Big Bang Theory Episode Scripts

N/A - The Cohabitation Experimentation

1 There was water everywhere.
It was such a mess.
That stinks.
How long are you out of the apartment? About five weeks.
Ugh! Did you lose anything valuable? Well, the pipe was over my closet, so all my clothes are gone.
Oh, so nothing.
Great.
Do they know why the pipe burst? They didn't say.
Buildings that have a combination of copper and galvanized steel are susceptible to pinholes and corrosion caused by the mobility of ions in the water.
Can't have your head shoved in a toilet as much as I did and not pick up a few things about plumbing.
Well, if you need a place to crash, you can stay with us.
- Really? - Of course.
You can stay in Leonard's room, and we'll stay at my place.
You're sure that's not an inconvenience? No, not at all.
And we live with Sheldon, so the word "inconvenience" has really lost all meaning.
So, technically, I'd be moving in with my boyfriend? I guess so.
I'd finally get to live alone with my husband.
Oh, my, this is a big step.
Mm-hmm.
For two of us, it's in the right direction.
Why are you all smiling like crazy people? Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! The Big Bang Theory 10x04 The Cohabitation Experimentation Original @elderman Cohabitation with my girlfriend? That's a great deal to process.
Mm.
It's only for five weeks.
Yeah, and we'll be right across the hall.
What do you think? I don't know.
What if living together kills the romance? Okay, you guys had sex one whole time.
Nothing can put out a fire like that.
Yeah, but what happens when we each get a peek behind the curtain? I mean, she's never even seen me unshaven.
You just shaved yesterday.
You're good for three months.
Sheldon, I understand your apprehension, but let me appeal to the scientist in you.
Given the five-week end date, isn't it the perfect opportunity to consider this an experiment and collect data on our compatibility? Don't try luring me in with sexy talk.
LEONARD: Okay.
Star Trek: The Original Series.
The Enterprise was on a five-year mission to explore new worlds.
Think of this as your personal five-week mission to do the same.
If you want to lure me in with sexy talk, that's how you do it.
Don't be proud of that.
So, is that a yes? Not yet.
I How will I learn if I'm comfortable living with Amy or just comfortable because I'm in my own apartment? Now, if this experiment is going to be valid, I suggest a neutral environment.
Well, where would you go? Well, ideally, an enclosed, self-sustaining biodome in New Mexico.
Where we would eat crops fertilized with our own waste.
And you were worried about the romance.
PENNY: Wait.
Why don't you guys stay across the hall, and we will live here? Interesting.
If my official residence were across the hall, I wonder if I'd need to knock every time I came over here.
That's a good question.
Maybe just don't come over.
Historically, I don't do well with change.
Okay, it won't be that bad.
We wouldn't even sit in your spot while you're gone.
You're darn right, you wouldn't.
No matter where I am, this will always be my spot.
Like an embassy in a foreign country, this seat is the sovereign soil of my bottom.
Just nod and smile.
He's almost gone.
Sheldon, what do you think? (sighs) Very well.
I'm on board.
- Seriously? - Yes.
I accept this five-week mission to share a living space with my girlfriend.
Oh.
This is so exciting.
Well, now, don't be surprised if, like Star Trek, it's canceled in three.
I have to say, I am happy with your ob-gyn.
Cool.
'Cause she says you're doing a great job as "weird friend who doesn't have to be at every appointment.
" I'm the son of a gynecologist.
I could be helpful.
BERNADETTE: It would help if you stopped telling me I have a textbook cervix.
The polite response is, "Thank you for noticing.
" Let me see the sonogram again.
(laughs) Oh, yeah, that's a good-looking baby for a little gray blob.
Yeah, we could name him Blobert.
What if it's a girl? Bloberta.
Or Blobbi with an "I.
" Are we being silly not finding out the sex? Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing.
If you want, you can find out right now.
- Mm.
- Hmm.
The doctor's gone for the day, so it doesn't matter.
Well, somebody else knows because they saw it in the folder.
You looked in our folder?! It was an accident.
The doctor left the folder out on her desk.
It's not my fault I opened it and looked.
So you know the sex of our baby, and we don't?! Flip a coin.
You got a fifty-fifty shot.
It's unbelievable.
- God, Raj.
- What? This is not a problem, okay? If you don't want to know, I don't have to tell you.
We don't want you to know! Okay, well, that's a problem.
You know, I'm very proud of you for trying to live with Amy.
- Oh.
Thank you.
- Mm.
