Big Bang Theory Episode Scripts

N/A - The Hot Tub Contamination

1 Previously on The Big Bang Theory Cohabitation with my girlfriend? That's a great deal to process.
Hmm? It's only for five weeks.
Let me appeal to the scientist in you.
Given the five-week end date, isn't it the perfect opportunity to consider this an experiment and collect data on our compatibility? Don't try luring me in with sexy talk.
Star Trek: The Original Series.
The Enterprise was on a five-year mission to explore new worlds.
Think of this as your personal five-week mission to do the same.
Oh, you want to lure me in with sexy talk, that's how you do it.
Okay, why don't you guys stay across the hall and we will live here? (exhales) Very well.
I'm on board.
- Seriously? - Yes.
I accept this five-week mission to share a living space with my girlfriend.
This is so exciting.
Well, now, don't be surprised if, like Star Trek, it's canceled in three.
(dramatic music playing) Okay, I'm confused.
Which one is Mr.
Robot? I'll give you a hint.
We're watching Daredevil.
Will you two please inform Amy how much you enjoy adhering to a strict bathroom schedule? - Can't.
- Won't.
- Didn't.
- Don't.
AMY: I told you, you can't regulate every aspect of our lives.
I can if you'd just roll over and accept your fate.
I'm sorry for bringing this over here.
Believe me, we know what you're going through.
And I-I think the most helpful thing we can tell you is no backsies.
Sheldon, I understand that you like things a certain way and I'm willing to make some concessions, but you have to be open to compromise.
She's right.
That's reasonable.
Oh, look who's in favor of compromise, the woman who married Leonard Hofstadter.
Hey, she didn't compromise.
She settled.
There's a difference.
You tell him, babe.
Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! The Big Bang Theory 10x05 The Hot Tub Contamination Original Air Da @elderman What time do you and Bernadette head out? As soon as I get home.
We're hoping to make it before dark.
I've never been to Palm Springs.
Oh, you should go.
It's terrific.
I-I really thrive anywhere the women and the temperature are over 90.
I don't know.
If I want to watch old people sweat, I can just FaceTime my family in India.
It's nice you and Bernadette are getting away.
Well, she wants us to spend more time together before the baby comes.
So then what are you doing here buying comic books? Well, he wants us to spend more time together before the baby comes.
When you live with someone, there's gonna be conflict.
You just have to keep communicating.
I'm open to that.
Well, for starters, there's nothing wrong with keeping our toothbrushes in the same holder.
Sheldon, what do you say to that? I think we should see other people.
What?! Well, as a male, I have an evolutionary drive to perpetuate my DNA.
Restricting myself to a single partner is against my nature.
We sleep together once a year! You want other partners? Don't blame me.
Blame your pal, biology.
He's the pervert pulling the strings here.
You wanna see other people? Go see other people.
(arguing indistinctly) I hope one of those people is a monkey, 'cause this is bananas.
You can make jokes, but if this keeps up, he's gonna move back in here.
All right.
Well, let's just get them apart for a while so they can cool down.
Then before we reintroduce them, we'll give him one of her sweaters so he can get used to her scent again.
So it's okay for you to joke around? No, that's actually what we did with him when Howard came back from space.
Honey, how ya feeling? (Bernadette retching loudly) The book says at this stage of the pregnancy morning sickness should be going away.
(retching) So that's good news, right? The only thing I hate more than you right now is that book! (toilet flushes) There she is! (chuckles) Who's ready for a hot, three-hour car ride to the desert? Next vomit is gonna be in your lap.
I'm sorry.
We don't have to go.
But it's our last chance to take a vacation that's just the two of us.
How 'bout we stay here? We don't even have to tell anyone.
It'll be like a secret vacation at home.
(chuckles) Keeping secrets from our friends-- that does sound kinda fun.
Does it sound sexy? You just heard me throwing up.
You bet I did.
You're so weird.
You know what's weird? How turned on you are right now.
You know, people are quick to accuse me of being difficult to live with, but the truth is, Amy is just as challenging.
Just as challenging.
As you.
Just as challenging as you.
When we're sleeping, she breathes on me.
