Birds of a Feather (1989) s12e01 Episode Script

1 What'll I do when you are far away And I am blue, what'll I do When I'm alone with only dreams of you That won't come true what'll I do I was right.
They were all up in your room.
Not this one.
Dorian was using this to soak her dentures.
Oh, I forgot about them.
I bought this lot to replace that lot.
No wonder there's never anything ever to drink out of.
- I'll go get the cereal bowls.
- Good boy, Travis.
- See I do my share.
- You get him to, you mean.
It's called delegating, Trace! If you're making a cup of tea, I'll have one.
Is there any Battenburg left? No, but there's enough penicillin in this mug, to cure Dorien of whatever she's caught this week.
Don't worry, Dor.
I put your gnashers under your pillow.
You can expect a visit tonight from a platoon of toothfairies.
I have no idea what you're talking about Sharon, absolutely no desire to learn.
- Your publisher didn't like your new book? - No.
He didn't.
He said 80 Shades of Ecstasy was more like 70 Yards of Yawn.
But what should I expect from that brainless ungrateful timeserver? "Oh, we didn't like this bit.
Oh, we didn't like that bit" What a nerve.
Insulting your bits! So, basically the new one's not dirty enough? Exactly.
And it's all your fault, Tracey! - My fault? - Since living here, I have had fewer steamy encounters than Sharon's had paid jobs.
I mean I can hardly invite a gentleman caller back to this temple of bourgeois repression, can I? What's that suppose to mean? I think she's trying to say, you're cramping her style, Trace.
No, I'm not.
I just don't want any more of your geriatric hanky panky in my house.
Look you just need to be more creative, Dor.
For example I did it once in a skip behind Screwfix.
Ladies and gentlemen, dinner is served! - It's not that liver supreme again, is it? - No.
It's Brains au Gratin! Oh, lovely! I'm not having any of that! Oh, of course not.
The last thing anyone needs in this house is more brains! It was a Chef's Special but for some reason nobody ordered it.
Oh, I like the jacket, mate.
What this old thing? Don't you think you should give your mum some housekeeping before you go splashing out on yourself? That's rich coming from you, Sharon.
Well, as it happens here you go, Mum.
Oh, thanks, love.
- You robbed a bank? - Well, it does run in the family.
I got paid! Who's that? Yeah? We're looking for a Mr Garth Stubbs.
It's the Old Bill! Quick, you've got to hide.
- I haven't done anything! - They don't do courtesy calls.
Get in there! You two, act natural.
It's upside down, Dor.
- Where's Garthy? - Who? It's all right, Shal.
The Old Bill have gone.
What's he done? - Nothing.
- I told you! What did the police want then? Boys, you better come and sit down.
Ooh, that sounds ominous.
It's about your dad.
What's he done now? He's had an accident.
He fell through a warehouse roof in Wrexham.
Oh! I mean, it's bad enough they make people work for minimum wage, without sending them up on unsafe roofs.
Haven't they ever heard of health and safety in Wales? He was breaking in! Well, there's a surprise (!) - Where is he now? Can we see him? - Well that's the thing, innit.
What's the thing? Oh, my God, Tracy, he isn't? Oh, Tracy, I'm so sorry.
Well, why were the police asking for Garth? He's the next of kin.
- Aren't you the next of kin? - Not since the divorce.
What the bloody hell was he doing up on that roof? He never had a head for heights! Well, he did lead that roof top protest at Strangeways.
That was after he nicked a bottle of tranquilisers from the prison dispensary.
Suddenly, I'm living with the Sopranos.
He should have known.
Crime's a young man's game You go running around on roof tops sooner or later something's gotta give.
- Well - Uh.
I knew this would happen one day.
Right, why don't we all have a nice cup of tea, eh? Well, I think we need something stronger than that.
You all right, boys? What's he doing robbing warehouses at his age anyway? Loser.
Hold on, that's our dad you're rubbishing.
