Big School (2013) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 Now, we're going to start with Mr Church's fun experiment time.
Now, who would like to see the power of methane? Pat, if you could have the, er, fire extinguisher ready.
So, the methane FAR THE KIDS LAUGH Yes, yes, all right.
All right.
That wasn't the experiment.
THIS is the experiment.
Hey, sir, do that fart one again! THE KIDS LAUGH When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it When we said we'd never change Well, we never stopped to think about it No, we're not the same But let's not break the chain We should play this game together.
Things have been difficult for Josh at home, cos his mum left.
Mm.
Where did she go? Kenya.
We went for a safari holiday.
Josh had always wanted to see a hippopotamus, hadn't you, mate? It was on that holiday that my wife fell in love with a Masai tribesman.
Aah, really?! I have some photographic books at home.
Superb muscle definition.
As you know, Josh is usually so outgoing, but he's been quite subdued.
I imagine the Masai lovemaking is very animalistic.
So if you could just let his teachers know.
What? About Josh's situation.
Yeah Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course.
Thank you, Ms Baron.
Come on, mate.
Go home.
Does the tribe indulge in sexual sharing? Seven across - "revered philosopher".
Clarkson.
Um, can I just have everyone's attention for a moment? Can we have silence, please? Sarah has an announcement.
Thank you.
Over to you, Sarah.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
Um, there is a boy in my tutor group called Josh Hardy who is having some problems at home.
Ha! Heh! Join the club.
What happened? It's just a private family matter.
His mum's on sex safari.
No! No.
Let's just all pretend that we didn't hear that.
We don't need to know exactly what has happened.
We just need to know that something has happened.
And it has happened, so just please bear in mind that Josh is having a I'm going to say "challenging".
.
.
challenging time.
Finished? Yeah.
Thank you very much, everybody.
Thank you.
That was very sensitively put.
Oh, well, thank you.
I've always been one of those people that others come to with a problem.
It's a blessing and curse.
It's mainly a blessing, but it can also a curse.
I think you're right not to let the other teachers know the specific details.
But what are the specific details? Um I can trust you to keep this to yourself? No-one to tell.
Well, um Josh's mother has started a relationship with a non-white, black gentleman from the continent of, um, Africa.
He's a Masai tribesman.
Coloured chap, I take it.
You can't say "coloured" any more.
No.
No, no.
But, yes.
Yes, he is a Masai tribesman.
They do tend to be coloured! I mean, black.
You know.
No, I mean, Afro-Caribbean.
Well, notnot Caribbean.
He's from Africa.
So Afro-ican.
Is that the phrase we use now? Yeah.
Afro-ican.
Hey, Saz.
Er, she's called Sarah, and please respect personal boundaries.
Josh is in my first lesson and I was wondering - should I say something to the class? No! No, no, no, no.
He wouldn't want everyone to know.
Got it.
Got it.
Keep it schtum.
Of course, drama can be the most therapeutic therapy.
I was thinking of offering Josh a part in my school play.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes, that would be lovely.
Um, just checking - you're not doing the Lion King? No.
Great.
No, I think that would really help Josh get over the thing that I know about but can't tell you about.
I look forward to reviewing it in the school mag.
SHE CHUCKLES No, no, no.
I am not letting you anywhere near any more of my productions.
Janine, I have been the theatre reviewer for The Almanac for the past 15 years.
And in all that time, you have never once said anything remotely pleasant about my work! That is a mendacious smear! Mendacious! "Mrs Klebb's production was a thought-provoking piece.
"And the thought it provoked was, 'Why doesn't someone strangle Mrs Klebb?'" "Annie Get Your Gun "and put the audience out of its misery.
" "Tommy.
"Oh, to be truly deaf, dumb and blind.
" I'm not sure this is a fair cross section.
Would you please read the review of my kabuki performance of The Crucible.
"In Salem, they burned witches at the stake.
"If only we could bring back that fine tradition for Mrs Klebb.
" That is not a review.
That is a personal attack.
It's both.
From now on, I think it's best if someone else reviews the school plays.
What?! I've made my decision.
Thank you for your clear judgment in this matter, Headmistress.
I hereby tender my resignation as theatre reviewer for The Almanac.
You've been fired.
Well, I resign as well.
It's too late.
Well, just so you know, I thought about resigning a few seconds before you sacked me.
That's it.
I'm putting you on crosswords.
Crosswords?! That's disgracious! Utterly disgracious! Everything OK? She's put me on crosswords.
SHE GASPS That's awful! In what? The Almanac.
What's that? The school magazine.
Right.
Oh! Didn't know we had one.
SHE CHUCKLES Does anyone read it? No, of course not, but it's the principle that counts! America, keep your bombs America Keep your guns Tonight There's blood on the Stars and Stripes That's right Tonight Did somebody turn out the light? Cos I can't sleep tonight With the light GUITAR FADES STRUMMING RESUMES .
.
N'night.
Who do you think wrote that song? A bell-end? It was actually me, but I'm loving the banter, keep it coming.
