Big Train (1998) s02e05 Episode Script
Episode 11
# Big Train # Big Train Right, well done.
That's excellent.
And the DP, please.
OK.
The moment of truth.
Actually l need to nip out again, l'm sorry.
Could you? Thanks.
(sighs) Sorry about that.
l was just keeping some plates spinning on some sticks.
(relieved) Ohh! - lt's not finished.
- Let's just bash it through, Christine.
- l haven't done the words yet.
- We've got to start somewhere.
- Go on.
Let's hear it.
- OK.
Now? # l really like your smile # Something makes it seems worthwhile # Like a kitten in the snow # Like a puppy in the show - That's it.
- That's basically there.
Could you go through it again from the start? l'll just pick out the chords.
- You start, l'll just come in.
- # l really like your smile (electric guitar drowns out singing) - Sorry.
- lt's a classic, isn't it? - Just play along.
lt's in D.
- Right.
We'll start.
Just come in, OK? Chris, ready? One, two, three, four (guitars drown out singing) - Christine's new song.
- Christine, that's shit hot.
- Get on the kit, man.
Get on the kit.
- Yeah, absolutely.
Shit.
Why don't we do a big drum intro and then go straight in? Drum intro? - Yeah, go on.
- Let's rock it.
(singing inaudible) Whoo! Hey, hey! Christine! - All right, well done.
- Rock it, sister! lt's not even finished.
(# ''Trumpet Tune'' by Purcell) - Gentlemen, good to see you.
- Hello, Paul.
l must say, congratulations on your recent efforts at Castle Quinn.
Exceptional.
So, you wanted to see me? lt's not a massive problem really, but we have become a bit concerned about the uniforms, in that they're a little bit uncomfortable.
lt's not so much the weight.
lt's just that it can get quite hot for starters.
Yeah.
My problem is the wrists.
l can't bend them properly.
Yeah, especially when you're eating.
They're really awkward when you're eating berries.
- Yeah, berries.
- Yeah.
Another thing l've noticed, when l'm wearing my helmet, if someone's talking to me, because the helmet's so thick and heavy, l can't hear them half the time.
Erm That could be a job offer or something.
We don't want you to think we're being picky.
No, not at all.
The thing is, there's a problem there.
lf we don't have our armour, we might get a bit chopped up.
Sure.
Sure.
lt's up to you really, if you want to give it a try without the armour for a bit.
- We could see how that goes.
- Really? Tell you what, why don't l have a chat with those upstairs and get back to you? - How's that? - Brilliant.
That would be great, thank you.
- Thanks very much.
- All the best.
Cheers, Paul.
That's fantastic.
That is fantastic.
Might as well start making some changes now.
(roar of battle) Lovely one.
How was that, more comfortable? Was it Oh, l can see there's going to be a problem with insurance.
Let's look at the first of last night's targets.
This was a munitions factory just outside the city.
We hit it with F20s, which have a low explosive capability, but very deep penetration.
Here we go.
lt would have gone (imitates bomb whining) ''Agh!'' l can't do the accent but, you know ''Aargh! Oh, God, help me!'' Boom! The next target was a military installation we've had our eyes on for some time now.
That would have been like (imitates whizzing and multiple explosions) ''Argh! Oh, no, my God, help me!'' ''The pain of it all!'' ''Oh, Christ! My leg's come off! Somebody find it!'' ''Aargh! Oooh! They're coming!'' You know ''Direct hit! Ow!'' The last target was a barracks.
This was full of people, so this would have been (imitates whizzing and explosion) ''Aaaaargh!'' ''Aargh!'' (imitates blood spurting) ''lt's coming out of my neck!'' ''Oh, no, my God, help me!'' ''Get a nurse, get a nurse!'' ''Ow! My face!'' Afterwards the noise coming from the area would probably be something like this (imitates wind blowing softly) (imitates wind whistling) (imitates bird) What's that? lt's a vulture.
They're already circling.
(sings) l'm sorry.
That's the music for Platoon.
lt gets me right there.
But King Edward l still had his troubles in Wales.
ln 1 27 7, he advanced, with naval support, and blockaded Llewelyn.
Having starved him into submission, he then tightened his grip on the principality, by erecting a circle of powerful castles.
Having thus quelled the Welsh lt's great.
lt really keeps the kids interested in history.
Oh, yeah.
