Big School (2013) s02e01 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 1
1 (CAR APPROACHING) Morning, Sarah! First day back.
Can I offer you a lift? No, thanks, Keith, it's quite near.
Still, be quicker in the car.
Hop in.
Argh.
Pop your seat belt on.
And here we are.
Thank you for the lift.
Sarah, I just wanted to say, it's a shame our dinner over the holidays didn't work out.
It's not nice for a woman to be stood up.
I didn't stand you up.
Who could've known the town had two Bella Italias? I did give you the address.
Yes, but I saw a Bella Italia in the town square and presumed you'd got the address wrong.
- I didn't get it wrong.
- Well, you could've got it wrong.
But I didn'tget it wrong.
You got it wrong.
So, did you enjoy your meal? Of course I didn't! I wasn't going to sit there on my own all night! Yes, I just had the bread and dips while I was waiting.
Then I had the spaghetti carbonara followed by the tiramisu.
After the cheese selection, I assumed you weren't coming, so I just had a coffee and some of those little almond biscuits.
Sounds like you had a very nice evening(!) Yes, and it was very reasonably priced.
We should go again.
Same restaurant or separate ones? - Same one this time.
- Hmm we'll see.
(PLAYGROUND HUBBUB) Well done, all! See you in September! Notice anything different about me today, babes? Are you wearing deodorant? No, it's my natural musk.
'Ere, look.
Tie, shirt.
Oh! What's this?! Oh, yes, you're reading a book(!) Yeah, and why's that? Cos I'm going up in the world, babes.
I'm not just the PE teacher any more.
No, no, from today I'm also teaching joegraffy.
- Geography.
- 'Ere, look.
Who knew clouds are full of rain? - Oosh! - (PHONE RINGS) Oh (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Excuse me, Jo.
So what happened to Gareth? Haven't you heard? Barber's gone mental.
You can't say that any more.
Yes.
He had a nervous episode.
Which made him go mental.
I think the pressure of teaching finally got to him.
And I shouldn't say this, but they found him crawling round the playing fields at night, - naked from the waist down.
- Thank you, Janine, that is nota pleasant image.
He had a soil thermometer wedgedinto his That's enough.
Some of us are trying to enjoy - a biscuit.
- Poor, poor Gareth.
I know we'll all miss seeing his smiley face in here.
Morning.
(SHE MOUTHS) I'm sorry? (WHISPERS) Let me speak to him.
- I'm sorry? - Let me speak to him.
Oh, right.
Um Hello, Gareth.
All right.
How are you? Fine.
How's your lunacy? (WHISPERS) Shut up, Keith! You're being very insensitive! - You're such a rude woman.
- I said '"shut up'"! Now, Gareth hmm, hmm there's no easy way to put this, but you're not a teacher here any more.
Yeah, I know.
If anyone's making a cup of tea, I'll have one.
- Eight sugars.
- Right, let me have a crack.
Oi! Fruit loop! You, you don't work here any more! Eesh! I do.
I'm the new caretaker.
Oh! Good for you! That's wonderful news, Gareth.
Cheers.
Polite note - they are teacher biscuits.
Not for maintenance staff.
So, a very big Greybridge welcome to all the newpupils who have joined us this year.
As your headmistress, I offer you one word of friendly advice - cross me and I will destroy you.
Miss, um Postern.
Been here a year.
- You asked for it, you got it! - School disco, Miss? - Uh-uh-uh.
- Paintballing? - Uh-uh-uh.
- No more French lessons? - (LAUGHTER) - No.
This Friday, I have organised a careers day! - (MR CHURCH CLAPS) - So, I'll be pulling together a careers posse and we will be running workshops in the morning, and in the afternoon, the big finale - a special celebrity guest is going to be coming in - and talking to us about their career.
- Is it Will Smith? - No.
- Is it Jay Z? - No.
- Katy Perry? It's someone quite well known but not as well known as that.
- Rihanna? - Can I just say, lower your expectations? So, I hope to see you all - at three o'clock on Friday.
- Is it Kim Kardashian? - Please stop.
- Is it one of the Kardashians? - No! - Better not be Justin Bieber.
- It's not Justin Bieber.
- My brother's mate reckons they saw Nicki Minaj in Nando's on Saturday.
Is it Nicki Minaj, Miss? It's not Nicki Minaj, no.
I'm going to just tell you who it is.
It is - drum roll, please - Fenella Forbes.
- (MURMURING) - Who? She's an author.
Whitney The Witch? - Whitney The Witch Casts A Spell? - PUPILS: Ah Whitney The Witch And The Cat Of Aznabar? We were at college together, and she's very kindly agreed to come and speak to you guys.
Now, I am going to hand you over to your music teacher, Mr Martin, who has some very exciting news about his own career.
Cheers.
So over the holidays, I recorded my debut single.
And, er Cheers, yeah.
And, er, it's out today on a little website you might have heard of, called iTune.
- PUPILS: Ooh.
- It's going to be big.
So, let's face it probably going to be my last week here Keep it together, Luke.
Anyway, the song is called, quite simply Soar.
That's S-O-A-R, not S-O-R-E.
Or S-A-W.
Bit weird to write a song about a saw.
Or any kind of tool, really.
OK, let's do this.
