Big Train (1998) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Um, do you speak English? - No, l don't.
Sorry.
- Oh.
My car's broken down, and l wondered if you could tell me where to find a garage.
Well, that's wasted on me.
l don't understand what you're saying.
- You don't speak any English at all? - Not a word, no.
lt's one of those things.
l wish l'd paid attention in school.
Excuse me.
Do you speak any English? - English? No.
What's the problem? - l don't know, l can't understand her.
Hi.
My car's broken down and l need to find a garage.
No, l'm sorry, l didn't understand that at all.
All right.
Well, thanks.
That way, about half a mile, there's a village.
There might be somebody who speaks English.
Ich spreche bisschen Deutsch.
Sprechen Sie Deutsch? - Deutsch? Nein.
Sprichst du Deutsch? - Deutsch? Nein.
Nun, ein oder zwei Worter, aber ich bin nicht fliesend.
- l'm sorry we couldn't be more help.
- Sorry about that.
Next time you're over, maybe we'll have learnt English for you.
- Ja, oder Deutsch vielleicht.
- Ja, das ware toll.
Thanks anyway.
- l can speak English.
- So can l.
(both laugh) Big Train Big Train - (knock at door) - Come in.
- Hi, Stephen.
- Ray, hi.
- l wonder if we could have a quick word.
- Yeah, come in.
What it is is we've just had our salaries paid into our accounts.
And l don't know if you remember, but last month you gave us a categorical assurance that the productivity bonus would be included.
And has it not? There's no sign of it.
This is the third time we've been let down.
You're right to bring this to my attention.
l remember the date.
lt was - January 1 4th.
- January 1 4th, yeah.
That's dreadful.
This is an ordinary pack of cards.
Pick one.
Any one, doesn't matter.
- The thing is, because we - Don't show it to me.
- .
.
really expected it to be in - Memorise the card, show it to the others.
- .
.
this month - OK.
Pop it back in.
- .
.
a lot of us have made sort of - l'm just going to shuffle.
OK.
.
.
financial Look in your right-hand trouser pocket.
- ls that your card? - Yeah, that's it! That's it! - How the hell did you? - Ah, there you go, you see.
- He didn't go anywhere near your trousers! - No, l know.
- Did he give you that before you came in? - No, he didn't.
- Taxi! - (tyres screech) What news? My Lord, we captured 30 rebels in the forbidden sector.
Good.
Then bring them to the holding chamber.
- Yes.
Ow.
Ow! - What's wrong? That hurts.
That really does hurt.
- What? - l've got something caught.
- Yes? - And it's pulling the skin off.
- Can you see it? - l can't see it.
l'm gonna - No, don't pull it.
- Get your hand away.
All right.
Just don't pull it, because it - Ow! That's - Stop being such a baby.
l'm not.
lt does hurt, though.
lt's hard to shave in this thing.
- lt's caught at the back.
- That's it.
That's good.
That's gone.
OK.
What were you saying about the holding chamber? - Bring them - No, it's there again.
The mechanism's catching under my Adam's apple.
- Do you want to slip it off? - God, no, don't.
Leave it.
l'll deal with it.
- l think That's it, it's free.
lf l pull up - lt's a bad design, isn't it? l think it's a shoddy one, l think l should take it back.
- l'll tell you what it is.
l didn't oil it.
- Didn't you? And when you nod like that, the whole thing comes together.
l mean, l gave up wearing that one five years ago.
lt's one of the benefits of promotion.
l'll take it back to the shop.
What were you saying? Take them to the holding chamber, and just keep 'em there.
Give them no food or water.
Right, right.
We've certainly got a fine opening match from these two players.
Just 1 2 minutes gone, and neither man looking particularly in trouble.
You can see that audacious eyeballing that the Ukrainian, Roman Solowka, is giving Yuri Uzliam of Russia on the right there.
But Uzliam is putting up a brilliant defence - very tight, very solid.
If you've just joined us, you're watching the 43rd World Stare-Out Championship finals.
David Joyce is with me as usual in the commentary box.
Solowka looks impenetrable, David.
(David) Good afternoon, John.
Good afternoon, everyone.
Yes, he looks like a man in form.
And I have to say, John, when I saw this was the opening fixture of this year's championships, I thought, ''great''.
Cos you can see them there, they're both concentrating to a fantastic standard.