They'll never forget who King Tits was.
There's no need to be nervous.
Sorry, it's just anything to do with eyes makes me a bit Well, laser treatment is completely safe.
All you have to do is sit there and stay perfectly still for me, all right? - All right.
- Perfectly still - (patient) How's that? ls that all right? - Erm Er, yeah.
l'm, er - l'm gonna have one more go, all right? - OK.
Right.
Er OK.
- (patient) ls that it? ls it finished? - Er Yes.
Yeah.
Oh! l didn't feel anything there.
Good, well, erm That's, yeah, absolutely as it should be.
That's very good, because l'm taking some tablets for depression at the moment.
l've got some very weird side effects.
- Really? - Yes.
ls, erm Have you had anything like invisibility at all? l beg your pardon? Just make a bit of an effort.
He is your best friend.
You know what he's like.
His girlfriends are terrible.
Don't make assumptions.
She might be nice.
- Remember the last one he had? - Calvina.
Calvina.
There he is.
Hiya! Great to see you.
Come in, come in.
Michaela's dying to meet you.
Matt and Rachel, here she is.
Michaela, this is Matt and Rachel.
Matt and Rachel, this is Michaela.
Hiya.
Y'all right? - Pleased to meet you.
- Oh, posh! She's my new lady, and she's just fantastic, aren't you? Shall we, er get on to the restaurant? Yeah, it's supposed to be really nice.
lt's French and it's got a really fabulous wine list.
Wine? Oh, no, never touch the stuff.
Voddy and Red Bull gets me going, don't it, Keith? How would l know? l'll tell you what, she is such a laugh.
She knows some great stories as well, so Hang on.
Let me get my hair over my tits and l'm all yours.
Hands! You dirty bugger, you're like a bloody octopus! l told you.
Just like all the others.
Worse, if anything.
l think she's really nice.
- No, you don't.
- l do.
Oi! Pull over 'ere, will ya? l want to get my tabs.
- Better get some johnnies as well.
- Yeah, jumbo pack.
Well? What do you think? Keith, she's really, really lovely.
- Do you think so? - You've done very well.
Thanks, mate.
Right.
And the final part of the story is, right - she couldn't sit down for a fuckin' week! - (Keith laughs loudly) - l'm just going to go to the loo.
- Oh, love, are you on the blob? - l'll go too.
Missing you.
- Oh, hang on.
l know what's going on here.
You keep your filthy hands off him, you bitch.
He's mine.
- Could you ring for a taxi, Matt? - Yeah.
- l miss you so much.
- Me too.
What do you think? l'll probably get the surveyor in to have a look at it.
Well, it's very good, cos it keeps the heat in in the rainy season.
Yes.
- l'll take it.
- Great, great.
You've got all that over there to look at, which is nice.
Excuse me, madam.
Would you be interested in taking our personality test? Excuse me, madam.
Are you interested in taking our personality test? Excuse me, sir.
Would you be interested in taking our personality test? - Personality test? - Yes, it's very simple.
lt won't take long.
lt just helps you to understand yourself and the world a bit more.
lt's not religious, is it? You've got all these books lf you're interested in what we offer, that's great, but otherwise, absolutely no obligation.
Well, l'm going to be waiting around for my train, so l might as well.
That's great.
Come inside, please, sir.
lt'll only take a few seconds.
Thank you.
lf you'd like to take a seat here, sir, and fill this in.
Pencil there.
And just tell me when you've finished.
Right.
Finished.
Do l get the results today? lt's extraordinary.
- Could you wait just a moment? - l've got to catch my train.
Just one moment.
l'll be very quick.
Yeah, but Erm Could you follow me, please, sir? - l can't - lt won't take long, sir.
Please? - As long as it won't.
- No.
Thank you, sir.
- Will this take long? l've a train to catch.
- Just bear with me, sir.
Here we are, sir.
Our quest is over.
He is the one! Sorry.
Thought it was him, but, er Don't think so, no.
Paratroopers, this is it.
This is what you've trained for.
lt's the day you've waited for.
There is now one single exit from this plane, and that is that door there.
Smith, you're first.
Let's go! - Don't you mean Phillips? - What?! - Can Phillips go first? - Excuse me? l'd like to go after Phillips.
Can Phillips go first? Are you having a laugh? You go out of this plane now.
You're first up.