What do you think the songwriter was trying to say about America? Beyonce? Well, duh! That they don't like it.
Excellent! You've heard the subtext.
Cos when you first listen to it, you're just like, "That's a really cool song.
An anthem, even.
" But if you really listen carefully, there's a hidden message.
So, homework Boring! No, guys, this isn't your average boring homework, because what I want you to do, guys, is write some lyrics.
THE KIDS GROAN Whatwhatwhat about? Write about your life.
That's what people like me and Eddie Sheeran do.
Maybe you've split up with your bitch.
Maybe you're in a funk with your folks cos they won't let you watch Hollyoaks Late.
Maybe your mum's run off with a Masai warrior.
Or any kind of African tribal fella.
Not that that's happened to anyone in this class.
Oooh .
.
come on, bell! CLOCK TICKS SCHOOL BELL RINGS There it is.
MR GUNN: So important match tomorrow.
Somerstown.
More like Bummerstown.
THEY ALL GIGGLE Just improv'd that.
We've gotta play dirty.
Kick the ball at 'em.
Like this.
HE GROANS Or in the nads.
Thank you for volunteering.
Good sport.
Time's up, Mr Gunn! Out! You what?! We have the sports hall booked from four o'clock for rehearsals.
I'm not having your drama lot gaying up my sports hall.
We need to rehearse Juliet And Romeo.
Swapped the names round.
Well done.
Juliet has taken second billing for 400 years.
This is my gender re-imagining of Shakespeare's text.
Didn't understand a word of that.
I need you out of our rehearsal space.
Look WHISPERS:.
.
this is very important therapy for Josh.
Who's Josh? Oh, right, what, the one whose mum's banging? Yep.
Yes.
Yes.
Well, I don't care.
I mean, I'm banging Deano's mum.
Look, you don't see him crying about it, do ya? We booked the room! Don't care.
Not budging.
All right, then.
We're not budging, are we, actors? UNENTHUSIASTICALLY: No All right.
You give us 20 quid and we'll go down the pub.
Boozer! KIDS: Yes! Phew! Thank the Lord for that.
Right, so, company, gather.
Now, I have set Juliet And Romeo in modern-day Ibiza.
So Please don't touch my sports equipment, Mrs Klebb! Thank you! MISS POSTERN: Oh, Mr Church! There's a seat here.
Thanks.
I've got two desserts - going to get fat! MISS POSTERN CHORTLES Oh, J-J-Josh! Oh! Hello, Josh.
Oh, no.
He's binge-eating now.
What? Look, Josh.
He's got a big bucket of chicken.
I got it him for a treat, cheer him up a bit.
That's the kind of guy I am.
And what d'you get with a Bargain Bucket? I don't know, what do you get with a Bargain Bucket? Free Wall's Viennetta.
I didn't know that.
Well, I thought you were clever.
Well, do you really think it's wise to be giving a big bucket of fried food and what is essentially a giant choc-ice to a boy of Josh's proportions? Yes, so he can eat away the pain.
That's what fatties do, innit? I'll just go over and speak to him.
Oh, I really don't think Oh, don't worry.
I'm good with little 'uns.
I'll just go and cheer him up.
Oi-oi, check out Hubble.
He's drinking gravy again.
That man should not be allowed near a Bunsen burner.
Hi, Josh.
High-five it.
How you doing, all right? Bleak news about your mother.
You having that popcorn chicken? Yeah, well, that's women for you, eh! They all let you down in the end.
For me, it was my wife who left.
No, no, sit down, sit down.
I just I just want to put a smile on your face, eh? Anyway, she split the family apart.
Now I'm living in a caravan.
My life's over.
No woman will ever have me.
Some days, Ithink I'll just lie in a ditch, wait for it all to end.
We should start on that Viennetta before it starts to melt.
It's, erNescafe, isn't it? Yes, it is.
Well remembered.
So I hear you've been removed as the theatre critic? I resigned.
Oh, really? Oh, the Head said you'd been sacked.
It was simultaneous.
I wonder who Baron's got to replace me.
Probably some Philistine who knows absolutely nothing about the theatre.
Hm, yeah, it's me! Oh, I'm so sorry.
And so am I.
I didn't want to do it.
But she said it was that or the crossword and I thought, "No, thanks, that's the lowest of the low.
" I'm now doing the crossword.
It's brilliant.
That was my second choice.
Got some big plans for it.
Going to be a total reboot.
So, have you had any experience reviewing? Yeah.
Yeah, I've written loads of reviews over the years.
Oh! Where can I read them? Amazon.
Mainly cookware.
In fact, last night I was reviewing a set of sporks.
What's a spork? It's a spoon and a fork.
Oh! Well, you learn something new every day! Will you be coming to see the play at all? Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, I had to go when I was reviewer.
But, I mean, they're so awful, none of the staff go, no.
Oh.
I'd rather poke my eyes out with a A spork!.
.
a spork! To us.
KNOCK ON DOOR Excuse me, Miss Postern.