(INTRO BEGINS) # I see the same old faces every day # Every time I look # They're getting old and grey # Well, it's a dead-end job in a dead-end place # And my life is not gonna go to waste! # I'm gonna soar # Grow my wings and fly # And I'm gonna soar # Burn my suit and tie and I'm gonna soar # Wave these suckers goodbye # I'm gonna soar # Bye-bye Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
(CHEERING AND WHOOPING) (PUPILS WHISTLE) (LOW BEEPING) Morning.
(LOW BEEPING) Is she in? Is who in? The Headmistress.
Right, yeah.
In where? In the office.
Probably! Unless she just climbed out the window again.
- (KNOCKING) - Don't come in.
- (DOOR OPENS) - Morning, Headmistress.
- Oh, it's you.
Let me finish my tea.
- Just doing the bins.
Ah.
Half a sticky bun in here.
Are you not having it? No! It's been there since last term! It's a bit dry.
Anyway I just wanted to say - Do you mind if I sit? - Yes, I do mind.
I just wanted to say a big thanks for giving me a second chance after my interlude.
Well, sadly, these days, one can't sack someone for going '"Bleah-he-he-he hoo! '" No.
No.
- Else I'd've been out of a job years ago.
- Mm.
I won't lie to you, Headmistress, I've been going through a tough time of it.
- I think it all started - Would you mind having this conversation outside? Of course.
GARETH: It all started when the wife changed the locks.
She sold all my stuff on eBay and forced me to live in a caravan at the bottom of the garden.
(PUPILS CHATTER) Right, Gunn's in the house! Oof! There's a lot of different classrooms in this school, ain't there? Right joegraffy.
Rain comes down from the clouds, turns into sea.
Wind blows it back up again - water cycle.
Boom! Right, what else do you need to know for your CGCSEs? Mr Barber was going to teach us about the Ice Age.
Right, the Ice Age.
Ice Age It was a while back, weren't it? Nippy.
It's a lot of black ice - that's lethal.
I mean, - that's what killed the dinosaurs.
- You don't know anything about it, - do you, sir? - No, I do, actually! Hang on a minute, I'll have a little, um, little think.
Ahem.
Ice Age.
Right, there's a sloth, a woolly mammoth, a sabre-tooth tiger, all team up in a No, hang on, that's not Right, the Ice Age was a period of reduced global temperature resulting in the expansion of of polar ice sheets and glaceers.
There you go, nailed it! Eh? - Come on then, throw another one at me! - (BELL RINGS) Thanks for coming.
See you again.
Knock-knock-knock! - You all right, babes? - Oh, look at you! You look like a proper teacher.
No, I am a proper teacher.
This is my classroom.
- Do you want a quick tour? - Yeah.
That's coastal erosion.
- That's an oxbow lake - Yeah! That's a cross section of a Babybel.
Yeah - You at all interested in the Ice Age? - Not especially.
Of all the ages, it's it's, er it's probably my favourite.
- Hmm.
It's a bit boring.
I just wondered if you wouldn't mind putting up one of my posters - in your classroom? - No, of course, babes.
- Mm.
- '"Which Way Now? '" Yeah, you know, just thought I'd brand the day.
Hopefully get it trending on Twitter - #sarahposternswhichwaynow.
Yeah.
No, I mean, I'd be up for doing one of your workshops.
- You?! - Well, yeah.
Well, um, actually nobody has put their name down for the CV workshop.
Well, you can count me in.
I'd love to learn about CVs.
Yeah, teaching it.
Oh, no, I knew I knew that.
Er, Sarah, can I have a word? I'm right here.
- In private.
- (SHE SIGHS) Yeah, no, it's fine, cos, um cos I've got some joegraffy marking to do.
- What is it, Keith? - I just feel I should be doing the CV workshop with you.
- Too late, I've already asked Trevor.
- I want to be part of - your careers posse! - If you're doing this - just to get back into my good books - No, no, no, I genuinely think what you're doing with this careers day is inspirational! Well, teaching is just a tiny part of what Sarah Postern does.
You are Sarah Postern.
I know.
These kids are at a crossroads.
Do they carry on with their education, or do they go and get a job? It's more of a T-junction.
But if there's anything I can do to help on Friday, anything at all, just let me know.
Well I still need someone to take part in the job interview role play - Yes! with Janine.
- No! - Why? You know her and I don't get on.
I try and take the moral high ground, but she is a total cow! Right, just forget it, Keith, OK? I will find somebody else to help me.
Someone who actually cares about these young people's futures.
- (HE STAMPS FOOT) - Please come in.
Stop.
Now, I didn't tell him to sit down.
And in a job interview, that would be a complete no-no.
Please go out and come back in again.
He didn't close the door.
- Come in! - I hadn't knocked yet - obviously that's a complete no-no.
If you're interviewing someone for a job, you have to wait for them to knock.
(HE STAMPS FOOT) Come in.
Sit down.
Good afternoon.
I'm here about the job.
Which job? I don't know.
An even bigger no-no.
Always know which job you've applied for.
You never told me what job it was! She never told me.
Let's just say this is a bank and you're applying for the position of bank clerk.
Tell me, what qualities do you have that would be suited - to the role of bank clerk? - Well, I'm equally comfortable working as an individual - or as part of a team - Ring-ring! Ring-ring! Ring-ring! Excuse me.
