peter is already humping people in the canary islands, I should be out there too.
Joe, change my status to "single.
" No, change it to "single and loving it.
" No, that's not an option.
Joe, don't tell me it's not an option! - Just do it.
- Do it, Joe! Do your dumb, dumb computer things.
Do it! "Loving it!" I'm typing "loving it!" All is nothing Good morning.
Hey, remember before Jessica lived here and we used to have sex? Yeah, we almost popped your wolverines chair.
It can't withstand that amount of weight and friction.
Much like the wolverines' offensive line.
Hey, shoelace got the job done.
Do you want to have sex right now? - Yes, please.
- [Laughs.]
[Door opening.]
- I still got it! - Aah! A mere eight hours after I changed my Facebook status to single, guess who messages me? Keith Kazakian.
- Wait, the Keith Kazakian? - Yes.
Keith "Meaty Calves" Kazakian.
With the soccer sandals and the umbros? I guess he liked that photo we took of me on the fire escape in my tankini.
Nailed it.
At least somebody's nailing it.
I feel like this is a learning moment for all of us, you know? I put myself out there, I took a risk, and the world replied, "Welcome back, stranger.
We like what we see.
" Jessica, get out of our bedroom.
Joe, you got a point.
I gotta get out there, all right? And I'm gonna take an even bigger risk and ask Keith out.
That's a great idea.
Maybe you two will have sex.
Maybe we will, Joe! Maybe we will! I'm sorry.
She doesn't have any respect for doors! I know, but she's in a very vulnerable place right now.
I'm in a vulnerable place! She almost sat on my junk.
I know, I will talk to her, okay? It will not happen again.
What will happen again is this - Things are really heating up.
- Noooo! He said yes.
We are going out tonight! Stay out of our bedroom! All right, buddy.
You don't look excited, but I know you are.
[Door closes.]
It's like she has a superpower for knowing when we're about to have sex so she can barge in and talk about some dude with meaty calves.
Oh, yeah, Keith Kazakian? How do you know about Keith Kazakian? I've been hearing about that guy's calves since 1994.
You know, if I had superpower, I'd want the power to know dogs' names.
I'd meet a new dog, I'd be like, "What's up, Hercules?" "Oh, my God, how'd you know his name?" "Superpower.
" [Moans loudly.]
Oh - You okay there, buddy? - I'm sorry.
Since I can't have sex, this gyro's my only pleasure.
Well, don't chew so fast.
Take it slow.
Tease it a little.
At least Jess is going on a date tonight, so we'll have the apartment all to ourselves.
- Jess has a date? - Yeah, with Keith Kazakian.
I think I need some more tzatziki.
- Daphne.
- Hello, Rav.
I'm sorry I didn't call you back.
I-I was gonna call you, but I lost my phone.
Rav, I may be Greek, but I'm not an idiot.
I don't think that's a stereotype.
Is that a stereotype? No, I'm serious.
I lost my phone.
I was gonna tell you today.
Can I get your number again? Yeah, just as soon as I - top off your coffee.
- Whoa! Whoa! - Why are you doing that? - Get out of here.
I don't ever wanna see you again! Both of you! You're banned! Rav, no, my gyro! Come on! Joe, I really did lose my phone.
You know, I-I'm sorry, I'm just gonna take this.
I'm having some bedroom issues.
I don't need to know that! That's not what I meant.
Guys, this one is ugly.
It's not worth it.
Well, can we please just see it? [Sighs.]
- Oh, stunning.
Stunning! - Ugly, ugly, ugly! Ugh, this blazer makes me feel like an out-of-work, lesbian temp.
I think you need to put on some spanx and smooth it all out.
Truth? You may need spanx on top of spanx.
Okay, Q, that's not helpful.
I'm just saying.
If you're trying to close the deal, she needs to tighten it up.
What do you know about closing a deal? You're 9 years old.
- 9 1/2! - No, Q's right.
I am not ready to close any deal.
I don't think I wanna do this, Lennon.
Hey, Q, I need a minute alone with Jess.
I get the hint.
My help is not wanted here.
But just so you know, I pick out the clothes for my friend time doll, and she always looks tight.
