Big Train (1998) s02e04 Episode Script

(mystical music) And so, it may appear that the course of everyday events is random and without design, but it is not so.
Every experience we have, everything that happens to us, - has purpose and meaning.
- (creaking) # Big Train # Big Train # .
.
by the hand and lead you through the streets of London # l'll show you something # To make you change your mind Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
OK.
l'd like to, uh l'd like to try a new song now.
(glass smashes) - What's he doing? - No idea.
- This one is one that l - ''Streets of London''! - l've just done that.
This is a new song - (man) ''Streets of London''! No, l've just done that one.
Just finished doing it.
- This is a new song, which l'm sure - ''Streets of London''! - .
.
you'll all enjoy.
This one's called - ''Streets of London''.
- What are you doing? - This song's called ''The Highwayman''.
- (man) What? - (guitar begins) # A highwayman came a-calling - What is this?! - # Came a-callin' at my door - # Saw my rags - ''Streets of London''! # Saw that we were poor ''Streets of London''! - No! - No.
''Streets of London''.
# That wicked highwayman - ''Streets of London''.
- Stop it! - (abrupt song change) - # How can you tell me you're lonely (singing drowned out by cheers and whistles) Course l miss her.
l miss her every single day.
Um But when l think of the way that, uh, Jerry lost his wife You know, the way she died lt was just so sudden.
And Just horrible, you know? (sniffs) Just coming to this group has really (party music) (music cuts out) When my sister my twin sister um was killed, it was just the sort of guilt, l think, of feeling like it should (party music) (music cuts out) Ho-ho-ho-ho! Look at that! Find of the day.
Oh, my goodness.
Where's the brush? l'm gonna take this out really gently, but it's very intact.
Look at that.
Look at that.
Hello.
That's Roman, probably second century AD.
This is something that probably belonged to a noblewoman, probably a general's wife or That's mine.
lt's mine.
l dropped that one earlier.
- lt's yours? But it was under - Yeah.
No, it's definitely mine, because of the snake snake thing.
Can l have it? - Right, yeah.
Sorry, l didn't realise - lt is mine.
Just get on with your digging.
- Detectotronic's functional.
- Biomechanical system's working perfectly.
OK.
- Time to wake up, Jon.
- Yes.
Wake up.
- You're the future of law enforcement.
- (woozily) Wh what's going on? You've been chosen, Jon.
You are the future of law enforcement.
(slurred) You've you've put me in a cardboard box? Yes.
lt's fantastic, isn't it? Why why have you put me in a cardboard box? Don't get upset, Jon.
You'll blow all your electric neurotransmitters.
- What am l supposed to do? - Get out there.
Get out there and enforce the law, FutureCop.
Can you help me up? (dramatic music) - Nice work, Doug.
- Yes.
Brilliant.
- (man) Quick, run! - (sirens) (police radio) - We need backup! - (noise and confusion) - ls your man ready? - Just you watch, Chief.
Just you watch.
(officer) l hope he's good.
(gunfire) (comedy bassoon music) This is the strongest there is.
lt does paper and wood.
Metal.
lt's completely waterproof and it's basically top of the product range in this area.
(Dutch accent) l was told you had something a little stronger.
Sorry? l was told you had something a little (whispers) stronger.
No.
No, this is the strongest.
You know what l mean.
l don't know what you mean.
Honestly, this is the strongest glue on the market.
Come on.
You know what l'm talking about.
(nervously) l don't know what you're talking about.
(mutters) l'll go and see the manager - You the fella wanting extra-strong glue? - That's right, yes.
As young Harvey told you, this is the strongest on the market.
You won't find any elsewhere.
Come on.
l'm telling you, there's nowt stronger than that.
Come on.
Come with me.
Sit yourself down.
(manager exhales) l hope you know what you're getting yourself into.
- Can l ask who told you about us? - You don't need to know.
- Was it John King? - Former manager of Tranmere Rovers? - Yes.