Hello, this is the bank, how can I help you? Who's that? No! Dead?! Oh, but I only saw her this morning! Well she'll sleep with the angels now.
So, do you have any previous experience of working in a bank? - Yes.
- Do you? - Yes.
- What experience exactly? I've actually been working in banks for the past 25 years, where I've risen to the position of bank manager.
In fact, I've been voted Bank Manager of the Year - for the past five years running.
- Well, then, you are overqualified for the job, - good day! - Right, let's end the scene there, shall we? Thank you both very much.
Your thoughts.
Where do you think Mr Church went wrong? I didn't go wrong, it was clear from the start I was never going to get the job.
Miss, I think he made a bad first impression.
Yes, we've covered that, thank you.
Also, I think he's got an attitude problem, Miss.
A bad attitude is the biggest no-no.
Well, you try it with her! See how you get on.
OK.
- (SHE STAMPS FOOT) - Come in! Please sit down.
- Good afternoon.
- You've got the job! (BACKGROUND CHATTER) Heard you ballsed-up your workshop, Churchy.
No.
I should have got that job.
Poor Sarah.
Pours her heart and soul into this careers thingy, then you come along and take a giant dump on it.
If anyone's going to take a giant deposit on today, it's you and your CV workshop.
I bet you don't even know what CV stands for(!) Yeah, I do.
Oh, go on, then.
I'm gonna go and get some dinner, gonna run out of chips.
No Well, obviously the C stands for '"careers'".
Go on.
V Verdict No.
Voucher.
Vasectomy.
Careers vasectomy - that's your final answer? Can I phone a friend? It's curriculum vitae.
I don't speak French.
(THEY SQUEAL) Just an autograph or a selfie.
Sorry, there's not time to do both.
- Selfie or autograph? - Actually, I just need to get to my locker.
Cool, cool.
Just getting shizzle out of the locker.
Keeping it real.
Fist bump.
OK, come on, get out of his way, get out of his way! Wow, Mr Rock Star! Yeah, to be honest, this is the part of it I really hate - the fame.
Yeah, that's the reason I don't want to become famous - the fame.
Yeah, you're best off how you are.
Completely anonymous.
Tell that to my 78 Twitter followers.
So, as it's your last day today, I have organised a little drinks party for you in the staff room at four o'clock.
Yeah, yeah, I'll try and swing by.
It's a party for you.
What time is it again and where? It's at four o'clock in the staff room.
Hmm put me down as a maybe.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Well, it'll be a teensy bit embarrassing for me if you don't come! (HIGH-PITCHED) Yes, but I'm quite famous now, so I don't know if I want to come.
- But it is a party for you! - OK, but I can't stay long.
Thank you! - (NORMAL VOICE) I'll see you later.
- (NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, see you later.
Are you all right there, Mr Hubble? These kippers are off.
- (TAPPING AT WINDOW) - Oi! Lads! Oh, hello, caretaker.
I'm starving.
Haven't eaten since Tuesday, and that was a conker.
Can I borrow some of those fish fingers? Ah Mmm I've got none left.
Keith, please.
I'm going to faint.
Just dunk it in the ketchup.
Careful of my fingers! I'm ready for the next one now.
Right! It's time for my session with Sarah.
- Er, maybe I should come and supervise.
- Hang on, I haven't had dessert yet.
(MUNCHING) First rule of CVs - don't be afraid to lie.
Oh, sorry - didn't want to stop you so soon - Just as I was getting going, babes.
- Mm, just a small correction.
You must never lie on a CV.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, you don't lie.
But, I mean, you can knock your grades up a little bit.
OK.
Stop you again.
You must definitely never '"knock your grades up a bit'".
- Why not? - Because it's wrong - and employers can check up on them.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
So, er Sorry, are you sure? I'm sure.
Bollocks.
No, I'll say it was a typo.
Anyway, at the end of the day, it don't matter what your grades are.
The most important thing is you got a good hobby.
Not a boring one.
So, you, what's your hobby? - I play the violin.
- No, that's boring.
- What about you? - Astronomy.
So boring.
What about you? I collect coins.
We've all got change, mate, that's not a hobby.
But mine are from all around the world.
Well, get yourself down to Thomas Cook and they'll change 'em for you.
Come on, we need something exciting, something that'll get you a job! What you put down, babes, modelling? Oh.
Well, that's kind, but, um, no.
You must've been quite fit when you were younger? Still am young.
Er what did I put down? Er well, obviously, my extensive charity work, er French cinema.
- Blueys? - Art house films.
And I also put down that I speak five languages.
Do ya? Yeah! All right, which ones? - English.
- Well, yeah, obviously.
French.
- Mm-hm.
That's two.
- Spanish.
German.
And Chinese.
- You speak Chinese? - Yes, it says so on my CV.
Go on, then - do a bit.
(SHE FAKES TONES AND PHRASES OF CHINESE) Right.
So it's all right to lie a bit.
(PHONE RINGS) So, to bring careers day to a close, we now have a very special guest.
We were at teacher training college together, but she took a different path to me and she now writes very successful books for children - Young adults.
young adults.
Selling over two million - Three million.
three million books, please give a very big Greybridge welcome to Fenella Forbes! Thanks for that little intro, Susan.
