Big Shots (2007) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
No, no, the insider trading charges were dropped.
- Very expensive lawyer.
- She was a wonderful nanny until she was deported.
Whoa! Do you think they're gonna hear us? Only if we keep doing it right.
What? I forgot to tell you -- you need to speak to cameron.
She dropped out of school last week.
If we did it like this when we were married, we might still be married.
Or just very, very tired.
Duncan Collinsworth Ceo Reveal Cosmetics Geez.
Anybody ever told you about seconds? Hey, huge, here's a little tip for you -- next time, two trips.
Think of the second one as cardio.
- Hector.
- Mr.
Brody.
Where's the shrimp? I'm sorry, mr.
Brody.
We're out of shrimps.
What do you mean you're out of the shrimp? People wait a whole year for this shrimp.
- Yes, but -- - no, no, no.
What are you telling me? That the dish I wait 12 mohs for is no longer available because "the human planet" over there decided to build the mayan pyramids out of shellfish.
The shrimps -- they're for your wife, mr.
Brody? Can you hook a brother up? There may be some left in the lower kitchen.
I'll run it down to the pool at once.
You are the man, hector.
Hey, babe.
Your shrimp are on the way.
If you're happy, I'm happy.
Brody Johns Founder Alpha Crisis Management I'm sorry, sweetie, but I told you -- after the barbecue I need to get right to the office.
No, it's a crisis.
Distribution mixed up our shipments of viagra and chewable vitamins.
Yeah, boys all through the midwest are getting spontaneous erections.
So, don't wait up, okay? French toast for breakfast sounds great.
Of course I love your frenctoast.
You know I'm always honest with you.
Okay, bye.
God, this is the first and last time I'm having an affair.
Karl Mixworthy CEO Devotion Pharmaceuticals Your wife's a very lucky woman, sir.
James.
- Thanks for meeting me.
- My pleasure.
So, tell me -- how long have you been a member of firmwood? Since my christmas bonus.
Thank you for that, by the way I hope it won't be awkward running into eh other here.
Why would it be awkward? We see each other at the office every day.
Because I'm letting you go.
What? And the board? The board doesn't know yet.
Nobody does.
But when I present my reorganization plan tomorrow, they won't have any choice.
You'll land on your feet, James.
That's why I hired you in the first place.
Oh since you're new here, make sure you try the shrimp.
It's one of life's true pleasures.
James Walker Golden Boy Amerimart Industries Soon-to-be-Former Golden Boy Amerimart Industries There you are.
Hey.
Hey, the kids were looking for you.
Come here.
It's good to see you.
- Everything okay? - Yeah, yeah.
What did he want? Oh, you know, just -- just work stuff.
Work stuff? Today? Yeah, you know, quarterly reports.
S.
E.
C.
Poking around.
The usual.
Listen, I'm gonna go find the guys.
I'll meet you and the kids for s'mores later, okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
That dress still kills me, you know.
Rapido! Rapido! Where's the shrimp?! Rapido! Es para la esposa de Mr.
Brody! He fired you? No one knows yet.
It won't be official till tomorrow.
He's threatened by you.
It's obvious.
You're younger, better-looking, and, worst of all, you got a hotter wife.
Hey, absolutely -- hot-wife envy.
Every time mrs.
C.
E.
O.
Stepped out of that show, you were one step closer to the unemployment line.
Things change.
When lisbeth and i were married, she couldn't have been less interested in sex.
But now that we're both single again -- mmm, mommy.
Can't keep our hands off each other.
Maybe you should remarry her.
Yeah, right.
Then sex in the wine cellar becomes "don't touch me.
I'm exfoliating.
" And what's wrong with you? He feels guilty.
That's right.
Because I'm cheating on the saint who plans my breakfasts in advance.
Well, it could be worse.
You could be spending your days begging grown men for shlfish.
Hey! Rapido! That can't be good.
Help! - My boss.
- My shrimp! What happened? I took a shortcut to keep the shrimps cold.
- He came out of nowhere.
- Call 911.
I'm sure he'll be fine.
You can forget 911.
I think things are suddenly looking up for you, huh, james? Hell of a barbecue.
Proudly Presents Big Shots Season 1 Episode 1 Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, susan.
- Mr.
Walker.
Death by golf cart.
I thought the old man was gonna outlive us all.
Well, make yourself at home, by the way.
Hey, I'm an exec V.
P.
, Too.
How come I don't get a swivel chair in my office? Probably 'cause the company finds me more valuable than you.
Come on.
We're late for our friends upstairs.
Rumor is that the frontrunner for the C.
E.
O.
Job is that jerk from G.
E.
That hit on me at the sun valley conference.
Wait a minute.
Didn't you sleep with that guy? I said he was a jerk, not that he wasn't hot.
I mean, I must sound like a cliche but sometimes I wonder if karl is seeing someone else.
- Are you, karl? - Yes.
My staff of 1,200 employees who counon me each and every day.
And we barely do anything together anymore.
Last week I asked karl to go to the movies -- to see "the nanny diaries.
" He said he had to work.
On a sunday.
I run a billion-dollar pharmaceutical conglomerate.
People need antidepressants on the weekends, too.
Sometimes I just wish he could look at me like he used to.
Karl, as a gesture to wendy, could you find the time to take her to the movies? I think this would be a small but important step in repairing this marriage.
Marla: I miss your penis.
Karl, could you? - Karl! - Yes.
Sorry.
I forgot to switch off my penis -- I mean phone.
No significant accomplishments? You're being too modest.
You've branded reveal as the industry leader in personal grooming.
Oh, that.
And I'll be honest -- I won't leave the house without first applying your toner and blush.
Well, I'll be honest -- it's working.
That should about do it.
If all goes well, you'll be entrepreneur's cover boy in november.
But I do have one last question.
I'm an open book.
Do you spend much time in yonkers? Yonkers? - I don't understand.
- You see, there are rumors -- rumors that might interest your shareholders.
And what kind of journalist would I be if I didn't ask? I can assure you I haven't been to yonkers in - 20 years.
- That's what I thought.
In any case, since your profile doesn't go to press for another six weeks, I'll have plenty of time to look into those rumors.
Good day, duncan.
Sorry.
What end of the club are you using, man? Sorry, sorry.
My instructor says sometimes I break my wrist too soon.
No, tiger woods sometimes breaks his wrist too soon.
