Billy and Billie (2015) s01e05 Episode Script
Something In The Way
1 [ Keyboard clacking .]
[ Moaning softly .]
Hey, you.
Morning.
[ Sniffles .]
You good? Hmm You're up early.
Earlier than me.
That's rare.
I know.
I couldn't really sleep.
Whatever.
It's okay.
Anything, uh Anything serious? [ Chuckles .]
I mean Is this still about Carson? Yes.
You know what it's about? Yeah, all right.
Yes.
[ Sighs .]
I mean It's been over a week, and nothing.
That doesn't matter.
Yes, it does.
You were worried about the family finding out, you know, us getting caught, and if that little guy said anything, which you know he doesn't, but if he did You're too loud.
You know, we would hear about it in -- in like two minutes -- literally two.
You know that's true.
I -- yeah, I suppose so.
Come here.
What? What? No.
I just want to -- no.
[ Laughing .]
Stop.
[ Laughs .]
Listen.
What? What? I'm just holding you here [ Laughs .]
so I can keep an eye on you.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, so you won't spin out of control.
Well, do you like what you see, fucker? Yeah.
Yeah, i like it a shitload.
I maybe like it two shitloads.
[ Laughing .]
Gross.
Yeah.
Now, the second load is not quite as full of shit, but I still think we could consider it a load.
[ Laughs .]
[ Laughing .]
Stop.
Stop! I'm gonna pee all over you.
I'm just making your neighbors think you have an amazing lover.
I do have an amazing lover.
You're such a bitch.
You're strong.
Really strong.
That's right.
[ Sniffles .]
[ Door opens, closes .]
You excited about today? [ Muffled .]
What? About stopping in at work.
[ Urinating .]
Oh, yeah, that.
It sounds all right.
Sounds all right, does it? I think it could be amazing, all right? They're gonna have you mock up something so they can take a look.
[ Muffled .]
And they'll probably give you an assignment.
It could be really cool.
Yeah, I know.
I really appreciate it.
Well It's my pleasure.
[ Toilet flushes .]
It's not just because of this, right? Because we're, like, banging or whatever? Because we're, like, banging? I'm being serious.
[ Chuckles .]
I know.
I know you are.
It's just the way you talk sometimes.
It's how I talk, so fucking deal with it.
I'm attempting to on a daily basis.
Fine.
So, I'm just saying, you do like my art, though, right? That's what i really wanted to know.
Do you? Yes! Billie, whether we're banging -- as you so delicately put it -- or not, I think you're an awesome artist.
You are an awesome artist.
Thanks.
So, uh, come in like 4:00 or so.
Okay? After lunch.
Perfect.
Great.
Do I need to dress up? No.
You can wear matching shoes if you want.
Done.
Great.
Can I blow you in the supply closet and that sort of thing? Yeah.
Yeah? Like all the mile high club, or is that just for airplanes? I think that's called a blow job in the supply closet.
Mm.
Nice.
Maybe we can try it.
Or maybe we could just do it right here.
What do you think about that? Maybe.
Um What? No, no, no, no! No, stop, stop.
[ Indistinct conversations .]
Not here today, big guy.
Hmm? Hmm? I'm not looking for her.
Oh, yeah? Maybe she literally only works the month of September, just those 30 days each year.
[ Sarcastically .]
It's really funny.
Maybe.
Well, have you wondered? It's so funny.
[ Sarcastically .]
Yeah, hilarious.
Think you're gonna have to let this one go.
It's cool, man.
You can like other girls.
You just have to like me the best.
Uh [Clears throat.]
about that What? I mean, it's a joke, right? How? I mean, about other people.
You're kidding, right? Not serious? I don't know.
Why? 'Cause I don't like it.
Come on.
No.
I walked you all the way home again across the fucking bridge.
don't get all Norman bates on me.
All right, fuck, fine.
I will suck no other cock forever.
How's that? Does that mean anything to you? That's what I'm saying.
Is that good? That's -- is that -- you know, is that so hard? It's a variation on a native American saying, in cased you missed the reference.
I get the reference.
Oh, good.
I like that you're smart.
I'm the chief Joseph here you're quoting.
Fuck you.
Yeah.
So fucking smart.
Yeah, Nez percé Indians.
Oh, my god.
Yeah.
You make me crazy.
That brain.
UmListen I was thinking, I'd really like to tell people.
I think we should.
I think we should tell people we're together instead of hiding it.
I would like to say we're together and happy, if that's actually the case.
Do you feel that way? Are you happy? Um Uh, yeah.
Breakfast is good.
Sorry.
I joke.
You joke.
It's what we do.
Tell bad jokes when, um -- yes.
Oh, I know.
It's fine.
No, it's fine.
It's just hard, is all it is.
That's what she said.
I'm sorry.
You're so lame.
I'm sorry.
I'll take it down a notch.
I promise.
All right, fine, yes.
I guess I want to tell people, too.
I do.
Okay? I do want to tell people that we're seeing each other.
Me too.
Great.
Gimme.
You want to hold my hand? Okay, and I'll fucking cut a bitch if you're seeing somebody else.
Mm-hmm.
September, the friendly waitress, is off limits.