Look, I know you loved him, mate, but I only met him five times.
And four of them I needed a prison visiting order.
Look, he might have been a dad to you, but he wasn't a dad to me.
What are we going to do about a funeral? - It's nothing to do with us.
- How can you say that? We split up 15 years ago.
Your dad had made a new life for himself and we weren't part of it.
- But Mum! - You gotta do something, Trace.
Darryl loved you.
Everything he did, he did for you.
Wasn't that the theme song from Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves? Just asking.
Everything he did was at the end of a sawn off shotgun.
He never gave me anything legitimate.
- Oh, that's nice (!) - Yeah, cheers for that, Mum (!) Except for you and your brother.
Look I know you're angry, Tracey, but you still need some closure.
If it helps, I've seen a little black dress that's crying out for an occasion like this.
I'm not buying a little black dress.
No, not for you, for me! What? If you find half a chicken doner down there, it's mine.
It's in the bin.
Oi! I was going to have that while I was watching Saturday Kitchen.
Look, I know that you're trying to cheer me up.
No, I ain't.
I really was gonna have it while I was watchin' Saturday Kitchen.
Look, I just want all this to be over.
I know.
Look, sit down a minute, Trace.
Look, I popped into some funeral places on the way home.
I know you mean well, but all this does is remind me of when I was a gangster's moll for 25 years and never even knew.
At least Darryl looked after you.
Gave you a beautiful house.
Smashing' kids, lovely jewellery.
I was married to a bank robber too.
All Chris ever gave me was herpes.
And I don't even like Greek food.
Liar! Look, Trace.
There's lots of good deals going on.
I mean, one of them does a buy one get one free.
And Dorien ain't gettin' any younger.
I'll get it.
Unless you want me to hide in the cupboard again? Stick these in some water son and I wouldn't say no to a cuppa.
Three sugars.
It's been a helluva shock.
Tracey, I just heard.
What a tragedy.
That could easily have been me up there on that roof.
Sharon, what can I say? You can say what you're doing here and then you can say good-bye.
- How did you hear, Len? - You joking? It's the sole topic of conversation in every snooker hall in Romford.
Sad day.
We're going to give him a good send off though.
Suit yourself.
If you want to trek all the way to Wrexham.
Wrexham? Nobody's going to Wrexham.
He's got to be buried down 'ere, among his own people.
You expect me to pay for a big East End funeral, for a man who let me down time after time? You don't have to worry your pretty little head about the wedge, Trace.
The lads'll pay for everything.
Out of the goodness of their hearts? He was one of their own.
All you got to do is decide what sort of funeral you want.
Well, that's very generous of you, Lenny.
Look, there's plenty of options.
You can have him buried or cremated, religious or humanist.
You can even have a holistic pagan funeral in Epping Forest.
As far as I'm concerned, you can have him stuffed.
Do they do that as well? Not in the Co-op, no.
Excuse us.
Look, Trace, this funeral ain't gonna cost you a penny.
And it's only right that your boys say a proper good-bye to their dad.
All right, we'll have the funeral.
But I don't want to be beholden to you, Lenny.
So make sure you keep it dignified, short and cheap.
What do you think? Well, two out of three ain't bad.
A good turnout, eh? Every dodgy geezer in East London by the look of it.
Sad day, sad day.
You look tasty, Shal.
There's a time and a place, Lenny.
Yeah? You tell me where and when! Who are all those people? The Don Corleone Appreciation Society? Although that one is strangely attractive, in a wolfish kind of way.
Is that a gun in his pocket, or - It's a gun.
Keep walking.
They're not all gangsters, are they? No, the one in the long frock is a vicar.
It's what he would have wanted.
- Come on then, bruv.
- What? Well, we've gotta help carry Dad.
- Well, I can't! - Don't be such a wuss.
But he's dead.
You kind of have to be to get into a coffin.
We want to help.
No need, son.
We're all experts at manhandling corpses.
LOL.
- Well, in that case - No.