- Sarah.
- Oh, sorry, there were two ginger ones at college and I can never remember which one's which.
- Well, Susan was the fat one.
- The fatter, yeah.
So, first question.
What does it take to become a successful chil young adults' author? Very simple - an original idea.
And what was yours? A school for witches.
Hmm.
It's quite similar to Harry Potter.
That's a school for wizards.
Mine's a school for witches.
Ooh, forgive me.
Question two - how did you get your big break as a writer? Because a lot of it is luck, isn't it? - I always say you make your own luck.
- Hmm, that's what lucky people say.
Well, my father-in-law ran a publishing company.
- Lucky! - He had a look and he said it was - in his own words - '"the most original debut novel he'd ever read'".
Obviously hadn't heard of Harry Potter.
- And the rest, as they say, is history.
- The Second World War is history, this is really just a series of books for children.
- Young adults.
- Children.
Are we going to get on with the book signing or? No.
Question three - how much money do you get for each book sold? Er, it's not about the money at all, it's about doing something you love.
- A pound a book? - A bit more than that.
That's obscene.
So there you are, kids, money isn't important, according to the multi-millionaire.
So, let's open it up to your questions.
- Yes? - In your next book, will Whitney the Witch get eaten by the Dragon Headmistress? The only way you'll find out is by buying the book.
Whitney's not going to be killed off, Nicholas, not until every penny of your pocket money is in her bank account.
Next! So will there ever be a Whitney the Witch film? I think we'd all love to see Whitney on the big screen, wouldn't we? - PUPILS: Yeah.
- Hmm, you certainly would - buy yourself a well-earned yacht(!) Anyone else? Can I borrow £72,000? - (LAUGHTER) - Well, let's, um Let's just wrap up, shall we? I do have one final question.
Well, let's make it the last one.
Fenella, we both trained together, but I just wondered, do you ever regret not becoming a teacher? - Well - Uh-uh-uh, let me finish.
Because every day in myjob, I get to shape young people's lives for the better.
- Well, that's - Sh! Ahem.
And what could be more important than that? Your answer, please.
Well, it's interesting you say that, because sometimes I do feel that being a teacher is the most important job you can do.
Thank you.
- But then I think - (MOUTHS) what I do is so much more important.
Because I shape the lives of young people, but on a global scale.
Right, let's sign some books.
Are you all right, Sarah? Oh.
It's just been a difficult day.
Luke's leaving us to become a pop star.
Someone I was at teacher training college with now has a Chanel handbag.
And where am I? I mean, all day it's been '"Sarah Postern's Which Way Now? '", but it should've been '"Which way now, Sarah Postern? '" You are Sarah Postern.
I know.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads.
A T-junction.
Should I carry on teaching or should I write a bestselling series of children's novels? Carry on teaching.
Well I suppose I do have this gift for it.
You really do.
Plus, I think you'd find writing the bestselling series of children's novels quite hard.
But I know if you left you'd leave a massive hole in the hearts of everyone at Greybridge.
Especially me.
Thank you, Keith.
Hey! What are we all crying about? LUKE: #I see the same old faces every day ON CD PLAYER: # Every time I look They're getting old and grey Well, it's a dead-end job in a dead-end place #And my life - #Is not gonna go to waste # - 'Scuse me, Jo.
# I'm gonna soar # Yeah, I've been loving this careers day, Sarah.
Oh, good.
That's good.
It's given me a clear idea of what I'd like to be.
- What's that? - A wacky weatherman.
I think I'd be very good at cheering people up in the morning.
Good luck with that.
Er, I have to go and mingle.
Oh, Miss Baron! How wonderful that you're here, I really didn't expect youto come.
Sadly, I can't stay.
- Hello, Daphne.
- Oh, hi, Sarah.
Shame you're leaving us.
I know the Headmistress can't stand you, but I've always quite liked you.
It Well, it's actually Luke's leaving party.
Oh, right.
That's a shame, she likes him.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Ooh, here's the pop star! Can we not do the voice any more? - It's quite annoying.
- Yeah.
Look, I just wanted to say good luck with everything.
And don't forget all your friends here at Greybridge! Never forget the little people.
- (PHONE VIBRATES) - And I've got to take this, it's my manager.
Should have a chart update.
- (PHONE VIBRATES) - Sh! Sh! Sh! It's his manager with a chart update! Django! What's up? No, just at some crappy party.
So, er, how's Soardoing? - Nine?! - Oh, my God, we have a pop star at the party! He is number nine in the charts! No, no.
No, no.
I've, er I've, um sold nine copies.
Django, what happened?! I gave you £700! Right, we'll see you Monday morning then Barry Barlow.
Nine copies.
I know.
What a disaster(!) Still, it's really perked me up.
Got your stratus.
And your big one there, they're just called '"big clouds'".
We have a new teacher.
And, yes, he just happens to be blind.
- It's Keith Church.
- Hi.
- And I'm in the dining hall.
- Yes, I realise that.
We all call her Piggy Postern - because she has an upturned nose like a pig.
Do you mind if I just? I think we should see Dr Dalton for what he is - a cool teacher who just happens to be blind.
- Visually impaired.
- Visually impaired.
- Just ease it backwards.
- (ENGINE ROARS) Bugger! When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it No, we're not the same But let's not break the chain # We should play this game together.
