Big Shots (2007) s01e03 Episode Script
The good, the bad, and the really ugly
Previously On Big Shots: What Kind Of Man Would Lie To The Woman He's Cheating On His Wife With? What Are You Doing Here? Well, I Came Here To Tell Her.
And You Know What? We Kind Of Hit It Off.
"Hit It Off"? With My Wife? If We Did It Like This When We Were Married, We Might Still Be Married.
- Oh, He's Cute.
- Who's That? Terrence Hill -- Hates Duncan.
- I Have Dinner Plans.
- Who Is He? It's The Englishman With The Aston Martin.
Stay Away From Her.
- Her? - Lisbeth.
And The Company's All Yours.
- Were You Having An Affair With Him? - Yes.
But It Wasn't A Mistake At All, Was It? - What Are You Talking About? - Just Stop.
No More Lies.
I Want A Divorce.
You Got A Knobber From A Tranny? Hey, I'm Just Glad That Dontrelle Business Is Behind Us Once And For All.
- Whoa, What's This? - It's An Address Book.
Bet There Are A Few People Who'd Love To Get Their Hands On This.
I Am So Sorry, Hon.
No, I Know.
No, It Is All My Fault.
As I Said Before, I Couldn't Be Sorrier.
Yeah.
Thank You.
I Love You, Too.
Bye-Bye.
Now What'd You Do? Absolutely No Idea.
What Do You Mean? Well, Janelle Hasn't Told Me Yet.
But Every Time I Hear That "We Need To Talk" Tone In Her Voice, I Figure, A Preemptive Apology Couldn't Hurt.
So, James, Quick.
Regale Me With Stories About Your Life As A Newly Single Man.
Well, I'm Actually Not Sure What My Favorite Part Is.
Um, Waking Up In A Cold Sweat As I Replay My Failed Marriage, Or Missing My Kids.
You Really Need To Work On Your Regaling.
It Gets Easier, You Know.
- Yeah? When? - Hard To Say.
When Lisbeth And I Split, I Was A Mess.
Tears, Soul-Searching.
My Second Divorce, Not So Much.
It Was Like An Outpatient Procedure.
Back Out There Within Hours.
Two Weeks Ago, I Was A Happily Married Man.
Now, You Know What, I'm Not So Sure I'm Comfortable Being The "Single Guy.
" That's Why You Have Us.
Who's The Joker Who Drives This? That Would Be You.
What's This? What's This -- You Guys Bought Me A Ferrari? Relax.
We're Rich, Not Crazy.
- It's A Lease.
- But Why? I Don't Get It.
We Figured Since You're Single Again, It Might Cheer You Up.
Maybe Loosen A Few Skirts For You.
But A Ferrari? Does It Come With A Toupee And A Troy Wife? Come On.
Shut Up And Drive.
If You Put It Like That.
Woo.
Not To Be A Buzzkill, But Please Note, All Incidentals Are Charged To My Platinum Card.
What? What?! There Goes Our Boy.
There Goes My Good-Driver Discount.
Hey, Honey, I'm Home.
Just Stopped By To Change On My Way Wendy, Honey, It's Me.
What's Wrong? Nothing's Wrong.
Wendy, You're Locked Inside, Weeping.
Obviously, Something's Wrong.
Please Go Away, Karl! I Can't Talk To You About This! Can't Talk To Me? Sweetie, I'm Your Husband.
Who Else Would You Talk To At A Time Like This? Where's My Baby? Your Baby? I May Have Been Your Mistress Once, But Now, I'm Her Best Friend.
Where Is She? She's In A Very Delicate State! I'm Not Really Sure She Wants To See Anybody! Wendy? Wendy, Honey, It's Me, Marla.
I Got Here As Fast As I Could.
Be A Doll And Get Us Some Lunch.
Do Me A Favor.
Why Don't You Tell Me What I'm Doing Here? I'd Like To Offer You A Job.
A Job? Your Mother Says You Have Enormous Potential.
And, Coincidentally, You'd Be Screwing My Father Out Of An Intern.
I Assure You, This Has Nothing To Do With Your Father.
When I Say That To My Shrink, He Doesn't Believe It, Either.
The Truth Is, I'm Always On The Lookout For Bright Young People.
Of Course, There'd Be A Raise, And Unless You're Caught Snorting Copier Fluid A Junior Executive Placement Within Six Months.
People Get Ahead In This Business By Seizing Opportunities, And Unless You Have Your Heart Set On Fetching Your Father Mochaccinos For The Next Two Years, You Might Be Served By Seizing Yours.
The New Face Of Reveal's Junior Line Needs To Be Unlike Anyone Out There.
She Should Be Edgy Without Being Unapproachable.
Though, The Kind Of Girl Who Can Turn Heads On The Subway In Jeans And A White T-Shirt And Still Knock Themead At A Museum Opening Hooky? And Still Knock Themead At A Museum Opening And Still Knock Themead At A Museum Opening Withn Evening Gown.
So, You Got Up Here A Question Mark For The Face.
Definitely.
Time? Place? We Don't Know Exactly The Type We're Looking For Yet.
We Don't Know Exactly The Type We're Looking For Yet.
That's What We're Gonna Decide Today.
Now.
Yours.
So, We're Gonna Look At Different Types -- So, We're Gonna Look At Different Types -- I'm Sorry, Everyone.
I Completely Forgot I Had A Doctor's Appointment.
Mr.
Collinsworth, It's Vital We Make A Decision About The Type Of Girl We Want -- Straight Teeth, Clear Skin, Perky Breasts.
They're Called Models.
Where You Been? Where Are You Going? I Have A Doctor's Appointment.
And I Just Came From One.
Take Notes.
I'll Be Back Soon.
Goodie! Karl's Having An Affair? Are You Sure? Of Course, He's Denied It For Weeks, And, True, Lately He Seems To Be Making More Of An Effort, But The Way He'd Been Acting -- Distant And Secretive.
What Other Explanation Could There Be? But An Affair.
That's A Little Dramatic, Isn't It? You See That's Why I Love You, Marla.
You're Completely Oblivious To Karl's Animal Magnetism.
Animal What? The Fact Is, Women Are Just Drawn To Him.
Not Necessarily Women You'd Find Smart Or Attractive Or Even Presentable, For That Matter.
I Get The Gist.
Anyway, Karl Had Me Convinced I Was Losing My Mind.
That's When I Knew I Needed Proof.
So I Hired A Private Investigator.
A Private Investigator? He Dropped Off A Flash Drive With Pictures This Morning.
Said I Would Find Them Very Interesting.
And Did You? The Truth Is, I Haven't Had The Courage To Look.
I Love Karl, Warts And All.
Am I Really Ready To Say Goodbye To The Life I've Known For The Last 12 Years? That's Very Mature Of You, Wendy.
And You Know What? Let Me Hang On To These Pictures For You.
Until You're Emotionally Ready.
Really? You Need Time To Prepare Yourself.
And In The Meantime, We Don't Want Anything To Happen To These, Do We? You Are Such A Good Friend, Marla.
But I Know Exactly Where I'm Gonna Keep Them.
There's Something About Zipping You Up That Never Gets Old.
Yeah? Well, That Zipper Just Cost Me Three Showings Of The Mckenna House.
What Can I Say? I Can't Keep My Hands Off You.
Remind Me -- Why Didn't We Have This Problem When We Were Married? Because While We Were Married, Your Zipper Was The Problem.
Ah-Ha.
Well, Then, Maybe It's Time I Made Up For It.
Duncan, Don't, Don't.
No, No, No, No, No.
Don't.
Okay, Do.
Gross.
We've Just Been Outed By Our Daughter.
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First Stage Is Always The Hardest.
There Are Stages? First Stage -- Wondering If You're Gonna Survive.
Second Stage -- Wondering If You're Gonna Spend The Rest Of Your Life Alone.
And Third Stage -- Wondering Why You Didn't Get A Divorce Sooner.
Yeah.
Sara Cross.
Twins, First Grade.
James Walker.
Son In The Second Grade, Daughter In Kindergarten.
Look, I-I Don't Know What You're Going Through, But If You Ever Need Help With The Kids, Or Just Someone To Tell You What A Webkinz Is That's My Number.
Thanks.
Daddy! Daddy! Hey! Come Here, Guys.
Aw, How Was Your Day? - Good.
- Have You Grown Since Yesterday? Come On, Let's Go.
Wow, Nice Car.
Oh, Come On, Cam, It's Not That Bad.
I Am Doing The Walk Of Shame With My Mother.
Yeah, It's That Bad.
It's Just You're Smart And Beautiful.
Of All The Guys In The City, Why Do You Have To Be Sleeping With Him? Okay, First Of All, He Is Your Father.
And Secondly, I'm A Grown Woman.
