Big School (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

1 So the transition of a solid directly into a gas is called? Anybody? Anybody? Anybody? Sublimation.
So, Pat, if you could add a tiny bit of solid carbon dioxide to the warm water.
That was too much, Pat.
LAUGHTER Don't panic, everyone.
LAUGHTER Maybe we should just get a window open.
Pat, if you could open the door.
No, that's not the doorknob, Pat.
Stop jiggling it.
When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it When we said we'd never change Well, we never stopped to think about it No, we're not the same But let's not break the chain We should play this game together.
And so, after the events of last week, rap battles are now outlawed on school premises.
GROANING Let's just take it as read that all your mommas are fat.
Now, with the details of her upcoming French trip, Missum Postern.
Hmm.
Bonjour! It's French for hello.
So who wants to say "bonjour" to "la France"? Which is French for France.
We're going to France! What, to Paris, Miss? No, Paris was a bit too expensive.
The next best thing - Dieppe! Where's that? It's in France.
We're going to be staying in a very nice Youth Hostel just outside Dieppe.
Still able to sample all the excitement Dieppe has to offer, though.
The port.
The town square.
The old port.
There's so much to see.
The Eiffel Tower? No, that's in Paris.
Is that where we're going, Miss? No, we're going to Dieppe.
Where's Dieppe, Miss? It's in France.
So, can I get a show of hands in the air, please? Come on! It'll be fun! You get to go on a coach.
You can buy bangers.
ALL: Yes! So, your first trip to France! LAUGHS Don't tell everyone! In fact, don't tell anyone.
Oh, I won't.
Just strange you've never been.
Lots of places I've never been.
I mean, why start with France when there's whole parts of Surrey that I've yet to explore? Well, you are a French teacher.
What's your point? Nothing at all.
Just wondered if there's an opportunity for other teachers to come with you on the trip? There are three spaces available.
I expect you'll be putting your name down.
Well, I'll check my diary.
Then you'll be putting your name down.
Well, I'm quite busy.
Not too busy to put your name down, though.
I'll see if I can move a few things around.
And when you have, you'll put your name down.
Yes, I will.
You, French woman, my office, now.
Um, would you just pop that up in the staff room? Yes, of course.
This jolly is a lawsuit waiting to happen.
So here are my rules - no drinking, no smoking, and no holiday romances with dirty Frenchmen.
Oh, well, the children will, of course, be supervised at all times.
I wasn't talking about the children.
And I don't want a single complaint, fight or unwanted pregnancy.
Sorry, are we talking about the children now? Yes! Oh.
So, I'm, er afraid I've got some bad news.
You lost our books again, Sir? No, no, no, I know where they are.
Where are they, then? They're on top of the TV.
So we'll get 'em back tomorrow, Sir? No.
You see, the bailiff came to take the TV.
Still, I did manage to save some stuff from the caravan, I got a .
.
got a shoehorn .
.
a Pritt Stick .
.
got my passport, so I can go on the French trip, eh? Why don't we do geography trips, Sir? No, no.
Last time I did one of those we went into some caves up, er Cheddar Gorge way.
Very dark in there.
I banged my head on one of those, um You know, one of those things that comes down from the ceiling? Stalactites.
Yeah, yeah, correct.
And then I slipped and impaled myself on one of the other ones.
You know, the ones that come up, um Stalagmites? Stalagmites, yes.
Yeah, no, it was a total and utter disaster.
Never again, no.
Still, we've learned today about stalag Tites.
Tites.
And Stalagmites.
Stalagmites, yes.
And that's good.
That's good geography.
Myname was up here! Too late, mate.
Well, it's etched on.
Feel it, feel it.
You feel that? I can't feel anything.
Take your name off.
No.
Why do you even want to go to Dieppe? Shag Postern.
Oh, that is so far from anything I could even think.
What do you wanna go there for, then? Well, to see the old port andthe square thing and the other port.
Well, don't worry, I'll send you a postcard.
After I've porked her.
Oh, disgusting.
Gareth, why is your name up here? I mean, you don't even like abroad.
Booze cruise.
What? Yeah.
