Big Train (1998) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
#Big Train #Big Train (church bell tolls) Demons, Brother Dominic? Do demons use poison? Poison? l rather think our killer dwells somewhere closer than the underworld.
Death follows these relics, Brother Benedict.
Death and - (bursts into laughter) - Oh! Oh, you.
you pair of bloody ! - That was a good one.
- Yeah.
You really had me going there.
- ''Demons, demons!'' - l know! l know! Oh! ''Poison, poison.
'' (hysterical laughter) - ''Death and relics!'' - l know! l know! That was classic.
Absolutely classic.
(mimics pompous speech) l was laughing l tell you, wait till dinner tonight, because you are going to be the subject of a few jokes.
l did suspect You didn't! You didn't have a clue! You didn't even begin to suspect.
l did just a small bit.
l was in hysterics.
l was in absolute hysterics.
- Honestly, you looked such a twat! - No! l don't know how you can stand there Carry on as it would have been.
Go on, give us the rest of it.
Go on.
- l've never seen him so serious.
- ''Oh, he's alive again.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!'' ''Oh, another resurrection.
'' Fantastic! (alarm) (# sexy music) (man, laughing) l'll never forget! This is her introduction to the great social world of upper management! Jane, completely useless at these sort of things, waving her hands around, knickers round her ankles! l really don't think anyone's interested.
Oh! Oh, l think they are.
l think l'd be interested if Alan was telling us about Jackie - sorry, Julie - Julie with no knickers on because she couldn't find any toilet paper.
Yes, it was very embarrassing, and l would be delighted if you stopped talking about it.
l bet she would! l bet she bloody would.
l'd be very embarrassed too if my knickers were round my bandy legs.
There's not Aaargh! l'm sorry.
l hope that hasn't ruined everything, but l had just had enough.
(gurgling) (gruesome gurgling) - Everyone all right for wine? - (Julie) Yeah.
l'm fine.
(bubbling gurgle) - Julie, perhaps we'd better - Yes, you Oh, don't let him We've had such a lovely time.
l'd hate for this to ruin everything.
- No, it would be better if we left, Jane.
- Yeah, l've got a new baby-sitter, so Really? Oh, well, l'm sorry, you know? No, don't worry.
l mean, he had a bit much to drink.
We've all done it, haven't we? l'm sure there are times when Julie would quite happily stick a knife in my chest.
- Once again, l am very sorry about that.
- lt's forgotten, seriously.
Don't worry.
Listen, it really is our turn to treat you next.
How about next Thursday? Are you free? OK, yes, that would be great.
l was thinking of inviting Paul Fowler from Marketing.
Tall, blond hair? - Ah.
- Oh, yeah? l see! Aie-aie.
Thanks, everyone.
- Thanks.
- OK.
(gurgling) If you've just joined us, you're watching the 43rd World Stare-Out Championship finals.
Well, we've been eagerly awaiting this match, though it's likely to be a test for the commentators.
It's Samuel Wallace against Pipi Popstopolous.
I have to say that this match hasn't quite caught fire yet.
Popstopolous doesn't look as though he knows the match has even started.
What's going on, David? Nothing's happening.
(David) I wish I knew, John.
It's a miserable encounter.
- (slow clapping) - (John) The crowd don't like it one bit.
(man) Quiet, please.
(John) Sensible refereeing from Jacob Mycroberg, one of today's umpires.
He's the one on the left there, sitting with John Warren.
Mr Mycroberg acted promptly, I remember, against Seamus Rafferty in an earlier round, when things got out of hand against Sonny Wirtz.
Remember? It threatened to become an absolute blood bath at one stage.
But still this game refuses to come to life.
Still, at least we've got a nice cake in front of us, sent by Mrs Anna Murdoch of Grimsby.
Thank you very much, Mrs Murdoch.
Very kind of you.
(announcer) 1 0, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, - Oh, um - .
.
zero.
(man) This estate has the worst drugs problem in the Southeast, right? lt's got the worst prostitution problem, it's got the worst petty-crime problem! - (crowd) Yes! - (man #2) And we are taking an initiative.
- (man #1 ) Oh, look, look, here, here - We are! What is the good of having these two What d'you call 'em? - (woman) Plonkers! - .
.
Hall and Oates, right, coming 'ere? l mean, they don't even make any bloody records any more! What good are they? lt's very easy to be negative, and putting down - You never answer this question.
- (officer) All right.
Ask me.
What do they do?! They move around the estate, bringing their perspectives of west-coast life to the area.
- (woman) That's really gonna help us! - That's great.