- Don't want to go now.
- What do you mean, you don't want to? l don't care if you don't like it, you little shit! Come here! - No! lt's cold.
- All right, all right.
Oh, thanks Agh! Stupid little man! Get out! - Go! - What are you doing? Ow! Oi! Right, Richard.
Let's see if l've got this right.
After an anonymous tip-off, you've become convinced that in the last year senior management have been murdering members of staff Yes.
.
.
and replacing them with sophisticated robot lookalikes Yes.
.
.
in order to avoid paying their wages without antagonising the unions.
l know it sounds crazy, but yes.
Richard come here.
Well, do they look like robots? Well, they don't look like robots - Let's put it to them.
- No, no, no, no.
Excuse me, guys.
Can l just have your attention for a second? l was just wondering what your reaction would be if l told you that Richard here thinks that you might be robots? (robot voices in unison) Ha ha ha.
Well, are you robots? (robot voices) No.
We are not robots.
Thought so.
OK, thank you very much.
Back to work.
l don't know what to say, you know l feel quite embarrassed.
Richard, are you all right? Yeah.
- Everything all right at home? - Yeah, it's not bad.
- Better get on with my work.
- OK.
So you wrote it in jail? He did put a lot into it.
l think it's excellent.
Why were you in jail? lt wasn't anything serious.
lt was just broke a few windows.
- lt's a big one, isn't it? - What was it called again? Mein Kampf.
What does that mean? ls it ''My Camp''? - No, it's ''My Struggle''.
- Right.
What do you think? l have to say, it's not very PC, is it? He hates that stuff.
l thought Seriously, there's lots in it l liked, but some of it, l would have to say, is borderline racist.
- (woman) Yeah.
Me too.
- l wish l could be more positive.
lt's just that if we put it out as is, we'd get into a lot of trouble.
(woman) Yeah.
Can we Can we do two versions - a racist version and then a non-racist version? How would you feel about that, Adolf? You wouldn't be happy with that.
l think he likes the racist version.
Personally, l don't think it is racist.
- Erm - We'd love to take it, but, er - lt's just not really our thing.
- lt's not really our style.
Thank you very much for coming in and all the best.
Thank you very much.
(woman) Very nice to meet you, Adolf.
What's that you're doing there? He's writing your names in his little black book.
l do hope he's not going to hold a grudge against us.
Very nice to meet you.
l'm sure you'll find a publisher.
Bye.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Come on.
There you are, Sean.
Sit there.
(inaudible) - Come on.
This isn't the match.
- What? This isn't the match.
Come on.
- (sighs) - What's going on? - Maybe we should revise the questionnaire.
- What do you mean? That question about do you own or rent your flat - do you reckon that's irrelevant? l'm beginning to wonder if there is a one.
Good question.
ls there a one? You're a one.
Come on.
There are four strands from the budget l'd like to stress.
Firstly, and l know this won't come as a surprise, tax cuts.
- This government has long prided itself - (director) Can we stop? - A duck went into shot.
- l thought that was going rather well.
Yeah, it was, but we could see the duck.
- lsn't that the idea? - Erm, well, maybe.
l just l wonder if we shouldn't go back to the original idea and try the dog.
Have a sort of cosy fireside thing, you know.
Just a bit more gravitas.
Oh, really? Right.
Yes Don't you think it might be nice though for people to see my duck? Erm Possibly, yeah.
lt's not an exact science.
l'm just thinking Are we giving off the wrong signals with a duck? Do you think it's a bit quirky? l wouldn't say it was quirky.
Obviously l like the duck, but l just think as an image, you know, the chancellor next to a duck l don't know if it works.
- Could we try it with the dog? - Well, maybe, but l have to say that l've seen many broadcasts with dogs, and l just think it's been rather done.
Hmm No.
l'm starting to feel less comfortable.
lt's kind of, ''Today l'd like to talk to you about the budget.
'' lt's just, erm Whereas, with the duck, it's just more natural.
The duck can walk back and forth, people can look at its beak, l can refer to the duck.
lt's better, isn't it? Yeah, l see that.
l do see that.
But if you're in the armchair, you could refer to the dog.
Well, l'm not sure.
Plus people won't be able to see the duck.
Right, right.
Erm OK, let's try one.
Still running? (cameraman) At speed.
ln five, four, three (duck chirps) There are four strands from the budget l'd like to stress.
