Big Shots (2007) s01e07 Episode Script
Who's your daddy?
Previously on "big shots" I want to have a baby.
Marla's going to be our surrogate.
My eggs aren't viable.
She's gonna have to get pregnant the old-fashioned way.
Alex mason -- you trashed me on basic cable and now you're calling to confirm our date? That was business,and what I'm talking about is pleasure.
Zack wells.
Duncan collinsworth.
This is who you hired? We've got something in common.
Duncan's my dad,too.
I'm with terrence now.
Exclusively.
Will you marry me again? I'm happy to report that lisbeth accepted my proposal.
Wait.
Stop,stop,stop,stop.
Quiet now.
You don't want to alarm them.
Ah,the northeastern aspiring trophy wife.
They don't usually travel in packs.
It must be a difficult hunting season.
Yes,they do look hungry.
See? I'm better off without lisbeth.
Being with her required constant effort.
Full-time job.
Trying to be something I'm not.
- Monogamous? - Exactly.
One woman equals work.
I came so close to forgetting the fundamental principle of my life -- being me is fun as hell.
- Hi!Oliver! - Katie.
See you later.
Wasn't that good? James,this gainfully employed,straight adonis is oliver davenport, my lunch date and my boyfriend.
Nice to meet you.
Tell me it's not her birthday.
Oh,no,no.
You're good.
This is just a running joke.
Yeah,when I first started working here, I dated this guy that sent me the most enormous, embarrassing bouquet of balloons for my first day of work.
So,as an anniversary of sorts, I make it a personal goal of mine to out-humiliateatie every year.
Last year,my office was filled with rockettes.
So,no balloons? No rockettes? No cage dancers.
There goes lunch.
I'll be back for the 2:30 call.
- Oh,hey.
- Yeah? I think I like him a lot more than balloon guy.
So do I.
Aw,now I feel guilty for thinking your girlfriend's a bitch.
Uh,just kidding We have a few concerns about the upcoming meeting with nadia's expert beauty.
"Concerns"? Yes,it's a beauty-supply chain, but it's not like they're selling watermelon lip gloss at 3 for $1.
Every line they carry has had a 25% sales increase.
You don't understand.
The board feels that someone else might be better suited to negotiate with nadia.
Nadia striker is notoriously conservative.
We've heard that she's already expressed concerns about doing business with someone of your personal reputation.
I'll take her to dinner,bring my loving daughter, wear my father-of-the-year sweater-vest.
It'll be fine.
Do you need me to quote proverbs,or can we get back to work? Fresh from my storage facility,or, as I like to call it,the trunk of my car.
Well,I'd help you look, but I don't want to stumble on your stash of "perfect 10.
" How did you know I keep my birth certificate with my porn? Well,it's like we have one brain.
We must be related.
You know,pretding to be my half brother is quite an elaborate rejection.
You could have just said you liked guys.
Ah,you would have tried to turn me.
Pretty healthy self-esteem you got there,bro.
Yeah? Well,I wonder where I get it from.
You still think I'm pretending? Oh,my god.
You're an aries.
Look,promise me that you're not gonna say anything.
No,I'll let you drop that bomb.
You are telling him,zack.
Look,I -- I've been waiting for this moment my whole life.
You know,I mean,I can't just tell him.
I want him to like me first.
You know,I want to make it at reveal on my own merits, not because I'm the boss' son.
Okay,seriously,being duncan's offspring has no perks whatsoever.
I want to make it at reveal just as much as you do, and the guy has me alphabetizing his junk mail.
Look,I-I have a plan,cam,you know.
The plan is for him to respect me and then I tell him, and,you know,then he's understandably thrilled.
Maybe you need to consider a plan "B.
" You're making orange chicken.
You are the perfect woman.
You're not still upset that I didn't sleep with your friend,are you? No.
Just disappointed.
Why do we have a picture of wilford brimley on our fridge? It's your cousin george's new baby.
Doesn't she look just like her father? Yes.
Oh,no.
Don't cry.
I'm sure she'll grow into her chins.
You know,that's the hardest part.
Yes,I wanted to have a baby for myself, but I really wanted to have your baby.
I wanted to look into a little,round face and see your smile your eyes.
I have horrible vision.
Your sense of humor.
You're really the only person who thinks I'm funny.
And now all this.
'S just going to end with you.
No more karl.
Okay.
You want more karl,you'll get more karl.
I don't want you to have a baby with a stranger, and marla's never going to be able to handle the in vitro.
- She can't do needles.
- I know.
I'll try and make a baby with marla the old-fashioned way.
For yoU for us.
For the world.
No more documentaries,okay? I feel a little weird making out with you while orphans are having a dance-off.
It was a spelling bee.
Wh can I see you again? Um,how's thursday dinner? Wait.
Is it wrong for me to put "late-night romp" in my pda? You knowactually,katie used to list her dates as karate,cello lessons.
She's got a new boyfriend now,right? Yeah,yeah.
He seems -- he seems great.
We should all go out sometime.
She hates me.
No,no,it's just that you and i can barely schedule a date for ourselves.
Well,I know how important she is to you.
I just want to get to know her.
Yeah,I just don't think katie's a big double-date kind of girl.
And,you know,she just started seeing oliver,so -- and she's in love with you.
What? There's always "the friend katie" that the guy's just a little too close to.
She doesn't want to befriend me because she doesn't want me to exist.
That's completely untrue.
I've known her forever.
We work together.
Oh,no.
Someone parked within 3 feet of your lexus.
Don't mock my love for my hybrid.
Oh,man,I've got a lot of competition for your affection.
Taxi! Oliver? Maybe it was his sister.
No.
They were making out.
Maybe he and katie have an understanding.
You never know.
No,I know katie.
Trust me.
There's no understandings.
Hey,we're talking about his good friend katie here,okay? She is emotionally invested in this guy.
Brody and his vagina think you should tell her.
I'm -- I'm gonna tell her.
I-I have to tell her.
I just have to pick the right time.
Like after they've broken up,and she's found somebody better.
I'll switch places with you.