That's all we f (bleep) need! - (shouting) - (man #3) What's the bottom line on this? This is worse than West Philly, some of these places.
lt's pretty damn bleak.
You know, l mean, if you look up there, you can see all of those apartments there, - they're just derelict.
- That's right.
There's chicken wire on the windows.
(scrubbing) - l thought it was an American thing.
- Yeah, l didn't know they had graffiti here.
l guess it's universal.
My partner Hall and l were wondering if you needed any groceries.
We could pop down to the shops and get you some.
- No, no no.
No.
- You sure? - Are you warm enough? - Yes, yes, l'm warm enough, yeah.
Cos, you know, l could have a word with the super, and he could come up and maybe fix your heating, if it's broken.
Oh, l tell you what.
There's a mess in the lift.
Somebody done their business in the lift.
- lt needs cleaning.
- lt's the elevator.
- Oh, right.
- lt's a mess in there.
OK, well, leave that with us, and we'll clear it up for you.
We'll get right on that.
Ugh! (gags) Oh, there it is.
(barking) - You'll love this.
There's quite a collection.
- Sally said.
l just love old postcards.
Thanks.
Oh, bloody dog.
Look at that.
Ugh! Granddad never threw anything out.
He's got thousands of them.
Most are up in Norfolk.
- Excuse me a moment, sorry.
- These are great.
Rudy! Come here! Rudy, now you be quiet! Bad dog! Bad dog! Stop barking.
Play with the ball.
Go on, play with the ball.
Right, shall we go out the back? Has your dad had that hip operation yet? Cos l know he was on the waiting list for ages.
My dad's coming up for one pretty soon.
They can be buggers, those hips, can't they? Rudy! Rudy, sit! Rudy! Sit.
Now, leave it! Rudy, sit! Leave it! Rudy, come here! (barks ferociously) Good boy.
Good dog.
Yes, you are a good doggie, you are.
Yes, you are.
He's all right.
Come on.
You still at the post office? Cos somewhere in the paper l think l read that there were redundancies coming up.
l don't know if you were affected by that.
Huh? lt's been great seeing you.
Sorry you felt out of sorts.
Must do it again.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Give us a ring.
- Sure, yeah, yeah.
- lt's been great.
lt's nice to keep in touch.
- l'll see you.
- Drive safely.
Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus, Jesus! Hello.
Hello.
Um, hi.
Not sure where to start.
l just want to say l'm looking forward to working with you, and that my office is open 24 hours a day if you have any questions about the new regime, so don't hesitate to pop in for a chat.
Really, l just want to do the job as well as Bill did, so just think of me as Bill without the beard.
l think if we do that, we can achieve something rather good.
There is one thing.
l have a phobia of something l've written on this piece of paper.
lt's my problem, so l'm not ashamed of it, but l would appreciate it if you would refrain from using, or indeed mentioning these things while l'm around.
OK.
Now, who's Mary? l'll have a little word with Mary (running) Oh! Jesus! - (John) Well, this really is a sudden change.
- (David) Oh, oh, oh, oh.
(John) Quiet beginning, but suddenly coming to life.
(David) Oh, we've got a match on our hands here, John.
Samuel Wallace butchering Popstopolous there.
It's ruthless.
Oh, just look at that.
It's frightening.
I really wouldn't want to be in Popstopolous's shoes there.
(John) Look.
An amazing reaction.
(David) Ho-ho-hol Look at that.
That's extraordinary stuff there.
(John) It really is remarkable - the way this has turned round.
- Now, look at thatl - He's done it again, John.
It's amazing.
This is really staring out of the top drawer.
Mr Karvarkian, allow me to shake your hand.
You have volunteered to remain in this cell for ten years, completely alone, with nothing but three books for company, simply so our scientists may ascertain how such treatment may affect an ape of roughly the same size as yourself.
l shake your hand again, sir.
l feel honoured to know you.
Oh, if you could just Oh, these kids are angry.
Real angry.
- They're furious.
- Yeah.
lrate.
Sparks did their best for this place for three years, but they didn't have the right edge.
Blancmange came in at the end.
Didn't even help one bit, you know.
l feel like Dave and l are really making an impact with what we're doing.
Some kids stole Oates's shades.
They took them right off my face.
lt was by the hardware shop.
He chased them, but he got tired pretty quick cos they're fast.
- l bet that hurt.
- lt really hurt.
Now l haven't got shades, but the thing is l think that l understand some of their pain, because these people can't afford shades.
They don't have the money for shades.