It's our duty.
Come on, Trace.
We should be going in now.
Hold on.
That's Barry bloody Farmer! I don't remember inviting the Old Bill.
Just paying my respects.
I'm very sorry for your loss, Mrs Stubbs.
Don't give me that cobblers.
You been taking pictures of Darryl's mates, ain't you? I'm checking to see who's crawled out from their respective stones.
You got a nerve.
And to think that I actually used to like you.
Come on.
Let's get it over with.
I'll wait here.
Funerals make me nervous.
Yeah, well, they would, at your age.
I'd like to thank you all for coming to this sad occasion.
Certainly is a terrific turnout.
Let us begin by singing our first hymn: 'Tis a folly and a Crime.
All: Oh 'tis a folly and a crime To put religion by Dorien.
- Vince.
- Hello, Vince.
Do funerals make you nervous too? No, just bored.
You know, I've been to so many.
Have I seen you somewhere? It's entirely possible.
Yeah, I saw your photofit up on the board at Hainault nick, didn't I? You most certainly did not! I'm an internationally acclaimed novelist.
Perhaps you've read 60 Shades of Green? Can't read.
Quaint.
- But I've heard it.
- You mean, you've heard of it.
No, don't tell me what I mean, love.
My cellmate used to read out all the best bits if I gave him, lend him a phonecard.
So, erm did all them things really happen to you? All them things and more.
You writing another one? I've almost finished one actually.
Just needs a little more cut and thrust.
Darryl was one of the best.
I'm not saying that he never bent the rules, but like it says in the Good Book, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
" Well, Darryl did cast the first stone when he led that protest on the roof of Strangeways.
To be completely honest, Darryl cast the first tile.
He got three months loss of privileges for that, but the rest of the rioters ended up with tellies in their cells.
And I know you've always been very grateful.
You're having a giraffe.
I couldn't, not in there! What a big strong man like you? What are you afraid of? Ghosts? No, it just doesn't seem right, does it? Well, of course it's not right, that's what makes it so thrilling! How many people have coupled in the back of a hearse and lived to tell the tale? But if you don't want to feature in the climactic passage of Foxy Cohen's next bonk-buster? Well, if you put it like that Dorien: Oh, my God, it is a gun! Vince: Oi, oi, oi.
Careful! I gave Darryl Stubbs the best years of my life and for most of that time, I had no idea that he was in the same line of business as you lot.
I was at school when Darryl first asked me for a date.
I jumped at it.
He was the most handsomest boy in the class with the nicest smile.
And he had a car.
A different one every week.
I was still a girl when we met, but in his hands, I became a woman.
I'll never forget the night he showed me how to do a handbrake turn.
He wasn't perfect, far from it, but he was a good dad, a good provider and the only man I ever loved.
Ah Oh, my God! Mum, where's the hearse? Dad's getting really heavy.
OK, which one of you jokers have nicked the hearse? Leave off, Trace, we never steal from our own.
Whoa! Where the hell have you been? Walthamstow.
All right, Vincey? All: Hey! Ride of my life.
All right, lads, all right, lads.
Load him up.
But I can't hold it! How many legs did your husband actually have, Mrs Stubbs? Lenny! Guys! Oi, you lot! Dignified enough for you, Tracey? Well, at least you got a chance to tell everyone how much you loved Darryl.
Well, of course I loved him.
That's why I'm so bloody angry with him.
That's the irony of love, isn't it? Did you hear something, Sharon? Are you still not talking to me? - There it goes again.
- You can't blame me, Tracey.
When a research opportunity like that presents itself, you have to grasp it with both hands.
Hang about, where's me sideboard gone? Garth: - Uh, Mum? - What? Oh, my God! I reckon we've been burgled.
Well done, Sherlock (!) But this must've taken hours! Well, they had hours, didn't they? Who knew we'd be out all day? Every lowlife around, thanks to you and your mate Lenny! And they try to tell you that Essex is on the way up.