Best Friends Whenever (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Night of the Were-Diesel

1 Renaldo, after weeks of work I'm finally ready to show you the maze Shelby has asked me to construct for the school's Halloween carnival.
That's really great, Barry.
I have one question Oh, this is just a model.
The real one is bigger.
Then I have no questions.
Hey, guys.
You can't see this! Was that the maze? It's gonna be bigger, right? That's what I said! Oh, Barry, this maze has to be great.
This is the first time I'm in charge of the whole carnival, and everybody will be disappointed if it's not the scariest one yet.
Don't worry, Shelby.
Nobody knows who plans these things.
They'll know who planned this one.
Relax.
I have designed a maze so scary, those who experience it will never be able to forget it.
Like when you see a teacher at the grocery store.
And they're wearing shorts.
Hey, Barry, is this for the maze? No! Careful, that is concentrated wolf hormone! I've been using it on mice to see if I can get them to chase cats.
If successful, I will build a mouse army to do the impossible, finally get my cat to respect me.
You named her Purrmione Granger.
She'll never respect you.
At this point, I'd be happy if she'd just stop flushing the toilet while I shower.
I'll help you take this stuff down to the school.
I just got to put out the candy for the trick-or-treaters.
Hey! Who ate all the candy? (Whining) I think Diesel may know who ate all the candy.
(Burps) The question is, how did he unwrap it? I know it sounds crazy But time doesn't faze me Ever since it lost its hold on me Hey, hey Hung out till midnight Missed the curfew, that's all right I'm back to bed and right on time, you'll see Whenever You need me I'm right there with you Whenever There's something You wanna redo The clock is ticking but not for me I'm living in a different reality Whenever Whatever Wherever I'm right there with you I'm right there with you Hey, hey The Halloween carnival is looking good, people.
And it'll look even better, thanks to this fog machine that I snagged at a yard sale.
(Coughs) Which was kinda hard to find 'cause it was on.
Barry, Naldo, how's the maze going? Ooh, what's the scariest part? Oh, that's easy.
It's right now.
Because you're about to find out Barry didn't make it scary at all.
What are you talking about? My maze is filled with the most terrifying moments in human history.
Shelby, I give you the Mistakes of Science! (Rumbling) Sorry.
There was a spider on this piece of aluminum.
Don't worry, I scared him away by making the sound of thunder.
"The Mistakes of Science"? What's scary about that? Uh, only everything.
For instance, the entire maze is lit using direct current, an invention so terrifyingly unstable it brought the 1880 World's Fair to its knees.
Direct current? Oh, I can't breathe.
My heart is racing.
That's what people will say when they read the maze's informational placards about antibiotic-resistant bacteria, the hubris of fracking and the perilous overpopulation of the cane toad.
This is going to be a disaster.
Yes, as big a disaster as the poorly planned city the maze was designed after, full of one-way streets and dead ends.
Which, as we all know, is an urban planning nightmare.
I gotta hand it to you, Barry.
Kids are really going to want to get out of this maze.
Yes, we've done it again, Renaldo, I would high five you, if high-fiving was a thing I did.
None of this stuff is scary! I gotta call in my secret weapon.
Cyd, where are you? Cyd: Be right there, Shelbs.
Just shopping for those snacks you asked for.
Bread crumbs, wheat germ, oat bran What happened to all the good stuff? Oh, yeah, I ate it yesterday.
Shelby: I'm freaking out.
Barry's not trying to scare people, he's trying to teach them! At a school? That monster! I need your twisted mind to come up with something so terrifying, so bone-chilling, so heart-stopping that people will forget they learned things! You came to the right place.
I am terrifyin' without tryin', I'm the girl who'll make you hurl, I am Two is good enough, I have made my point.
I knew I could count on you.
Get here as quick as you can.
All right, Diesel, I need a scary idea and I need it fast.
And before you pitch it, only you think the vacuum cleaner is scary.
Ooh! I've got it! (Yelling) It hurts! It hurts so bad! (Exclaiming) (Low whine) Okay, fine, it's not scary.
But what about this Hey, Diesel, would you like a slice of apple? (Screams) My blood! My blood is coming out! It's so red! And green? But also yellow? What is that, fuchsia? (Whines) (Yells) (Struggling) (Grunts) Diesel! You can't just eat stuff you find in Barry's lab.
You don't know what's dangerous and what isn't.
I almost ate oat bran! I'm just glad you're okay.
(Spooky music playing) We barely got any candy at all.
Maybe you should wear the dress.
No way, you lost rock-paper-scissors.
I'm telling you, man, you gotta stop going rock every time.
That's my strategy.
One of these days you're gonna go scissors, and when you do this will be waiting for you.
It's a rock.
I think we're getting too old for trick-or-treating.
We're 13 now.
Yeah, we should do what teenagers do on Halloween.
What do teenagers do on Halloween? "Too scary for kids.
"Teenagers only.
" We should do that.
Okay, but we can't go to the carnival looking like this.
Everyone will laugh at us.
We need to make ourselves look scarier.
Perfect.