[ Chuckling .]
Okay? Fair enough.
Cool.
We'll probably have to find another diner at some point, which makes me sad because I actually really like this place.
Can I tell someone now? What, like now now? Yeah.
[ Sighs .]
Who? Well, you don't get to choose.
I'm just asking.
Can I? All right, fuck, yes.
Do it.
[ Utensil clinking cup .]
What are you doing? Stop.
Excuse me, everyone, um, sorry, I -- this isn't a robbery or anything.
I just -- I just wanted you all to know that I'm crazy about this girl right.
Her name is Billie Smith.
We're in an exclusive relationship where we don't see anyone else.
We just see each other.
And, um, I just -- i like her a whole lot.
That's it.
Anyways, thanks -- thanks for your time.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Hope that didn't make anybody nauseous.
[ Light applause .]
Sorry.
Aw, that's -- thank you.
You said you're crazy about me.
Yeah, I know.
It's very romantic.
What can I say? don't say anything.
Think you said it all.
Just too bad September wasn't here for the announcement.
[ Slurps .]
No words.
[ Indistinct conversations .]
Dude, what's going on? Hey.
Not much.
I'm just, uh, going over a couple layouts for next month.
Seeing if they could handle some artwork.
We already have the photos and that, don't we? Yeah, but I'm thinking about some illustrations.
Kind of a -- kind of a throwback like they used to do in esquire and playboy.
Oh, right.
Cool.
You don't care.
Uh, p.
S.
-- Your apartment is awesome.
Mm.
So appreciate you letting me stay there.
Yeah, my pleasure.
Um, you are still looking for a place, though, I hope.
Yeah.
Yes? I got feelers out there.
Keep you posted.
All righty, do that.
Great fridge, man.
[ Chuckles .]
The way the ice thing is Right there in the door itself.
That's great, man.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
That's, uh -- that's NASA.
Seriously? Uh-huh.
What's up, Billy? Hey.
What's the deal? Have you guys not patched things up yet? No, man.
We are through.
I don't -- I mean, you guys were so close, and you work here, so I know.
He can't fire me, though, because I'm the only guy who knows how to work all the computers and shit.
Got that on lockdown.
Even so You should make nice.
We'll see.
Time heals allStuff.
Yeah.
No, I know.
I probably have a meeting.
Later.
[ Sighs .]
[ Chuckles .]
Hey.
Wshh! Denise is on her way up.
I don't care.
Get out of here.
Just don't -- don't say that.
[ Footsteps ascending stairs .]
[ Sighs .]
Hey.
Hey.
Um, I guess Did I miss a call from you? I was at my parents' place this weekend.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
No biggie.
Yeah, I was just calling to call.
Okay, all right.
Yeah, yeah.
You had a nice break? Uh, yeah, it was okay.
Okay.
Family, so, you know.
Had to get back home for the real break.
Yeah? A vacation from the vacation, i guess, is what they say.
That's true.
Um, so, are we still on for the meeting with my stepsister later? Yeah.
I don't want to push this too much or get into the nepotism of it all, but she's very, very good, and I just fucking really love the idea of doing some classic illustrations, just for certain parts of the magazine.
I am certainly open to it.
Okay.
And did you get the drawings I sent you in an e-mail? Yes.
Um, I do think her stuff is great, and I really like her style.
Okay, cool, so -- yeah, so, we're on for 4:00 P.
M.
I'm gonna have to check my calendar just a bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Keith: Welcome.
Good to meet you.
Thanks for having me.
That's Tatiana.
How are you doing? That's our next month's cover.
Hmm.
Nice to meet you.
Nice place you got here.
Thank you very much.
Isn't he cute? I don't know.
You can see that he's cute.
don't give me that guy bullshit.
What? You can tell if someone's hot or not, whether you are the same sex.
Oh, I can tell.
He's just not my type.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Well, whether you like him or not, he is handsome, he's rich, he's in a hit TV show.
All the girls and boys like him, and, uh, that's our cover.
don't care.
All right.
[ Chuckles .]
Billy: I know the girl on "time bomb" -- the blond one, drew Peters? You got it? In fact, she was waiting for my stepsister when we bumped into her at lunch.
Oh.
Yeah.
Her.
Yeah.
The ice queen.
Yeah.
Yeah, all the men love her.
don't ask me why, but they do.
I know.
She's pretty hot.
You think she's hot? Really? Yeah, kind of, yeah.
Yeah, well, i think she's a bitch.
[ Laughs .]
With the show! Yeah, brother.
It's a wonderful show.
It's a wonderful show.
Her costar, on the other hand Hmm.
Different story.
Yeah.
So cute.
I can't wait, can't wait.
I'm so excited that you're down here.
Well, it's good to be here.
So, uh, business first.
Hey, Denise.
Tom.
Nice bowling shirt.
Yeah, right? I like the ones with other people's name on it.
Thrift shop.
Oh.
$3 I presume that gets washed at some point after purchase.
Or is that an outlandish notion? Oh, shit.
No.
Yeah, yeah.
I totally do.
When I wash my coloreds.
Of course, totally.
[ Chuckling .]
No, please, take this one.
[ Sniffles .]
Um [Clears throat.]