I Am Capable Of Making My Own Decisions, And If I Want To Have Sex With Your Father, I Will.
Okay, Awkward.
Karl, Come On, Before It Gets Dark, Okay? Ugh.
This Is An Ugly Game He Plays.
So, Word On The Street Is You Got Your First Number.
Uh, Not My First.
My First Since 1987.
So, Who's The Lucky Lady? Her Name's Sara.
I Met Her On The Pick-Up Line At School.
She's One Of The Moms.
I'm Sorry, Did You Just Say "One Of The Moms"? Yeah, She's Got Twins In The First Grade.
Listen, I'm Sure She's Great, But You're Needy And Vulnerable.
Those Are Powerful Emotions For Women.
Are You Sure You Want To Squander Them On The Soccer Mom? What? She's Nice.
She Understands What I'm Going Through.
I'm Sure She Is, And I'm Sure Someday That's Theype Of Woman You Ought To Settle Down With.
But A Man Is Single, What, Two, Three Times Over The Course Of His Lifetime.
You Need To Broaden Your Horizons.
See What's Out There Beyond The Pta.
Yeah, And How Do You Propose I Do That? 15 Years Ago When You Got Married, We Threw You A Bachelor Party.
What You Need Is A Re-Bachelor Party For Your Re-Entry Into The World Of Being Single.
But A Re-Bachelor Party? Well, You Guys Have Talked About This, Haven't You? Well, Think Of It As A New Beginning, And What Better Way To Mark A Life-Changing Event Than With A Party With Some Of The Top Models In New York City? Models.
Well, When You Put It That Way.
Where The Hell You Been? We've Been Talking About His Party.
Oh, Great.
Um, Actually, I Got News For You.
Dontrelle Got Arrested? Friday Night In Washington Heights.
At Least, That's What My Contact At The 22nd Precinct Said.
Routine Solicitation Bust.
If It's Routine, What's The Problem? Well, Let Me Finish.
Amongst The Other Surprises That The Arresting Officer Found In Dontrelle's Shorts Was A Little Black Book With The Names Of All Of Her Johns.
All Of Them? Including Me? That Would Be The Assumption.
You Okay, Duncan? Listen, I Hoped I Never Had To Tell You This, But That Night I Pulled Into The Truck Stop, The Night I Hook Up With Dontrelle Yeah? Well, Before We, You Know, Completed Our Transaction, She Asked Me My Name, And If There Was One Thing I Knew, It Was Not To Give Her My Real Name.
- Well, That's Good Thinking.
- You'd Think So, Right.
The Problem Is, It Was Late, And I Was Tired.
So I Gave Her The First Name I Came Up With.
Which Was? Yours.
Sorry.
I Paniced.
My Mind Went Blank.
Except, Apparently, For My Name! Janelle's Gonna Blow A Gasket When She Finds Out.
My Name Is In The Little Black Book Of A Transsexual Hooker.
How Am I Gonna Tell Her? My Suggestion? Over Drinks.
Why The Hell Would You Tell Janelle? She's Gonna Find Out.
How? I Don't Know How.
She Just Will.
The Woman's Got Intelligence-Gathering Techniques The Cia Could Learn From.
No Offense, But If This Gets Out, My Career Is Over.
Not Only That, My Severance Package Has A Morality Clause.
My Stock Options, Pension, All Of It Will Be Gone.
Well, Lucky For You, I Know The Guy That Runs The Evidence Lock-Up In The 22nd Precinct.
So I Will Pay Him A Visit.
That's What A Good Friend Does.
One Misguided Night With A Tranny, And It Haunts You For Life.
At This Point, My Relationship With Dontrelle Has Lasted Longer Than My Second Marriage.
What Is It About Men That Makes Them Think That The Answer To All Life's Problems Is A Frat Party? Go Easy On Them.
It's Their Way Of Being There For Me.
Well, I Just Don't Understand Why Duncan Couldn't Have You Guys Over For Coffee.
It'd Give You A Chance To Really Share And Express Your Feelings.
Why? 'Cause We're Not On "The View," That's Why.
Look, I'm A 38-Year-Old Single Man Who Hasn't Been Single Since He Was 18 And Doesn't Know If He Wants To Be Single Now.
So What's The Harm In Blowing Off Some Steam For A Couple Hours, Pretending That This Isn't The Hardest Thing I've Ever Been Through In My Life? You Women Talk About Your Feelings.
We Pretend We Don't Have Any.
But It Doesn't Mean We Don't Hurt As Much As You.
Wow.
With A Rap Like That, You Should Be On "The View.
" She Has Pictures.
Pictures? What Kind Of Pictures? The Kind That End Marriages, Karl, And Best Friendships.
Okay.
Don't Panic.
Don't Panic.
We Can Fix This.
We Just Need To Get Our Hands On Them.
So, Where Are They? I Don't Know.
All Wendy Said She Was Gonna Hide Them In Her Special Spot.
Her Special Spot? Where's That? Karl, You've Been Married To Wendy For 12 Years.
You Don't Know Where Her Special Spot Is? Sorry, No.
Well, That Wouldn't Be The First Special Spot You've Missed.
Come On, Karl, Think.
Could This Special Spot Have Something To Do With Her Interests? A Hobby, Maybe? Well, I Know She Likes Oprah.
I Know That.
And She Seems To Enjoy Our Trips To The Poconos.
And She Once Said Something About Chinese Cooking Lessons.
My God.
You Don't Know Your Wife At All, Do You? What, You Think You Know Her So Well? Better Than You.
Right.
Wendy And I May Have Grown Apart, But I Can Assure You There's No One Who Knows More About Her Than I Do.
Okay.
All Right, Let's See.
When Wendy Was A Little Girl, She Dreamed Of Being A Ballerina.
She Did? She Spent That Summer Abroad Studying The Renaissance Artists In Florence.
Florence? Italy? And She Has A Continuing Passion For Classical Music.
What, You Mean, Like, Mozart? Which Means It Should Be Right Over Here.
Oh, That Special Spot.
Sure.
I'm Sorry, Brody.
I Can't Help You, Buddy.
Yes, Frank, You Can Help Me.
You Can Take One Little Black Book From The Evidence Room.
Hey, Keep Your Voice Down.
These Things With The Wheels And The Little Red Lights Are Police Cars, All Right? Look, My Friend's Willing To Pay, Okay? Enough So That Next Christmas, You're Not Gonna Need A Part-Time Security Job.
It's Not Worth It, Brody.
I Got A Family.
I'm Not Gonna Risk Losing My Pension Because I Get Caught Taking A Bribe.
Nobody's Getting Caught.
You Have No Idea How Much Money I'm Talking About Here.
My Friend Is The C.
E.
O.
Of Reveal Cosmetics.
The Guy Sweats Cash.
Reveal? Oh, Man.
My Oldest Girl, She's Got This Real Thing For Their Lip Gloss, You Know.
It's Good Gloss.
Yeah, She's Really Into Makeup.
And She's Good.
I Mean, She's Always Doing Herself Up Like Those Girls In The Magazine Ads.
You Know, Maybe There Is A Conversation We Can Have.
Duncan Collinsworth, Are You Ready To Meet The New Junior Face Of Reveal? Miss Portia O'connell, The Lovely Daughter Of Officer Frank O'connell, Nypd.
She Gets Her Looks From Her Mother.
I So Don't Look Like Either Of Them.
Okay, Um, You Need To Get Off Me.
Could You Be More Embarrassing? Portia, Really Great To Meet You.
Could You Excuse Us For A Second? Sure.
You Said She Was A Young Heidi Klum.
Yeah.
I Lied.
- She Is Young, Though.
- This Is Insane.
Look, I Tried To Convince Her Father To Just Take Money, But He Was More Interested In Helping His Daughter Fulfill Her Lifelong Dream -- To Be A Model.
A Model Of What? Look, You Want Him To Get That Book For You? This Is What He Wants.
How Am I Supposed To Sell Her As The New Face Of The Junior Line? From Very Far Away? Duncan? Hi.
I Was Hoping To Talk To You For A Minute.
Yeah, We're Kind Of In The Middle Of Something Here.
No, I Will Entertain The Troops.
Actually, That's What I Wanted To Talk To You About.
I Mean, Seems You've Got Lot Going On These Days, And I Thought If You Gave Me A Little More Responsibility, I Might Really Be Able To Help You.
Cam, You Really Want To Help? Get Me A Cup Of Coffee And A Couple Of Xanax.
Right.
Running Errands.
My Specialty.
Um, Officer O'connell Thinksit'd Be A Go To Do Some Test Shots To Make Sure That We're All On The Same Page About His Daughter's Image.
Hi, I'm Calling For Terrence Hill.
It's Cameron Collinsworth.
A Toast To Duncan For Letting Us Use His Place.
And To James, On The Occasion Of His Re-Bachelor Party.