They're living on their dole money, and - How much is that? - lt's about ?1 4.
85p.
- Between a family of eight or nine.
- That has to last for a month sometimes.
- Where they gonna find money for shades? - Why don't we just give 'em shades? We get a whole bunch of helicopters to fly on over and just drop shades.
( Annie) l had a couple of four-year-old twins just urinate all over me.
l was trying to sing to them, and they just pissed all over me, basically.
- l had to take it though.
- OK.
OK.
- l just hate seeing this, man.
- So do l.
- You guys, l love your passion and emotion.
- There's a lot of pain in the world.
(silenced shot) Where is he? Can you hear me? Where is he? - Stay where you are! Can you hear me? - l'm just a jogger! Don't die.
Don't die.
- Where is he? Where is he? - (car horn) Come on! - Get him in.
- Move! Move! Come on! - (ringing tone) - (quacking) - lt's done.
- (quacking) OK.
(softly) Right, Oliver, come in here.
This is what we call the Central Operations room.
We have to keep quiet, cos this is where all the policemen are working very hard.
And just over there, in those drawers, that's where we keep all the details of the crimes all the bad men do.
- Over there, see those sticks on the wall? - Yes.
Those are the truncheons, so if the criminals are naughty men we have to pop them on the head like that so they won't be so naughty.
So, basically that's it.
- You start on Monday.
- Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
We're glad to have you on board.
- You were with West Midlands five years? - Yes.
Well, we're a more relaxed setup, but watch out for the chief inspector - he's a psycho.
- Ah, Mr Edwards, good to see you again.
- You, too.
This is Loretta Davis.
Yes, we've spoken on the phone.
Pleased to meet you.
- And this is Mr Austin.
- Mr Austin, delighted.
Mr Austin is very pleased to be the new owner.
As you know, he purchased the Mapleton in New York last year, but we are all particularly thrilled that he's got his hands on the Ritz.
Well, we're very pleased to accept Mr Austin's offer - subject to one or two conditions.
As you know, tradition here is very important, and we would hope that Mr Austin would bear that in mind.
We have a large number of regular guests, and they do rather like it the way it is.
l agree.
The only change l want to make is to change the name from the Ritz to the Titz.
The what? The Sorry? No, l thought it would be a great idea to change the name from the Ritz to the Titz.
Well, l'm, uh No, l understand your concern, but let me stress it will be spelt T-l-T-Z.
Not T-l-T-S.
Yes, l have to say we would not be happy with that name change.
ls this a decision that you've made recently? l've always wanted a hotel called the Titz.
We discussed this.
l would have to say again, we would vigorously oppose that name change.
Yes, but perhaps you're not hearing what l said.
lt'll be spelt T-l-T-Z, not T-l-T-S.
l'm simply changing the T.
l'm the fifth richest man in the world.
l want to own a hotel called the Titz.
l feel strongly you haven't thought this through properly.
Again, perhaps people aren't listening to me.
lt'll be spelt T-l-T-Z.
But it sounds like ''Tits''.
ln fact, when you hear it, it is ''Tits''.
l have to say, it does sound, to my ear, very much like ''Tits'', not ''Titz''.
That's because you're not saying it right.
Titz.
- Titz.
- Titz.
Titz.
- Titz.
- Titz.
Titz.
- Titz.
- Titz.
Titz.
Titz.
lt sounds like ''Tits''.
No matter how many times you say it, it will always sound like ''Tits''.
ln isolation it sounds strange, but l do intend to have a chain of hotels all called the Titz.
But let me assure you that ours will be the biggest Titz in the world.
Would anyone like to see my monkey impression? Ooh-ooh.
(crockery smashing) (screeches) - What do you mean? - l would double the price of petrol.
That would force everybody to take public transport.
There'd be less pollution and congestion, and everybody would get to work in half the time.
- Yeah, brilliant.
Yeah.
- lt makes sense.
lt really does make sense.
- lf you think about it, it's an obvious thing - Hm, what an interesting opinion.
I'm gonna pass that off as my own at some point in the future.
- (man) No, that's ridiculous.
- l'll tell you what you've got to do.
You've got to force people out of their cars, onto public transport, by doubling the price of petrol.
Then the roads are less busy, there's less pollution and journeys don't take so long.
What about people like me? lt's impractical to take young twins onto public transport.
- But you're just thinking - Laurence and l live in the country! We simply don't have any other way of getting around without a car! - Well, there'd be a system - Doubling the price of petrol! 5p on a gallon's bad enough.
When did you think that up? - Well, pollution is bad - Pollution! Where we live isn't polluted, Paul.