Thomas, um, you mean, when you wash your colors -- meaning, clothes that are anything other than white? Yes.
Okay, 'cause you said "coloreds.
" That's actually negative slang for black people, and it's something we've been trying to phase out over the last 150 years or so.
Ahh.
So When I wash the clothes with colors in them.
Now you got it.
Did you just bow? No.
Mm I'm gonna go introduce myself.
You want to come with? No.
No, thank you.
Fine.
Talk later.
I don't know if I missed that whole thing, but did she really like my shirt? No, no, no.
You missed nothing.
She's in.
Yes, yes! Some days, I don't know, but I really think i got a shot at her.
Well, who knows? Give it a try.
Ooh, no way.
Yeah.
Not after your situation.
Hey, no, there's no situation.
There's no situation with her and I.
We don't talk about that.
Okay.
We don't speak about that.
Okay.
Stop it.
Come on, please.
So, were you just being nice? Get away from me, tom.
I have work to do.
[ Sighs .]
God.
So, see you back at the pad, right? I-i don't know.
Maybe.
Okay.
Do youWant to order a pizza, which would be so much fun? Get out of here.
Meep-meep.
[ Chuckles .]
God.
Man.
[ Indistinct conversation in distance .]
Yeah, let's, uh Yeah? [ Indistinct conversation .]
No passport needed.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh.
[ Indistinct conversation .]
What's up, guys? Hey.
What's going on? Meeting.
[ Chuckles .]
Awesome.
Anyway, while we are waiting Hey, sorry about this, man.
She's normally really good about appointments, and I -- I -- no worries.
[ Sighs .]
I know how artists can be.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles .]
I used to live with one.
Tom.
[ Chuckles .]
Before he started So, can you, uh, send her a text or something? I did, I did.
I did several.
I don't know.
Maybe her phone is, um [ Sighs .]
I -- I don't know.
You know what? I like this idea, though, whether it's a good fit with your sister or not.
Step.
Hmm? Just she's my stepsister.
Step, so we're not related, but, yeah.
Oh, sorry.
Right.
Anyway -- Billy: But I do agree, though.
I think it'd be a really bold move to combine some illustrations with some photos -- kind of like when the new yorker started using photos.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah, we have to be pretty careful with that kind of stuff, though.
I mean, i was pretty miffed when the new yorker switched over to full color.
Yeah, I didn't mind it.
No, I'm -- I'm just saying.
I mean, it's just something we need to [Clicks tongue.]
think through.
Of course, of course.
And we will be very thoughtful about it.
I just think it'd be a signature statement if we do this.
And do it boldly and thoughtfully.
Yes.
Goes without saying.
[ Clears throat .]
Yes.
Thoughtful.
There she is.
No.
I'll be right back.
I don't see anybody.
[ Door opens .]
Billie! Billie: Hey.
Hi.
Hey.
Why are we late? I was on my way here.
The trains suck ass in this direction, by the way.
I said 4:00.
Ish.
You said 4:00-ish.
No, no, I definitely never said "ish" in my entire life, so that's not it.
Well, fucking excuse me, then.
It was something like that.
It was like "4:00 or so," that sort of thing.
Oh.
Not some exact time.
Why? Is 4:13 a big deal? Kind of.
[ Clears throat .]
Fuck, sorry.
It's okay.
You look very nice, by the way.
Thanks.
You said "matching shoes," to which I begrudgingly complied.
And an outfit.
Oh, you noticed.
Yeah, um, hey, I'm really sorry if I was supposed to be here earlier.
That's all right.
It's actually totally fine.
I kind of had a time with my colleagues.
Never expect me to use that word in referring to these people.
"Colleagues"? I hate it.
You don't like "colleagues"? I don't know.
Fuck.
And no swearing.
Shut the fuck up.
Hi.
Hey, everyone.
This is Billie, my stepsister, so don't blame me when her work comes in half-finished.
Is this your half-sister or your stepsister? I'm confused.
She's my stepsister.
I said that before and just now.
Right, but you just made a joke using the idea of half.
It gets really confusing.
No, i-i see why you -- i get it.
I mean, that's what threw me.
Understood.
Okay.
Yeah.
Anyway Anyway, I'm the one that obviously it through the public-education system.
[ Laughter .]
Please.
That gets a laugh.
Good.
Nice skirt.
Oh, thanks.
H&m -- like 10 bucks.
Really? Yeah.
Fuck, yeah.
Wow, nice.
Oh, that is pretty.
Yeah.
It's not sexual harassment if I say it.
Is it? Dude No, I think we can let this one pass.
[ Sighing .]
Good.
Billie: In the future, I think you have to say it to everyone so you're not, like, singling anyone out.
Isn't that how it works? Oh, yeah.
It's something crazy like that.
Yeah.
Ooh! A woman who thinks the current sexual-harassment policy is "crazy.
" [ Chuckles .]
Where you been hiding this one from us all these years, Jones? [ Chuckles .]
Just been around.
Keith: Okay.
Well, uh, just to cover myself, um, I do like that skirt very much.
Thank you.
[ Sighing .]
Uh It's a great blouse you got on today, Denise.
Thank you.