#
Can I offer you a lift? No, thanks, Keith, it's quite near.
Still, be quicker in the car.
Hop in.
Argh.
Pop your seat belt on.
And here we are.
Thank you for the lift.
Sarah, I just wanted to say, it's a shame our dinner over the holidays didn't work out.
It's not nice for a woman to be stood up.
I didn't stand you up.
Who could've known the town had two Bella Italias? I did give you the address.
Yes, but I saw a Bella Italia in the town square and presumed you'd got the address wrong.
- I didn't get it wrong.
- Well, you could've got it wrong.
But I didn'tget it wrong.
You got it wrong.
So, did you enjoy your meal? Of course I didn't! I wasn't going to sit there on my own all night! Yes, I just had the bread and dips while I was waiting.
Then I had the spaghetti carbonara followed by the tiramisu.
After the cheese selection, I assumed you weren't coming, so I just had a coffee and some of those little almond biscuits.
Sounds like you had a very nice evening(!) Yes, and it was very reasonably priced.
We should go again.
Same restaurant or separate ones? - Same one this time.
- Hmm we'll see.
(PLAYGROUND HUBBUB) Well done, all! See you in September! Notice anything different about me today, babes? Are you wearing deodorant? No, it's my natural musk.
'Ere, look.
Tie, shirt.
Oh! What's this?! Oh, yes, you're reading a book(!) Yeah, and why's that? Cos I'm going up in the world, babes.
I'm not just the PE teacher any more.
No, no, from today I'm also teaching joegraffy.
- Geography.
- 'Ere, look.
Who knew clouds are full of rain? - Oosh! - (PHONE RINGS) Oh (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Excuse me, Jo.
So what happened to Gareth? Haven't you heard? Barber's gone mental.
You can't say that any more.
Yes.
He had a nervous episode.
Which made him go mental.
I think the pressure of teaching finally got to him.
And I shouldn't say this, but they found him crawling round the playing fields at night, - naked from the waist down.
- Thank you, Janine, that is nota pleasant image.
He had a soil thermometer wedgedinto his That's enough.
Some of us are trying to enjoy - a biscuit.
- Poor, poor Gareth.
I know we'll all miss seeing his smiley face in here.
Morning.
(SHE MOUTHS) I'm sorry? (WHISPERS) Let me speak to him.
- I'm sorry? - Let me speak to him.
Oh, right.
Um Hello, Gareth.
All right.
How are you? Fine.
How's your lunacy? (WHISPERS) Shut up, Keith! You're being very insensitive! - You're such a rude woman.
- I said '"shut up'"! Now, Gareth hmm, hmm there's no easy way to put this, but you're not a teacher here any more.
Yeah, I know.
If anyone's making a cup of tea, I'll have one.
- Eight sugars.
- Right, let me have a crack.
Oi! Fruit loop! You, you don't work here any more! Eesh! I do.
I'm the new caretaker.
Oh! Good for you! That's wonderful news, Gareth.
Cheers.
Polite note - they are teacher biscuits.
Not for maintenance staff.
So, a very big Greybridge welcome to all the newpupils who have joined us this year.
As your headmistress, I offer you one word of friendly advice - cross me and I will destroy you.
Miss, um Postern.
Been here a year.
- You asked for it, you got it! - School disco, Miss? - Uh-uh-uh.
- Paintballing? - Uh-uh-uh.
- No more French lessons? - (LAUGHTER) - No.
This Friday, I have organised a careers day! - (MR CHURCH CLAPS) - So, I'll be pulling together a careers posse and we will be running workshops in the morning, and in the afternoon, the big finale - a special celebrity guest is going to be coming in - and talking to us about their career.
- Is it Will Smith? - No.
- Is it Jay Z? - No.
- Katy Perry? It's someone quite well known but not as well known as that.
- Rihanna? - Can I just say, lower your expectations? So, I hope to see you all - at three o'clock on Friday.
- Is it Kim Kardashian? - Please stop.
- Is it one of the Kardashians? - No! - Better not be Justin Bieber.
- It's not Justin Bieber.
- My brother's mate reckons they saw Nicki Minaj in Nando's on Saturday.
Is it Nicki Minaj, Miss? It's not Nicki Minaj, no.
I'm going to just tell you who it is.
It is - drum roll, please - Fenella Forbes.
- (MURMURING) - Who? She's an author.
Whitney The Witch? - Whitney The Witch Casts A Spell? - PUPILS: Ah Whitney The Witch And The Cat Of Aznabar? We were at college together, and she's very kindly agreed to come and speak to you guys.
Now, I am going to hand you over to your music teacher, Mr Martin, who has some very exciting news about his own career.
Cheers.
So over the holidays, I recorded my debut single.
And, er Cheers, yeah.
And, er, it's out today on a little website you might have heard of, called iTune.
- PUPILS: Ooh.
- It's going to be big.
So, let's face it probably going to be my last week here Keep it together, Luke.
Anyway, the song is called, quite simply Soar.
That's S-O-A-R, not S-O-R-E.
Or S-A-W.
Bit weird to write a song about a saw.
Or any kind of tool, really.
OK, let's do this.