Wonderful staring.
Talk about the ability of the top-level players to stare, and by golly, both these men are working hard out there.
(John) The pressure on these players is enormous.
One blink and it's all over.
- Ow! Ooh, my goodness me.
- Actually, that's bleeding.
lt's bleeding, isn't it? l can feel it coming down my neck.
l'll go and sort it out.
- OK, get some cream on it.
- l will, l'll pop a bit of cream on it.
l'll see you later.
l might be in the brasserie.
- OK, l'll see you there.
- Right.
Get me a juice.
Lovely.
Oh, no, a cappuccino.
This is our moment of destiny! Amid those trees lies our enemy - 500 men, maybe more.
lt is important we keep clear heads! Listen carefully.
This is the most important thing l will ever tell you, and l shall not say it again! (mumbles) Charge! (gunshot) Agh! Right.
You! l want a word with you.
- What? - You! Now! A word.
Come on.
Um, well, l've had a long hard think, and l really think my hands are tied on this one, l think l'm going to have to let him go.
(man) You won't give him another chance? How many chances have l got to give? l've given him at least three chances, you know, where l've got pretty heavy with him, and he does nothing.
lt's like talking to a brick wall, really.
l mean, you saw how he was.
You can't get through to the guy.
l've got just as much of a sense of humour as the next man, OK, but there are limits.
You push, you push things just that little bit too far.
You upset people.
''Upset people''? People enjoy it.
Well, it's been coming a long time, really.
Just had a bit of a blow up, told him what l thought.
He gave me the sack, l'm sacked.
Apart from anything else, there was a danger of electrocution.
She had to change her clothing, and she's a shy woman, for goodness sake.
l mean She thought it was very funny.
l've spoken to her since.
And she was heading for a mini breakdown anyway, because of the pressure of the work.
(man) He considers himself the office joker.
He says it's good for good for morale.
Well, that's just an example of what we're dealing with, really, isn't it? Some of his ''pranks'', as he calls them, quite frankly, are dangerous, l think, and unhygienic quite often.
The mouse, for instance, you know? Leaving dead mice lying around.
Here's what you're doing: you're just blaming me for the fact that you run your tight ship.
- Always got an answer, haven't you? - No.
- And it's always adolescent and pathetic.
- ls it? - Can l get on? l've got lots of work to do.
- No, l've not finished yet.
Oh, l'll write him a reference, yeah.
Yeah.
l mean lt's just, you know, it's not working here for him, and maybe it will somewhere else.
Obviously it's not going to be a glowing report, but good luck to him, yeah.
l think he'll find another position.
(David) A terrible incident, and completely unrepresentative of the hundreds and thousands of decent stare-out fans.
(John) Hear, hear.
Look at thatl Uzliam tried something there.
(David) I think Solowka saw it coming all the way.
He had no problem dealing with it.
It's meat and drink to someone who can stare as well as Solowka.
They're so familiar with each other's game.
(John) And, of course, as a result of that, we've got a very well-balanced match here.
- (knock at door) - Come in.
- Hi, Steve.
- Ray, hi.
l'm gonna be a bit blunt here.
None of us are gonna leave this office until you give us a cheque for the extra work we did.
We won't be fobbed off any longer.
- Has that not come through? - No.
That's outrageous.
l don't know what's happened.
All l can say is, l'm really very sorry.
What l'll do is write you a personal cheque here and now.
How's that? - Would that be acceptable? - Yeah, great.
Oh, my goodness.
Three oranges.
You know why l keep them, don't you? (Ray) Whoa! (all laugh) Have a go.
They're just ordinary oranges.
No way, no way.
Taxi! (# ''So Danco Samba'') Phwoar.
(mutters) Phwoar.
Phwoar! Very nice.
The time's just coming up to 5.
49.
l was reading in the paper that a Lincolnshire grocer was done for selling tins of beans over 1 8 years old.
(record starts) Suppose you've gotta call them 'has-beans'.
Bit of a half-baked story there.
l wonder if that grocer's favourite actor was Sean Bean.
Or perhaps Mr Bean.
And l wonder, if they have horses in jail, do they raise up on their Heinz legs? (laughs) You're listening to Chesham 1 01 .
Coming up after the news, the lovely Janet McPhail is coming in to give us the lowdown on Tinseltown, and l hear that Hugh Grant is to appear in the new Batman movie.
ls that right, Janet? She's nodding at me through the window there.
