Big School (2013) s02e05 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 5
1 (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) MISS POSTERN: Bullying.
Bullying.
Bully-ing.
Not a word we want to hear at this school.
Stop saying it, then.
We have a new boy at Greybridge who had to leave his last school, because of a problem with bullying.
I'm not gonna mention any names.
All I'm going to say is, this boy happens to be disabled.
- I wonder who it is, Miss.
- (RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER) I said, '"Mentioning no names'", Dean.
So, I would like you all to stand up and Not you, Dean.
And shout out, '"Stand up to bullies! '" - STUDENTS: Stand up to bullies.
- I can't hear you! It was quite loud enough, thank you, Miss, um Postern.
Tsk! It's kind of bullying, pretending not to know someone's name.
Oh, shut up.
Now, this week marks quite an anniversary.
Our beloved Head of Science, Mr Hubble, is celebrating an incredible 40 years at Greybridge.
To commemorate this huge milestone, we'd like to present you with this Parker pen.
Mr Hubble? Would you like to say a few words? Oi, Gandalf, you're on.
- (AUDIENCE CLAPPING) - Oh, thank you.
Ha-ha.
Thank you.
May I just add my hearty congratulations to Mr Hubble, a true friend and a wonderful colleague with an unrivalled collection - of Victorian erotica.
- (GUNN LAUGHS) I will make sure that he gets this with all our thanks.
For he's a jolly good fellow - (OTHERS JOIN IN) - # For he's a jolly good fellow! # For he's a jolly good fellow! And so say all of us.
Thank you, Mr Hubble, thank you.
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING) (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) You can all go now.
(LOW CHATTER) Au revoir, la classe.
It means, '"Goodbye, class.
'" (LOW CHATTER) Dean, can I have a quick word with you? What is it? Are you, er stopping me for speeding? Hm? Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh! Oh, that is that is wonderful.
It's wonderful, the way you can just laugh at your at your this.
So, how is your first day at Greybridge? - Magical.
It's like, er Hogwarts.
- Seriously, though.
- Are you being bullied? - Nope.
- Sure? - Yeah.
- Positive? - Yep.
- A little bit? - No.
Tiny bit? - Should I have been bullied? - No! No, no.
I mean, look, all kinds of kids get bullied at school.
I mean it's difficult to believe, I know, but even I was bullied when I was at school.
Yeah, I can believe that.
Well, it's quite difficult to believe, isn't it? - Not really.
You are a ginger.
- They didn't bully me for that.
- Was it your cankles? - I don't actually have cankles.
There is a clear distinction between my ankles and my calves.
But this isn't about me.
Ah, I've got it.
Was it cos you cut your own fringe? I actually get my hair cut at Toni & Guy, so you're wrong and you are late for your next lesson.
And I was bullied for being too beautiful.
You're right, it is hard to believe.
I just had a query about - (COFFEE MAKER GRINDING) Mr Hubble's present fund.
(COFFEE MAKER STOPS) I'm sorry.
What was that? I had a query about Mr Hubble's present fund.
Please take your hands off my chairs.
- What about it? - Well, I collected £162.
50.
Mm! Wonderful coffee.
And I just called Ryman's, and that particular Parker pen retails at £9.
99.
The engraving was very expensive.
It just says Parker on it.
Where is this going, Mr Church? Well, just that by my rough calculation, that leaves £152.
51 - (COFFEE MAKER GRINDING) unaccounted for.
Roughly the price of an espresso machine! - (MACHINE STOPS) - I'm sorry.
I didn't catch a word of that.
- Will that be all? - No.
There was just one Ha! Tiny thing.
Go on.
Well, I just wondered if this extraordinary 40 years at the school marked a good time for Well, for Mr Hubble to Well Ha-ha-ha! To - Spit it out, man.
- Hang up his lab coat for good.
Mr Church, for the last time, I'm not making you Head of Science.
- But he's not with it any more.
- Mr Hubble is perfectly capable.
Yesterday I found him in the chemistry storeroom eating a sponge.
Goodbye, Mr Church.
(COFFEE MAKER ON) He put paté on it, but it was still a sponge! (COFFEE MAKER ON) (COFFEE MAKER STOPS) Don't mind me, Mr Hubble.
I'll just tidy around you.
(CHAIRS BANG) MR BARBER: Lovely pen, that, the Parker.
I had a super collection of Bics, every colour of the rainbow.
The ex-wife's got them now.
Anyway, I do enjoy our little chats.
See you on Monday.
You have a nice weekend now.
(CHAIRS BANG) MS BARON: This will not be tolerated.
If I had my way, anyone failing to return a library book on time would be Tasered.
These books are the property of the school Psst! Churchy.
He nodded off again.
and you should all consider yourselves lucky Mr Hubble? Mr Hubble? He's cold.
Blimey, he's snuffed it.
He must have been here all weekend.
I'll get up and say something.
- Maybe we'll get the day off.
- No, no, no, no.
The children mustn't know.
They'll be traumatised.