You just suck.
So, not only am I still employed, they've decided to promote from within.
They're interviewing every upper-level exec for the C.
E.
O.
'S job, including myself.
Well, enough about you.
I got real problems.
Lady macbeth wants me to throw her a birthday party at the club next week.
so? She wants me to plan it to show how much I care about her.
I said, "sweetheart, I did not go to harvard business school to study party planning.
" - You said that? - No.
That woman tolerates no dissent.
It's like being married to dick cheney.
- You're late.
- I got trouble.
Wait, I thought you said you were arrested for a D.
W.
I.
No, no.
That was just my cover for why I needed bail money.
You lied to us.
Karl, we're men.
When it comes to sex, money, or a criminal proceeding, we're allowed to lie.
So, what happened in yonkers? I was coming home from a hunting trip.
- You don't hunt.
- Fine.
I was antiquing.
Can we just stick to the subject here? I was getting tired, so I pulled into a truck stop for some coffee to keep me awake for the drive home.
There was a woman there.
Dark, beautiful, sexy as hell.
She smiled at me, and we began to talk a little.
Don't tell me -- she was a pro.
I was lonely.
One thing led to another, and before I knew it, we we in the men's-room stall for a little business transaction.
Why do I feel dirty? But in the midstof our transaction a state trooper stumbled in.
Arrested us both.
So, you got pinched for solication? It's not something you want on the resume - but it could have been a lot worse.
- Let me finish.
This dark, beautiful woman -- well, she was full of surprises.
Unfortunately her penis was one of them.
You got a knobber from a tranny? How do you think I felt? Every inch of her was woman.
She looked like a model.
Unfortunately, she was modeling penises.
That's very supportive.
It's just personal preference.
When it comes to women, I'm not a penis man.
Guys, let's just focus for a second.
If this journalist gets corroboration, it could cost duncan his job.
You've come to the right guy.
This is what crisis management is all about.
First year of law school -- if there's no corroborating witness, then it's all hearsay until they get ahold of the tranny.
Exactly.
You just got to find a way to keep her -- or him -- quiet, and you're home free.
The reporter cannot touch you.
Track down the tranny.
Track down the tranny.
You all right? This is the place I reserved for janelle's party this weekend.
If she smells formaldehyde, I'm a dead man.
Mrs.
Storrs, I'm james walker from amerimart.
- I'm very sorry for your loss.
- That makes one of us.
Uh, I believe this belongs to you.
It was left behind at the scene.
Apparently my husband found someone more deserving than me.
Excuse me.
- Hey.
- Hey.
so it's But the necklace -- not for the loyal wife.
For the other woman.
Probably gave it to her before he died.
- Son of a bitch.
- I know.
Guy's worth $40 million and not even a sniff in my direction.
Is she okay? Yeah.
You know stacey.
She takes things hard.
When our springer spaniel died, she was a mess for are you okay? James? You all right? James? Hey, james.
Dunc.
Nice wake.
But let's be honest -- cash bar? Oh, tacky.
You okay? Yeah.
Yeah.
Just got a call from an old friend of mine.
He thinks his wife might be having an affair.
Rite of passage for men.
Loss of virginity.
First threesome.
Discovery of the cheating wife.
The trifecta.
- You, too? - My second wife, after lisbeth.
Of course, I encouraged her to do it.
Spice things up a little.
Your friend -- how's he doing? Just trying to breathe.
Well, I better run.
I'm off to break bread with a woman who hates me.
- Your ex? - No, my daughter.
Vodka tonic.
That's your third, you know.
I didn't know you were keeping score.
I didn't know you had to get loaded to face your daughter.
You should try facing her.
You'd get loaded, too.
Look, I appreciate the cobb salad, duncan, but I told you -- I'm not going back to school.
I mean, your life turned out fine without a degree.
Professionally, at least.
Dad, okay? Call me "dad," please.
Dad was the guy who raised me since I was 8 and died of a stroke last year.
You're biology, duncan.
That's it.
And you don't need to worry about me, okay? I'm bright.
I gi good meeting.
- I'll find a decent job.
- Really? What's the market out there for overentitled 19-year-olds with smart mouths? You know, this has been fun in a really not-fun kind of way.
Do me a favoR.
The next time you want to pass judgment, send an e-mail.
So you can reduce me to dna? God forbid I should open my mouth to you.
Sit down.
Whatever you think of me, I'm still your father.
Fine.
You want to act like my father? Step up to the plate.
Prove it.
How? Give me a job.
I -- i think I should get you in touch with my trademarks department.
There are some things you just did we might want to get a patent on.
I'm glad I make you happy.
You deserve it.
Can I ask you a question, karl? You and your wife do you still sleep together? No.
No, I told you -- not in months.
D to be honest -- ooh! After being with you, I'm not even sure we were doing it right to begin with.
But you still do other things with her, right? And I love you so much, I want to do those things with you, too.
To tell you the truth, the only thing we do together anymore is couples therapy two mornings a week.
- Couples therapy? - Yeah.
Then that's what I want to do with you.
But we're not even married.
Plus we get along great.
We don't need couples therapy.
Oh.
I see how this works.
I do things to you that you've fantasized about since junior high school, but the second I ask for one tiny thing let me ask you -- how are you gonna like having to call your wife the next time you feel horny, karl? I'm not afraid of the hard work, doctor.
- Uh, mr.
Mixworthy? - Yeah? A word.
- This is highly unorthodox.
- Look at her, doctor.
She's an interior designer by trade, but you know what her real skill is? Making a short, insecure, lactose-intolerant man feel like a porn star.
- That's very touching -- - I'll double your fee.
Done.
My contractor's bleeding me dry.
No.
No, sweetie.
It's no problem.
Okay.
I love you, too.
Bye, hon.
I have an mba, I drive an s-class, and I run a 6-minute mile.
And you know how she judges me as a man? If I can get her favorite dessert here from a little cafe on the left bank in time for her party this weekend.
Till death do you part.
Sometimes it just sounds like a threat, doesn't it? How am I gonna get 500 napoleons here by this saturday? This is it.
Classy spot.
Oh, yeah.
I can see how the vending machines would really put a guy in the mood.
So, is she gonna be here? She told me this was her regular spot and her pimp just promoted he she got promoted to this? Boy, she must have kicked ass at the slaughterhouse.
By the way, you never told me her name.
Dontrelle.
