Big Bang Theory Episode Scripts

The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization

Ok The X10's are online Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP racing down fibre optic cable at the speed of light to San Fransisco, bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be headed off to submerge transatlantic cables, terminating in Halifax, Nova Scotia and transfered across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP And the extend receiver attached to this Lamp.
Look at me, look at me.
I've got goosebumps.
- Are we ready for the stereo? - Go for stereo.
- Hey guys.
- Hello.
It's a little loud.
No problem Turning it down.
San Francisco, Lisbon, Halifax et voilà! - OK, thanks.
- Hang on, hang on.
Do you not realise what we just did? Yeah, you turned your stereo down with your laptop.
No, we turned our stereo down, by sending a signal around the world via the Internet.
Oh.
You know you can get one of those universal remotes from Radioshack? They're really cheap.
No, you don't get it.
Howard, - Enable public access.
- Public access enabled.
- Boy, that's terrific.
I'll see ya.
- No hang on, hang on See? No.
Someone in Sichuan province, China, is using his computer to turn our lights on and off.
Oh, that's handy.
Here's a question Why? Because we can.
They found our remote control cars! - Wait, what's on top of that? - Wireless webcams, wave hello! The monster truck is out of Austin, Texas, and the blue Viper is being operated from suburban Tel Aviv.
- You may want to put on slacks.
- What? Ew, stop it! No! Leave me alone! - Who's running the red Corvette? - That would be me.
The Big Bang Theory - Season 1 - Episode 9 You know in the future, when we're disembodied brains in jars, we're going to look at this as eight hours well wasted.
I don't want to be in a jar.
I want my brain in an android body.
Eight feet tall and ribbed.
I'm with you.
I just have to make sure if I'm a synthetic human I'd still be Jewish.
I promised my mother.
I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised.
But that's something your rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturer.
Not to mention you'd have to power down on saturdays.
Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash? Well, there's always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter but Occam's rasor would suggest that someone threw it out.
It's from the Institute of Experimental Physics, they want us to present our paper on the properties of supersolids at the topical conference of Bose-Einstein condensates.
I know.
I read it before I threw it out.
Ok, if I may drill down to the bedrock of my question: why did you throw it out? Because I have no interest in standing in the Rose room of the Pasadena Marriot, in front of a group of judgmental strangers who wouldn't recognise true genius if it was standing in front of them giving a speech.
Which if I were there, would be.
I don't know Sheldon.
Those topical conferences on Bose-Einstein condensates' parties are legendary - Forget the parties! - Forget the parties? What a nerd.
Are there any other honours I've got that I don't know about? Did the UPS dropped off a Nobel prize with my name on it? Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel prize, is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassles on flying carpets.
the only thing missing from that insult was: "your mama".
I got one Hey Leonard, - Your mama's research methodology is so flawed - Shut up, Howard.
- Sheldon, we have to do this.
- No, we don't.
We have to take a nourishment, to expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying.
Everything else is optional.
Ok, let me put it this way: I'm doing it.
You can't.
I'm the lead author.
Come on, the only reason you're the lead author is because we went alphabetically.
I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation with dealing with the fact that it was my idea.
Now to put too fine a point to it, but I was throwing you a bone.
You're welcome.
Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.
That doesn't mean proving.
So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word? They're not supposed to, but they should.
Alright, I don't care what you say.
I'm going to the conference and I'm presenting our findings And I forbid it.
You forbid it? If I'm not taking credit for our work then nobody is.
- So, you admit that it's our work.
- No.
Once again, I'm throwing you a bone.
And once again, you are welcome.
So, how's it going with Sheldon? Are you guys still not talking to each other? Not only is he still not talking to me, but there's this thing he does where he stares at you and tries to get your brain to explode.
You know, like in the classic sci-fi movie "Scanners"? Like.
Bzzz.
Nevermind.
How about this one? It says, I know my physics, but I'm still a fun guy.
Oh, I didn't know they still made corduroy suits.
They don't, that's why I saved this one.
Ok, well, let's just see what else you have.
Ok, here.
Take this.
and this, and this, and this, and these Is this all stuff you want me to try on? No, this is stuff I want you to throw out.
Seriously, don't even give it to charity, you won't be helping anyone.
What's this? That's the bottled city of Kandor.
You see, Kandor was the capital city of the planet Krypton.
It was miniaturised by Brainiac before Krypton exploded and then rescued by Superman.
Oh, nice.
It's a lot cooler when girls aren't looking at it.
Here, why don't you put these while I find a shirt and a sport cut match.
Right, be right back.
Where are you going? Just put them on.
Here? Oh, are you shy? - No, I'm not shy.
- Don't worry I won't look.
I know you won't look.
Why would you look? There's nothing to see Well, not 'nothing' Sweetie, put the pants on.
So, you know, isn't there maybe some way you and Sheldon could - compromise on this whole presentation thing? - No, No.
Scientists do not compromise.
Our minds are trained to synthetize facts and come to inarguable conclusions.
Not to mention, Sheldon is back-crap crazy.
What is this? Oh, careful.
That's my original series Battlestar Galactica flight suit.
Oh, why didn't you wear it on Halloween? Because it's not a costume, it's a flight suit.
Ok, alright, moving on.
Oh, wow.
A paisley shirt.
It goes with my corduroy suit.
if you mean it should end up in the same place, then I agree.
Is this your only tie? Technically, yes.
But, if you'll notice It's reversible! So it works as two.
Sweetie, I don't even think it works as one.
- Is this all your clothes? - Eh, yeah.
Everything since the eighth grade.
- The eighth grade? - My last growth sprout Ok, well, let's go back to the curdoroy suit.