Let's go down to the school.
Bret, a lady shouldn't have to open the door for herself.
You're not a lady.
And you're no gentleman! Why can't I come up with anything scary? (Growling) Diesel? (Growling continues) Come on, quit messing around.
(Growling) (Snarls) (Screams) (Snarling) (Door smashing) (Growling) Diesel? Is that you? (Snarling) (Smashing) Nobody panic, he's had his shots! Well, most of them.
Please tell me those bananas are not for the maze.
Of course, they're for the maze.
How else am I supposed to illustrate the terrifying lack of genetic diversity that threatens the banana's very existence.
You know, if we don't do something soon That comedy troupe will go extinct! We can't lose that one, it's a classic! Cyd, where have you been? The carnival opens in 20 minutes, and Barry's maze now has a produce section.
Please tell me you thought of something terrifying.
Forget the maze, Shelby! Diesel's a monster! Diesel? I mean, sure he's not "traditionally handsome", but I wouldn't call him a monster.
No, I'm serious.
Diesel's huge and his eyes are glowing, and I didn't think it was possible, but his stink is even stankier! (Growling) Oh, I get it.
This is your scare.
Terrifying monster, I like it.
Who's back there helping you? Is it Bret? Chet? Uh, no, Shelbs, this isn't my scare! This is Diesel! And he's a monster! (Growling) (Snarls) Too bad this isn't your scare, because it's a really, really good one! (Door rattling) (Diesel growling) Cyd, how did your dog turn into a demon hound? I was working on my big scare in Barry's lab, and Diesel ate the yellow goo I spilled.
Yellow goo? That was Barry's wolf hormone! Wolf hormone? I don't know, he's trying to make mean mice to bully his cat.
That must be what turned him into Were-Diesel! (Growling stops) He stopped.
Where'd he go? (Diesel howling) (Snarling) (Diesel growling) (People screaming) This is awful! The worst! My carnival is ruined! My dog's a werewolf! Both: Also your thing.
He's my dog.
I can't just let him run around terrorizing everyone.
Uh, maybe I can go calm him down.
(Snarling) Diesel, it's okay.
(Barks) It's okay.
Who's a good boy? Who's my good (Retches) Are you okay? Well, my dog is a werewolf, he just barfed all over me, and a little bit got in my mouth.
Does that answer your question? Let's just jump back to before he ate that goo in the first place.
That way he'll never turn into Were-Diesel.
You couldn't have thought of that before I got gooed? (Whining) Diesel, you're wild-eyed, snaggle-toothed, and you stink like cabbage.
It's good to have you back, buddy.
Shelbs, I stopped him! Crisis averted.
Oh, thank goodness.
Listen, when you do your scare for real, I want the kids to feel like their lives are in danger, but not actually be in danger.
I should have given you that guideline, though.
That's on me.
Shelbs, I need to talk to you about that scare If you turned Diesel into a werewolf on accident, I can't wait to see what you do on purpose! Yeah, you and me both.
What was that? Oh, thought you hung up, gotta go! Wow, the high school Halloween carnival.
Ooh! Looks like everyone's too scared to show up.
Or we're 20 minutes early.
I like the way I said it.
I don't think we should be in here.
Man up, Bret.
We're teenagers now.
No one can tell us what to do.
You're right.
Follow me.
Right behind you, boss.
There we go, Renaldo.
All finished.
Barry, you think maybe we should put a few things in that normal people find scary? What do normal people find scary? You know, werewolves, vampires, ghosts, goblins, ghouls, specters, banshees, zombies, witches, warlocks, chupacabras, bigfoots, yetis and wampus cats.
As well as necromancers, swamp people, hill people, mole people, moth men, jabberwockies, and leprechauns with a score to settle.
Renaldo, none of those things are scary because they don't exist.
My maze is filled with actual terrors from real life.
For instance This grate.
Back in the 1970s, vents like these were breeding grounds for black mold, which could cause respiratory problems.
And the ensuing insurance paperwork would haunt the victims for decades! Uh, Barry, I just saw two zombie dolls! That is ridiculous.
I know! They're super territorial.
They never travel in pairs.
Renaldo, zombie dolls aren't real.
And neither are werewolves, vampires, ghosts, ghouls, goblins, specters, zombies, witches, warlocks, chupacabras, bigfoots, yetis, wampus cats, necromancers, swamp people, hill people, mole people, moth men, jabberwockies, or leprechauns with a score to settle.
Barry What? You forgot banshees.
(Grunts) Let's just go tell Shelby we're done with the maze.
Ooh! Is that your big scare? I'm so excited! Lemme see it.
Okay, but it's not really finished.
(Gasps) Ooh, are you scared? I'm horrified! That was my grandmother's pillow! It was the last thing she gave to me before she was taken from us.
By that silver fox Harold.
They're in Sicily right now.
I just got a postcard.
Okay, look, I couldn't come up with anything! I know I'm supposed to be the one with the twisted mind, but everything I've thought of is lame! I've lost my edge, like, when comedians become parents.
