Better Things (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Alarms

1 [rock] - [ends] - [applause] Sam: Whoo! Yeah! You wanna smoke? Oh.
No, I'm I'm okay.
Is this your place? You don't smoke? No, I'm good with my beer.
I like to drink.
I like to drink, too, Do you like the space? Oh, yeah.
Are you kidding me? It's amazing.
It's so cool.
God, you're adorable.
I'm [clears throat] You an artist? Oh, no.
I'm just an art lover.
Ah! Well, I'm a lover of art lovers.
Does that count at all, or [clears throat] Mm-hmm.
Those are my sculptures there in the front.
Really? I love them.
The lady torso things? They're so beautiful.
It's bullshit, but it sells.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Hi there.
Hey, I want you to meet my friend Roscoe.
Okay, baby.
Nice to meet you.
No Very nice.
- Enjoy the beer.
- I am.
- Uh-huh.
- Come on.
- Thank you.
Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles.
All right, well [sighs] Okay, that's fine.
That's fine.
[rock] It's time to wake up - Hi.
- Hi.
What happened? Brush your teeth, take a cup Did you tell his wife that you're gay? - I don't think I had to.
- Mm-hmm.
Meanwhile, in other news, I just got cock-blocked by my daughter.
You wanna get out of here? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Don't like those.
Love your work.
Come on, now.
Look, I'm finally getting some titty.
Remember when Paul McCartney married that that teenage one-legged model for five minutes? And for that, she got to keep all his Beatles money? Like, just because he wanted to shtupp her, she got to keep half of his genius money.
And then he married a lady 10 years younger, and everybody was like, "Eww! What does he have, like, an old-lady fetish?" [chuckles] - Asshole, wake up.
- What? You're sleeping.
I'm pouring my heart out to you.
You were? What did I miss? I can't believe how old we are.
I can't believe how good we look.
It's so crazy.
It's like, right now, it just feels like 50th birthday parties, gay weddings, and funerals.
I mean I used to think the scary part about getting older was dying, and it turns out that the scary part of getting older is young people.
It's like we're the Indians, and they're the white settlers, and they keep coming and they take all our resources, and all we're left with is diseased blankets.
[chuckles] I'm afraid of dying.
You are? Have another Ruby Red, Ed.
Yes, Pats.
Honey you need to start writing.
When are you gonna write a book? I know.
I got a hundred things I have to do.
I have to hurry up and get gay married so I can get gay divorced and then gay retire.
I want to get gay married.
You are to me.
Let me have a cigarette.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
- Being bad.
- Mm-hmm.
Mother, you had me But I never had you I wanted you You didn't want me - Come on, I wanna see.
- No, Mom.
- Did you like it? - No.
- Wait, can I have it, since you don't like it? - No! - Uh! - God! Come on, Max, I wanna see.
I'm trying it! Stop knocking.
Hey, Siri, what's the difference between the white man's burden and the black man's burden? - [beeps] - Here's what I found on the Web for what's the difference between the white man's burden and the black man's burden.
Max, come on, already.
I wanna see.
It's fine.
You don't need to see, you just need to buy it.
[Foreign word], it is so sweet that you have three girls.
- Angels.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
Ladies, please enjoy the course.
Thank you, Chef Daria.
Very nice.
Very, very young.
- Not illegal.
- Really cute.
- Joy, smell this.
- Yeah, it's great.
- No, it's okay.
Get in there.
- It's fine.
- I can't really smell things.
- Sam, she has allergies.
No, it's from my brain surgery.
- Oh, shit.
I'm sorry, I forgot.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry, you had brain surgery? - Mmm.
Yes, she had brain surgery.
I mean, they cut her head open, and she was at work, like, a month later.
It's fine, okay? It wasn't cancer or anything.
It was right in the front.
Really easy to take out.
Someone even said, "This is, like, the best possible brain tumor" And I'm not bragging.
You know what? They didn't even have to shave my head.
What they did is, like, they sucked it out through my nose with, like, a straw like, a medical straw.
Did you think you were gonna die or anything? No, not really.
Not, like, seriously.
- Not even when they first told you? - No.
It was my ear, nose, and throat doctor who found it.
When he called me, he was like, "There's this thing on your MRI.
95% of the time, they're benign.
I'm gonna put you together with a brain surgeon.
" Actually, he just texted me earlier the brain surgeon.
- What? Why? - I don't know.
I guess we're sort of friends now.
He wants me to set him up with someone.
It does seem fast to be back on your feet after brain surgery.
Yeah, that's what I think.
Your brain surgeon just texted you to hook him up? That's weird, right? And I don't wanna set people up anymore, okay? - I hate it.
- Why doesn't he just date you? I mean, you're single.