You hooked up with someone named dontrelle and for a second didn't think that might be a dude? That sounds like the middle linebacker.
I told you it was dark.
'Cause dontrelle went 6'4", 320, and blocked out the sun.
Hold on.
Hold on.
There's someone.
- Hey.
- Hey, yourself.
You boys looking for a good time? No.
I'm married.
I'm done with good times.
Actually, we're looking for dontrelle.
Dontrelle don't work exit 47 no more.
Another promotion, perhaps.
Do you know where I could find him -- uh, her? Sorry.
Can't help you.
I might be able to track dontrelle down through this old john I know.
Tell her to call me at this number, and tell her it's really, really important.
She was that good, huh? Let's just say when it comes to sex she's the man.
Hey.
Kids are asleep.
Florie said that they were angels.
Well, you know, I'm kind of tired.
So I think I'm gonna go up, too, okay? First time I saw you -- freshman year at madison, econ 101.
Yeah.
What's this about? You walked in.
I was already there, of course, because I was 15 minutes early everywhere freshman year.
And I thought to myself, "if I could just sit across from that girl "and have a cup of coffee, my life would be perfect.
" Well, you got more than a cup of coffee.
I know.
But my life isn't perfect.
Hey, what's wrong?What -- what's going on?Are you nervous about the interview tomorrow? No, I was just thinking about that first time I saw you and wondering if my boss felt the same way the first time he sawou.
Wh-- what are you talking about? You were sleeping with him.
The necklace you had yesterday -- he gave it to you before he died, didn't he? Jamey don't talk to me like you love me.
Just answer me.
- I do love you.
- Answer me.
Were you having an affair with him? And I'll respect you a hell of a lot more if you tell me the truth.
Yes.
Yes.
At least you can't say I'm a liar.
No, I am.
Because I don't respect you one bit.
James, james, wait.
Let's talk about this.
- Don't walk out on me.
- I may be leaving but I'm not the one who walked out.
James, wait! James! James! James, don't go! Market share is up.
The fall campaign has cemented our brand recognition.
We are the darlings of wall street.
Sir, aren't you worried about hurting someone? Nonsense.
Adam has it taken care of.
Hey, moron! Sorry! Sorry.
Even in success, reveal must be a leader, not a follower.
You know by the year 2015, the most rapidly expanding population group will be women over 60? Why not make them feel beautiful, too? Why shouldn't women in nursing homes have access to the best foundation and base available? Why not market a line of hair products specifically for wigs? Really? 'Cause, actually the way to reach seniors is to appeal to the girl in them, - not the old woman.
- Excuse me? Come on, duncan.
Everybody knows women don't like to think of themselves as old.
The exception being your last three teenage girlfriends, of course.
I give you a job, I give you responsibility.
- Yeah, to get non-fat lattes.
- That's not the point.
Do you know what a 19-year-old girl would do for an opportunity like this? No, but I have a feeling you do.
Do you want this job, cam? Cam? - Yeah.
- Then you need to zip it and prove that you belong here.
How? You'll see.
I want this place in shape by monday morning or -- or what? I guess you'll find that out monday morning.
Beautiful.
I need to end it with marla.
We have nothing in common.
The only books she reads are about the differences between good carbs and bad.
So end it.
What's the problem? How do you break up with a woman who wears underwear like this? Mr.
Walker? They're ready for you now.
as you know Has led us to search for his successor.
Do you find tragic deaths amusing, mr.
Walker? No, not usually.
But this one -- maybe a little bit.
Thank you for your time, mr.
Walker, but we have other candidates waiting.
- Serious candidates.
- Done already, huh? Okay.
I guess I'm not Just -- just one thing.
This company is in trouble, and walter storrs knew that when he died.
Amerimart has been an industry leer for nearly half a century.
Hey, look, you might not think that amerimart will ever falter.
I'm here to tell you that one day you might wake up and realize that while you slept, the ground shifted, and everything you thought was so firm and so solid -- guess what -- it's not anymore.
The world is changing so much faster than we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Right now, somewhere in a garage, two kids are inventing something that's gonna put us out of business one day.
We shouldn't be ignoring these kids.
We should be hiring them.
Because you know what they'll call us if we don't? Available office space.
Now, I'm sure your dream candidates all have perfect resume, unblemished lives, and have succeeded at everything they've ever done.
But if I were you, I'd hire someone who knows what it feels like to lose something, because he will never let that happen again.
And now I'll let you get back to your serious candidates.
I wish I hadn't eaten all that bread at lunch.
Nothing worse than bad carbs.
marlA if I may we've had quite an adventure, you and I, but like every great adventure, - there comes a time when you -- - damn.
I forgot to go to a cash machine.
Can you lend me $20 for a cab? Pants pocket.
Like I was saying, everything has its time and place, - but ultimately, you discover -- - you saw "the nanny diaries"? Wendy was dying to see it.
But you said -- hmm.
You said you don't spend time together anymore.
We don'T.
The couples therapist thought it would be a good idea.
But back to what I was trying to establish -- don't I feel like a fool! You had me convinced that you and your wife were practically strangers! We are! Well, I don't go to the movies with strangers, karl.
Do you? I mean, what kind of man would be so deceitful as to lie to the woman he's cheating on his wife with? Marla! I bet wendy would like to know what her loving husband is up to when he's not at home.
What are you saying? You're gonna tell r about us? Not everything.
Just the part about the sex and the hotel rooms.
Marla, wait.
Cupcake! Sweetheart! Marla, hey! Marla! Marla, wait! Marla!Let's discuss this in couples therapy! Come on, karl.
The mistress never tells.
Just buy her something nice, like some jewelry or a low-carb bar.
I was seconds from ending it, and now I mean, wendy and i may have grown apart lately, but the thought of losing her you know what's so funny? You're so worried about losing her.
What makes you think you haven't lost her already? What's he talking about? How do you know she's not spending her afternoons in a hotel room, too, lying in bed with your contractor, having the same conversations about you? Wendy hates our contractor.
He was completely unreliable.
What's wrong, james? Stacey was having an affair with my boss.
- I don't know what to say.
- Well, I do.
That sucks.
I'd offer to take him out myself if hector hadn't already done it for us.
Okay.
All this genuine emotion is making me a little uneasy.
That's it.
Look at us.