I get over there, buy two, three hundred bottles of strong lager.
Stock up for the month.
Janine.
HE CHUCKLES Oh! Dear Janine Nope.
Why? Free holiday.
I don't think it'll be much of a holiday.
I mean, you'll mainly be stopping fights and clearing up sick.
Yes.
On holiday! This is beyond the pale.
Absolutely above and beyond the pale.
I mean, Sarah's going to be furious with you all when she finds out I haven't got my name up there.
You could always buy me out of it.
There are plenty of other places I'd rather visit.
If you think I'm going to bribe you not to go on this trip you are woefully mistaken.
So, I've got you five nights, fly-drive, premium economy, all-inclusive.
You fly to Orlando, and then you drive to Disney World where you'll be staying at the Magic Castle Inn in the Tinkerbell Suite.
What about Frieda's wheelchair? I've checked and there's full wheelchair access for your partner.
What about spending money? No.
So, here's 250 in cash for you, and the same for Frieda.
There's a problem, I'm afraid, with Frieda's mother, Jana.
Oh! So you can't go? No, Jana would like to come too.
She's always wanted to go on the Rock 'n' Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith.
No.
Oh! Bonjour.
Bonjour, bonjour.
Bonjour.
Hola! Bonjour, Manyou! All aboard.
Sarah? I've got you some sucky sweets in case your ears pop.
We're going on the ferry.
And I, er, wanted to warn you about Trevor because he, er Wants to shag me.
Precisely.
I'll keep my eye out for that.
Please do.
Well, au revoir! Au revoir.
Keith? It's a shame you didn't put your name down.
TAPPING ON COACH WINDOW Janine second room for Jana with en suite, 750 spending money, a 30-minute foot scrub each at the Little Mermaid spa and a Fastpass for the Rock 'n' Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith.
Deal! Did you do all that for me? No.
Hmm.
Sure? No, I just wanted to see Dieppe.
Hmm.
Makes sense.
LOUD BHANGRA MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES OK! Settle down.
Please, settle down.
I've got a, um Actually, sorry, Mr Rupesh, could you turn the music down? MUSIC STAYS AT SAME VOLUME A bit more? A little bit more.
Tiny bit more.
OK, could you just turn it off, please.
Right.
Um, I have come up with a little quiz to keep us entertained on the journey.
It's all about Dieppe.
Where's Dieppe, Miss? It's in France.
Are we seeing the Eiffel Tower, Miss? No, that's in Paris.
Are we not going to Paris, Miss? No, we have been through all this.
So these are the quiz sheets, if you'd just pass them back for me.
I ain't doing that, Miss, I'm on holiday.
Not a holiday, it is an educational visit.
Got any headache tablets? No.
I've got some Viagra.
Bonjour.
Nous avons une reservation.
Yes.
You must be from Greybridge School.
C'est tout bien.
Je parle le francais.
Pardon? Je parle le francais.
I'm sorry, your accent is difficult to understand.
Say again.
Je parle le francais.
No.
I speak French.
I'd like to speak in French.
D'accord! Nous avons garde une quinzaine de chambres, deux d'entre elles les doubles.
Le petit dejeuner est servi a huit heures, s'il y a le moindre probleme et je ne suis pas a la reception, vous n'hesitez pas a me sonner.
A little bit slower? Breakfast is served at eight In French.
S'il y a le moindre probleme et que je ne suis pas a la reception, vous n'hesitez pas a sonner.
And again in English.
If there are any problems and I'm not at the desk, just ring the bell.
That's what I thought you said.
Thank you.
Merci.
Excuse me? No, you understood that.
She's Polish.
Well, this is me.
See you all at supper.
Yeah, table for two, say, babes? Er, no, all the teachers will be sitting together.
Oh, dear.
I'm not going in the middle.
It was only me and Gunn in here before you swapped with Klebb.
You can go in the middle.
No, don't worry about me - I won't be sleeping in that bed.
And where will you be? Next door, with Postern.
Doing it! If that's the reason you came, you might as well go home now because that is not going to happen.
I got a plan, mate, just you wait.
Right, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna rinse my balls in the sink.