Hey, you're gonna be fine.
Are you kidding me? - You're so good at this.
- Good at what? Connecting with people.
Talking to people.
Len, I used to be good at it! You know, if I was a professional jockey, and I took three years off and then you put me back on that horse, I would not be able to do it.
Yeah, but there would be nothing else that you could do because you'd be such a tiny man.
Come on, this is Keith "Meaty Calves" Kazakian, okay? We've been dreaming about this moment for 22 years.
You know how good it's gonna be when you When I what? I think we know what we're talking about, okay? Do you think he still wears Drakkar Noir? I hope not, for your sake, 'cause you will smell like that for three days.
Now go put on that red dress that makes you look like Sharon stone, and let's close this deal.
You got me in so much trouble in that class.
Well, I got everyone in trouble.
- Are you kidding me? - Well, that was kinda my thing.
No, Mr.
Nastaylor was, like, so pissed at me.
- He was the worst.
- [Laughs.]
You know I, like, always had the biggest crush on you, right? What? You should've told me.
Well, you were with someone.
Who, Eric Wampler? - The Wamps.
- Oh, my God.
I was only with Wamplestiltskin because he had a pool.
Okay, well, you know I only went to his parties because you were there.
- No--I can't even-- - Yeah.
And I always tried to get paired up with you for chicken fights.
Always.
Well, I mean, I did have a pretty good one-piece that season.
Just saying.
I'm kinda rocking tankinis now.
- Yeah, you are.
- Yeah.
Uh, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna use the gentlemen's lounge.
- Do not leave.
- Oh, I won't.
Lennon, we are very close to closing this deal.
I think I'm about to get keithed.
Man, he is laying it on thick.
I do have to say, I like a man that says "gentlemen's lounge.
" Joe, I didn't know you were on this call.
Yeah, Len said we'd only be listening for five minutes.
Yeah, but then we got caught up in the sexual tension.
- So much sexual tension.
- Okay.
So you're okay? I'm great.
Thank you, Lennon.
Okay, then I'm gonna hang up and have sex - with my boyfriend right now.
- Okay, gross.
- You're gross.
- Oh, he's coming back.
Okay, bye! All right, a little something something to set the mood.
[Loverboy's Working for the Weekend.]
And since Jessica's not here, I can do this [Laughs.]
And a little bit of this Yeah.
And a whole lot of this Bring it.
[Laughs.]
Everyone's lookin' at you What's wrong? II can't do it with her watching us.
Everyone's wonderin' will you come out tonight [Sighs.]
So what do you think? Are we gonna do this? I don't know, are we? - 'Cause I gotta be back by 11:30 or else Cheryl's gonna suspect something.
Wait-wait.
Cheryl Mastrioni? Well, it's Cheryl Kazakian now.
I played JV softball with Cheryl Mastrioni.
She was our catcher.
Oh, yeah.
She used to have real tight glutes.
She led us to nationals! You expect me to sleep with you while you cheat on my teammate? Well, you haven't talked to her in, like, 15 years, so Okay, well, you clearly understand nothing about the high-school softball experience.
When a group of young women persevere-- You know what? Never mind.
Did you just say "Never mind"? Well, I'm actually feeling pretty full from the, uh, from the gnocchi you forced on me, so it's good.
- Thank you.
- No, I'll get the - You're gonna get it? - No, I'm not gonna get it! Oh, I thought-- - I found five pictures of the two of you in a log flume.
You know where there's no pictures of the two of us? In the kitchen.
No, I think there's one on the fridge of the two of you in a hot air balloon.
[Clears throat.]
- Oh, I get it.
- [Laughs.]
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Just take these off.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
- Maybe we should-- - It would be easier - if we just do it ourselves.
- Sure, yeah.
This is the kind of thing they should show on the food network.
- Get it, get it! - Got it.
Ha! [Laughs.]
[Door opening.]
Keith Kazakian is married! Oh, my God! Pants! He's married, and he wanted to have sex with me, but he said he was too full.
- Too full, Lennon! - Oh, that is terrible.
I mean, he didn't even have to be that charming.
I was a done deal.