Mr Church, do you have something to share with the rest of us? Oh ha! No, no, no, no, Headmistress.
Er just enjoying a joke with Mr Hubble.
Ha! Keep it down, you! Don't push him on me.
It's chemistry.
It's your department.
In the county tournament at the weekend, our Year-10 football team scored a goal.
Unfortunately, they let in nine.
I suppose we ought to give them a round of applause.
(APPLAUSE) Make him clap.
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) - Right, you can go.
Catch you later, Churchy.
Wait! We can't just leave him here.
Mr Hubble? I can't make Science Fun Club today.
Oh, he will be disappointed.
Is he OK, sir? Yes, yes, he's fine.
Ha! You're OK, aren't you? - Do the voice.
- I can't.
- Do the voice.
- (MIMICS HUBBLE) Yes, yes.
I'm fine, thank you.
- He's not Scottish.
- I panicked.
Yes, well, run along now, Nisha.
Ha-ha-ha! (HIGH-PITCHED) Goodbye, Nisha.
(HE CLEARS THROAT) Consistency.
MS BARON: Do you know what I used to do to bullies? I would smack them and then take away their lunch money.
Sadly, one can't do that any more.
I rushed straight here, Headmistress.
Nicholas, I thought better of you.
What have I been saying in assembly about bullying? - He's - No, I don't want to hear your excuses.
Just because Dean is - Short-sighted? - No.
Just because Dean is - Wheat-intolerant? - No.
Just because Dean is - A quarter Belgian? - No.
Just because Dean is Oh, do be quiet, woman.
It's Dean that's the bully.
Dean? Well, what have you been doing? Just Tipp-Ex'd a pair of gloves on his hands.
- Why? - It looked cold outside.
Well, I hope it wasn't school Tipp-Ex.
We're on an economy drive.
Well, I just don't understand.
This is appalling behaviour.
Well, what do you expect from this boy? I told you he had to leave his last school because of bullying.
Yes, but I thought he was the one being bullied.
- Duh! - Nicholas, you can leave now.
- What am I supposed to do about this? - MS BARON: Well, don't worry about it.
It'll flake off in a week or so.
- Thanks.
- And don't touch the door handle.
(DOOR CREAKS) Well, I am shocked.
Now, please, whatever you do, don't sit down.
Expelled for bullying? How many times do you need to be told? Mm, about four or five.
Well, perhaps I should expel you from Greybridge? - Not arsed.
- No.
No, look, please don't expel Dean.
You know how good I am with problem kids.
I can turn him around.
I just need a little bit of one-to-one time.
Well, that sounds like punishment enough.
You can both leave now.
Come on, buddy.
Let's you and me go and have a good old chat.
Is it too late for you to just expel me, or? Where are we taking him? - Lost property cupboard.
- No.
No, no, no.
No, there's no room.
- I've got my home-brew kit in there.
- (SIGHS) Here, quick, quick, quick.
Bend it! - He shouldn't be in here.
- Don't worry.
It's empty.
(DOOR CREAKS) Ah.
Hello, Jo.
Ha.
You'll be, er needing this.
Might want to, er Iock the door next time.
Hm? (DOOR CREAKS) - Right.
Quick, quick, quick.
- It's horrible.
Quickly.
(MR GUNN GRUNTS) - (THUMP) - Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Hubble.
It's not like he can hear you.
- All right? - Oh.
Huh.
Hello, caretaker.
Still asleep, is he? I hate to break this to you, but I have some rather upsetting news.
- He's - He's dead.
Oh.
Oh, no.
He was so young.
Mind you, I did think it was odd, because he'd been asleep in the assembly hall since Friday and that's, what, 48 hours.
No, that would be two days.
Three days is 74 hours.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, it's more like 88.
It's 24 times three, which is Right, look, half of 24 is 12.
One 12 is 12.
Two 12s are - It's quicker if I use a calculator.
- I was nearly there.
- 72.
- Right, so you're wrong, Churchy.
- Well, what did you say? - 88.
- And you? - 48.
- Well, I was the closest.
- Still wrong, though.
Yeah, but least wrong or most right.
So, Mr Hubble has been dead for 72 hours.
Still, at least he put a lovely shine on the floor.
We gave him that pen.
That's a Parker pen, that is.
That is the king of pens.
That's a £10 pen.
That's a nice pen.
Will you show some respect? Yes, both of you.
- So, what are you gonna do with him? - We're not sure.
We don't wanna frighten the kiddies, you see.
Caretaker to the rescue.
I've got just the place.
- There we go.
- Is it all right to put him in there? Yes, the binmen are coming tomorrow.
You can't leave him out for the binmen.
We've got to call a doctor.
There's not much hope for him now, is there? No, you imbecile.
A doctor has got to pronounce him dead.
Well, I can do that.
Well, he's dead.
Shall I call an ambulance? I forget the number.
It's 99 something.
No, no, no.
If the children see an ambulance, it'll all become a circus.
Well, why don't I just get him to the doctor's? Well, how are you gonna do that? Easy, I'll use the company car.