Billy, um Very something.
Something.
Very handsome shirt.
Thank you.
Very handsome shirt.
And, Karen So, we good? Yeah, i-i think you got it covered.
Great.
Okay.
Uh, just to totally overload you here on your initial meeting, I'm Keith, uh, managing editor this week.
Uh, this is Denise, um, features editor.
Billy is, of course, Billy.
How you doing? And Karen.
Karen.
[ Chuckles .]
Hi, Karen.
Hi.
Um, I'm Billie, uh, the out-of-work artist who sponges off her parents and the goodwill of her brother.
Welcome.
We here at chisel welcome you, Billie -- is it Jones, too? Uh, no.
No, no, no, no.
Actually, my mom's last name is Smith.
And it's basically a long story.
Just call me Billie, and we'll all be good.
[ Sighing .]
Fair enough, Billie.
Oh, Billy.
Yep.
Easy.
Easy to remember.
Crazy.
Anyway, why don't I walk you through what it is we do, and I'll talk about how I think we can utilize your talents here at the magazine.
Awesome.
Good.
Great.
So, my dad, also a Keith -- I'm a junior -- started chisel in 1994, mainly as a men's fashion magazine.
And gradually, it's moved into film and other, uh [Sighs.]
CulturalStuff -- uh, what he collectively calls "fun.
" Sounds good.
Yep.
Um, we -- we put out an issue every month.
Uh-huh.
So, monthly.
Um, and, uh, it's12 a year.
Yeah.
UhWe try to Denise, did you -- there was, uh [ Whispering indistinctly .]
[ Whispering indistinctly .]
Why don't you just show us what you brought us? What I brought? Great.
Yeah, yeah.
Great idea.
Love to see.
Show-and-tell.
Okay.
I saw some in the e-mails Billy sent me.
Oh, great.
Great.
[ Indistinct conversations .]
Oh.
Wow.
That's beautiful.
This one is just -- they're all different just to show you.
That's the one I showed you.
You did these? Yeah, this is my book that I brought in.
All of them, all of them.
So, yep.
Um, but this, I thought, was something we maybe could use.
How long did that take? Um, like a couple hours, i guess.
Well, she works fast, so the thing is, obviously, these are ideas, but, you know, whatever kind of articles Oh, yeah.
Super.
Thank you.
Yeah, this is the last one.
Oh, my goodness.
Keith: This is good stuff, Billy.
It's -- oh, my goodness, a Teddy bear! Do that -- we can use this for the, um Look at that bear.
"the global warming: Hot or not?" Article.
So? What? We haven't talked that much about today.
It went good.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, you were late Come on.
But once we got over that Oh, my god.
i think it's very evident that your charming self won the day.
I think they really like you.
Good.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm excited.
Yeah? 'Cause you just seem kind of tired.
Are you okay? Did I do something wrong? Are you serious? Yeah.
No.
Listen, I'm very happy it went well.
Good.
Which it did.
Me too.
And don't worry.
I'm not gonna, like, fuck up the drawings or anything.
I'm not worried.
You're gonna be great.
Thank you.
I really believe in you.
Thank you.
I know that.
It's weird.
[ Chuckles .]
But I love it, so keep doing it.
I still think my half-finished joke was funny.
Oh, god, get over it.
They acted like i was insane.
Well, it was one really bad joke that made no sense, but Keith thinks you're great and that cute girl with the blazer on With the brown hair.
Karen? Karen.
KarenIs cute.
And Denise from your business-lunch date, she's very beautiful.
Hey, they're all cute.
You guys seem to have a little sexual something going on.
[ Laughs .]
Okay.
Yeah, hardly.
Hardly? Hmm.
don't.
What? Stop it.
Okay.
Listen Sorry.
I don't bring up all the guys you've burned through Okay, got it.
So, you did.
In your relatively short life.
You did with Denise, then.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm just saying that, you know, you're always up my ass about girls.
Am I? Yeah, you're way up there.
Way inside.
See, i thought you liked it.
And I don't do that to you about guys.
Okay, fine.
Fine.
I just [ Sighs .]
Whoa.
All right, I'm just saying, it's all, you know, in the past and it just doesn't matter.
I just wanted to know who the competition was, okay? That's all.
You don't have any competition.
Have you learned nothing yet? [ Sighing .]
Ah.
I'm a slow learner.
No, you have more -- [ chuckling .]
I have a disability, sire.
[ Laughs .]
That's a nice name for what you have.
Oh, you're such a prick.
You're a jerk.
Am I a jerk? You're a jerk.
I love it when you talk dirty.
I love it.
Just, like, half the time, right? Shut up.
Stop.
Babe, I'm serious.
I'm not gonna stop.
The "half" jokes suck.
No, you need to stop.
They suck balls.
Let me show you how much they suck.
No, it's.
.
Really bad.
Hey, I'm sorry.
Would you mind boxing this up? I want to get home and fuck my boyfriend.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Certainly.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
S-sorry.
Thanks.
Sorry.
I'm gonna get you for that.
Yeah, let's see you try, bitch.
Yeah, in your mouth.
Oh.
Boyfriend, huh? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
[ Both breathing heavily .]
[ Both moaning .]