Talking about Batman, l wonder if l l wonder if Batman l wonder if he runs his car on bat petrol.
Or if, uh Bats.
A little bit batty.
Bit of a nuisance.
OK, let's have some more music.
- Where are you going? - l don't have any cocking puns! Where are my Batman puns?! Do you want me to look stupid out there?! Right! Get writing and stop staring at me! l am sick to death of being made to look stupid on my programme! Now write! Come on, get on with it! l want puns now! Now! Five minutes! Five minutes and l want 20 Batman puns on my desk! l can see you two down there in the corner! Get writing! You don't write jokes, you don't get food, it is that bloody simple! Now get on with it! Every year thousands of children all over the country are forced to write puns for local radio stations.
Most of them simply accept their fate.
But legal help needn't be expensive.
All these children have secured their freedom through Langley and Allchurch.
If you're held captive and forced to write puns against your will, why not call us today? We're here to help.
(John) Whenever these two meet, we're reminded of that unforgettable struggle in the final of 1 968, the amateur championship.
The game lasted nine hours before Uzliam wore out Solowka.
- We can see a snatch of that.
- (David) Great.
(man) What a super match we've been treated to by these two Eastern-bloc players.
I remember the last time they met was during the Cuban missile crisis.
Such an absorbing game that it certainly took my mind off that confrontation between the superpowers.
I really don't think I can recall such tension.
The atmosphere here absolutely electric.
Marvellous stamina from these two.
Oh, my goshl Solowka has blinkedl It's all overl What a terrific performance from the Russianl Absolutely outstandingl (John) Lovely to hear Raymond Sledge's commentary there.
The voice of stare-out for so many years.
# l think l'm going back to Massachusetts Maurice Maurice Maurice! (click) (many gunshots) - No-o-o-o-o-o-o - (gunshots continue) .
.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o (gunshots continue) .
.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o .
.
o-o-o-o! No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o .
.
o-o-o! # Something's telling me l must go home l'm coming, Chaka! (sobs) I think all that speculation in the papers has made Solowka even more determined to prove his detractors wrong.
He's worked very hard to train for this championship.
You've watched him training, David, and we can now show you at home some of the footage of that training.
(David) Here he is, this is Solowka actually in training here, and my goodness me, what a sight.
You know, he is a master, and there we see a master at work.
He uses the metronome there to keep the rhythm.
He just stares at himself for ten hours every day.
And I suppose if you were getting ? 1 0,000 for exhibition matches, as he does, you'd train that hard as well.
Ray, hi.
- Right! - Don't say a word.
l know you're angry.
Just don't say another word.
Go to that top drawer and have a look.
Go on, have a look.
Oh, look! Puppies! - Hello, puppies.
Aren't you lovely? - Hello! Aw! Taxi! That's interesting.
Small scissors.
How's the BP doing? - BP normal, pulse 1 02.
- Great.
Can you get some more swabs, please, nurse? lt's getting a bit messy.
Right, thank you.
l'm not sure about this, actually.
lt looks a bit unusual.
l'm going to give Bob Metcalf a ring and make sure, OK? You guys hold the fort, l'll be back in two seconds.
Hi, Bob.
lt's Peter here.
Hi.
Yeah, look, l'm doing a routine exploratory on Mrs Brooks, and l've noticed she's got a rather sticky aortic valve, and l was a little Worried, yeah.
Really? Great.
No, no, that's fantastic, exactly what l needed to know.
Brilliant.
OK.
Super.
All right, l'll see you at Yeah, OK, yeah.
OK.
No, l wanted yeah.
l wanted to be sure, and you know.
All right, brilliant.
l'll s Yeah, l'll see you on the Yep.
(laughs) Well, no, you were the Yeah.
OK, listen, l really do h Yeah, OK, l do have Yeah.
l've got to go, l do have to go, Bob.
Sorry.
Oh! OK.
Yeah, OK.
Yeah.
OK.
Yeah, right.
No.
OK, look l'm doing an operation.
l do have to go, Bob.
Let's Yeah, OK.
Dr Grey's fallen.
l've yeah.
OK.
OK.
l OK.
Well OK.
Right, let me OK, l'm Bye-bye.
l do Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
No Yeah l've Right.
OK.
No.