Yes? Er, I'm Josh's dad.
Oh! Oh, yes, hello.
I just wanted to pop by and say thanks for being so kind to my son.
Oh! He's a pleasure to teach.
He's quite a character.
He's the life and soul of the class.
Sometimes it's a bit difficult to get a word in.
Isn't that right, Josh? Well, I think he is going to wow everyone in the school play.
What part are you playing, Josh? Well, just make sure you don't steal the show.
I think it's going to be wonderful.
It's a version of Romeo And Juliet.
Are you all right? That was my wife's third-favourite film.
Oh.
Oh, dear, I'm sorry.
Um Are you all right? That's awful.
I'm sorry.
This man bothering you? Er, this isthis is Josh's dad.
Oh! Sorry to hear about your wife running off with the, um UNDER BREATH:.
.
Masai tribesman.
I thought only you and the Headmistress knew.
Well, I'm the Deputy Head of Science, so I'm pretty high up the food chain.
Nobody else knows.
Well, the PE teacher did make a comment in the staff room about a sex safari, but he doesn't know the details.
Look, I didn't want to make things worse for Josh.
Oh, he's dealing with it really well.
I mean I mean, he's such a roister-doister.
Aren't you, eh? Ha-ha.
Well, thanks for your time.
I just popped in to buy a ticket for the show.
MR CHURCH: Oh! Rather you than me.
Poor Miss Postern has to sit through the whole thing, cos she's reviewing it.
I, um I've actually got a spare ticket, so you could come with me.
What? Really? That's very kind.
Are you sure? Yes! Yes, of course.
Why not? No, it's crossing a line, fraternising with a parent.
Well, if there's any kind of trouble No, no, no.
Just ignore him.
You can come with me.
Thank you.
That's, er, quite all right.
I will see you Friday night, then, Mr Hardy.
Please - Simon.
No, call him Mr Hardy.
Goodbye, Simon.
Bye, Josh.
Goodbye, Mr Church.
Yes! Goodbye! Well, I hope this doesn't drag the school's good name through the mud.
I know.
Mm.
It's a risk I'm willing to take.
You jealous? Me? Yes, you.
Jealous? Yes.
Me? Yes.
No.
Little bit jealous? No.
A little bit? No.
Tiny bit? Jealous? Yes! Jealous of man whose wife has left him to live in a mud hut?! We were just discussing another pupil at the school.
I heard you got sacked as the theatre reviewer.
I resigned.
Everyone says you got sacked.
It was a dead heat.
So, what mug they got doing it now, then? Sarah's doing it.
Oh, right.
Might go and see this thing with her.
Make a bit of a night of it.
No.
She's not going to go with you.
On my suggestion, she's actually taking Josh's father.
Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! What? What? You know what happens when you see something with a bird, don't ya? Enlighten me.
Well he'll have his coat on his lap and then underneath, she'll tug him off.
This is Sarah Postern we're talking about.
I hardly think that's likely.
No, no, no.
Happened to me last week, mate.
Took some munter to see Andy Parsons.
I was laughing and spaffing at the same time.
Best night of my life, chief! Hello, Miss Postern.
Oh, please - Sarah.
Are you excited about tonight? Not really.
I'm missing The One Show.
Thanks again for the tickets.
I picked up a couple of programmes.
Oh! Let's see.
Where's Josh? Oh, there he is! Josh Hardy "Unnamed Servant".
Yeah.
I'm proud of him.
I'm sure he's going to be great.
Well, let's see how he does.
Oh, good.
You've found your seats.
I saved you the best ones.
Oh, thank you.
Yes, um This is Janine, the director.
Director, producer, rewriter.
As I put in the programme, "dramaturge".
Now, Sarah, I know that we are very good friends Well .
.
but, please, please, please, do not let that influence your review.
I Here are some tokens for a complimentary tea or squash at the interval.
Oh! Don't think you can buy a good review with a few free soft drinks.
You'll also find a box of Celebrations under your seat.
Understood.
JANINE SNIFFS MR CHURCH: Good evening.
Oh.
So you are here.
Yes.
So you are a little bit jealous.
No.
Little bit jealous.
No.
Hmm, tiny bit.
No.
Sure? Yep.
Positive? Yep.
Hmm.
Not convinced.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to Greybridge.
Now, recently the school has come under fire for not putting enough resources into extracurricular activities.
And that is why I'm here tonight, for what I hope will be an unforgettable evening of theatre.
Thank you.
Thank you so much, Headmistress.
Right, um Now, just, um, a few items of housekeeping.
We have fire exits located here, here and DOOR SLAMS So, er CAR ENGINE STARTS .
.
all that remains is for me to say that I hope you enjoy this bold re-imagining of a play by William Shakka-speare, which is how his name would have been pronounced in Elizabethan times.
MR CHURCH: Wrong! I give you the tragedy of Juliet And Romeo.
Romeo And Juliet.
APPLAUSE Two house music nights, both alike.
No diggity.
