Big Bang Theory Episode Scripts

The Einstein Approximation

What you doing? Attempting to view work as a peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain.
Interesting.
I usually just have coffee.
-You've been up all night? -Is it morning? -Yes.
-Then I've been up all night.
And you're stuck? Why else would a person try to engage their superior colliculus? Uh, sorry, sweetie.
I can't help you till I've had my coffee.
If you don't put him in his crate at night, he just runs around the apartment.
What is he doing now? Mm, he's either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually or looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off.
Captain Hook's hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator.
If you're going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.
Aye, aye, captain.
I can't see it.
It just won't coalesce.
Maybe you need a fresh start.
You're right.
[TIRES SCREECHING] [CAR HORN HONKS] Great idea, Leonard.
Thank you.
Electrons move through graphene, act as if they have no mass.
How long has he been stuck? Mm, intellectually, about 30 hours.
Emotionally, about 29 years.
Unit cell contains two carbon atoms.
Interior angle of a hexagon is 120 degrees.
Have you tried rebooting him? [BOTH LAUGHING] No.
I think it's a firmware problem.
Hey, it's disco night at the Moonlight Roller Rink tonight.
Who's up for getting down? Oh, that's perfect.
Bernadette's been hawking me to take her roller skating.
Penny likes to skate.
The four of us could double.
We're in.
Great.
It's not like I brought it up because I wanted to go.
-You can come with us.
-No.
I don't have to go.
I'm happy just to guide you to suitable entertainment choices.
I'm a walking, brown yelp.
com.
Structure, constant structure.
One atom.
Boy, he's really gone, isn't he? Yeah.
This morning he used a stick of butter as deodorant.
I thought I smelled popcorn.
The same as fermions.
Travels on a pathway.
Hexagonal.
Always hexagonal.
I haven't seen him this stuck since he tried to figure out the third Matrix movie.
[SHELDON GASPS] Hey.
Those are my lima beans.
Not lima beans.
Carbon atoms.
But if I don't eat my lima beans, I can't have my cookie.
Here.
You want my peas? Peas.
Perfect.
They can be electrons.
You want my corn? Don't be ridiculous.
What would I do with corn? Roller skating.
Shall we grab a bite to eat first? Good.
P.
F.
Chang's? My mom has coupons.
LEONARD: Oh, great.
-Your mom is not coming, right? -Not this time.
I promise.
Just to be clear, roller-skating was my idea.
I'm unhappy that you turned it into a date and I hope you both fall on your asses and break your coccyxes.
The plural of "coccyx" is "coccyges.
" Screw you.
Give me back my lima beans.
Oh, my God.
Have you ever been so embarrassed? Not recently.
I don't know which was lamer, their roller skating or their disco dancing.
For me, the worst part was when people saw us leave with them.
You had some nice moves out there, Howard.
-Thanks.
You too.
-You noticed all the people looking at us? Not really.
I was in my boogie zone.
-And when Howard tried to do the splits? -Shh.
Sorry, I'm moving slow.
-I think I bruised my coccyx.
-Aw, poor baby.
Don't tell Koothrappali.
-After you.
PENNY: Oh.
What a gentleman.
Hey, Sheldon.
[YELLS] LEONARD: Oh, my God, are you--? Whoa! Good Lord! You're ruining everything! -Oh, damn.
-Are you okay? Do I look okay? Don't bark at me.
I fell too.
You've been falling all night.
You're used to it.
Sheldon, what are you doing? The same thing I've been doing.
Trying to figure out why electrons have no mass -when traveling through graphene.
-With marbles? I needed something bigger than peas, now, didn't I? Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep? Two, three days.
Not important.
I don't need sleep.
I need answers.
I need to determine where in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squateth the toad of truth.
The toad of truth? Is that a physics thing? No.
That's a crazy thing.
Okay, Sheldon.
What happens to our neuroreceptors when we don't get enough REM sleep? They lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine.
Which leads to? Impaired cognitive function.
Right.
So march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed.
But I don't wanna go to bed.
I'm gonna count to three.
One-- Oh, all right.
That was amazing how you handled him.
I know how to deal with stubborn children.
My mother used to run an illegal daycare center in our basement.
[MAN CACKLING] Leonard.
You're giggling in your sleep.
It's not me.
It's my new ring tone.
The Joker.
From Batman.
Well, it creeps me out.
Me too.
But I paid 3 bucks for it.
Well, just answer the phone.
Hello? Yeah, I'm Leonard Hofstadter.
Yeah.
He's my roommate.
Oh.
Is he okay? All right.
I'll be right there.
What happened? Sheldon's escaped and is terrorizing the village.
Okay, have fun.
Hi.
I'm Dr.
Hofstadter.
-Where is he? -Ball pit.
-Thanks for not calling the cops.
-Oh, it's no big deal.
My sister's got a kid who's special.
Yeah, well, he's extra special.
Hey, Shelly.
What you doing? Size ratio was all wrong.
Couldn't visualize it.
Needed bigger carbon atoms.
Sure, sure.
How did you get into this place? Back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single circuit alarm.
Child's play.
You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.
No, I don't think so.
We need to go home now.
But I'm still working.
If you don't come out of there, I'm gonna have to drag you out.
You can try but you'll never catch me.
For God sakes.
Sheldon, come here! Buzzinga.
Buzzinga.
Buzzinga.
Buzzinga.
Buzzinga.
Leonard and Penny.
-Leonard and Penny.