Firstly (quickly) You can see the Wilkinsons' house.
They usually holiday in Cannes.
- Yes, dear.
They always have a jolly time.
- We shall have a good time in Bournemouth.
l've found a wren's nest.
Mummy Wren will wonder who's been interfering with her offspring.
- Johnny, put the egg back.
- Must l? Do as your mother says, young man.
Mummy, Daddy, may we stop for ginger pop on the way home? lf your father doesn't mind.
That should be very agreeable.
We all need to cool down in this heat.
- We'll be back in London by six.
- ln time for Bertie and Bernice at seven.
Dash it, are they coming? She's charming, but he's rather a bore.
- l expect they shan't stay long.
- Hmm.
Well, come on children, time to go.
(speaking slowly) Darling.
l've been meaning to talk to you about something.
What is it, dear? Something serious? Yes.
l think you should sit down.
lt's rather a grave matter.
What is it, dear? Darling, you're speaking too fast.
Speaking too fast? Yes.
And it's affecting the children.
They're speaking too fast too, and me - we're all speaking terribly fast.
Let me get this right.
Do you want a divorce? No, darling.
l just think you should speak a little more slowly.
That can't be done.
You and the children had better go home in the car.
l shall make it back to London on my own.
No, that one don't work either.
lt's the wrong Something's wrong.
What's going on? l'm really sorry about this, mister.
l remember her saying 533, but lt's 53-something.
Just keep trying.
lt's one of them.
l can't stay here all day trying every one.
You're mucking me about.
Can't you lot read anyway? ''Only two children in the bank vault at a time.
'' - Why don't we try one of these? - No, back off.
What are you doing? This is far worse than any of us had feared.
The boys in Sector G are already calling it ''the doomsday strain''.
lf the antibodies under that microscope fail to replicate, the virus will be unstoppable.
Stephen has it worked? No.
May God have mercy on our souls.
We have created a bastard chimera, and like the oedipal child - lt has really.
- (both burst into laughter) You bloody pair! l knew yesterday.
l knew yesterday.
Oh, God! Don't scare me like that.
Oh, my God! ''Oedipal child.
'' Ohhhh! - This is serious! - You let me carry on, didn't you? Standing here like a lemon.
Like an unwaxed lemon.
Chimera wars! lt's lucky l've got a sense of humour.
And fruity.
Listen, l'd like to get to know you a little bit more.
- What about dinner tomorrow night? - Why not? All right, l'll pick you up about 7.
30.
- OK, 7.
30 will be nice.
- OK.
See you then.
See you then.
He's nice.
Works in the City.
Really? - Yeah? - l don't know your address.
- Well, do you want to write it down? - l think l can probably remember it.
OK.
lt's Flat 4, 66 Admiral Walk, Kentish Town.
OK.
See you at 7.
30.
7.
30.
- What's the parking like? - What? What's the parking like? Shall we meet in a pub beforehand or can l park there? Erm, a pub? No, the parking's fine.
- Great.
- lt's fine.
- See you.
- See you then.
- ls he OK? - A bit neurotic.
Asked about parking.
- Forgot your address.
- What? - Forgot your address.
Better write it down.
- l think you'd better write it down.
- Have you got a pen and paper? - No.
- OK.
Well, stay there, l'll get one.
- Right.
- No, l don't know.
He's a bit forgetful.
- Yes.
l know.
Boys.
No one's got one.
lt's a bit annoying.
l'll call you tomorrow, then you can give me your address.
Right.
You call me.
- Call you tomorrow.
- Tomorrow.
l don't know your number.
Phone number.
- Right.
Do you want me to give it to you? - Yes.
- Will you write it down? - l'll get a pen and paper.
No, shit! Sorry.
l didn't mean to say shit then.
No one's got one.
l've asked already.
You say it and l'll try and remember it.
OK.
lt's 0207 861 8000.
0207 - 861 .
- 861 - The loo's free.
- Excuse me? The loo's free.
You said you were desperate.
- No, l didn't.
- Are you sure? Well, anyway it's free if you want to go.
- 0207.
- Yeah, 0207 - Steve, hi.
- Hi.
How are your diarrhoea and flatulence problems? You told me you suffer from more or less constant diarrhoea and it's really embarrassing, because you also have incredible flatulence.
No.
No.