I mean, we're supposed to be these alpha males, right? But now james' wife is sleeping around on him, karl can't control his crazy mistress, and I'm so whipped, I can't tell my wife that the delivery company can't seem to find her shipment of napoleons.
Men we're the new women.
What fresh hell? Give me good news.
What do you mean they're in tampa? Well, how does that help me? Guys, I have pastry issues.
I'll see you guys later.
What do you mean the cream filling won't clear customs? It's a dessert, not an explosive.
I always said brody had a real napoleon complex.
Yeah, I should go, too.
See if wendy's hadthe accounts frozen.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Thank you.
Keep the change.
Hi.
Can I help you? Actually maybe I can help you.
You say you first met him a month ago? Karl.
I can't believe you.
To keep this from me -- all I can say is I'm shocked.
Right.
About that -- why didn't you tell me you hired a decorator? Marla and I were just discussing ideas for the guesthouse.
Oh.
Good.
The guesthouse.
It's so unlike karl to take an interest in decorating.
Oh, isn't it amazing to be married to a man for all these years and not have the faintest idea who he is? Duncan, what are you doing here? My date is gonna be here any minute.
I need to talk to you about cameron.
She's headstrong, belligerent.
You can't tell her anything she doesn't already know.
You should be happy -- proof that she's yours.
- Vodka tonic.
- To go.
I just don't think it's gonna work out with cam.
Well, she'll be disappointed, but it won't be the first time.
What's thatsupposed to mean? She's angry at you, duncan -- not that she can admit it, but she is.
Angry?I've given her everything she ever asked for.
But did you ever notice that after she turned 12, she stopped asking? Look, you may not have been the greatest father to date, but you're a good man.
And the best thing about being a father -- every day is a chance to do better.
marry Prettier.
You never stopped long enough to notice.
Your date -- if it gets serious, no more wine cellars for us.
That's right, duncan.
So I don't have to obsess.
You know, if we ever did get back together, you'd lose interest in me completely.
- Try me.
- Maybe.
Just not tonight.
What the hell's going on? I didn't tell her about us, if that's what you mean.
Then what are you doing here? Well, I came here to tell her, but then I realized wendy's not the one I want to hurt.
And then we got to talking,and you know what? We kind of hit it off.
You -- you hit it off with my wife? She's smart and sweet and so funny.
Funny? Wendy's funny? Karl, how you can not appreciate her is beyond me.
She's a gem.
I have half a mind to fix her up with my trainer.
Here you go, hon.
Sorry if it's a little strong.
Perfect.
I just need a couple more.
I never liked her, you know.
Even when I said I did, I didn'T.
But, of course, if you decide to take her back, I'll deny ever saying that.
Who told you? Not you.
I had to find out the old-fashioned way.
Ah, office gossip.
Well, what are they saying? The men hate her, and the women are trying to figure out when you'll be ready to date.
You know, the heart is a complex little muscle.
But you're a great guy, and there are a lot of women out there that can see that, even if your wife can'T.
You sure you're ? They called.
Before you came in.
Who called? The board.
I've just been named C.
E.
O.
Of amerimart.
- You're kidding.
- No.
They said they wanted new blood, new direction.
You're not kidding.
Congratulations, james.
Thanks.
Guess I'd better go.
I'm late for a conference call.
Don't want to get off on the wrong foot with the new boss.
These women that think I'm such a good guy -- do I know any of them? Just the one that's gonna take your job if you screw it up.
Bye, boss.
can I help you? I'm looking for duncan collinsworth.
Do you know him? As a matter of fact, I do.
unbelievable.
My wife finally makes a friend, and it's my mistress.
What are the odds? Well, at least you have something to talk about in couples therapy.
Oh - hi! - Boy.
duncan, there's someone I think you'd like to speak with.
Hi, sweetie.
Just smile.
hey, janelle's thrilled.
She's having a great time.
This makes you happy, doesn't it? Yeah, I know I bitch.
But, you know, she's got this other side, and I know you don't see it.
I don't see it as much as I should.
But we just fit, you know? Yeah, I know.
I see the napoleons made it? Nope, theye in tampa.
Found a little place in new jersey -- boom.
Knocked them out in two hours.
- Janelle never knew the difference.
- Nice.
So, remember if that reporter asks any questions, you never met me.
For a grand, I can forget almost anything.
Perfect.
- Am I gonna be invited back? - Oh, absolutely.
Guys.
This is dontrelle.
- Dontrelle, the guys.
- They're cute.
- They know you're packing.
- Worth a shot.
Come on.
Bye.
Wow.
James.
I'm not asking you not to be angry at me, okay? Then what are you asking me? If you're ever gonna be able to stop.
When I was promoted yesterday, you know what I thought? I thought how I wished I could call you just to hear your voice.
And at the company dinner, how you should have been right beside me, wearing your little black dress.
That was the day I'd been dreaming of since business school, and all I could think of was what I'd lost.
It doesn't have to be that way, james.
Why don't you just come home? No.
I can'T.
C.
E.
O.
Of amerimart.
World's most eligible bachelor, huh? That's not what I wanted for myself.
Not since econ01.
Bye.
Bye-bye, sweetie.
- Good night.
- Bye.
You and dontrelle are not just old squash partners, right? Don't tell your mom, okay? You know, duncan, we're more alike than I thought.
We both have trouble getting out of our own ways.
Are you gonna stop embarrassing me at work? Probably not.
- Are you gonna stop judging me? - Not likely.
At least we know where we stand.
Good night, duncan.
- I'll see you monday.
- Hey you can call me "dad," you know.
I know.
Good night, duncan.
Baby steps.
all right, ladies, my turn.
A toast to my new best friend marla.
One.
Just one for me.
The one over there with the cute little forked What are you guys talking about? The number of women in our lives that drive us absolutely crazy.
Two for me.
God help me.
I'm with brody.
One.
yeah.
Ask him again in six months.
What about you, dunc? - 2 1/2.
- 2 1/2? There's lisbh, obviously.
Cameron, of course.
And I think dontrelle's worth a half, don't you? To dontrelle.
- Dontrelle.
- Dontrelle.
he seemed like such a nice guy.
I don't know why you needed me to tape him.
Because a thousand words paint a very nice picture.
Great party.
16-piece band.
Janelle said it was the best birthday she has ever had.
Gentlemen, I may actually have a shot with my own wife tonight.
Just in case, I still have dontrelle's number.
E-mail me.