- No.
Right then.
(Dutch man) At last.
Sticko-Extra.
l never thought that l would see this.
Listen, uh, you don't have to answer this, but will you be using it on animals or people? (gasps) - Dr Offenbach? - l am his nephew.
Pleasure to meet you, sir.
(laughter and noise) (silence) Uh, pint of lager, please.
(woman) Right, very good.
(children) Yes! OK.
Whose go is it? Right.
You do that one, Bobby.
- Yeah! - Hiya.
(crowd roars) (cheering suddenly stops) (silence) What about Tuesday? No.
Can't.
There's been a terrible outbreak of cholera in Delhi.
l'd better get along, check it out.
- What about Wednesday then? - Um No, Wednesday is the flood in Bangladesh.
- Oh, that's a disaster.
- Thursday? Um, no, no.
l'm doing a malaria thing for Comic Relief.
To tell you the truth, l think next week is out entirely.
l mean, l really like the sound of paintballing Uh Maybe at the end of the month, when l come back from Rome.
Hm? (man #2) Yeah, OK.
Don't stay in the sun too long, you might shrivel up.
- (laughs) l'm shrivelled up already.
- l mean even more than you are already.
l'll just write a few things in my Filofax and l'll be in right away.
- All right.
Bye.
See you later.
- All right.
Now, let's see Oh, my God.
Rick.
Rick! - What is it? - She's totally shrivelled up.
My God! (squeaky voice) Don't worry, boys.
Calm down, this has happened before.
Just put me in water.
lt's no problem.
l've just absorbed too much water.
l'll just stay out here in the sun.
l'll be fine.
(shouts in foreign language) (voiceover) How would you deal with this situation? He's confused, afraid.
Sometimes desperate people can do desperate things.
Some tourists don't even speak English.
Does he want to visit the Crown Jewels or buy a postcard from the shop? Maybe he wants to know why there aren't any ravens today.
What would you do? Well done.
He just wanted to use the toilet.
The Beefeaters.
Have you got what it takes? There we go.
Look at that.
Hello, soldier.
That's a centurion's helmet.
About 800 years ago that guy - Did you find that tucked into the soil there? - lt was there.
- Because l think that might be my helmet.
- But it was buried.
l can tell, if l can get my arm around it like Yes.
You see? What l would normally do is l would wear it like that - and the snake would go - Go on the back.
lt does lt looks lt does suit you.
Anyway, it was buried, so it must've got covered up.
What l'll do is remove the topsoil here.
Get in the digger and start a new grid.
- That's my digger.
- lt's what? That's my digger.
lf you could do digging down here.
- That's your digger? - lt's mine, yes.
All l can say is we're looking forward to you working with us.
lt was an excellent interview and you've got a very impressive CV.
We had no choice, to tell the truth.
l'm thrilled.
When l saw the job three years ago l was gutted because l'd taken the position in Dubai.
- Well, it's all worked out.
- Can l just say thank you so much.
- l suppose we should mention the - The strings, yeah? Shouldn't be a problem, we can work round them.
You mustn't be embarrassed to mention the strings.
- ls it all right if we? - No, go ahead.
Oh.
- That's very interesting, isn't it? - Of course.
l suppose they're the Thunderbird type strings, are they? Basically, yes - but l'm not a puppet.
Oh, about my pension plan l hope there aren't any strings attached.
Sorry to bring it up again.
Are they very restricting? l have trouble with doorways and have to be disassembled to go from one room to the next.
That's why l arrived in a box and you had to put me together.
l wondered what that was about when you came in.
Well, Colin, we'll see you next week.
And great to have you onboard.
Oh, l meant to ask, is that your convertible out there? - Open top? l have trouble with the - Of course, yeah.
And what about the old how's-yer-father? What about sex? Prefer it on top.
Well, we say if you're talented, that's all that counts.
lt's enough for us.