[chuckles] What's your problem? What are you doing? What? Oh, my God.
Jeff's on Tinder? What? Oh, no.
Oh, shoot.
I'm sorry.
- That's shit.
- You husband is on Tinder? - Joy, no offense.
Don't comment.
- Sorry.
- What are you doing? - I'm calling Jeff.
- No, don't! Don't! - No! Enough with this shit, Sunny! Honey, I can't.
[chuckles] You can't It's my life.
It's hard to watch.
I love you.
You think it's harder to watch than it is to be living it? Yeah, it might be.
[stammers] That's just mean.
I know.
And that's all I have for you right now.
I don't know know what to say.
Jesus Christ, I hate him so much.
I just feel like Okay, you got out of yours.
But I Not everybody's ready when you want them to be ready.
You're right.
- [sighs] - Sorry.
I'm really I'm sorry.
Lunches are ready! - Thanks, Mom.
- You got it.
Jessie come get your lunch.
[sighs] I don't eat lunch.
Honey, you're growing.
And please stop, by the way.
- [audience laughs] - Good morning, family.
[applause] I'm so excited to start another day.
- I'm not.
- He won't eat his lunch.
That's my boy.
You don't eat your lunch.
You eat the other guy's lunch, am I right? - Yeah.
Whatever, Dad.
- That's my boy again.
Don't listen to anyone over 30.
[laughter] - Man: And cut.
- [applause] It needs something funnier there.
Well, we need to take a break, but we'll work on it.
- Sammy, great as always.
- Okay, Greg.
[knocking on door] - Hey.
- Hey.
Will you run the next scene with me? Oh, sure.
Come on, I'm just finishing up some kid shit.
So you're a real mom, huh? [chuckles] Yes, sir, I am.
It's so weird you're playing my mom.
Why? Well, because you're hot.
I'd hook up with you.
[clears throat] Which scene do you wanna run? Uh, the first one we're doing today.
It's 2A.
[clears throat] Okay.
This is a nightmare.
- Are they keeping the audience? - I think we're letting them go.
- Oy.
- Please.
You know how many pilots I've shot never made it to broadcast? I don't even care anymore.
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
You are hilarious, by the way.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
- You, too.
- [chuckles] And you're a hottie.
Mmm! Slap a pair of tits on you, you'd be just my type.
Ha! Yeah.
Must be easier for you, though, right? I mean, you come in, you do a day's work, get to move on.
Me, it's just the pressure, you know, of being the guy.
- It's my show.
- Yeah.
Everything's on me, so Yeah, I feel you.
I mean, I had four failed pilots by the time I was 13.
- Oh, shit.
That's brutal.
- Yeah.
- Glad I didn't start young.
- [chuckles] They're firing that Jessie kid, by the way.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
Happening right over there, you wanna watch.
- Oh, shit.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hi, Jessie.
- Hi, Sam.
Buddy It's humiliating.
I know.
Listen, you can't cry.
You just can't cry.
You're never gonna make it unless you learn how to be fired.
- Can you drive me home? - Oh.
My friend drove me.
I don't have a car.
I don't think I can even afford to live now.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Of course.
Come on.
Just keep taking your classes and keep trying.
Don't give up.
You chose to be an actor.
- It's not easy.
- Yeah.
- You're being so cool.
- That's okay.
Can I say something kind of weird? Uh, what? Yeah.
I'm totally hard right now.
Oh, shit, dude.
I'm sorry.
It's just You really make me feel crazy.
I have such a boner.
- Can I take it out? - No, no.
- Please? - No, no! - I have to.
I gotta take it out.
- Stop it! Get out! - Keep the jacket.
- Don't tell anybody.
[door closes] Oh, Jesus! Hi.
I'm sorry I'm late.
It's okay.
Did you order? - Yeah.
- Mmm-kay.
- Hey.
- Hello.
I'll just have some beets.
The beets.
- Great - Thanks.
So how are you? Uh, I'm doing well.
You look well.
How are the girls? Oh, they're, um Everything okay? Yes, Zander, everything's fine.
You're daughters are fine.
You're fine.
[exhales] It's been a long day.
I just shouldn't There's just something I wanted to discuss with you.
[clears throat] Um, and I'm gonna ask you before I begin, to keep an open mind.
My mind is open.
It's completely open.
I can't wait.
Um, I'm putting a project together, which means I'm gonna be in town for the whole summer.
And I'm looking at a place in the Valley not far from our house from the girls' home your home.
I just thought maybe we could talk about how the summer would go.
Oh, well, if you wanna spend time with the girls this summer, that would be great.
Do you want them for the summer? There's camps and stuff, but I'm happy to help you work all that out.
Well, the thing is, um This job is going to take up a lot of time.