Proudly Presents Big Shots Season 1 Episode 1
- Very expensive lawyer.
- She was a wonderful nanny until she was deported.
Whoa! Do you think they're gonna hear us? Only if we keep doing it right.
What? I forgot to tell you -- you need to speak to cameron.
She dropped out of school last week.
If we did it like this when we were married, we might still be married.
Or just very, very tired.
Duncan Collinsworth Ceo Reveal Cosmetics Geez.
Anybody ever told you about seconds? Hey, huge, here's a little tip for you -- next time, two trips.
Think of the second one as cardio.
- Hector.
- Mr.
Brody.
Where's the shrimp? I'm sorry, mr.
Brody.
We're out of shrimps.
What do you mean you're out of the shrimp? People wait a whole year for this shrimp.
- Yes, but -- - no, no, no.
What are you telling me? That the dish I wait 12 mohs for is no longer available because "the human planet" over there decided to build the mayan pyramids out of shellfish.
The shrimps -- they're for your wife, mr.
Brody? Can you hook a brother up? There may be some left in the lower kitchen.
I'll run it down to the pool at once.
You are the man, hector.
Hey, babe.
Your shrimp are on the way.
If you're happy, I'm happy.
Brody Johns Founder Alpha Crisis Management I'm sorry, sweetie, but I told you -- after the barbecue I need to get right to the office.
No, it's a crisis.
Distribution mixed up our shipments of viagra and chewable vitamins.
Yeah, boys all through the midwest are getting spontaneous erections.
So, don't wait up, okay? French toast for breakfast sounds great.
Of course I love your frenctoast.
You know I'm always honest with you.
Okay, bye.
God, this is the first and last time I'm having an affair.
Karl Mixworthy CEO Devotion Pharmaceuticals Your wife's a very lucky woman, sir.
James.
- Thanks for meeting me.
- My pleasure.
So, tell me -- how long have you been a member of firmwood? Since my christmas bonus.
Thank you for that, by the way I hope it won't be awkward running into eh other here.
Why would it be awkward? We see each other at the office every day.
Because I'm letting you go.
What? And the board? The board doesn't know yet.
Nobody does.
But when I present my reorganization plan tomorrow, they won't have any choice.
You'll land on your feet, James.
That's why I hired you in the first place.
Oh since you're new here, make sure you try the shrimp.
It's one of life's true pleasures.
James Walker Golden Boy Amerimart Industries Soon-to-be-Former Golden Boy Amerimart Industries There you are.
Hey.
Hey, the kids were looking for you.
Come here.
It's good to see you.
- Everything okay? - Yeah, yeah.
What did he want? Oh, you know, just -- just work stuff.
Work stuff? Today? Yeah, you know, quarterly reports.
S.
E.
C.
Poking around.
The usual.
Listen, I'm gonna go find the guys.
I'll meet you and the kids for s'mores later, okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
That dress still kills me, you know.
Rapido! Rapido! Where's the shrimp?! Rapido! Es para la esposa de Mr.
Brody! He fired you? No one knows yet.
It won't be official till tomorrow.
He's threatened by you.
It's obvious.
You're younger, better-looking, and, worst of all, you got a hotter wife.
Hey, absolutely -- hot-wife envy.
Every time mrs.
C.
E.
O.
Stepped out of that show, you were one step closer to the unemployment line.
Things change.
When lisbeth and i were married, she couldn't have been less interested in sex.
But now that we're both single again -- mmm, mommy.
Can't keep our hands off each other.
Maybe you should remarry her.
Yeah, right.
Then sex in the wine cellar becomes "don't touch me.
I'm exfoliating.
" And what's wrong with you? He feels guilty.
That's right.
Because I'm cheating on the saint who plans my breakfasts in advance.
Well, it could be worse.
You could be spending your days begging grown men for shlfish.
Hey! Rapido! That can't be good.
Help! - My boss.
- My shrimp! What happened? I took a shortcut to keep the shrimps cold.
- He came out of nowhere.
- Call 911.
I'm sure he'll be fine.
You can forget 911.
I think things are suddenly looking up for you, huh, james? Hell of a barbecue.
Proudly Presents Big Shots Season 1 Episode 1 Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, susan.
- Mr.
Walker.
Death by golf cart.
I thought the old man was gonna outlive us all.
Well, make yourself at home, by the way.
Hey, I'm an exec V.
P.
, Too.
How come I don't get a swivel chair in my office? Probably 'cause the company finds me more valuable than you.
Come on.
We're late for our friends upstairs.
Rumor is that the frontrunner for the C.
E.
O.
Job is that jerk from G.
E.
That hit on me at the sun valley conference.
Wait a minute.
Didn't you sleep with that guy? I said he was a jerk, not that he wasn't hot.
I mean, I must sound like a cliche but sometimes I wonder if karl is seeing someone else.
- Are you, karl? - Yes.
My staff of 1,200 employees who counon me each and every day.
And we barely do anything together anymore.
Last week I asked karl to go to the movies -- to see "the nanny diaries.
" He said he had to work.
On a sunday.
I run a billion-dollar pharmaceutical conglomerate.
People need antidepressants on the weekends, too.
Sometimes I just wish he could look at me like he used to.
Karl, as a gesture to wendy, could you find the time to take her to the movies? I think this would be a small but important step in repairing this marriage.
Marla: I miss your penis.
Karl, could you? - Karl! - Yes.
Sorry.
I forgot to switch off my penis -- I mean phone.
No significant accomplishments? You're being too modest.
You've branded reveal as the industry leader in personal grooming.
Oh, that.
And I'll be honest -- I won't leave the house without first applying your toner and blush.
Well, I'll be honest -- it's working.
That should about do it.
If all goes well, you'll be entrepreneur's cover boy in november.
But I do have one last question.
I'm an open book.
Do you spend much time in yonkers? Yonkers? - I don't understand.
- You see, there are rumors -- rumors that might interest your shareholders.
And what kind of journalist would I be if I didn't ask? I can assure you I haven't been to yonkers in - 20 years.
- That's what I thought.
In any case, since your profile doesn't go to press for another six weeks, I'll have plenty of time to look into those rumors.
Good day, duncan.
Sorry.
What end of the club are you using, man? Sorry, sorry.
My instructor says sometimes I break my wrist too soon.
No, tiger woods sometimes breaks his wrist too soon.
You just suck.