I'll crush katie.
You sleep with my ex-mistress for my wife.
You have the strangest little life.
It's not funny.
When I broke the seal on my lust for marla, I never thought it would close back up.
I'm terrified to break it again.
She's like a drug.
I really feel for you,karl.
Man,that's a hell of a situation you're in.
You want to get to that favor you're gonna ask us, or are you gonna keep kissing our ass all day? There's no favor.
Well -- well,I was gonna ask if you guys minded if I invited janelle's father to golf with us tomorrow.
Oh,come on,guys.
He's in town getting an award.
Well,I can'T.
I got high tea with hitler.
I'm being impaled on a post.
I'm his ride.
All right,so,he's the antichrist,but he is janelle's father and she adores him.
Nobody said war was gonna be pretty,gentlemen,so I need to know -- who's in the foxhole with their friend and who's not? Not.
- Sorry.
- No.
You guys want to take a little more time with that? Okay,fine.
Tell alex tomorrow night at osteria del ducci.
Really? A double date? Well,oliver got this strange idea in his head that you like me.
What? Well,I guess he thinks I'm just so wonderful,how could you not? Oh,that must be it.
I think the best way to defuse the situation is for him to see you happy with your bitchy girlfriend.
Who thinks you're in love with me.
You're kidding.
Why is this happening now? It's what happens when men and women are friends.
We never had to worry about it before because you re married.
Oh,and tomorrow night,try not to look likeyou love me.
Working late? Oh,you do recognize work when you see it.
Good to know.
I need a favor.
You have to come to dinner with the tight-ass owner of nadia's expert beauty and lp convince her that I'm "father knows best.
" You kn,I knew I enjoyed irony,but this is just fun.
I understand this might require a ttle acting on your part.
Well,the good news is,if I twist an ankle,there is a possible understudy.
Um,we should talk.
proudly presents Big Shots Season01 Episode07 There has to be some sort of mistake.
I don't even recognize your mother's name.
And there's no way he had sex with a woman whose name he didn't know.
My mom,uh,tended bar at this dive in jersey city called scrappy'S.
She said that you -- you closed the place down one night and she gave you a ride home.
I think you're gonna have to narrow the field a bit more.
- Cam.
- What? It just doesn't sound like it's ringing any bells.
There are no bells to ring this is a mistake.
My mom was a really good dart player.
She'd do this thing where she'd con new customers into doubling her tip by betting them she could score a bull's-eye from behind the bar, and that's -- that's how she got her nickname.
Bullzee? You knocked up a jersey city bartender named bullzee? No,I'm sure I was one of about 10 guys she slept with that week.
Hey,you spend the night drinking kamikazes.
See how choosy you are.
Does the kid look like you? He's not my kid,karl.
Well,you're gonna have to get a paternity test.
His timing couldn't be any worse.
I got that deal with nadia's expert beauty coming up.
Hello,sports fans! Well,here comes the cardboard king of cleveland.
Well,all this place needs is a windmill and a snow-cone machine.
Hey,mr.
Cooper.
You remember the guys.
This is -- yeah,I remember.
I've only met them like 109 times,brody.
Uh,it's good to see you again,siR.
You're getting a divorce,huh? What'd you do? Oh,and you.
Learn how to shake a hand yet? No.
How do you do business with that dead fish for a paw? Oh,and then we have the pretty boy here.
Uh,you wearing your own eye shadow yet? All right,guys.
Let's go play some golf.
Can'T.
Meeting.
Can'T.
Lunch.
Can'T.
Lunch meeng.
Get my three-wood.
So,do we need to talk,or are we good? About my feelings of possibly having a brother? Only if you take me for ice cream and watch the sunset.
I'll wait until the paternity test comes back.
I don't like to expend emotion unnecessarily.
Well,we know whose daughter you are.
So,what do I need to know about this dinner with nadia? They want to be the next sephora,right? Well,you don't have to worry about that.
You just be charming,act like you adore me.
You're kind of making it hard.
Duncan,you need to take me seriously.
I'm here because I want to know about the business.
I want a career at reveal,outside of the mailroom.
Let's just get through this deal,and we'll talk,okay? Thank you.
Are you waiting for me to die? Your mother drank a lot when she was pregnant with you,huh? Janelle's really excited about the awards ceremony.
I want to talk to you about that.
Yeah,I got it.
You don't want me to go.
No.
I want you to give my introduction speech.
Really? Me? Well,don't start crying or anything,gertrude.
My friend bill was gonna do it.
He's having gallbladder surgery.
Johnny's on a cruise with his wife.
I could ask one of the neighbors, but I'm not paying to fly them out here.
I'm touched you asked me.
You see this golf ball? It's worth more than you.
Nixon gave me this ball.
You golfed with nixon? No.
We played badminton,and he gave me a golf ball.
Geez.
Are you going to give me room or do I have to swing with you riding piggyback? Are you gonna get that,or what? One hell of a house call,huh? Yeah.
So,you know,I heard about that deal with nadia'S.
That should be great for reveal.
Yeah.
I've read a lot about nadia.
She's annteresting woman.
Do you know she was a missionary? Where's this conversation going? Nowhere.
I just,uh,I just am really interested in the company.
I'm not trying to cause any trouble.
I know it wouldn't be a good time for people to find out you have an illegitimate son.
Look,I respect that you're -- you're a self-made man.
You know,that's what I want to be.
I just want to follow in your footsteps.
What,uh what else do you know about nadia? Everything that's ever been written.
You know,I could put together a little doser if you'd like.
Some press clippings,bullet points.
Okay.
Fine.
Thanks.
Hi.
This is lisbeth.
Leave your message after the tone.
Hey.
It's me.
I need to see you.
There's something I want to talk to you about.
Call me back.
So should we go over your visualization techniques one more time? - No.
- No.
Okay,then.
Well,I guess it's time.
Good luck.
Remember,the higher marla's pelvis,the better.
What the hell is that? Whales.
Wendy says it helps with relaxation.
I'm not having sex to whale sounds.