These people are really depending on me to shape the whole project.
I mean, really, it's on me.
It's a huge project.
It's actually really exciting.
Okay, so what are you asking me for? Do you wanna see the girls this summer, or you don't? Well, it might be awkward because I'm gonna be right nearby, but I'm not gonna have much time.
Okay, I got it.
You want me to help you make the girls not be upset that they still won't get to see you, even though you're gonna be around.
[stammers] It's a really big opportunity.
Zander, they don't care.
- Hey - Yeah, I'm telling you good news here, man.
You don't have to worry about it.
They're living their lives.
I mean, they're happy if they get to see you, but they don't expect anything from you.
That's not fair.
You're right, it isn't.
You're always so superior.
Thank you.
[exhales] I just wanna die right now.
[scoffs] [scoffs] You know, I'm not gonna eat these beets.
I'm gonna go.
Thanks for your help.
Thank you for your help.
[alarm blaring in distance] Mom, Gram.
- [alarm continues] - Gram's home.
Uh! It'll stop.
She'll get it.
I'll be right back.
Watch the stove.
[alarm blaring] [groans] [alarm continues] [phone ringing] Mom? - [alarm stops] - Mom? [phone ringing] Yes, hello? Hi.
Everything's okay.
The password is Tweedledee.
- Yes.
Thank you.
- Why is my door open? - Hi.
Mom? - Hello? - Mom, hi, I'm here.
- Hello, sweetheart.
Your alarm was going crazy.
- It was? Oh, dear.
- Yeah.
Mom, why do you even set it? Who's gonna come in here? They'd be scared of all the piles.
I like it.
And it comforts me.
And I like my things.
- Okay.
- [keys jingle] - Mom? - Hmm? What if I paid you to clean off one surface in your house? - Just one.
- Well, I'll have you know, I've been weeding out.
I got rid of several papers yesterday, and I've got a bag in the garage ready to donate.
Do you want to see the shoes I got today? If you have a bag ready to donate, can you give it to me, so I can get rid of it for you today? No, sweetheart, I'm adding to it.
I'm not ready for you to take it yet.
- You look so pretty in that color.
- Okay.
You wanna come for dinner? I'm making.
Oh, that would be lovely, but I got bridge.
- Okay.
See you.
- Oh, before you go, can you come have a look at my printer? Because I'm having a devil of a time trying to get some important papers printed out.
- Okay, sure.
- It's just in here.
Phyl, where's your printer? It's over there, darling.
Look, there.
Oh, well, I have to take this off of it.
Put it over there.
[groans] Okay.
It wasn't turned on.
- Really? - Yeah.
Isn't that strange.
It was turned on.
You sure you didn't turn it off? [sighs] Maybe that's why the alarm went off.
Perhaps somebody was in here and they turned my printer off.
Well, I gotta go.
I gotta go.
Um, oh, do you have any vodka? I always have vodka.
It's in the garage in the freezer.
This is very peculiar.
That's called Blue Ice, and it's very good vodka, and it's American made, which is important.
I know, I know.
[wincing] My damn hands.
Oh, God.
Did you ask your doctor if he could get you pot? Yes, I did, but he said he couldn't prescribe it to me, only to cancer patients.
Oh, God.
I'm gonna have Macy get you some.
- All right, dear.
- It's very easy.
But I don't like to smoke it.
I wouldn't mind to eat some of it, but I don't like the smoking of it.
I was told there was a candy or something.
- Not too sweet.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, they have all that stuff.
I'll get it for you with Macy.
- Okay? Schnapps.
- Okay, dear.
I had jury duty this week.
Believe it or not, I was on a jury.
And it was only a couple of days, but it was fascinating to me.
My first time called, and I was, you know, chosen at random to be on the jury.
And they chose me to be the foreperson.
- Okay, well, bye.
- Oh, come.
Mom, please don't touch my hair.
I can't win, Bad girl, bad girl.
Mom? Can we get rid of some of these things? Please.
Don't the piles make you crazy? Can we get rid of some of the piles? So you see the piles? I don't want to talk about it! Please! It makes me upset.
I've had a very long day, and I just want to have a little rest before I go out.
I'm sorry.
Let's go.
We're gonna have dinner.
You're coming.
No, I can't, because it's bridge.
No, bridge is tomorrow.
- What's today? - Today is Tuesday.
- Bridge is Wednesday.
- Oh, so it is.
Tell me about jury duty.
Well, I thought it was a murderer's case, because the man in the dark had eyebrows that met together, and he had a sort of very grim face.
- Oh, wait.
- So I thought that it was definitely him.
And I said to my fellow jury people, "Let's convict him.
" Because I just wouldn't have trusted a man like that.
Um, he may have been, you know, a perfectly nice person.