Great Party, Duncan.
Oh, God, This Is Crazy.
I Mean, I Cannot Believe The Day Has Finally Come That I Am Once Again Intimidated By 25-Year-Old Girls.
You Know What You Got To Do? That Old Public-Speaking Thing Where You Pretend They're In Their Underwear.
Uh, Yeah, Somehow, I Don't Think That's Gonna Work.
My Advice -- Live It Up While You Can.
You Never Know When It's All Gonna Come To A Screeching Halt.
Okay, I'm Going In.
Attaboy.
Just Do Me A Favor, Okay.
Promise Me You Won't Let Me Drink Too Much, Call The Ex-Wife, Or Show Family Pictures.
Done.
You Got Our Word.
He's A Mess.
It's Sad, Really.
That's Dashiel.
He's 8.
And Sama She's 5.
- They're Beautiful.
- Thanks.
So, Pretty Cool Of Your Friends To Throw You This Party.
What's The Occasion? Uh, It's My, Uh, What's The My Re-Bachelor Party.
Re-Bachelor Party? Yeah, I'm Getting A Divorce, And It's Been A While Since I've Been On The Dating Scene, So Me Too.
My Last Boyfriend And I Broke Up, Like, Two Weeks Ago.
You Don't Think These Women Are A Little Age-Inappropriate? Oh, Come On.
These Are Some Of Reveal's Top Contract Girls.
- They're Not So Young.
- Not So Young? I Saw Two Of Them In The Guest Bedroom Cramming For A Math Test.
Hey, You Made It! Where Were You? You Were Supposed To Be Here An Hour Ago.
I Need Help.
You Know, Other People Brought Wine.
Please, The Fate Of My Marriage Rests Inside This Thing.
- I'm At A Party.
-Brody.
- I Don't Want To.
- Please! All Right.
Happy Re-Bachelor Party.
Thanks.
She Seemed To Like You, Buddy.
Yeah, Of Course She Liked Me.
She Probably Wanted Me To Buy Her Beer.
Hey, What About Her? She's Looking Right At You.
Geesh.
Come On, She Seems Like A Nice Girl.
Don't Overthink It.
Go.
You Are Cheating On Your Mistress With Your Secretary? No, She's An Amateur Palm Reader.
She Was Studying My Lifeline.
Really.
Brody, I Have Asthma, Acid Reflux, And O.
C.
D.
You Really Think I Could Be Sleeping With Three Women? I Can't Believe You Were Sleeping With Two.
Okay, So If This Is All There Is, Why Not Just Tell Wendy The Truth? Because It's Not Wendy I'm Worried About.
It's Marla.
I Don't Understand.
All Right.
Marla Was Always Accusing Me Of Being Attracted To My Secretary.
If She Sees This, It'll Confirm Her Worst Fears.
And You Know How Crazy She Is.
If She Thinks I Was Cheating On Her, She'll Tell Wendy I Was Cheating On HerWith Her.
Seriously, What Did Your Mother Do To You? Believe Me, You Don't Have The Time.
I Know It Sounds Crazy, But It's Taking My Mistress To Help Me Remember How Great My Wife Is.
And Now That I Have, I Won't Let Anything Spoil It.
Okay, I've Got A Guy.
He'll Work A Little Photoshop Magic, And You'll Be Back To Not Sleeping With Only Two Women In No Time.
Thank You.
Hi.
Look, You Know, Full Disclosure.
Up Until Two Weeks Ago, I Was Married.
But Then My Wife, She Slipped, And She Fell On My Boss's Penis.
Anyway, He Died.
Not Related To The Sex, Of Course.
So, I'm On The Road To Divorce, Pretending Like My Life Is Not Completely Blown Apart.
But Because I Have Three Really Great Friends Who Threw Me This Great Party, I'm Here.
Actually, See That Guy Up There, - The One That's Staring At Us Right Now? - Mm-Hmm.
That's One Of My Friends.
And I Really Want Him Off My Back.
And I'm Pretty Sure You Want Me Off Yours.
So, I'll Make You A Deal.
If You Can Laugh At Me Right Now Like I'm The Funniest Guy You've Ever Met And Then Give Me Your Phone Number, I Promise You, I Swear, Hand To God, I Will Never Use It.
Or We Could Just Get Out Of Here.
There He Goes.
I'm So Proud Of Him.
It Seems Like Just Last Week, We Were Helping Him Negotiate His Divorce.
It Was Last Week.
All Right, Thanks.
No, I'll See You There.
That Was Our Cop Friend.
His Daughter Is Really Looking Forward To The Photo Shoot.
Apparently, She's On An All-Liquid Diet.
Me Too.
Excuse Me.
Look, I Don't Mean To Be Presumptuous, But I'm Married.
Congratulations.
You're Also Blocking The Bar.
Let Me Get This Straight.
The Last Time You Were On A Date, There Were No Cellphones? Nope.
- No Iernet? - No.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
I Think We Can Both Agree That It Was A Long Time Ago.
Well, This Is Me.
Are You Sure You Want To Call It A Night? I Know A Great Little Bar Around The Corner.
Oh, I'm Sorry.
I Have An Early Day Tomorrow.
So, We Should Should What? Go Inside.
"Inside"? Oh, I-I'm Sorry.
I'm Confused.
I Thought You Just Said You Had An Early Dayomorrow.
I Do.
So If We're Gonna Have Sex, We Better Get On It.
Oh, Do You Have Any Oh, Never Mind.
I Have Plenty.
You Didn't Sleep With Her? No.
I Didn't Sleep With Her.
Oh, Man.
How Could You Not? He Didn't Sleep With Her.
We Heard.
The Woman Had More Protection Than Private Ryan.
When Did Women Become So Aggressive? I Don't Know.
Sometime Between Woodstock And The Fall Of The Berlin Wall, I Think.
It's 2007, James.
It's Evolution.
Women Have Had To Compete With Us For So Long, They've Become Us.
But Cuter.
Whatever Happened To The Three-Date Rule? You're Going On The First Date, You See If You Like Each Other.
And Then On The Second Date, You Decide If The First Date Wasn't A Complete Disaster.
On The Third Date, You Close The Deal.
That's How It Works.
That's How It Used To Work.
Ah, Progress.
Don't Look At Me.
I Never Knew How It Worked.
It's The High-Speed Age.
Nobody Waits For Anything Anymore.
It's All About Instant Gratification.
Instant Credit, Instant Access.
- Instant Message.
- Lisbeth? Ah, Her Meeting Canceled.
She's Got An Hour To Kill.
Man, That's Twice In One Week.
Three Times, If You Count Our Day-Night Doubleheader On Monday.
Wow, Three Times? Looks Like Someone Might Be Interested In A Little More Than Just Sex.
No, Lisbeth Is Totally Cool With Our Arrangement.
I Don't Think He Was Talking About Lisbeth.
What? What Are You Talking About? Me? You Think I Want More? No.
Trust Me.
Everything's Perfect.
I'm Just Saying.
Sometimes Instant Isn't As Good As The Real Thing.
- Why Are Women So Aggressive? - Mm-Hmm.
'Cause It's A Man's World, James, And We've Had To Keep Up.
And What Better Way To Keep Up Than To Play By Your Rules? You've Done More Than Just Keep Up.
I Mean, At This Point, We're Almost Obsolete.
You Guys Are So Funny.
If We're Barefoot And Pregnant, Then You're Bored.
If We're Confident And Corporate, Then You're Threatened.
Look, At This Point, I Would Settle For A Woman Who Does Not Buy Her Condoms In Bulk, Okay? I Promise You, There Are Some Good Ones Still Out There Actually, I Did Meet Someone Really Nice The Other Day At The Kids' School.
Hmm, Really? Mm-Hmm.
Well Gonna Call Her? In This Day And Age, I'm Surprised She Hasn't Called Me.
Well, That's The One Thing That Hasn't Changed.
Hmm, Great.
If We Keep Meeting Like This, I'm Gonna Have To File For Unemployment.
Or Start Paying Rent.
Can I Ask You Something? What Are We Doing Here? I Think You Know What We're Doing Here.
Anat A Very Impressive Rate, I Might Add.
No, I Mean, Us.
This.
What Is It, Exactly? What Are You Saying, Duncan? I Don't Know.
But We've Been Through A Lot Together, Lizzy.
A Marriage, Kid.
A Mediator, Divorce Lawyer.
Never Would Have Thought That My Relationship With My Ex Would Be The Least Complicated Part Of My Life.
Listen, Duncan, The Reason Why This Works, You And Me, It's Because It's About All The Good Things.
The Chase.
Mystery.
Excitement.
And As Soon As One Of Us Wants Anything More, I Think We Both Know What Will Happen.
You Sure About That? Yeah, I'm Sure.
You Were Right.