So, thank you so much for helping us with this, Luke.
No diggity.
This is something you call rap therapy? Yeah, rapathy.
- God help us.
- It's a way of channelling anger.
Life sucks, and sometimes you just wanna, um-mm-mmm - All right? mm-mm-mm Yep, thanks.
This one time, my sister Helen, we had an argument, a biggy, and she flushed one of my Mighty Morphin Power Rangers down the toilet, and I was so angry, I just got in the car and I just drove, and I thought about all the ways that I could get rid of this anger.
Kick her in the knee.
Burn all her clothes.
Yank her hair out until she was bald Well, we don't need the whole list.
OK, but instead of doing any of that, I just started rapping.
Rapathy.
Rap-a-thy.
Rapathy.
Rap-athy.
- Shall we just get on with it? - Yeah.
So, er we're just gonna do some freestyling.
I'll start us off, then you, then Deano.
- This guy.
- Big D.
- This fella.
There he is.
- Double D.
- Snoop Doggy D.
- Whoa! It's just Dean.
- (MUSIC PLAYS) - # I'm Deano # When I get angry, I get real mad # It makes me feel like I'll do something bad # But just before I'm about to snap I get on the mic and I do a big rap # Hey! Baron make me angry make me scream and shout # She forgets my name What's that all about? # But instead of punching her repeatedly in the face # I pick up my mic and I rap all over the place! - # Whoa! - # I'm rapping! - # Whoa! - # Oh, yeah! - # Oh! - # I'm rapping.
# (MUSIC PLAYING) Can I be honest? Yeah, rap your truth, brother.
Your rapping is making me want to hit somebody.
(MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) (CHATTERING) Dead? It's three days, which is 72 hours.
Mm, he was stiff as a board, but still clutching that cheap pen.
It was a £160 pen.
So you keep saying.
Enjoying your espresso? This thing here makes frothy milk, so I'm actually having a cappuccino.
- Oh, how wonderful for you! - I was very close to him.
- No, you weren't.
- Yes, I was.
Which is why I'm gonna need the rest of the week off, to get over his untimely passing.
If you were so close to Mr Hubble, what was his first name? Dave.
Pete.
Bazzer.
All right, Baz.
Mohammed.
No.
- It was John.
- Well, I said that already, didn't I? It was very sad for John Hubble.
That was his name, John, and do you know the worst part, Headmistress? What? The school no longer has a Head of Science.
Oh, that didn't take you long, did it? And his body's not even Where is his body? Bugger! (BIRDSONG) - Job done.
- (CROWS CAW) (CHURCH BELL RINGS) MR CHURCH: John Hubble.
That's the name his friends used.
It wasn't Baz or Bazzer.
Or indeed Mohammed.
It was John.
John Hubble died on the very day he celebrated 40 years at Greybridge.
This momentous occasion was commemorated with the gift of a pen - a Parker pen, that both Ryman's and WH Smith sell for the recommended retail price of £9.
99.
Sadly, his heart stopped beating.
Whether it was the excitement of the day or the disappointment at receiving such an unremarkable pen, we'll never know.
He leaves behind not only his father and mother, but he also leaves a hole in the hearts of us all.
But, more importantly, he leaves a vacancy in the role of Head of Science.
Nothing's been announced yet, but Mm! Heh.
Thank thank you.
Thank you, Mr Church.
Thank you.
Please remain seated while the choir sing Amazing Grace.
- Well done for holding it together.
- Thank you.
- OTHERS: # Amazing Grace # - Trevor's taking it very badly, though.
- (CONGREGATION SINGS) - I can't bear to watch this any more.
(FOOTBALL COMMENTARY) - What's the score? - Eh? - What's the score? - It's one-nil.
(CONGREGATION SINGING) Oh.
Sorry I'm late.
Budge up, Churchy.
Oh, hello.
Went to the wrong funeral.
I wondered why everyone was Indian.
Lovely spread, though.
- Onion bhaji? - Oh, no, no, thank you.
And er I'm sorry to say that this row was actually reserved for teaching staff only.
Oh, right.
Well, I know my place.
If you fancy some of those, I'll be at the back.
(CONGREGATION SING) Ah! No! - I now - (MR BARBER MUNCHES) call upon, er Sorry, is someone eating crisps at the back? Don't worry, Vicar.
It's just a poppadom.
(CRUNCHING CONTINUES) And I now call upon Margaret Baron, headmistress at Greybridge School, to lead us in prayer.
GUNN: Get in there! Heh-heh! (FOOTBALL COMMENTARY) Let us pray.
Dear Lord we give thanks for the life of our friend, our colleague John Hubble.
A light has gone out at the school for ever, but we know a light has gone on in heaven.
May you rest in peace.
Amen.
Thank you for those wonderful words, Ms Baron.
(DOOR SLAMS) - (TYRES SCREECH OUTSIDE) - Ms Baron? Now let us all sing the hymn Abide With Me.