So, not only am I still employed, they've decided to promote from within.
They're interviewing every upper-level exec for the C.
E.
O.
'S job, including myself.
Well, enough about you.
I got real problems.
Lady macbeth wants me to throw her a birthday party at the club next week.
so? She wants me to plan it to show how much I care about her.
I said, "sweetheart, I did not go to harvard business school to study party planning.
" - You said that? - No.
That woman tolerates no dissent.
It's like being married to dick cheney.
- You're late.
- I got trouble.
Wait, I thought you said you were arrested for a D.
W.
I.
No, no.
That was just my cover for why I needed bail money.
You lied to us.
Karl, we're men.
When it comes to sex, money, or a criminal proceeding, we're allowed to lie.
So, what happened in yonkers? I was coming home from a hunting trip.
- You don't hunt.
- Fine.
I was antiquing.
Can we just stick to the subject here? I was getting tired, so I pulled into a truck stop for some coffee to keep me awake for the drive home.
There was a woman there.
Dark, beautiful, sexy as hell.
She smiled at me, and we began to talk a little.
Don't tell me -- she was a pro.
I was lonely.
One thing led to another, and before I knew it, we we in the men's-room stall for a little business transaction.
Why do I feel dirty? But in the midstof our transaction a state trooper stumbled in.
Arrested us both.
So, you got pinched for solication? It's not something you want on the resume - but it could have been a lot worse.
- Let me finish.
This dark, beautiful woman -- well, she was full of surprises.
Unfortunately her penis was one of them.
You got a knobber from a tranny? How do you think I felt? Every inch of her was woman.
She looked like a model.
Unfortunately, she was modeling penises.
That's very supportive.
It's just personal preference.
When it comes to women, I'm not a penis man.
Guys, let's just focus for a second.
If this journalist gets corroboration, it could cost duncan his job.
You've come to the right guy.
This is what crisis management is all about.
First year of law school -- if there's no corroborating witness, then it's all hearsay until they get ahold of the tranny.
Exactly.
You just got to find a way to keep her -- or him -- quiet, and you're home free.
The reporter cannot touch you.
Track down the tranny.
Track down the tranny.
You all right? This is the place I reserved for janelle's party this weekend.
If she smells formaldehyde, I'm a dead man.
Mrs.
Storrs, I'm james walker from amerimart.
- I'm very sorry for your loss.
- That makes one of us.
Uh, I believe this belongs to you.
It was left behind at the scene.
Apparently my husband found someone more deserving than me.
Excuse me.
- Hey.
- Hey.
so it's But the necklace -- not for the loyal wife.
For the other woman.
Probably gave it to her before he died.
- Son of a bitch.
- I know.
Guy's worth $40 million and not even a sniff in my direction.
Is she okay? Yeah.
You know stacey.
She takes things hard.
When our springer spaniel died, she was a mess for are you okay? James? You all right? James? Hey, james.
Dunc.
Nice wake.
But let's be honest -- cash bar? Oh, tacky.
You okay? Yeah.
Yeah.
Just got a call from an old friend of mine.
He thinks his wife might be having an affair.
Rite of passage for men.
Loss of virginity.
First threesome.
Discovery of the cheating wife.
The trifecta.
- You, too? - My second wife, after lisbeth.
Of course, I encouraged her to do it.
Spice things up a little.
Your friend -- how's he doing? Just trying to breathe.
Well, I better run.
I'm off to break bread with a woman who hates me.
- Your ex? - No, my daughter.
Vodka tonic.
That's your third, you know.
I didn't know you were keeping score.
I didn't know you had to get loaded to face your daughter.
You should try facing her.
You'd get loaded, too.
Look, I appreciate the cobb salad, duncan, but I told you -- I'm not going back to school.
I mean, your life turned out fine without a degree.
Professionally, at least.
Dad, okay? Call me "dad," please.
Dad was the guy who raised me since I was 8 and died of a stroke last year.
You're biology, duncan.
That's it.
And you don't need to worry about me, okay? I'm bright.
I gi good meeting.
- I'll find a decent job.
- Really? What's the market out there for overentitled 19-year-olds with smart mouths? You know, this has been fun in a really not-fun kind of way.
Do me a favoR.
The next time you want to pass judgment, send an e-mail.
So you can reduce me to dna? God forbid I should open my mouth to you.
Sit down.
Whatever you think of me, I'm still your father.
Fine.
You want to act like my father? Step up to the plate.
Prove it.
How? Give me a job.
I -- i think I should get you in touch with my trademarks department.
There are some things you just did we might want to get a patent on.
I'm glad I make you happy.
You deserve it.
Can I ask you a question, karl? You and your wife do you still sleep together? No.
No, I told you -- not in months.
D to be honest -- ooh! After being with you, I'm not even sure we were doing it right to begin with.
But you still do other things with her, right? And I love you so much, I want to do those things with you, too.
To tell you the truth, the only thing we do together anymore is couples therapy two mornings a week.
- Couples therapy? - Yeah.
Then that's what I want to do with you.
But we're not even married.
Plus we get along great.
We don't need couples therapy.
Oh.
I see how this works.
I do things to you that you've fantasized about since junior high school, but the second I ask for one tiny thing let me ask you -- how are you gonna like having to call your wife the next time you feel horny, karl? I'm not afraid of the hard work, doctor.
- Uh, mr.
Mixworthy? - Yeah? A word.
- This is highly unorthodox.
- Look at her, doctor.
She's an interior designer by trade, but you know what her real skill is? Making a short, insecure, lactose-intolerant man feel like a porn star.
- That's very touching -- - I'll double your fee.
Done.
My contractor's bleeding me dry.
No.
No, sweetie.
It's no problem.
Okay.
I love you, too.
Bye, hon.
I have an mba, I drive an s-class, and I run a 6-minute mile.
And you know how she judges me as a man? If I can get her favorite dessert here from a little cafe on the left bank in time for her party this weekend.
Till death do you part.
Sometimes it just sounds like a threat, doesn't it? How am I gonna get 500 napoleons here by this saturday? This is it.
Classy spot.
Oh, yeah.
I can see how the vending machines would really put a guy in the mood.
So, is she gonna be here? She told me this was her regular spot and her pimp just promoted he she got promoted to this? Boy, she must have kicked ass at the slaughterhouse.
By the way, you never told me her name.
Dontrelle.