Since the local bus service went, we simply don't have any other way of getting around! How do you get around? Do you fly?! (derisive laughter) You clown! You stupid bastard! l hate you! l hate you! You bollocks! You bollocks! l hate you! l hate you! (man) Passing off opinions as your own never works.
Face it, you can't cut it in the real world.
Join the army, nowl Are we all clear about Wednesday? Because l think that might be quite an arduous task.
- How's the BP, by the way? - Yeah, BP level's normal.
- Great.
- Pulse is 1 1 0.
- Who have we got? - l've been onto a couple of people.
- Stewart Feelmeup's in for it.
- (woman) Willy Poopenhoop's keen.
Great, because if he comes, then Graham Vagbanger will definitely be on.
Greg Regulationpenis has called off.
- He wants to work with Jesus Gurgletrouser.
- Yes.
Good, super.
Did you get that message from Holly Phlegmgloch? Yes.
She passed on the message about Glenda Eatmybrick.
Apparently they'll both be here, which is good, because they're particularly fantastic at the anaesthetic stuff.
(woman) Roy Pootwist is coming.
Yes, he said he would only come if Dave Hoitybeaver lf Hoitybeaver's in, then Fudge Monkey's gonna follow, and that'll be great.
Unfortunately Gordon Ha-aha-aha-aha-aha doesn't want anything to do with it.
l'm glad, to be honest.
The last time l worked with him l found his work disappointing.
- Stephen Randygland.
- Yes, he's in.
And also the Menstrualpiss twins.
(John) I think we can describe him as a long-serving official.
This contest has been going on for six hours.
Such a tight contest, this.
(David) What a match, John.
It's extraordinary stuff, this.
(John) Oh, and we have an intruderl Goodness me, this is a real test here for Popstopolous.
It's a wasp, and not a flicker from him.
It's on his nose, and he's still not moving.
(David) I don't believe it.
He hasn't batted an eyelid.
It's right in front of his staring gaze there and not a flicker.
- Extraordinary stuff.
- And so unfair, but he survives - (applause) - .
.
and still stares at his man.
(drum roll) You have been found guilty of dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy.
Do you have anything to say? Present your pieces.
(drum roll) Prepare to give fire.
- Oh - Fire! Um, l think something simple.
l think John would have wanted something simple.
Yes, of course.
We're not one of those firms that would try to force you into taking an inappropriate casket.
- Many people prefer less ornate ones.
- (click-clack of table-tennis ball) May l ask, Mrs Dean, how old was your husband? He was 43.
Oh, dear, that's terribly young.
l'm very sorry.
Um, now, you said you were thinking of having some music played at the funeral.
- Did you have any particular piece in mind? - Um Sorry, it's very difficult to concentrate with this table-tennis match going on.
- Lads, could you keep it down a bit, please? - Yes, sorry.
All right.
Right, so the music might be second - that would be nice.
Um, plain pine casket - we've discussed that.
Now, what flowers did you have in mind? Um flowers? How do you mean, wreaths or? Um Sorry, is that still? Lads, come on, finish up now please, quick as you can.
- How many relatives in the limousine? - Six altogether.
- Six, right.
And are they close relatives? - Yes.
- Argh! - Sorry.
- l'm so sorry, Mrs Dean.
Are you all right? - Sorry.
That is it! No more table tennis in here any more.
That's it, final! Right? - l'm so sorry.
- Sorry.
l can't apologise enough.
Has he hurt you? Are you all right to carry on? All right.
Sorry about that.
- Right.
The funeral cortege.
- (rattling) Now, the ceremony is at 1 0.
45, isn't it? Yes! We were talking to the local vicar, Gordon Wilkins - he's up at All Saints.
He said he'd been down to talk to you, and he was concerned because he seemed to have quite a hard time around here.
Are you safe? Are you using safe sex? Because you see a lot of johns every day - What do you think?! - Well, l don't mean to What d'you want, mate? What d'you want? We know a lady down at the JobCentre.
She's very nice.
- (Hall) Glynis.
- We have a job! You're stopping us doing it! Do you want something or not? And if you don't want something, then f (bleep) off! - l l - You're really pissing me off! Hey, hey, don't push Oates over! Ooh! No one's interested.
lt's the '90s, innit? They were in the '70s.
- Think they'll do some good? - No.
- Why's that? - There's just something about 'em.
# Doo-wop, doo-wop Doo-wop, do-da-doo-wah - # Doo-wop, doo-wop - # Doo-wop, a-doo-wop (both carry on doo-wopping) - You know, we could go on.