We Have Been Through An Awful Lot Together.
And We Weren't Very Good At Any Of It.
But This This We're Good At.
You're Right.
And Lucky For Us, Very Good.
Well, I Better Run.
Off To A Photo Shoot.
I'm Not Gonna Lose You To One Of Your Models, Am I? Oh, No Chance Of That.
She's A Real Beauty, Don't You Think? Oh, She's A Beauty, All Right.
So, We Have A Deal, Right? You're Gonna Get Me That Book? You're A Man Of Your Word.
I'm A Man Of Mine.
You'll Get That Book.
But, Hey, Watch This.
Hey, Sweetie, Do That Little Spin Move Yo Do.
Low Blood Sugar.
She Hasn't Eaten In Three Days.
Attagirl! Cam, The New Junior Face Of Reveal Needs Some Carbs.
Cam? Great.
Karl! Marla? What Are You Doing In Here? What Are You Doing Here? Wendy Just Called, Said She's Gonna Look At Those Pictures After She Gets Home From Her Neighborhood-Watch Meeting This Afternoon.
This Afternoon? You Said You Re Meeting Her Tonight.
Well, Plans Change, Karl.
She Can't Stand The Waiting Anymore.
Unlike Me, She's A Very High-Strung Woman.
Steam Room's Closed! Beat It, Goldilocks! Karl, If She Realizes That The Flashdrive Is Missing, Relax.
The Photos Have Been Doctored.
Not A Trace Of You Anywhere.
Really? Are You Sure? Brody Took Care Of It.
So All You Need To Do Is To Replace The Drive Before She Gets Home.
- Come On.
It's In My Locker.
- Okay.
Actually, Maybe You Should Wait Here.
Fewer Naked Men.
What's The Matter, Terrence? Couldn't Get My Wife, So You're Going After My Daughter? I Simply Recognize An Undervalued Asset.
Made A Fair Offer.
Except She's Not An Undervalued Asset.
She's My Kid.
Quite A Few Undervalued Assets In Your Life, Duncan.
Cameron.
Lisbeth.
Wait A Second.
We Had A Deal.
I Walked Away From Jailbait, And You Walked Away From Lisbeth.
Don't Worry, I Have No Intention Of Pursuing Her.
I'm Confident It Won't Be Necessary.
- What? - I Won't Have To, Duncan.
Maybe It'll Be Another Woman.
Maybe You'll Just Get Bored.
Whatever The Perverse Circumstance, One Thing I'm Fairly Certain Of Is You Will Screw It Up All On Your Own.
Good Night, Duncan.
No, I Just -- I Just Keep Thinking Back To When We Were Together As A Family, And Wondering How We're Not Anymore.
Oh, I Remember That.
It Took Me Six Months To Stop Expecting My Ex To Come Home For Dinner At 6:00.
And Just When I Think I've Begun To Accept It, I Realize That My Kids Haven't Even Started.
The Other Day, My Youngest Asked Why I Don't Love Mommy Anymore.
What Did You Say? I Said, "It's Hard To Love A Lying Adulteress.
" That Was The Right Answer, Don't You Think? Definitely.
You Don't Want To Coddle Them.
No.
I've Had A Really Nice Time.
Thanks For Having Me Over.
Not A Problem.
It's Nice To Talk To Someone Who's On The Other Side Of It.
Oh, God, I'm Probably Gonna Regret This In Half A Second, But I Guess Being On The Other Side Of It Makes It Easy To Spot Someone Who's Not, Right? And I Was Hoping That You Weren't Gonna Bring It Up Till The Morning.
Yeah, You And Me Both.
Okay, So, This Time I'm Gonna Let You Off Easy.
But Once You're Ready, I Better Be Your First Call.
Absolutely.
Ready? Ready.
My Husband Is Gay.
Mr.
Mixworthy Have You Anything To Say? He's A Palm Reader.
Seriously.
This Is How You Manage A Crisis? I'm Sorry.
I Had My Hands Full.
When I Told My Guy To Get Rid Of The Girl In The Picture, I Did Not Think That He Was Gonna Replace Her With A Man.
Hey, Look On The Bright Side.
At Least Wendy Didn't Find Out About Your Affair.
Great.
Instead, She Thinks I'm Gay.
Well, ???.
Just Take Her Out For A Romantic Night, It'll All Blow Over.
I Tried.
But When I Got Tickets To "Wicked," She Just Cried Harder.
Man, Sometimes I Wish Our Wives Just Came With An Owner's Manual.
You Know What? It's Not That Easy Being Single, Either.
I Mean, At Least When I Was Married, I Was James Walker, Husband And Father.
And Now That I'm Single Again, I -- I Don't Know Who I Am.
A Little Secret? None Of Us Do.
Some Of Us Just Fake It Better Than Others.
Sometimes I Think Everything I Want Was Everything I Already Had.
Of Course, If I Ever Got Lisbeth Back, I'd Probably Screw It Up All Over Again.
I'll Tell You One Way To Screw It Up For Sure.
How? Waste Your Time Telling Us How You Feel About Her.
Instead Of Telling Her.
Quick, Somebody Talk About Baseball Before They Kick Us Out Of The Men's Steam Room! Duncan? Hey.
Okay, Let Me Guess.
Horny Or Depressed? A Little Bit Of Both, I Guess.
You're Predictable.
Come On.
We Have To Make It Quick.
I Have Dinner In An Hour.
Actually, I Don't Want To Come In.
Duncan Collinsworth Turning Down Sex.
Hmm.
Wait A Minute, Am I Being Punked? I Think We Should Do This.
This? You.
Me.
Together.
Again.
And I Don't Mean Just Sex.
I Want To Take You To Dinner.
Duncan, We Haven't Been To Dinner Together In Five Years.
And If I Remember Correctly, You Drank Too Much, And You Couldn't Take Your Eyes Off The Waitress.
Only Because She Was Late With My Drinks.
Weren't You The One Who Told Me That Dinner Was Just Foreplay? Yeah.
But You And I Could Use A Little Foreplay.
The Same For Me Goodbye, My Almost Lover Goodbye, My Hopeless Dream I'm Trying Not To Think About You Can't You Just Let Me Be? Next Friday Night At 8:00? 8:00.
Good.
My Back Is Turned On You Should've Known You'd Bring Me Heartache Almost Lovers Always Do Oh, Boy.
Why Didn't You Tell Me About Terrence's Offer? You Can Relax, Duncan.
I Turned It Down.
"Turned It Down"? Why? Sounded Like A Good Deal.
Because, Duncan, You May Be A Self-Absorbed Narcissist But You're Still My Father.
Listen, I've Been Thinking.
I Can't Promote You Yet, But Maybe We Can Find A Few Extra Things For You To Do Around Here.
Really? Why? Because You're A Smart-Mouthed, Over-Entitled Dropout But You're Still My Daughter.
What Happened To The Ferrari? You Didn't Wreck It, Did You? My Platinum Card.
I Didn't Wreck It.
I Just Traded It For Something That's A Little More Dated? Me.
Got It.
Look, Guys, As Much As I Didn't Want To Face It, I Know I'm Single Now.
I'm Just Gonna Have To Do It In My Own Way, In My Own Time.
Yeah, That's -- That's Mure.
Boring As Hell.
- But Mature.
- Right.
Hey, We Got A Long Drive.
We Got To Go.
What's Going On? We've Got A Little Business To Attend To.
My Life Is Over.
Can I Ask You Something? Does This Shirt Look Gay? What? Yeah, Sweetie.
Yes, I Am In An Alley.
Yeah.
Well, It's Like I Told You.
Yeah.
No, No, No.
Don't Wait Up For Me.
Okay, I Love You, Too, Beautiful.
Bye, Hon.
How Did She Know You Were In An Alley? Well, I Finally Broke It To Her About The Book.
And? And She Was Okay With It.
She Even Got Me A Gift.
New Cellphone With Advanced Gps Tracking.
So, From Now On, Janelle Can Follow Me Wherever I Go So She Doesn't Have To Worry About Me Getting In Trouble.
Or Having Any Personal Freedom Whatsoever.
Right, That Too.
Hey, Hey, Hey.
Here He Is.
Here He Is.
- Hey.
- Hey, Hey! Look What We Got Here.
Print Mock-Up.
The New Junior Face Of Reveal.
She Is Gonna Stop Traffic.
Yeah, That's Great.
Listen, I Got To Tell You Guys Something.
When I Went To The Evidence Room This Morning To Look For That Book, It Was Gone.
What Do You Mean, "Gone"? I Mean, It Was There, And Then It Wasn't.
Gone.
At This Point, It Could Be Anywhere.
Anywhere? Anywhere.
Well, It's A Good Thing Janelle Has Gps.
She Knows Where We Are.
In Hell.
And You Know What? We Kind Of Hit It Off.