I just want to get this over with.
Zip in and zip out.
What happened to the whales? Karl didn't like them.
Okay.
Well good luck.
For under marla's back.
Helps with fertility.
Please tell me you're locking the dooR.
I-I-I can't work under these conditions.
How am I supposed to make a baby with my wife popping in and out of the room? I just know I'm gonna spend the entire dinner glaring at this oliver guy.
Which will probably support his thinking that you're after his girl.
I wish I knew what the story was with him.
You want me to get one of the private investigators I work with to dig around a little bit,find out about the guy? Yeah,brody.
That would be great.
Thanks.
You see that? That's called support.
That's friendship.
We're not playing golf with your jackass in-law again.
Yeah,all right.
I didn't ask you to.
How are you gonna give a speech about that guy? I can't think of a single nice thing to say about him.
Well,I'm pretending to write about someone I lo and admire.
Me? Me.
Hey,buck up over there,karl.
It's perfectly understandable that you couldn't have sex with your ex-mistress with your wife in the next room.
You need to do what you used to do.
You know,no altars,no sound machines.
No wife.
Yeah,in a hotel room.
Down and dirty.
Like god intended.
It'd be like cheating all over again.
But just for the afternoon.
Well I'm glad you're all here.
- Oh,my - oh,my eyes forward there,pretty boy.
Now,I know I cannot rely on my son-in-law, so I'm here to remind you all that it is black-tie optional tomorrow night, which means black tie to you and me,and you better all come together 'cause I don't want any stragglers making me look bad.
What are you laughing at? I was looking for you.
I need you to man the copy machine while I go on a coffee run.
What are you doing? Uh,duncan asked me to put together some information about nadia's expert beauty.
Seriously? Yeah.
I told him I'd have it done by tonight.
Can you,um,can you do the coffee run on your own? I really want to show him what I can do.
Oh,and,uh,someone needs to pick up his dry cleaning.
Thanks,cam.
You're the best.
The problem with most businesses stems from a lack of family values.
People are so concerned with making a living.
They don't care about making a life,setting an example.
I couldn't agree more.
That's one of the reasons that I hired my daughter at reveal.
So we could spend more time together.
Oh,that's lovely.
What do you do at reveal,cameron? Oh,I fetch coffee.
Sometimes I get to press the big green button on the copy machine.
She's kidding.
I'm not.
I should hire you as the office comedian,is what I should do.
Oh,that would mean I have an actual job.
Sweetie.
"Sweetie"? Sorry.
He usually calls me camikins.
- It's a pet name.
- Cameron.
You see,the truth about duncan as a father -- he was never around.
And the only reason I'm here now instead of making copies is because he wants to make a deal with you.
Thanks for dinner.
Well,I guess this deal isn't gonna happen now,huh? Actually,there's still a chance that it might.
You've got quite the reputation,duncan.
You're the best one-night stand in new york.
I'd love to find out what all the hype is about.
Are you gonna get kicked out of the daughters of american revolution for this? It's part of my patriotic duty.
Pursuing happiness.
God bless americA.
Duncan collinsworth.
Exactly what I needed.
A good time.
You're my very first man whore.
You need to be the one in charge,huh? I don't think this is a good idea.
What? You're a -- you're a very desirable woman,nadia, but I don't think I'm that guy anymore.
Sure,you are.
No,no.
I-I don't think I am.
Sometime this year,karl.
I've got rock body explosion in an hour.
I'm just gonna start.
This is ridiculous.
Fine.
Now,just relax,okay? Don't think about anything.
Just let yourself feel.
No.
I'm sorry.
I can't do this,even if wendy wants me to.
What ds that mean? It means i was afraid to sleep with you because I thought I wouldn't be able to stop,but the truth is, I can't sleep with you because I really do love my wife.
That's almost sweet,karl.
And if I'm ever gonna have the kind of marriage I want, then I can't keep secrets from her anymore.
Meaning? I have to tell wendy about our affair.
No.
You can'T.
It'll ruin everything.
She's my best friend.
Well,I can't keep this from her anymore.
What are you doing here? Uh,yeah,sorry to bother you at home, but I,uh,finished that report on nadia'S.
I think reveal would be smart to do a deal with her.
Uh,the deal's dead.
What? Nadia wanted me to sleep with her but I wanted not to.
They teach you about that in business school? Um,I might have missed that day.
Um,so -- so there's --there's way she'd change her mind? It's over.
Trust me.
Thanks,uh,for the report.
Uh,yeah.
No problem.
Hi.
Where -- where have you been? I've been trying to get in touch with you.
I know.
Duncan,we can't keep doing this.
Doing what? I'm marrying terrence.
Things have to change.
We still share a daughter,lisbeth.
I don't care who you're marrying.
I'm sorry.
I didn't think this was about cam.
It's not just about cam.
It's not about us,either.
I just really need to talk to my friend.
Wherare you hurrying off to? I-I forgot I was supposed to show a house, and I'm way past my standard 20 minutes late.
They're beautiful.
I won't be long.
I promise.
Love you.
So,you really don't understand why cam is acting so strange.
Is it a girl thing? No.
She's afraid that she's gonna lose you.
You possibly have a son.
She's worried that he's gonna replace her.
"Replace her"? Get someone else to take her spot pushing me away? She doesn't want anything to do with me half the time.
You need to reassure her that she's not gonna lose you.
Of course she's not.
I doubt that kid's even my son.
- Do you like him? - Who? Zack? At least he's full-grown.
I can't do too much damage.
Well,if anyone can find a way to screw him up,ou can.
You're gonna be just fine.
Listen,thanks for coming to help.
And do me a favor -- don't tell anybody that I'm falling apart,okay? So,how did things go with the house you showed? Same old story -- the wife liked it,and the husband didn'T.
So you made the sale.
You know,I'm gonna go get us some more wine.
Would you like the same,or would you like some merlot? Merlot would be great.
Okay.
It's me.
Listen,are you still interested in that information on duncan collinsworth? Oh,yeah,I told you.
It's very juicy.