In fair Ibiza, where we lay our scene.
PUMPING HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS MUSIC FADES You lookin' at me? I wasn't lookin' at you.
Serious, bruv, you lookin' at me? Have they rewritten any of these lines? Of course she's rewritten it! She's ruined it! All right! Keep it down.
Shh! Shh! I don't know if you've been to the theatre before, but there's actually no talking, so shh! Shh, yourself! Shh! Oh, you've just missed your son.
How was he? Not great.
ACTOR:.
.
the Capulets wear their best clothes.
O, Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo? Send.
TEXT MESSAGE ALER Getting Nando's.
Send.
TEXT MESSAGE ALER JULIET: You coming over later? Are you enjoying it? I like the Maltesers.
They are the best ones.
Oh Why don't you shut up?! Shush! JULIET: I'm not that kind of girl! You have to put a ring on it first.
Send.
TEXT MESSAGE ALER ROMEO: How about some wings instead? Send.
TEXT MESSAGE ALER PLAY CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY IN BACKGROUND What are you doing now? I know your game.
The old "getting tugged off under the coat" trick.
Ah! Get off! Can we? Can we move, please? WHISPERS: Sorry about that.
WHISPERS: Yes, good plan.
Much better view.
JULIET:.
.
Dad, listen to me, please! I tell thee what! I forbade you from copping off with anybody from the Ministry of Montague.
"Copping off"?! Badminton? WHISPERS: It's not on tonight.
Oh.
MR CHURCH: Best performance of the evening.
THEY LAUGH He's not even in it! Would you two show some respect?! Shh! And we are back in Ibiza! Thus I take this rave pill SHE COUGHS .
.
and overdose.
ROMEO: Where is my Juliet? Oh, what?! She has OD'd! This has all gone Pete Tong! HE GROANS ROMEO COUGHS Quick! Get them to Ibiza Hospital.
I think they're gonna be OK.
What? APPLAUSE Well, ladies and gentleman, that is the interval.
Well, it's 10:30.
I have taken the liberty of writing a whole new second half.
JANINE SIGHS See you in 15 minutes.
APPLAUSE Are you enjoying the production? Er Well, you'll be glad to hear there's plenty more to come.
Shakka-speare must be rolling in his grave.
Why are you such a tosspot? Oh, come on, don't be like that.
Be the bigger man.
Not bigger like that.
The otherbigger.
Squash? Not for me, thanks.
It's quite a racket Klebb's got going on there.
15p for a squash? It's a rip off.
Hmm, well, I've got free tokens.
That's bribery.
Is it? On top of the Celebrations, yes.
Cos I thought it was an incentive.
Pretty big incentive.
Bumper box.
Mr Church, I've received complaints from members of the audience that you're ruining the play.
You are ruining the play.
Anyway, how many complaints have you had? There's only about 12 people in here! Why don't you just shove off? Oh, no.
I wouldn't miss this for the world! This is going down as one of the worst productions in school history! Listen, do yourself a favour and piss off! How dare you assault the Deputy Head of Science?! My boy's up there and he's showing real talent and you're ruining it for him! Your son is beyond talentless! He's as wooden as awooden tree.
How dare you?! I do dare you! He only got the part because his mum's having sex with an Afro-ican.
That's it! Oh THUD "Renaming the play Juliet And Romeo was an intriguing idea.
"Mrs Klebb's direction throughout was solid, "and her rewriting of Shakespeare's lines made for an interesting evening.
"Unfortunately, I did not see the second half "as I was punched quite hard in the face.
"It was a fine effort.
Three out of five.
" Yes! I'm glad that you're happy with it.
Oh! Well, it's not about me, is it? It's about the kids - the kids who worked so hard on the production.
Yes, and, er thank you for the book tokens.
Oh! Don't forget to check out my crossword.
Oh! One across - "dramatic failure".
Travesty.
Easy! Boys! I hope you're not bullying Josh.
We ain't bullying him! Man's a legend! Really? His stepdad's a warrior! Kills zebras an' shit.
Yes, well, I think you'll find that's poaching but, um, it's good that you're making friends.
And, um, congratulations on the school play.
You really were perfectly adequate.
"Dire event".
Calamity.
Calamitous.
Well I can't sit around watching you do the crossword all day.
If you'll excuse me.
Have a lovely day.
Juliet.
Romeo.
Intellectual poverty.
Dung? Witch?! Bastard! Just get on with some private reading.
Where is he? BANGING ON DOOR Open this door! Oh! Hello, Pat.
BANGING CONTINUES Mr Church! Come out here! BANGING CONTINUES Church! 2.
5k swim, 110k bike ride, and then a marathon.
What, all in my wet bikini? MS BARON: This is a new low for the school.
What's the matter? You never seen a huge donger before? DRYER BLOWS What's a "sex man"? A man who has sex.
Regularly.
MRS KLEBB: They're fighting! I'm sorry, but I've got men fighting over me! When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it When you said we'd never change Well, we never stopped to think about it No, we're not the same But let's not break the chain We should play this game together.