# Abide with me - # Fast falls the eventide # - Stop it.
Ow! Stop it.
The darkness deepens - I said stop it.
- Dean, stop it.
Miss, I'm just making sure he keeps in time.
Dean, what have we been talking about all week? That you should really use a ruler when you're cutting your own fringe? I've had just about enough of you.
You are a bully! Do you hear me? A bully.
And people like you shouldn't be allowed to come to school! (PEOPLE GASP) Poor disabled boy.
What? No.
No, no.
I wasn't I wasn't I wasn't talking about him being I'm not saying because he's you know.
I'm talking about him being Miss, please don't attack an unfortunate boy like myself.
- Dean! - In the house of our Lord and Saviour.
MISS POSTERN: Oh, for God's sake! Have you quite finished? Yeah.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Just so you know, though, he was actually being I don't want to hear it.
If you hadn't noticed, this is a funeral.
I had noticed.
Coffin, flowers, bit of a giveaway.
There's no need to answer back.
No, there's no need to answer back.
So, mm.
- Do you want me to send you out? - Nope.
- You sure? - Yep.
So, not another word out of you.
Not a problem.
Now, before we commit Just so you know, he was actually being Get out.
- What? - Get out.
- You are joking? - I'm not joking.
Get out.
(PUTS DOWN PRAYERS) I don't even care.
Mm.
I don't care.
Yeah, I don't care.
- Can I just stand here? - All the way out.
It's a rubbish church! Now, before we commit John Hubble's body to the ground, let us remember him with his favourite piece of music sung by his beloved lab technician Jo.
Ready, Jo? # Ave Maria # Gratia plena # Maria # Gratia plena # Maria # Gratia plena # Ave # Ave dominus Dominus tecum.
- (BIRDSONG) - (CROWS CAW) For me, the most moving part was Jo singing Ave Maria.
I think you'd left by then.
You haven't really come here to talk about Mr Hubble's funeral, have you? Yes, yes, I I have.
Well, thank you very much, Mr Church.
It's been wonderful talking to you.
Goodbye.
(PHONE RINGS) - Oh, there was just one other thing.
- Here we go.
It's about the now sadly vacant position of Head of Science.
This is getting really tiresome.
Why does it matter so much to you, Mr Church? I just feel, if I was made head of department, I could really inspire the next generation of chemists, plus you get to sit at a special table at lunch.
Well, you'll be glad to hear I'll be making an announcement at this morning's assembly.
Oh.
It's wrong to ask who's got the top job, but should I prepare a speech, or? All will be clear in assembly, Mr Church.
Obviously I won't be making any more insinuations about the espresso machine.
Well, why would you? Exactly.
- Quick yes or no? - No.
Sorry.
Is that a no? Or a no to the '"Yes or no'"? Yes.
Right.
Is that a yes? Or a yes, the no to the '"yes or no'"? Sorry, can we just go back to the beginning? (COFFEE MAKER ON) - (WHIRRING STOPS) - It would just be helpful (COFFEE MAKER WHIRS) (COFFEE MAKER STOPS) And if anyone has any concerns, anything at all, don't bring them to me.
- Well, I hope you get it.
- Get what? Head of Science.
Oh, I hadn't really been thinking about it.
MS BARON: And after much consideration, I can announce that the new Head of Science is Mr Church.
- (OTHERS APPLAUD) - Oh! Thank you, Headmistress! Thank you, everybody.
Wow! Wow! Wow! Just like to, er say a few words.
There isn't time, Mr Church.
And as of Monday, to save money, we're having a complete staff restructure and I'm scrapping all heads of department.
That'll be all.
(LOW CHATTER) (MR GUNN LAUGHS) Nice one, Churchy.
Head of Science for one whole day.
You're forgetting it's the weekend tomorrow, so it's actually three days.
MR GUNN: School ain't open at the weekend.
Yeah, it's still three days off.
72 hours.
I've had dumps last longer than that.
I'm sorry, Keith.
It's fine, Sarah.
It's really fine.
Don't let it get you down.
I won't.
I was wondering if, er the new Head of Science would care to join a lowly French teacher for a celebratory lunch in the school's canteen today? Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha! He would absolutely love to.
Great, I'll see you at one.
Actually, I should really sit at the special table with the other heads of department.
- Have you been sleeping in my classroom? - Like a dirty vagrant? MISS POSTERN: All Gareth needs is a place to sleep.
This is my bedroom, or, as I call it, Shag Central.
So lovely you're staying with us.
You know, Trevor never introduces me to any of his friends.
MR BARBER: Don't worry, Trevor.
I'm not gonna go into all the ins and outs of what I got up to with your mother.
That's my mum you're talking about.
She only ever done it once and that was to have me.
Thank you for letting me share your classroom.
We're finally moving in together.
Yes, but just into a classroom.
No idea, Headmistress! He is unbelievably selfish Shut up! Why don't the two of you just go off and have some angry sex? I was thinking I could just change classrooms.
Mm, we should consider all the options.
When I think about the days there is something of a haze about it No, we're not the same But let's not break the chain We should play this game together.