So,oliver,has she dragged you antiquing yet? Not really.
Let me guess.
You had lunch and accidentally stumbled across this little shop she had no idea was there.
Yeah.
Like five times.
Well,let's see,james.
What about you? What? What about me? I'm sure alex enjoys the five minutes of "sportscenter" that you have to watch for 20 minutes before you can leave your house.
He does.
He watches the same highlights over and over Like it's the zapruder film or something.
Excuse me.
I've got to take this.
Hey,brody,what's up? - Yeah,I just got off the phone with my P.
I.
Friend.
- And? Yeah,that oliver guy? Married seven years.
Lives on the upper east side with his wife.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news.
I'm sorry,man.
Thanks.
Is everything okay,james? Yeah,I'm sorry.
Uh,we've got to go.
A work thing.
"A work thing"? Yeah.
I can't get into it right now.
I mean,can you at least stay for a quick cup of coffee? Uh,no,oliver,I can'T.
Brody: And I can tell you that larry is the same man on the job as he is off.
Business leader,sure,but devoted husband,loving father.
Frankly,a man among men.
Is he pulling this off? In closing he is.
A lot of you may be saying, "larry cooper is the luckiest man alive.
" Well,he's not.
I am.
Because I got to marry his beautiful,brilliant daughter, and I got him as a father-in-law.
Congratulations,larry.
Congratulations.
Thanks,arnie.
I appreciate that.
Hey,arnie.
Well done.
Thank you,sir.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
You know,the only thing would have made that more perfect is if you were wearing a dress,maybe a tiara.
I don't know whether that was a speech or the lyrics to a carly simon song.
Tell me the truth,will ya? Is my daughter your beard? You want the truth from me? Then you answer me a question.
Is janelle really your daughter? Because there's no way that sweet,beautiful girl shares your genes.
You know her mother screwed around on you, perhaps while you were out stealing souls or crushing kittens or whatever demons from hell did during those days.
The truth is,you are an insufferable blowhard, and if you didn't have money, no one would speak to you other than to say,"piss off,fat ass! Don'T.
Help! Waiter! Mr.
Cooper.
.
You are gonna be fine.
The paramedics are just taking you to the hospital for observation,okay? Is -- is there anything I can do for you? I think you've done enough.
Sir,I-I really apologize for what I said after the speech.
The speech was the truth.
Every word.
I love your daughter,and it's really important to her that you and I get along.
So I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell her that I caused your collapse.
Fine.
Thank you,sir.
Thank you so much.
I own you now.
What is going on? I don't like that guy.
- don't like that guy? - No,i don't like that guy.
And I don't know why this always happens to her.
She gets mixed up with these losers who aren't worth two minutes of her time and not nearly good enough for her.
Is anybody gonna be good enough for her? Look,she's my friend,alex,and I worry about her.
I understand.
And I have friends,and they worry about me,too.
And they worry that I'm standing in front of someone that I'm crazy about who's busy thinking about somebody else.
I'm gonna get a cab.
Good night.
What the hell is going on? Uh,all right,I-I hate to have to tell you this, okay,but your -- your boyfriend,he's married.
I'm so sorry.
This isn't what you deserve.
You're an amazing person.
I know,james.
I know that oliver is married.
No matter how awful you think I am right now I think I'm worse.
Look,what you do is your own business.
I hate myself for this,james.
Never in a million years did i think I'd be with a married man, but I've been alone for so long.
What makes you think the pain of being alone is worse than the pain of how his wife is gonna feel when she finds out? What makes you think that it isn't? When's the last time you were alone,james? Your marriage ended.
And two weeks later you were dating.
Yeah,my marriage ended because my wife cheated on me.
You remember? I've had no one.
Balloon guy,nascar guy.
The men in my life -- they've been our jokes.
He cares about me.
He wants to know about me.
And when I'm with him,I feel smart,I feel sexy.
You're always smart and sexy,katie.
You just waste your time with these idiots who aren't good enough for you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to find a guy I like being with as much as I like being with you? I have to go.
We couldn't be more pleased,nadia.
Oh,thank you.
I'm very happyabout working with reveal.
Good work,duncan.
Thanks.
You look surprised.
I am.
What changed your mind? You have a very persuasive son.
Hey.
Congratulations.
What the hell did you do? nadia? Um,I-I did what needed to be done.
You know,I-I looked at the situation, and I thought,"what would duncan collinsworth do? So,the deal with nadia's expert beauty went through.
What's a girl got to do to ruin things for you? You tried your best.
I should have thrown a drink at you.
It wasn't enough of a scene.
You're not gonna be replaced.
You mean fired? No.
I mean in my affections.
I'm not worried about being replaced.
I'm worried you'll like him more if he's your son,which he probably isn't, but we should iron this out now because we'll probably have to go down this road again sometime.
He is my son.
I got a call from the lab this morning.
And -- and -- and we'll deal with that.
Look,I can't make up for the years I wasn't around, but I can be here for you from now on if you'll let me.
You can try pushing me away,but I'm not going anywhere.
Don't underestimate my ability to alienate.
I'm gonna say this.
Ready? How about letting your old man buy you lunch? We need to talk.
There's something I have to tell you,wendy.
But before I do,I need you to know I truly,with every fiber of my being,love you.
I know.
And hurting you -- it kills me.
You don't have to tell me,karl.
- Marla told me everything.
- What? She told me about the secret meeting in the hotel.
She did? I know that you couldn'T perform.
That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever not done for me.
I love you so much,karl.
I think we should start talking about adopting a baby.
To nadia's expert beauty.
What's wrong with you? I think I got hypothermia fromfishing out nixon's golf ball.
I can't feel my legs.
Remember -- he owns me.
Hey,look,duncan,you're on tv.
Already? Good news travels fast.
Turn it up,jimmy.
Dontrelle,formerly known as donald baker, has several previous prostitution convictions.
Duncan collinsworth,C.
E.
O.
Of reveal cosmetics, was the most notable client in the pre-op transexual's black book.
In other news,stocks dipped sharply this They fired me.