Now, who would like to see the power of methane? Pat, if you could have the, er, fire extinguisher ready.
So, the methane FAR THE KIDS LAUGH Yes, yes, all right.
All right.
That wasn't the experiment.
THIS is the experiment.
Hey, sir, do that fart one again! THE KIDS LAUGH When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it When we said we'd never change Well, we never stopped to think about it No, we're not the same But let's not break the chain We should play this game together.
Things have been difficult for Josh at home, cos his mum left.
Mm.
Where did she go? Kenya.
We went for a safari holiday.
Josh had always wanted to see a hippopotamus, hadn't you, mate? It was on that holiday that my wife fell in love with a Masai tribesman.
Aah, really?! I have some photographic books at home.
Superb muscle definition.
As you know, Josh is usually so outgoing, but he's been quite subdued.
I imagine the Masai lovemaking is very animalistic.
So if you could just let his teachers know.
What? About Josh's situation.
Yeah Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course.
Thank you, Ms Baron.
Come on, mate.
Go home.
Does the tribe indulge in sexual sharing? Seven across - "revered philosopher".
Clarkson.
Um, can I just have everyone's attention for a moment? Can we have silence, please? Sarah has an announcement.
Thank you.
Over to you, Sarah.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
Um, there is a boy in my tutor group called Josh Hardy who is having some problems at home.
Ha! Heh! Join the club.
What happened? It's just a private family matter.
His mum's on sex safari.
No! No.
Let's just all pretend that we didn't hear that.
We don't need to know exactly what has happened.
We just need to know that something has happened.
And it has happened, so just please bear in mind that Josh is having a I'm going to say "challenging".
.
.
challenging time.
Finished? Yeah.
Thank you very much, everybody.
Thank you.
That was very sensitively put.
Oh, well, thank you.
I've always been one of those people that others come to with a problem.
It's a blessing and curse.
It's mainly a blessing, but it can also a curse.
I think you're right not to let the other teachers know the specific details.
But what are the specific details? Um I can trust you to keep this to yourself? No-one to tell.
Well, um Josh's mother has started a relationship with a non-white, black gentleman from the continent of, um, Africa.
He's a Masai tribesman.
Coloured chap, I take it.
You can't say "coloured" any more.
No.
No, no.
But, yes.
Yes, he is a Masai tribesman.
They do tend to be coloured! I mean, black.
You know.
No, I mean, Afro-Caribbean.
Well, notnot Caribbean.
He's from Africa.
So Afro-ican.
Is that the phrase we use now? Yeah.
Afro-ican.
Hey, Saz.
Er, she's called Sarah, and please respect personal boundaries.
Josh is in my first lesson and I was wondering - should I say something to the class? No! No, no, no, no.
He wouldn't want everyone to know.
Got it.
Got it.
Keep it schtum.
Of course, drama can be the most therapeutic therapy.
I was thinking of offering Josh a part in my school play.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes, that would be lovely.
Um, just checking - you're not doing the Lion King? No.
Great.
No, I think that would really help Josh get over the thing that I know about but can't tell you about.
I look forward to reviewing it in the school mag.
SHE CHUCKLES No, no, no.
I am not letting you anywhere near any more of my productions.
Janine, I have been the theatre reviewer for The Almanac for the past 15 years.
And in all that time, you have never once said anything remotely pleasant about my work! That is a mendacious smear! Mendacious! "Mrs Klebb's production was a thought-provoking piece.
"And the thought it provoked was, 'Why doesn't someone strangle Mrs Klebb?'" "Annie Get Your Gun "and put the audience out of its misery.
" "Tommy.
"Oh, to be truly deaf, dumb and blind.
" I'm not sure this is a fair cross section.
Would you please read the review of my kabuki performance of The Crucible.
"In Salem, they burned witches at the stake.
"If only we could bring back that fine tradition for Mrs Klebb.
" That is not a review.
That is a personal attack.
It's both.
From now on, I think it's best if someone else reviews the school plays.
What?! I've made my decision.
Thank you for your clear judgment in this matter, Headmistress.
I hereby tender my resignation as theatre reviewer for The Almanac.
You've been fired.
Well, I resign as well.
It's too late.
Well, just so you know, I thought about resigning a few seconds before you sacked me.
That's it.
I'm putting you on crosswords.
Crosswords?! That's disgracious! Utterly disgracious! Everything OK? She's put me on crosswords.
SHE GASPS That's awful! In what? The Almanac.
What's that? The school magazine.
Right.
Oh! Didn't know we had one.
SHE CHUCKLES Does anyone read it? No, of course not, but it's the principle that counts! America, keep your bombs America Keep your guns Tonight There's blood on the Stars and Stripes That's right Tonight Did somebody turn out the light? Cos I can't sleep tonight With the light GUITAR FADES STRUMMING RESUMES .
.
N'night.
Who do you think wrote that song? A bell-end? It was actually me, but I'm loving the banter, keep it coming.