Um Right, yes, she's, um No, she's dead, l think.
She's dead.
She's gone, we've lost her.
No, l can talk now.
lt's fine.
Did you? Well l was wondering, but Yeah, OK.
Well, listen, let me Yeah.
OK.
Yeah.
(John) Both players biding their time, waiting to exploit a chink in their opponent's defence.
Uzliam hasn't budged one inch.
Impassive.
Oh, I sayl That's something we don't expect to see at staring.
Attention-seeker trying to steal the headlines from the serious business of staring.
(David) Extraordinary, that was.
Absolutely extraordinary.
(John) Look at the concentration on the players' faces.
Pure professionalism.
(David) Not a flicker.
Not a flicker.
There was a fellow standing there with his, uh Well, what can you call it? .
.
hanging out, and they didn't budge an inch.
(John) You've got to say the boys in blue, the police, acted very promptly.
And that's the last that spectator will see of this match.
(David) Yeah.
(laughs) (John) Doubtless pop up on a ''what happened next?'' in some sports programme.
(David) Extraordinary stuff.
(woman screaming) (sobs) lt's all right, madam.
Everything's going to be fine.
Now just make your way to me nice and easy, there's a good girl.
Nearly there, nearly there.
Are you all right? Not long to go.
Hold tight.
Hold tight.
Nearly there.
Oh, you're a brave girl.
Yeah, nearly there.
Nearly there.
Well done, you're a brave girl.
There we go.
- Are you all right? - Are you OK, love? - That must have been quite toxic.
- lt was.
- ls there any smoke in your lungs? - No.
- l carried her from the top.
- l saw you, it was really good.
(siren) - Are you all right, love? - Yeah, l think so.
Those show-jumpers, they saved me.
Look, it really is best to wait for us.
They don't know what they're doin', them lot.
Oi! Oi! No! Get off there! - (fireman) Let us through.
- (show-jumper) We'll do it.
No, you go away! You just get off! Just both of you - We've done it before.
- l don't care, l've had enough of this.
- Look, just go away! - (they protest) l don't care.
Look, l want you to go.
You're just trouble! Yeah, get 'em back, mate.
Back behind the cars.
There's falling masonry.
Get 'em out of there, go on! l'm losing pressure! What the? Oi! - l'm trying to adjust the pressure.
- Just leave it! - lt's dripping.
- lt doesn't matter! Get away! Just clear off! - What are you doing? - lt's locked.
l'll have to go in with this.
Ow! - Do you want me to hold the axe for you? - No, l don't! Just go away.
Move back.
(show-jumper) You're doing such a good job.
Thanks for that, but you have to go over there.
Behind the fire engine, just to the left of it.
You see? Look.
Look! That's where you have to go, and go now.
Go now.
Honestly.
No! Just go away! Just go away! All right, you can give us a hand.
lt's nearly out.
Not all of you, just one of you.
You, tall skinny lad, come here.
What's your name? - Chris.
- What? - Chris.
- Chris, right, come round, get a hold.
Come on.
Get hold of that.
No, keep your eye on the job.
Keep your eye on the job.
Look where Look where you're at.
No, don't do that.
No, that's - Look, do you want to do it or not? - Yes.
That's it.
No, no, that's just stupid.
You're not gonna do anything like that.
Down a bit.
Bring it down.
No, down more.
That's it.
Good lad.
Hey, you've got it, you've got it.
That's it.
No.
No.
No, now Look Get off.
Get off.
You've spoilt No, you've spoilt it, that's it.
No, all of you.
None of you, none of you.
No.
Down a bit, that's it.
You're not paintin' a bloody house.
There! You're next.
All of you, back.
You've had a go.
That's it.
Down a bit.
Move it down a bit, that's it.
You're aiming at the base of the fire, right? All right, you next.
OK.
Get a good hold of it.
That's it.
You're a natural, you.
Excellent, very good.
Right, bring it round a little bit.
That's it.
Very good.
OK, you've had your go.
That's it.
Let go.
No, let go.
Come on, hold it properly.
lt's not a toy.
(she shrieks with glee) - Right, you've had enough.
Come on.
- Aw! They had longer.
- No, they didn't.
- They had longer! Don't fight over it.
Don't fight over it.
No.
Now get away.
You've all had a go, that's it.
Now are you happy? You've all had a go.