I double-spanxed myself.
I went out and bought a midsize clutch just so I could fit all of my condoms! These are too many condoms! [Sighs.]
You know what? I just--I want to have a hot chocolate, and I just want to go to sleep.
- No, no, no, no! - No! I know it's late for sugar, but it's just been a rough one.
- Jessica! - Stop walking! Oh, my God.
Are you guys having sex? - No! - Yes! In the kitchen? [Gasps.]
Lennon, are you wearing pants right now? Uh, well, not at this exact moment, but I will put some on, and then I'll get you that hot chocolate.
- This is so embarrassing.
- Jess! Babe, I'm sorry.
I'm not exaggerating when I say this, Rav.
Lennon and I are never going to have sex again.
You can have sex in my kitchen, but it's pretty dirty.
She'd somehow find us.
Hey Where are our gyros? I don't know what you did, but the people in that diner did not like you one bit.
What, did you sell us out? No, I did exactly what you told me to do.
I said I wanted three gyros, one with extra tzatziki.
But the lady with the nice hair said, "Are those for those two men out on the sidewalk?" And I said, "I can't tell a lie.
Yes, they are.
" - Come on, Q! - It's not my fault! You should've stood further down the street.
Money, please.
I'm not paying you.
Your job was to procure the gyros, and you failed.
No, sir, I'm not paid for results.
I'm paid for my time.
[T.
Rex's 20th Century Boy.]
Len, I'm overdressed.
These guys here look like they just finished raking leaves.
Are you kidding? You look like a stone-cold fox.
- Okay, can we not--Len! - What? Get your hands out of my boobs! Listen, I don't think I'm in the mood for this.
I just--I'm feeling terrible about last night.
Okay, can we let old meaty calves go? He's not worth it.
[Laughs.]
I'm not talking about meaty calves.
I'm talking about walking in on you guys.
Oh, no, that was not your fault.
You know, honestly, I'm actually surprised - it hasn't happened before.
- Yeah.
Lennon, it hasn't happened before, has it? No, of course not.
You know, I should've known Keith was married.
He was wearing a woven belt.
Okay, well, lesson learned.
We'll keep our eyes open for woven belts.
- [Laughs.]
- Now, can we do this? - All right, let's do this.
- Yeah! And that's when I started growing my own vegetables.
Oh, wow, you know, Jessica's an amazing chef.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I'm kind of a foodie myself.
- What do you like to cook? - Oh, everything.
I cook, um, all the foods.
Uh, especially meat.
I love meat.
I mean, all kinds of meat.
Uh, just meat sandwich or meat pizza.
Sometimes I just throw meat on a plate, I don't care! - Just give me that meat! - Okay, Jessica Meat! Meat! Meat! I can't stop saying the word "meat.
" I'm trying to stop - That's fine.
- But I can't seem to.
Jessica, um, made an amazing pulled pork last week.
Melt in your mouth.
You know, I know of this great barbecue place in Williamsburg that you would love, Lennon.
We should go sometime.
- Excuse me.
- Okay, this is over.
- Oh! - Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Wow, you are very tall.
Oh, and you're very rude.
I have a hyperactive pituitary gland.
My mother died from it.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Question-ay: Is your friend single? [Sighs.]
Rav, why am I such a boner repellent? You want a real answer, or do you want me to tell you that you're beautiful and any boner here would be lucky to have you? Can you do a little bit of both? I'm very vulnerable right now.
Every man that we have spoken to has asked Lennon out.
It's 'cause you're too worked up.
Just relax, will you? Dating's weird.
Did I ever show you this scar I have on my back? What is happening? I was having sex with this lady cop I met online and her pet bird attacked me.
Went to town on my back like I was a birdfeeder.
Put your shirt back on, please.
Did you hear what I said? It went to town on my back like I was a birdfeeder.
- What is your point? - My point is It got weird, but I got a great story out of it.
I don't know if I'd really call it a great story.
Just get out there and let it get weird.
All right, next time I ask for a pep talk, could you just remind me of this special moment we just shared? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
I even went there alone, and she was like, "You can go eat gyros in hell!" Well, that is hurtful.