What do you think the songwriter was trying to say about America? Beyonce? Well, duh! That they don't like it.
Excellent! You've heard the subtext.
Cos when you first listen to it, you're just like, "That's a really cool song.
An anthem, even.
" But if you really listen carefully, there's a hidden message.
So, homework Boring! No, guys, this isn't your average boring homework, because what I want you to do, guys, is write some lyrics.
THE KIDS GROAN Whatwhatwhat about? Write about your life.
That's what people like me and Eddie Sheeran do.
Maybe you've split up with your bitch.
Maybe you're in a funk with your folks cos they won't let you watch Hollyoaks Late.
Maybe your mum's run off with a Masai warrior.
Or any kind of African tribal fella.
Not that that's happened to anyone in this class.
Oooh .
.
come on, bell! CLOCK TICKS SCHOOL BELL RINGS There it is.
MR GUNN: So important match tomorrow.
Somerstown.
More like Bummerstown.
THEY ALL GIGGLE Just improv'd that.
We've gotta play dirty.
Kick the ball at 'em.
Like this.
HE GROANS Or in the nads.
Thank you for volunteering.
Good sport.
Time's up, Mr Gunn! Out! You what?! We have the sports hall booked from four o'clock for rehearsals.
I'm not having your drama lot gaying up my sports hall.
We need to rehearse Juliet And Romeo.
Swapped the names round.
Well done.
Juliet has taken second billing for 400 years.
This is my gender re-imagining of Shakespeare's text.
Didn't understand a word of that.
I need you out of our rehearsal space.
Look WHISPERS:.
.
this is very important therapy for Josh.
Who's Josh? Oh, right, what, the one whose mum's banging? Yep.
Yes.
Yes.
Well, I don't care.
I mean, I'm banging Deano's mum.
Look, you don't see him crying about it, do ya? We booked the room! Don't care.
Not budging.
All right, then.
We're not budging, are we, actors? UNENTHUSIASTICALLY: No All right.
You give us 20 quid and we'll go down the pub.
Boozer! KIDS: Yes! Phew! Thank the Lord for that.
Right, so, company, gather.
Now, I have set Juliet And Romeo in modern-day Ibiza.
So Please don't touch my sports equipment, Mrs Klebb! Thank you! MISS POSTERN: Oh, Mr Church! There's a seat here.
Thanks.
I've got two desserts - going to get fat! MISS POSTERN CHORTLES Oh, J-J-Josh! Oh! Hello, Josh.
Oh, no.
He's binge-eating now.
What? Look, Josh.
He's got a big bucket of chicken.
I got it him for a treat, cheer him up a bit.
That's the kind of guy I am.
And what d'you get with a Bargain Bucket? I don't know, what do you get with a Bargain Bucket? Free Wall's Viennetta.
I didn't know that.
Well, I thought you were clever.
Well, do you really think it's wise to be giving a big bucket of fried food and what is essentially a giant choc-ice to a boy of Josh's proportions? Yes, so he can eat away the pain.
That's what fatties do, innit? I'll just go over and speak to him.
Oh, I really don't think Oh, don't worry.
I'm good with little 'uns.
I'll just go and cheer him up.
Oi-oi, check out Hubble.
He's drinking gravy again.
That man should not be allowed near a Bunsen burner.
Hi, Josh.
High-five it.
How you doing, all right? Bleak news about your mother.
You having that popcorn chicken? Yeah, well, that's women for you, eh! They all let you down in the end.
For me, it was my wife who left.
No, no, sit down, sit down.
I just I just want to put a smile on your face, eh? Anyway, she split the family apart.
Now I'm living in a caravan.
My life's over.
No woman will ever have me.
Some days, Ithink I'll just lie in a ditch, wait for it all to end.
We should start on that Viennetta before it starts to melt.
It's, erNescafe, isn't it? Yes, it is.
Well remembered.
So I hear you've been removed as the theatre critic? I resigned.
Oh, really? Oh, the Head said you'd been sacked.
It was simultaneous.
I wonder who Baron's got to replace me.
Probably some Philistine who knows absolutely nothing about the theatre.
Hm, yeah, it's me! Oh, I'm so sorry.
And so am I.
I didn't want to do it.
But she said it was that or the crossword and I thought, "No, thanks, that's the lowest of the low.
" I'm now doing the crossword.
It's brilliant.
That was my second choice.
Got some big plans for it.
Going to be a total reboot.
So, have you had any experience reviewing? Yeah.
Yeah, I've written loads of reviews over the years.
Oh! Where can I read them? Amazon.
Mainly cookware.
In fact, last night I was reviewing a set of sporks.
What's a spork? It's a spoon and a fork.
Oh! Well, you learn something new every day! Will you be coming to see the play at all? Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, I had to go when I was reviewer.
But, I mean, they're so awful, none of the staff go, no.
Oh.
I'd rather poke my eyes out with a A spork!.
.
a spork! To us.
KNOCK ON DOOR Excuse me, Miss Postern.