- We could do that forever, let me tell ya.
Natasha Cohn
Death follows these relics, Brother Benedict.
Death and - (bursts into laughter) - Oh! Oh, you.
you pair of bloody ! - That was a good one.
- Yeah.
You really had me going there.
- ''Demons, demons!'' - l know! l know! Oh! ''Poison, poison.
'' (hysterical laughter) - ''Death and relics!'' - l know! l know! That was classic.
Absolutely classic.
(mimics pompous speech) l was laughing l tell you, wait till dinner tonight, because you are going to be the subject of a few jokes.
l did suspect You didn't! You didn't have a clue! You didn't even begin to suspect.
l did just a small bit.
l was in hysterics.
l was in absolute hysterics.
- Honestly, you looked such a twat! - No! l don't know how you can stand there Carry on as it would have been.
Go on, give us the rest of it.
Go on.
- l've never seen him so serious.
- ''Oh, he's alive again.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!'' ''Oh, another resurrection.
'' Fantastic! (alarm) (# sexy music) (man, laughing) l'll never forget! This is her introduction to the great social world of upper management! Jane, completely useless at these sort of things, waving her hands around, knickers round her ankles! l really don't think anyone's interested.
Oh! Oh, l think they are.
l think l'd be interested if Alan was telling us about Jackie - sorry, Julie - Julie with no knickers on because she couldn't find any toilet paper.
Yes, it was very embarrassing, and l would be delighted if you stopped talking about it.
l bet she would! l bet she bloody would.
l'd be very embarrassed too if my knickers were round my bandy legs.
There's not Aaargh! l'm sorry.
l hope that hasn't ruined everything, but l had just had enough.
(gurgling) (gruesome gurgling) - Everyone all right for wine? - (Julie) Yeah.
l'm fine.
(bubbling gurgle) - Julie, perhaps we'd better - Yes, you Oh, don't let him We've had such a lovely time.
l'd hate for this to ruin everything.
- No, it would be better if we left, Jane.
- Yeah, l've got a new baby-sitter, so Really? Oh, well, l'm sorry, you know? No, don't worry.
l mean, he had a bit much to drink.
We've all done it, haven't we? l'm sure there are times when Julie would quite happily stick a knife in my chest.
- Once again, l am very sorry about that.
- lt's forgotten, seriously.
Don't worry.
Listen, it really is our turn to treat you next.
How about next Thursday? Are you free? OK, yes, that would be great.
l was thinking of inviting Paul Fowler from Marketing.
Tall, blond hair? - Ah.
- Oh, yeah? l see! Aie-aie.
Thanks, everyone.
- Thanks.
- OK.
(gurgling) If you've just joined us, you're watching the 43rd World Stare-Out Championship finals.
Well, we've been eagerly awaiting this match, though it's likely to be a test for the commentators.
It's Samuel Wallace against Pipi Popstopolous.
I have to say that this match hasn't quite caught fire yet.
Popstopolous doesn't look as though he knows the match has even started.
What's going on, David? Nothing's happening.
(David) I wish I knew, John.
It's a miserable encounter.
- (slow clapping) - (John) The crowd don't like it one bit.
(man) Quiet, please.
(John) Sensible refereeing from Jacob Mycroberg, one of today's umpires.
He's the one on the left there, sitting with John Warren.
Mr Mycroberg acted promptly, I remember, against Seamus Rafferty in an earlier round, when things got out of hand against Sonny Wirtz.
Remember? It threatened to become an absolute blood bath at one stage.
But still this game refuses to come to life.
Still, at least we've got a nice cake in front of us, sent by Mrs Anna Murdoch of Grimsby.
Thank you very much, Mrs Murdoch.
Very kind of you.
(announcer) 1 0, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, - Oh, um - .
.
zero.
(man) This estate has the worst drugs problem in the Southeast, right? lt's got the worst prostitution problem, it's got the worst petty-crime problem! - (crowd) Yes! - (man #2) And we are taking an initiative.
- (man #1 ) Oh, look, look, here, here - We are! What is the good of having these two What d'you call 'em? - (woman) Plonkers! - .
.
Hall and Oates, right, coming 'ere? l mean, they don't even make any bloody records any more! What good are they? lt's very easy to be negative, and putting down - You never answer this question.
- (officer) All right.
Ask me.
What do they do?! They move around the estate, bringing their perspectives of west-coast life to the area.
- (woman) That's really gonna help us! - That's great.