Now piss off!
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Um, do you speak English? - No, l don't.
Sorry.
- Oh.
My car's broken down, and l wondered if you could tell me where to find a garage.
Well, that's wasted on me.
l don't understand what you're saying.
- You don't speak any English at all? - Not a word, no.
lt's one of those things.
l wish l'd paid attention in school.
Excuse me.
Do you speak any English? - English? No.
What's the problem? - l don't know, l can't understand her.
Hi.
My car's broken down and l need to find a garage.
No, l'm sorry, l didn't understand that at all.
All right.
Well, thanks.
That way, about half a mile, there's a village.
There might be somebody who speaks English.
Ich spreche bisschen Deutsch.
Sprechen Sie Deutsch? - Deutsch? Nein.
Sprichst du Deutsch? - Deutsch? Nein.
Nun, ein oder zwei Worter, aber ich bin nicht fliesend.
- l'm sorry we couldn't be more help.
- Sorry about that.
Next time you're over, maybe we'll have learnt English for you.
- Ja, oder Deutsch vielleicht.
- Ja, das ware toll.
Thanks anyway.
- l can speak English.
- So can l.
(both laugh) Big Train Big Train - (knock at door) - Come in.
- Hi, Stephen.
- Ray, hi.
- l wonder if we could have a quick word.
- Yeah, come in.
What it is is we've just had our salaries paid into our accounts.
And l don't know if you remember, but last month you gave us a categorical assurance that the productivity bonus would be included.
And has it not? There's no sign of it.
This is the third time we've been let down.
You're right to bring this to my attention.
l remember the date.
lt was - January 1 4th.
- January 1 4th, yeah.
That's dreadful.
This is an ordinary pack of cards.
Pick one.
Any one, doesn't matter.
- The thing is, because we - Don't show it to me.
- .
.
really expected it to be in - Memorise the card, show it to the others.
- .
.
this month - OK.
Pop it back in.
- .
.
a lot of us have made sort of - l'm just going to shuffle.
OK.
.
.
financial Look in your right-hand trouser pocket.
- ls that your card? - Yeah, that's it! That's it! - How the hell did you? - Ah, there you go, you see.
- He didn't go anywhere near your trousers! - No, l know.
- Did he give you that before you came in? - No, he didn't.
- Taxi! - (tyres screech) What news? My Lord, we captured 30 rebels in the forbidden sector.
Good.
Then bring them to the holding chamber.
- Yes.
Ow.
Ow! - What's wrong? That hurts.
That really does hurt.
- What? - l've got something caught.
- Yes? - And it's pulling the skin off.
- Can you see it? - l can't see it.
l'm gonna - No, don't pull it.
- Get your hand away.
All right.
Just don't pull it, because it - Ow! That's - Stop being such a baby.
l'm not.
lt does hurt, though.
lt's hard to shave in this thing.
- lt's caught at the back.
- That's it.
That's good.
That's gone.
OK.
What were you saying about the holding chamber? - Bring them - No, it's there again.
The mechanism's catching under my Adam's apple.
- Do you want to slip it off? - God, no, don't.
Leave it.
l'll deal with it.
- l think That's it, it's free.
lf l pull up - lt's a bad design, isn't it? l think it's a shoddy one, l think l should take it back.
- l'll tell you what it is.
l didn't oil it.
- Didn't you? And when you nod like that, the whole thing comes together.
l mean, l gave up wearing that one five years ago.
lt's one of the benefits of promotion.
l'll take it back to the shop.
What were you saying? Take them to the holding chamber, and just keep 'em there.
Give them no food or water.
Right, right.
We've certainly got a fine opening match from these two players.
Just 1 2 minutes gone, and neither man looking particularly in trouble.
You can see that audacious eyeballing that the Ukrainian, Roman Solowka, is giving Yuri Uzliam of Russia on the right there.
But Uzliam is putting up a brilliant defence - very tight, very solid.
If you've just joined us, you're watching the 43rd World Stare-Out Championship finals.
David Joyce is with me as usual in the commentary box.
Solowka looks impenetrable, David.
(David) Good afternoon, John.
Good afternoon, everyone.
Yes, he looks like a man in form.
And I have to say, John, when I saw this was the opening fixture of this year's championships, I thought, ''great''.
Cos you can see them there, they're both concentrating to a fantastic standard.