"Hit It Off"? With My Wife? If We Did It Like This When We Were Married, We Might Still Be Married.
- Oh, He's Cute.
- Who's That? Terrence Hill -- Hates Duncan.
- I Have Dinner Plans.
- Who Is He? It's The Englishman With The Aston Martin.
Stay Away From Her.
- Her? - Lisbeth.
And The Company's All Yours.
- Were You Having An Affair With Him? - Yes.
But It Wasn't A Mistake At All, Was It? - What Are You Talking About? - Just Stop.
No More Lies.
I Want A Divorce.
You Got A Knobber From A Tranny? Hey, I'm Just Glad That Dontrelle Business Is Behind Us Once And For All.
- Whoa, What's This? - It's An Address Book.
Bet There Are A Few People Who'd Love To Get Their Hands On This.
I Am So Sorry, Hon.
No, I Know.
No, It Is All My Fault.
As I Said Before, I Couldn't Be Sorrier.
Yeah.
Thank You.
I Love You, Too.
Bye-Bye.
Now What'd You Do? Absolutely No Idea.
What Do You Mean? Well, Janelle Hasn't Told Me Yet.
But Every Time I Hear That "We Need To Talk" Tone In Her Voice, I Figure, A Preemptive Apology Couldn't Hurt.
So, James, Quick.
Regale Me With Stories About Your Life As A Newly Single Man.
Well, I'm Actually Not Sure What My Favorite Part Is.
Um, Waking Up In A Cold Sweat As I Replay My Failed Marriage, Or Missing My Kids.
You Really Need To Work On Your Regaling.
It Gets Easier, You Know.
- Yeah? When? - Hard To Say.
When Lisbeth And I Split, I Was A Mess.
Tears, Soul-Searching.
My Second Divorce, Not So Much.
It Was Like An Outpatient Procedure.
Back Out There Within Hours.
Two Weeks Ago, I Was A Happily Married Man.
Now, You Know What, I'm Not So Sure I'm Comfortable Being The "Single Guy.
" That's Why You Have Us.
Who's The Joker Who Drives This? That Would Be You.
What's This? What's This -- You Guys Bought Me A Ferrari? Relax.
We're Rich, Not Crazy.
- It's A Lease.
- But Why? I Don't Get It.
We Figured Since You're Single Again, It Might Cheer You Up.
Maybe Loosen A Few Skirts For You.
But A Ferrari? Does It Come With A Toupee And A Troy Wife? Come On.
Shut Up And Drive.
If You Put It Like That.
Woo.
Not To Be A Buzzkill, But Please Note, All Incidentals Are Charged To My Platinum Card.
What? What?! There Goes Our Boy.
There Goes My Good-Driver Discount.
Hey, Honey, I'm Home.
Just Stopped By To Change On My Way Wendy, Honey, It's Me.
What's Wrong? Nothing's Wrong.
Wendy, You're Locked Inside, Weeping.
Obviously, Something's Wrong.
Please Go Away, Karl! I Can't Talk To You About This! Can't Talk To Me? Sweetie, I'm Your Husband.
Who Else Would You Talk To At A Time Like This? Where's My Baby? Your Baby? I May Have Been Your Mistress Once, But Now, I'm Her Best Friend.
Where Is She? She's In A Very Delicate State! I'm Not Really Sure She Wants To See Anybody! Wendy? Wendy, Honey, It's Me, Marla.
I Got Here As Fast As I Could.
Be A Doll And Get Us Some Lunch.
Do Me A Favor.
Why Don't You Tell Me What I'm Doing Here? I'd Like To Offer You A Job.
A Job? Your Mother Says You Have Enormous Potential.
And, Coincidentally, You'd Be Screwing My Father Out Of An Intern.
I Assure You, This Has Nothing To Do With Your Father.
When I Say That To My Shrink, He Doesn't Believe It, Either.
The Truth Is, I'm Always On The Lookout For Bright Young People.
Of Course, There'd Be A Raise, And Unless You're Caught Snorting Copier Fluid A Junior Executive Placement Within Six Months.
People Get Ahead In This Business By Seizing Opportunities, And Unless You Have Your Heart Set On Fetching Your Father Mochaccinos For The Next Two Years, You Might Be Served By Seizing Yours.
The New Face Of Reveal's Junior Line Needs To Be Unlike Anyone Out There.
She Should Be Edgy Without Being Unapproachable.
Though, The Kind Of Girl Who Can Turn Heads On The Subway In Jeans And A White T-Shirt And Still Knock Themead At A Museum Opening Hooky? And Still Knock Themead At A Museum Opening And Still Knock Themead At A Museum Opening Withn Evening Gown.
So, You Got Up Here A Question Mark For The Face.
Definitely.
Time? Place? We Don't Know Exactly The Type We're Looking For Yet.
We Don't Know Exactly The Type We're Looking For Yet.
That's What We're Gonna Decide Today.
Now.
Yours.
So, We're Gonna Look At Different Types -- So, We're Gonna Look At Different Types -- I'm Sorry, Everyone.
I Completely Forgot I Had A Doctor's Appointment.
Mr.
Collinsworth, It's Vital We Make A Decision About The Type Of Girl We Want -- Straight Teeth, Clear Skin, Perky Breasts.
They're Called Models.
Where You Been? Where Are You Going? I Have A Doctor's Appointment.
And I Just Came From One.
Take Notes.
I'll Be Back Soon.
Goodie! Karl's Having An Affair? Are You Sure? Of Course, He's Denied It For Weeks, And, True, Lately He Seems To Be Making More Of An Effort, But The Way He'd Been Acting -- Distant And Secretive.
What Other Explanation Could There Be? But An Affair.
That's A Little Dramatic, Isn't It? You See That's Why I Love You, Marla.
You're Completely Oblivious To Karl's Animal Magnetism.
Animal What? The Fact Is, Women Are Just Drawn To Him.
Not Necessarily Women You'd Find Smart Or Attractive Or Even Presentable, For That Matter.
I Get The Gist.
Anyway, Karl Had Me Convinced I Was Losing My Mind.
That's When I Knew I Needed Proof.
So I Hired A Private Investigator.
A Private Investigator? He Dropped Off A Flash Drive With Pictures This Morning.
Said I Would Find Them Very Interesting.
And Did You? The Truth Is, I Haven't Had The Courage To Look.
I Love Karl, Warts And All.
Am I Really Ready To Say Goodbye To The Life I've Known For The Last 12 Years? That's Very Mature Of You, Wendy.
And You Know What? Let Me Hang On To These Pictures For You.
Until You're Emotionally Ready.
Really? You Need Time To Prepare Yourself.
And In The Meantime, We Don't Want Anything To Happen To These, Do We? You Are Such A Good Friend, Marla.
But I Know Exactly Where I'm Gonna Keep Them.
There's Something About Zipping You Up That Never Gets Old.
Yeah? Well, That Zipper Just Cost Me Three Showings Of The Mckenna House.
What Can I Say? I Can't Keep My Hands Off You.
Remind Me -- Why Didn't We Have This Problem When We Were Married? Because While We Were Married, Your Zipper Was The Problem.
Ah-Ha.
Well, Then, Maybe It's Time I Made Up For It.
Duncan, Don't, Don't.
No, No, No, No, No.
Don't.
Okay, Do.
Gross.
We've Just Been Outed By Our Daughter.
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Com==- Big Shots 103/Font Font Color=#4096d1-=ÃÃÃÃÃÃÃÃÄ»Ãé=- ·ÂÃë: ãÃ: ñ¼äÃá:Abbiemcgee/Font Mid-Life Crisis Or Divorce? Oh, That Obvious, Huh? I've Been There.
First Stage Is Always The Hardest.
There Are Stages? First Stage -- Wondering If You're Gonna Survive.
Second Stage -- Wondering If You're Gonna Spend The Rest Of Your Life Alone.
And Third Stage -- Wondering Why You Didn't Get A Divorce Sooner.
Yeah.
Sara Cross.
Twins, First Grade.
James Walker.
Son In The Second Grade, Daughter In Kindergarten.
Look, I-I Don't Know What You're Going Through, But If You Ever Need Help With The Kids, Or Just Someone To Tell You What A Webkinz Is That's My Number.
Thanks.
Daddy! Daddy! Hey! Come Here, Guys.
Aw, How Was Your Day? - Good.
- Have You Grown Since Yesterday? Come On, Let's Go.
Wow, Nice Car.
Oh, Come On, Cam, It's Not That Bad.
I Am Doing The Walk Of Shame With My Mother.
Yeah, It's That Bad.
It's Just You're Smart And Beautiful.
Of All The Guys In The City, Why Do You Have To Be Sleeping With Him? Okay, First Of All, He Is Your Father.
And Secondly, I'm A Grown Woman.