(INTRO BEGINS) # I see the same old faces every day # Every time I look # They're getting old and grey # Well, it's a dead-end job in a dead-end place # And my life is not gonna go to waste! # I'm gonna soar # Grow my wings and fly # And I'm gonna soar # Burn my suit and tie and I'm gonna soar # Wave these suckers goodbye # I'm gonna soar # Bye-bye Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
(CHEERING AND WHOOPING) (PUPILS WHISTLE) (LOW BEEPING) Morning.
(LOW BEEPING) Is she in? Is who in? The Headmistress.
Right, yeah.
In where? In the office.
Probably! Unless she just climbed out the window again.
- (KNOCKING) - Don't come in.
- (DOOR OPENS) - Morning, Headmistress.
- Oh, it's you.
Let me finish my tea.
- Just doing the bins.
Ah.
Half a sticky bun in here.
Are you not having it? No! It's been there since last term! It's a bit dry.
Anyway I just wanted to say - Do you mind if I sit? - Yes, I do mind.
I just wanted to say a big thanks for giving me a second chance after my interlude.
Well, sadly, these days, one can't sack someone for going '"Bleah-he-he-he hoo! '" No.
No.
- Else I'd've been out of a job years ago.
- Mm.
I won't lie to you, Headmistress, I've been going through a tough time of it.
- I think it all started - Would you mind having this conversation outside? Of course.
GARETH: It all started when the wife changed the locks.
She sold all my stuff on eBay and forced me to live in a caravan at the bottom of the garden.
(PUPILS CHATTER) Right, Gunn's in the house! Oof! There's a lot of different classrooms in this school, ain't there? Right joegraffy.
Rain comes down from the clouds, turns into sea.
Wind blows it back up again - water cycle.
Boom! Right, what else do you need to know for your CGCSEs? Mr Barber was going to teach us about the Ice Age.
Right, the Ice Age.
Ice Age It was a while back, weren't it? Nippy.
It's a lot of black ice - that's lethal.
I mean, - that's what killed the dinosaurs.
- You don't know anything about it, - do you, sir? - No, I do, actually! Hang on a minute, I'll have a little, um, little think.
Ahem.
Ice Age.
Right, there's a sloth, a woolly mammoth, a sabre-tooth tiger, all team up in a No, hang on, that's not Right, the Ice Age was a period of reduced global temperature resulting in the expansion of of polar ice sheets and glaceers.
There you go, nailed it! Eh? - Come on then, throw another one at me! - (BELL RINGS) Thanks for coming.
See you again.
Knock-knock-knock! - You all right, babes? - Oh, look at you! You look like a proper teacher.
No, I am a proper teacher.
This is my classroom.
- Do you want a quick tour? - Yeah.
That's coastal erosion.
- That's an oxbow lake - Yeah! That's a cross section of a Babybel.
Yeah - You at all interested in the Ice Age? - Not especially.
Of all the ages, it's it's, er it's probably my favourite.
- Hmm.
It's a bit boring.
I just wondered if you wouldn't mind putting up one of my posters - in your classroom? - No, of course, babes.
- Mm.
- '"Which Way Now? '" Yeah, you know, just thought I'd brand the day.
Hopefully get it trending on Twitter - #sarahposternswhichwaynow.
Yeah.
No, I mean, I'd be up for doing one of your workshops.
- You?! - Well, yeah.
Well, um, actually nobody has put their name down for the CV workshop.
Well, you can count me in.
I'd love to learn about CVs.
Yeah, teaching it.
Oh, no, I knew I knew that.
Er, Sarah, can I have a word? I'm right here.
- In private.
- (SHE SIGHS) Yeah, no, it's fine, cos, um cos I've got some joegraffy marking to do.
- What is it, Keith? - I just feel I should be doing the CV workshop with you.
- Too late, I've already asked Trevor.
- I want to be part of - your careers posse! - If you're doing this - just to get back into my good books - No, no, no, I genuinely think what you're doing with this careers day is inspirational! Well, teaching is just a tiny part of what Sarah Postern does.
You are Sarah Postern.
I know.
These kids are at a crossroads.
Do they carry on with their education, or do they go and get a job? It's more of a T-junction.
But if there's anything I can do to help on Friday, anything at all, just let me know.
Well I still need someone to take part in the job interview role play - Yes! with Janine.
- No! - Why? You know her and I don't get on.
I try and take the moral high ground, but she is a total cow! Right, just forget it, Keith, OK? I will find somebody else to help me.
Someone who actually cares about these young people's futures.
- (HE STAMPS FOOT) - Please come in.
Stop.
Now, I didn't tell him to sit down.
And in a job interview, that would be a complete no-no.
Please go out and come back in again.
He didn't close the door.
- Come in! - I hadn't knocked yet - obviously that's a complete no-no.
If you're interviewing someone for a job, you have to wait for them to knock.
(HE STAMPS FOOT) Come in.
Sit down.
Good afternoon.
I'm here about the job.
Which job? I don't know.
An even bigger no-no.
Always know which job you've applied for.
You never told me what job it was! She never told me.
Let's just say this is a bank and you're applying for the position of bank clerk.
Tell me, what qualities do you have that would be suited - to the role of bank clerk? - Well, I'm equally comfortable working as an individual - or as part of a team - Ring-ring! Ring-ring! Ring-ring! Excuse me.