- See you tomorrow, Marlene.
- Marion.
Shit!
That's excellent.
And the DP, please.
OK.
The moment of truth.
Actually l need to nip out again, l'm sorry.
Could you? Thanks.
(sighs) Sorry about that.
l was just keeping some plates spinning on some sticks.
(relieved) Ohh! - lt's not finished.
- Let's just bash it through, Christine.
- l haven't done the words yet.
- We've got to start somewhere.
- Go on.
Let's hear it.
- OK.
Now? # l really like your smile # Something makes it seems worthwhile # Like a kitten in the snow # Like a puppy in the show - That's it.
- That's basically there.
Could you go through it again from the start? l'll just pick out the chords.
- You start, l'll just come in.
- # l really like your smile (electric guitar drowns out singing) - Sorry.
- lt's a classic, isn't it? - Just play along.
lt's in D.
- Right.
We'll start.
Just come in, OK? Chris, ready? One, two, three, four (guitars drown out singing) - Christine's new song.
- Christine, that's shit hot.
- Get on the kit, man.
Get on the kit.
- Yeah, absolutely.
Shit.
Why don't we do a big drum intro and then go straight in? Drum intro? - Yeah, go on.
- Let's rock it.
(singing inaudible) Whoo! Hey, hey! Christine! - All right, well done.
- Rock it, sister! lt's not even finished.
(# ''Trumpet Tune'' by Purcell) - Gentlemen, good to see you.
- Hello, Paul.
l must say, congratulations on your recent efforts at Castle Quinn.
Exceptional.
So, you wanted to see me? lt's not a massive problem really, but we have become a bit concerned about the uniforms, in that they're a little bit uncomfortable.
lt's not so much the weight.
lt's just that it can get quite hot for starters.
Yeah.
My problem is the wrists.
l can't bend them properly.
Yeah, especially when you're eating.
They're really awkward when you're eating berries.
- Yeah, berries.
- Yeah.
Another thing l've noticed, when l'm wearing my helmet, if someone's talking to me, because the helmet's so thick and heavy, l can't hear them half the time.
Erm That could be a job offer or something.
We don't want you to think we're being picky.
No, not at all.
The thing is, there's a problem there.
lf we don't have our armour, we might get a bit chopped up.
Sure.
Sure.
lt's up to you really, if you want to give it a try without the armour for a bit.
- We could see how that goes.
- Really? Tell you what, why don't l have a chat with those upstairs and get back to you? - How's that? - Brilliant.
That would be great, thank you.
- Thanks very much.
- All the best.
Cheers, Paul.
That's fantastic.
That is fantastic.
Might as well start making some changes now.
(roar of battle) Lovely one.
How was that, more comfortable? Was it Oh, l can see there's going to be a problem with insurance.
Let's look at the first of last night's targets.
This was a munitions factory just outside the city.
We hit it with F20s, which have a low explosive capability, but very deep penetration.
Here we go.
lt would have gone (imitates bomb whining) ''Agh!'' l can't do the accent but, you know ''Aargh! Oh, God, help me!'' Boom! The next target was a military installation we've had our eyes on for some time now.
That would have been like (imitates whizzing and multiple explosions) ''Argh! Oh, no, my God, help me!'' ''The pain of it all!'' ''Oh, Christ! My leg's come off! Somebody find it!'' ''Aargh! Oooh! They're coming!'' You know ''Direct hit! Ow!'' The last target was a barracks.
This was full of people, so this would have been (imitates whizzing and explosion) ''Aaaaargh!'' ''Aargh!'' (imitates blood spurting) ''lt's coming out of my neck!'' ''Oh, no, my God, help me!'' ''Get a nurse, get a nurse!'' ''Ow! My face!'' Afterwards the noise coming from the area would probably be something like this (imitates wind blowing softly) (imitates wind whistling) (imitates bird) What's that? lt's a vulture.
They're already circling.
(sings) l'm sorry.
That's the music for Platoon.
lt gets me right there.
But King Edward l still had his troubles in Wales.
ln 1 27 7, he advanced, with naval support, and blockaded Llewelyn.
Having starved him into submission, he then tightened his grip on the principality, by erecting a circle of powerful castles.
Having thus quelled the Welsh lt's great.
lt really keeps the kids interested in history.
Oh, yeah.
They'll never forget who King Tits was.