Wonderful staring.
Talk about the ability of the top-level players to stare, and by golly, both these men are working hard out there.
(John) The pressure on these players is enormous.
One blink and it's all over.
- Ow! Ooh, my goodness me.
- Actually, that's bleeding.
lt's bleeding, isn't it? l can feel it coming down my neck.
l'll go and sort it out.
- OK, get some cream on it.
- l will, l'll pop a bit of cream on it.
l'll see you later.
l might be in the brasserie.
- OK, l'll see you there.
- Right.
Get me a juice.
Lovely.
Oh, no, a cappuccino.
This is our moment of destiny! Amid those trees lies our enemy - 500 men, maybe more.
lt is important we keep clear heads! Listen carefully.
This is the most important thing l will ever tell you, and l shall not say it again! (mumbles) Charge! (gunshot) Agh! Right.
You! l want a word with you.
- What? - You! Now! A word.
Come on.
Um, well, l've had a long hard think, and l really think my hands are tied on this one, l think l'm going to have to let him go.
(man) You won't give him another chance? How many chances have l got to give? l've given him at least three chances, you know, where l've got pretty heavy with him, and he does nothing.
lt's like talking to a brick wall, really.
l mean, you saw how he was.
You can't get through to the guy.
l've got just as much of a sense of humour as the next man, OK, but there are limits.
You push, you push things just that little bit too far.
You upset people.
''Upset people''? People enjoy it.
Well, it's been coming a long time, really.
Just had a bit of a blow up, told him what l thought.
He gave me the sack, l'm sacked.
Apart from anything else, there was a danger of electrocution.
She had to change her clothing, and she's a shy woman, for goodness sake.
l mean She thought it was very funny.
l've spoken to her since.
And she was heading for a mini breakdown anyway, because of the pressure of the work.
(man) He considers himself the office joker.
He says it's good for good for morale.
Well, that's just an example of what we're dealing with, really, isn't it? Some of his ''pranks'', as he calls them, quite frankly, are dangerous, l think, and unhygienic quite often.
The mouse, for instance, you know? Leaving dead mice lying around.
Here's what you're doing: you're just blaming me for the fact that you run your tight ship.
- Always got an answer, haven't you? - No.
- And it's always adolescent and pathetic.
- ls it? - Can l get on? l've got lots of work to do.
- No, l've not finished yet.
Oh, l'll write him a reference, yeah.
Yeah.
l mean lt's just, you know, it's not working here for him, and maybe it will somewhere else.
Obviously it's not going to be a glowing report, but good luck to him, yeah.
l think he'll find another position.
(David) A terrible incident, and completely unrepresentative of the hundreds and thousands of decent stare-out fans.
(John) Hear, hear.
Look at thatl Uzliam tried something there.
(David) I think Solowka saw it coming all the way.
He had no problem dealing with it.
It's meat and drink to someone who can stare as well as Solowka.
They're so familiar with each other's game.
(John) And, of course, as a result of that, we've got a very well-balanced match here.
- (knock at door) - Come in.
- Hi, Steve.
- Ray, hi.
l'm gonna be a bit blunt here.
None of us are gonna leave this office until you give us a cheque for the extra work we did.
We won't be fobbed off any longer.
- Has that not come through? - No.
That's outrageous.
l don't know what's happened.
All l can say is, l'm really very sorry.
What l'll do is write you a personal cheque here and now.
How's that? - Would that be acceptable? - Yeah, great.
Oh, my goodness.
Three oranges.
You know why l keep them, don't you? (Ray) Whoa! (all laugh) Have a go.
They're just ordinary oranges.
No way, no way.
Taxi! (# ''So Danco Samba'') Phwoar.
(mutters) Phwoar.
Phwoar! Very nice.
The time's just coming up to 5.
49.
l was reading in the paper that a Lincolnshire grocer was done for selling tins of beans over 1 8 years old.
(record starts) Suppose you've gotta call them 'has-beans'.
Bit of a half-baked story there.
l wonder if that grocer's favourite actor was Sean Bean.
Or perhaps Mr Bean.
And l wonder, if they have horses in jail, do they raise up on their Heinz legs? (laughs) You're listening to Chesham 1 01 .
Coming up after the news, the lovely Janet McPhail is coming in to give us the lowdown on Tinseltown, and l hear that Hugh Grant is to appear in the new Batman movie.
ls that right, Janet? She's nodding at me through the window there.