(knock) There's Jenny.
She's a glove puppet.
You'll be working closely with her (Jenny) Hello.
- .
.
in very much a hands-on fashion.
- More like hands-in fashion.
Yes.
lt's really very nice.
The material on the dress is in very good condition, as is the hair.
Some lovely lacework here.
How long have you had it? l've had it about 60 years.
Since l was a little girl.
That long? Really? Well, l know it's rather impolite to ask a lady her age, but how old are you? - l'm 67.
- Gosh.
Really? That's amazing.
l thought you were in your late twenties.
Such a pretty little thing.
So, value.
- How much do you think it's worth? - Well, l really don't know.
Well, l would say this is probably worth around ten million pounds.
Really? l had no idea.
lt's good, isn't it? Would you, uh Would you mind if l? Gerald.
Come on.
Back to the antiques.
- Where you going? - Camden.
- Camden, 1 5 pounds.
Dave? - Yeah? - Can you take these two to Camden? - Sure.
See you later.
Follow me.
(they chat) Anywhere on the left here is great.
How much is that? - 1 5 quid please.
- Okey-dokey.
1 5, 1 7, thanks a lot.
Thanks very much, mate.
Have a good night.
Hello.
My name is Dominic Flasks.
I work in a zoo, and this is what I do.
(soft rock music) l think he's very good.
Very confident with the animals.
He's got a very good look, very distinct.
Hm.
You don't think he's perhaps too obvious a choice? No, l don't.
We should get him in for a chat.
My name is Dominic Flasks.
You've seen what I can do - now let me do it for you.
- Thanks for coming in, Dominic.
- Right.
- Do you mind if we tape this? - No.
Not at all.
Great.
So, what have you been up to lately? l've been doing a lot of zookeeping, in Bristol, mainly.
l'm really enjoying looking after sea lions.
Well, you know l enjoy looking after all the animals.
l like 'em all.
OK.
That sounds great.
One thing we noticed from your showreel was your hat that said ''Zookeeper''.
Yeah.
Actually, that one belonged to Bristol Zoo.
Oh, so you haven't got your own hat? Yeah.
l got a hat.
Sorry, l didn't know l had to bring it in.
No, it's all right, it's all right.
Sorry to ask, it's just the way the industry's going.
- But l have got one.
- Right.
OK.
Shall we try one? Yeah.
- Anything you want me to particularly do? - Just have fun with it.
Right.
These beautiful, flowing classical lines, very typical of this particular type of Art-Deco figurine.
- Now, have you any others like this? - No.
That's the only one.
Hm.
Because it's common for these to be part of a set.
But it's really rather beautiful.
Now, have you any idea how much it's worth? l did have it valued about ten years ago.
And l was told it was worth about a hundred pounds.
Mm.
Well, these pieces have become very popular in recent years.
And l would say this particular piece should be insured for no less than 50 million pounds.
Good gosh.
Oh.
Really? That's quite a lot.
You know we're gonna go to bed together, don't you? l know it and l think you know it too.
- Neither of us can fight it.
- Gerald.
Come on.
Back to the antiques.
(# ''Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush'' on xylophone) - How are you today, Billy? - l'm very well, Betty.
lsn't it a beautiful day? l'll just stop you there.
- The text is probably lt needs - (man) What, you think it's a bit basic? lt's too basic, l think.
l know what he's getting at, but l have a problem with Alan's position.
l need to exit cleanly when Auntie Mabel arrives.
- Yeah.
lt's a bit of a problem for me too.
- We'll worry about the text for the moment.
l'd like you, Philippa, at ''lt's a beautiful day'', blah, blah, blah, could you take your shoes off? l may have a problem with that, because, well - Well but can you try it? - (she struggles) ( Alan) l've got a problem Yeah, l've got the same problem taking off my trousers in scene six.
No, it's not gonna work, is it? Let's just let's look at the script.
(both struggle, Alan tuts) No.