There's no need to be nervous.
Sorry, it's just anything to do with eyes makes me a bit Well, laser treatment is completely safe.
All you have to do is sit there and stay perfectly still for me, all right? - All right.
- Perfectly still - (patient) How's that? ls that all right? - Erm Er, yeah.
l'm, er - l'm gonna have one more go, all right? - OK.
Right.
Er OK.
- (patient) ls that it? ls it finished? - Er Yes.
Yeah.
Oh! l didn't feel anything there.
Good, well, erm That's, yeah, absolutely as it should be.
That's very good, because l'm taking some tablets for depression at the moment.
l've got some very weird side effects.
- Really? - Yes.
ls, erm Have you had anything like invisibility at all? l beg your pardon? Just make a bit of an effort.
He is your best friend.
You know what he's like.
His girlfriends are terrible.
Don't make assumptions.
She might be nice.
- Remember the last one he had? - Calvina.
Calvina.
There he is.
Hiya! Great to see you.
Come in, come in.
Michaela's dying to meet you.
Matt and Rachel, here she is.
Michaela, this is Matt and Rachel.
Matt and Rachel, this is Michaela.
Hiya.
Y'all right? - Pleased to meet you.
- Oh, posh! She's my new lady, and she's just fantastic, aren't you? Shall we, er get on to the restaurant? Yeah, it's supposed to be really nice.
lt's French and it's got a really fabulous wine list.
Wine? Oh, no, never touch the stuff.
Voddy and Red Bull gets me going, don't it, Keith? How would l know? l'll tell you what, she is such a laugh.
She knows some great stories as well, so Hang on.
Let me get my hair over my tits and l'm all yours.
Hands! You dirty bugger, you're like a bloody octopus! l told you.
Just like all the others.
Worse, if anything.
l think she's really nice.
- No, you don't.
- l do.
Oi! Pull over 'ere, will ya? l want to get my tabs.
- Better get some johnnies as well.
- Yeah, jumbo pack.
Well? What do you think? Keith, she's really, really lovely.
- Do you think so? - You've done very well.
Thanks, mate.
Right.
And the final part of the story is, right - she couldn't sit down for a fuckin' week! - (Keith laughs loudly) - l'm just going to go to the loo.
- Oh, love, are you on the blob? - l'll go too.
Missing you.
- Oh, hang on.
l know what's going on here.
You keep your filthy hands off him, you bitch.
He's mine.
- Could you ring for a taxi, Matt? - Yeah.
- l miss you so much.
- Me too.
What do you think? l'll probably get the surveyor in to have a look at it.
Well, it's very good, cos it keeps the heat in in the rainy season.
Yes.
- l'll take it.
- Great, great.
You've got all that over there to look at, which is nice.
Excuse me, madam.
Would you be interested in taking our personality test? Excuse me, madam.
Are you interested in taking our personality test? Excuse me, sir.
Would you be interested in taking our personality test? - Personality test? - Yes, it's very simple.
lt won't take long.
lt just helps you to understand yourself and the world a bit more.
lt's not religious, is it? You've got all these books lf you're interested in what we offer, that's great, but otherwise, absolutely no obligation.
Well, l'm going to be waiting around for my train, so l might as well.
That's great.
Come inside, please, sir.
lt'll only take a few seconds.
Thank you.
lf you'd like to take a seat here, sir, and fill this in.
Pencil there.
And just tell me when you've finished.
Right.
Finished.
Do l get the results today? lt's extraordinary.
- Could you wait just a moment? - l've got to catch my train.
Just one moment.
l'll be very quick.
Yeah, but Erm Could you follow me, please, sir? - l can't - lt won't take long, sir.
Please? - As long as it won't.
- No.
Thank you, sir.
- Will this take long? l've a train to catch.
- Just bear with me, sir.
Here we are, sir.
Our quest is over.
He is the one! Sorry.
Thought it was him, but, er Don't think so, no.
Paratroopers, this is it.
This is what you've trained for.
lt's the day you've waited for.
There is now one single exit from this plane, and that is that door there.
Smith, you're first.
Let's go! - Don't you mean Phillips? - What?! - Can Phillips go first? - Excuse me? l'd like to go after Phillips.
Can Phillips go first? Are you having a laugh? You go out of this plane now.
You're first up.
- Don't want to go now.