Guys, I think I'm gonna take off.
What? Why? No, you were doing so good.
Lennon, three different guys asked me for your number.
Wait, who asked for your number? Relax.
Listen, I'm just gonna go to bed.
I don't think I'm ready for all this.
All right, well, do you want us to come with you? - No, no, no.
- Excuse me.
Take a walk, buddy.
This is my girl.
Actually, I was hoping to talk to her friend.
Can I buy you a drink? Um, yeah, I guess I could have one drink.
Okay.
[Both mouthing silently.]
Daphne, what are you doing here? - I found your phone.
- Where was it? In my apartment, behind the headboard.
Frankly, I'm surprised it's still in one piece.
Me too, I'm actually a little disappointed in myself.
I'm sorry I poured coffee on you.
It's okay.
Kinda liked it.
Listen, I was wondering if you could do something for a friend of mine.
Details.
His name is Corey, and he wants to take me to a party at a country estate in New Jersey.
Excuse me? A country estate? When is this happening? Right now.
Is this crazy? No, it's not crazy.
And let me tell you why, and I'm gonna be completely honest with you right now.
If you go to New Jersey, that means I get to go home and have sex with my girlfriend without interruption, because you're gonna be in a totally different state.
Gross.
Lennon, what do you think? He seems really nice.
He also looks like Jason Bourne.
I think you should close this deal.
Let's do it! Yo, dude, I think I just solved your gyro problem.
I don't need a gyro, Rav.
I'm about to go have sex with my girlfriend.
I can't believe this is finally happening.
Oh, my God.
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
This was my grandmother's.
Aw, Lennon! What? We have the same body.
Now all I can think about is her in that hospital bed.
Remember? She had to talk through that voice box? Okay, just stay with me.
Stay focused.
[Darth Vader voice.]
Lennon I am your grandmother.
[Laughs.]
Come on.
[Phone rings.]
- Every single time! - Oh, my God.
Babe, all I want to do right now is have sex with you-- But she's with a new guy.
She's in New Jersey.
She could be getting murdered somewhere.
- Answer it.
- Okay.
Jess, are you okay? Lennon! Oh, you know what, core? On second thought, I will have champagne.
What is happening? Okay, this party's at a beautiful estate on a river, and even though Corey looks a bit younger in the light, I have never been treated more like a lady-- Oh, hi, thank you.
Then why is she calling us? Okay, so I don't have to be worried? No, no, no.
I knew you guys were just sitting by the phone, waiting for me to call.
Listen, go to sleep, I'll call you in the morning, - okay? - Okay.
Oh, looks like the party is shifting into some kind of a safari theme.
Wait a minute.
Wait, Jess, look around you.
Are the guys wearing pith helmets? Yeah, pith helmets as far as the eye can see.
Oh, my God, - you're at a cougar ball.
- Cougar ball? Yeah, I read about it in The New Yorker.
It's this new college fad where the fraternities have what they call a cougar ball.
Each guy has to bring the hottest cougar he can find to a dinner, and at the end of the night, they crown somebody queen cougar.
- No, they do not.
- Disgusting.
Just stay where you are.
We are coming to get you! All: To cougars! [Cheering.]
This is all my fault.
Why did I tell her to go? Thank God Dr.
Carnivacci subscribes The New Yorker, or else we'd never have known! Okay, call Rav.
We need his truck.
I called him three times already.
- He won't pick up! - Screw it, we're renting a car.
Wait, where's my sweater? [Screaming.]
Where is it? [Hip-hop party music playing.]
All: Go! Go! Go! Go! Hey, did you bring me to New Jersey to be in a cougar ball? Are you that stupid? 'Cause, I mean, you seem smart, but I don't know, I just met you.
Maybe you're just, like really, really stupid.
I'm sorry, I-- I brought you here to be my cougar.
Well, that's great.
That makes me feel really good about myself.
That's a lie, Corey, in case you're too stupid.
Look at this.
Nice catch, core.
You look like you're still in your 30s.
- I am in my 30s.
- That's the spirit.
I myself went with more of the classic coug.
She is wrinkled dynamite.
I think I have the winner.
You seem like a winner.