I Am Capable Of Making My Own Decisions, And If I Want To Have Sex With Your Father, I Will.
Okay, Awkward.
Karl, Come On, Before It Gets Dark, Okay? Ugh.
This Is An Ugly Game He Plays.
So, Word On The Street Is You Got Your First Number.
Uh, Not My First.
My First Since 1987.
So, Who's The Lucky Lady? Her Name's Sara.
I Met Her On The Pick-Up Line At School.
She's One Of The Moms.
I'm Sorry, Did You Just Say "One Of The Moms"? Yeah, She's Got Twins In The First Grade.
Listen, I'm Sure She's Great, But You're Needy And Vulnerable.
Those Are Powerful Emotions For Women.
Are You Sure You Want To Squander Them On The Soccer Mom? What? She's Nice.
She Understands What I'm Going Through.
I'm Sure She Is, And I'm Sure Someday That's Theype Of Woman You Ought To Settle Down With.
But A Man Is Single, What, Two, Three Times Over The Course Of His Lifetime.
You Need To Broaden Your Horizons.
See What's Out There Beyond The Pta.
Yeah, And How Do You Propose I Do That? 15 Years Ago When You Got Married, We Threw You A Bachelor Party.
What You Need Is A Re-Bachelor Party For Your Re-Entry Into The World Of Being Single.
But A Re-Bachelor Party? Well, You Guys Have Talked About This, Haven't You? Well, Think Of It As A New Beginning, And What Better Way To Mark A Life-Changing Event Than With A Party With Some Of The Top Models In New York City? Models.
Well, When You Put It That Way.
Where The Hell You Been? We've Been Talking About His Party.
Oh, Great.
Um, Actually, I Got News For You.
Dontrelle Got Arrested? Friday Night In Washington Heights.
At Least, That's What My Contact At The 22nd Precinct Said.
Routine Solicitation Bust.
If It's Routine, What's The Problem? Well, Let Me Finish.
Amongst The Other Surprises That The Arresting Officer Found In Dontrelle's Shorts Was A Little Black Book With The Names Of All Of Her Johns.
All Of Them? Including Me? That Would Be The Assumption.
You Okay, Duncan? Listen, I Hoped I Never Had To Tell You This, But That Night I Pulled Into The Truck Stop, The Night I Hook Up With Dontrelle Yeah? Well, Before We, You Know, Completed Our Transaction, She Asked Me My Name, And If There Was One Thing I Knew, It Was Not To Give Her My Real Name.
- Well, That's Good Thinking.
- You'd Think So, Right.
The Problem Is, It Was Late, And I Was Tired.
So I Gave Her The First Name I Came Up With.
Which Was? Yours.
Sorry.
I Paniced.
My Mind Went Blank.
Except, Apparently, For My Name! Janelle's Gonna Blow A Gasket When She Finds Out.
My Name Is In The Little Black Book Of A Transsexual Hooker.
How Am I Gonna Tell Her? My Suggestion? Over Drinks.
Why The Hell Would You Tell Janelle? She's Gonna Find Out.
How? I Don't Know How.
She Just Will.
The Woman's Got Intelligence-Gathering Techniques The Cia Could Learn From.
No Offense, But If This Gets Out, My Career Is Over.
Not Only That, My Severance Package Has A Morality Clause.
My Stock Options, Pension, All Of It Will Be Gone.
Well, Lucky For You, I Know The Guy That Runs The Evidence Lock-Up In The 22nd Precinct.
So I Will Pay Him A Visit.
That's What A Good Friend Does.
One Misguided Night With A Tranny, And It Haunts You For Life.
At This Point, My Relationship With Dontrelle Has Lasted Longer Than My Second Marriage.
What Is It About Men That Makes Them Think That The Answer To All Life's Problems Is A Frat Party? Go Easy On Them.
It's Their Way Of Being There For Me.
Well, I Just Don't Understand Why Duncan Couldn't Have You Guys Over For Coffee.
It'd Give You A Chance To Really Share And Express Your Feelings.
Why? 'Cause We're Not On "The View," That's Why.
Look, I'm A 38-Year-Old Single Man Who Hasn't Been Single Since He Was 18 And Doesn't Know If He Wants To Be Single Now.
So What's The Harm In Blowing Off Some Steam For A Couple Hours, Pretending That This Isn't The Hardest Thing I've Ever Been Through In My Life? You Women Talk About Your Feelings.
We Pretend We Don't Have Any.
But It Doesn't Mean We Don't Hurt As Much As You.
Wow.
With A Rap Like That, You Should Be On "The View.
" She Has Pictures.
Pictures? What Kind Of Pictures? The Kind That End Marriages, Karl, And Best Friendships.
Okay.
Don't Panic.
Don't Panic.
We Can Fix This.
We Just Need To Get Our Hands On Them.
So, Where Are They? I Don't Know.
All Wendy Said She Was Gonna Hide Them In Her Special Spot.
Her Special Spot? Where's That? Karl, You've Been Married To Wendy For 12 Years.
You Don't Know Where Her Special Spot Is? Sorry, No.
Well, That Wouldn't Be The First Special Spot You've Missed.
Come On, Karl, Think.
Could This Special Spot Have Something To Do With Her Interests? A Hobby, Maybe? Well, I Know She Likes Oprah.
I Know That.
And She Seems To Enjoy Our Trips To The Poconos.
And She Once Said Something About Chinese Cooking Lessons.
My God.
You Don't Know Your Wife At All, Do You? What, You Think You Know Her So Well? Better Than You.
Right.
Wendy And I May Have Grown Apart, But I Can Assure You There's No One Who Knows More About Her Than I Do.
Okay.
All Right, Let's See.
When Wendy Was A Little Girl, She Dreamed Of Being A Ballerina.
She Did? She Spent That Summer Abroad Studying The Renaissance Artists In Florence.
Florence? Italy? And She Has A Continuing Passion For Classical Music.
What, You Mean, Like, Mozart? Which Means It Should Be Right Over Here.
Oh, That Special Spot.
Sure.
I'm Sorry, Brody.
I Can't Help You, Buddy.
Yes, Frank, You Can Help Me.
You Can Take One Little Black Book From The Evidence Room.
Hey, Keep Your Voice Down.
These Things With The Wheels And The Little Red Lights Are Police Cars, All Right? Look, My Friend's Willing To Pay, Okay? Enough So That Next Christmas, You're Not Gonna Need A Part-Time Security Job.
It's Not Worth It, Brody.
I Got A Family.
I'm Not Gonna Risk Losing My Pension Because I Get Caught Taking A Bribe.
Nobody's Getting Caught.
You Have No Idea How Much Money I'm Talking About Here.
My Friend Is The C.
E.
O.
Of Reveal Cosmetics.
The Guy Sweats Cash.
Reveal? Oh, Man.
My Oldest Girl, She's Got This Real Thing For Their Lip Gloss, You Know.
It's Good Gloss.
Yeah, She's Really Into Makeup.
And She's Good.
I Mean, She's Always Doing Herself Up Like Those Girls In The Magazine Ads.
You Know, Maybe There Is A Conversation We Can Have.
Duncan Collinsworth, Are You Ready To Meet The New Junior Face Of Reveal? Miss Portia O'connell, The Lovely Daughter Of Officer Frank O'connell, Nypd.
She Gets Her Looks From Her Mother.
I So Don't Look Like Either Of Them.
Okay, Um, You Need To Get Off Me.
Could You Be More Embarrassing? Portia, Really Great To Meet You.
Could You Excuse Us For A Second? Sure.
You Said She Was A Young Heidi Klum.
Yeah.
I Lied.
- She Is Young, Though.
- This Is Insane.
Look, I Tried To Convince Her Father To Just Take Money, But He Was More Interested In Helping His Daughter Fulfill Her Lifelong Dream -- To Be A Model.
A Model Of What? Look, You Want Him To Get That Book For You? This Is What He Wants.
How Am I Supposed To Sell Her As The New Face Of The Junior Line? From Very Far Away? Duncan? Hi.
I Was Hoping To Talk To You For A Minute.
Yeah, We're Kind Of In The Middle Of Something Here.
No, I Will Entertain The Troops.
Actually, That's What I Wanted To Talk To You About.
I Mean, Seems You've Got Lot Going On These Days, And I Thought If You Gave Me A Little More Responsibility, I Might Really Be Able To Help You.
Cam, You Really Want To Help? Get Me A Cup Of Coffee And A Couple Of Xanax.
Right.
Running Errands.
My Specialty.
Um, Officer O'connell Thinksit'd Be A Go To Do Some Test Shots To Make Sure That We're All On The Same Page About His Daughter's Image.
Hi, I'm Calling For Terrence Hill.
It's Cameron Collinsworth.
A Toast To Duncan For Letting Us Use His Place.