That's all we f (bleep) need! - (shouting) - (man #3) What's the bottom line on this? This is worse than West Philly, some of these places.
lt's pretty damn bleak.
You know, l mean, if you look up there, you can see all of those apartments there, - they're just derelict.
- That's right.
There's chicken wire on the windows.
(scrubbing) - l thought it was an American thing.
- Yeah, l didn't know they had graffiti here.
l guess it's universal.
My partner Hall and l were wondering if you needed any groceries.
We could pop down to the shops and get you some.
- No, no no.
No.
- You sure? - Are you warm enough? - Yes, yes, l'm warm enough, yeah.
Cos, you know, l could have a word with the super, and he could come up and maybe fix your heating, if it's broken.
Oh, l tell you what.
There's a mess in the lift.
Somebody done their business in the lift.
- lt needs cleaning.
- lt's the elevator.
- Oh, right.
- lt's a mess in there.
OK, well, leave that with us, and we'll clear it up for you.
We'll get right on that.
Ugh! (gags) Oh, there it is.
(barking) - You'll love this.
There's quite a collection.
- Sally said.
l just love old postcards.
Thanks.
Oh, bloody dog.
Look at that.
Ugh! Granddad never threw anything out.
He's got thousands of them.
Most are up in Norfolk.
- Excuse me a moment, sorry.
- These are great.
Rudy! Come here! Rudy, now you be quiet! Bad dog! Bad dog! Stop barking.
Play with the ball.
Go on, play with the ball.
Right, shall we go out the back? Has your dad had that hip operation yet? Cos l know he was on the waiting list for ages.
My dad's coming up for one pretty soon.
They can be buggers, those hips, can't they? Rudy! Rudy, sit! Rudy! Sit.
Now, leave it! Rudy, sit! Leave it! Rudy, come here! (barks ferociously) Good boy.
Good dog.
Yes, you are a good doggie, you are.
Yes, you are.
He's all right.
Come on.
You still at the post office? Cos somewhere in the paper l think l read that there were redundancies coming up.
l don't know if you were affected by that.
Huh? lt's been great seeing you.
Sorry you felt out of sorts.
Must do it again.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Give us a ring.
- Sure, yeah, yeah.
- lt's been great.
lt's nice to keep in touch.
- l'll see you.
- Drive safely.
Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus, Jesus! Hello.
Hello.
Um, hi.
Not sure where to start.
l just want to say l'm looking forward to working with you, and that my office is open 24 hours a day if you have any questions about the new regime, so don't hesitate to pop in for a chat.
Really, l just want to do the job as well as Bill did, so just think of me as Bill without the beard.
l think if we do that, we can achieve something rather good.
There is one thing.
l have a phobia of something l've written on this piece of paper.
lt's my problem, so l'm not ashamed of it, but l would appreciate it if you would refrain from using, or indeed mentioning these things while l'm around.
OK.
Now, who's Mary? l'll have a little word with Mary (running) Oh! Jesus! - (John) Well, this really is a sudden change.
- (David) Oh, oh, oh, oh.
(John) Quiet beginning, but suddenly coming to life.
(David) Oh, we've got a match on our hands here, John.
Samuel Wallace butchering Popstopolous there.
It's ruthless.
Oh, just look at that.
It's frightening.
I really wouldn't want to be in Popstopolous's shoes there.
(John) Look.
An amazing reaction.
(David) Ho-ho-hol Look at that.
That's extraordinary stuff there.
(John) It really is remarkable - the way this has turned round.
- Now, look at thatl - He's done it again, John.
It's amazing.
This is really staring out of the top drawer.
Mr Karvarkian, allow me to shake your hand.
You have volunteered to remain in this cell for ten years, completely alone, with nothing but three books for company, simply so our scientists may ascertain how such treatment may affect an ape of roughly the same size as yourself.
l shake your hand again, sir.
l feel honoured to know you.
Oh, if you could just Oh, these kids are angry.
Real angry.
- They're furious.
- Yeah.
lrate.
Sparks did their best for this place for three years, but they didn't have the right edge.
Blancmange came in at the end.
Didn't even help one bit, you know.
l feel like Dave and l are really making an impact with what we're doing.
Some kids stole Oates's shades.
They took them right off my face.
lt was by the hardware shop.
He chased them, but he got tired pretty quick cos they're fast.
- l bet that hurt.
- lt really hurt.
Now l haven't got shades, but the thing is l think that l understand some of their pain, because these people can't afford shades.
They don't have the money for shades.
They're living on their dole money, and - How much is that? - lt's about ?1 4.
85p.
- Between a family of eight or nine.