Effective immediately.
I'm so sorry,dad.
Thanks.
Marla's going to be our surrogate.
My eggs aren't viable.
She's gonna have to get pregnant the old-fashioned way.
Alex mason -- you trashed me on basic cable and now you're calling to confirm our date? That was business,and what I'm talking about is pleasure.
Zack wells.
Duncan collinsworth.
This is who you hired? We've got something in common.
Duncan's my dad,too.
I'm with terrence now.
Exclusively.
Will you marry me again? I'm happy to report that lisbeth accepted my proposal.
Wait.
Stop,stop,stop,stop.
Quiet now.
You don't want to alarm them.
Ah,the northeastern aspiring trophy wife.
They don't usually travel in packs.
It must be a difficult hunting season.
Yes,they do look hungry.
See? I'm better off without lisbeth.
Being with her required constant effort.
Full-time job.
Trying to be something I'm not.
- Monogamous? - Exactly.
One woman equals work.
I came so close to forgetting the fundamental principle of my life -- being me is fun as hell.
- Hi!Oliver! - Katie.
See you later.
Wasn't that good? James,this gainfully employed,straight adonis is oliver davenport, my lunch date and my boyfriend.
Nice to meet you.
Tell me it's not her birthday.
Oh,no,no.
You're good.
This is just a running joke.
Yeah,when I first started working here, I dated this guy that sent me the most enormous, embarrassing bouquet of balloons for my first day of work.
So,as an anniversary of sorts, I make it a personal goal of mine to out-humiliateatie every year.
Last year,my office was filled with rockettes.
So,no balloons? No rockettes? No cage dancers.
There goes lunch.
I'll be back for the 2:30 call.
- Oh,hey.
- Yeah? I think I like him a lot more than balloon guy.
So do I.
Aw,now I feel guilty for thinking your girlfriend's a bitch.
Uh,just kidding We have a few concerns about the upcoming meeting with nadia's expert beauty.
"Concerns"? Yes,it's a beauty-supply chain, but it's not like they're selling watermelon lip gloss at 3 for $1.
Every line they carry has had a 25% sales increase.
You don't understand.
The board feels that someone else might be better suited to negotiate with nadia.
Nadia striker is notoriously conservative.
We've heard that she's already expressed concerns about doing business with someone of your personal reputation.
I'll take her to dinner,bring my loving daughter, wear my father-of-the-year sweater-vest.
It'll be fine.
Do you need me to quote proverbs,or can we get back to work? Fresh from my storage facility,or, as I like to call it,the trunk of my car.
Well,I'd help you look, but I don't want to stumble on your stash of "perfect 10.
" How did you know I keep my birth certificate with my porn? Well,it's like we have one brain.
We must be related.
You know,pretding to be my half brother is quite an elaborate rejection.
You could have just said you liked guys.
Ah,you would have tried to turn me.
Pretty healthy self-esteem you got there,bro.
Yeah? Well,I wonder where I get it from.
You still think I'm pretending? Oh,my god.
You're an aries.
Look,promise me that you're not gonna say anything.
No,I'll let you drop that bomb.
You are telling him,zack.
Look,I -- I've been waiting for this moment my whole life.
You know,I mean,I can't just tell him.
I want him to like me first.
You know,I want to make it at reveal on my own merits, not because I'm the boss' son.
Okay,seriously,being duncan's offspring has no perks whatsoever.
I want to make it at reveal just as much as you do, and the guy has me alphabetizing his junk mail.
Look,I-I have a plan,cam,you know.
The plan is for him to respect me and then I tell him, and,you know,then he's understandably thrilled.
Maybe you need to consider a plan "B.
" You're making orange chicken.
You are the perfect woman.
You're not still upset that I didn't sleep with your friend,are you? No.
Just disappointed.
Why do we have a picture of wilford brimley on our fridge? It's your cousin george's new baby.
Doesn't she look just like her father? Yes.
Oh,no.
Don't cry.
I'm sure she'll grow into her chins.
You know,that's the hardest part.
Yes,I wanted to have a baby for myself, but I really wanted to have your baby.
I wanted to look into a little,round face and see your smile your eyes.
I have horrible vision.
Your sense of humor.
You're really the only person who thinks I'm funny.
And now all this.
'S just going to end with you.
No more karl.
Okay.
You want more karl,you'll get more karl.
I don't want you to have a baby with a stranger, and marla's never going to be able to handle the in vitro.
- She can't do needles.
- I know.
I'll try and make a baby with marla the old-fashioned way.
For yoU for us.
For the world.
No more documentaries,okay? I feel a little weird making out with you while orphans are having a dance-off.
It was a spelling bee.
Wh can I see you again? Um,how's thursday dinner? Wait.
Is it wrong for me to put "late-night romp" in my pda? You knowactually,katie used to list her dates as karate,cello lessons.
She's got a new boyfriend now,right? Yeah,yeah.
He seems -- he seems great.
We should all go out sometime.
She hates me.
No,no,it's just that you and i can barely schedule a date for ourselves.
Well,I know how important she is to you.
I just want to get to know her.
Yeah,I just don't think katie's a big double-date kind of girl.
And,you know,she just started seeing oliver,so -- and she's in love with you.
What? There's always "the friend katie" that the guy's just a little too close to.
She doesn't want to befriend me because she doesn't want me to exist.
That's completely untrue.
I've known her forever.
We work together.
Oh,no.
Someone parked within 3 feet of your lexus.
Don't mock my love for my hybrid.
Oh,man,I've got a lot of competition for your affection.
Taxi! Oliver? Maybe it was his sister.
No.
They were making out.
Maybe he and katie have an understanding.
You never know.
No,I know katie.
Trust me.
There's no understandings.
Hey,we're talking about his good friend katie here,okay? She is emotionally invested in this guy.
Brody and his vagina think you should tell her.
I'm -- I'm gonna tell her.
I-I have to tell her.
I just have to pick the right time.
Like after they've broken up,and she's found somebody better.
I'll switch places with you.
I'll crush katie.
You sleep with my ex-mistress for my wife.