-Aah! LEONARD: What? What, what, what? [LEONARD & PENNY SIGH] Leonard and Penny.
-What? -I have good news.
And you had to barge in and wake us up -in the middle of the night? -Your cell phone was off.
Because we didn't wanna be disturbed.
That didn't work out, did it? Sheldon, what do you want? I came to tell you I've got the answer.
Really? You figured out the graphene problem? No, I'm still hopelessly stuck on that.
But I figured out how to figure it out.
I know I said I could handle your roommate, but I was wrong.
We have to break up.
What are you talking about? SHELDON: Ahem.
PENNY: Oh.
Einstein.
Yeah.
I'm gonna need a little more.
Albert Einstein.
Keep going.
When Einstein came up with special relativity he was working at the patent office.
So you're gonna go work at the patent office? Oh, don't be absurd.
That's in Washington.
I could never live in a city whose streets are laid out in a wheel-and-spoke pattern.
No.
I'm going to find a similarly menial job where my basal ganglia are occupied with a routine task freeing my prefrontal cortex to work quietly in the background.
A great plan.
Of course.
Even talking to you is sufficiently menial.
I can feel the proverbial juices starting to flow.
Okay.
Well, thanks for sharing with us.
-Good night.
-You're welcome.
Good night to you too.
[PENNY & LEONARD SIGH] Oh.
By the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment.
I noticed your snoring seems to be worse when you're on your back.
No.
Leonard doesn't snore.
No.
I wasn't talking to Leonard.
Told you.
So, Mr.
Cooper, you're looking for a job.
A menial job.
Like yours.
Why, thank you for noticing.
I'm menial employee of the month.
Do you have a particular field in mind? I do.
For thousands of years the lowest classes of the human race have spent their lives laboring to erect monuments under the lash of betters.
Until finally they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged.
Do you have anything like that? -No.
-Shouldn't you check your database? No.
You didn't really type.
I didn't really have to.
So how about construction? Oh, that would be good.
Yeah, sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working-class fellows and I sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis.
No, no.
This is putting up sheetrock at a housing project in Rosemead.
-I could do that.
-Good.
-One question.
-Yes? What's sheetrock? Moving on.
How about doing deliveries for a florist? That seems acceptable.
-Do you have your own car? -I don't drive.
Of course you don't.
Mr.
Cooper, let me just ask you a question.
What was your last job? Senior theoretical particle physicist at CalTech, focusing on M Theory.
Or in layman's terms, string theory.
I see.
Just give me a second.
Security! Okay.
I'll get those drinks started for you.
Behind you.
Sheldon? What the hell are you doing? Trying to get these tables cleared.
We're slammed.
No, wait.
Wait.
No, wait.
What are you doing here? A reasonable question.
I asked myself: "What is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable?" Three answers came to mind.
A toll booth attendant, an Apple store genius and what Penny does.
Now, since I don't like touching other people's coins and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word "genius" here I am.
You just walked in and they hired you? -Just like that? -Oh, heavens no.
Since I don't need to be paid, I didn't need to be hired.
I simply came in, picked up a tray and started working for the man.
Let me get that plate out of your way.
Sheldon, this is ridiculous.
Is it? Just a moment ago, I had a minor epiphany regarding polymer degradation phenomenon while scraping congealed nachos off a plate.
-Bernadette, table 10 wants their check.
-Thanks.
Sheldon, wait.
This isn't even what I do.
I'm a waitress, not a busboy.
You're right.
That is more menial.
Hello, I'm Sheldon.
I'll be your server today.
I don't recommend the salmon.
I saw it in the kitchen.
All right.
One bacon cheeseburger breaking two Jewish dietary restrictions simultaneously.
Kudos.
And beer-battered fish and chips.
Now, here's your tartar sauce.
I also brought you salsa.
A little unconventional, but I think you'll like it.
It's zingy.
And for you, Factory Burrito Grande, no cheese, no sour cream no ugly consequences from your lactose intolerance.
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH] Hang on.
-Black beans, not pinto beans? -Yes.
-Guacamole? No cilantro? Lettuce? -Yep.
-Understand why I'm doing this? -I do.
That'll be all.
That was fun.
[ALL LAUGH] How long can he keep this up? I heard about this professor who melted down, bought a van spent the rest of his life as a dog groomer.
Never went back to the university? Only to shampoo Professor Shamburg's shih tzu.
Sheesh.
You know, I bet if we all chipped in, we could buy Sheldon a van.
But he's afraid of dogs.
Yeah.
That's the only thing wrong with that plan.
Hey, guys.
Sorry you had to wait, but we are swamped.
What's this? Sheldon took our order.
Sheldon doesn't work here.
Well, honey, not to complain but we were starting to think you didn't either.
[DISHES SHATTER] Is that really necessary? Good Lord.
The interference pattern in the fracture.
The motion of the wave through the structure.
I've been looking at it all wrong.
I can't consider the electrons as particles.
They move through the graphene as a wave.
It's a wave! The moment to applaud would be now.
Troglodytes.
Sheldon.
Where are you going? Aren't you gonna clean this? I'm sorry, I don't work here.
[MURRAY HEAD'S "ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] -Happy now? -I'm on a cloud.
Swing me.
Not much between despair and ecstasy One night in Bangkok And the tough guys tumble Can't be too careful with your company I can feel the devil walking next to me LEONARD: Sheldon, come here! Buzzinga.
Buzzinga.
Buzzinga.
Buzzinga.
Buzzinga.