Hello, this is the bank, how can I help you? Who's that? No! Dead?! Oh, but I only saw her this morning! Well she'll sleep with the angels now.
So, do you have any previous experience of working in a bank? - Yes.
- Do you? - Yes.
- What experience exactly? I've actually been working in banks for the past 25 years, where I've risen to the position of bank manager.
In fact, I've been voted Bank Manager of the Year - for the past five years running.
- Well, then, you are overqualified for the job, - good day! - Right, let's end the scene there, shall we? Thank you both very much.
Your thoughts.
Where do you think Mr Church went wrong? I didn't go wrong, it was clear from the start I was never going to get the job.
Miss, I think he made a bad first impression.
Yes, we've covered that, thank you.
Also, I think he's got an attitude problem, Miss.
A bad attitude is the biggest no-no.
Well, you try it with her! See how you get on.
OK.
- (SHE STAMPS FOOT) - Come in! Please sit down.
- Good afternoon.
- You've got the job! (BACKGROUND CHATTER) Heard you ballsed-up your workshop, Churchy.
No.
I should have got that job.
Poor Sarah.
Pours her heart and soul into this careers thingy, then you come along and take a giant dump on it.
If anyone's going to take a giant deposit on today, it's you and your CV workshop.
I bet you don't even know what CV stands for(!) Yeah, I do.
Oh, go on, then.
I'm gonna go and get some dinner, gonna run out of chips.
No Well, obviously the C stands for '"careers'".
Go on.
V Verdict No.
Voucher.
Vasectomy.
Careers vasectomy - that's your final answer? Can I phone a friend? It's curriculum vitae.
I don't speak French.
(THEY SQUEAL) Just an autograph or a selfie.
Sorry, there's not time to do both.
- Selfie or autograph? - Actually, I just need to get to my locker.
Cool, cool.
Just getting shizzle out of the locker.
Keeping it real.
Fist bump.
OK, come on, get out of his way, get out of his way! Wow, Mr Rock Star! Yeah, to be honest, this is the part of it I really hate - the fame.
Yeah, that's the reason I don't want to become famous - the fame.
Yeah, you're best off how you are.
Completely anonymous.
Tell that to my 78 Twitter followers.
So, as it's your last day today, I have organised a little drinks party for you in the staff room at four o'clock.
Yeah, yeah, I'll try and swing by.
It's a party for you.
What time is it again and where? It's at four o'clock in the staff room.
Hmm put me down as a maybe.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Well, it'll be a teensy bit embarrassing for me if you don't come! (HIGH-PITCHED) Yes, but I'm quite famous now, so I don't know if I want to come.
- But it is a party for you! - OK, but I can't stay long.
Thank you! - (NORMAL VOICE) I'll see you later.
- (NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, see you later.
Are you all right there, Mr Hubble? These kippers are off.
- (TAPPING AT WINDOW) - Oi! Lads! Oh, hello, caretaker.
I'm starving.
Haven't eaten since Tuesday, and that was a conker.
Can I borrow some of those fish fingers? Ah Mmm I've got none left.
Keith, please.
I'm going to faint.
Just dunk it in the ketchup.
Careful of my fingers! I'm ready for the next one now.
Right! It's time for my session with Sarah.
- Er, maybe I should come and supervise.
- Hang on, I haven't had dessert yet.
(MUNCHING) First rule of CVs - don't be afraid to lie.
Oh, sorry - didn't want to stop you so soon - Just as I was getting going, babes.
- Mm, just a small correction.
You must never lie on a CV.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, you don't lie.
But, I mean, you can knock your grades up a little bit.
OK.
Stop you again.
You must definitely never '"knock your grades up a bit'".
- Why not? - Because it's wrong - and employers can check up on them.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
So, er Sorry, are you sure? I'm sure.
Bollocks.
No, I'll say it was a typo.
Anyway, at the end of the day, it don't matter what your grades are.
The most important thing is you got a good hobby.
Not a boring one.
So, you, what's your hobby? - I play the violin.
- No, that's boring.
- What about you? - Astronomy.
So boring.
What about you? I collect coins.
We've all got change, mate, that's not a hobby.
But mine are from all around the world.
Well, get yourself down to Thomas Cook and they'll change 'em for you.
Come on, we need something exciting, something that'll get you a job! What you put down, babes, modelling? Oh.
Well, that's kind, but, um, no.
You must've been quite fit when you were younger? Still am young.
Er what did I put down? Er well, obviously, my extensive charity work, er French cinema.
- Blueys? - Art house films.
And I also put down that I speak five languages.
Do ya? Yeah! All right, which ones? - English.
- Well, yeah, obviously.
French.
- Mm-hm.
That's two.
- Spanish.
German.
And Chinese.
- You speak Chinese? - Yes, it says so on my CV.
Go on, then - do a bit.
(SHE FAKES TONES AND PHRASES OF CHINESE) Right.
So it's all right to lie a bit.
(PHONE RINGS) So, to bring careers day to a close, we now have a very special guest.
We were at teacher training college together, but she took a different path to me and she now writes very successful books for children - Young adults.
young adults.
Selling over two million - Three million.
three million books, please give a very big Greybridge welcome to Fenella Forbes! Thanks for that little intro, Susan.
- Sarah.