- That has to last for a month sometimes.
- Where they gonna find money for shades? - Why don't we just give 'em shades? We get a whole bunch of helicopters to fly on over and just drop shades.
( Annie) l had a couple of four-year-old twins just urinate all over me.
l was trying to sing to them, and they just pissed all over me, basically.
- l had to take it though.
- OK.
OK.
- l just hate seeing this, man.
- So do l.
- You guys, l love your passion and emotion.
- There's a lot of pain in the world.
(silenced shot) Where is he? Can you hear me? Where is he? - Stay where you are! Can you hear me? - l'm just a jogger! Don't die.
Don't die.
- Where is he? Where is he? - (car horn) Come on! - Get him in.
- Move! Move! Come on! - (ringing tone) - (quacking) - lt's done.
- (quacking) OK.
(softly) Right, Oliver, come in here.
This is what we call the Central Operations room.
We have to keep quiet, cos this is where all the policemen are working very hard.
And just over there, in those drawers, that's where we keep all the details of the crimes all the bad men do.
- Over there, see those sticks on the wall? - Yes.
Those are the truncheons, so if the criminals are naughty men we have to pop them on the head like that so they won't be so naughty.
So, basically that's it.
- You start on Monday.
- Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
We're glad to have you on board.
- You were with West Midlands five years? - Yes.
Well, we're a more relaxed setup, but watch out for the chief inspector - he's a psycho.
- Ah, Mr Edwards, good to see you again.
- You, too.
This is Loretta Davis.
Yes, we've spoken on the phone.
Pleased to meet you.
- And this is Mr Austin.
- Mr Austin, delighted.
Mr Austin is very pleased to be the new owner.
As you know, he purchased the Mapleton in New York last year, but we are all particularly thrilled that he's got his hands on the Ritz.
Well, we're very pleased to accept Mr Austin's offer - subject to one or two conditions.
As you know, tradition here is very important, and we would hope that Mr Austin would bear that in mind.
We have a large number of regular guests, and they do rather like it the way it is.
l agree.
The only change l want to make is to change the name from the Ritz to the Titz.
The what? The Sorry? No, l thought it would be a great idea to change the name from the Ritz to the Titz.
Well, l'm, uh No, l understand your concern, but let me stress it will be spelt T-l-T-Z.
Not T-l-T-S.
Yes, l have to say we would not be happy with that name change.
ls this a decision that you've made recently? l've always wanted a hotel called the Titz.
We discussed this.
l would have to say again, we would vigorously oppose that name change.
Yes, but perhaps you're not hearing what l said.
lt'll be spelt T-l-T-Z, not T-l-T-S.
l'm simply changing the T.
l'm the fifth richest man in the world.
l want to own a hotel called the Titz.
l feel strongly you haven't thought this through properly.
Again, perhaps people aren't listening to me.
lt'll be spelt T-l-T-Z.
But it sounds like ''Tits''.
ln fact, when you hear it, it is ''Tits''.
l have to say, it does sound, to my ear, very much like ''Tits'', not ''Titz''.
That's because you're not saying it right.
Titz.
- Titz.
- Titz.
Titz.
- Titz.
- Titz.
Titz.
- Titz.
- Titz.
Titz.
Titz.
lt sounds like ''Tits''.
No matter how many times you say it, it will always sound like ''Tits''.
ln isolation it sounds strange, but l do intend to have a chain of hotels all called the Titz.
But let me assure you that ours will be the biggest Titz in the world.
Would anyone like to see my monkey impression? Ooh-ooh.
(crockery smashing) (screeches) - What do you mean? - l would double the price of petrol.
That would force everybody to take public transport.
There'd be less pollution and congestion, and everybody would get to work in half the time.
- Yeah, brilliant.
Yeah.
- lt makes sense.
lt really does make sense.
- lf you think about it, it's an obvious thing - Hm, what an interesting opinion.
I'm gonna pass that off as my own at some point in the future.
- (man) No, that's ridiculous.
- l'll tell you what you've got to do.
You've got to force people out of their cars, onto public transport, by doubling the price of petrol.
Then the roads are less busy, there's less pollution and journeys don't take so long.
What about people like me? lt's impractical to take young twins onto public transport.
- But you're just thinking - Laurence and l live in the country! We simply don't have any other way of getting around without a car! - Well, there'd be a system - Doubling the price of petrol! 5p on a gallon's bad enough.
When did you think that up? - Well, pollution is bad - Pollution! Where we live isn't polluted, Paul.