[ Chuckles .]
[ Laughing .]
[ Moaning softly .]
Hey, you.
Morning.
[ Sniffles .]
You good? Hmm You're up early.
Earlier than me.
That's rare.
I know.
I couldn't really sleep.
Whatever.
It's okay.
Anything, uh Anything serious? [ Chuckles .]
I mean Is this still about Carson? Yes.
You know what it's about? Yeah, all right.
Yes.
[ Sighs .]
I mean It's been over a week, and nothing.
That doesn't matter.
Yes, it does.
You were worried about the family finding out, you know, us getting caught, and if that little guy said anything, which you know he doesn't, but if he did You're too loud.
You know, we would hear about it in -- in like two minutes -- literally two.
You know that's true.
I -- yeah, I suppose so.
Come here.
What? What? No.
I just want to -- no.
[ Laughing .]
Stop.
[ Laughs .]
Listen.
What? What? I'm just holding you here [ Laughs .]
so I can keep an eye on you.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, so you won't spin out of control.
Well, do you like what you see, fucker? Yeah.
Yeah, i like it a shitload.
I maybe like it two shitloads.
[ Laughing .]
Gross.
Yeah.
Now, the second load is not quite as full of shit, but I still think we could consider it a load.
[ Laughs .]
[ Laughing .]
Stop.
Stop! I'm gonna pee all over you.
I'm just making your neighbors think you have an amazing lover.
I do have an amazing lover.
You're such a bitch.
You're strong.
Really strong.
That's right.
[ Sniffles .]
[ Door opens, closes .]
You excited about today? [ Muffled .]
What? About stopping in at work.
[ Urinating .]
Oh, yeah, that.
It sounds all right.
Sounds all right, does it? I think it could be amazing, all right? They're gonna have you mock up something so they can take a look.
[ Muffled .]
And they'll probably give you an assignment.
It could be really cool.
Yeah, I know.
I really appreciate it.
Well It's my pleasure.
[ Toilet flushes .]
It's not just because of this, right? Because we're, like, banging or whatever? Because we're, like, banging? I'm being serious.
[ Chuckles .]
I know.
I know you are.
It's just the way you talk sometimes.
It's how I talk, so fucking deal with it.
I'm attempting to on a daily basis.
Fine.
So, I'm just saying, you do like my art, though, right? That's what i really wanted to know.
Do you? Yes! Billie, whether we're banging -- as you so delicately put it -- or not, I think you're an awesome artist.
You are an awesome artist.
Thanks.
So, uh, come in like 4:00 or so.
Okay? After lunch.
Perfect.
Great.
Do I need to dress up? No.
You can wear matching shoes if you want.
Done.
Great.
Can I blow you in the supply closet and that sort of thing? Yeah.
Yeah? Like all the mile high club, or is that just for airplanes? I think that's called a blow job in the supply closet.
Mm.
Nice.
Maybe we can try it.
Or maybe we could just do it right here.
What do you think about that? Maybe.
Um What? No, no, no, no! No, stop, stop.
[ Indistinct conversations .]
Not here today, big guy.
Hmm? Hmm? I'm not looking for her.
Oh, yeah? Maybe she literally only works the month of September, just those 30 days each year.
[ Sarcastically .]
It's really funny.
Maybe.
Well, have you wondered? It's so funny.
[ Sarcastically .]
Yeah, hilarious.
Think you're gonna have to let this one go.
It's cool, man.
You can like other girls.
You just have to like me the best.
Uh [Clears throat.]
about that What? I mean, it's a joke, right? How? I mean, about other people.
You're kidding, right? Not serious? I don't know.
Why? 'Cause I don't like it.
Come on.
No.
I walked you all the way home again across the fucking bridge.
don't get all Norman bates on me.
All right, fuck, fine.
I will suck no other cock forever.
How's that? Does that mean anything to you? That's what I'm saying.
Is that good? That's -- is that -- you know, is that so hard? It's a variation on a native American saying, in cased you missed the reference.
I get the reference.
Oh, good.
I like that you're smart.
I'm the chief Joseph here you're quoting.
Fuck you.
Yeah.
So fucking smart.
Yeah, Nez percé Indians.
Oh, my god.
Yeah.
You make me crazy.
That brain.
UmListen I was thinking, I'd really like to tell people.
I think we should.
I think we should tell people we're together instead of hiding it.
I would like to say we're together and happy, if that's actually the case.
Do you feel that way? Are you happy? Um Uh, yeah.
Breakfast is good.
Sorry.
I joke.
You joke.
It's what we do.
Tell bad jokes when, um -- yes.
Oh, I know.
It's fine.
No, it's fine.
It's just hard, is all it is.
That's what she said.
I'm sorry.
You're so lame.
I'm sorry.
I'll take it down a notch.
I promise.
All right, fine, yes.
I guess I want to tell people, too.
I do.
Okay? I do want to tell people that we're seeing each other.
Me too.
Great.
Gimme.
You want to hold my hand? Okay, and I'll fucking cut a bitch if you're seeing somebody else.
Mm-hmm.
September, the friendly waitress, is off limits.
[ Chuckling .]
Okay? Fair enough.
Cool.