One night, it got so bad I almost grabbed Toto and headed for the storm cellar.
Leonard breathes on me, too.
It's not a big deal.
She's always complaining about people at work.
Well, so does Leonard.
It's kind of annoying, but it's not the end of the world.
Do you know that when I get out of the shower, she eyes me up and down like I'm a piece of meat? You know, so does Leonard.
Can't I just get ready in the morning without him giving me his goofy thumbs-up? "Hey.
" (chuckles) I know.
Sometimes I would just like to be appreciated for my mind.
Agreed! Thank you! That feels great.
Well, pulling a quarter out of your ear isn't the only magic these hands can do.
In fact, wh-what's this between your toes?! Can you please stop making money come out of me for two minutes? (door opens) (door shuts) (quietly): Was that the front door? (quietly): It sounded like it.
(footsteps) Oh, my God.
Someone's in the house.
Lock the door, lock the door! - We should call the police.
- Uh I left my phone downstairs.
Damn, so did I.
Wait, I have my iPad! What are we gonna do, e-mail 911? That's not helpful! You know I rely on humor in times of stress.
Let me know when you start, because that wasn't funny! (whirring) (bubbling) Is that the hot tub? Who would use our hot tub? (sighs) Well, the answer is both more and less disturbing than you think.
Who is it? Stuart.
He heard me talking about us going away.
I guess he decided to invite himself over? Should we say something to him? Maybe.
How 'bout, "Hey, you look like a boiled chicken breast"? I meant like, "What are you doing here?" Nah, that's not gonna hurt his feelings.
Why is nothing easy with him? Look, here's the thing you need to understand about Sheldon: he's the worst.
I prefer to think of it as high-maintenance.
I prefer to think of myself as five-ten, but I still need to get all my pants hemmed.
I guess I should have known what I was getting myself into.
Don't beat yourself up.
You've never lived with anyone before.
That's true.
And you're starting out with Sheldon Cooper.
That's like getting your first pet and having it be-- I don't know What's a kind of pet that ruins your life? You're not making me feel better.
Look, even when Penny and I started living together, there was a-a learning curve.
But I promise you, it does get easier.
He put a sign up in the bathroom that says, "Number of days without Amy's hair on the soap.
" Yeah.
My record was six.
Is it me, or is there something fun about watching him just float there? Maybe this is why people get fish tanks.
(click) Who just turned the porch lights on? Is someone else here? Hmm.
They must have left the tub on.
Good thing I stopped by.
Ah! (gasping) (screaming) (screaming) What are you doing here?! What are you doing here?! Maybe Howard and Bernadette said I could be here! Did they? Answer the question! What are you doing here?! I had nothing else to do tonight.
The last couple of months, I come here when I know they're not home.
What?! They heard me in the bushes once, but they thought it was a raccoon.
I told you raccoons don't say "Uh-oh.
" You know, one night, Leonard's nose whistled so loud, I swear it was like sleeping on a train track.
Have you noticed it's always an A-flat? Is it? (whistles) Oh! It's like his sinuses are right here in the car.
If we're just going to drive around aimlessly, the least you could do is take me for ice cream.
Yeah, I'll take you for ice cream.
Well, see, why can't Amy be that subservient? She has coitus one time, suddenly she's Gloria Steinem.
Anyway, I suppose an ice cream parlor will be a good place to meet other women.
Oh, please, you're barely interested in a physical relationship with one person.
Why would you want to confuse and disappoint others? Being with Amy has awoken the sexual creature within.
When I see a pretty gal walking down the street, I think, "hubba hubba" like any other guy.
You kiss your mother with that mouth? 'Cause it's fine.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Shall we toast? To Howard and Bernadette, and the house key they never asked me to return.
You said you got it back.
Well, clearly, I lied.
So how's your apartment? Not great.
The electricity's out.
So why don't you get it fixed? I called, and they're like, "Pay your bill!" Of you ever need somewhere to crash, there's always my place.
Oh, no.
I don't want to be an inconvenience.
You've got all your lady friends, and Actually, I'm single now.
STUART: What?! When did that happen? It's okay.
It's by choice.
Well, their choice, and it's not okay.
I didn't know.
Nobody does.