Bullying.
Bully-ing.
Not a word we want to hear at this school.
Stop saying it, then.
We have a new boy at Greybridge who had to leave his last school, because of a problem with bullying.
I'm not gonna mention any names.
All I'm going to say is, this boy happens to be disabled.
- I wonder who it is, Miss.
- (RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER) I said, '"Mentioning no names'", Dean.
So, I would like you all to stand up and Not you, Dean.
And shout out, '"Stand up to bullies! '" - STUDENTS: Stand up to bullies.
- I can't hear you! It was quite loud enough, thank you, Miss, um Postern.
Tsk! It's kind of bullying, pretending not to know someone's name.
Oh, shut up.
Now, this week marks quite an anniversary.
Our beloved Head of Science, Mr Hubble, is celebrating an incredible 40 years at Greybridge.
To commemorate this huge milestone, we'd like to present you with this Parker pen.
Mr Hubble? Would you like to say a few words? Oi, Gandalf, you're on.
- (AUDIENCE CLAPPING) - Oh, thank you.
Ha-ha.
Thank you.
May I just add my hearty congratulations to Mr Hubble, a true friend and a wonderful colleague with an unrivalled collection - of Victorian erotica.
- (GUNN LAUGHS) I will make sure that he gets this with all our thanks.
For he's a jolly good fellow - (OTHERS JOIN IN) - # For he's a jolly good fellow! # For he's a jolly good fellow! And so say all of us.
Thank you, Mr Hubble, thank you.
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING) (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) You can all go now.
(LOW CHATTER) Au revoir, la classe.
It means, '"Goodbye, class.
'" (LOW CHATTER) Dean, can I have a quick word with you? What is it? Are you, er stopping me for speeding? Hm? Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh! Oh, that is that is wonderful.
It's wonderful, the way you can just laugh at your at your this.
So, how is your first day at Greybridge? - Magical.
It's like, er Hogwarts.
- Seriously, though.
- Are you being bullied? - Nope.
- Sure? - Yeah.
- Positive? - Yep.
- A little bit? - No.
Tiny bit? - Should I have been bullied? - No! No, no.
I mean, look, all kinds of kids get bullied at school.
I mean it's difficult to believe, I know, but even I was bullied when I was at school.
Yeah, I can believe that.
Well, it's quite difficult to believe, isn't it? - Not really.
You are a ginger.
- They didn't bully me for that.
- Was it your cankles? - I don't actually have cankles.
There is a clear distinction between my ankles and my calves.
But this isn't about me.
Ah, I've got it.
Was it cos you cut your own fringe? I actually get my hair cut at Toni & Guy, so you're wrong and you are late for your next lesson.
And I was bullied for being too beautiful.
You're right, it is hard to believe.
I just had a query about - (COFFEE MAKER GRINDING) Mr Hubble's present fund.
(COFFEE MAKER STOPS) I'm sorry.
What was that? I had a query about Mr Hubble's present fund.
Please take your hands off my chairs.
- What about it? - Well, I collected £162.
50.
Mm! Wonderful coffee.
And I just called Ryman's, and that particular Parker pen retails at £9.
99.
The engraving was very expensive.
It just says Parker on it.
Where is this going, Mr Church? Well, just that by my rough calculation, that leaves £152.
51 - (COFFEE MAKER GRINDING) unaccounted for.
Roughly the price of an espresso machine! - (MACHINE STOPS) - I'm sorry.
I didn't catch a word of that.
- Will that be all? - No.
There was just one Ha! Tiny thing.
Go on.
Well, I just wondered if this extraordinary 40 years at the school marked a good time for Well, for Mr Hubble to Well Ha-ha-ha! To - Spit it out, man.
- Hang up his lab coat for good.
Mr Church, for the last time, I'm not making you Head of Science.
- But he's not with it any more.
- Mr Hubble is perfectly capable.
Yesterday I found him in the chemistry storeroom eating a sponge.
Goodbye, Mr Church.
(COFFEE MAKER ON) He put paté on it, but it was still a sponge! (COFFEE MAKER ON) (COFFEE MAKER STOPS) Don't mind me, Mr Hubble.
I'll just tidy around you.
(CHAIRS BANG) MR BARBER: Lovely pen, that, the Parker.
I had a super collection of Bics, every colour of the rainbow.
The ex-wife's got them now.
Anyway, I do enjoy our little chats.
See you on Monday.
You have a nice weekend now.
(CHAIRS BANG) MS BARON: This will not be tolerated.
If I had my way, anyone failing to return a library book on time would be Tasered.
These books are the property of the school Psst! Churchy.
He nodded off again.
and you should all consider yourselves lucky Mr Hubble? Mr Hubble? He's cold.
Blimey, he's snuffed it.
He must have been here all weekend.
I'll get up and say something.
- Maybe we'll get the day off.
- No, no, no, no.
The children mustn't know.
They'll be traumatised.
Mr Church, do you have something to share with the rest of us? Oh ha! No, no, no, no, Headmistress.