This is No, th-that's mine.
Come on.
Where is she? We'll miss the start of the show.
She's hasn't been here before.
lt's probably taking her time finding the house.
- (doorbell) - Oh, great.
That's her.
(# Tchaikovsky's ''The Nutcracker''plays) Hi.
Come in.
- Jo, hi.
- Sorry l'm late.
l couldn't find the address.
We're running a bit late too, so we'll head straight off.
This is Dame Margot Fonteyn.
lf you could just give her a cup of cocoa about eight and then send her to bed about nine.
ls there anything else she needs to know? She's a very elegant lady, so try not to swear in front of her or be coarse in any way.
l was expecting a child? Dame Margot isn't a child.
- She's the first lady of British ballet.
- Right.
Better get a move on.
OK.
Back around ten.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Oh, shit.
My husband, who knows a bit more than me about these things, thinks it might be worth about 200 pounds.
Well, l think it's worth a bit more than that.
Now, l would say that this particular piece, at today's prices, would fetch on the market somewhere in the region of 1 5 billion pounds.
That's a lot more than l'd thought.
- Surprised? - Oh, yes, very surprised.
Would you mind if l just? Yes.
You're very beautiful without your glasses.
l just Gerald, get your hands off the tits.
You know that's not allowed.
For goodness sake.
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- Don't eat all the Twiglets.
- l can't help it.
- You have put the potatoes on? Sure? - (doorbell) Oh, that'll be them.
- Hello! - (woman #2) Sorry! Hi! - Go through.
l was getting nervous! - l know.
A lot of traffic.
- Bit of a long drive.
Sorry we're so late.
- Oh, dear.
Come in.
- Hello, Bill.
- Hi.
- Good to see you.
Do you mind if l? - No.
Straight through.
- You sure you don't mind? - No, not at all.
Four hours in the car.
Not surprised he's dying for it.
Actually, l would love one of those.
Do you mind if l Shall l help myself? - You stay there.
l'll get you one of those.
- Oh, thanks, Bill.
There you are, one sherry for you.
That's mine.
- Oh, dear, goodness me.
- Phew! Wow.
Thank you.
Cheers, Bill, that is so sweet of you.
l don't think l know anyone that would have let their friend have sex with their wife just cos they were a bit desperate.
l would have done it with Sarah, but l thought, cos l'm here why not do it with Emma? Um, l thought (stammers) To be honest, l thought you meant you just wanted to go to the toilet.
l l did mean that l wanted to go to the toilet, but l wanted to have sex more than that, you know? So, l thought you What did you think l meant? Well, l presumed you meant you wanted to have sex.
That's why l had sex with you.
l presumed you meant sex.
- Ooh.
- (embarrassed laughter) lf it makes you feel any better, then have sex with Sarah.
Um - How do you feel about that, Sarah? - Yeah.
Not a problem.
No No, l don't think No.
Well, this is a bit awkward, isn't it? Maybe we should go.
No.
You know No.
l'm just a bit bit surprised.
Look, l know.
Why don't you have sex with all three of us? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, no, then that would be an orgy and l'm really To be honest, l was just looking forward to a nice quiet dinner.
lt wouldn't be an orgy because we'd have sex with each other in turn, it wouldn't be like we were all having sex at the same time.
Daniel's being really generous.
He's not even gay and he's offering to have sex with you.
lt doesn't bother me.
lt doesn't bother me at all.
What do you say? Well, l Well, maybe.
As long as l get a blow job.
(Emma clears her throat) (sighs) l think we're gonna go.
l'm sorry.
- l'm sorry.
- No, l'm sorry.
But, you know - (Emma) l'll speak to you in the morning? - Yeah.
lt's not your fault.
l know.
l'm sorry.
- Bye.
- l'm shocked.
# To make you change your mind (man) ''Streets of London''! - (man #2) ''Streets of London''! - Yes.
l've just done it.