Uh, Cyd? You might as well tell the whole school, (In distorted voice) Cyd Ripley is not scary.
There, I said it.
I'm not the monster everybody thinks I am! (Bones cracking) Uh, Cyd? I don't want to freak you out or anything, but you know how you sometimes get that one hair in between your eyebrows? Well, you have that right now, but like all over your face.
(In distorted voice) What's happening? I don't know.
It's like you're turning into (Growls) (Shrieks) Were-Cyd! (Howling) (Growls) It's okay, we can still be best friends.
I'll bring you steaks, and we can go to the park, and I'll scratch your belly until you fall asleep.
I mean, when you think about it, not that much has changed.
(Snarls) Except the part where you're trying to eat me.
(Growls) Um, Barry, I think we've passed that cane toad three times already.
Or they could be reproducing at a rapid rate.
They have no natural predators in this maze.
All right, we're lost.
Why'd you make it so confusing? This maze is like a labyrinth.
Ah-ha! That's the poorly planned urban sprawl! It's so convoluted even I don't know the way out.
(Vocalizing) Ooh! I really shouldn't make light of it.
We're trapped in here.
(Distant howling) What was that? Did you hear that, Chet? Hear what? That scary howl.
Oh, that.
No.
(Distant howling) It's probably somebody howling 'cause they're so bored.
I thought High School Halloween would be scarier.
It's like, I'm not scared, I'm just depressed.
This maze keeps telling us about things that even grownups couldn't fix.
We're gonna inherit a broken world, Chet.
I know how you feel.
Thirty minutes ago, my biggest worry was which one of us was going to get stuck wearing this stupid dress.
You look beautiful, Chet.
I should have told you earlier.
(Panting) Okay.
Everything is going to be okay.
How do you stop a werewolf? Garlic! Argh! No, that's vampires.
Holy water! Argh! No, that's also vampires.
Hemlock! Argh! No, that's Socrates! Dang it, this stupid maze is making me learn things! (Howling continues) Cyd wouldn't really eat me, would she? (Shrieks) Go ahead, I hope I'm delicious! Shelby, are you okay? Oh, I'm so happy to see you guys.
Of course you are.
Cause you're terrified of my maze! No, Barry, you don't understand No, you two are the ones who didn't understand.
You both thought my maze wouldn't be scary.
And yet here you are, completely freaking out.
Barry, behind you! (Snarling) Oh, you'd love to put this behind me.
Just face it, facts are scarier than anything you can think of.
Werewolf! Yes, werewolves, vampires, banshees No, Barry! (Growls) (High-pitched screaming) Cul-de-sac! That was a cul-de-sac! This way! (Growling) (High-pitched screaming) Shelby, what is going on? Why are we being chased by a werewolf? Diesel ate some of your wolf hormone, and then barfed it on Cyd, and she turned into a werewolf.
(Growling) (Snarling) I can't believe my sweet Cyd is actually trying to hurt us.
The Cyd we once knew is gone forever, along with the 40 bucks she owed me.
Which is not important right now.
I'm just sorry to lose it.
Her.
(Snarling) What are you doing? I can't just leave her like this.
(Snarls) Shelby, be careful! It's okay.
I know that she would never hurt me.
(Growls) Cyd, you're my best friend.
I mean, you tried so hard to help me that you accidentally turned yourself into a werewolf.
I know you're in there somewhere.
Come back to me.
(Snarls) I don't think it's working.
Check her tags.
Maybe it's not Cyd.
(Hisses) (Snarling) Come on, Cyd.
I know you're in there.
(Snarling stops) Shelby? Cyd! You're back! Shelby, I'm so sorry I tried to eat you.
Honestly, if you tried to eat anybody else, I would have been jealous.
Is that sweet or creepy? Little bit of both.
Barry, please tell me this isn't permanent.
How do I change back? Well, if you're anything like the mice in my lab, you should go back to normal in a few hours.
(Stutters) A few hours? What am I going to do until then? I think I have an idea.
(People screaming) (Growling) Oh, man, did you see that? Those people were so scared! That one guy, he's gonna tell you he didn't pee a little, but he totally did.
Trust me, I've got wolf nose.
I can smell everything.
(Laughs) Look at you, terrifyin' without even tryin', the girl who will make you hurl, the Were with the big scare.
Thanks for saving my carnival.
Thanks for trusting me to go off-leash.
I better get back in there before people start learning stuff.
At least one good thing came out of Cyd turning into a werewolf.
She saved your lousy maze.
It is not lousy! I'm sure there was someone, who was deeply troubled by the mistakes of science.
I am deeply troubled.
I mourn the loss of my youth.
Yes! I ruined that young couple's life! I think having a big kid Halloween was a mistake, Chet.
I feel like I've aged 50 years.
More decaf? (Gasps) At this hour? Just half a cup.
Ugh, I'm trying to do my sudoku.
Where are my cheaters? They're on your head.
Every day with you! (Thumping) (Snarling) Did you hear that? Those creepy footsteps on the stairs? No.
(Snarls) Hey.
(Screaming) That was terrifying! I feel like a kid again!