Er just enjoying a joke with Mr Hubble.
Ha! Keep it down, you! Don't push him on me.
It's chemistry.
It's your department.
In the county tournament at the weekend, our Year-10 football team scored a goal.
Unfortunately, they let in nine.
I suppose we ought to give them a round of applause.
(APPLAUSE) Make him clap.
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) - Right, you can go.
Catch you later, Churchy.
Wait! We can't just leave him here.
Mr Hubble? I can't make Science Fun Club today.
Oh, he will be disappointed.
Is he OK, sir? Yes, yes, he's fine.
Ha! You're OK, aren't you? - Do the voice.
- I can't.
- Do the voice.
- (MIMICS HUBBLE) Yes, yes.
I'm fine, thank you.
- He's not Scottish.
- I panicked.
Yes, well, run along now, Nisha.
Ha-ha-ha! (HIGH-PITCHED) Goodbye, Nisha.
(HE CLEARS THROAT) Consistency.
MS BARON: Do you know what I used to do to bullies? I would smack them and then take away their lunch money.
Sadly, one can't do that any more.
I rushed straight here, Headmistress.
Nicholas, I thought better of you.
What have I been saying in assembly about bullying? - He's - No, I don't want to hear your excuses.
Just because Dean is - Short-sighted? - No.
Just because Dean is - Wheat-intolerant? - No.
Just because Dean is - A quarter Belgian? - No.
Just because Dean is Oh, do be quiet, woman.
It's Dean that's the bully.
Dean? Well, what have you been doing? Just Tipp-Ex'd a pair of gloves on his hands.
- Why? - It looked cold outside.
Well, I hope it wasn't school Tipp-Ex.
We're on an economy drive.
Well, I just don't understand.
This is appalling behaviour.
Well, what do you expect from this boy? I told you he had to leave his last school because of bullying.
Yes, but I thought he was the one being bullied.
- Duh! - Nicholas, you can leave now.
- What am I supposed to do about this? - MS BARON: Well, don't worry about it.
It'll flake off in a week or so.
- Thanks.
- And don't touch the door handle.
(DOOR CREAKS) Well, I am shocked.
Now, please, whatever you do, don't sit down.
Expelled for bullying? How many times do you need to be told? Mm, about four or five.
Well, perhaps I should expel you from Greybridge? - Not arsed.
- No.
No, look, please don't expel Dean.
You know how good I am with problem kids.
I can turn him around.
I just need a little bit of one-to-one time.
Well, that sounds like punishment enough.
You can both leave now.
Come on, buddy.
Let's you and me go and have a good old chat.
Is it too late for you to just expel me, or? Where are we taking him? - Lost property cupboard.
- No.
No, no, no.
No, there's no room.
- I've got my home-brew kit in there.
- (SIGHS) Here, quick, quick, quick.
Bend it! - He shouldn't be in here.
- Don't worry.
It's empty.
(DOOR CREAKS) Ah.
Hello, Jo.
Ha.
You'll be, er needing this.
Might want to, er Iock the door next time.
Hm? (DOOR CREAKS) - Right.
Quick, quick, quick.
- It's horrible.
Quickly.
(MR GUNN GRUNTS) - (THUMP) - Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Hubble.
It's not like he can hear you.
- All right? - Oh.
Huh.
Hello, caretaker.
Still asleep, is he? I hate to break this to you, but I have some rather upsetting news.
- He's - He's dead.
Oh.
Oh, no.
He was so young.
Mind you, I did think it was odd, because he'd been asleep in the assembly hall since Friday and that's, what, 48 hours.
No, that would be two days.
Three days is 74 hours.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, it's more like 88.
It's 24 times three, which is Right, look, half of 24 is 12.
One 12 is 12.
Two 12s are - It's quicker if I use a calculator.
- I was nearly there.
- 72.
- Right, so you're wrong, Churchy.
- Well, what did you say? - 88.
- And you? - 48.
- Well, I was the closest.
- Still wrong, though.
Yeah, but least wrong or most right.
So, Mr Hubble has been dead for 72 hours.
Still, at least he put a lovely shine on the floor.
We gave him that pen.
That's a Parker pen, that is.
That is the king of pens.
That's a £10 pen.
That's a nice pen.
Will you show some respect? Yes, both of you.
- So, what are you gonna do with him? - We're not sure.
We don't wanna frighten the kiddies, you see.
Caretaker to the rescue.
I've got just the place.
- There we go.
- Is it all right to put him in there? Yes, the binmen are coming tomorrow.
You can't leave him out for the binmen.
We've got to call a doctor.
There's not much hope for him now, is there? No, you imbecile.
A doctor has got to pronounce him dead.
Well, I can do that.
Well, he's dead.
Shall I call an ambulance? I forget the number.
It's 99 something.
No, no, no.
If the children see an ambulance, it'll all become a circus.
Well, why don't I just get him to the doctor's? Well, how are you gonna do that? Easy, I'll use the company car.