- Oh, sorry, there were two ginger ones at college and I can never remember which one's which.
- Well, Susan was the fat one.
- The fatter, yeah.
So, first question.
What does it take to become a successful chil young adults' author? Very simple - an original idea.
And what was yours? A school for witches.
Hmm.
It's quite similar to Harry Potter.
That's a school for wizards.
Mine's a school for witches.
Ooh, forgive me.
Question two - how did you get your big break as a writer? Because a lot of it is luck, isn't it? - I always say you make your own luck.
- Hmm, that's what lucky people say.
Well, my father-in-law ran a publishing company.
- Lucky! - He had a look and he said it was - in his own words - '"the most original debut novel he'd ever read'".
Obviously hadn't heard of Harry Potter.
- And the rest, as they say, is history.
- The Second World War is history, this is really just a series of books for children.
- Young adults.
- Children.
Are we going to get on with the book signing or? No.
Question three - how much money do you get for each book sold? Er, it's not about the money at all, it's about doing something you love.
- A pound a book? - A bit more than that.
That's obscene.
So there you are, kids, money isn't important, according to the multi-millionaire.
So, let's open it up to your questions.
- Yes? - In your next book, will Whitney the Witch get eaten by the Dragon Headmistress? The only way you'll find out is by buying the book.
Whitney's not going to be killed off, Nicholas, not until every penny of your pocket money is in her bank account.
Next! So will there ever be a Whitney the Witch film? I think we'd all love to see Whitney on the big screen, wouldn't we? - PUPILS: Yeah.
- Hmm, you certainly would - buy yourself a well-earned yacht(!) Anyone else? Can I borrow £72,000? - (LAUGHTER) - Well, let's, um Let's just wrap up, shall we? I do have one final question.
Well, let's make it the last one.
Fenella, we both trained together, but I just wondered, do you ever regret not becoming a teacher? - Well - Uh-uh-uh, let me finish.
Because every day in myjob, I get to shape young people's lives for the better.
- Well, that's - Sh! Ahem.
And what could be more important than that? Your answer, please.
Well, it's interesting you say that, because sometimes I do feel that being a teacher is the most important job you can do.
Thank you.
- But then I think - (MOUTHS) what I do is so much more important.
Because I shape the lives of young people, but on a global scale.
Right, let's sign some books.
Are you all right, Sarah? Oh.
It's just been a difficult day.
Luke's leaving us to become a pop star.
Someone I was at teacher training college with now has a Chanel handbag.
And where am I? I mean, all day it's been '"Sarah Postern's Which Way Now? '", but it should've been '"Which way now, Sarah Postern? '" You are Sarah Postern.
I know.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads.
A T-junction.
Should I carry on teaching or should I write a bestselling series of children's novels? Carry on teaching.
Well I suppose I do have this gift for it.
You really do.
Plus, I think you'd find writing the bestselling series of children's novels quite hard.
But I know if you left you'd leave a massive hole in the hearts of everyone at Greybridge.
Especially me.
Thank you, Keith.
Hey! What are we all crying about? LUKE: #I see the same old faces every day ON CD PLAYER: # Every time I look They're getting old and grey Well, it's a dead-end job in a dead-end place #And my life - #Is not gonna go to waste # - 'Scuse me, Jo.
# I'm gonna soar # Yeah, I've been loving this careers day, Sarah.
Oh, good.
That's good.
It's given me a clear idea of what I'd like to be.
- What's that? - A wacky weatherman.
I think I'd be very good at cheering people up in the morning.
Good luck with that.
Er, I have to go and mingle.
Oh, Miss Baron! How wonderful that you're here, I really didn't expect youto come.
Sadly, I can't stay.
- Hello, Daphne.
- Oh, hi, Sarah.
Shame you're leaving us.
I know the Headmistress can't stand you, but I've always quite liked you.
It Well, it's actually Luke's leaving party.
Oh, right.
That's a shame, she likes him.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Ooh, here's the pop star! Can we not do the voice any more? - It's quite annoying.
- Yeah.
Look, I just wanted to say good luck with everything.
And don't forget all your friends here at Greybridge! Never forget the little people.
- (PHONE VIBRATES) - And I've got to take this, it's my manager.
Should have a chart update.
- (PHONE VIBRATES) - Sh! Sh! Sh! It's his manager with a chart update! Django! What's up? No, just at some crappy party.
So, er, how's Soardoing? - Nine?! - Oh, my God, we have a pop star at the party! He is number nine in the charts! No, no.
No, no.
I've, er I've, um sold nine copies.
Django, what happened?! I gave you £700! Right, we'll see you Monday morning then Barry Barlow.
Nine copies.
I know.
What a disaster(!) Still, it's really perked me up.
Got your stratus.
And your big one there, they're just called '"big clouds'".
We have a new teacher.
And, yes, he just happens to be blind.
- It's Keith Church.
- Hi.
- And I'm in the dining hall.
- Yes, I realise that.
We all call her Piggy Postern - because she has an upturned nose like a pig.
Do you mind if I just? I think we should see Dr Dalton for what he is - a cool teacher who just happens to be blind.
- Visually impaired.
- Visually impaired.
- Just ease it backwards.
- (ENGINE ROARS) Bugger! When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it No, we're not the same But let's not break the chain # We should play this game together.
#