- What do you mean, you don't want to? l don't care if you don't like it, you little shit! Come here! - No! lt's cold.
- All right, all right.
Oh, thanks Agh! Stupid little man! Get out! - Go! - What are you doing? Ow! Oi! Right, Richard.
Let's see if l've got this right.
After an anonymous tip-off, you've become convinced that in the last year senior management have been murdering members of staff Yes.
.
.
and replacing them with sophisticated robot lookalikes Yes.
.
.
in order to avoid paying their wages without antagonising the unions.
l know it sounds crazy, but yes.
Richard come here.
Well, do they look like robots? Well, they don't look like robots - Let's put it to them.
- No, no, no, no.
Excuse me, guys.
Can l just have your attention for a second? l was just wondering what your reaction would be if l told you that Richard here thinks that you might be robots? (robot voices in unison) Ha ha ha.
Well, are you robots? (robot voices) No.
We are not robots.
Thought so.
OK, thank you very much.
Back to work.
l don't know what to say, you know l feel quite embarrassed.
Richard, are you all right? Yeah.
- Everything all right at home? - Yeah, it's not bad.
- Better get on with my work.
- OK.
So you wrote it in jail? He did put a lot into it.
l think it's excellent.
Why were you in jail? lt wasn't anything serious.
lt was just broke a few windows.
- lt's a big one, isn't it? - What was it called again? Mein Kampf.
What does that mean? ls it ''My Camp''? - No, it's ''My Struggle''.
- Right.
What do you think? l have to say, it's not very PC, is it? He hates that stuff.
l thought Seriously, there's lots in it l liked, but some of it, l would have to say, is borderline racist.
- (woman) Yeah.
Me too.
- l wish l could be more positive.
lt's just that if we put it out as is, we'd get into a lot of trouble.
(woman) Yeah.
Can we Can we do two versions - a racist version and then a non-racist version? How would you feel about that, Adolf? You wouldn't be happy with that.
l think he likes the racist version.
Personally, l don't think it is racist.
- Erm - We'd love to take it, but, er - lt's just not really our thing.
- lt's not really our style.
Thank you very much for coming in and all the best.
Thank you very much.
(woman) Very nice to meet you, Adolf.
What's that you're doing there? He's writing your names in his little black book.
l do hope he's not going to hold a grudge against us.
Very nice to meet you.
l'm sure you'll find a publisher.
Bye.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Come on.
There you are, Sean.
Sit there.
(inaudible) - Come on.
This isn't the match.
- What? This isn't the match.
Come on.
- (sighs) - What's going on? - Maybe we should revise the questionnaire.
- What do you mean? That question about do you own or rent your flat - do you reckon that's irrelevant? l'm beginning to wonder if there is a one.
Good question.
ls there a one? You're a one.
Come on.
There are four strands from the budget l'd like to stress.
Firstly, and l know this won't come as a surprise, tax cuts.
- This government has long prided itself - (director) Can we stop? - A duck went into shot.
- l thought that was going rather well.
Yeah, it was, but we could see the duck.
- lsn't that the idea? - Erm, well, maybe.
l just l wonder if we shouldn't go back to the original idea and try the dog.
Have a sort of cosy fireside thing, you know.
Just a bit more gravitas.
Oh, really? Right.
Yes Don't you think it might be nice though for people to see my duck? Erm Possibly, yeah.
lt's not an exact science.
l'm just thinking Are we giving off the wrong signals with a duck? Do you think it's a bit quirky? l wouldn't say it was quirky.
Obviously l like the duck, but l just think as an image, you know, the chancellor next to a duck l don't know if it works.
- Could we try it with the dog? - Well, maybe, but l have to say that l've seen many broadcasts with dogs, and l just think it's been rather done.
Hmm No.
l'm starting to feel less comfortable.
lt's kind of, ''Today l'd like to talk to you about the budget.
'' lt's just, erm Whereas, with the duck, it's just more natural.
The duck can walk back and forth, people can look at its beak, l can refer to the duck.
lt's better, isn't it? Yeah, l see that.
l do see that.
But if you're in the armchair, you could refer to the dog.
Well, l'm not sure.
Plus people won't be able to see the duck.
Right, right.
Erm OK, let's try one.
Still running? (cameraman) At speed.
ln five, four, three (duck chirps) There are four strands from the budget l'd like to stress.