So, thank you so much for helping us with this, Luke.
No diggity.
This is something you call rap therapy? Yeah, rapathy.
- God help us.
- It's a way of channelling anger.
Life sucks, and sometimes you just wanna, um-mm-mmm - All right? mm-mm-mm Yep, thanks.
This one time, my sister Helen, we had an argument, a biggy, and she flushed one of my Mighty Morphin Power Rangers down the toilet, and I was so angry, I just got in the car and I just drove, and I thought about all the ways that I could get rid of this anger.
Kick her in the knee.
Burn all her clothes.
Yank her hair out until she was bald Well, we don't need the whole list.
OK, but instead of doing any of that, I just started rapping.
Rapathy.
Rap-a-thy.
Rapathy.
Rap-athy.
- Shall we just get on with it? - Yeah.
So, er we're just gonna do some freestyling.
I'll start us off, then you, then Deano.
- This guy.
- Big D.
- This fella.
There he is.
- Double D.
- Snoop Doggy D.
- Whoa! It's just Dean.
- (MUSIC PLAYS) - # I'm Deano # When I get angry, I get real mad # It makes me feel like I'll do something bad # But just before I'm about to snap I get on the mic and I do a big rap # Hey! Baron make me angry make me scream and shout # She forgets my name What's that all about? # But instead of punching her repeatedly in the face # I pick up my mic and I rap all over the place! - # Whoa! - # I'm rapping! - # Whoa! - # Oh, yeah! - # Oh! - # I'm rapping.
# (MUSIC PLAYING) Can I be honest? Yeah, rap your truth, brother.
Your rapping is making me want to hit somebody.
(MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) (CHATTERING) Dead? It's three days, which is 72 hours.
Mm, he was stiff as a board, but still clutching that cheap pen.
It was a £160 pen.
So you keep saying.
Enjoying your espresso? This thing here makes frothy milk, so I'm actually having a cappuccino.
- Oh, how wonderful for you! - I was very close to him.
- No, you weren't.
- Yes, I was.
Which is why I'm gonna need the rest of the week off, to get over his untimely passing.
If you were so close to Mr Hubble, what was his first name? Dave.
Pete.
Bazzer.
All right, Baz.
Mohammed.
No.
- It was John.
- Well, I said that already, didn't I? It was very sad for John Hubble.
That was his name, John, and do you know the worst part, Headmistress? What? The school no longer has a Head of Science.
Oh, that didn't take you long, did it? And his body's not even Where is his body? Bugger! (BIRDSONG) - Job done.
- (CROWS CAW) (CHURCH BELL RINGS) MR CHURCH: John Hubble.
That's the name his friends used.
It wasn't Baz or Bazzer.
Or indeed Mohammed.
It was John.
John Hubble died on the very day he celebrated 40 years at Greybridge.
This momentous occasion was commemorated with the gift of a pen - a Parker pen, that both Ryman's and WH Smith sell for the recommended retail price of £9.
99.
Sadly, his heart stopped beating.
Whether it was the excitement of the day or the disappointment at receiving such an unremarkable pen, we'll never know.
He leaves behind not only his father and mother, but he also leaves a hole in the hearts of us all.
But, more importantly, he leaves a vacancy in the role of Head of Science.
Nothing's been announced yet, but Mm! Heh.
Thank thank you.
Thank you, Mr Church.
Thank you.
Please remain seated while the choir sing Amazing Grace.
- Well done for holding it together.
- Thank you.
- OTHERS: # Amazing Grace # - Trevor's taking it very badly, though.
- (CONGREGATION SINGS) - I can't bear to watch this any more.
(FOOTBALL COMMENTARY) - What's the score? - Eh? - What's the score? - It's one-nil.
(CONGREGATION SINGING) Oh.
Sorry I'm late.
Budge up, Churchy.
Oh, hello.
Went to the wrong funeral.
I wondered why everyone was Indian.
Lovely spread, though.
- Onion bhaji? - Oh, no, no, thank you.
And er I'm sorry to say that this row was actually reserved for teaching staff only.
Oh, right.
Well, I know my place.
If you fancy some of those, I'll be at the back.
(CONGREGATION SING) Ah! No! - I now - (MR BARBER MUNCHES) call upon, er Sorry, is someone eating crisps at the back? Don't worry, Vicar.
It's just a poppadom.
(CRUNCHING CONTINUES) And I now call upon Margaret Baron, headmistress at Greybridge School, to lead us in prayer.
GUNN: Get in there! Heh-heh! (FOOTBALL COMMENTARY) Let us pray.
Dear Lord we give thanks for the life of our friend, our colleague John Hubble.
A light has gone out at the school for ever, but we know a light has gone on in heaven.
May you rest in peace.
Amen.
Thank you for those wonderful words, Ms Baron.
(DOOR SLAMS) - (TYRES SCREECH OUTSIDE) - Ms Baron? Now let us all sing the hymn Abide With Me.
# Abide with me - # Fast falls the eventide # - Stop it.
Ow! Stop it.