- Great.
- Yeah.
I said no.
Put it down.
Hey Sheldon.
Hello Penny.
Get anything good? Just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics quarterly.
Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn't.
It was a joke.
Yep.
Tip you waitresses.
I'm here all week.
Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness, know that I'm perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence.
Oh, yeah ok, me too.
Zip it, lock it.
Put it in your pocket.
- So, you and Leonard - Oh dear God Little misunderstanding, huh? A little misunderstanding? Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.
Anyway, I was talking to Leonard this morning and I think he feels really bad about it.
How do you feel? I don't understand the question.
I'm just asking if it's difficult to be fighting with your best friend.
I haven't thought about it like that.
I wonder if I've been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil Wait, what? I couldn't poop this morning.
You should just talk to him, I'm sure you guys can work this out.
- Certainly preferable to my plan.
- Which was? A powerful laxative.
You absolutely should talk to him.
Look, I know Leonard values you as a friend and he told me himself without your little idea there's no way he could come up with this whole experiment thing.
Excuse me.
"Little idea"? Yeah, I mean he tried to explain it to me, - I didn't really understand it but - Of course you didn't.
He said: "Little idea"? Oh, well, no Not - Not in those words.
- In what words then, exactly? Oh, you know Gee.
The exact words are It's more the spirit in which he said - What did he say? - You had a lucky hunch Hey, Sheldon, I've been thinking, instead of arguing about this Don't you ever speak to me again.
What? Ok, I'm leaving for the conference.
Have fun presenting my "lucky hunch" Shel, I didn't mean it like that.
- Then why did you say it? - I don't know, I wasn't - Were you trying to impress Penny? - No, no, not at all.
A little bit.
How did that work out for you? - Leonard, ready to go? - Libido: 1 Truth: 0.
Ok, I'm gonna ask you one more time.
We did the work together, let's present the paper together.
And I'm telling you for the last time, it's pandering, it's undignifying, and bite me.
Let's go.
- Bye Sheldon.
- Goodbye Penny.
One of these days bshh! There you go.
You're right this side does look better.
No, no, I didn't say better, I said "less stained".
I just checked the house.
There's probably 20-25 people in there.
- You're kidding! - Is that all? "All?" In particle physics 25 is Woodstock! - Then good! - I wasn't expecting such a crowd, I'm all nervous.
It's ok, just open with a joke, you'll be fine.
A joke Ok.
How about this? Um, ok There's this farmer and he has these chickens but they won't lay any eggs, so he calls a physicist to help.
The physicist then does some calculations, and he says: "I have a solution, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum".
Right? Oh, sorry, I just had heard it before.
- Let's roll.
Hey, nice suit.
- It's a classic, right? I really should have brought my own car.
So, in conclusion, the data show that at temperatures approaching absolute zero, the moment of inertia changes, and a solid becomes a supersolid, which clearly appears to be a previously unknown state of matter.
Thank you! - Are there any questions? - Yeah.
What the hell was that? Any other questions? Doctor Sheldon Cooper here, I am the lead author of this particular paper.
Thank you.
And you sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park and I saw these children on a merry-go-round which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gases like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero.
I didn't skip it.
It's just an anecdote, it's not science.
Oh, I see.
It was the apple falling on Newton's head, - was that just an anecdote? - You are not Isaac Newton.
No, no, that's true.
Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
You continue to underestimate me, my good man.
Look, if you weren't happy with my presentation then maybe you should have given it with me! As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don't need validation from lesser minds.
No offense.
Really, so why did you come? Because I knew you'd screw this up.
I didn't screw it up! Oh, please.
I admit that spherical chicken joke, - that was hilarious.
- Thank you.
But it was straight downhill from there.
I've had enough of your condescendship.
Maybe I didn't go to college when I was 11 like you.
Maybe I got my doctorate at but you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room! No offense.
And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation! So you admit you're an egotist? Yes! My name is doctor Leonard Hofstadter and I can never please my parents so I need all my self esteem from strangers like you! But he's worse! Ok, that's it! Stop it! You cannot blow up my head with your mind! Then I'll settle for your aneurism! - Stop it! - You hit me! You saw that he hit me! You tried to blow up my head! So it was working! It wa It was not! You're a nutcase! We'll see about that! Heads up, you people in the front row! This is a splash zone! Stop it! Just quit it! Is this usually how these physics things go? More often than you think.
You could have offered me a ride home.
You're lucky I didn't run you over.
I really don't understand what you're so unhappy about.
You begged me to come, I came.
There's just no pleasing you.
You're right, I'm the problem, I'm the one that needs help.
Well, that's not much of an apology but I'll take it.
Excuse me, is there anything you would apologise for? Yes.
I'm sorry I tried to blow up your head.
It was uncalled for.
You won't believe this.
Somebody got the whole thing with their cell phone and put it on YouTube! What? - Who would do that? - That would be me.
Hey, check it out, it's a featured video! He hit me! You saw that he hit me! [i]You tried to blow up my head![/i] - Then it was working! - It was not working! You're a nutcase! We will see about that! You people in the front row heads up! This is splash zone Stop it! Leave it, leave it! You want a volcano nerve pinch! You should clip your fingernails! Those hurt! Oh, Jeez.
does this suit really look that bad? Forget your suit, look at my arms waving.
I'm like a flamingo on Ritalin.
Howard, would you like to explain to me why your Facebook page has a picture of me sleeping on your shoulder captioned "me and my girlfriend"? Uh oh, here comes the talk.
- You hit me! - You tried to blow up my head! - So it was working! - It was not working! You're a nutcase! We will see about that!