And To James, On The Occasion Of His Re-Bachelor Party.
Great Party, Duncan.
Oh, God, This Is Crazy.
I Mean, I Cannot Believe The Day Has Finally Come That I Am Once Again Intimidated By 25-Year-Old Girls.
You Know What You Got To Do? That Old Public-Speaking Thing Where You Pretend They're In Their Underwear.
Uh, Yeah, Somehow, I Don't Think That's Gonna Work.
My Advice -- Live It Up While You Can.
You Never Know When It's All Gonna Come To A Screeching Halt.
Okay, I'm Going In.
Attaboy.
Just Do Me A Favor, Okay.
Promise Me You Won't Let Me Drink Too Much, Call The Ex-Wife, Or Show Family Pictures.
Done.
You Got Our Word.
He's A Mess.
It's Sad, Really.
That's Dashiel.
He's 8.
And Sama She's 5.
- They're Beautiful.
- Thanks.
So, Pretty Cool Of Your Friends To Throw You This Party.
What's The Occasion? Uh, It's My, Uh, What's The My Re-Bachelor Party.
Re-Bachelor Party? Yeah, I'm Getting A Divorce, And It's Been A While Since I've Been On The Dating Scene, So Me Too.
My Last Boyfriend And I Broke Up, Like, Two Weeks Ago.
You Don't Think These Women Are A Little Age-Inappropriate? Oh, Come On.
These Are Some Of Reveal's Top Contract Girls.
- They're Not So Young.
- Not So Young? I Saw Two Of Them In The Guest Bedroom Cramming For A Math Test.
Hey, You Made It! Where Were You? You Were Supposed To Be Here An Hour Ago.
I Need Help.
You Know, Other People Brought Wine.
Please, The Fate Of My Marriage Rests Inside This Thing.
- I'm At A Party.
-Brody.
- I Don't Want To.
- Please! All Right.
Happy Re-Bachelor Party.
Thanks.
She Seemed To Like You, Buddy.
Yeah, Of Course She Liked Me.
She Probably Wanted Me To Buy Her Beer.
Hey, What About Her? She's Looking Right At You.
Geesh.
Come On, She Seems Like A Nice Girl.
Don't Overthink It.
Go.
You Are Cheating On Your Mistress With Your Secretary? No, She's An Amateur Palm Reader.
She Was Studying My Lifeline.
Really.
Brody, I Have Asthma, Acid Reflux, And O.
C.
D.
You Really Think I Could Be Sleeping With Three Women? I Can't Believe You Were Sleeping With Two.
Okay, So If This Is All There Is, Why Not Just Tell Wendy The Truth? Because It's Not Wendy I'm Worried About.
It's Marla.
I Don't Understand.
All Right.
Marla Was Always Accusing Me Of Being Attracted To My Secretary.
If She Sees This, It'll Confirm Her Worst Fears.
And You Know How Crazy She Is.
If She Thinks I Was Cheating On Her, She'll Tell Wendy I Was Cheating On HerWith Her.
Seriously, What Did Your Mother Do To You? Believe Me, You Don't Have The Time.
I Know It Sounds Crazy, But It's Taking My Mistress To Help Me Remember How Great My Wife Is.
And Now That I Have, I Won't Let Anything Spoil It.
Okay, I've Got A Guy.
He'll Work A Little Photoshop Magic, And You'll Be Back To Not Sleeping With Only Two Women In No Time.
Thank You.
Hi.
Look, You Know, Full Disclosure.
Up Until Two Weeks Ago, I Was Married.
But Then My Wife, She Slipped, And She Fell On My Boss's Penis.
Anyway, He Died.
Not Related To The Sex, Of Course.
So, I'm On The Road To Divorce, Pretending Like My Life Is Not Completely Blown Apart.
But Because I Have Three Really Great Friends Who Threw Me This Great Party, I'm Here.
Actually, See That Guy Up There, - The One That's Staring At Us Right Now? - Mm-Hmm.
That's One Of My Friends.
And I Really Want Him Off My Back.
And I'm Pretty Sure You Want Me Off Yours.
So, I'll Make You A Deal.
If You Can Laugh At Me Right Now Like I'm The Funniest Guy You've Ever Met And Then Give Me Your Phone Number, I Promise You, I Swear, Hand To God, I Will Never Use It.
Or We Could Just Get Out Of Here.
There He Goes.
I'm So Proud Of Him.
It Seems Like Just Last Week, We Were Helping Him Negotiate His Divorce.
It Was Last Week.
All Right, Thanks.
No, I'll See You There.
That Was Our Cop Friend.
His Daughter Is Really Looking Forward To The Photo Shoot.
Apparently, She's On An All-Liquid Diet.
Me Too.
Excuse Me.
Look, I Don't Mean To Be Presumptuous, But I'm Married.
Congratulations.
You're Also Blocking The Bar.
Let Me Get This Straight.
The Last Time You Were On A Date, There Were No Cellphones? Nope.
- No Iernet? - No.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
I Think We Can Both Agree That It Was A Long Time Ago.
Well, This Is Me.
Are You Sure You Want To Call It A Night? I Know A Great Little Bar Around The Corner.
Oh, I'm Sorry.
I Have An Early Day Tomorrow.
So, We Should Should What? Go Inside.
"Inside"? Oh, I-I'm Sorry.
I'm Confused.
I Thought You Just Said You Had An Early Dayomorrow.
I Do.
So If We're Gonna Have Sex, We Better Get On It.
Oh, Do You Have Any Oh, Never Mind.
I Have Plenty.
You Didn't Sleep With Her? No.
I Didn't Sleep With Her.
Oh, Man.
How Could You Not? He Didn't Sleep With Her.
We Heard.
The Woman Had More Protection Than Private Ryan.
When Did Women Become So Aggressive? I Don't Know.
Sometime Between Woodstock And The Fall Of The Berlin Wall, I Think.
It's 2007, James.
It's Evolution.
Women Have Had To Compete With Us For So Long, They've Become Us.
But Cuter.
Whatever Happened To The Three-Date Rule? You're Going On The First Date, You See If You Like Each Other.
And Then On The Second Date, You Decide If The First Date Wasn't A Complete Disaster.
On The Third Date, You Close The Deal.
That's How It Works.
That's How It Used To Work.
Ah, Progress.
Don't Look At Me.
I Never Knew How It Worked.
It's The High-Speed Age.
Nobody Waits For Anything Anymore.
It's All About Instant Gratification.
Instant Credit, Instant Access.
- Instant Message.
- Lisbeth? Ah, Her Meeting Canceled.
She's Got An Hour To Kill.
Man, That's Twice In One Week.
Three Times, If You Count Our Day-Night Doubleheader On Monday.
Wow, Three Times? Looks Like Someone Might Be Interested In A Little More Than Just Sex.
No, Lisbeth Is Totally Cool With Our Arrangement.
I Don't Think He Was Talking About Lisbeth.
What? What Are You Talking About? Me? You Think I Want More? No.
Trust Me.
Everything's Perfect.
I'm Just Saying.
Sometimes Instant Isn't As Good As The Real Thing.
- Why Are Women So Aggressive? - Mm-Hmm.
'Cause It's A Man's World, James, And We've Had To Keep Up.
And What Better Way To Keep Up Than To Play By Your Rules? You've Done More Than Just Keep Up.
I Mean, At This Point, We're Almost Obsolete.
You Guys Are So Funny.
If We're Barefoot And Pregnant, Then You're Bored.
If We're Confident And Corporate, Then You're Threatened.
Look, At This Point, I Would Settle For A Woman Who Does Not Buy Her Condoms In Bulk, Okay? I Promise You, There Are Some Good Ones Still Out There Actually, I Did Meet Someone Really Nice The Other Day At The Kids' School.
Hmm, Really? Mm-Hmm.
Well Gonna Call Her? In This Day And Age, I'm Surprised She Hasn't Called Me.
Well, That's The One Thing That Hasn't Changed.
Hmm, Great.
If We Keep Meeting Like This, I'm Gonna Have To File For Unemployment.
Or Start Paying Rent.
Can I Ask You Something? What Are We Doing Here? I Think You Know What We're Doing Here.
Anat A Very Impressive Rate, I Might Add.
No, I Mean, Us.
This.
What Is It, Exactly? What Are You Saying, Duncan? I Don't Know.
But We've Been Through A Lot Together, Lizzy.
A Marriage, Kid.
A Mediator, Divorce Lawyer.
Never Would Have Thought That My Relationship With My Ex Would Be The Least Complicated Part Of My Life.
Listen, Duncan, The Reason Why This Works, You And Me, It's Because It's About All The Good Things.
The Chase.
Mystery.
Excitement.
And As Soon As One Of Us Wants Anything More, I Think We Both Know What Will Happen.
You Sure About That? Yeah, I'm Sure.