You know your parents are paying for you to dress like a penis? I'm out of here.
- Is that a hat joke? - Shut up! Hey! I know you probably hate me.
I just--I want you to know I didn't want to do this.
I don't even like these guys, it's just my dad's, like, a founding member of this stupid frat, and I don't know, I think you're beautiful, and I just--I thought if I could get you to come here, I might have a shot at winning queen cougar, and my dad would be proud of me for once.
This is Definitely the weirdest night of my life.
[Sighs.]
Hey, Corey? What would we need to do to win this thing? What? Are you serious? Yeah, I'm serious.
I wanna get a good story out of this.
So tell me, what do I need to do to stick it to Trevor and take these old bitches down? 'Cause I know I got this--oh, yes! But I can also drop it pretty low If you need that.
Also, if there's a karaoke portion, I do do a mean rendition of Bob Dylan's Lay Lady Lay.
Just FYI.
Jump on it jump on it, jump on it I am shutting this down! This is over! This is it! It's over! Everyone back away from this woman! And if you are in this room, you are on notice! You and I are taking a walk, mister.
No, no! Joe, Joe, stop! It's okay! It's not okay, Jess.
Hey, these cougars, as you boys call them, are women, all right? Women! Hear them roar! [Laughs.]
Cougars also roar.
[Angry.]
What did you say to me? - Lennon! - Nothing! - I didn't say anything! - Yeah, you did! You need to learn your education! Okay, okay, Lennon, it's okay, all right? I'm fine.
It's not fine, Jess.
You're at a cougar ball.
Yeah, and I'm having the time of my life.
There's endless champagne.
I keep getting lifted up on a chair, which you know has always been a dream of mine, since I'm not Jewish.
I threw my hat in the ring for queen cougar, and word on the street is I might actually win this thing if Danielle from short hills doesn't steal it from me.
So I'm okay.
- Really? - Yes! I promise! All right, now little Pete, grab my friends a couple of cougaritas-- hold the salt-- and let's get this party started! [Cheering.]
Put your hands up and hear me shout a little bit loud now put your hands up can't keep yourself from jumping around Okay, that was a new song that I don't like and don't care about, but here's one of the best ones ever recorded, and if you disagree, you can fight me on the dance floor.
[Loverboy's Working for the Weekend.]
Lennon, truth.
When I called you guys earlier today, were you getting your bodies worked? We absolutely were.
So why did you pick up the phone? Well, 'cause I was worried you were getting murdered.
Okay, Len, you need to stop worrying about me and start getting that body worked.
Okay, then you need to knock before you come in our bedroom.
Oh, my God, that morning, were you guys in the middle-- [Gasps.]
I sat on the edge of the bed! Yeah, you almost sat on his junk.
- Oh, man.
- Bad news! You've been disqualified from queen cougar.
[Groans.]
Danielle from short hills.
No, Trevor looked you up on Facebook.
- Nice tankini, by the way.
- Thank you.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
Well, you're under the age limit.
Huh.
You know what? I will tell you something, Corey.
The only thing better than being crowned queen cougar is being told that you are too young to be queen cougar.
Are you Corey? Are you Corey? You the guy? Excuse me, are you the guy? I'm always the guy.
[All gasp.]
No, Rav! Rav, stop! Stop! I'm good! - I'm all right.
- Really? Yes.
I let it get weird.
Sorry, dude.
I had to punch you, man.
You were wearing a pith helmet.
No, he deserved it.
I did.
[Music resumes.]
Oh, man, I gotta get in on this.
All right! - Get in there, girl.
- Get out of here.
Everybody wants a new romance Oh, man, that's a nice one.
[Laughs.]
Guys! Guys, you gotta see Danielle from short hills' face when they tell her I'm too young to be queen cougar! This is priceless.
Oh, my God.
[Knocks.]
[Door lock clicks.]
Guys, I knocked.
What's going on? [Door lock clicks.]
Oh, my God, did you put a lock on this? [Loverboy's Working for the Weekend.]
[Gasps.]
Are you doing it right now? [Laughs.]
Oh, my--you are! Right now! You're working each other's bodies.
Gross! Gross!