Talking about Batman, l wonder if l l wonder if Batman l wonder if he runs his car on bat petrol.
Or if, uh Bats.
A little bit batty.
Bit of a nuisance.
OK, let's have some more music.
- Where are you going? - l don't have any cocking puns! Where are my Batman puns?! Do you want me to look stupid out there?! Right! Get writing and stop staring at me! l am sick to death of being made to look stupid on my programme! Now write! Come on, get on with it! l want puns now! Now! Five minutes! Five minutes and l want 20 Batman puns on my desk! l can see you two down there in the corner! Get writing! You don't write jokes, you don't get food, it is that bloody simple! Now get on with it! Every year thousands of children all over the country are forced to write puns for local radio stations.
Most of them simply accept their fate.
But legal help needn't be expensive.
All these children have secured their freedom through Langley and Allchurch.
If you're held captive and forced to write puns against your will, why not call us today? We're here to help.
(John) Whenever these two meet, we're reminded of that unforgettable struggle in the final of 1 968, the amateur championship.
The game lasted nine hours before Uzliam wore out Solowka.
- We can see a snatch of that.
- (David) Great.
(man) What a super match we've been treated to by these two Eastern-bloc players.
I remember the last time they met was during the Cuban missile crisis.
Such an absorbing game that it certainly took my mind off that confrontation between the superpowers.
I really don't think I can recall such tension.
The atmosphere here absolutely electric.
Marvellous stamina from these two.
Oh, my goshl Solowka has blinkedl It's all overl What a terrific performance from the Russianl Absolutely outstandingl (John) Lovely to hear Raymond Sledge's commentary there.
The voice of stare-out for so many years.
# l think l'm going back to Massachusetts Maurice Maurice Maurice! (click) (many gunshots) - No-o-o-o-o-o-o - (gunshots continue) .
.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o (gunshots continue) .
.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o .
.
o-o-o-o! No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o .
.
o-o-o! # Something's telling me l must go home l'm coming, Chaka! (sobs) I think all that speculation in the papers has made Solowka even more determined to prove his detractors wrong.
He's worked very hard to train for this championship.
You've watched him training, David, and we can now show you at home some of the footage of that training.
(David) Here he is, this is Solowka actually in training here, and my goodness me, what a sight.
You know, he is a master, and there we see a master at work.
He uses the metronome there to keep the rhythm.
He just stares at himself for ten hours every day.
And I suppose if you were getting ? 1 0,000 for exhibition matches, as he does, you'd train that hard as well.
Ray, hi.
- Right! - Don't say a word.
l know you're angry.
Just don't say another word.
Go to that top drawer and have a look.
Go on, have a look.
Oh, look! Puppies! - Hello, puppies.
Aren't you lovely? - Hello! Aw! Taxi! That's interesting.
Small scissors.
How's the BP doing? - BP normal, pulse 1 02.
- Great.
Can you get some more swabs, please, nurse? lt's getting a bit messy.
Right, thank you.
l'm not sure about this, actually.
lt looks a bit unusual.
l'm going to give Bob Metcalf a ring and make sure, OK? You guys hold the fort, l'll be back in two seconds.
Hi, Bob.
lt's Peter here.
Hi.
Yeah, look, l'm doing a routine exploratory on Mrs Brooks, and l've noticed she's got a rather sticky aortic valve, and l was a little Worried, yeah.
Really? Great.
No, no, that's fantastic, exactly what l needed to know.
Brilliant.
OK.
Super.
All right, l'll see you at Yeah, OK, yeah.
OK.
No, l wanted yeah.
l wanted to be sure, and you know.
All right, brilliant.
l'll s Yeah, l'll see you on the Yep.
(laughs) Well, no, you were the Yeah.
OK, listen, l really do h Yeah, OK, l do have Yeah.
l've got to go, l do have to go, Bob.
Sorry.
Oh! OK.
Yeah, OK.
Yeah.
OK.
Yeah, right.
No.
OK, look l'm doing an operation.
l do have to go, Bob.
Let's Yeah, OK.
Dr Grey's fallen.
l've yeah.
OK.
OK.
l OK.
Well OK.
Right, let me OK, l'm Bye-bye.
l do Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
No Yeah l've Right.
OK.
No.