We'll probably have to find another diner at some point, which makes me sad because I actually really like this place.
Can I tell someone now? What, like now now? Yeah.
[ Sighs .]
Who? Well, you don't get to choose.
I'm just asking.
Can I? All right, fuck, yes.
Do it.
[ Utensil clinking cup .]
What are you doing? Stop.
Excuse me, everyone, um, sorry, I -- this isn't a robbery or anything.
I just -- I just wanted you all to know that I'm crazy about this girl right.
Her name is Billie Smith.
We're in an exclusive relationship where we don't see anyone else.
We just see each other.
And, um, I just -- i like her a whole lot.
That's it.
Anyways, thanks -- thanks for your time.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Hope that didn't make anybody nauseous.
[ Light applause .]
Sorry.
Aw, that's -- thank you.
You said you're crazy about me.
Yeah, I know.
It's very romantic.
What can I say? don't say anything.
Think you said it all.
Just too bad September wasn't here for the announcement.
[ Slurps .]
No words.
[ Indistinct conversations .]
Dude, what's going on? Hey.
Not much.
I'm just, uh, going over a couple layouts for next month.
Seeing if they could handle some artwork.
We already have the photos and that, don't we? Yeah, but I'm thinking about some illustrations.
Kind of a -- kind of a throwback like they used to do in esquire and playboy.
Oh, right.
Cool.
You don't care.
Uh, p.
S.
-- Your apartment is awesome.
Mm.
So appreciate you letting me stay there.
Yeah, my pleasure.
Um, you are still looking for a place, though, I hope.
Yeah.
Yes? I got feelers out there.
Keep you posted.
All righty, do that.
Great fridge, man.
[ Chuckles .]
The way the ice thing is Right there in the door itself.
That's great, man.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
That's, uh -- that's NASA.
Seriously? Uh-huh.
What's up, Billy? Hey.
What's the deal? Have you guys not patched things up yet? No, man.
We are through.
I don't -- I mean, you guys were so close, and you work here, so I know.
He can't fire me, though, because I'm the only guy who knows how to work all the computers and shit.
Got that on lockdown.
Even so You should make nice.
We'll see.
Time heals allStuff.
Yeah.
No, I know.
I probably have a meeting.
Later.
[ Sighs .]
[ Chuckles .]
Hey.
Wshh! Denise is on her way up.
I don't care.
Get out of here.
Just don't -- don't say that.
[ Footsteps ascending stairs .]
[ Sighs .]
Hey.
Hey.
Um, I guess Did I miss a call from you? I was at my parents' place this weekend.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
No biggie.
Yeah, I was just calling to call.
Okay, all right.
Yeah, yeah.
You had a nice break? Uh, yeah, it was okay.
Okay.
Family, so, you know.
Had to get back home for the real break.
Yeah? A vacation from the vacation, i guess, is what they say.
That's true.
Um, so, are we still on for the meeting with my stepsister later? Yeah.
I don't want to push this too much or get into the nepotism of it all, but she's very, very good, and I just fucking really love the idea of doing some classic illustrations, just for certain parts of the magazine.
I am certainly open to it.
Okay.
And did you get the drawings I sent you in an e-mail? Yes.
Um, I do think her stuff is great, and I really like her style.
Okay, cool, so -- yeah, so, we're on for 4:00 P.
M.
I'm gonna have to check my calendar just a bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Keith: Welcome.
Good to meet you.
Thanks for having me.
That's Tatiana.
How are you doing? That's our next month's cover.
Hmm.
Nice to meet you.
Nice place you got here.
Thank you very much.
Isn't he cute? I don't know.
You can see that he's cute.
don't give me that guy bullshit.
What? You can tell if someone's hot or not, whether you are the same sex.
Oh, I can tell.
He's just not my type.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Well, whether you like him or not, he is handsome, he's rich, he's in a hit TV show.
All the girls and boys like him, and, uh, that's our cover.
don't care.
All right.
[ Chuckles .]
Billy: I know the girl on "time bomb" -- the blond one, drew Peters? You got it? In fact, she was waiting for my stepsister when we bumped into her at lunch.
Oh.
Yeah.
Her.
Yeah.
The ice queen.
Yeah.
Yeah, all the men love her.
don't ask me why, but they do.
I know.
She's pretty hot.
You think she's hot? Really? Yeah, kind of, yeah.
Yeah, well, i think she's a bitch.
[ Laughs .]
With the show! Yeah, brother.
It's a wonderful show.
It's a wonderful show.
Her costar, on the other hand Hmm.
Different story.
Yeah.
So cute.
I can't wait, can't wait.
I'm so excited that you're down here.
Well, it's good to be here.
So, uh, business first.
Hey, Denise.
Tom.
Nice bowling shirt.
Yeah, right? I like the ones with other people's name on it.
Thrift shop.
Oh.
$3 I presume that gets washed at some point after purchase.
Or is that an outlandish notion? Oh, shit.
No.
Yeah, yeah.
I totally do.
When I wash my coloreds.
Of course, totally.
[ Chuckling .]
No, please, take this one.
[ Sniffles .]
Um [Clears throat.]