Since the local bus service went, we simply don't have any other way of getting around! How do you get around? Do you fly?! (derisive laughter) You clown! You stupid bastard! l hate you! l hate you! You bollocks! You bollocks! l hate you! l hate you! (man) Passing off opinions as your own never works.
Face it, you can't cut it in the real world.
Join the army, nowl Are we all clear about Wednesday? Because l think that might be quite an arduous task.
- How's the BP, by the way? - Yeah, BP level's normal.
- Great.
- Pulse is 1 1 0.
- Who have we got? - l've been onto a couple of people.
- Stewart Feelmeup's in for it.
- (woman) Willy Poopenhoop's keen.
Great, because if he comes, then Graham Vagbanger will definitely be on.
Greg Regulationpenis has called off.
- He wants to work with Jesus Gurgletrouser.
- Yes.
Good, super.
Did you get that message from Holly Phlegmgloch? Yes.
She passed on the message about Glenda Eatmybrick.
Apparently they'll both be here, which is good, because they're particularly fantastic at the anaesthetic stuff.
(woman) Roy Pootwist is coming.
Yes, he said he would only come if Dave Hoitybeaver lf Hoitybeaver's in, then Fudge Monkey's gonna follow, and that'll be great.
Unfortunately Gordon Ha-aha-aha-aha-aha doesn't want anything to do with it.
l'm glad, to be honest.
The last time l worked with him l found his work disappointing.
- Stephen Randygland.
- Yes, he's in.
And also the Menstrualpiss twins.
(John) I think we can describe him as a long-serving official.
This contest has been going on for six hours.
Such a tight contest, this.
(David) What a match, John.
It's extraordinary stuff, this.
(John) Oh, and we have an intruderl Goodness me, this is a real test here for Popstopolous.
It's a wasp, and not a flicker from him.
It's on his nose, and he's still not moving.
(David) I don't believe it.
He hasn't batted an eyelid.
It's right in front of his staring gaze there and not a flicker.
- Extraordinary stuff.
- And so unfair, but he survives - (applause) - .
.
and still stares at his man.
(drum roll) You have been found guilty of dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy.
Do you have anything to say? Present your pieces.
(drum roll) Prepare to give fire.
- Oh - Fire! Um, l think something simple.
l think John would have wanted something simple.
Yes, of course.
We're not one of those firms that would try to force you into taking an inappropriate casket.
- Many people prefer less ornate ones.
- (click-clack of table-tennis ball) May l ask, Mrs Dean, how old was your husband? He was 43.
Oh, dear, that's terribly young.
l'm very sorry.
Um, now, you said you were thinking of having some music played at the funeral.
- Did you have any particular piece in mind? - Um Sorry, it's very difficult to concentrate with this table-tennis match going on.
- Lads, could you keep it down a bit, please? - Yes, sorry.
All right.
Right, so the music might be second - that would be nice.
Um, plain pine casket - we've discussed that.
Now, what flowers did you have in mind? Um flowers? How do you mean, wreaths or? Um Sorry, is that still? Lads, come on, finish up now please, quick as you can.
- How many relatives in the limousine? - Six altogether.
- Six, right.
And are they close relatives? - Yes.
- Argh! - Sorry.
- l'm so sorry, Mrs Dean.
Are you all right? - Sorry.
That is it! No more table tennis in here any more.
That's it, final! Right? - l'm so sorry.
- Sorry.
l can't apologise enough.
Has he hurt you? Are you all right to carry on? All right.
Sorry about that.
- Right.
The funeral cortege.
- (rattling) Now, the ceremony is at 1 0.
45, isn't it? Yes! We were talking to the local vicar, Gordon Wilkins - he's up at All Saints.
He said he'd been down to talk to you, and he was concerned because he seemed to have quite a hard time around here.
Are you safe? Are you using safe sex? Because you see a lot of johns every day - What do you think?! - Well, l don't mean to What d'you want, mate? What d'you want? We know a lady down at the JobCentre.
She's very nice.
- (Hall) Glynis.
- We have a job! You're stopping us doing it! Do you want something or not? And if you don't want something, then f (bleep) off! - l l - You're really pissing me off! Hey, hey, don't push Oates over! Ooh! No one's interested.
lt's the '90s, innit? They were in the '70s.
- Think they'll do some good? - No.
- Why's that? - There's just something about 'em.
# Doo-wop, doo-wop Doo-wop, do-da-doo-wah - # Doo-wop, doo-wop - # Doo-wop, a-doo-wop (both carry on doo-wopping) - You know, we could go on.
- We could do that forever, let me tell ya.
Natasha Cohn