You Were Right.
We Have Been Through An Awful Lot Together.
And We Weren't Very Good At Any Of It.
But This This We're Good At.
You're Right.
And Lucky For Us, Very Good.
Well, I Better Run.
Off To A Photo Shoot.
I'm Not Gonna Lose You To One Of Your Models, Am I? Oh, No Chance Of That.
She's A Real Beauty, Don't You Think? Oh, She's A Beauty, All Right.
So, We Have A Deal, Right? You're Gonna Get Me That Book? You're A Man Of Your Word.
I'm A Man Of Mine.
You'll Get That Book.
But, Hey, Watch This.
Hey, Sweetie, Do That Little Spin Move Yo Do.
Low Blood Sugar.
She Hasn't Eaten In Three Days.
Attagirl! Cam, The New Junior Face Of Reveal Needs Some Carbs.
Cam? Great.
Karl! Marla? What Are You Doing In Here? What Are You Doing Here? Wendy Just Called, Said She's Gonna Look At Those Pictures After She Gets Home From Her Neighborhood-Watch Meeting This Afternoon.
This Afternoon? You Said You Re Meeting Her Tonight.
Well, Plans Change, Karl.
She Can't Stand The Waiting Anymore.
Unlike Me, She's A Very High-Strung Woman.
Steam Room's Closed! Beat It, Goldilocks! Karl, If She Realizes That The Flashdrive Is Missing, Relax.
The Photos Have Been Doctored.
Not A Trace Of You Anywhere.
Really? Are You Sure? Brody Took Care Of It.
So All You Need To Do Is To Replace The Drive Before She Gets Home.
- Come On.
It's In My Locker.
- Okay.
Actually, Maybe You Should Wait Here.
Fewer Naked Men.
What's The Matter, Terrence? Couldn't Get My Wife, So You're Going After My Daughter? I Simply Recognize An Undervalued Asset.
Made A Fair Offer.
Except She's Not An Undervalued Asset.
She's My Kid.
Quite A Few Undervalued Assets In Your Life, Duncan.
Cameron.
Lisbeth.
Wait A Second.
We Had A Deal.
I Walked Away From Jailbait, And You Walked Away From Lisbeth.
Don't Worry, I Have No Intention Of Pursuing Her.
I'm Confident It Won't Be Necessary.
- What? - I Won't Have To, Duncan.
Maybe It'll Be Another Woman.
Maybe You'll Just Get Bored.
Whatever The Perverse Circumstance, One Thing I'm Fairly Certain Of Is You Will Screw It Up All On Your Own.
Good Night, Duncan.
No, I Just -- I Just Keep Thinking Back To When We Were Together As A Family, And Wondering How We're Not Anymore.
Oh, I Remember That.
It Took Me Six Months To Stop Expecting My Ex To Come Home For Dinner At 6:00.
And Just When I Think I've Begun To Accept It, I Realize That My Kids Haven't Even Started.
The Other Day, My Youngest Asked Why I Don't Love Mommy Anymore.
What Did You Say? I Said, "It's Hard To Love A Lying Adulteress.
" That Was The Right Answer, Don't You Think? Definitely.
You Don't Want To Coddle Them.
No.
I've Had A Really Nice Time.
Thanks For Having Me Over.
Not A Problem.
It's Nice To Talk To Someone Who's On The Other Side Of It.
Oh, God, I'm Probably Gonna Regret This In Half A Second, But I Guess Being On The Other Side Of It Makes It Easy To Spot Someone Who's Not, Right? And I Was Hoping That You Weren't Gonna Bring It Up Till The Morning.
Yeah, You And Me Both.
Okay, So, This Time I'm Gonna Let You Off Easy.
But Once You're Ready, I Better Be Your First Call.
Absolutely.
Ready? Ready.
My Husband Is Gay.
Mr.
Mixworthy Have You Anything To Say? He's A Palm Reader.
Seriously.
This Is How You Manage A Crisis? I'm Sorry.
I Had My Hands Full.
When I Told My Guy To Get Rid Of The Girl In The Picture, I Did Not Think That He Was Gonna Replace Her With A Man.
Hey, Look On The Bright Side.
At Least Wendy Didn't Find Out About Your Affair.
Great.
Instead, She Thinks I'm Gay.
Well, ???.
Just Take Her Out For A Romantic Night, It'll All Blow Over.
I Tried.
But When I Got Tickets To "Wicked," She Just Cried Harder.
Man, Sometimes I Wish Our Wives Just Came With An Owner's Manual.
You Know What? It's Not That Easy Being Single, Either.
I Mean, At Least When I Was Married, I Was James Walker, Husband And Father.
And Now That I'm Single Again, I -- I Don't Know Who I Am.
A Little Secret? None Of Us Do.
Some Of Us Just Fake It Better Than Others.
Sometimes I Think Everything I Want Was Everything I Already Had.
Of Course, If I Ever Got Lisbeth Back, I'd Probably Screw It Up All Over Again.
I'll Tell You One Way To Screw It Up For Sure.
How? Waste Your Time Telling Us How You Feel About Her.
Instead Of Telling Her.
Quick, Somebody Talk About Baseball Before They Kick Us Out Of The Men's Steam Room! Duncan? Hey.
Okay, Let Me Guess.
Horny Or Depressed? A Little Bit Of Both, I Guess.
You're Predictable.
Come On.
We Have To Make It Quick.
I Have Dinner In An Hour.
Actually, I Don't Want To Come In.
Duncan Collinsworth Turning Down Sex.
Hmm.
Wait A Minute, Am I Being Punked? I Think We Should Do This.
This? You.
Me.
Together.
Again.
And I Don't Mean Just Sex.
I Want To Take You To Dinner.
Duncan, We Haven't Been To Dinner Together In Five Years.
And If I Remember Correctly, You Drank Too Much, And You Couldn't Take Your Eyes Off The Waitress.
Only Because She Was Late With My Drinks.
Weren't You The One Who Told Me That Dinner Was Just Foreplay? Yeah.
But You And I Could Use A Little Foreplay.
The Same For Me Goodbye, My Almost Lover Goodbye, My Hopeless Dream I'm Trying Not To Think About You Can't You Just Let Me Be? Next Friday Night At 8:00? 8:00.
Good.
My Back Is Turned On You Should've Known You'd Bring Me Heartache Almost Lovers Always Do Oh, Boy.
Why Didn't You Tell Me About Terrence's Offer? You Can Relax, Duncan.
I Turned It Down.
"Turned It Down"? Why? Sounded Like A Good Deal.
Because, Duncan, You May Be A Self-Absorbed Narcissist But You're Still My Father.
Listen, I've Been Thinking.
I Can't Promote You Yet, But Maybe We Can Find A Few Extra Things For You To Do Around Here.
Really? Why? Because You're A Smart-Mouthed, Over-Entitled Dropout But You're Still My Daughter.
What Happened To The Ferrari? You Didn't Wreck It, Did You? My Platinum Card.
I Didn't Wreck It.
I Just Traded It For Something That's A Little More Dated? Me.
Got It.
Look, Guys, As Much As I Didn't Want To Face It, I Know I'm Single Now.
I'm Just Gonna Have To Do It In My Own Way, In My Own Time.
Yeah, That's -- That's Mure.
Boring As Hell.
- But Mature.
- Right.
Hey, We Got A Long Drive.
We Got To Go.
What's Going On? We've Got A Little Business To Attend To.
My Life Is Over.
Can I Ask You Something? Does This Shirt Look Gay? What? Yeah, Sweetie.
Yes, I Am In An Alley.
Yeah.
Well, It's Like I Told You.
Yeah.
No, No, No.
Don't Wait Up For Me.
Okay, I Love You, Too, Beautiful.
Bye, Hon.
How Did She Know You Were In An Alley? Well, I Finally Broke It To Her About The Book.
And? And She Was Okay With It.
She Even Got Me A Gift.
New Cellphone With Advanced Gps Tracking.
So, From Now On, Janelle Can Follow Me Wherever I Go So She Doesn't Have To Worry About Me Getting In Trouble.
Or Having Any Personal Freedom Whatsoever.
Right, That Too.
Hey, Hey, Hey.
Here He Is.
Here He Is.
- Hey.
- Hey, Hey! Look What We Got Here.
Print Mock-Up.
The New Junior Face Of Reveal.
She Is Gonna Stop Traffic.
Yeah, That's Great.
Listen, I Got To Tell You Guys Something.
When I Went To The Evidence Room This Morning To Look For That Book, It Was Gone.
What Do You Mean, "Gone"? I Mean, It Was There, And Then It Wasn't.
Gone.
At This Point, It Could Be Anywhere.
Anywhere? Anywhere.
Well, It's A Good Thing Janelle Has Gps.
She Knows Where We Are.
In Hell.