Thomas, um, you mean, when you wash your colors -- meaning, clothes that are anything other than white? Yes.
Okay, 'cause you said "coloreds.
" That's actually negative slang for black people, and it's something we've been trying to phase out over the last 150 years or so.
Ahh.
So When I wash the clothes with colors in them.
Now you got it.
Did you just bow? No.
Mm I'm gonna go introduce myself.
You want to come with? No.
No, thank you.
Fine.
Talk later.
I don't know if I missed that whole thing, but did she really like my shirt? No, no, no.
You missed nothing.
She's in.
Yes, yes! Some days, I don't know, but I really think i got a shot at her.
Well, who knows? Give it a try.
Ooh, no way.
Yeah.
Not after your situation.
Hey, no, there's no situation.
There's no situation with her and I.
We don't talk about that.
Okay.
We don't speak about that.
Okay.
Stop it.
Come on, please.
So, were you just being nice? Get away from me, tom.
I have work to do.
[ Sighs .]
God.
So, see you back at the pad, right? I-i don't know.
Maybe.
Okay.
Do youWant to order a pizza, which would be so much fun? Get out of here.
Meep-meep.
[ Chuckles .]
God.
Man.
[ Indistinct conversation in distance .]
Yeah, let's, uh Yeah? [ Indistinct conversation .]
No passport needed.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh.
[ Indistinct conversation .]
What's up, guys? Hey.
What's going on? Meeting.
[ Chuckles .]
Awesome.
Anyway, while we are waiting Hey, sorry about this, man.
She's normally really good about appointments, and I -- I -- no worries.
[ Sighs .]
I know how artists can be.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles .]
I used to live with one.
Tom.
[ Chuckles .]
Before he started So, can you, uh, send her a text or something? I did, I did.
I did several.
I don't know.
Maybe her phone is, um [ Sighs .]
I -- I don't know.
You know what? I like this idea, though, whether it's a good fit with your sister or not.
Step.
Hmm? Just she's my stepsister.
Step, so we're not related, but, yeah.
Oh, sorry.
Right.
Anyway -- Billy: But I do agree, though.
I think it'd be a really bold move to combine some illustrations with some photos -- kind of like when the new yorker started using photos.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah, we have to be pretty careful with that kind of stuff, though.
I mean, i was pretty miffed when the new yorker switched over to full color.
Yeah, I didn't mind it.
No, I'm -- I'm just saying.
I mean, it's just something we need to [Clicks tongue.]
think through.
Of course, of course.
And we will be very thoughtful about it.
I just think it'd be a signature statement if we do this.
And do it boldly and thoughtfully.
Yes.
Goes without saying.
[ Clears throat .]
Yes.
Thoughtful.
There she is.
No.
I'll be right back.
I don't see anybody.
[ Door opens .]
Billie! Billie: Hey.
Hi.
Hey.
Why are we late? I was on my way here.
The trains suck ass in this direction, by the way.
I said 4:00.
Ish.
You said 4:00-ish.
No, no, I definitely never said "ish" in my entire life, so that's not it.
Well, fucking excuse me, then.
It was something like that.
It was like "4:00 or so," that sort of thing.
Oh.
Not some exact time.
Why? Is 4:13 a big deal? Kind of.
[ Clears throat .]
Fuck, sorry.
It's okay.
You look very nice, by the way.
Thanks.
You said "matching shoes," to which I begrudgingly complied.
And an outfit.
Oh, you noticed.
Yeah, um, hey, I'm really sorry if I was supposed to be here earlier.
That's all right.
It's actually totally fine.
I kind of had a time with my colleagues.
Never expect me to use that word in referring to these people.
"Colleagues"? I hate it.
You don't like "colleagues"? I don't know.
Fuck.
And no swearing.
Shut the fuck up.
Hi.
Hey, everyone.
This is Billie, my stepsister, so don't blame me when her work comes in half-finished.
Is this your half-sister or your stepsister? I'm confused.
She's my stepsister.
I said that before and just now.
Right, but you just made a joke using the idea of half.
It gets really confusing.
No, i-i see why you -- i get it.
I mean, that's what threw me.
Understood.
Okay.
Yeah.
Anyway Anyway, I'm the one that obviously it through the public-education system.
[ Laughter .]
Please.
That gets a laugh.
Good.
Nice skirt.
Oh, thanks.
H&m -- like 10 bucks.
Really? Yeah.
Fuck, yeah.
Wow, nice.
Oh, that is pretty.
Yeah.
It's not sexual harassment if I say it.
Is it? Dude No, I think we can let this one pass.
[ Sighing .]
Good.
Billie: In the future, I think you have to say it to everyone so you're not, like, singling anyone out.
Isn't that how it works? Oh, yeah.
It's something crazy like that.
Yeah.
Ooh! A woman who thinks the current sexual-harassment policy is "crazy.
" [ Chuckles .]
Where you been hiding this one from us all these years, Jones? [ Chuckles .]
Just been around.
Keith: Okay.
Well, uh, just to cover myself, um, I do like that skirt very much.
Thank you.
[ Sighing .]
Uh It's a great blouse you got on today, Denise.
Thank you.
Billy, um Very something.
Something.
Very handsome shirt.