Firstly (quickly) You can see the Wilkinsons' house.
They usually holiday in Cannes.
- Yes, dear.
They always have a jolly time.
- We shall have a good time in Bournemouth.
l've found a wren's nest.
Mummy Wren will wonder who's been interfering with her offspring.
- Johnny, put the egg back.
- Must l? Do as your mother says, young man.
Mummy, Daddy, may we stop for ginger pop on the way home? lf your father doesn't mind.
That should be very agreeable.
We all need to cool down in this heat.
- We'll be back in London by six.
- ln time for Bertie and Bernice at seven.
Dash it, are they coming? She's charming, but he's rather a bore.
- l expect they shan't stay long.
- Hmm.
Well, come on children, time to go.
(speaking slowly) Darling.
l've been meaning to talk to you about something.
What is it, dear? Something serious? Yes.
l think you should sit down.
lt's rather a grave matter.
What is it, dear? Darling, you're speaking too fast.
Speaking too fast? Yes.
And it's affecting the children.
They're speaking too fast too, and me - we're all speaking terribly fast.
Let me get this right.
Do you want a divorce? No, darling.
l just think you should speak a little more slowly.
That can't be done.
You and the children had better go home in the car.
l shall make it back to London on my own.
No, that one don't work either.
lt's the wrong Something's wrong.
What's going on? l'm really sorry about this, mister.
l remember her saying 533, but lt's 53-something.
Just keep trying.
lt's one of them.
l can't stay here all day trying every one.
You're mucking me about.
Can't you lot read anyway? ''Only two children in the bank vault at a time.
'' - Why don't we try one of these? - No, back off.
What are you doing? This is far worse than any of us had feared.
The boys in Sector G are already calling it ''the doomsday strain''.
lf the antibodies under that microscope fail to replicate, the virus will be unstoppable.
Stephen has it worked? No.
May God have mercy on our souls.
We have created a bastard chimera, and like the oedipal child - lt has really.
- (both burst into laughter) You bloody pair! l knew yesterday.
l knew yesterday.
Oh, God! Don't scare me like that.
Oh, my God! ''Oedipal child.
'' Ohhhh! - This is serious! - You let me carry on, didn't you? Standing here like a lemon.
Like an unwaxed lemon.
Chimera wars! lt's lucky l've got a sense of humour.
And fruity.
Listen, l'd like to get to know you a little bit more.
- What about dinner tomorrow night? - Why not? All right, l'll pick you up about 7.
30.
- OK, 7.
30 will be nice.
- OK.
See you then.
See you then.
He's nice.
Works in the City.
Really? - Yeah? - l don't know your address.
- Well, do you want to write it down? - l think l can probably remember it.
OK.
lt's Flat 4, 66 Admiral Walk, Kentish Town.
OK.
See you at 7.
30.
7.
30.
- What's the parking like? - What? What's the parking like? Shall we meet in a pub beforehand or can l park there? Erm, a pub? No, the parking's fine.
- Great.
- lt's fine.
- See you.
- See you then.
- ls he OK? - A bit neurotic.
Asked about parking.
- Forgot your address.
- What? - Forgot your address.
Better write it down.
- l think you'd better write it down.
- Have you got a pen and paper? - No.
- OK.
Well, stay there, l'll get one.
- Right.
- No, l don't know.
He's a bit forgetful.
- Yes.
l know.
Boys.
No one's got one.
lt's a bit annoying.
l'll call you tomorrow, then you can give me your address.
Right.
You call me.
- Call you tomorrow.
- Tomorrow.
l don't know your number.
Phone number.
- Right.
Do you want me to give it to you? - Yes.
- Will you write it down? - l'll get a pen and paper.
No, shit! Sorry.
l didn't mean to say shit then.
No one's got one.
l've asked already.
You say it and l'll try and remember it.
OK.
lt's 0207 861 8000.
0207 - 861 .
- 861 - The loo's free.
- Excuse me? The loo's free.
You said you were desperate.
- No, l didn't.
- Are you sure? Well, anyway it's free if you want to go.
- 0207.
- Yeah, 0207 - Steve, hi.
- Hi.
How are your diarrhoea and flatulence problems? You told me you suffer from more or less constant diarrhoea and it's really embarrassing, because you also have incredible flatulence.
No.
No.
- See you tomorrow, Marlene.
- Marion.
Shit!