You have the strangest little life.
It's not funny.
When I broke the seal on my lust for marla, I never thought it would close back up.
I'm terrified to break it again.
She's like a drug.
I really feel for you,karl.
Man,that's a hell of a situation you're in.
You want to get to that favor you're gonna ask us, or are you gonna keep kissing our ass all day? There's no favor.
Well -- well,I was gonna ask if you guys minded if I invited janelle's father to golf with us tomorrow.
Oh,come on,guys.
He's in town getting an award.
Well,I can'T.
I got high tea with hitler.
I'm being impaled on a post.
I'm his ride.
All right,so,he's the antichrist,but he is janelle's father and she adores him.
Nobody said war was gonna be pretty,gentlemen,so I need to know -- who's in the foxhole with their friend and who's not? Not.
- Sorry.
- No.
You guys want to take a little more time with that? Okay,fine.
Tell alex tomorrow night at osteria del ducci.
Really? A double date? Well,oliver got this strange idea in his head that you like me.
What? Well,I guess he thinks I'm just so wonderful,how could you not? Oh,that must be it.
I think the best way to defuse the situation is for him to see you happy with your bitchy girlfriend.
Who thinks you're in love with me.
You're kidding.
Why is this happening now? It's what happens when men and women are friends.
We never had to worry about it before because you re married.
Oh,and tomorrow night,try not to look likeyou love me.
Working late? Oh,you do recognize work when you see it.
Good to know.
I need a favor.
You have to come to dinner with the tight-ass owner of nadia's expert beauty and lp convince her that I'm "father knows best.
" You kn,I knew I enjoyed irony,but this is just fun.
I understand this might require a ttle acting on your part.
Well,the good news is,if I twist an ankle,there is a possible understudy.
Um,we should talk.
proudly presents Big Shots Season01 Episode07 There has to be some sort of mistake.
I don't even recognize your mother's name.
And there's no way he had sex with a woman whose name he didn't know.
My mom,uh,tended bar at this dive in jersey city called scrappy'S.
She said that you -- you closed the place down one night and she gave you a ride home.
I think you're gonna have to narrow the field a bit more.
- Cam.
- What? It just doesn't sound like it's ringing any bells.
There are no bells to ring this is a mistake.
My mom was a really good dart player.
She'd do this thing where she'd con new customers into doubling her tip by betting them she could score a bull's-eye from behind the bar, and that's -- that's how she got her nickname.
Bullzee? You knocked up a jersey city bartender named bullzee? No,I'm sure I was one of about 10 guys she slept with that week.
Hey,you spend the night drinking kamikazes.
See how choosy you are.
Does the kid look like you? He's not my kid,karl.
Well,you're gonna have to get a paternity test.
His timing couldn't be any worse.
I got that deal with nadia's expert beauty coming up.
Hello,sports fans! Well,here comes the cardboard king of cleveland.
Well,all this place needs is a windmill and a snow-cone machine.
Hey,mr.
Cooper.
You remember the guys.
This is -- yeah,I remember.
I've only met them like 109 times,brody.
Uh,it's good to see you again,siR.
You're getting a divorce,huh? What'd you do? Oh,and you.
Learn how to shake a hand yet? No.
How do you do business with that dead fish for a paw? Oh,and then we have the pretty boy here.
Uh,you wearing your own eye shadow yet? All right,guys.
Let's go play some golf.
Can'T.
Meeting.
Can'T.
Lunch.
Can'T.
Lunch meeng.
Get my three-wood.
So,do we need to talk,or are we good? About my feelings of possibly having a brother? Only if you take me for ice cream and watch the sunset.
I'll wait until the paternity test comes back.
I don't like to expend emotion unnecessarily.
Well,we know whose daughter you are.
So,what do I need to know about this dinner with nadia? They want to be the next sephora,right? Well,you don't have to worry about that.
You just be charming,act like you adore me.
You're kind of making it hard.
Duncan,you need to take me seriously.
I'm here because I want to know about the business.
I want a career at reveal,outside of the mailroom.
Let's just get through this deal,and we'll talk,okay? Thank you.
Are you waiting for me to die? Your mother drank a lot when she was pregnant with you,huh? Janelle's really excited about the awards ceremony.
I want to talk to you about that.
Yeah,I got it.
You don't want me to go.
No.
I want you to give my introduction speech.
Really? Me? Well,don't start crying or anything,gertrude.
My friend bill was gonna do it.
He's having gallbladder surgery.
Johnny's on a cruise with his wife.
I could ask one of the neighbors, but I'm not paying to fly them out here.
I'm touched you asked me.
You see this golf ball? It's worth more than you.
Nixon gave me this ball.
You golfed with nixon? No.
We played badminton,and he gave me a golf ball.
Geez.
Are you going to give me room or do I have to swing with you riding piggyback? Are you gonna get that,or what? One hell of a house call,huh? Yeah.
So,you know,I heard about that deal with nadia'S.
That should be great for reveal.
Yeah.
I've read a lot about nadia.
She's annteresting woman.
Do you know she was a missionary? Where's this conversation going? Nowhere.
I just,uh,I just am really interested in the company.
I'm not trying to cause any trouble.
I know it wouldn't be a good time for people to find out you have an illegitimate son.
Look,I respect that you're -- you're a self-made man.
You know,that's what I want to be.
I just want to follow in your footsteps.
What,uh what else do you know about nadia? Everything that's ever been written.
You know,I could put together a little doser if you'd like.
Some press clippings,bullet points.
Okay.
Fine.
Thanks.
Hi.
This is lisbeth.
Leave your message after the tone.
Hey.
It's me.
I need to see you.
There's something I want to talk to you about.
Call me back.
So should we go over your visualization techniques one more time? - No.
- No.
Okay,then.
Well,I guess it's time.
Good luck.
Remember,the higher marla's pelvis,the better.
What the hell is that? Whales.
Wendy says it helps with relaxation.
I'm not having sex to whale sounds.
I just want to get this over with.
Zip in and zip out.