The darkness deepens - I said stop it.
- Dean, stop it.
Miss, I'm just making sure he keeps in time.
Dean, what have we been talking about all week? That you should really use a ruler when you're cutting your own fringe? I've had just about enough of you.
You are a bully! Do you hear me? A bully.
And people like you shouldn't be allowed to come to school! (PEOPLE GASP) Poor disabled boy.
What? No.
No, no.
I wasn't I wasn't I wasn't talking about him being I'm not saying because he's you know.
I'm talking about him being Miss, please don't attack an unfortunate boy like myself.
- Dean! - In the house of our Lord and Saviour.
MISS POSTERN: Oh, for God's sake! Have you quite finished? Yeah.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Just so you know, though, he was actually being I don't want to hear it.
If you hadn't noticed, this is a funeral.
I had noticed.
Coffin, flowers, bit of a giveaway.
There's no need to answer back.
No, there's no need to answer back.
So, mm.
- Do you want me to send you out? - Nope.
- You sure? - Yep.
So, not another word out of you.
Not a problem.
Now, before we commit Just so you know, he was actually being Get out.
- What? - Get out.
- You are joking? - I'm not joking.
Get out.
(PUTS DOWN PRAYERS) I don't even care.
Mm.
I don't care.
Yeah, I don't care.
- Can I just stand here? - All the way out.
It's a rubbish church! Now, before we commit John Hubble's body to the ground, let us remember him with his favourite piece of music sung by his beloved lab technician Jo.
Ready, Jo? # Ave Maria # Gratia plena # Maria # Gratia plena # Maria # Gratia plena # Ave # Ave dominus Dominus tecum.
- (BIRDSONG) - (CROWS CAW) For me, the most moving part was Jo singing Ave Maria.
I think you'd left by then.
You haven't really come here to talk about Mr Hubble's funeral, have you? Yes, yes, I I have.
Well, thank you very much, Mr Church.
It's been wonderful talking to you.
Goodbye.
(PHONE RINGS) - Oh, there was just one other thing.
- Here we go.
It's about the now sadly vacant position of Head of Science.
This is getting really tiresome.
Why does it matter so much to you, Mr Church? I just feel, if I was made head of department, I could really inspire the next generation of chemists, plus you get to sit at a special table at lunch.
Well, you'll be glad to hear I'll be making an announcement at this morning's assembly.
Oh.
It's wrong to ask who's got the top job, but should I prepare a speech, or? All will be clear in assembly, Mr Church.
Obviously I won't be making any more insinuations about the espresso machine.
Well, why would you? Exactly.
- Quick yes or no? - No.
Sorry.
Is that a no? Or a no to the '"Yes or no'"? Yes.
Right.
Is that a yes? Or a yes, the no to the '"yes or no'"? Sorry, can we just go back to the beginning? (COFFEE MAKER ON) - (WHIRRING STOPS) - It would just be helpful (COFFEE MAKER WHIRS) (COFFEE MAKER STOPS) And if anyone has any concerns, anything at all, don't bring them to me.
- Well, I hope you get it.
- Get what? Head of Science.
Oh, I hadn't really been thinking about it.
MS BARON: And after much consideration, I can announce that the new Head of Science is Mr Church.
- (OTHERS APPLAUD) - Oh! Thank you, Headmistress! Thank you, everybody.
Wow! Wow! Wow! Just like to, er say a few words.
There isn't time, Mr Church.
And as of Monday, to save money, we're having a complete staff restructure and I'm scrapping all heads of department.
That'll be all.
(LOW CHATTER) (MR GUNN LAUGHS) Nice one, Churchy.
Head of Science for one whole day.
You're forgetting it's the weekend tomorrow, so it's actually three days.
MR GUNN: School ain't open at the weekend.
Yeah, it's still three days off.
72 hours.
I've had dumps last longer than that.
I'm sorry, Keith.
It's fine, Sarah.
It's really fine.
Don't let it get you down.
I won't.
I was wondering if, er the new Head of Science would care to join a lowly French teacher for a celebratory lunch in the school's canteen today? Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha! He would absolutely love to.
Great, I'll see you at one.
Actually, I should really sit at the special table with the other heads of department.
- Have you been sleeping in my classroom? - Like a dirty vagrant? MISS POSTERN: All Gareth needs is a place to sleep.
This is my bedroom, or, as I call it, Shag Central.
So lovely you're staying with us.
You know, Trevor never introduces me to any of his friends.
MR BARBER: Don't worry, Trevor.
I'm not gonna go into all the ins and outs of what I got up to with your mother.
That's my mum you're talking about.
She only ever done it once and that was to have me.
Thank you for letting me share your classroom.
We're finally moving in together.
Yes, but just into a classroom.
No idea, Headmistress! He is unbelievably selfish Shut up! Why don't the two of you just go off and have some angry sex? I was thinking I could just change classrooms.
Mm, we should consider all the options.
When I think about the days there is something of a haze about it No, we're not the same But let's not break the chain We should play this game together.