WATER RUNS Aaah.
Apres le petit dejeuner What? After breakfast, tomorrow, we will be visiting the historic port, and then moving on to the old town square, where you'll be able to meet some of the local people of Dieppe Dieppenese - and practise some of your French.
Thank you, Miss Postern, for putting together a fantastic itinerary.
And, er, I think it's time now you all went to bed.
It's only eight o'clock.
Lights out in 15 minutes.
Come on.
Sir? They won't let us buy any drink here.
All right, meet me upstairs in five.
Mr Rupesh not joining us? No, he likes to stay on his coach.
Oh, that's a shame.
I've asked him to keep an eye on my beers.
Can I have one? Cos I've only got 200, so I'd rather you didn't.
Sarah, anything catch your eye on "le menu"? Well, there's so much I'd like to try.
Chicken nuggets, Hombre.
Ladies first.
Je voudrais le coq au vin.
Cock in a van.
Filthy! Merci, garcon.
Have you got any crisps? Oui.
I'll have ready salted.
Two packs.
Je m'appelle Monsieur Church.
J'habite en Angleterre.
Je voudrais les moules marinieres.
Moules marinieres! Very French.
Well, wherever I go in the world, I like to try something new.
Earlier this year, I was passing through Eccles and sampled an Eccles cake.
All right, Thomas Cook! Right.
I'm, um, gonna check up on the kids, make sure they're allsettled in.
That's very good of you, Trevor.
That's what I'm here for, babes.
Er, keep my nuggets warm.
BRIAN COX ON TV: 'When you look up into the night sky, 'you don't just see stars.
Those tiny' '.
.
mark out the passage of time 'over billions or even trillions of years.
' Four quid a tin or two for a tenner.
Don't do euros.
Are they all in bed? Sound asleep.
LOUD MUSIC PLAYS UPSTAIRS Appreciez-vous vos moules marinieres? Oui.
Ah, bon! Oh.
Excuse me, I need to use the toilet.
En francais! There isn't time.
Can one of you pop on the coach and get me some more beers? I think you've had enough.
So, what we doing tonight, babes? Check out the clubs? See what Dieppe has to offer? Well, it's a big day tomorrow - the port, the square, the other port, if there's time, the square again.
I think I'm just gonna have an early night.
Gotcha.
Boo-ya! Sir! We need more beer! They're not drinking, are they? No.
I'll sort it out! Out! Oh! Oh, dear, Gareth.
HE GROANS Gareth.
Who is it? Everything all right? I think we need to get him up to bed.
Where's Gunn? He's upstairs, sorting the kids.
Oh, then let's quickly get him upstairs and then we can go straight to bed.
Separate beds.
Come on.
Uuuurrrghh.
Is he drunk, Miss? No, no, he's just jet-lagged.
Well, we can't leave him like this.
No? No! Of course not.
He can't sleep like that.
You'll have to at least put him into his pyjamas.
Me? Yes, you.
Mr Barber, it's Mr Church, deputy head of science.
I'm just going to try and get you into your pyjamas.
MR BARBER GROANS It won't come off.
Well, just get the trousers off.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'm just unbuckling his belt.
I think the underpants have come down with the trousers.
Oh, yes.
I think the underpants are too high.
Should I, er? Just split the difference.
Wellsleep well! Night, Gareth! See you in the morning - bright and early.
Well, I'd best be off to bed.
Yes.
Bon nuit! CHUCKLES Bon nuit.
Where will you sleep now? Oh, Ihadn't thought of that.
You can't sleep in there.
Oh, no, no, no, I can't.
I definitely can't.
Well, you could always sleep in my room.
That's very kind of you.
Where would you sleep? I would be in there too.
Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't possibly impose, no.
I'll just lay down here.
That wouldn't be very comfortable.
I can manage.
Well, quite draughty.
Oh, I don't mind draughts.
All right then, good night.
I worry it's a potential fire hazard.
Come on, then.
STOMACH GURGLES Was that you? I didn't hear a thing.
Probably the plumbing.
Well, this is my bed.
Klebb would have slept there.
They're very close.
It would have been fine.
She is a lesbian.