What happened to the whales? Karl didn't like them.
Okay.
Well good luck.
For under marla's back.
Helps with fertility.
Please tell me you're locking the dooR.
I-I-I can't work under these conditions.
How am I supposed to make a baby with my wife popping in and out of the room? I just know I'm gonna spend the entire dinner glaring at this oliver guy.
Which will probably support his thinking that you're after his girl.
I wish I knew what the story was with him.
You want me to get one of the private investigators I work with to dig around a little bit,find out about the guy? Yeah,brody.
That would be great.
Thanks.
You see that? That's called support.
That's friendship.
We're not playing golf with your jackass in-law again.
Yeah,all right.
I didn't ask you to.
How are you gonna give a speech about that guy? I can't think of a single nice thing to say about him.
Well,I'm pretending to write about someone I lo and admire.
Me? Me.
Hey,buck up over there,karl.
It's perfectly understandable that you couldn't have sex with your ex-mistress with your wife in the next room.
You need to do what you used to do.
You know,no altars,no sound machines.
No wife.
Yeah,in a hotel room.
Down and dirty.
Like god intended.
It'd be like cheating all over again.
But just for the afternoon.
Well I'm glad you're all here.
- Oh,my - oh,my eyes forward there,pretty boy.
Now,I know I cannot rely on my son-in-law, so I'm here to remind you all that it is black-tie optional tomorrow night, which means black tie to you and me,and you better all come together 'cause I don't want any stragglers making me look bad.
What are you laughing at? I was looking for you.
I need you to man the copy machine while I go on a coffee run.
What are you doing? Uh,duncan asked me to put together some information about nadia's expert beauty.
Seriously? Yeah.
I told him I'd have it done by tonight.
Can you,um,can you do the coffee run on your own? I really want to show him what I can do.
Oh,and,uh,someone needs to pick up his dry cleaning.
Thanks,cam.
You're the best.
The problem with most businesses stems from a lack of family values.
People are so concerned with making a living.
They don't care about making a life,setting an example.
I couldn't agree more.
That's one of the reasons that I hired my daughter at reveal.
So we could spend more time together.
Oh,that's lovely.
What do you do at reveal,cameron? Oh,I fetch coffee.
Sometimes I get to press the big green button on the copy machine.
She's kidding.
I'm not.
I should hire you as the office comedian,is what I should do.
Oh,that would mean I have an actual job.
Sweetie.
"Sweetie"? Sorry.
He usually calls me camikins.
- It's a pet name.
- Cameron.
You see,the truth about duncan as a father -- he was never around.
And the only reason I'm here now instead of making copies is because he wants to make a deal with you.
Thanks for dinner.
Well,I guess this deal isn't gonna happen now,huh? Actually,there's still a chance that it might.
You've got quite the reputation,duncan.
You're the best one-night stand in new york.
I'd love to find out what all the hype is about.
Are you gonna get kicked out of the daughters of american revolution for this? It's part of my patriotic duty.
Pursuing happiness.
God bless americA.
Duncan collinsworth.
Exactly what I needed.
A good time.
You're my very first man whore.
You need to be the one in charge,huh? I don't think this is a good idea.
What? You're a -- you're a very desirable woman,nadia, but I don't think I'm that guy anymore.
Sure,you are.
No,no.
I-I don't think I am.
Sometime this year,karl.
I've got rock body explosion in an hour.
I'm just gonna start.
This is ridiculous.
Fine.
Now,just relax,okay? Don't think about anything.
Just let yourself feel.
No.
I'm sorry.
I can't do this,even if wendy wants me to.
What ds that mean? It means i was afraid to sleep with you because I thought I wouldn't be able to stop,but the truth is, I can't sleep with you because I really do love my wife.
That's almost sweet,karl.
And if I'm ever gonna have the kind of marriage I want, then I can't keep secrets from her anymore.
Meaning? I have to tell wendy about our affair.
No.
You can'T.
It'll ruin everything.
She's my best friend.
Well,I can't keep this from her anymore.
What are you doing here? Uh,yeah,sorry to bother you at home, but I,uh,finished that report on nadia'S.
I think reveal would be smart to do a deal with her.
Uh,the deal's dead.
What? Nadia wanted me to sleep with her but I wanted not to.
They teach you about that in business school? Um,I might have missed that day.
Um,so -- so there's --there's way she'd change her mind? It's over.
Trust me.
Thanks,uh,for the report.
Uh,yeah.
No problem.
Hi.
Where -- where have you been? I've been trying to get in touch with you.
I know.
Duncan,we can't keep doing this.
Doing what? I'm marrying terrence.
Things have to change.
We still share a daughter,lisbeth.
I don't care who you're marrying.
I'm sorry.
I didn't think this was about cam.
It's not just about cam.
It's not about us,either.
I just really need to talk to my friend.
Wherare you hurrying off to? I-I forgot I was supposed to show a house, and I'm way past my standard 20 minutes late.
They're beautiful.
I won't be long.
I promise.
Love you.
So,you really don't understand why cam is acting so strange.
Is it a girl thing? No.
She's afraid that she's gonna lose you.
You possibly have a son.
She's worried that he's gonna replace her.
"Replace her"? Get someone else to take her spot pushing me away? She doesn't want anything to do with me half the time.
You need to reassure her that she's not gonna lose you.
Of course she's not.
I doubt that kid's even my son.
- Do you like him? - Who? Zack? At least he's full-grown.
I can't do too much damage.
Well,if anyone can find a way to screw him up,ou can.
You're gonna be just fine.
Listen,thanks for coming to help.
And do me a favor -- don't tell anybody that I'm falling apart,okay? So,how did things go with the house you showed? Same old story -- the wife liked it,and the husband didn'T.
So you made the sale.
You know,I'm gonna go get us some more wine.
Would you like the same,or would you like some merlot? Merlot would be great.
Okay.
It's me.
Listen,are you still interested in that information on duncan collinsworth? Oh,yeah,I told you.
It's very juicy.
So,oliver,has she dragged you antiquing yet? Not really.
Let me guess.