You hooked up with someone named dontrelle and for a second didn't think that might be a dude? That sounds like the middle linebacker.
I told you it was dark.
'Cause dontrelle went 6'4", 320, and blocked out the sun.
Hold on.
Hold on.
There's someone.
- Hey.
- Hey, yourself.
You boys looking for a good time? No.
I'm married.
I'm done with good times.
Actually, we're looking for dontrelle.
Dontrelle don't work exit 47 no more.
Another promotion, perhaps.
Do you know where I could find him -- uh, her? Sorry.
Can't help you.
I might be able to track dontrelle down through this old john I know.
Tell her to call me at this number, and tell her it's really, really important.
She was that good, huh? Let's just say when it comes to sex she's the man.
Hey.
Kids are asleep.
Florie said that they were angels.
Well, you know, I'm kind of tired.
So I think I'm gonna go up, too, okay? First time I saw you -- freshman year at madison, econ 101.
Yeah.
What's this about? You walked in.
I was already there, of course, because I was 15 minutes early everywhere freshman year.
And I thought to myself, "if I could just sit across from that girl "and have a cup of coffee, my life would be perfect.
" Well, you got more than a cup of coffee.
I know.
But my life isn't perfect.
Hey, what's wrong?What -- what's going on?Are you nervous about the interview tomorrow? No, I was just thinking about that first time I saw you and wondering if my boss felt the same way the first time he sawou.
Wh-- what are you talking about? You were sleeping with him.
The necklace you had yesterday -- he gave it to you before he died, didn't he? Jamey don't talk to me like you love me.
Just answer me.
- I do love you.
- Answer me.
Were you having an affair with him? And I'll respect you a hell of a lot more if you tell me the truth.
Yes.
Yes.
At least you can't say I'm a liar.
No, I am.
Because I don't respect you one bit.
James, james, wait.
Let's talk about this.
- Don't walk out on me.
- I may be leaving but I'm not the one who walked out.
James, wait! James! James! James, don't go! Market share is up.
The fall campaign has cemented our brand recognition.
We are the darlings of wall street.
Sir, aren't you worried about hurting someone? Nonsense.
Adam has it taken care of.
Hey, moron! Sorry! Sorry.
Even in success, reveal must be a leader, not a follower.
You know by the year 2015, the most rapidly expanding population group will be women over 60? Why not make them feel beautiful, too? Why shouldn't women in nursing homes have access to the best foundation and base available? Why not market a line of hair products specifically for wigs? Really? 'Cause, actually the way to reach seniors is to appeal to the girl in them, - not the old woman.
- Excuse me? Come on, duncan.
Everybody knows women don't like to think of themselves as old.
The exception being your last three teenage girlfriends, of course.
I give you a job, I give you responsibility.
- Yeah, to get non-fat lattes.
- That's not the point.
Do you know what a 19-year-old girl would do for an opportunity like this? No, but I have a feeling you do.
Do you want this job, cam? Cam? - Yeah.
- Then you need to zip it and prove that you belong here.
How? You'll see.
I want this place in shape by monday morning or -- or what? I guess you'll find that out monday morning.
Beautiful.
I need to end it with marla.
We have nothing in common.
The only books she reads are about the differences between good carbs and bad.
So end it.
What's the problem? How do you break up with a woman who wears underwear like this? Mr.
Walker? They're ready for you now.
as you know Has led us to search for his successor.
Do you find tragic deaths amusing, mr.
Walker? No, not usually.
But this one -- maybe a little bit.
Thank you for your time, mr.
Walker, but we have other candidates waiting.
- Serious candidates.
- Done already, huh? Okay.
I guess I'm not Just -- just one thing.
This company is in trouble, and walter storrs knew that when he died.
Amerimart has been an industry leer for nearly half a century.
Hey, look, you might not think that amerimart will ever falter.
I'm here to tell you that one day you might wake up and realize that while you slept, the ground shifted, and everything you thought was so firm and so solid -- guess what -- it's not anymore.
The world is changing so much faster than we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Right now, somewhere in a garage, two kids are inventing something that's gonna put us out of business one day.
We shouldn't be ignoring these kids.
We should be hiring them.
Because you know what they'll call us if we don't? Available office space.
Now, I'm sure your dream candidates all have perfect resume, unblemished lives, and have succeeded at everything they've ever done.
But if I were you, I'd hire someone who knows what it feels like to lose something, because he will never let that happen again.
And now I'll let you get back to your serious candidates.
I wish I hadn't eaten all that bread at lunch.
Nothing worse than bad carbs.
marlA if I may we've had quite an adventure, you and I, but like every great adventure, - there comes a time when you -- - damn.
I forgot to go to a cash machine.
Can you lend me $20 for a cab? Pants pocket.
Like I was saying, everything has its time and place, - but ultimately, you discover -- - you saw "the nanny diaries"? Wendy was dying to see it.
But you said -- hmm.
You said you don't spend time together anymore.
We don'T.
The couples therapist thought it would be a good idea.
But back to what I was trying to establish -- don't I feel like a fool! You had me convinced that you and your wife were practically strangers! We are! Well, I don't go to the movies with strangers, karl.
Do you? I mean, what kind of man would be so deceitful as to lie to the woman he's cheating on his wife with? Marla! I bet wendy would like to know what her loving husband is up to when he's not at home.
What are you saying? You're gonna tell r about us? Not everything.
Just the part about the sex and the hotel rooms.
Marla, wait.
Cupcake! Sweetheart! Marla, hey! Marla! Marla, wait! Marla!Let's discuss this in couples therapy! Come on, karl.
The mistress never tells.
Just buy her something nice, like some jewelry or a low-carb bar.
I was seconds from ending it, and now I mean, wendy and i may have grown apart lately, but the thought of losing her you know what's so funny? You're so worried about losing her.
What makes you think you haven't lost her already? What's he talking about? How do you know she's not spending her afternoons in a hotel room, too, lying in bed with your contractor, having the same conversations about you? Wendy hates our contractor.
He was completely unreliable.
What's wrong, james? Stacey was having an affair with my boss.
- I don't know what to say.
- Well, I do.
That sucks.
I'd offer to take him out myself if hector hadn't already done it for us.
Okay.
All this genuine emotion is making me a little uneasy.
That's it.
Look at us.
I mean, we're supposed to be these alpha males, right? But now james' wife is sleeping around on him, karl can't control his crazy mistress, and I'm so whipped, I can't tell my wife that the delivery company can't seem to find her shipment of napoleons.