Well, just because she's a lesbian, it doesn't mean she finds me attractive.
I think all lesbians would find you attractive.
I think you'd be right up their alley.
Oh.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
So how do you want to do this? Will there be talking or go straight to bed, or? Oh, well, I'm quite tired so I'll probably go straight to bed.
Yeah.
I'll probably just give my underarms a once-over with a flannel and then I'll join you.
Well, not join you.
I'll lie down on my bed, there.
Would you like to use my toothbrush? I would very much, yes.
OK, then.
But it's not hygienic, so, best not.
Right.
Well, I will just do mine, then.
Do you mind holding on for a moment? I just need to use your toilet.
It's a matter of some urgency.
You might want to pop the radio on.
Argh! Aaaah! Should've had the nuggets.
What are you doing here? Seducting Postern.
What're you doing here? I'm just using her toilet.
She She asked me to share her Argh! Oh, crack a window, mate! You've got to leave.
Now.
I'm not going anywhere.
Oh, yes, you are! If Sarah finds you in here, she's going to be furious with you.
KNOCK AT DOOR Is everything all right in there? I can hear voices.
Yes, it's fine, thank you.
Everything's under control.
Arrrghhh.
Oh, that is rank! I don't know what's going on in here, but you need to get out of my bath.
And you need to go down to reception and ask if they have any scented candles.
Arrrghhh! Oi, Barber, you in there? SNORES KNOCK AT DOOR Barber! TOILET FLUSHES All sorted.
Probably best to still leave it for a bit.
You were showing off having those moules, weren't you? No.
Yeah, you were.
No.
You were a bit.
A little bit, yes.
So, I'll just, erget into bed.
Yes.
Into that bed, there.
Yes.
Get into that bed, there.
Righto.
There we are.
Keith? Yes? Argh.
Excuse me.
KNOCK AT DOOR Sarah! Open this door now! I shouldn't be in here, should I? No, no.
Open up! Where should I? I'm coming, Gareth! Just get somewhere where he can't see you.
Good morning, Gareth.
I've been molested.
Pardon? Someone has helped themselves to mesexually.
I woke up this morning, my clothes were ripped off, my pants was halfway up my jacksie.
Oh, I am so sorry.
I'm sure nothing untoward has happened.
Have you seen Keith anywhere? Um, is he not Um, is he not with you? No.
I just hope the pervert hasn't violated him as well.
I think there's probably some explanation for all this.
I'm sure there's no pervert.
Urgh! You? Morning.
We must leave this place.
Immediately! What? We haven't been to the square yet.
Or either of the ports.
None of us are safe here.
We must leave this place - now! Pack your bags! This trip is over! Quick! Get on the coach! We're going home.
I need a drink.
MR BARBER SOBS What's happened? Come on, let's get you home.
Oi! Oi! Oi, stop the bloody coach! Under-age drinking, an all-night party, a half-naked teacher in the car park, another too drunk to stand.
And a very serious allegation of a teacher being molested.
That's right.
I wastampered with.
Yeah, and he came in and spied on me while I was having a bath.
That's not fair, what happened was I urgently needed to use Miss Postern's lavatory and it wasn't until I'd unbuttoned my trousers and brought them down and sat I think you're making it worse for yourself.
Ms Baron, you have to believe us, nobody was molested.
I don't know what to believe.
Mr Barber had a few too many drinks and myself and Mr Church helped him undress.
Unfortunately, his underpants came down with his trousers We tried to pull the underpants back up.
But they went right up into his That's quite enough, thank you.
There will be no more school trips in the foreseeable future.
You may all leave.
Look, well, I'm sorry, but I think that is a real shame.
Especially for all those children who were really looking forward to seeing Dieppe.
It's a shit-hole.
Leave.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, don't be.
The whole trip was a complete and utter disaster.
I loved it.
Why? Because I got to spend time with you.
Did you enjoy spending time with me? Hmm A little bit? Hm.
Tiny bit? Well Sure? Hm.
You did, didn't you? I did, yes.
When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it When we said we'd never change Well, we never stopped to think about it No, we're not the same But let's not break the chain We should play this game together.