Thank you.
Very handsome shirt.
And, Karen So, we good? Yeah, i-i think you got it covered.
Great.
Okay.
Uh, just to totally overload you here on your initial meeting, I'm Keith, uh, managing editor this week.
Uh, this is Denise, um, features editor.
Billy is, of course, Billy.
How you doing? And Karen.
Karen.
[ Chuckles .]
Hi, Karen.
Hi.
Um, I'm Billie, uh, the out-of-work artist who sponges off her parents and the goodwill of her brother.
Welcome.
We here at chisel welcome you, Billie -- is it Jones, too? Uh, no.
No, no, no, no.
Actually, my mom's last name is Smith.
And it's basically a long story.
Just call me Billie, and we'll all be good.
[ Sighing .]
Fair enough, Billie.
Oh, Billy.
Yep.
Easy.
Easy to remember.
Crazy.
Anyway, why don't I walk you through what it is we do, and I'll talk about how I think we can utilize your talents here at the magazine.
Awesome.
Good.
Great.
So, my dad, also a Keith -- I'm a junior -- started chisel in 1994, mainly as a men's fashion magazine.
And gradually, it's moved into film and other, uh [Sighs.]
CulturalStuff -- uh, what he collectively calls "fun.
" Sounds good.
Yep.
Um, we -- we put out an issue every month.
Uh-huh.
So, monthly.
Um, and, uh, it's12 a year.
Yeah.
UhWe try to Denise, did you -- there was, uh [ Whispering indistinctly .]
[ Whispering indistinctly .]
Why don't you just show us what you brought us? What I brought? Great.
Yeah, yeah.
Great idea.
Love to see.
Show-and-tell.
Okay.
I saw some in the e-mails Billy sent me.
Oh, great.
Great.
[ Indistinct conversations .]
Oh.
Wow.
That's beautiful.
This one is just -- they're all different just to show you.
That's the one I showed you.
You did these? Yeah, this is my book that I brought in.
All of them, all of them.
So, yep.
Um, but this, I thought, was something we maybe could use.
How long did that take? Um, like a couple hours, i guess.
Well, she works fast, so the thing is, obviously, these are ideas, but, you know, whatever kind of articles Oh, yeah.
Super.
Thank you.
Yeah, this is the last one.
Oh, my goodness.
Keith: This is good stuff, Billy.
It's -- oh, my goodness, a Teddy bear! Do that -- we can use this for the, um Look at that bear.
"the global warming: Hot or not?" Article.
So? What? We haven't talked that much about today.
It went good.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, you were late Come on.
But once we got over that Oh, my god.
i think it's very evident that your charming self won the day.
I think they really like you.
Good.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm excited.
Yeah? 'Cause you just seem kind of tired.
Are you okay? Did I do something wrong? Are you serious? Yeah.
No.
Listen, I'm very happy it went well.
Good.
Which it did.
Me too.
And don't worry.
I'm not gonna, like, fuck up the drawings or anything.
I'm not worried.
You're gonna be great.
Thank you.
I really believe in you.
Thank you.
I know that.
It's weird.
[ Chuckles .]
But I love it, so keep doing it.
I still think my half-finished joke was funny.
Oh, god, get over it.
They acted like i was insane.
Well, it was one really bad joke that made no sense, but Keith thinks you're great and that cute girl with the blazer on With the brown hair.
Karen? Karen.
KarenIs cute.
And Denise from your business-lunch date, she's very beautiful.
Hey, they're all cute.
You guys seem to have a little sexual something going on.
[ Laughs .]
Okay.
Yeah, hardly.
Hardly? Hmm.
don't.
What? Stop it.
Okay.
Listen Sorry.
I don't bring up all the guys you've burned through Okay, got it.
So, you did.
In your relatively short life.
You did with Denise, then.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm just saying that, you know, you're always up my ass about girls.
Am I? Yeah, you're way up there.
Way inside.
See, i thought you liked it.
And I don't do that to you about guys.
Okay, fine.
Fine.
I just [ Sighs .]
Whoa.
All right, I'm just saying, it's all, you know, in the past and it just doesn't matter.
I just wanted to know who the competition was, okay? That's all.
You don't have any competition.
Have you learned nothing yet? [ Sighing .]
Ah.
I'm a slow learner.
No, you have more -- [ chuckling .]
I have a disability, sire.
[ Laughs .]
That's a nice name for what you have.
Oh, you're such a prick.
You're a jerk.
Am I a jerk? You're a jerk.
I love it when you talk dirty.
I love it.
Just, like, half the time, right? Shut up.
Stop.
Babe, I'm serious.
I'm not gonna stop.
The "half" jokes suck.
No, you need to stop.
They suck balls.
Let me show you how much they suck.
No, it's.
.
Really bad.
Hey, I'm sorry.
Would you mind boxing this up? I want to get home and fuck my boyfriend.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Certainly.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
S-sorry.
Thanks.
Sorry.
I'm gonna get you for that.
Yeah, let's see you try, bitch.
Yeah, in your mouth.
Oh.
Boyfriend, huh? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
[ Both breathing heavily .]
[ Both moaning .]
[ Chuckles .]
[ Laughing .]