Men we're the new women.
What fresh hell? Give me good news.
What do you mean they're in tampa? Well, how does that help me? Guys, I have pastry issues.
I'll see you guys later.
What do you mean the cream filling won't clear customs? It's a dessert, not an explosive.
I always said brody had a real napoleon complex.
Yeah, I should go, too.
See if wendy's hadthe accounts frozen.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Thank you.
Keep the change.
Hi.
Can I help you? Actually maybe I can help you.
You say you first met him a month ago? Karl.
I can't believe you.
To keep this from me -- all I can say is I'm shocked.
Right.
About that -- why didn't you tell me you hired a decorator? Marla and I were just discussing ideas for the guesthouse.
Oh.
Good.
The guesthouse.
It's so unlike karl to take an interest in decorating.
Oh, isn't it amazing to be married to a man for all these years and not have the faintest idea who he is? Duncan, what are you doing here? My date is gonna be here any minute.
I need to talk to you about cameron.
She's headstrong, belligerent.
You can't tell her anything she doesn't already know.
You should be happy -- proof that she's yours.
- Vodka tonic.
- To go.
I just don't think it's gonna work out with cam.
Well, she'll be disappointed, but it won't be the first time.
What's thatsupposed to mean? She's angry at you, duncan -- not that she can admit it, but she is.
Angry?I've given her everything she ever asked for.
But did you ever notice that after she turned 12, she stopped asking? Look, you may not have been the greatest father to date, but you're a good man.
And the best thing about being a father -- every day is a chance to do better.
marry Prettier.
You never stopped long enough to notice.
Your date -- if it gets serious, no more wine cellars for us.
That's right, duncan.
So I don't have to obsess.
You know, if we ever did get back together, you'd lose interest in me completely.
- Try me.
- Maybe.
Just not tonight.
What the hell's going on? I didn't tell her about us, if that's what you mean.
Then what are you doing here? Well, I came here to tell her, but then I realized wendy's not the one I want to hurt.
And then we got to talking,and you know what? We kind of hit it off.
You -- you hit it off with my wife? She's smart and sweet and so funny.
Funny? Wendy's funny? Karl, how you can not appreciate her is beyond me.
She's a gem.
I have half a mind to fix her up with my trainer.
Here you go, hon.
Sorry if it's a little strong.
Perfect.
I just need a couple more.
I never liked her, you know.
Even when I said I did, I didn'T.
But, of course, if you decide to take her back, I'll deny ever saying that.
Who told you? Not you.
I had to find out the old-fashioned way.
Ah, office gossip.
Well, what are they saying? The men hate her, and the women are trying to figure out when you'll be ready to date.
You know, the heart is a complex little muscle.
But you're a great guy, and there are a lot of women out there that can see that, even if your wife can'T.
You sure you're ? They called.
Before you came in.
Who called? The board.
I've just been named C.
E.
O.
Of amerimart.
- You're kidding.
- No.
They said they wanted new blood, new direction.
You're not kidding.
Congratulations, james.
Thanks.
Guess I'd better go.
I'm late for a conference call.
Don't want to get off on the wrong foot with the new boss.
These women that think I'm such a good guy -- do I know any of them? Just the one that's gonna take your job if you screw it up.
Bye, boss.
can I help you? I'm looking for duncan collinsworth.
Do you know him? As a matter of fact, I do.
unbelievable.
My wife finally makes a friend, and it's my mistress.
What are the odds? Well, at least you have something to talk about in couples therapy.
Oh - hi! - Boy.
duncan, there's someone I think you'd like to speak with.
Hi, sweetie.
Just smile.
hey, janelle's thrilled.
She's having a great time.
This makes you happy, doesn't it? Yeah, I know I bitch.
But, you know, she's got this other side, and I know you don't see it.
I don't see it as much as I should.
But we just fit, you know? Yeah, I know.
I see the napoleons made it? Nope, theye in tampa.
Found a little place in new jersey -- boom.
Knocked them out in two hours.
- Janelle never knew the difference.
- Nice.
So, remember if that reporter asks any questions, you never met me.
For a grand, I can forget almost anything.
Perfect.
- Am I gonna be invited back? - Oh, absolutely.
Guys.
This is dontrelle.
- Dontrelle, the guys.
- They're cute.
- They know you're packing.
- Worth a shot.
Come on.
Bye.
Wow.
James.
I'm not asking you not to be angry at me, okay? Then what are you asking me? If you're ever gonna be able to stop.
When I was promoted yesterday, you know what I thought? I thought how I wished I could call you just to hear your voice.
And at the company dinner, how you should have been right beside me, wearing your little black dress.
That was the day I'd been dreaming of since business school, and all I could think of was what I'd lost.
It doesn't have to be that way, james.
Why don't you just come home? No.
I can'T.
C.
E.
O.
Of amerimart.
World's most eligible bachelor, huh? That's not what I wanted for myself.
Not since econ01.
Bye.
Bye-bye, sweetie.
- Good night.
- Bye.
You and dontrelle are not just old squash partners, right? Don't tell your mom, okay? You know, duncan, we're more alike than I thought.
We both have trouble getting out of our own ways.
Are you gonna stop embarrassing me at work? Probably not.
- Are you gonna stop judging me? - Not likely.
At least we know where we stand.
Good night, duncan.
- I'll see you monday.
- Hey you can call me "dad," you know.
I know.
Good night, duncan.
Baby steps.
all right, ladies, my turn.
A toast to my new best friend marla.
One.
Just one for me.
The one over there with the cute little forked What are you guys talking about? The number of women in our lives that drive us absolutely crazy.
Two for me.
God help me.
I'm with brody.
One.
yeah.
Ask him again in six months.
What about you, dunc? - 2 1/2.
- 2 1/2? There's lisbh, obviously.
Cameron, of course.
And I think dontrelle's worth a half, don't you? To dontrelle.
- Dontrelle.
- Dontrelle.
he seemed like such a nice guy.
I don't know why you needed me to tape him.
Because a thousand words paint a very nice picture.
Great party.
16-piece band.
Janelle said it was the best birthday she has ever had.
Gentlemen, I may actually have a shot with my own wife tonight.
Just in case, I still have dontrelle's number.
E-mail me.
Proudly Presents Big Shots Season 1 Episode 1