Of course, the ideal way to conduct this experiment would be with four pairs of identical Sheldons and Amys.
One pair that was neither dating nor living together.
One pair that was dating but not living together.
One pair that was living together but not dating.
And then, of course, one pair that was living together and dating.
Although, with that many Sheldons, it'd be such a party, we'd never get anything done.
That was a cute story.
So, um What did you want to ask me? Well, you've lived with your significant other for some time.
I would like this experiment to go well.
Are there any insights you can share? Mm.
Well, the biggie is, if she has an insane roommate, kick him out as soon as possible.
You know, Leonard and I were very happy before you came along.
You've been roommates with Sheldon forever.
Do you have any advice? I'm trying to think of an answer that won't stop you from doing this.
I know it sounds like a cliché, but compromise is key.
Never leave a belt on the floor.
At night, they look like snakes.
Do little things, like bring her a cup of coffee in bed.
Keep M&M'S in your pocket in case you have to wait in a long line.
You're gonna be seeing each other a lot, so respect each other's personal space.
He startles easily, so, please, no flash photography.
How many pairs of underwear did you pack for the move? I don't know.
I didn't count.
You truly are the Goofus to my Gallant.
That's me.
Listen, you and I are gonna be sharing a bed.
You know, this is uncharted territory for both of us.
How are you feeling about that? Oh, excited, concerned, a little scared.
All the same emotions I feel in line at Space Mountain.
Well, if you're nervous about the sleeping arrangements, maybe we should talk about it.
Okay.
Talk.
Well, I imagine one of your concerns might be coital expectations.
Wow, no foreplay or anything, just right to it.
Look, I know this experiment is a big step outside of your comfort zone.
So why don't we take being physical off the table and maybe later on, once we're more settled in, we can revisit it.
You're really okay with that? I've never lived with someone, either.
This is a lot for me, too.
(sighs) This is such a relief.
Honestly, if it didn't get you all worked up, I'd kiss you right now.
Good call.
Seeing your Teen Titans underwear really got my motor running.
I know.
They probably shouldn't sell those to children.
Well, here's your key.
Thank you.
Enjoy having the place to yourselves.
You enjoy your mission to boldly go where no man has gone before.
It's Penny's bedroom.
Plenty of men have gone before.
Now, now, there's no need to make this emotional.
Shall we? I guess this is it.
You guys have fun.
You, too.
Oh, don't forget.
Tuesday the air filters need to be changed.
Yeah, you wrote it on my hand.
Oh.
(chuckles softly) Oh, and every other day, check the water level on the avocado pit.
I'm on it.
15 years from now, we'll make guacamole together.
Leonard, please, let me go.
Come on, Sheldon.
Oh.
Bye.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Well, that's it.
For the next five weeks, we are officially living together.
I guess the experiment begins.
PENNY (whoops): We did it! LEONARD: Yeah! Which side of the bed would you prefer? Doesn't matter to me.
Your choice.
No, no, we're living together now-- everything's equal.
You know? I know that I have a tendency to be controlling, so I would rather you choose.
Well, Sheldon, I really appreciate that, but these things mean more to you than they do to me, so whatever you want.
Well, clearly, it's not whatever I want, because what I want is for you to make this decision, and you refuse to do that.
Well, I'm not refusing.
I'm just trying to be considerate.
Like when you let me get those shoes with the wheels on the bottom, and then watched me roll right into traffic? Sheldon, will you please just pick a side? Fine.
(sighs) Okay.
Now, on this side, I am closer to the exit in case of emergency.
Great.
That's your side.
No, but I'm also closer to the entrance in case of attack.
Okay, I'll take that side.
Ah, then again, what are the odds of someone attacking me? Rising rapidly.
Now, this side offers me proximity to the bathroom, but I am closer to the window where perverts can watch me sleep.
Okay.
What if we do this? I suppose that works.
Great.
Although now I'm kind of worried someone's hiding behind those drapes.
This is ridiculous.
The doctor knows what the baby is, the ultrasound tech knows, Raj knows, his Grey's Anatomy online fan group probably knows.
Is it weird we don't? I don't know.
Maybe the surprise will make it more fun.
Like magic tricks.
Remember how disappointed you were when I explained the never-ending hanky? I was disappointed to see the man I was engaged to pulling rainbow scarves out of his fly.
But how delightful was it when I pulled out a bouquet at the end of those scarves? It'll be the same thing when the doctor pulls a beautiful surprise out of you.
Everyone said I could do better.
But you didn't listen, and presto change-o, my baby's inside you.