Yes? Er, I'm Josh's dad.
Oh! Oh, yes, hello.
I just wanted to pop by and say thanks for being so kind to my son.
Oh! He's a pleasure to teach.
He's quite a character.
He's the life and soul of the class.
Sometimes it's a bit difficult to get a word in.
Isn't that right, Josh? Well, I think he is going to wow everyone in the school play.
What part are you playing, Josh? Well, just make sure you don't steal the show.
I think it's going to be wonderful.
It's a version of Romeo And Juliet.
Are you all right? That was my wife's third-favourite film.
Oh.
Oh, dear, I'm sorry.
Um Are you all right? That's awful.
I'm sorry.
This man bothering you? Er, this isthis is Josh's dad.
Oh! Sorry to hear about your wife running off with the, um UNDER BREATH:.
.
Masai tribesman.
I thought only you and the Headmistress knew.
Well, I'm the Deputy Head of Science, so I'm pretty high up the food chain.
Nobody else knows.
Well, the PE teacher did make a comment in the staff room about a sex safari, but he doesn't know the details.
Look, I didn't want to make things worse for Josh.
Oh, he's dealing with it really well.
I mean I mean, he's such a roister-doister.
Aren't you, eh? Ha-ha.
Well, thanks for your time.
I just popped in to buy a ticket for the show.
MR CHURCH: Oh! Rather you than me.
Poor Miss Postern has to sit through the whole thing, cos she's reviewing it.
I, um I've actually got a spare ticket, so you could come with me.
What? Really? That's very kind.
Are you sure? Yes! Yes, of course.
Why not? No, it's crossing a line, fraternising with a parent.
Well, if there's any kind of trouble No, no, no.
Just ignore him.
You can come with me.
Thank you.
That's, er, quite all right.
I will see you Friday night, then, Mr Hardy.
Please - Simon.
No, call him Mr Hardy.
Goodbye, Simon.
Bye, Josh.
Goodbye, Mr Church.
Yes! Goodbye! Well, I hope this doesn't drag the school's good name through the mud.
I know.
Mm.
It's a risk I'm willing to take.
You jealous? Me? Yes, you.
Jealous? Yes.
Me? Yes.
No.
Little bit jealous? No.
A little bit? No.
Tiny bit? Jealous? Yes! Jealous of man whose wife has left him to live in a mud hut?! We were just discussing another pupil at the school.
I heard you got sacked as the theatre reviewer.
I resigned.
Everyone says you got sacked.
It was a dead heat.
So, what mug they got doing it now, then? Sarah's doing it.
Oh, right.
Might go and see this thing with her.
Make a bit of a night of it.
No.
She's not going to go with you.
On my suggestion, she's actually taking Josh's father.
Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! What? What? You know what happens when you see something with a bird, don't ya? Enlighten me.
Well he'll have his coat on his lap and then underneath, she'll tug him off.
This is Sarah Postern we're talking about.
I hardly think that's likely.
No, no, no.
Happened to me last week, mate.
Took some munter to see Andy Parsons.
I was laughing and spaffing at the same time.
Best night of my life, chief! Hello, Miss Postern.
Oh, please - Sarah.
Are you excited about tonight? Not really.
I'm missing The One Show.
Thanks again for the tickets.
I picked up a couple of programmes.
Oh! Let's see.
Where's Josh? Oh, there he is! Josh Hardy "Unnamed Servant".
Yeah.
I'm proud of him.
I'm sure he's going to be great.
Well, let's see how he does.
Oh, good.
You've found your seats.
I saved you the best ones.
Oh, thank you.
Yes, um This is Janine, the director.
Director, producer, rewriter.
As I put in the programme, "dramaturge".
Now, Sarah, I know that we are very good friends Well .
.
but, please, please, please, do not let that influence your review.
I Here are some tokens for a complimentary tea or squash at the interval.
Oh! Don't think you can buy a good review with a few free soft drinks.
You'll also find a box of Celebrations under your seat.
Understood.
JANINE SNIFFS MR CHURCH: Good evening.
Oh.
So you are here.
Yes.
So you are a little bit jealous.
No.
Little bit jealous.
No.
Hmm, tiny bit.
No.
Sure? Yep.
Positive? Yep.
Hmm.
Not convinced.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to Greybridge.
Now, recently the school has come under fire for not putting enough resources into extracurricular activities.
And that is why I'm here tonight, for what I hope will be an unforgettable evening of theatre.
Thank you.
Thank you so much, Headmistress.
Right, um Now, just, um, a few items of housekeeping.
We have fire exits located here, here and DOOR SLAMS So, er CAR ENGINE STARTS .
.
all that remains is for me to say that I hope you enjoy this bold re-imagining of a play by William Shakka-speare, which is how his name would have been pronounced in Elizabethan times.
MR CHURCH: Wrong! I give you the tragedy of Juliet And Romeo.
Romeo And Juliet.
APPLAUSE Two house music nights, both alike.
No diggity.
In fair Ibiza, where we lay our scene.