I was embarrassed so I didn't say anything.
Why wouldn't he tell us? Are we bad friends? He's in our hot tub drinking our wine.
Yeah, he deserves to be alone.
So you're back out on the dating scene now? Yeah, yeah, a little.
Oh, that must be fun.
How's that going? I'm in a hot tub with you, so pretty bad.
Maybe I should just give in to his stupid bathroom schedule.
No, don't do that.
- But you did! - Exactly! Learn from my mistakes! No matter where I am at 7:18 a.
, there better be a toilet nearby.
It's just so much easier to give him what he wants.
Oh, true, but think of how much you've accomplished.
Who got him to stop Purelling his pocket change? Me.
And who got him to put things other than gloves in the glove compartment? Me.
It was mittens.
And who got him to try a turkey dog? That was actually Koothrappali, but I did let him spit it out in my hand.
Look, how can you stop now? That's like walking out of Pinocchio right before he becomes a real boy.
You know, you're right.
I'm in this relationship, too.
I need to stand up for myself.
Of course you do.
And if he doesn't like it, he can move back here.
He can try.
He'd just need a good locksmith.
Well, who you gonna hit on? The girl in front of us got strawberry.
That's your favorite.
No, if we both like it, I'll spend the rest of my life opening the freezer and going, "Aw, no strawberry.
" What about the girl behind the counter? Hmm? Well, she spends her whole day scooping.
One arm's probably bigger than the other.
Is it possible you might not actually want to meet someone? You are truly wise.
Thank you.
I'd say wise beyond your years, but you're getting up there.
All right.
Come on.
What is really going on with you? Penny, I am going to tell you a story that I've never told anyone.
All right.
I was 13 years old, and on spring break from college.
Not relating.
Go on.
I came home early because they ran out of math to teach me.
Oh, now I'm with ya.
My mother was at bible study.
I walked in the house expecting to find it empty, and I heard a sound coming from my parents' bedroom.
When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman.
Oh, that's awful! I know.
It's also why I never open a door without knocking three times.
I mean, the first one's traditional, but two and three are for people to get their pants on.
Well, what happened with your dad? We locked eyes, I ran to my room, and we never, ever spoke of it.
You poor thing.
Since Amy and I have been living together, we've been bickering like my parents used to.
And you're afraid you're gonna do something like your dad did? Yes.
I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road.
Down the road? Sheldon, she wanted to share a toothbrush holder with you, and now you're at an ice cream parlor trying to pick up women! Well, anything can sound silly when you put it in that tone.
Honey, instead of worrying about pain you might cause in the future, how about trying to fix the pain you're causing her right now? (sighs) I'm sure you're right.
I suppose I should apologize to you, as well.
That must have hurt watching me look for other women without ever even considering you.
Please understand that I think of you as more of a nanny.
Just finish your ice cream so I can get you home to bed.
I wonder if this is what it feels like to be Bernadette's baby.
I don't know.
Bernadette's baby doesn't have a Jacuzzi jet hitting just the right spot.
Those jets are for my secret spot, not his! What do you do in there?! It's called relaxing, and that's all you need to know.
Well, it's getting late.
Maybe we should head home.
Yeah, you're probably right.
(sighs) You coming? Yeah, just give me a minute.
Why? Well, you know how you're wearing a bathing suit? Yeah? I kind of went the other way.
You jackasses just bought yourselves a hot tub! What do you think? It's a nice enough spot.
You know, if I'm going to start standing up for myself, this is exactly the kind of thing We're back! Oh, hi! Hi! Hello.
How you guys doing? We're doing good.
I think Sheldon has something he would like to say to Amy.
(sighs) I wanted to apologize for my behavior today.
It (clears his throat) It was unnecessary.
This is warm.
Oh, and also, I am willing to forego the bathroom schedule.
Really? Why does she get that?! We never got that! Do you want him back? I'm very happy for you.
Amy, you should know I was never really interested in seeing other women.
And to prove how serious I am about us, I'm willing to take our relationship to the next level.
Amy Farrah Fowler, will you share this toothbrush holder with me? I would love to.
LEONARD: Did we really need to be here for this? Call me crazy, but I found it moving.