Ta-da! (brushing teeth) (Amy hawks, spits) AMY: Ugh.
What is that? (door opens) Why'd you switch sides? Be grateful I'm still in the room.
Comfy? Oh, I'm just happy I don't know what this memory foam remembers.
Sheldon? I know we took coitus off the table, but I was wondering how you feel about other forms of intimacy, such as snuggling.
Well, it's funny you should ask, because I was wondering how you'd feel about separating the two of us with a pillow wall.
Sheldon, I've made more than enough accommodations for you.
We're both grown adults-- we've been far more intimate than this.
If you don't want to snuggle, fine-- but we're not building a pillow wall.
Okay, well, I am sorry.
I'm just worried that my sensitivity to temperature could make this a rough night.
And no offense, but your bottom radiates enough heat, I'm surprised there aren't iguanas lying on it.
That's it.
It's Sheldon's bedtime.
He is in for the night.
Wow.
I cannot believe we are alone in our own apartment.
(chuckles): It's weird.
This must be how parents feel when their kid goes off to college.
Unless they feel sad-- then it's different.
So, what do you want to do? I know exactly what we are gonna do.
Really? You're a genius, and that's the first thing you come up with? Hey, Sheldon's not here, so we are going to put on music and dance in our underwear.
Ugh.
Can we just have sex? Oh, don't worry.
Once you see my sweet moves, sex is inevitable.
(intro to "You Never Can Tell" playing) It was a teenage wedding And the old folks wished them well You could see that Pierre Did truly love the mademoiselle And now the young monsieur Inevitable, you say? I'll just let my hips do the talkin'.
It goes to show you never can tell Screw it.
I'm calling and finding out.
Good.
Call him.
Wait, I'm not sure I want to know.
But you just said you wanted to know.
Well, now I don't know if I want to know! Hello? Call you back.
No, Dr.
Feynman.
If I solve it for you, you'll never learn.
Tootsee Roll Tootsee Roll Tootsee Roll, Tootsee Roll Wow! Where did you learn these moves? The world may have forgotten about Dance Dance Revolution, but not this smooth criminal.
To the left, to the left To the right, to the right, to the front.
Okay, you're positive you want to know? - Yes.
- Okay.
Here we go.
It's ringing.
(ringtone playing) Hello? - Wait.
- Wrong number.
(moans) (moans) (moans) (moans) (moans) (moans) (inhales) I told you not to do the worm.
(holding breath): You were right.
(ringtone playing) Hello.
BERNADETTE: I changed my mind! Hang up! Hang up! Oh.
Oh.
Oh, gee-- oh! What are you doing down there? Hang on.
Who are you calling? (click) (screams) I'm so sore.
I don't think I slept two minutes last night.
Yeah, get it, girl.
It's not what you think.
I feel like I pulled something.
Why didn't you tell me to stop? Even more not what you think.
I don't know if I can make it through five weeks living with him.
If you ever need a break, the owner of the train store will let you leave him there while you get a coffee.
Yeah.
Good morning.
See? I didn't knock, but it's fine.
I didn't knock, but it's fine.
I didn't knock, but it's fine.
So, how is everyone? Miserable and exhausted.
Really? I slept great.
Well, I didn't, and it's your fault.
How? You had the whole floor to yourself.
(sighs) Sheldon, maybe living together is a bad idea.
Well Yeah, but what kind of scientists would we be, drawing a conclusion after only 12 hours of data? The kind who almost put a pillow over your face last night.
Wow.
I anticipated we'd have problems, but I never thought your scientific rigor would be one of them.
I'm sorry, are you questioning my integrity as a scientist? If the lab room disposable shoe cover fits.
Was that a science diss? - Yeah.
- Was it a good one? - Eh.
- Ah.
What would a theoretical physicist understand about an experiment anyway? I mean, you wouldn't know a confounding variable if two of them hit you in the face at the same time! And you don't even get that joke, 'cause you don't even work with confounding variables! How dare you? Oh, you heard me.
Your experimental bona fides are laughable.
Whoa, whoa! Now you're making fun of my bona fides? Can't make fun of something that's a null set.
PENNY: I feel like I should say "damn.
" - Do it.
Damn! Well, if you are so protective of the scientific method, perhaps we should use the next five weeks to finish what we started.
Well, for science, maybe I will! For science, maybe you should! - Fine! - Fine! - Good.
- Great.
Do you want to go to our place and make out? Does Stephen Hawking roll through the quad? The new neighbors are weird.
@elderman