PUMPING HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS MUSIC FADES You lookin' at me? I wasn't lookin' at you.
Serious, bruv, you lookin' at me? Have they rewritten any of these lines? Of course she's rewritten it! She's ruined it! All right! Keep it down.
Shh! Shh! I don't know if you've been to the theatre before, but there's actually no talking, so shh! Shh, yourself! Shh! Oh, you've just missed your son.
How was he? Not great.
ACTOR:.
.
the Capulets wear their best clothes.
O, Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo? Send.
TEXT MESSAGE ALER Getting Nando's.
Send.
TEXT MESSAGE ALER JULIET: You coming over later? Are you enjoying it? I like the Maltesers.
They are the best ones.
Oh Why don't you shut up?! Shush! JULIET: I'm not that kind of girl! You have to put a ring on it first.
Send.
TEXT MESSAGE ALER ROMEO: How about some wings instead? Send.
TEXT MESSAGE ALER PLAY CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY IN BACKGROUND What are you doing now? I know your game.
The old "getting tugged off under the coat" trick.
Ah! Get off! Can we? Can we move, please? WHISPERS: Sorry about that.
WHISPERS: Yes, good plan.
Much better view.
JULIET:.
.
Dad, listen to me, please! I tell thee what! I forbade you from copping off with anybody from the Ministry of Montague.
"Copping off"?! Badminton? WHISPERS: It's not on tonight.
Oh.
MR CHURCH: Best performance of the evening.
THEY LAUGH He's not even in it! Would you two show some respect?! Shh! And we are back in Ibiza! Thus I take this rave pill SHE COUGHS .
.
and overdose.
ROMEO: Where is my Juliet? Oh, what?! She has OD'd! This has all gone Pete Tong! HE GROANS ROMEO COUGHS Quick! Get them to Ibiza Hospital.
I think they're gonna be OK.
What? APPLAUSE Well, ladies and gentleman, that is the interval.
Well, it's 10:30.
I have taken the liberty of writing a whole new second half.
JANINE SIGHS See you in 15 minutes.
APPLAUSE Are you enjoying the production? Er Well, you'll be glad to hear there's plenty more to come.
Shakka-speare must be rolling in his grave.
Why are you such a tosspot? Oh, come on, don't be like that.
Be the bigger man.
Not bigger like that.
The otherbigger.
Squash? Not for me, thanks.
It's quite a racket Klebb's got going on there.
15p for a squash? It's a rip off.
Hmm, well, I've got free tokens.
That's bribery.
Is it? On top of the Celebrations, yes.
Cos I thought it was an incentive.
Pretty big incentive.
Bumper box.
Mr Church, I've received complaints from members of the audience that you're ruining the play.
You are ruining the play.
Anyway, how many complaints have you had? There's only about 12 people in here! Why don't you just shove off? Oh, no.
I wouldn't miss this for the world! This is going down as one of the worst productions in school history! Listen, do yourself a favour and piss off! How dare you assault the Deputy Head of Science?! My boy's up there and he's showing real talent and you're ruining it for him! Your son is beyond talentless! He's as wooden as awooden tree.
How dare you?! I do dare you! He only got the part because his mum's having sex with an Afro-ican.
That's it! Oh THUD "Renaming the play Juliet And Romeo was an intriguing idea.
"Mrs Klebb's direction throughout was solid, "and her rewriting of Shakespeare's lines made for an interesting evening.
"Unfortunately, I did not see the second half "as I was punched quite hard in the face.
"It was a fine effort.
Three out of five.
" Yes! I'm glad that you're happy with it.
Oh! Well, it's not about me, is it? It's about the kids - the kids who worked so hard on the production.
Yes, and, er thank you for the book tokens.
Oh! Don't forget to check out my crossword.
Oh! One across - "dramatic failure".
Travesty.
Easy! Boys! I hope you're not bullying Josh.
We ain't bullying him! Man's a legend! Really? His stepdad's a warrior! Kills zebras an' shit.
Yes, well, I think you'll find that's poaching but, um, it's good that you're making friends.
And, um, congratulations on the school play.
You really were perfectly adequate.
"Dire event".
Calamity.
Calamitous.
Well I can't sit around watching you do the crossword all day.
If you'll excuse me.
Have a lovely day.
Juliet.
Romeo.
Intellectual poverty.
Dung? Witch?! Bastard! Just get on with some private reading.
Where is he? BANGING ON DOOR Open this door! Oh! Hello, Pat.
BANGING CONTINUES Mr Church! Come out here! BANGING CONTINUES Church! 2.
5k swim, 110k bike ride, and then a marathon.
What, all in my wet bikini? MS BARON: This is a new low for the school.
What's the matter? You never seen a huge donger before? DRYER BLOWS What's a "sex man"? A man who has sex.
Regularly.
MRS KLEBB: They're fighting! I'm sorry, but I've got men fighting over me! When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it When you said we'd never change Well, we never stopped to think about it No, we're not the same But let's not break the chain We should play this game together.