You had lunch and accidentally stumbled across this little shop she had no idea was there.
Yeah.
Like five times.
Well,let's see,james.
What about you? What? What about me? I'm sure alex enjoys the five minutes of "sportscenter" that you have to watch for 20 minutes before you can leave your house.
He does.
He watches the same highlights over and over Like it's the zapruder film or something.
Excuse me.
I've got to take this.
Hey,brody,what's up? - Yeah,I just got off the phone with my P.
I.
Friend.
- And? Yeah,that oliver guy? Married seven years.
Lives on the upper east side with his wife.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news.
I'm sorry,man.
Thanks.
Is everything okay,james? Yeah,I'm sorry.
Uh,we've got to go.
A work thing.
"A work thing"? Yeah.
I can't get into it right now.
I mean,can you at least stay for a quick cup of coffee? Uh,no,oliver,I can'T.
Brody: And I can tell you that larry is the same man on the job as he is off.
Business leader,sure,but devoted husband,loving father.
Frankly,a man among men.
Is he pulling this off? In closing he is.
A lot of you may be saying, "larry cooper is the luckiest man alive.
" Well,he's not.
I am.
Because I got to marry his beautiful,brilliant daughter, and I got him as a father-in-law.
Congratulations,larry.
Congratulations.
Thanks,arnie.
I appreciate that.
Hey,arnie.
Well done.
Thank you,sir.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
You know,the only thing would have made that more perfect is if you were wearing a dress,maybe a tiara.
I don't know whether that was a speech or the lyrics to a carly simon song.
Tell me the truth,will ya? Is my daughter your beard? You want the truth from me? Then you answer me a question.
Is janelle really your daughter? Because there's no way that sweet,beautiful girl shares your genes.
You know her mother screwed around on you, perhaps while you were out stealing souls or crushing kittens or whatever demons from hell did during those days.
The truth is,you are an insufferable blowhard, and if you didn't have money, no one would speak to you other than to say,"piss off,fat ass! Don'T.
Help! Waiter! Mr.
Cooper.
.
You are gonna be fine.
The paramedics are just taking you to the hospital for observation,okay? Is -- is there anything I can do for you? I think you've done enough.
Sir,I-I really apologize for what I said after the speech.
The speech was the truth.
Every word.
I love your daughter,and it's really important to her that you and I get along.
So I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell her that I caused your collapse.
Fine.
Thank you,sir.
Thank you so much.
I own you now.
What is going on? I don't like that guy.
- don't like that guy? - No,i don't like that guy.
And I don't know why this always happens to her.
She gets mixed up with these losers who aren't worth two minutes of her time and not nearly good enough for her.
Is anybody gonna be good enough for her? Look,she's my friend,alex,and I worry about her.
I understand.
And I have friends,and they worry about me,too.
And they worry that I'm standing in front of someone that I'm crazy about who's busy thinking about somebody else.
I'm gonna get a cab.
Good night.
What the hell is going on? Uh,all right,I-I hate to have to tell you this, okay,but your -- your boyfriend,he's married.
I'm so sorry.
This isn't what you deserve.
You're an amazing person.
I know,james.
I know that oliver is married.
No matter how awful you think I am right now I think I'm worse.
Look,what you do is your own business.
I hate myself for this,james.
Never in a million years did i think I'd be with a married man, but I've been alone for so long.
What makes you think the pain of being alone is worse than the pain of how his wife is gonna feel when she finds out? What makes you think that it isn't? When's the last time you were alone,james? Your marriage ended.
And two weeks later you were dating.
Yeah,my marriage ended because my wife cheated on me.
You remember? I've had no one.
Balloon guy,nascar guy.
The men in my life -- they've been our jokes.
He cares about me.
He wants to know about me.
And when I'm with him,I feel smart,I feel sexy.
You're always smart and sexy,katie.
You just waste your time with these idiots who aren't good enough for you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to find a guy I like being with as much as I like being with you? I have to go.
We couldn't be more pleased,nadia.
Oh,thank you.
I'm very happyabout working with reveal.
Good work,duncan.
Thanks.
You look surprised.
I am.
What changed your mind? You have a very persuasive son.
Hey.
Congratulations.
What the hell did you do? nadia? Um,I-I did what needed to be done.
You know,I-I looked at the situation, and I thought,"what would duncan collinsworth do? So,the deal with nadia's expert beauty went through.
What's a girl got to do to ruin things for you? You tried your best.
I should have thrown a drink at you.
It wasn't enough of a scene.
You're not gonna be replaced.
You mean fired? No.
I mean in my affections.
I'm not worried about being replaced.
I'm worried you'll like him more if he's your son,which he probably isn't, but we should iron this out now because we'll probably have to go down this road again sometime.
He is my son.
I got a call from the lab this morning.
And -- and -- and we'll deal with that.
Look,I can't make up for the years I wasn't around, but I can be here for you from now on if you'll let me.
You can try pushing me away,but I'm not going anywhere.
Don't underestimate my ability to alienate.
I'm gonna say this.
Ready? How about letting your old man buy you lunch? We need to talk.
There's something I have to tell you,wendy.
But before I do,I need you to know I truly,with every fiber of my being,love you.
I know.
And hurting you -- it kills me.
You don't have to tell me,karl.
- Marla told me everything.
- What? She told me about the secret meeting in the hotel.
She did? I know that you couldn'T perform.
That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever not done for me.
I love you so much,karl.
I think we should start talking about adopting a baby.
To nadia's expert beauty.
What's wrong with you? I think I got hypothermia fromfishing out nixon's golf ball.
I can't feel my legs.
Remember -- he owns me.
Hey,look,duncan,you're on tv.
Already? Good news travels fast.
Turn it up,jimmy.
Dontrelle,formerly known as donald baker, has several previous prostitution convictions.
Duncan collinsworth,C.
E.
O.
Of reveal cosmetics, was the most notable client in the pre-op transexual's black book.
In other news,stocks dipped sharply this They fired me.
Effective immediately.
I'm so sorry,dad.
Thanks.