Um Right, yes, she's, um No, she's dead, l think.
She's dead.
She's gone, we've lost her.
No, l can talk now.
lt's fine.
Did you? Well l was wondering, but Yeah, OK.
Well, listen, let me Yeah.
OK.
Yeah.
(John) Both players biding their time, waiting to exploit a chink in their opponent's defence.
Uzliam hasn't budged one inch.
Impassive.
Oh, I sayl That's something we don't expect to see at staring.
Attention-seeker trying to steal the headlines from the serious business of staring.
(David) Extraordinary, that was.
Absolutely extraordinary.
(John) Look at the concentration on the players' faces.
Pure professionalism.
(David) Not a flicker.
Not a flicker.
There was a fellow standing there with his, uh Well, what can you call it? .
.
hanging out, and they didn't budge an inch.
(John) You've got to say the boys in blue, the police, acted very promptly.
And that's the last that spectator will see of this match.
(David) Yeah.
(laughs) (John) Doubtless pop up on a ''what happened next?'' in some sports programme.
(David) Extraordinary stuff.
(woman screaming) (sobs) lt's all right, madam.
Everything's going to be fine.
Now just make your way to me nice and easy, there's a good girl.
Nearly there, nearly there.
Are you all right? Not long to go.
Hold tight.
Hold tight.
Nearly there.
Oh, you're a brave girl.
Yeah, nearly there.
Nearly there.
Well done, you're a brave girl.
There we go.
- Are you all right? - Are you OK, love? - That must have been quite toxic.
- lt was.
- ls there any smoke in your lungs? - No.
- l carried her from the top.
- l saw you, it was really good.
(siren) - Are you all right, love? - Yeah, l think so.
Those show-jumpers, they saved me.
Look, it really is best to wait for us.
They don't know what they're doin', them lot.
Oi! Oi! No! Get off there! - (fireman) Let us through.
- (show-jumper) We'll do it.
No, you go away! You just get off! Just both of you - We've done it before.
- l don't care, l've had enough of this.
- Look, just go away! - (they protest) l don't care.
Look, l want you to go.
You're just trouble! Yeah, get 'em back, mate.
Back behind the cars.
There's falling masonry.
Get 'em out of there, go on! l'm losing pressure! What the? Oi! - l'm trying to adjust the pressure.
- Just leave it! - lt's dripping.
- lt doesn't matter! Get away! Just clear off! - What are you doing? - lt's locked.
l'll have to go in with this.
Ow! - Do you want me to hold the axe for you? - No, l don't! Just go away.
Move back.
(show-jumper) You're doing such a good job.
Thanks for that, but you have to go over there.
Behind the fire engine, just to the left of it.
You see? Look.
Look! That's where you have to go, and go now.
Go now.
Honestly.
No! Just go away! Just go away! All right, you can give us a hand.
lt's nearly out.
Not all of you, just one of you.
You, tall skinny lad, come here.
What's your name? - Chris.
- What? - Chris.
- Chris, right, come round, get a hold.
Come on.
Get hold of that.
No, keep your eye on the job.
Keep your eye on the job.
Look where Look where you're at.
No, don't do that.
No, that's - Look, do you want to do it or not? - Yes.
That's it.
No, no, that's just stupid.
You're not gonna do anything like that.
Down a bit.
Bring it down.
No, down more.
That's it.
Good lad.
Hey, you've got it, you've got it.
That's it.
No.
No.
No, now Look Get off.
Get off.
You've spoilt No, you've spoilt it, that's it.
No, all of you.
None of you, none of you.
No.
Down a bit, that's it.
You're not paintin' a bloody house.
There! You're next.
All of you, back.
You've had a go.
That's it.
Down a bit.
Move it down a bit, that's it.
You're aiming at the base of the fire, right? All right, you next.
OK.
Get a good hold of it.
That's it.
You're a natural, you.
Excellent, very good.
Right, bring it round a little bit.
That's it.
Very good.
OK, you've had your go.
That's it.
Let go.
No, let go.
Come on, hold it properly.
lt's not a toy.
(she shrieks with glee) - Right, you've had enough.
Come on.
- Aw! They had longer.
- No, they didn't.
- They had longer! Don't fight over it.
Don't fight over it.
No.
Now get away.
You've all had a go, that's it.
Now are you happy? You've all had a go.
Now piss off!